sometimes it's easy to forget who is fighting the good fight and who (or whom?) is fighting simply for their own gain. things aren't so simple when you're a grown up. i don't know why not. why don't simple paradigms like cowboys and indians or robbers and cops just stay simple? before you know it you realize that the cowboys ruined a civilization and not all cops are better than the robbers that they fight. it's confusing and sometimes it leaves me feeling bewildered and wondering if there is indeed an instruction manual. if there is what would you call it? would you call it the Bible? the Koran? the teachings of Buddha? would you call it the forest and the simple pillars of nature? would you eschew all those teachings and say man makes his own instructions? somewhere inside all of it is a explanation. and sometimes that explanation glorifies your life - like the day i had yesterday. and sometimes that explanation brings the understanding of what is true on it's metaphorical ear - which is good because it turns out i have a fucking hard time hearing when i'm being stubborn.
perhaps it's possible that when a friend speaks truth to you and it hurts your heart it's a truth you need to hear. perhaps it's possible that in refusing to continue certain old patterns and interactions there are friends that are teaching the most valuable lesson of all. it's those truths i need to hear and i need to speak. i should be that brave. it's those things i need to reflect on - not the words or the emotion but the weight and the importance of the interaction. because when i don't hear properly... when i don't fucking get the message i get all soft and try to be forgiving which seems to mean forgetful about what we're doing here. and then i get phone calls like the one i did today - inviting me to key west. talking about how i'm weak or scared for not going... even though it's an idea that i wouldn't EVER entertain. a person on the other end of a phone that doesn't understand that all i can give at this point is a respectful distance and a resolute promise... to no longer "do my best" and stay within myself and remember where i've been.
it's been a year - and in that year i've learned everything about myself. i've learned about who and what i am. i've learned so many good things. the good days are really good. the bad days are few and far between and definitely managable. i've learned what i'm made of. i've learned who my friends are and i've learned how to remember every day what i'm capable of - for good and for bad. and most importantly i've learned that friends don't ask friends to go to key west, they don't ask them to descend into the canyon of crazy on a whim... and if they do... with friends like that who needs tequila?
Showing posts with label emerson. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emerson. Show all posts
18 May 2009
20 April 2009
san diego's southern cross
'cause the truth you might be runnin' from is so small
but it's as big as the promise, the promise of a comin' day
so i'm sailin' for tomorrow, my dreams are a dyin'.....
think about how many times i have fallin'
spirits are using me, larger voices callin'...
....
crosby stills and nash - southern cross
i have learned many things from this past weekend in san diego. i have learned about myself and about what it means to be alive and in this life. i have learned more about family and friendship and about the bonds that hold us together and move us apart than i ever knew was possible. i learned what it means... to love someone so much that the love will endure beyond what we understand. i don't mean romantic love. i mean the love of a family and i mean what happens to the love and the bond when we cannot define it by life. and in some ways i think i mean a romantic love... a romance between a man who is the best father i know and the strongest woman i've ever met who chose to stand beside him. the woman who will continue in his place to be the solid rock and flexible ties that holds a family together in a house with a garden that feels so much like home that i feel lost now that i am not there.
i have not written about this, although it has been going on for quite awhile. i wanted to give privacy to those who needed it and not speak about a future that had not become definite. i still was hoping (and in my heart am still hoping and praying) that the one thing i was most afraid would not come to pass. i write about it now because this is the piece that i can give... my words and my perspective as a salve or an outlet for how much my heart hurts.... unfortunately i am probably the only one who can or will be helped by my words that seem to be unable to express fully what my heart feels like.
my best friend's dad is dying. i don't mean in the abstract way in which this life is not permanent and we are all slowly dying by a series of breaths. i mean in the concrete way in which he will not be living in a set amount of time. i mean that he, for all of his strength and his fight and his power has come up against cancer and it is killing him in small increments. in small enough increments that we still hope that somehow it will turn out differently but big enough increments to rip that hope and your silly human heart to shreds.
it seems that when i think about it logically that it cannot possibly make sense. you would have to know him... but it's not possible. and that cannot possibly be true. it's too awful and it's too big and it's too much and it's not fair.
and i love him. like a father, a mentor and a hero. i love him because of a thousand things but mostly because he is simply him. i love him even more because he gave me my best friend. she has been in my life for 29 years and she is the other half of me. some days it seems she is the better part and the better half.
and some days, like today, my grief seems so big that my heart seems to hurt from growing large enough to hold onto it. the grief is senseless and frightening and beyond what i can manage with human feelings and human words. the grief feels so big that it makes everything else seem pointless in it's wake... like school or grocery shopping or getting new shoes. those small things are all swallowed up into a undefined mess of daily tasks that must happen but seem to hold no joy or interest... but the hardest thing is getting past the feelings of powerlessness and anger at how this could have possibly happened. the even harder part is that she is my best friend and i know how she hurts and i know how i am impotent to help her. i don't know what to say or do... except to say that there is nothing i can do or say and there isn't a way this will be okay.
i will admit that i have been standoffish to my friends and to my boyfriend. i have had a hard time talking about it - my feelings, my fears and what it all means. i know that talking about these things supposedly makes it better but everytime i talk about it i feel like others are overwhelmed with the duty to say it will be okay and it won't. it can't ever be okay... maybe it won't be as bad but it's hard to believe that it will be okay.
and so it is with that knowledge... the knowledge of exactly where we are that i leave you. we are in unchartered territory - on a map of life. and it is just life. and it's terminal. and it works out okay in the end. and it's already tomorrow in australia. and i've been around the world looking for myself (the only woman-girl i know) and i've got to trust that above all things love endures.
and to dawnielle - even though you may start to like karaoke... "what heaven brought you and me cannot be forgotten" - we are family linked together through happiness and tragedy and "you understand why now (we) came this way" and i wouldn't have come any other way. i promise that if you need me i will always come. i'm sorry i cannot do more.
but it's as big as the promise, the promise of a comin' day
so i'm sailin' for tomorrow, my dreams are a dyin'.....
think about how many times i have fallin'
spirits are using me, larger voices callin'...
