then there is love...

there is a part of every person... i think... that wants to fall in love. i think the idea is that it's just not possible, or probable, or maintainable, or worth it.

i want to say for the record that's it's improbable but it's possible and it can be maintained and it's so so worth it.

i'm in love with a man. he's my best friend and the person that i dream about at night. he makes me laugh. he likes the bad things and the good things about me... on most days. he is everything i've ever wanted in a partner. i believe with every ounce of my being that he is meant to be my love for life.

and it's strange. it's sometimes unbelievable because if you look at where we've been it seems as if no two people survive what we've been through. i want to survive with him. i want to spend everyday with him. i want to let go of what has happened and come back to the happy ending i never even knew i wanted.

i hope you'll understand when i say... i love him unconditionally and completely and i hope one day he'll feel the same about me.

nick rallis and these united states save the day

my ip0d is sorely not me anymore. i hate it when that happens... when suddenly everything you listen to seems to just fit another person or another life. when all the songs remind you of how things used to be like something else or of someone else. suddenly it seems that you have outgrown yourself and you spend a few days wondering what you're going to listen to instead. in truth there is a whole lot of soul searching right before that point but the ip0d is where it's noticed... as if everything was fine until you just can't stand the music you used to love.

i have been on a quest for new things and new ideas... i've been combing hypem.com and every music blog i can find... it's tough going though... not everything is made for loving.

here are some things i have found...
Drag the River - Jeff Black Song

i fell in love with these united states again... specifically the song so high so low so wide so long...
i mean for real... i have a heart pounding sugar coated love thing for them.. like how i feel about mango ice cream. i don't even like ice cream... and yet i love it. i digress...



and if that's not enough to make your heart pitter patter and your face light up at the sheer genius then go here and watch them in the secret garden video:
Hoovesontheturf.com

the music search is probably temporary but while i'm in the throes of missing good tunes feel free to make your suggestions... i'm gettin' desperate here. which i suppose is indicative of more crucial things...

i guess it's something about getting your heart broken... i mean really broken. the kind of heart break that leaves you feeling sort of empty and wondering when it's not going to seem dark. the kind of heart break that only comes from realizing a friend that has been in your life for years has become the worst version of themselves. sometimes addiction and heartache break people and those people just can't honor the good things in their lives. they become thieves and liars. and initially i thought i could forgive it. forgive the theft and the lies. but i cannot. and i don't know what has me so in a funk... i guess simply the loss of the friendship. just in case you've been reading along these past few weeks and wonder what i'm on about lately... i've had to face that a friend is so addicted to their negative vices that he is not able to be anything but a liar. and it has broken my heart.

not like "that"... i have a boyfriend. i always have. we have been on again and off again for years. he's a really good boy. the best kind. he allows me to fall in love with bands and to have my own life - blogging and talking about all these obscure things, to raise my child, to be the person i want to be, to make mistakes, to succeed, to have male friends that break my heart. he supports me and sends me sweet text messages first thing in the morning. he writes me poetry, sings to me (well, he would if i asked him to and does spontaneously sometimes) and if i let him he would even make me banana pancakes. it's so strange that being loved by my best friends, my lover and my family doesn't change how crappy i feel about being betrayed. i suppose all i can continue to do is study for my calculus exam and then wrap myself up in my covers and listen to nick rallis. up loud.

loud enough that it doesn't matter that i found out last what everyone else seemed to know... drug addicts and alcoholics that don't want recovery cannot be saved no matter how much you love them. and while they are stubbornly un-recovered they are ticking time bombs waiting to go off and then lie to everyone to avoid taking responsibility. jameson anyone?

alligators and coldplay

have you ever given up? what did it feel like? what did it look like? were you listening to this song as you did it? Coldplay - Viva la Vida




did you sit on the porch and spill your heart and it's contents before your roommate and God in an attempt to fight the good fight and grasp aloud what was right behind your eyes and wandering aimlessly in your heart. did you find the moment that you came to great clarity with thunderous understanding and perfection that the person that you believed was fighting right along side of you was actually an adversary?

did you hear your roommate say "i know how to call an alligator back" just as the frustration level reached it's peak and you were pretending to make the hissing noise that alligators make to say that they are all set?

