the last 48

it's odd to me to not be able to discuss my feelings openly in my blog... but for now there are things that don't belong in the public eye. and i'm okay with that. happy about it even.

this week has been a difficult week.

dawnielle's dad passed on tuesday night and i am sad for their family and of course for her hurting heart. nothing on earth can replace a parent and nothing can change the hurt that their family is going through. i can only hope that the small moments of happiness and gratitude are enough to get them through these times.

the semester is almost over and i am very excited! i had my last exam for regular classes today. just a few weeks ago i was inducted into the national honor society and i'm proud of my gpa. regardless of how wonderful it is to be successful, i'm relieved that the semester is over! two finals in about 10 days and then i'm a free woman.

things in my life, are pretty wonderful. i have a wonderful boyfriend, a daughter who is happy and healthy and a family who loves me and supports me. all the work that i have done in the past year to get "us" to this place has really begun to pay off.

in life there is always sour with the sweet and things that are sad. this week has provided all of them... and i am grateful for each moment.. even the difficult ones.

on that note. i say goodnight.

knowing what you can change and what you cannot

somedays you have to figure out the hard way what and who you cannot change. that's all you can do... realize what is within your control and what is not. then as my 7 year old said when she got off the phone with her dad yesterday "i have to move on with my life". here's to moving on and letting go.

ps - my heart is definitely in san diego along with my new tattoo..

okay... we need to talk

seriously? sometimes i wonder what kind of snuggy wearing people watch tv. i don't watch tv much... more than i used to... not as much as the average american... but when i do... i always see something that makes me doubt the sanity of consumers as a whole.

my rant today is about antioxidant body wash.

um... i'm not an astrophysicist... but i'm pretty sure it's hard to absorb anti-oxidants for your internal organs through your SKIN. even if anti-oxidants are known to fight free radicals... don't we have a huge thing that protects us from those pesky cancer causing radicals? (if by "that huge thing" i mean our EPIDERMIS!!) now thier claims that a soap can prevent the signs of aging is about as valuable and meaningful as saying that putting bifidus regularis on your arm will regulate your digestive system. if it was possible to fight cancer based on applying things to your skin then wouldn't it mean we could cure disease through body wash? wouldn't that mean that we could have anti-biotic soap and cure strep throat? or pnuemonia?

let me give you a little tip... if you are concerned about premature aging or the signs of aging please start drinking water, stop smoking and drinking and for the love of god stay out of the tanning beds. also, perhaps you should exercise, and stay away from pollution and only put healthy whole foods in your body. the showering issue is the least of your worries....

am i way off base here? does anyone else think about these things?

seriously? my head hurts just thinking about who falls for this....

here is the text from a website by a woman who thinks it's great and smells good too... maybe all those anti-oxidants have made her mentally deficient...

Cranberries, a Super-Fruit, are well-known and effective in the fight against cancer-causing free radicals. Infused with cranberry extract and the fresh scent of cranberries, Dial’s body wash helps to reduce the effects of aging on the skin with it’s little antioxidant beads. Regular use leads to younger-looking, healthier skin texture.

I’ve got a bottle of the Cranberry body wash in my shower right now. It smells great, works up a nice sudsy lather, and it’s only about $4.99 for an 18 ounce bottle.

Look for both Dial Antioxidant Body Wash and Glycerin Bar with Cranberry and Antioxidant Pearls in grocery or drug stores now.

For more information, visit Dial Soap.com.

a catholic girl that could work for allen marine...

from http://www.overheardeverywhere.com/

Is That What Jesus Would Do?

Catholic school girl #1: (sings "Total Eclipse of the Heart")
Catholic school girl #2: Stop it. I swear to god, I will shank you.

Baton Rouge, Louisiana

Overheard by: Adelaie

this one is for anyone who mighta said "ma'am, i will fucking cut you"... wait thats me. and in fairness, i didn't actually say that. but i totally wanted to. and i told many a story that ended and started with the phrase "i will fucking cut you".

sigh.

i want burger bitch and a drink at the arctic bar.

awesoments

guilty pleasures #3

so what... yeah... i'm still pathetic but here it is... the 3rd installment of guilty pleasures..

and let me tell you it's the new millennium version of 'i will survive'... which i totally don't need right now for romance reasons but if i did i so totally would send the "obscure boyfriend" the link to this video... except we would never really get in a fight.... but i would totally show off my rock moves if we did.

love and love alike... also... as well.. in addition to...

while i was tracking down the decemberists links i found these gems from a band that is effing fabulous and makes my heart swell with the hope that music will not always suck... i've been watching for their new album and apparently missed the march release. i was probably listening to something awful at the time. you owe it to yourself to give them a listen...