....
crosby stills and nash - southern cross
i have learned many things from this past weekend in san diego. i have learned about myself and about what it means to be alive and in this life. i have learned more about family and friendship and about the bonds that hold us together and move us apart than i ever knew was possible. i learned what it means... to love someone so much that the love will endure beyond what we understand. i don't mean romantic love. i mean the love of a family and i mean what happens to the love and the bond when we cannot define it by life. and in some ways i think i mean a romantic love... a romance between a man who is the best father i know and the strongest woman i've ever met who chose to stand beside him. the woman who will continue in his place to be the solid rock and flexible ties that holds a family together in a house with a garden that feels so much like home that i feel lost now that i am not there.
i have not written about this, although it has been going on for quite awhile. i wanted to give privacy to those who needed it and not speak about a future that had not become definite. i still was hoping (and in my heart am still hoping and praying) that the one thing i was most afraid would not come to pass. i write about it now because this is the piece that i can give... my words and my perspective as a salve or an outlet for how much my heart hurts.... unfortunately i am probably the only one who can or will be helped by my words that seem to be unable to express fully what my heart feels like.
my best friend's dad is dying. i don't mean in the abstract way in which this life is not permanent and we are all slowly dying by a series of breaths. i mean in the concrete way in which he will not be living in a set amount of time. i mean that he, for all of his strength and his fight and his power has come up against cancer and it is killing him in small increments. in small enough increments that we still hope that somehow it will turn out differently but big enough increments to rip that hope and your silly human heart to shreds.
it seems that when i think about it logically that it cannot possibly make sense. you would have to know him... but it's not possible. and that cannot possibly be true. it's too awful and it's too big and it's too much and it's not fair.
and i love him. like a father, a mentor and a hero. i love him because of a thousand things but mostly because he is simply him. i love him even more because he gave me my best friend. she has been in my life for 29 years and she is the other half of me. some days it seems she is the better part and the better half.
and some days, like today, my grief seems so big that my heart seems to hurt from growing large enough to hold onto it. the grief is senseless and frightening and beyond what i can manage with human feelings and human words. the grief feels so big that it makes everything else seem pointless in it's wake... like school or grocery shopping or getting new shoes. those small things are all swallowed up into a undefined mess of daily tasks that must happen but seem to hold no joy or interest... but the hardest thing is getting past the feelings of powerlessness and anger at how this could have possibly happened. the even harder part is that she is my best friend and i know how she hurts and i know how i am impotent to help her. i don't know what to say or do... except to say that there is nothing i can do or say and there isn't a way this will be okay.
i will admit that i have been standoffish to my friends and to my boyfriend. i have had a hard time talking about it - my feelings, my fears and what it all means. i know that talking about these things supposedly makes it better but everytime i talk about it i feel like others are overwhelmed with the duty to say it will be okay and it won't. it can't ever be okay... maybe it won't be as bad but it's hard to believe that it will be okay.
and so it is with that knowledge... the knowledge of exactly where we are that i leave you. we are in unchartered territory - on a map of life. and it is just life. and it's terminal. and it works out okay in the end. and it's already tomorrow in australia. and i've been around the world looking for myself (the only woman-girl i know) and i've got to trust that above all things love endures.
and to dawnielle - even though you may start to like karaoke... "what heaven brought you and me cannot be forgotten" - we are family linked together through happiness and tragedy and "you understand why now (we) came this way" and i wouldn't have come any other way. i promise that if you need me i will always come. i'm sorry i cannot do more.
26 February 2009
physics is reality
or perhaps it isn't but i realized today that fixing your life... like really fixing it and making it the life you want to live can be solved like a physics problem. it's all about force, motion, gravity, velocity, acceleration, position and the ever important delta.
oh delta. the change in something. your final position minus your initial position is your delta... the actual amount that you have grown, moved, lived, thought or realized. we all need a little delta in our lives.
you can always figure out your relative ratio to the past by using the law of sines or cosines. you can always know what you velocity is, what direction you are headed and you know the force of gravity in your life.
i have to remind myself that things don't always work out in physics problems and in real life. more importantly sometimes it's not even about getting the right answer... it's about what you learn while you're busy getting shit all wrong. sometimes we get answers that surprise us, sometimes there is more than one answer, and most of all it's important to remember that it's okay to define the positive direction of your own personal coordinate system.
most importantly it's okay to look at a problem and know when you're done with the "physics" part and the rest of the answer is just the math that goes along with it... i should apply that more frequently in my own life... why am i continuing to pursue the solution to a finite end when at some point i can step back and know that i've achieved the growth and understanding that the problem was meant to teach me.
what am i here for anyway? to be right or to understand myself, grow in every way and to be the best version of myself that i can be? most days the answer is the latter.... some days i still fail and go for being right... luckily i know how to learn from those days.
luckily i know how big my personal delta is these days, i know what is the positive direction for myself, i know how to define the magnitude of vectors and i am ever respectful of gravity and i'm increasingly wary of trying to just "get to the right answer".... even i'm a little proud.