did you know at that moment why alligators eat people? i do.

i give up today. not in a poor me way. not in a i can't do this way. i give up because i deserve better. i deserve to know that when i roll the dice and go all in that what i'm gambling on is more than an alligator's temperment or fake plastic chips. i want to know that when i look back on this moment it's not that i chose my path based on maybes... i chose it because it is my Spiritual north and i know in every piece of my being that there simply is no other choice. i want to know that when i get through with the good fight and i've bared my soul to those that stand still and listen long enough to hear it that any scars or cuts that are visible are ones that were not self inflicted and weren't inflicted by an enemy... that those are the scars and cuts that i had to get as a matter of course to get here.

did you know you always get what you ask for... we always get what we ask for no matter what. at that moment... after everything had transpired did you suddenly feel free and completely comfortable in your own skin for the first time in years. maybe you don't have to go anywhere to get to home... maybe home is in your heart and you get there by coming back to yourself with such force that you are ready to stand alone to defend it.

either way... tonight as i listen to coldplay and think about myself i know that this is the perfect place in the perfect moment with everything right where it should be and i find comfort in it... i find satisfaction and happiness.... and that feels like i'm winning the fight.... the good one.

Dream Big

be still my beating heart...

i absolutely for sure no doubts about it know why i'm not married.... it has nothing to do with all the crap we usually discuss... it is simply because this man is married and he is without a doubt the ideal of perfection.... if there are anymore out there like him i would gladly put up with just about anything to have him make me pancakes in the morning, take naps with me in the afternoon and sing to me at night. (sam beam from iron & wine)

if you've ever had a question about if there is sheer goodness and perfection and loveliness in the world i urge to watch this and maybe if you're lucky you'll get little butterflies in your stomach just like i do.... i recommend "innocent bones" because "no one is the saviour they would like to be...."

the weight of the moment

in the weight of the moment i try to be grateful and patient. i try to remain still and calm until the challenges present themselves and i can identify what needs to be done. i attempt to be the best version of myself everyday... to love others and let them love me. sometimes it is harder than others. sometimes it seems that all the gratitude, patience, calmness and the pauses for action are just avoidance ploys and that the best version of myself isn't all that worthy of love... without those things it can seem as if i have very little to give others in way of love.

lately however the internal conversation has been easier. i've realized that i have a lot of things to be grateful for. i have the whole world in front of me.... so many opportunities to choose from. additionally i have songs in the morning (or evening depending on when i check my email) and conversations that make me happy. it feels like change... like improvement in an area that i definitely needed it in.

most importantly in the weight of this moment it is welcome.... it's been a long time since i've been able to be mindful without feeling like it was an uphill battle and it feels great. it feels like it's all right and it's all going to be alright. perhaps it's because of the things that have come before... perhaps it's because i have located my true north and i know what direction i'm heading. perhaps it's because finally i was patient and calm enough to accept and enjoy what was right in front of me... perhaps it was just coincidence... i haven't gotten my head around all of that and i don't need to... for just this once.

little known facts

some little known facts about me:
i love the smell of morning and flowing streams and rain and irish spring soap...
i really love jameson, reading emerson, naps, the sound of the ocean and taking pictures of trees
i daydream of falling in love with a man that can live with me a cabin in the woods, sings to me in the morning and at night, will make me banana pancakes for breakfast and is willing to be honest with himself and others and live with integrity... everything else we'll work out.
i watch movies that are period pieces or historically based... i love great costumes and the feeling of being carried away... i also love foreign films and subtitles and quirky indie films
i don't like french toast or gin or any kind of carnation (even the milk)
i hate feeling frustrated or misunderstood and the idea and practice of karaoke
i write everyday here on my blog, in my personal journal, poetry and in what we're currently referring to as the novella of sorts
i never know what is going to come of those writing sessions and i never plan them ahead of time... i start by finding the playlist and then write how i feel based on what i wanted to listen to.
i find that my life revolves around music more than i ever knew... i have a soundtrack to most things in my life.

sometimes in my life i think about missed opportunities and the things that i didn't give enough time or effort to. i wonder if i had been different in the moment or ready for different things if my life would be different or if i would have gotten here regardless of the path that i took. sometimes i ache for the days back when i was just a child and everything was unwritten and unstarted and unknown. sometimes i long for these moments to be over so i can just be past them.

