sunday lessons

This morning we got a lesson in going with the flow... We got all ready for church and our food ready for the church picnic and when we went out to leave the car battery was dead! Guess *someone* left the key on last night... I'm blaming the squirrels! So, we had to wait while the battery was charged... It was nice to have an extra cup of coffee and just chat. We missed church but we got there in time to help set up and hang out! Also, we got pictures of the girls which is of course my main priority every day.
Sometimes its better when things don't go as planned because that time together is great.

it's the time...

The time has come for the blogging to start again. It's been so long that it feels like a foreign process; to write, to compose, to share and to be transparent all seem like such a reach after going into a mode of privacy for so long. There is so much to share. A move, a wedding, a pregnancy, a baby, a marriage and a life. I'll spend the next week or so catching up and sharing about each event and then we'll start with the current goings on... the daily dazzling beautiful organized chaos that is our life. I think I'm ready....

In the meantime you can enjoy baby pictures!

and here is to 2010

i love my life. i have a great life. i have a wonderful daughter who is funny and smart and loving. i have a family who is good to each other and loves each other. i am proud of my siblings, their choices and of the people they have chosen to be in their lives. school is exciting and a challenge and i have really enjoyed every minute of it! i have amazing friends... amazing friends... that support and love me through thick and thin. lastly, but not least, i have a boyfriend who is a pillar of strength in my life. he is my best friend, my lover and everything i could have ever hoped for in a man.

2010 will hold big changes for us.... some of them are bigger than i can imagine. some have already happened and i'm so grateful. there might be less blogs in 2010. i seem to have less angst and that was what i blogged about. please don't take it personally. i hope to find something else to put here - daily photographs maybe? to fill the daily spots.

happy new year!

then there is love...

there is a part of every person... i think... that wants to fall in love. i think the idea is that it's just not possible, or probable, or maintainable, or worth it.

i want to say for the record that's it's improbable but it's possible and it can be maintained and it's so so worth it.

i'm in love with a man. he's my best friend and the person that i dream about at night. he makes me laugh. he likes the bad things and the good things about me... on most days. he is everything i've ever wanted in a partner. i believe with every ounce of my being that he is meant to be my love for life.

and it's strange. it's sometimes unbelievable because if you look at where we've been it seems as if no two people survive what we've been through. i want to survive with him. i want to spend everyday with him. i want to let go of what has happened and come back to the happy ending i never even knew i wanted.

i hope you'll understand when i say... i love him unconditionally and completely and i hope one day he'll feel the same about me.

you'll know when you get there

two things happened tonight....

1.) miss lowercasesandcapitals changed my life by pointing out that this - Daytrotter Session Archives - available and free to download. it's music by everyone who is anyone in the daytrotter world and it's revamped my music collection. 5 hours of amazing music so far and i'm nowhere near done. i was in serious need of new music. everything i had was either old or reminded me of someone i don't want to be haunted by.

here are some tidbits i think are worth listening to: (you'll have to right click and find what i'm referring to... but it's a great investment of your time)

anya marina - move you

bon iver - flume

these united states - so high so low so wide so long

2.) the same lovely lady changed my life by having the time to just talk it out with me. i feel like i'm the most selfish person on earth needing to talk it out. needing to ask for help is difficult for me. i hate that he was the one i talked to and now i feel like i have all this talking to do and can't reach out to the person who has been there for the past two years. i know we're all sick of listening about it. shit, i'm sick of hearing about it. i'm sick of talking about it. i'm sick to death of it. i'm ready to just be OVER it. but it doesn't work like that. you don't fall in love with someone slowly and give your heart, trust and secrets to someone piece by piece and then switch it off in one day. maybe "you" do. but i don't. i'm just not like that.

tonight as we talked about my "it" and we talked about her "it" i realized that this too is the thing that is going to be painful and uncomfortable up until the point that i can look myself in the mirror and say "that was the most painful thing that's happened to me and i'm grateful for every single second. i wouldn't change it for the world. it's made me who i am. it's mine. i lived it." when you can say it and mean it... that's when it's over. and not a second before that.