oh delta. the change in something. your final position minus your initial position is your delta... the actual amount that you have grown, moved, lived, thought or realized. we all need a little delta in our lives.
you can always figure out your relative ratio to the past by using the law of sines or cosines. you can always know what you velocity is, what direction you are headed and you know the force of gravity in your life.
i have to remind myself that things don't always work out in physics problems and in real life. more importantly sometimes it's not even about getting the right answer... it's about what you learn while you're busy getting shit all wrong. sometimes we get answers that surprise us, sometimes there is more than one answer, and most of all it's important to remember that it's okay to define the positive direction of your own personal coordinate system.
most importantly it's okay to look at a problem and know when you're done with the "physics" part and the rest of the answer is just the math that goes along with it... i should apply that more frequently in my own life... why am i continuing to pursue the solution to a finite end when at some point i can step back and know that i've achieved the growth and understanding that the problem was meant to teach me.
what am i here for anyway? to be right or to understand myself, grow in every way and to be the best version of myself that i can be? most days the answer is the latter.... some days i still fail and go for being right... luckily i know how to learn from those days.
luckily i know how big my personal delta is these days, i know what is the positive direction for myself, i know how to define the magnitude of vectors and i am ever respectful of gravity and i'm increasingly wary of trying to just "get to the right answer".... even i'm a little proud.
09 February 2009
willing... in the morning...
this morning as i woke, a little earlier than i wanted, a little stiffer than i wanted, a little not sure about monday... for no reason. it's just morning and sometimes i don't love it.
this song is the theme... but you might not "get it" until the end of the blog... and for some of you not even then... just kidding dave...
linda ronstadt - willing
so i help a certain someone put on her new cupcake tights for school - fucking cupcake tights... seriously it's sooo cute... who wouldn't love wearing cupcake tights to school? i mean everyone should maybe wear a pair of cupcake tights just to feel a little pretty and fancy...
anyway so i come downstairs and think about going back to bed after she is safely at school and then i see the best thing that has happened to me in forever... my coffee is already made!!!!! i finally got one of those coffee makers that has a timer and it's the best $20 i ever spent... i cannot stress enough how great it makes your morning to just have that one thing done... to just pour your coffee instead of sleep walking around the kitchen and then impatiently waiting for it to brew just thinking the whole time about how much it sucks to be awake and how if you didn't have to make your stupid coffee you would be 2 things: 1. not addicted to caffeine and 2. still in bed.
so as i'm sitting down with my first cup o coffee for the day i see the following in an email from cody...
you can find the full text here: http://hearingvoices.com/news/2009/02/more-travel-tips/
which just makes me laugh and laugh...
then i remember about the eels... and i remember this thought... this line from another blog (also pointed out by cody) and how it just made me think for awhile...
""i was thinkin' bout how everyone is dying, and maybe it's time to live" in "p.s. you rock my world"). it's a stunning conclusion to this intensely personal, unforgettably emotional story"
you can find the full text here: http://sand-is-overrated.blogspot.com/2008/02/you-think-i-got-it-all-going-my-way.html
ps. the tag line on that blog is: sand is overrated. it's just tiny little rocks. which is hilarious in itself.
and then i get to sit with my third cup of coffee and think about the fact that it's not the dying part that's important.. it's the living. it's the things you do between the being born and the dying that changes absolutely everything. it's what you do and how you do it. sometimes it's not the good things that define you, sometimes it's not the bad things that define you either. sometimes you have to define yourself by how you accept and love yourself despite the good things and the bad things. i'm going to be 33. i'm not proud or happy about everything i've done... i'm not sad or disappointed in everything i've done. lately the list of pros and cons is equal. i've accepted that others have lists of pros and cons that look similar. people are not a snapshot of one moment. they are a sum total of all the parts.
i don't know what that means really... no matter how long i stare at the screen and think about it... it's hard to really grasp. it's really hard to not let myself use the old phrases and definitions... to judge myself with startling harshness just to feel the sting and know that no matter what anyone else says about me that i've already been harder on myself than they could ever be. it's hard to say something nice to myself and feel okay with it. perhaps though it's somewhere in between the two.
perhaps i can allow those things to fade into the background and only make a judgement about today and right now... perhaps in this moment between being born, reborn, giving birth and whatever dying means i can just let this moment be the moment. let it just be right now... and just go my own way. perhaps in this moment i can accept that this life and my path are only my own. this is my collection of things - smoothed well worn happy memories and jagged sharp painful memories.... it's all mine and if i spend all my time in the past i'm not making any new memories. i'm wasting this moment... and my hope is that i'm adding things to the good memory list... like buying cupcake tights to make a little girl happy with the way she looks today and always being able to look back and see her happy face, having a good conversation last night with a dave who got to eat free tacos and remembering that friendship is solidified and cemented through lots of things... even if i am an international fugitive now, like reading cody's email and remembering the summer that held vanilla sky. these things are my landscape this morning. the rest of it... well it's in the trash bin with my old coffee maker that makes you actually push a button to make coffee.
sometimes you have to still be willing... regardless of what that means... and i'm choosing to be willing to live the life i want. i'd rather be in the business of realizing the happiness with each day is set on "auto" and is waiting for me each morning. i don't even have to do anything... i can just wake and enjoy. which sounds awful chipper doesn't it? ...it must be the pre-made coffee...
this song is the theme... but you might not "get it" until the end of the blog... and for some of you not even then... just kidding dave...
linda ronstadt - willing
so i help a certain someone put on her new cupcake tights for school - fucking cupcake tights... seriously it's sooo cute... who wouldn't love wearing cupcake tights to school? i mean everyone should maybe wear a pair of cupcake tights just to feel a little pretty and fancy...
anyway so i come downstairs and think about going back to bed after she is safely at school and then i see the best thing that has happened to me in forever... my coffee is already made!!!!! i finally got one of those coffee makers that has a timer and it's the best $20 i ever spent... i cannot stress enough how great it makes your morning to just have that one thing done... to just pour your coffee instead of sleep walking around the kitchen and then impatiently waiting for it to brew just thinking the whole time about how much it sucks to be awake and how if you didn't have to make your stupid coffee you would be 2 things: 1. not addicted to caffeine and 2. still in bed.
so as i'm sitting down with my first cup o coffee for the day i see the following in an email from cody...