i worry (sometimes daily) that i am supposed to be doing more, feeling more, committing more, growing, learning, changing and experiencing more. sometimes i feel stagnant in the middle of change like a person feels in the eye of the storm... sometimes even with my life in upheaval things are so quiet and calm at the center of me. i wish that i needed less change and adventure. i wish that i would be content with a small life that involved less time on the battle ground.

i have become weary in the past few days of being on the forefront and wish that i could apply for furlough although i know there is no rest and there is no leaving the front lines. i hope for a person that can accept all the things that i have come to understand and own the battle with me. there are days when i wonder how i'll ever explain to someone how i got here and what the purpose is for continuing. more and more i've become afraid that there will never be another night's sleep without worrying about the things i've come to know and there will never be another moment of sanctuary or peace that i don't have to fight tooth and nail for. i find that in this particular time of beginning to understand and finally open my eyes that i hold certain people even closer to my heart... they have become an indelible part of my past, present and future. i could never release that bond because without the role model of living in love i think i would forget easily... or give up when the fatigue and the frustration at the state of the world became too much. they are my reminders and my talismans that true north exists, that there is a standard of gold and of love, that sometimes there are people in your life you are simply meant to love and lastly that all the answers are here if we are just quiet enough long enough to hear what our hearts are telling us.

tonight my heart is telling me to make tea, put my feet up and relax.... i don't have to do everything right now... just breathe and relax. and since my heart has had years of practice listening to that very sound advice i'm going to take it once again... while doing that i'm going to reflect on this:
"If we look wider, things are all alike; laws and letters and creeds and modes of living seem a travesty of truth. Our society is encumbered by ponderous machinery, which resembles the endless aqueducts which the Romans built over hill and dale and which are superseded by the discovery of the law that water rises to the level of its source. It is a Chinese wall which any nimble Tartar can leap over. It is a standing army, not so good as a peace. It is a graduated, titled, richly appointed empire, quite superfluous when town-meetings are found to answer just as well.

Let us draw a lesson from nature, which always works by short ways. When the fruit is ripe, it falls. When the fruit is despatched, the leaf falls. The circuit of the waters is mere falling. The walking of man and all animals is a falling forward. All our manual labor and works of strength, as prying, splitting, digging, rowing and so forth, are done by dint of continual falling, and the globe, earth, moon, comet, sun, star, fall for ever and ever.

The simplicity of the universe is very different from the simplicity of a machine. He who sees moral nature out and out and thoroughly knows how knowledge is acquired and character formed, is a pedant. The simplicity of nature is not that which may easily be read, but is inexhaustible. The last analysis can no wise be made. We judge of a man's wisdom by his hope, knowing that the perception of the inexhaustibleness of nature is an immortal youth. The wild fertility of nature is felt in comparing our rigid names and reputations with our fluid consciousness. We pass in the world for sects and schools, for erudition and piety, and we are all the time jejune babes. One sees very well how Pyrrhonism grew up. Every man sees that he is that middle point whereof every thing may be affirmed and denied with equal reason. He is old, he is young, he is very wise, he is altogether ignorant. He hears and feels what you say of the seraphim, and of the tin-peddler. There is no permanent wise man except in the figment of the Stoics. We side with the hero, as we read or paint, against the coward and the robber; but we have been ourselves that coward and robber, and shall be again,--not in the low circumstance, but in comparison with the grandeurs possible to the soul." Emerson

about today

this song is amazing. it's worth a good listen to.



how many days of your life have passed where you knew that soon you would lose something monumental? in death, in rebirth, in transition or in the general sands of time. in those moments and that recognition of that loss were you conscientious? were you careful? did you take that moments and catalogue all the things that you felt, smelled, saw, heard and touched? did you sit in the dark and see the outline of the person next to you and hear the rise and fall of their breathing and feel that ache spread into your rib cage because you knew that it would be the last time that you would be close enough to smell them? perhaps they smelled of musk and of sex and smelled exactly how they tasted when you touched your mouth to their shoulder and the soft indent in the back of their neck. did you exhale that heavy breath full of sadness and regret about the unfinished things and the loss of the goodness and beauty between you into the night air and feel it linger around you in it's weight and potency? did you see them that morning in the early light as it peaked through the blinds and memorize how their hair stood up against the pillow and how their skin was sprinkled softly with only a few freckles - three to be exact?

