and you know who you are... don't you?

sometimes in life it seems, from my perspective, that people just don't know "who" they are. they have ideas and thoughts and experiences but they leap from situation to situation without any real growth or responsibility. they are always looking for the next thing that will make them feel good without any thought about the long run. when you look at the track record of those people it's clear to see that destruction is left in the wake of their selfish manipulations.

sometimes finding out "who" someone is can change the way everything looks. the change feels almost immediate and the relief in the core is palpable. that's how i feel today. i realize, now, that i have been waiting for the return of a person that never existed. i have been waiting, bloody heart in hand, day after day after day for the return of a fictional character.

it's sad and it's shocking... at first... and then after an hour or so it's just a huge relief. like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

my brain literally said: "you mean i don't have to wait around for mr. hyde instead of dr. jekyll? you mean i don't have to sit through blaming and accusations? you mean i don't have to compromise absolutely everything and then apologize for that not being enough? you mean i don't have to pretend that love means you sleep with another person? you mean i don't have to trust a liar? you mean it's no longer a hostage negotiation? i don't have to do business with an emotional terrorist?"

and once i realized that it's over... it's really over it suddenly felt as if i could breathe again. as if i've been holding my breath all these months. and i don't know if you know what that feels like. what it's really like to finally exhale and then inhale again. but i can tell you, from my perspective, it feels good. really really good.

tgifriday?

i've had the longest night in the history of long nights. well, at least the longest night i've had in a few years. sometimes people still surprise me. just when you think that know someone... you think you really really know them... they come up with something that complete surprises you. strangely, that's never that they make a perfect chocolate cake from scratch or that they help the homeless... it's always something that is a kick in the teeth.

but because it's friday and i'm tired. i'm letting it go. all of it. i'm forgiving and forgetting. as long as this ghost of my past life promises never to haunt me again. and if you'll be so kind as to indulge me...

then good ol' 43 hits...

relationships ending is weird. it's uncomfortable and it's strange... or maybe i'm just uncomfortable and strange inside of the experience.

today i remembered the break experience #43 - when you concretely realize that when "i'll always love you" was said it really meant "i'll love you until it's not really all that convenient and then i find another girl (who doesn't think i'm an asshole) to sleep with me, which will be pretty quick after we break up because in all actuality i really don't love you all that much"

it's harder than #7 - telling a friend you haven't talked to in awhile that the relationship is over but you don't really want to talk about it

and definitely harder than #22 - realizing that things that were your "couple" favorite - movies, songs, jokes and little intimate things - are now off limits

but it's not the most difficult thing in the world.... hopefully.... because i have other stuff to do this week and i'm tired of thinking about it.

the start of a new journey

it's been so long. so so so long. so long since i've sat down to write. to put my words out there. not for you. just for me. i've had so much to say and yet this just wasn't the forum. it wasn't the place that i could come back and spill what i felt needed to be said. and now... on the other side of this part of the journey i feel that i am more prepared to write. to be open to the positive things that come from being transparent.

my life is so good. it's just so good. i can't even describe how fortunate i've been these past few months. i am so grateful that we're in wisconsin and i'm finishing school. i just kept putting it off because it was easier to get distracted, it was easier to do other things. now i'm committed and working at finally getting finished and i can see the finish line. the metaphorical light at the end of the tunnel. and i've made it a long tunnel. 18 credit hours this semester and a research project. and it's worth every second. every hour spent studying and every moment of doubt that maybe another degree or another path would be easier. nothing in life that is worth having is easy. if it was easy everyone would have it.

and now to the other part of the blog... but first the soundtrack:


the part of my life that difficult right now is the heart part. i just want to say - without preaching - that everyone should know... they should fundamentally understand what cheating does to a relationship and to trust and respect and finally to love. it destroys it. there are people who overcome it - people who find that it was a wake up call in their relationship to make things better and i wish my experience was like that. but it wasn't. my experience was that he simply chose to sleep with another person... even though he said he still loved me. i don't think love is supposed to feel like this. i don't think love is supposed to shatter your heart.

i'm not going to go into the details because the person reads here. but knowing. and continuing on after finding out that he slept with someone else has been easier and harder than i could have ever imagined. the part that keeps my stomach in knots is knowing that the moment between them may have only been trivial to him but it was everything we had together. the two years that we built a frienship and a relationship. all the moments that were so dear to me. that were sacred. that's what he gave her. and i hope she's happy with it... i hope it fits her well.