until then i'm going to keep being grateful. i'm going to keep doing all the things that make me happy. i'm going to keep all the great things about myself and let this one part help me to move into the person i know i'm growing into.

in the meantime... please excuse my construction.

thank you for knowing i'm grateful

i love my life. i don't think i say that enough. i truly do love. my. life.

i have so many great things - my family (who will all be under ONE roof for thanksgiving), great friends - the kind that don't even care that this break up has completely thrown me for a loop and understand that i have to keep up at school and with emma as if the boy didn't pull out my heart and stomp on it so they are kind enough to listen in the evenings, my daughter emma who continually is a joy to be around - she's the kind of kid that just says hilarious stuff and is silly at all the right times but so amazingly intelligent and beautiful.

i'm fortunate. i know i'm fortunate. and sometimes i don't express that enough here. i say the things i don't say elsewhere... it's my outlet. it's my time to vent or to talk about how i'm feeling about the things that you don't say at the dinner table or to the cashier at the grocery store that asks "how are you today?" and so i appreciate that you read and understand the perspective and love me even though lately all i want to do is talk about how breaking up sucks.

i promise that if you can hold on this will get better. i'm stronger everyday. i understand more everyday that this relationship ending is actually a really really good thing. and along the way i'm trying to learn about myself and about the world... thanks for being along for the ride.

and you know who you are... don't you?

sometimes in life it seems, from my perspective, that people just don't know "who" they are. they have ideas and thoughts and experiences but they leap from situation to situation without any real growth or responsibility. they are always looking for the next thing that will make them feel good without any thought about the long run. when you look at the track record of those people it's clear to see that destruction is left in the wake of their selfish manipulations.

sometimes finding out "who" someone is can change the way everything looks. the change feels almost immediate and the relief in the core is palpable. that's how i feel today. i realize, now, that i have been waiting for the return of a person that never existed. i have been waiting, bloody heart in hand, day after day after day for the return of a fictional character.

it's sad and it's shocking... at first... and then after an hour or so it's just a huge relief. like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

my brain literally said: "you mean i don't have to wait around for mr. hyde instead of dr. jekyll? you mean i don't have to sit through blaming and accusations? you mean i don't have to compromise absolutely everything and then apologize for that not being enough? you mean i don't have to pretend that love means you sleep with another person? you mean i don't have to trust a liar? you mean it's no longer a hostage negotiation? i don't have to do business with an emotional terrorist?"

and once i realized that it's over... it's really over it suddenly felt as if i could breathe again. as if i've been holding my breath all these months. and i don't know if you know what that feels like. what it's really like to finally exhale and then inhale again. but i can tell you, from my perspective, it feels good. really really good.

tgifriday?

i've had the longest night in the history of long nights. well, at least the longest night i've had in a few years. sometimes people still surprise me. just when you think that know someone... you think you really really know them... they come up with something that complete surprises you. strangely, that's never that they make a perfect chocolate cake from scratch or that they help the homeless... it's always something that is a kick in the teeth.

but because it's friday and i'm tired. i'm letting it go. all of it. i'm forgiving and forgetting. as long as this ghost of my past life promises never to haunt me again. and if you'll be so kind as to indulge me...

then good ol' 43 hits...

relationships ending is weird. it's uncomfortable and it's strange... or maybe i'm just uncomfortable and strange inside of the experience.

today i remembered the break experience #43 - when you concretely realize that when "i'll always love you" was said it really meant "i'll love you until it's not really all that convenient and then i find another girl (who doesn't think i'm an asshole) to sleep with me, which will be pretty quick after we break up because in all actuality i really don't love you all that much"

it's harder than #7 - telling a friend you haven't talked to in awhile that the relationship is over but you don't really want to talk about it

and definitely harder than #22 - realizing that things that were your "couple" favorite - movies, songs, jokes and little intimate things - are now off limits

but it's not the most difficult thing in the world.... hopefully.... because i have other stuff to do this week and i'm tired of thinking about it.