great lake swimmers - palmistry

great lake swimmers - various stages (my favorite... but you'll have to click and then scroll and click again... it's so totally worth it though... and if it's not it's 3 clicks!! you'll live!)

great lake swimmers - song for the angels


while you're out there looking at new music don't forget:
sam beam / iron & wine - always
these united states
dirty on purpose
the decemberists
death cab for cutie

and check out these songs / bands and help me decide whether i love them or not...
the acorn.... you can check them here: my old kentucky blog
sea wolf - the garden that you planted

love and love alike

my dear friend the incredibly helpful jay and i decided to both love this album together - the decemberists - the hazards of love. you should totally love it too. no really. do it. love it. it will make you happy in a calm relaxed way in which you realize the world is better for music having been made. everyone needs that in their lives.

just in case you are concerned about my music credentials after my last two guilty pleasure posts, i'm going to admit that you have every right to be concerned. but at least i'm admitting my little secret pleasures and opening myself up. by my logic that should make me more of an reliable source. jay on the other hand is just awesome and is my favorite boy to love things with. you can trust him. he's very tall (just to show off mostly) and we all know tall people hear things more clearly.... sigh. maybe that's why i like bad music. i'm practically a midget at 5'4" or 5'3.5" technically. i keep hoping i'll grow but 33 is right around the corner (or 28 for the 5th time) and i'm pretty sure there are no 33rd year growth spurts. although i would take one if i could get my hands on one.

anyway.... here is what you should love love love. besides yourself and of course jay and i.

the decemberists - annan water

the decemberists - the hazards of love 4

guilty pleasures #2

while we're here and i'm admitting scary things... i think it's only fair that i should admit to like these as well...

i'm so 3008, you're so 2000 and late...
the black eyed peas - boom boom pow


lady gaga - poker face


and this one... that i'm still sitting the fence about whether it's okay to like or not... it's so... so... oh it's so good. but it's so bad. it's the ringtone when my roommate calls me and i'm always 1/2 worried that someone will hear it but secretly want it to play longer. ugh. i'm such a mess.

zac brown band - chicken fried

lala's day

today is my sister's birthday. she is fabulous. i would say more but what more is there to say about the most perfect 20 year old that ever lived?? seriously... she's everything i hope to be or wish i was... and i think she is the best kind of friend a girl can have. she is funny, fun and helped me invent uppie doos and the word gggrrraaarrr. she doesn't take herself too seriously and i appreciate that. i need that in my life. more than anyone knows. and so to her... i say happy birthday and i bid you goodnight.

these united states - get yourself home

guilty pleasures

okay... so there are embarrassing things to admit and this is one of them. i'm a fairly well established music snob, i'm intelligent and well read. i'm a kick ass mom, a great friend and a pretty good daughter /sister. i worked in the music industry, volunteered two years for americorps. i like to think i'm well rounded and pretty damn cool.

however, i have a 7 year old who (despite my best efforts) likes hannah montana. every once in awhile in the car i'll indulge her little ears from obscure rock and roll or new bands to something she wants to listen to.

and i'm ashamed to admit... i'm always secretly happy when these two songs come on...





seriously... i don't know what's wrong with me. i even sing along and do a car dance... ugh. man. i need to get some sleep so i don't blog these things.

san diego's southern cross

'cause the truth you might be runnin' from is so small
but it's as big as the promise, the promise of a comin' day
so i'm sailin' for tomorrow, my dreams are a dyin'.....
think about how many times i have fallin'
spirits are using me, larger voices callin'...
....

crosby stills and nash - southern cross





i have learned many things from this past weekend in san diego. i have learned about myself and about what it means to be alive and in this life. i have learned more about family and friendship and about the bonds that hold us together and move us apart than i ever knew was possible. i learned what it means... to love someone so much that the love will endure beyond what we understand. i don't mean romantic love. i mean the love of a family and i mean what happens to the love and the bond when we cannot define it by life. and in some ways i think i mean a romantic love... a romance between a man who is the best father i know and the strongest woman i've ever met who chose to stand beside him. the woman who will continue in his place to be the solid rock and flexible ties that holds a family together in a house with a garden that feels so much like home that i feel lost now that i am not there.

i have not written about this, although it has been going on for quite awhile. i wanted to give privacy to those who needed it and not speak about a future that had not become definite. i still was hoping (and in my heart am still hoping and praying) that the one thing i was most afraid would not come to pass. i write about it now because this is the piece that i can give... my words and my perspective as a salve or an outlet for how much my heart hurts.... unfortunately i am probably the only one who can or will be helped by my words that seem to be unable to express fully what my heart feels like.