HearVox News Audio, art, & cultcha blog
By JW 2009.02.08 tags: travel, travel tips.
Travel Tips
Contributions to a growing list:
#136 Sandals are not the best thing to wear for hiking through a tropical forest to grassy, steep ocean cliffs after two days of heavy rain—no matter how much they look like ones Jesus would have worn.
#34 Those most interested in history are those about to become it. Try to take an interest no matter your age.
#156 If you hear “The Gambler” playing, run. Run away. Something is horribly wrong, will be, or ought to be.
you can find the full text here: http://hearingvoices.com/news/2009/02/more-travel-tips/
which just makes me laugh and laugh...
then i remember about the eels... and i remember this thought... this line from another blog (also pointed out by cody) and how it just made me think for awhile...
""i was thinkin' bout how everyone is dying, and maybe it's time to live" in "p.s. you rock my world"). it's a stunning conclusion to this intensely personal, unforgettably emotional story"
you can find the full text here: http://sand-is-overrated.blogspot.com/2008/02/you-think-i-got-it-all-going-my-way.html
ps. the tag line on that blog is: sand is overrated. it's just tiny little rocks. which is hilarious in itself.
and then i get to sit with my third cup of coffee and think about the fact that it's not the dying part that's important.. it's the living. it's the things you do between the being born and the dying that changes absolutely everything. it's what you do and how you do it. sometimes it's not the good things that define you, sometimes it's not the bad things that define you either. sometimes you have to define yourself by how you accept and love yourself despite the good things and the bad things. i'm going to be 33. i'm not proud or happy about everything i've done... i'm not sad or disappointed in everything i've done. lately the list of pros and cons is equal. i've accepted that others have lists of pros and cons that look similar. people are not a snapshot of one moment. they are a sum total of all the parts.
i don't know what that means really... no matter how long i stare at the screen and think about it... it's hard to really grasp. it's really hard to not let myself use the old phrases and definitions... to judge myself with startling harshness just to feel the sting and know that no matter what anyone else says about me that i've already been harder on myself than they could ever be. it's hard to say something nice to myself and feel okay with it. perhaps though it's somewhere in between the two.
perhaps i can allow those things to fade into the background and only make a judgement about today and right now... perhaps in this moment between being born, reborn, giving birth and whatever dying means i can just let this moment be the moment. let it just be right now... and just go my own way. perhaps in this moment i can accept that this life and my path are only my own. this is my collection of things - smoothed well worn happy memories and jagged sharp painful memories.... it's all mine and if i spend all my time in the past i'm not making any new memories. i'm wasting this moment... and my hope is that i'm adding things to the good memory list... like buying cupcake tights to make a little girl happy with the way she looks today and always being able to look back and see her happy face, having a good conversation last night with a dave who got to eat free tacos and remembering that friendship is solidified and cemented through lots of things... even if i am an international fugitive now, like reading cody's email and remembering the summer that held vanilla sky. these things are my landscape this morning. the rest of it... well it's in the trash bin with my old coffee maker that makes you actually push a button to make coffee.
sometimes you have to still be willing... regardless of what that means... and i'm choosing to be willing to live the life i want. i'd rather be in the business of realizing the happiness with each day is set on "auto" and is waiting for me each morning. i don't even have to do anything... i can just wake and enjoy. which sounds awful chipper doesn't it? ...it must be the pre-made coffee...
13 November 2008
entropy, alligators and aimee mann
i sit tonight quietly trying to do my homework for my communications class and you keep floating to the front of my head. today was the first day that i thought of you and anger didn't well up behind that thought. today was the first day in which i wondered how long it would be until we could move back into some sort of easy flowing communication. it was so coincidental that you called... i know you... that you want to make the effort but don't want to pressure me. i wish it was just that easy. i wish after all this time that we could just move backwards and forget what transpired.
go here and listen to this: the scientist - aimee mann
perhaps one day you will understand just what it is that happened. perhaps one day we can meet somewhere and get a cup of coffee and go for a walk and just talk.... just you and i. perhaps one day we can really meet each other. perhaps we won't need anyone else to tell either one of us what to think or say or worry about. perhaps you will one day be willing to forgive what i am judged to be... it's so strange to me that you who has been judged and made mistakes and understands redemption would not understand that i am worth the same things.
perhaps it is good... and as much as it kills me because i want to deny it... but the truth is that good things have come of it. there has been fruit in it because i have gotten the chance to explore other things within myself and stand alone without the crutch that you offered. i have gotten the opportunity to reexplore a part of my old life and in ways make old things right. it's the strangest thing about loss and growth of life... one thing dies and in it's place something beautiful grows and thrives in that strange awkward space. the space that i thought was his that no one would ever fill, you grew out of so quickly and made bigger... in ways i didn't know i was ready for... that space has growth of new seeds - of what i've been sowing lately with my best foot forward.