the start of a new journey

it's been so long. so so so long. so long since i've sat down to write. to put my words out there. not for you. just for me. i've had so much to say and yet this just wasn't the forum. it wasn't the place that i could come back and spill what i felt needed to be said. and now... on the other side of this part of the journey i feel that i am more prepared to write. to be open to the positive things that come from being transparent.

my life is so good. it's just so good. i can't even describe how fortunate i've been these past few months. i am so grateful that we're in wisconsin and i'm finishing school. i just kept putting it off because it was easier to get distracted, it was easier to do other things. now i'm committed and working at finally getting finished and i can see the finish line. the metaphorical light at the end of the tunnel. and i've made it a long tunnel. 18 credit hours this semester and a research project. and it's worth every second. every hour spent studying and every moment of doubt that maybe another degree or another path would be easier. nothing in life that is worth having is easy. if it was easy everyone would have it.

and now to the other part of the blog... but first the soundtrack:


the part of my life that difficult right now is the heart part. i just want to say - without preaching - that everyone should know... they should fundamentally understand what cheating does to a relationship and to trust and respect and finally to love. it destroys it. there are people who overcome it - people who find that it was a wake up call in their relationship to make things better and i wish my experience was like that. but it wasn't. my experience was that he simply chose to sleep with another person... even though he said he still loved me. i don't think love is supposed to feel like this. i don't think love is supposed to shatter your heart.

i'm not going to go into the details because the person reads here. but knowing. and continuing on after finding out that he slept with someone else has been easier and harder than i could have ever imagined. the part that keeps my stomach in knots is knowing that the moment between them may have only been trivial to him but it was everything we had together. the two years that we built a frienship and a relationship. all the moments that were so dear to me. that were sacred. that's what he gave her. and i hope she's happy with it... i hope it fits her well.

we've tried for months. we've continued to try. in hope that i suppose we'd be able to revive what was lost. but after last night's conversation i have given up hope. i have to move on.

and so now... that's the direction i'm moving. towards the future. and what a beautiful future it's going to be.

sometimes it's easy to forget...

sometimes it's easy to forget who is fighting the good fight and who (or whom?) is fighting simply for their own gain. things aren't so simple when you're a grown up. i don't know why not. why don't simple paradigms like cowboys and indians or robbers and cops just stay simple? before you know it you realize that the cowboys ruined a civilization and not all cops are better than the robbers that they fight. it's confusing and sometimes it leaves me feeling bewildered and wondering if there is indeed an instruction manual. if there is what would you call it? would you call it the Bible? the Koran? the teachings of Buddha? would you call it the forest and the simple pillars of nature? would you eschew all those teachings and say man makes his own instructions? somewhere inside all of it is a explanation. and sometimes that explanation glorifies your life - like the day i had yesterday. and sometimes that explanation brings the understanding of what is true on it's metaphorical ear - which is good because it turns out i have a fucking hard time hearing when i'm being stubborn.

perhaps it's possible that when a friend speaks truth to you and it hurts your heart it's a truth you need to hear. perhaps it's possible that in refusing to continue certain old patterns and interactions there are friends that are teaching the most valuable lesson of all. it's those truths i need to hear and i need to speak. i should be that brave. it's those things i need to reflect on - not the words or the emotion but the weight and the importance of the interaction. because when i don't hear properly... when i don't fucking get the message i get all soft and try to be forgiving which seems to mean forgetful about what we're doing here. and then i get phone calls like the one i did today - inviting me to key west. talking about how i'm weak or scared for not going... even though it's an idea that i wouldn't EVER entertain. a person on the other end of a phone that doesn't understand that all i can give at this point is a respectful distance and a resolute promise... to no longer "do my best" and stay within myself and remember where i've been.