we've tried for months. we've continued to try. in hope that i suppose we'd be able to revive what was lost. but after last night's conversation i have given up hope. i have to move on.

and so now... that's the direction i'm moving. towards the future. and what a beautiful future it's going to be.

knowing what you can change and what you cannot

somedays you have to figure out the hard way what and who you cannot change. that's all you can do... realize what is within your control and what is not. then as my 7 year old said when she got off the phone with her dad yesterday "i have to move on with my life". here's to moving on and letting go.

ps - my heart is definitely in san diego along with my new tattoo..

comin' home from cali and this life's so thick that you can hardly swim on through it

it was a long weekend in cali... i'm not ready to talk about it.

i haven't dropped off the face of the earth... i'm just processing the circle of life and what it means to really live. i'm facing what it means to be in my thirties and no longer be a child protected from black news and black days... to have to face what is inevitable about living and about breathing and that is that one day you will cease to do both.

i'm learning, processing, breathing and being grateful for absolutely everything in my life. sometimes when you can do nothing else you can recognize that you get today. there are no other promises and when it has to come down to it... today is enough.

i have pictures to post of trees. i have heartache to blog about. i have things to think about. tonight though, i have to sleep.

and this song is the new cali song... because as dawnielle said today it just makes her happy in her heart. and some days... because she is the one i've known my whole life and more days than not she is the best parts of me... making her happy makes me happy. and i'm grateful for that.

i'm not ready to make nice....

dixie chicks... not ready to make nice


i realize that i have asked for forgiveness from people and i have been fortunate enough that i have always received it... for the most part and usually in a way that is constructive and helpful for continuing my life.

i've thought a lot over the past few days about what forgiveness means and what it should be about...

–verb (used with object)

1.	to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.

2.	to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.).

3.	to grant pardon to (a person).

4.	to cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one's enemies.

5.	to cancel an indebtedness or liability of: to forgive the interest owed on a loan.

–verb (used without object)

6.	to pardon an offense or an offender.

"in general, forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentments and thoughts of revenge. Forgiveness is the act of untying yourself from thoughts and feelings that bind you to the offense committed against you. This can reduce the power these feelings otherwise have over you, so that you can a live freer and happier life in the present. Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you. Forgiving isn't the same as forgetting what happened to you. The act that hurt or offended you may always remain a part of your life. But forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help you focus on other, positive parts of your life. Forgiveness also doesn't mean that you deny the other person's responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn't minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act."

and i believe that forgiveness itself is important and should be offered to anyone who is willing to say they are sorry and earnestly request it. i really believe that. no matter what the offense is or how it seems to be difficult. forgiving is part of being the person i want to be.

and so i offer you this... the specific you, not the royal you, who is asking for forgiveness and called me tonight to tell me about how you think about me and how you feel... i forgive you. not for you but for me. there is no ill-will from my side of the continental united states.

however i'm not ready to make nice. i'm not ready to talk about it or hear about how you are doing or what is going on with you. i'm just not. i wish i was and that i could just wave a magic wand and make this divide between us disappear.... but i can't. there isn't that kind of magic in the world and to be honest i'm not sure that is the best thing for me. i'm still trying to process and understand what has happened and why.

i'm still trying to get my head around how you thought this was my fault. i'm still trying to put it in perspective and be able to understand what all this means in the scope of the here and now. i haven't even begun to look at what it means in the future.

and god does it sting. it all sucks. i'm not happy about our current state either. this is the last thing i wanted but avoiding is only going to cause that false premise in the future and more issues for us to dissect and worry about in years to come. additionally i'm hoping that you might take this time to understand your part in all of this.

so i can say that for now radio silence is in effect... until further notice. i don't know when that notice will be or what needs to happen before then. you'll be the second person to know when i'm ready to talk to you... i'll of course be the first. in the meantime let's not do the thing where you call me to talk about it. i know for sure or fo' sho' as the kids say that it doesn't feel good.

i wish you well on your journey. take care of yourself. take care of what you need to take care of. i'll be doing the same here.... and working in earnest to be at peace with all that our story has become.

isn't it just simply...

isn't it just simply amazing that we can bend and move and change and withstand many things and then the simplest things... the small breeches in the barrier of trust seem as if they are going to be the things that break our hearts completely?