i recommend that before you live the next day you commit a few things to memory and you commit them so fully and with such detail that everyday beyond this one you have those moments to come back to. life is not worth living unless the precious details make an imprint on us... on our hearts and our minds. life is not life without those blaring flashes of impatient memories that bring us solidly back to a different time... the time before we know what we know now. that instant is so bittersweet and so powerful that without it i might go as far as to say you have not truly lived in your own skin.

we are all masters and commanders

so there was a moment from last week that i wish i could share here at length because
a. it was important to me... perhaps we can go as far as saying that it changed my life in it's current form b. that's sort of what we do here... you and i... i write about random moments and how it affects the whole and c. i really don't have much else to talk about today but it was so special and so much just my own moment that i can't do it justice with words. instead i will share this musical clip with you so you can have a quiet moment of your own.

a little touch up and a little paint

bruce springsteen doesn't really want me to post his music for free here so the best i can do is give you a link and you can listen simultaneously...
bruce springsteen - human touch

sometimes it feels like this uncertainty and the waiting will never end. i suppose we all want the same thing and eventually we all find something resembling it... or do we? sometimes we love without being loved, sometimes we overlook love being given to us, sometimes we simply are too caught up in our own shit to love... but once just once it would be nice if i PERSONALLY could have that moment.

all i'm looking for is this: someone who understands me, has an understanding of themselves, is willing to be patient while i overanalyze and overthink almost everything, will cook me pancakes in the morning and sing to me in the night and in the morning... he doesn't have to be perfect and i certainly am not... i did hear recently that i am a woman who is "worth her flaws" which was nice... it was something to definitely be grateful for...

you don't think what i'm asking is too much do ya?

You and me we were the pretenders
We let it all slip away
In the end what you dont surrender
Well the world just strips away
Girl, aint no kindness in the face of strangers
Aint gonna find no miracles here
Well you can wait on your blessings my darling
I got a deal for you right here
I aint looking for praise or pity
I aint coming round searching for a crutch
I just want someone to talk to
And a little of that human touch
Just a little of that human touch

Aint no mercy on the streets of this town
Aint no bread from heavenly skies
Aint nobody drawing wine from this blood
Its just you and me tonight
Tell me, in a world without pity
Do you think what Im askings too much
I just want something to hold on to
And a little of that human touch
Just a little of that human touch

Oh girl that feeling of safety that you prize
Well it comes at a hard hard price
You cant shut off the risk and the pain
Without losing the love that remains
Were all riders on this train

So youve been broken and youve been hurt
Show me somebody who aint
Yeah, I know I aint nobodys bargain
But, hell, a little touch up and a little paint...
You might need something to hold on to
When all the answers, they dont amount to much
Somebody that you could just to talk to
And a little of that human touch
Baby, in a world without pity
Do you think what Im askins too much
I just want to feel you in my arms
Share a little of that human touch
Feel a little of that human touch
Give me a little of that human touch

today we all float on... even if things get heavy

i took this picture today when i was out... it's so sad. it really pulled at my heart and then i thought about all the things it could mean and all the lives and all the people that were affected.

i'm a big fan these days of audio to go with what i'm blogging about... so here is the song for today: a lack of color (live) - death cab for cutie. just right click on the song title and ask it to open in another tab so you can still read. your music experience will start while we get to the rest of it.... although the rest of it lately has disappointed even me.

have you ever wondered what happens to dreams when they die? like if they shrivel up and become old discarded cocoons inside ourselves... stinted butterflies that rot and decay inside our brains instead of growing big and beautiful? perhaps somewhere there is a graveyard of all the things that have been discarded and lost and didn't become what the dreamer had in mind. i have dreams... lots of them... dreams about having a small house on a piece of land with no one around for miles and miles, a photography studio, writing a book, having someone to come home to, emma growing up healthy and happy, being sung to in the morning and at night, pancakes for breakfast, a fireplace, a garden and a small life filled with quiet and solitude that makes me happy and content in a way that i could never explain here. an uncluttered life. a simple life.... do those things exist anymore? simple lives? lives built for people that don't care about the "other stuff"? sometimes i wonder. sometimes i worry that my chances have all passed me by.