it's been a year - and in that year i've learned everything about myself. i've learned about who and what i am. i've learned so many good things. the good days are really good. the bad days are few and far between and definitely managable. i've learned what i'm made of. i've learned who my friends are and i've learned how to remember every day what i'm capable of - for good and for bad. and most importantly i've learned that friends don't ask friends to go to key west, they don't ask them to descend into the canyon of crazy on a whim... and if they do... with friends like that who needs tequila?

love and love alike

my dear friend the incredibly helpful jay and i decided to both love this album together - the decemberists - the hazards of love. you should totally love it too. no really. do it. love it. it will make you happy in a calm relaxed way in which you realize the world is better for music having been made. everyone needs that in their lives.

just in case you are concerned about my music credentials after my last two guilty pleasure posts, i'm going to admit that you have every right to be concerned. but at least i'm admitting my little secret pleasures and opening myself up. by my logic that should make me more of an reliable source. jay on the other hand is just awesome and is my favorite boy to love things with. you can trust him. he's very tall (just to show off mostly) and we all know tall people hear things more clearly.... sigh. maybe that's why i like bad music. i'm practically a midget at 5'4" or 5'3.5" technically. i keep hoping i'll grow but 33 is right around the corner (or 28 for the 5th time) and i'm pretty sure there are no 33rd year growth spurts. although i would take one if i could get my hands on one.

anyway.... here is what you should love love love. besides yourself and of course jay and i.

the decemberists - annan water

the decemberists - the hazards of love 4

hell in a head gasket

my car is... well... being an issue. and looks like i need a head gasket. *sigh*

i didn't do well on my physics exam last week. *ugh*

i have a calculus exam tomorrow. *bluh*

i have a research paper to write about the effects of environmental racism. *yuck*

the dishes need doing. *......*

however, i got to talk to my favorite chester boy today for an hour and a half. *hooray*

i have a fun activity planned with emma this afternoon post school. and she got 100% on her spelling test last week!! *woohoo*

my coffee was exceptionally awesome this morning. *mmmmm*

i get to see dawnielle this weekend. *sigh, in a good way*


i've decided what happens in life is not personal. this is life. i make choices. some are good and some are flawed. i just take it one day at a time, do what i can do and patiently wait for things to work themselves out. when they work out i am grateful. when it's difficult going or it requires lots of doing i take it one step at a time and cross the bridges as they come. when they don't work out i sigh but am grateful for the lesson. it's all okay and it's just life. it's meant to be challenging and exciting and a learning curve.

i'd still like an instruction booklet though....

shoulda coulda woulda

should be studying for physics... energy and force and acceleration and whatnot but i just can't seem to muster up the energy to accelerate my ass in that direction... it feels.. well like i'm being forced. come'on you know i'm clever... that's funny right?... i totally know. i'm funny.

and apparently give good sound bites. that's at least what an ignorant asshole wrote me the other day when i told him to go peddle crazy somewhere else.... then he rambled on with incoherent shit for another two paragraphs or so. i'd probably remember it but it was ridiculous and chock full of crazy. now, i know i'm supposed to be able to be above that sort of negativity. trust me. that was the positive version of what i wanted to say... i guess sometimes you just have to call a duck a duck.

luckily i am able to focus on physics, my friends and the good things in my life. it makes me thankful that i have time and space between myself and self deluded lying drug addicts who manipulate every situation to be about themselves.

nick rallis and these united states save the day

my ip0d is sorely not me anymore. i hate it when that happens... when suddenly everything you listen to seems to just fit another person or another life. when all the songs remind you of how things used to be like something else or of someone else. suddenly it seems that you have outgrown yourself and you spend a few days wondering what you're going to listen to instead. in truth there is a whole lot of soul searching right before that point but the ip0d is where it's noticed... as if everything was fine until you just can't stand the music you used to love.

i have been on a quest for new things and new ideas... i've been combing hypem.com and every music blog i can find... it's tough going though... not everything is made for loving.