go here to hear what i'm listening to:

only love can break your heart
go your own way

(thanks to cover lay down for the soundtrack)

i realized today that two things are true:
1. getting your feelings hurt, trust broken, losing friendship... all those things hurt and initially it stings so much that it feels like there is no bridging the gap in what is "past" or before and what is "future" or after.
2. those things are actually good. once you pick yourself up from what gravity has done and started to assess the damages to your system... you realize that the hurt means you are breathing, interacting, and being vulnerable.

vulnerable is good. growing is good. sometimes even pain is good.

the perspective that comes from vulnerability, growth and pain is even better. not just as good as... it's better. teaching ourselves about life and the life we want by being open to life is difficult but it's what gets us to where we want to go.

thanks for taking this part of the journey with me... for teaching me perspective through pain. i'm still angry and still don't want to be open to learning this lesson again... but at least i can be grateful and happy that i've learned it. good things came of it... i learned to say no and i learned to have a conflict in which i stood up for myself. funny how the worst can bring out the best in people.

willing... in the morning...

this morning as i woke, a little earlier than i wanted, a little stiffer than i wanted, a little not sure about monday... for no reason. it's just morning and sometimes i don't love it.

this song is the theme... but you might not "get it" until the end of the blog... and for some of you not even then... just kidding dave...

linda ronstadt - willing



so i help a certain someone put on her new cupcake tights for school - fucking cupcake tights... seriously it's sooo cute... who wouldn't love wearing cupcake tights to school? i mean everyone should maybe wear a pair of cupcake tights just to feel a little pretty and fancy...

anyway so i come downstairs and think about going back to bed after she is safely at school and then i see the best thing that has happened to me in forever... my coffee is already made!!!!! i finally got one of those coffee makers that has a timer and it's the best $20 i ever spent... i cannot stress enough how great it makes your morning to just have that one thing done... to just pour your coffee instead of sleep walking around the kitchen and then impatiently waiting for it to brew just thinking the whole time about how much it sucks to be awake and how if you didn't have to make your stupid coffee you would be 2 things: 1. not addicted to caffeine and 2. still in bed.

so as i'm sitting down with my first cup o coffee for the day i see the following in an email from cody...

HearVox News Audio, art, & cultcha blog

« Bale Out | HV NEWS |

More Travel Tips

By JW 2009.02.08 tags: travel, travel tips.

Travel Tips
Contributions to a growing list:

#136 Sandals are not the best thing to wear for hiking through a tropical forest to grassy, steep ocean cliffs after two days of heavy rain—no matter how much they look like ones Jesus would have worn.

#34 Those most interested in history are those about to become it. Try to take an interest no matter your age.

#156 If you hear “The Gambler” playing, run. Run away. Something is horribly wrong, will be, or ought to be.

#35 Good traveling is making sure you say, “wow, what’s that?” more than “I remember when that was a…

you can find the full text here: http://hearingvoices.com/news/2009/02/more-travel-tips/

which just makes me laugh and laugh...

then i remember about the eels... and i remember this thought... this line from another blog (also pointed out by cody) and how it just made me think for awhile...

""i was thinkin' bout how everyone is dying, and maybe it's time to live" in "p.s. you rock my world"). it's a stunning conclusion to this intensely personal, unforgettably emotional story"

you can find the full text here: http://sand-is-overrated.blogspot.com/2008/02/you-think-i-got-it-all-going-my-way.html

ps. the tag line on that blog is: sand is overrated. it's just tiny little rocks. which is hilarious in itself.

and then i get to sit with my third cup of coffee and think about the fact that it's not the dying part that's important.. it's the living. it's the things you do between the being born and the dying that changes absolutely everything. it's what you do and how you do it. sometimes it's not the good things that define you, sometimes it's not the bad things that define you either. sometimes you have to define yourself by how you accept and love yourself despite the good things and the bad things. i'm going to be 33. i'm not proud or happy about everything i've done... i'm not sad or disappointed in everything i've done. lately the list of pros and cons is equal. i've accepted that others have lists of pros and cons that look similar. people are not a snapshot of one moment. they are a sum total of all the parts.

i don't know what that means really... no matter how long i stare at the screen and think about it... it's hard to really grasp. it's really hard to not let myself use the old phrases and definitions... to judge myself with startling harshness just to feel the sting and know that no matter what anyone else says about me that i've already been harder on myself than they could ever be. it's hard to say something nice to myself and feel okay with it. perhaps though it's somewhere in between the two.