okay onto the next song: float on - modest mouse. again just click right there... and i'll just say out loud that streaming modest mouse is a huge pain so enjoy it as much as i do. the point of it is this.... yes, sometimes life is just okay and we have to just float on. we have to just move forward trusting that taking that leap will be rewarded with experience eventually. remember that sign i saw in washington that said "experience is something you get after you need it"....wow. perhaps this is just the experience i need and i'll have it later after it all comes to a close.

you can see the rest of the pictures of today by clicking here.

the phrase is almost retired

the picture is the closest i could get to me circa 10 years ago... it's close... 7 years i think... and i post it in honour of having a friend from 10 years ago and to the person i was, am and will be.


all time top ten favourite things in life:
crushed ice
flying (not on planes but actual flying... duh)
good talks with old friends
new perspectives
making mistakes and having the opportunity to correct the mistakes
loving someone enough to trust them completely
the phrase "we're almost there"
the sound of someone singing in the morning and at night
pancakes
waking up each day and facing all the potential that a brand new day brings

tonight i had the pleasure... the absolute blessing... the infinite privilege of talking to an old friend. a friend that i have known 10 years. wow. fucking 10 years. we've always been friends but along the way i think there was a time where we didn't value or trust each other like we should have. perhaps there was a point where i wasn't a good friend to him and for that i have always had regret. luckily he has forgiven me. luckily i had the opportunity to continue to be his friend past that icky point and into the present. so tonight we talked about where we are now. no bullshit. no punches. the truth about who we are and where we are now. i was so happy to say to him that he didn't need to explain because i knew and trusted him. i was so elated to tell him that i am proud of him. can life get any better? after we got off the phone tonight i went back and reread my journal... the good things and the bad things .... things that are no longer public domain and i still can't think of anything to say but i am grateful. i am so so grateful. how could we have come to this if we had taken a different path? how could we be ourselves if we had gone a different way? i suppose it's confirmation of faith, of karma, of the universe and for a plan greater than ourselves. what a wonderful wonderful thing.

i'm a pretty lucky girl. on that note i am going to dream sweet dreams of flying with infinite amounts of crushed ice and love in my heart.

oh oh oh missoula

there i am waiting for anneke to get off work and catching up on some reading... some suggested and then newly purchased richard bach. i'm in a bar and so i should have expected what would come next... i should have known.

there he is. the man women move to montana to date / sleep with / marry / make pancakes and music with... he's there and he's talking to me. eyes lined from smiling and time spent outside. beard and hair a little long and curly and somewhat dirty and messy but oh oh oh.... and he's talking more and smiling. those lines are deeper and there are more when he laughs. i glance down and one of his pant legs is still rolled up from riding a bike.... oh oh oh. then it happens without warning... he says "can i buy you a drink?" and i'm looking right at him. i want to say yes. i want to take whatever it is he's going to give me (not like an STD but you KNOW what i mean). instead i say no. i say no and he seems sort of confused and then i say you can buy me .... (10 second pause) a soda? i end anti-climatically. it's clear he doesn't want to buy me a soda. i want to explain that i'm a jameson and ginger girl. a girl HAS to have standards and irish whiskey in a pint glass that i can drink one after another is my standard. i want to explain that i used to drink but it's awkward and he's looking at me with a question in those eyes. i simply say... "i don't drink" and he gets that glazed over look... the disinterested one. i almost relent... i'm seconds away from falling off the wagon... gimme a big drink, a pack of smokes and a huge dose of irresponsible. i want so much to avoid reality. i want to avoid being a grown up. i want to avoid everything i'm facing. instead i smile and try to make small talk but instead he says that if i change my mind he'll be at the bar and turns and leaves.

see, the thing is that i already HAVE changed my mind. thats how we got here. this is my mind. i still want to change it back... did i mention that he has an amazing butt as he walks away? oh oh oh.... there goes the first bad choice i didn't make. there goes the last of my old life and old self. at least it looked fabulous as i watched it leave...