here are some things i have found...
Drag the River - Jeff Black Song

i fell in love with these united states again... specifically the song so high so low so wide so long...
i mean for real... i have a heart pounding sugar coated love thing for them.. like how i feel about mango ice cream. i don't even like ice cream... and yet i love it. i digress...



and if that's not enough to make your heart pitter patter and your face light up at the sheer genius then go here and watch them in the secret garden video:
Hoovesontheturf.com

the music search is probably temporary but while i'm in the throes of missing good tunes feel free to make your suggestions... i'm gettin' desperate here. which i suppose is indicative of more crucial things...

i guess it's something about getting your heart broken... i mean really broken. the kind of heart break that leaves you feeling sort of empty and wondering when it's not going to seem dark. the kind of heart break that only comes from realizing a friend that has been in your life for years has become the worst version of themselves. sometimes addiction and heartache break people and those people just can't honor the good things in their lives. they become thieves and liars. and initially i thought i could forgive it. forgive the theft and the lies. but i cannot. and i don't know what has me so in a funk... i guess simply the loss of the friendship. just in case you've been reading along these past few weeks and wonder what i'm on about lately... i've had to face that a friend is so addicted to their negative vices that he is not able to be anything but a liar. and it has broken my heart.

not like "that"... i have a boyfriend. i always have. we have been on again and off again for years. he's a really good boy. the best kind. he allows me to fall in love with bands and to have my own life - blogging and talking about all these obscure things, to raise my child, to be the person i want to be, to make mistakes, to succeed, to have male friends that break my heart. he supports me and sends me sweet text messages first thing in the morning. he writes me poetry, sings to me (well, he would if i asked him to and does spontaneously sometimes) and if i let him he would even make me banana pancakes. it's so strange that being loved by my best friends, my lover and my family doesn't change how crappy i feel about being betrayed. i suppose all i can continue to do is study for my calculus exam and then wrap myself up in my covers and listen to nick rallis. up loud.

loud enough that it doesn't matter that i found out last what everyone else seemed to know... drug addicts and alcoholics that don't want recovery cannot be saved no matter how much you love them. and while they are stubbornly un-recovered they are ticking time bombs waiting to go off and then lie to everyone to avoid taking responsibility. jameson anyone?

yesterday, today, tomorrow

strange things have been in the works... it feels like change and for once i think change is good. it just seems like although i am in the same place and doing the same things and not planning on changing anything that there are things in my life changing despite myself. things dying and things renewed and gain and loss and things without tally or without definition.

one of the things changing is love. learning and relearning what it means to love, be loved and to lose love. the other changing is letting go. learning and relearning what it means to let go, to be released and not be lost in the midst of it.

i woke up this morning and thought that i would like to be shown about love and about letting go and then... without warning jay sent the following websites to me:

love letters

and

so there

you should go to them both and then love jay. i went, i read, i will keep going back, and i love him more than unicorns. (specifically more than i love unicorns but also possibly more than unicorns love him... either way you want to read that... they're both true)

here is an excerpt from so there:

I want you to know that I've always loved you. I've cherished your name, relished in your presence, sighed with poignant love at your voice. Such elegance in your awkward body; I know love's hymn lies somewhere in your soul, if you would only sing it.

Though I believe we will never be more than strong, loving friends, I want you to know I will always look to you differently. It doesn't seem right to leave you in the dark, not knowing someone has such strong feelings for you.

I'm scared. I don't think I have the strength if you reject me. I don't think I have the courage to send this letter.

wanted...

wanted...
1. one afternoon by a river in connecticut. i've got the place if you've got the time.
2. one day with cody, to read, talk, sing, laugh and just be together.
3. a first edition of atlas shrugged.
4. a time machine
5. an internship for the summer
6. tickets to see sam beam live
7. a week of porch time in the valley to get my head and my heart right
8. another perspective
9. a friend to hold my secrets
10. everything ever written by chuck plahniuk
11. an evening in new york to see the dalai lama speak
12. a bike to ride in missoula montana
13. stationary to write some apologies
14. more energy
15. a new pair of sunglasses
16. to not have found my 3rd grey hair
17. a cabin in the woods
18. a plane ticket
19. earl grey ice cream

once upon a time

once upon a time i came across a poetry book that was a compilation of authors, styles etc... and it had the most exquisite poem in it. i wrote in my journal the following in reference to it.