perhaps i can allow those things to fade into the background and only make a judgement about today and right now... perhaps in this moment between being born, reborn, giving birth and whatever dying means i can just let this moment be the moment. let it just be right now... and just go my own way. perhaps in this moment i can accept that this life and my path are only my own. this is my collection of things - smoothed well worn happy memories and jagged sharp painful memories.... it's all mine and if i spend all my time in the past i'm not making any new memories. i'm wasting this moment... and my hope is that i'm adding things to the good memory list... like buying cupcake tights to make a little girl happy with the way she looks today and always being able to look back and see her happy face, having a good conversation last night with a dave who got to eat free tacos and remembering that friendship is solidified and cemented through lots of things... even if i am an international fugitive now, like reading cody's email and remembering the summer that held vanilla sky. these things are my landscape this morning. the rest of it... well it's in the trash bin with my old coffee maker that makes you actually push a button to make coffee.

sometimes you have to still be willing... regardless of what that means... and i'm choosing to be willing to live the life i want. i'd rather be in the business of realizing the happiness with each day is set on "auto" and is waiting for me each morning. i don't even have to do anything... i can just wake and enjoy. which sounds awful chipper doesn't it? ...it must be the pre-made coffee...

entropy, alligators and aimee mann

i sit tonight quietly trying to do my homework for my communications class and you keep floating to the front of my head. today was the first day that i thought of you and anger didn't well up behind that thought. today was the first day in which i wondered how long it would be until we could move back into some sort of easy flowing communication. it was so coincidental that you called... i know you... that you want to make the effort but don't want to pressure me. i wish it was just that easy. i wish after all this time that we could just move backwards and forget what transpired.
go here and listen to this: the scientist - aimee mann
perhaps one day you will understand just what it is that happened. perhaps one day we can meet somewhere and get a cup of coffee and go for a walk and just talk.... just you and i. perhaps one day we can really meet each other. perhaps we won't need anyone else to tell either one of us what to think or say or worry about. perhaps you will one day be willing to forgive what i am judged to be... it's so strange to me that you who has been judged and made mistakes and understands redemption would not understand that i am worth the same things.
perhaps it is good... and as much as it kills me because i want to deny it... but the truth is that good things have come of it. there has been fruit in it because i have gotten the chance to explore other things within myself and stand alone without the crutch that you offered. i have gotten the opportunity to reexplore a part of my old life and in ways make old things right. it's the strangest thing about loss and growth of life... one thing dies and in it's place something beautiful grows and thrives in that strange awkward space. the space that i thought was his that no one would ever fill, you grew out of so quickly and made bigger... in ways i didn't know i was ready for... that space has growth of new seeds - of what i've been sowing lately with my best foot forward.

it doesn't mean that you didn't break my heart. but i suppose that a broken heart can only really hurt in that incapacitating way for a finite amount of time before it ceases to matter. when the mattering becomes anti-matter and things cease to really have any universal perspective... perhaps even feelings and memories tend to move in forward reaction towards entropy.
regardless, i don't wallow well..... and in some ways i'm sorry about that. today as i stopped being angry i stopped wallowing and feeling sorry for myself. today i began to honor the promise i made to send you on your way in peace. i do understand. i have regret and as a result i wish things were different but you know what they say - about hands and wishes.
so farewell, don't get eaten by an alligator, give the boys my love and try your best to become the best version of yourself.... i'll be here being the best version of myself and we'll just have to agree to disagree about the rest.

'member 'bout that?

'member 'bout that line in that blue october song... the hate me song... that says "Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home"... 'member 'bout how when we found it that was so profound... of being in those dark places long enough that visual ugliness seemed like a better place to be.

if you're new here and you don't 'member 'bout that you can go here and listen to it:
hate me - blue october

'member 'bout how we talked about how no matter what happened we would always be friends and 'bout how that's what it means to be friends? yeah, and sometimes i wish you were here to see these other things and hear these other things and see what people are really like sometimes. i wish we could walk down to the beach and we could talk about simplicity and cycles and take a drive and see the lighthouse lady... and talk about chuck palahniuk because i just read his book diary. you know it says in there... "if you don't understand something you can make it mean anything" and know what? he's totally right.

so here is my postcard to you... that i would throw off the space needle in the pitch black of a cold windy evening:
"i trust people and sometimes they let me down. sometimes i take that personally. i'm smarter than that though. it's not personal. i'm still a good person just for the sake of it. i'm not judging i'm just saying that people sometimes are sausage heads. and really... do i look worried?"