it doesn't mean that you didn't break my heart. but i suppose that a broken heart can only really hurt in that incapacitating way for a finite amount of time before it ceases to matter. when the mattering becomes anti-matter and things cease to really have any universal perspective... perhaps even feelings and memories tend to move in forward reaction towards entropy.
regardless, i don't wallow well..... and in some ways i'm sorry about that. today as i stopped being angry i stopped wallowing and feeling sorry for myself. today i began to honor the promise i made to send you on your way in peace. i do understand. i have regret and as a result i wish things were different but you know what they say - about hands and wishes.
so farewell, don't get eaten by an alligator, give the boys my love and try your best to become the best version of yourself.... i'll be here being the best version of myself and we'll just have to agree to disagree about the rest.
go here and listen to this: the scientist - aimee mann
perhaps one day you will understand just what it is that happened. perhaps one day we can meet somewhere and get a cup of coffee and go for a walk and just talk.... just you and i. perhaps one day we can really meet each other. perhaps we won't need anyone else to tell either one of us what to think or say or worry about. perhaps you will one day be willing to forgive what i am judged to be... it's so strange to me that you who has been judged and made mistakes and understands redemption would not understand that i am worth the same things.
perhaps it is good... and as much as it kills me because i want to deny it... but the truth is that good things have come of it. there has been fruit in it because i have gotten the chance to explore other things within myself and stand alone without the crutch that you offered. i have gotten the opportunity to reexplore a part of my old life and in ways make old things right. it's the strangest thing about loss and growth of life... one thing dies and in it's place something beautiful grows and thrives in that strange awkward space. the space that i thought was his that no one would ever fill, you grew out of so quickly and made bigger... in ways i didn't know i was ready for... that space has growth of new seeds - of what i've been sowing lately with my best foot forward.
it doesn't mean that you didn't break my heart. but i suppose that a broken heart can only really hurt in that incapacitating way for a finite amount of time before it ceases to matter. when the mattering becomes anti-matter and things cease to really have any universal perspective... perhaps even feelings and memories tend to move in forward reaction towards entropy.
regardless, i don't wallow well..... and in some ways i'm sorry about that. today as i stopped being angry i stopped wallowing and feeling sorry for myself. today i began to honor the promise i made to send you on your way in peace. i do understand. i have regret and as a result i wish things were different but you know what they say - about hands and wishes.
so farewell, don't get eaten by an alligator, give the boys my love and try your best to become the best version of yourself.... i'll be here being the best version of myself and we'll just have to agree to disagree about the rest.
28 September 2008
alligators and coldplay
have you ever given up? what did it feel like? what did it look like? were you listening to this song as you did it? Coldplay - Viva la Vida
did you sit on the porch and spill your heart and it's contents before your roommate and God in an attempt to fight the good fight and grasp aloud what was right behind your eyes and wandering aimlessly in your heart. did you find the moment that you came to great clarity with thunderous understanding and perfection that the person that you believed was fighting right along side of you was actually an adversary?
did you hear your roommate say "i know how to call an alligator back" just as the frustration level reached it's peak and you were pretending to make the hissing noise that alligators make to say that they are all set?
did you know at that moment why alligators eat people? i do.
i give up today. not in a poor me way. not in a i can't do this way. i give up because i deserve better. i deserve to know that when i roll the dice and go all in that what i'm gambling on is more than an alligator's temperment or fake plastic chips. i want to know that when i look back on this moment it's not that i chose my path based on maybes... i chose it because it is my Spiritual north and i know in every piece of my being that there simply is no other choice. i want to know that when i get through with the good fight and i've bared my soul to those that stand still and listen long enough to hear it that any scars or cuts that are visible are ones that were not self inflicted and weren't inflicted by an enemy... that those are the scars and cuts that i had to get as a matter of course to get here.
did you know you always get what you ask for... we always get what we ask for no matter what. at that moment... after everything had transpired did you suddenly feel free and completely comfortable in your own skin for the first time in years. maybe you don't have to go anywhere to get to home... maybe home is in your heart and you get there by coming back to yourself with such force that you are ready to stand alone to defend it.
either way... tonight as i listen to coldplay and think about myself i know that this is the perfect place in the perfect moment with everything right where it should be and i find comfort in it... i find satisfaction and happiness.... and that feels like i'm winning the fight.... the good one.
did you sit on the porch and spill your heart and it's contents before your roommate and God in an attempt to fight the good fight and grasp aloud what was right behind your eyes and wandering aimlessly in your heart. did you find the moment that you came to great clarity with thunderous understanding and perfection that the person that you believed was fighting right along side of you was actually an adversary?
did you hear your roommate say "i know how to call an alligator back" just as the frustration level reached it's peak and you were pretending to make the hissing noise that alligators make to say that they are all set?
did you know at that moment why alligators eat people? i do.
i give up today. not in a poor me way. not in a i can't do this way. i give up because i deserve better. i deserve to know that when i roll the dice and go all in that what i'm gambling on is more than an alligator's temperment or fake plastic chips. i want to know that when i look back on this moment it's not that i chose my path based on maybes... i chose it because it is my Spiritual north and i know in every piece of my being that there simply is no other choice. i want to know that when i get through with the good fight and i've bared my soul to those that stand still and listen long enough to hear it that any scars or cuts that are visible are ones that were not self inflicted and weren't inflicted by an enemy... that those are the scars and cuts that i had to get as a matter of course to get here.
did you know you always get what you ask for... we always get what we ask for no matter what. at that moment... after everything had transpired did you suddenly feel free and completely comfortable in your own skin for the first time in years. maybe you don't have to go anywhere to get to home... maybe home is in your heart and you get there by coming back to yourself with such force that you are ready to stand alone to defend it.
either way... tonight as i listen to coldplay and think about myself i know that this is the perfect place in the perfect moment with everything right where it should be and i find comfort in it... i find satisfaction and happiness.... and that feels like i'm winning the fight.... the good one.