my best friend's dad is dying. i don't mean in the abstract way in which this life is not permanent and we are all slowly dying by a series of breaths. i mean in the concrete way in which he will not be living in a set amount of time. i mean that he, for all of his strength and his fight and his power has come up against cancer and it is killing him in small increments. in small enough increments that we still hope that somehow it will turn out differently but big enough increments to rip that hope and your silly human heart to shreds.

it seems that when i think about it logically that it cannot possibly make sense. you would have to know him... but it's not possible. and that cannot possibly be true. it's too awful and it's too big and it's too much and it's not fair.

and i love him. like a father, a mentor and a hero. i love him because of a thousand things but mostly because he is simply him. i love him even more because he gave me my best friend. she has been in my life for 29 years and she is the other half of me. some days it seems she is the better part and the better half.

and some days, like today, my grief seems so big that my heart seems to hurt from growing large enough to hold onto it. the grief is senseless and frightening and beyond what i can manage with human feelings and human words. the grief feels so big that it makes everything else seem pointless in it's wake... like school or grocery shopping or getting new shoes. those small things are all swallowed up into a undefined mess of daily tasks that must happen but seem to hold no joy or interest... but the hardest thing is getting past the feelings of powerlessness and anger at how this could have possibly happened. the even harder part is that she is my best friend and i know how she hurts and i know how i am impotent to help her. i don't know what to say or do... except to say that there is nothing i can do or say and there isn't a way this will be okay.

i will admit that i have been standoffish to my friends and to my boyfriend. i have had a hard time talking about it - my feelings, my fears and what it all means. i know that talking about these things supposedly makes it better but everytime i talk about it i feel like others are overwhelmed with the duty to say it will be okay and it won't. it can't ever be okay... maybe it won't be as bad but it's hard to believe that it will be okay.

and so it is with that knowledge... the knowledge of exactly where we are that i leave you. we are in unchartered territory - on a map of life. and it is just life. and it's terminal. and it works out okay in the end. and it's already tomorrow in australia. and i've been around the world looking for myself (the only woman-girl i know) and i've got to trust that above all things love endures.

and to dawnielle - even though you may start to like karaoke... "what heaven brought you and me cannot be forgotten" - we are family linked together through happiness and tragedy and "you understand why now (we) came this way" and i wouldn't have come any other way. i promise that if you need me i will always come. i'm sorry i cannot do more.

hell in a head gasket

my car is... well... being an issue. and looks like i need a head gasket. *sigh*

i didn't do well on my physics exam last week. *ugh*

i have a calculus exam tomorrow. *bluh*

i have a research paper to write about the effects of environmental racism. *yuck*

the dishes need doing. *......*

however, i got to talk to my favorite chester boy today for an hour and a half. *hooray*

i have a fun activity planned with emma this afternoon post school. and she got 100% on her spelling test last week!! *woohoo*

my coffee was exceptionally awesome this morning. *mmmmm*

i get to see dawnielle this weekend. *sigh, in a good way*


i've decided what happens in life is not personal. this is life. i make choices. some are good and some are flawed. i just take it one day at a time, do what i can do and patiently wait for things to work themselves out. when they work out i am grateful. when it's difficult going or it requires lots of doing i take it one step at a time and cross the bridges as they come. when they don't work out i sigh but am grateful for the lesson. it's all okay and it's just life. it's meant to be challenging and exciting and a learning curve.

i'd still like an instruction booklet though....

found iP0d #3

you understand now why you came this way...


crosby, stills and nash - southern cross

shoulda coulda woulda

should be studying for physics... energy and force and acceleration and whatnot but i just can't seem to muster up the energy to accelerate my ass in that direction... it feels.. well like i'm being forced. come'on you know i'm clever... that's funny right?... i totally know. i'm funny.

and apparently give good sound bites. that's at least what an ignorant asshole wrote me the other day when i told him to go peddle crazy somewhere else.... then he rambled on with incoherent shit for another two paragraphs or so. i'd probably remember it but it was ridiculous and chock full of crazy. now, i know i'm supposed to be able to be above that sort of negativity. trust me. that was the positive version of what i wanted to say... i guess sometimes you just have to call a duck a duck.

luckily i am able to focus on physics, my friends and the good things in my life. it makes me thankful that i have time and space between myself and self deluded lying drug addicts who manipulate every situation to be about themselves.

iP0d found songs #2

john mayer - victoria

everyone needs a little "message"

http://foundmagazine.com

found... 1 iP0d

two days ago i found an iP0d that i lost while i lived in alaska at the bottom of a backpack and although it has hundreds of songs on it i found about 50 songs i had forgotten that i absolutely loved. i recommend losing an iP0d that you know you'll get back just to enjoy the sound of music almost two years later...

for your listening pleasure here are two of my favorites...