april fools.... sorta

before you go any further you have to listen to THIS song. yep. just right click on the word this... not the one i just said but the one in all caps right above (sort of) this sentence. it's a fucking gem i found on my FAVOURITE MUSIC BLOG OF ALL TIME - Cover Lay Down. no really it's my favourite... it's in all caps for god's sake and yes i'm yelling it. i'm saying aloud that it's everything i've ever wanted in a music blog... funny, ironic, insightful and poignant along with having a wonderful collection of cover songs. you can right click on the all caps version of - favourite music blog of all time a couple of sentences above and be transported into awesomeville.


there are times in my life where i expect ashton kutcher to seriously jump out of my stupid closet and yell - you've been punk'd. i keep hoping but it never happens. i had hope tonight that the crazy shit going on was some elaborate april fools day joke (we all know i would totally deserve it but we'll leave that story for another time). needless to say it's not a joke. i suppose as a result all i can do at this point (yeah i said it cody... at THIS point) is be grateful for the blessings in my life and move forward.

and there are blessings, there are great things, there are so many things that i have to be grateful for.... and forward is always good... it's better than backward.

that being said... happy april fools day.

squander your ill gotten fortune found

although all the time periods remain unrelated to my playlist from tonight the songs are all so significant to me during a certain phase of my life and i went searching for each of the songs for a long time. i even had to change playlist websites in order to get what i wanted. here are some lyrical highlights that should express what my favourite part of each song is. PS - if you don't like these four songs you don't like me one bit. seriously. it's like saying you don't love me.



face to face - disconnected: "Trust is something that comes easy, When you've never been a victim, Lies and promises and words are said, Its you're decision to accept them. No, you dont know what you will give up, You don't know what you want, It may take you years to find out, You don't know what you need, Its something that may never come to you."

jets to brazil - wish list: "If ever I should seem to take for granted this lovely life that I have been handed, darling don't just stand there, come knock me around. 'Cause I know, I can write my way out of this black hole. Back to all the things that I miss. Sometimes, I wonder if I even exist. Add another line to my wish list."

knapsack - katherine the great: "Know that we wish there were circles in all, And hope that but notice, As you walk through hopeless halls, And there are better days waiting for everyone, But cheekbones, good homes, Won't always be there, They won't always be there. Set out to shut up
And you know that you want them to care, You can be grateful, You can be strong, We are not wrong."


tonight i went back. way back. well it all started today with seeing john and getting to revisit that past. that version of myself. for better or worse i existed in a flawed and scary form that fills me with shame and self-judgment every time i visit that time period in my mind. not because i regret it and not because i am ashamed but because i had so much in front of me and i chose... I CHOSE to leave it all where it laid... at my feet as an unaccepted opportunity. john and i went back and we talked about it all. perhaps there is more because there are reunions to be had and i'm sure all of those people have equally unflattering memories of me doing whatever i was doing back in the day. then on the heals of that i got an email from an even older friend... someone who created and defined my life in more ways than one. he and i shared a street to grow up on and sunny afternoons sitting in a car drinking forties whenever we could (which wasn't really all that often) we shared a past that is intertwined with who we are today.

the sad truth is that we didn't all make it. we didn't all survive the teens and then the early twenties. and i don't mean we didn't survive in some abstract way. i mean that there are people who passed on into whatever there is after this life. sometimes i think about what it would have been like if it had been me instead of them. would they have made better use of their time? would they have tried harder? what excuse do i have to give them all these years later except that i have not been careful with the time i was given... that i was not mindful of the fact that actually living is our most important job. those times are few and far between. i try to dwell in those moments briefly and then smile and tip one out for the homies so to speak. i don't even really know what that means but i think it's something to do with respecting our friends while we continue to enjoy and live life... and i definitely do that.

i guess what is important is that i made it out alive. sometimes it looked doubtful. there were times where i shouldn't have lived. there were times when i should have gone the other way but sheer will power and stupidity pulled me through the darkness to where i am now. for that i am grateful. i'm not always grateful of the circumstances. i wish there had been less darkness and less moments in which i needed those survival skills. i suppose it's all water under the bridge at this point. i suppose that i am a myriad of things and a collage of those moments.... what a bright and wonderful collage it is. what an amazing journey it's been.

in closing i'll say... go back to those moments where you had to squander your ill gotten fortune found and relive those memories as painful and shocking as they might be and then give yourself a chance to be grateful. give yourself a chance to live in the now beyond all of it. be what you're here to be.