22 September 2008
the physics of meaning
the physics of meaning it's a band with a great song called aeroplanes and hurricanes... not my favorite like These United States over and over again but it's metaphorical and you know i'm a girl that likes the comfort of things being metaphorical and literal all at the same time. it gives me a strange contented feeling like running my tongue over the same spot on my cheek that i accidentally bit into. to understand that things are working on every plane and every platform and every level. when i find things come together in the perfect symbiosis that is a healthy life experiment i am always elated. excited like i feel when i have deja vu and when i finally see clearly what was right in front of me the whole time.
so anyway, the physics of meaning. what things mean and what is said and implied and how things are interpreted and what expectations are built and how fragile they all are when piled end to end in a tower like form. what that means and how gravity, motion, kinetic and potential energy all apply to tower building and misunderstandings that happen by default because we are imperfect and flawed beings. like building a tower to babel those things - the communications that are missed and the laws of the universe that we have created between us - eventually those come clanging down because the language is no longer understood amongst all the communicators.
i'm not sure how to avoid these things. i try time and time again to communicate just as clearly and honestly as i can but i find more often than not that either i fail or i seem to have misplaced my stupid decoder ring. i wish that i could somehow... just somehow see how delicate things are... when the message i'm getting is that they are perfectly stable. perhaps i'm just one of those people who is too direct, too straight forward or too logical. i, horror of all horrors, take things literally when people tell me what they want, think or feel. i like to overthink and be impulsive and i've found that it just doesn't work because i'm not a mind reader and truth be known i'm just not that smart. so i've worked hard to let people be what they are, accept what they are giving, wait until the message changes before i jump to conclusions. i thought that was all good stuff... being redemptive or neutral instead of reactive. however... every once in a while i realize about 10 hours too late that i've missed the secret message written in invisible ink and i am left with the pieces of the tower that i didn't even build.
so from now on... if you're looking for a place to dump your expectations, judgment, secret messages, implications and unspoken ideas... you need to do it on your side of the street. those things aren't mine. and it hurts my feelings to know that even when you promise that we're on the same page and i trust you that it could change at a moment's notice. i'm simply not ready for those if, ands, or buts. we have built something so strong and wonderful. i'm surprised that it could be blown over by something that seemed to be so within our realm of what we could together deal with. that uncertainty and that doubt and fear is not about being... that's about doing and i'm definitely not allowed to do that.
also want to say on a dorky side note that today i finally understood arrhenius equation and can solve for the variables and even use the integrated equation. i was proud and kinda nervous.... sometimes success is as scary as failure. i did find it coincidental that the things in the equation seem to apply to my personal situation today. if you'll indulge me (which you will because it's my blog) i'll show you what i found kind of amazing...
the equation is as follows:
k = Ae ^Ea/Rt
where k is the rate constant
A is the frequency factor
Ea is the activation energy
R is a given constant (8.314 J/mol)
and t is the temperature.
so.... now you apply it to life
k is the rate at which interactions take place
A is the frequency at which they successfully occur
Ea is the effort required to make the interaction positive and fruitful
R is the constant or the basis - your personal values, morals and ideals that offer common ground
t is still the temperature but we can use the scale of "cold" to "hot" for "dislike" to "love"
i promise if you start plugging in numbers from your personal life you will find that it works.... because chemistry is not subjective and it is not about decoder rings. it is all about clean science that is logical and perfect and if i could i would only live in that world... because well.... it makes so much sense.
so anyway, the physics of meaning. what things mean and what is said and implied and how things are interpreted and what expectations are built and how fragile they all are when piled end to end in a tower like form. what that means and how gravity, motion, kinetic and potential energy all apply to tower building and misunderstandings that happen by default because we are imperfect and flawed beings. like building a tower to babel those things - the communications that are missed and the laws of the universe that we have created between us - eventually those come clanging down because the language is no longer understood amongst all the communicators.
i'm not sure how to avoid these things. i try time and time again to communicate just as clearly and honestly as i can but i find more often than not that either i fail or i seem to have misplaced my stupid decoder ring. i wish that i could somehow... just somehow see how delicate things are... when the message i'm getting is that they are perfectly stable. perhaps i'm just one of those people who is too direct, too straight forward or too logical. i, horror of all horrors, take things literally when people tell me what they want, think or feel. i like to overthink and be impulsive and i've found that it just doesn't work because i'm not a mind reader and truth be known i'm just not that smart. so i've worked hard to let people be what they are, accept what they are giving, wait until the message changes before i jump to conclusions. i thought that was all good stuff... being redemptive or neutral instead of reactive. however... every once in a while i realize about 10 hours too late that i've missed the secret message written in invisible ink and i am left with the pieces of the tower that i didn't even build.
so from now on... if you're looking for a place to dump your expectations, judgment, secret messages, implications and unspoken ideas... you need to do it on your side of the street. those things aren't mine. and it hurts my feelings to know that even when you promise that we're on the same page and i trust you that it could change at a moment's notice. i'm simply not ready for those if, ands, or buts. we have built something so strong and wonderful. i'm surprised that it could be blown over by something that seemed to be so within our realm of what we could together deal with. that uncertainty and that doubt and fear is not about being... that's about doing and i'm definitely not allowed to do that.