"a red sun stains the lake like colored glass. Day is stopping." - Kayaks, pg. 425

i wrote it to myself as a reminder to return when i could.

i have often thought of that poem like an old lover, a set of sheets that i loved, the phone number of my friend in 6th grade named ian, my lost teddy bear from when i was 9 ... named bearspot...

there are things in the world we lose and we know where they go... our innocence, virginity, money, common sense... and there are things that we lament... relationships, the perfect mixed cd, opportunities.

then there are things that we long for. this poem, in it's entirety is one of those things for me.

for the incredibly helpful jay

the band we fell in love to... azure ray..

i appreciate you. i'm so glad we're "it's complicated" and that we were once married on myspace. you make my computer happy... although it is is somewhat disorganized still....

let's see each other soon and have a snowball fight and make s'mores and have a pillow fight and do each other's hair...

i'm not ready to make nice....

dixie chicks... not ready to make nice


i realize that i have asked for forgiveness from people and i have been fortunate enough that i have always received it... for the most part and usually in a way that is constructive and helpful for continuing my life.

i've thought a lot over the past few days about what forgiveness means and what it should be about...

–verb (used with object)

1.	to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.

2.	to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.).

3.	to grant pardon to (a person).

4.	to cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one's enemies.

5.	to cancel an indebtedness or liability of: to forgive the interest owed on a loan.

–verb (used without object)

6.	to pardon an offense or an offender.

"in general, forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentments and thoughts of revenge. Forgiveness is the act of untying yourself from thoughts and feelings that bind you to the offense committed against you. This can reduce the power these feelings otherwise have over you, so that you can a live freer and happier life in the present. Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you. Forgiving isn't the same as forgetting what happened to you. The act that hurt or offended you may always remain a part of your life. But forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help you focus on other, positive parts of your life. Forgiveness also doesn't mean that you deny the other person's responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn't minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act."

and i believe that forgiveness itself is important and should be offered to anyone who is willing to say they are sorry and earnestly request it. i really believe that. no matter what the offense is or how it seems to be difficult. forgiving is part of being the person i want to be.

and so i offer you this... the specific you, not the royal you, who is asking for forgiveness and called me tonight to tell me about how you think about me and how you feel... i forgive you. not for you but for me. there is no ill-will from my side of the continental united states.

however i'm not ready to make nice. i'm not ready to talk about it or hear about how you are doing or what is going on with you. i'm just not. i wish i was and that i could just wave a magic wand and make this divide between us disappear.... but i can't. there isn't that kind of magic in the world and to be honest i'm not sure that is the best thing for me. i'm still trying to process and understand what has happened and why.

i'm still trying to get my head around how you thought this was my fault. i'm still trying to put it in perspective and be able to understand what all this means in the scope of the here and now. i haven't even begun to look at what it means in the future.

and god does it sting. it all sucks. i'm not happy about our current state either. this is the last thing i wanted but avoiding is only going to cause that false premise in the future and more issues for us to dissect and worry about in years to come. additionally i'm hoping that you might take this time to understand your part in all of this.

so i can say that for now radio silence is in effect... until further notice. i don't know when that notice will be or what needs to happen before then. you'll be the second person to know when i'm ready to talk to you... i'll of course be the first. in the meantime let's not do the thing where you call me to talk about it. i know for sure or fo' sho' as the kids say that it doesn't feel good.

i wish you well on your journey. take care of yourself. take care of what you need to take care of. i'll be doing the same here.... and working in earnest to be at peace with all that our story has become.