the end of the hiatus

there was a hiatus. i'd like to pretend that i took a month off to sort out my life and make a new years resolution that changed my life, that i had a total paradigm shift that has absolutely changed my life but in all honesty there was an intervention on the 12th of december about the matchbox 20 thing. loving that song got me thrown into rehab.... while you're puzzling all that out here is the first playlist of the new year for your listening joy.

the truth of the matter is that i moved. i left 'sconsin and made the trek to fahonix. i did what i thought i couldn't do. i braved a snow storm, my feelings of sadness about leaving my parents and worry about taking the next step and i leaped. i took the plunge. and since then it's been good. it's been great. the hills and valleys have all been filled with positive lessons and good things. i have found that i am stronger and more dedicated to myself and my family than i thought i was. just today i sent the text below in an email to a friend and i think it gives a good overview of where i am...

A business in the simplest form creates a product the owners believe in and then they offer it for "sale" on the open market. Sometimes those owners have enough capital to offer investment in other people – employees, partners, tenants and even sometimes enough to cover a few cases of people that can't afford the product at market value (donations or "charity"). The bottom line is that the product must be as efficient and well made as possible to keep the cash flow coming in from the investments. When the product is faulty, the business invests in unworthy people or other properties or offers too many donations the business has to close its doors or go bankrupt.

Over the past 10 years and probably longer than that I've been working my emotional business on a policy of a somewhat damaged and offended product. I haven't gone back to the drawing board and made another product, I've tried to cover up the dings and dents and faults of the product with exterior paint and "patches" like a computer company. My call center often acknowledges that the product has known faults and that for some people will never offer the functionality that they are looking for… it just doesn't work for some people. I've consoled myself and other people by justifying the upside of the product and encouraging people to continue to have faith that eventually the patches and quick fixes will all be completed and the product will be what I've been selling it as all these years.

Before the New Year I had a paradigm shift. What if I abandoned the old product? What if without blame, guilt or anger and WITH love, respect and self esteem I simply created the product I wanted and lived the life I wanted to live? Of course there is the old fear that no one would buy something new but I believed in myself. Once I realized that I know what I want for myself and had that confidence the fear dissolved. It simply ceased to exist…. and I found that it's the first time in a long long time I've been able to live without fear. Now I'm not talking about fantasy here. I'm talking about making a very honest list of what I WANT in my life. How I want it to be and the qualities that I want to have and to have around me and then I decided to have it. I'm worth it after all… it turns out after all this time I've finally decided that I'm worth it.

The next issue was that over the years I've gotten myself into some emotional over-extension and debt. I've made poor investment choices in partners, employees and tenants. I've allowed a lot of people to dip into the emotional bank and take loans against their name or their word and never asked for those emotional stores to be returned. Perhaps because I was always afraid the original product was somewhat defective and perhaps because I didn't really believe I was worth the return. I'm not talking about a list of what people have taken and I have received against their name – John Doe – 1 hour of friendship and caring… returned 15 minute phone call and 1 lunch out in which he listened to my feelings about x, y and z. I'm talking about allowing people to simply not respect, honour and care for me. I'm also not saying I was the victim of embezzlement. I chose those people, those transactions and those events. I made the choices and felt "empty" so to speak. I was always looking for the other store of emotional wealth – God, another person, a way of thinking, a way of living that would allow the deficit to be filled up without changing the product or having the discussion about how I was allowing myself to be treated.

So now we have a new product. It's in the newer stages. I'm proud of the initial results and feel comfortable and confident about the next stages. I have a board of members that I feel very proud and blessed to have in my life. They are a resource of knowledge and love that allows me to be innovative and brave without worrying that I'll become caught up in the marketing hype or deny my own culpability. They keep me honest with myself so to speak.

The last thing which has become the hardest is learning what boundary that I have to set with others. I've finally settled on the following definition: a person that earns respect, honour and love from these emotional stores is a person that is living in respect, honour and love. I decided that metaphorically there are a lot of letters of foreclosure that need to go out. I'm saying this in a way of love and forgiveness – I'm no longer going to be enslaved or indebted to people based on the past. I've created something new and I'm asking the people and parties involved to get on board in a real and true way. It's no longer okay for me to allow people that only talk about living in truth or in honour to receive large loans out of my personal stores. When people aren't living in love and living without reverence and submission to a higher authority or they are living without integrity in many ways they simply aren't living in alignment with the new product and the new vision. My company has in fact decided to go in this new direction… I've downsized I suppose I could say and the immediate benefit of that is that I've felt strongly I have more time to dedicate to Emma, myself and the investments that matter.