also want to say on a dorky side note that today i finally understood arrhenius equation and can solve for the variables and even use the integrated equation. i was proud and kinda nervous.... sometimes success is as scary as failure. i did find it coincidental that the things in the equation seem to apply to my personal situation today. if you'll indulge me (which you will because it's my blog) i'll show you what i found kind of amazing...
the equation is as follows:
k = Ae ^Ea/Rt
where k is the rate constant
A is the frequency factor
Ea is the activation energy
R is a given constant (8.314 J/mol)
and t is the temperature.
so.... now you apply it to life
k is the rate at which interactions take place
A is the frequency at which they successfully occur
Ea is the effort required to make the interaction positive and fruitful
R is the constant or the basis - your personal values, morals and ideals that offer common ground
t is still the temperature but we can use the scale of "cold" to "hot" for "dislike" to "love"
i promise if you start plugging in numbers from your personal life you will find that it works.... because chemistry is not subjective and it is not about decoder rings. it is all about clean science that is logical and perfect and if i could i would only live in that world... because well.... it makes so much sense.
20 May 2008
the chorus of the universe
i was going to write a lot of things tonight.... but i am reminded as i sit down to this very public venue that not everyone likes their life to be read on the web. not everyone likes to throw their emotional guts out there and have others feast on the sweet meats like some internet hannibal lecter enjoying the salty and rawness of fresh destruction and death. so out of respect for the more squeamish i will abide to my first rule and only divulge here what is mine to divulge. i may be a cannibal and a voyeur but i'm not an asshole...
instead of the original post i wrote another post... long and poignant and deeply personal and then realized again that it violates the rules of opening up others to the public living that a daily blog can create... so i had to censure myself again.
in the place of those two things i can only give you this brief something..... something about making mistakes and having the opportunity to be forgiven, something about finding out once and for all what a person you love really (i mean no holding back REALLY) thinks about you, something about deserving that accurate and pointed judgment, something about giving up and then deciding i'd rather give in, something about being flawed and imperfect and finding out that it hasn't changed, something about how if jameson can't fix this cluster fuck i've created we're all in serious trouble, something about anxiety and the restlessness that comes from being on the cusp of failure and success all at once and lastly i was going to write something about the beauty and dichotomy of stark contrasts.
that last subject matter is the only thing i can manage for right now because the rest of it is a rat's nest of stupid emotional rawness that i still haven't had a chance to figure out... do i cut the blue or the red wire? will this shit blow up no matter what i do? this is officially the scariest environment imaginable... but that is not the point.
here my dear friends is the point.....
as my plane glides over clouds, not the puffy ones but the ones that are stretched out and thin as gauze over the landscape, i see beneath me a mountain range. i identified in the landscape the beauty of contrasts - the elusive wonderment in only seeing one thing because you've seen another - light for dark, life for death, love for hate, smooth for rough and internal fulfillment because you've been through the void. i have seen and felt all of those things, sometimes it's all the good ones, or all the bad ones, or in the good moments they come in paced intervals one after another in waves that i can breathe through. stark contrasts illuminate what we want to see and what we like about the picture of ourselves and others. i myself have seen the dark overwhelm me and the light fill me in the space of 2 long days, been loved and honoured and cherished and then discarded in the space of 24 hours and have felt the smooth feeling of flying and then the rough realization that flight is no longer even an option. now i suppose it's up to me to find that ever escaping and twirling and curling mythical beast called fulfillment because if we're all being honest and i don't know why we wouldn't be here... i've seen the void and i'm frustrated and sick to death of it.
funny how different things can come together to say exactly what it is that you've been searching the dictionary of the universe for the chorus to...
instead of the original post i wrote another post... long and poignant and deeply personal and then realized again that it violates the rules of opening up others to the public living that a daily blog can create... so i had to censure myself again.
in the place of those two things i can only give you this brief something..... something about making mistakes and having the opportunity to be forgiven, something about finding out once and for all what a person you love really (i mean no holding back REALLY) thinks about you, something about deserving that accurate and pointed judgment, something about giving up and then deciding i'd rather give in, something about being flawed and imperfect and finding out that it hasn't changed, something about how if jameson can't fix this cluster fuck i've created we're all in serious trouble, something about anxiety and the restlessness that comes from being on the cusp of failure and success all at once and lastly i was going to write something about the beauty and dichotomy of stark contrasts.
that last subject matter is the only thing i can manage for right now because the rest of it is a rat's nest of stupid emotional rawness that i still haven't had a chance to figure out... do i cut the blue or the red wire? will this shit blow up no matter what i do? this is officially the scariest environment imaginable... but that is not the point.
here my dear friends is the point.....
as my plane glides over clouds, not the puffy ones but the ones that are stretched out and thin as gauze over the landscape, i see beneath me a mountain range. i identified in the landscape the beauty of contrasts - the elusive wonderment in only seeing one thing because you've seen another - light for dark, life for death, love for hate, smooth for rough and internal fulfillment because you've been through the void. i have seen and felt all of those things, sometimes it's all the good ones, or all the bad ones, or in the good moments they come in paced intervals one after another in waves that i can breathe through. stark contrasts illuminate what we want to see and what we like about the picture of ourselves and others. i myself have seen the dark overwhelm me and the light fill me in the space of 2 long days, been loved and honoured and cherished and then discarded in the space of 24 hours and have felt the smooth feeling of flying and then the rough realization that flight is no longer even an option. now i suppose it's up to me to find that ever escaping and twirling and curling mythical beast called fulfillment because if we're all being honest and i don't know why we wouldn't be here... i've seen the void and i'm frustrated and sick to death of it.
funny how different things can come together to say exactly what it is that you've been searching the dictionary of the universe for the chorus to...