i realize it's not a message that everyone will jump on board with. i realize that it's difficult for some people to read from me. unfortunately it is the way things are and it's how i've chosen to run my "business" so to speak from here on out. as micheal jackson so eloquently put it: "i'm starting with the man in the mirror, i'm asking him to change his ways, and no message could have been any clearer, if you want to make the world a better place take a look at yourself and then make a change"
(yeah i know micheal jackson is so 1987. i don't care.... i'm bringing the king of pop back)

the last thing i have to say in this new year post is that there are some people in my life and maybe even some people who read this who may be on the list of things that i'm not doing from this point forward. i'm going to say in a non-judgmental way with total love in my heart: there is no room for you in my life unless you are living in respect, honour and love. i'm not selling myself short for another day. i realize how things were in the past. i take responsibility for the past and now i'm taking responsibility for the future. if you choose not to look at yourself in the mirror and make the changes that is not my choice. i love you and wish you the best with your life...

on that note... happy new year to everyone. the 30 day hiatus will be the only one this year. sorry about the missing in action status for awhile.

memories... but not the good kind...

today's playlist is here... a mix of old good songs and new favourites:

today i found that after all these years i finally found some validation and justification for everything i've ever felt or said about my mother. the moment was so amazing and life changing that i will never forget it. it was all over in about 90 seconds but i don't think i'll ever be able to erase it from my memory bank.... today while in a movie theatre... during the main feature... that was definitely playing... my mother answered her cell phone and then proceeded to have a conversation.

i'll give you a minute to go back and reread that because it's fucking crazy i know... i mean who does that?? seriously? seriously!

i'm not sure who has already heard this story but back in the day but i broke up with a guy that i had been dating for like 6 months for that... seriously. i walked out of the movie and left him at the movie theatre. when he called me (from the movie) to ask me for a ride the only thing i could manage to get out was "this... rela.. tion... ship... is so so so fucking over"... and i meant it.

it's inexcusable. it's so shockingly bad mannered. i understand so much more about my mother tonight. i think i finally see that we are simply different creatures... different kind of people.

there are times in my life when i can remember the past in such brutal colour and vividness that i literally have to close my eyes and turn my head away from the forceful vision in front of me. i go back to those crystal clear moments and explore them as if they are frozen in time. i walk around and see what i can gather from the whole picture. i see my own face and feel what was in my heart. those are not comfortable moments. they pop up sometimes when i least expect them and then i have to shove them away like a bug flying too close to my face or head... impatiently swipe at the air and look up waiting to see if it will make another pass. today will become one of those days in the future - i'll feel my indignation and embarrassment swell up in my throat as my head snaps with cat like reflex to the left and my eyes fly wide open with horror. today will become a red letter day.

perhaps i'm making too much of nothing like the time that i insisted that the president of taco bell should call me at home because they don't make tostadas in connecticut... seriously wtf? it was still on the drive thru menu just to tease and tempt me and their explanation was that they as a state stopped carrying them because the shells broke too easily and it was creating waste. huh? so make a better shell... i fucking love tostadas and shouldn't be penalized for your sub-par shell handling capabilities! but i digress... i was saying that perhaps that i'm making too big a deal of this and i'm willing to accept that but i think this kind of behaviour says something definitive about a person.

i believe strongly that everyone KNOWS what a dragon looks like and this is a particularly ugly species...

sometimes i have a hard time really saying what i mean

sometimes i have a hard time being direct and saying what i really really mean.

so here goes an attempt.

to you. because you should know who you are. i'm really hurt by the newest development in our friendship in which you without talking to me or telling me why have sort of disappeared. i realize things have been sort of hairy lately - with my transition and with my dad being diagnosed with cancer and all - but i really needed your perspective and your support. i asked and you said that we're fine and that nothing has changed but i haven't heard from you in almost two weeks. thats really weird since we used to talk almost everyday. what i really think is that you're busy and you don't want to deal and that you have other things on your plate and blah blah blah. well great. fucking man up. tell me. don't just stop being my friend while i am struggling to keep it all in perspective... i can always handle the truth. friends don't lie to friends. friends aren't passive aggressive to friends.

just so you know... things are good. and even if they weren't i'd never let you know.

verity

ver·i·ty n. pl. ver·i·ties

1. The quality or condition of being true, factual, or real.
2. Something, such as a statement, principle, or belief, that is true, especially an enduring truth

here is the thing... the real and unadulterated thing... last night there was someone who read things that i had written and it hurt their feelings. for that i am truly sorry and wish that it could have been different.

the things that were the most upsetting however turns out to be the things that weren't written here at all but in my more private places. my feelings about events, people and the world as i have perceived it over the last week or two. i understand how these things could be hurtful but i cannot apologize for the words and feelings. i take full responsibility for anything written or implied as the words, thoughts and feelings are truly mine.

integrity and truth are things that are not subjective. they are concrete. people are either truthful and keep their word or they are not. i have been somewhat untruthful in these past few weeks because i wanted to avoid conflict - i used the excuse of hurt feelings but the reality was that it was selfish - i simply didn't want to have the necessary and potentially confrontational conversation that would inevitably come.

i am not proud of my actions and not satisfied with the outcome but i have come to realize that i will not make excuses or justifications for my words or thoughts. i am not embarrassed of my friendships or my feelings. what i was really embarrassed about was that i got caught avoiding being truthful. the irony of the whole thing is that the truth is so innocuous it was ridiculous to keep it a secret. for the record - yes, i absolutely adore cody. cody is an amazing individual with talent, intelligence, morals and a good heart. he makes me want to be the best version of myself. what is not to like about that? if others want to make that into something dirty or tawdry or tainted they can - i cannot make choices for anyone but myself.

what i am going to do is be faithful to myself and let anyone who wishes to read the words that i have put here. i am going to try to be a better person than i have been for the past couple of weeks... and make an effort to stop avoiding conflict or confrontation and start getting a little better at it. in the meantime we'll all have to live with the fact that i suck... my hope is that you'll forgive me and love me anyway.

tonight tonight

after saying today that i didn't want to do anything hot or go to the movies i did both. i went with one of the boys to see the new die hard movie. i don't want to ruin anything for anyone but bruce willis definitely doesn't die... three movies later and no one can kill the dude. there are several things one should know about going to the movies with me...

1. i hate movie talkers
2. i hate movie talkers
3. i like licorice
4. i hate movie talkers
5. i'm sometimes easily annoyed

lets just leave it at ... the guy who is faintly annoying in the restaurant becomes a whole different movie talking beast during the die hard movie. who does that? seriously? seriously! you just paid $10 and now you're going to ruin it with idle chatter and stupid loud comments? ugh.

maybe with some desperately needed sleep i can be a little more patient.

i wish i could convey in some real words what has been going on with me the past week. i'm so emotional and it's not pms. i feel super overwhelmed and simply raw. i found something today that reminded me of one of the biggest red letter days and will put it here simply because it reminds me of the link / tie between this weeks loss and the greatest loss in my life. these words i shared years later when it came to me on a hot summer night... as if finally i was ready to process what had transpired. without further discussion are these words 2 years old and yet still applicable in these moments.

A majestic morning
Shaded pink
With grey and blue
A softened or a purple hue
In a truck stop or a rest stop
In rusted New Mexico
I sit crying
Looking at the new green leaves and
The new day dawning
Everything is dripping with
The blood and tears of my heart.
How dare birds
Softly chirp in cheerful succession and
Welcome this tainted bruise of a morning.
I wonder how we can live
Eat
Breathe
Without you
Without your soft eyes
Without your confident words.
You always rose before dawn and
Ushered in the new day
With cigarette smoke and coffee
You always let me sit by your feet
Quietly
And didn’t judge me
Or discard me
As my parents did
I cannot sleep now
Broken completely
Because you have left me
Still a child
To fight
In this family
For my dignity.
The day comes anyway
Without my blessing
And I drive to bury you
Even though inside
I am wishing
There was some other way.
All the days are a blur
No silent reprieve of sleep.
Black whiskey
My father yelling
Your neighbors bringing ham
To your yellow house
Again and again
I drink
Sitting by the fireplace downstairs
Thinking of what I would say to you
If I could.
Would it be that
I begged them not to come to the funeral home
So that I could just sit with you
Quietly
For one last dawn
Or that I cried
So hard
That it felt as if
My heart would break
Or that I
Am ashamed to say
I was not as good to you
As you were to me
I think it might be that
There was a majestic morning
Shaded pink
With grey and blue
A softened or a purple hue
That the birds
Softly
But cheerfully
Chirped into existence.