25 January 2008
little known facts
some little known facts about me:
i love the smell of morning and flowing streams and rain and irish spring soap...
i really love jameson, reading emerson, naps, the sound of the ocean and taking pictures of trees
i daydream of falling in love with a man that can live with me a cabin in the woods, sings to me in the morning and at night, will make me banana pancakes for breakfast and is willing to be honest with himself and others and live with integrity... everything else we'll work out.
i watch movies that are period pieces or historically based... i love great costumes and the feeling of being carried away... i also love foreign films and subtitles and quirky indie films
i don't like french toast or gin or any kind of carnation (even the milk)
i hate feeling frustrated or misunderstood and the idea and practice of karaoke
i write everyday here on my blog, in my personal journal, poetry and in what we're currently referring to as the novella of sorts
i never know what is going to come of those writing sessions and i never plan them ahead of time... i start by finding the playlist and then write how i feel based on what i wanted to listen to.
i find that my life revolves around music more than i ever knew... i have a soundtrack to most things in my life.
sometimes in my life i think about missed opportunities and the things that i didn't give enough time or effort to. i wonder if i had been different in the moment or ready for different things if my life would be different or if i would have gotten here regardless of the path that i took. sometimes i ache for the days back when i was just a child and everything was unwritten and unstarted and unknown. sometimes i long for these moments to be over so i can just be past them.
i worry (sometimes daily) that i am supposed to be doing more, feeling more, committing more, growing, learning, changing and experiencing more. sometimes i feel stagnant in the middle of change like a person feels in the eye of the storm... sometimes even with my life in upheaval things are so quiet and calm at the center of me. i wish that i needed less change and adventure. i wish that i would be content with a small life that involved less time on the battle ground.
i have become weary in the past few days of being on the forefront and wish that i could apply for furlough although i know there is no rest and there is no leaving the front lines. i hope for a person that can accept all the things that i have come to understand and own the battle with me. there are days when i wonder how i'll ever explain to someone how i got here and what the purpose is for continuing. more and more i've become afraid that there will never be another night's sleep without worrying about the things i've come to know and there will never be another moment of sanctuary or peace that i don't have to fight tooth and nail for. i find that in this particular time of beginning to understand and finally open my eyes that i hold certain people even closer to my heart... they have become an indelible part of my past, present and future. i could never release that bond because without the role model of living in love i think i would forget easily... or give up when the fatigue and the frustration at the state of the world became too much. they are my reminders and my talismans that true north exists, that there is a standard of gold and of love, that sometimes there are people in your life you are simply meant to love and lastly that all the answers are here if we are just quiet enough long enough to hear what our hearts are telling us.
tonight my heart is telling me to make tea, put my feet up and relax.... i don't have to do everything right now... just breathe and relax. and since my heart has had years of practice listening to that very sound advice i'm going to take it once again... while doing that i'm going to reflect on this:
"If we look wider, things are all alike; laws and letters and creeds and modes of living seem a travesty of truth. Our society is encumbered by ponderous machinery, which resembles the endless aqueducts which the Romans built over hill and dale and which are superseded by the discovery of the law that water rises to the level of its source. It is a Chinese wall which any nimble Tartar can leap over. It is a standing army, not so good as a peace. It is a graduated, titled, richly appointed empire, quite superfluous when town-meetings are found to answer just as well.
Let us draw a lesson from nature, which always works by short ways. When the fruit is ripe, it falls. When the fruit is despatched, the leaf falls. The circuit of the waters is mere falling. The walking of man and all animals is a falling forward. All our manual labor and works of strength, as prying, splitting, digging, rowing and so forth, are done by dint of continual falling, and the globe, earth, moon, comet, sun, star, fall for ever and ever.
The simplicity of the universe is very different from the simplicity of a machine. He who sees moral nature out and out and thoroughly knows how knowledge is acquired and character formed, is a pedant. The simplicity of nature is not that which may easily be read, but is inexhaustible. The last analysis can no wise be made. We judge of a man's wisdom by his hope, knowing that the perception of the inexhaustibleness of nature is an immortal youth. The wild fertility of nature is felt in comparing our rigid names and reputations with our fluid consciousness. We pass in the world for sects and schools, for erudition and piety, and we are all the time jejune babes. One sees very well how Pyrrhonism grew up. Every man sees that he is that middle point whereof every thing may be affirmed and denied with equal reason. He is old, he is young, he is very wise, he is altogether ignorant. He hears and feels what you say of the seraphim, and of the tin-peddler. There is no permanent wise man except in the figment of the Stoics. We side with the hero, as we read or paint, against the coward and the robber; but we have been ourselves that coward and robber, and shall be again,--not in the low circumstance, but in comparison with the grandeurs possible to the soul." Emerson
21 January 2008
you must listen and love this song / video. i'm in love with hayden. not my friend hayden... although she is delightful but this guy and his band / music. "this is the last time out for me, i don't want to wait and see..."
Hayden - Home by Saturday Video that you'll have to click through and see because I cannot get the stupid code to stop automatically playing.... grrrrrrrrrr... but it's great enough you should take the time to click through. really. i promise.
on the front of what is going on with me... because i assume that is why we are all here... well.. things with me are good. good as they can be considering that i'm still transitioning, learning, growing, changing, evolving my processes and ideas... sometimes change is good and sometimes it is temporarily uncomfortable. the idea of change being temporarily uncomfortable is something i've been thinking about a lot lately. how do i become better at it? how do i become better at accepting when and why things have to change? how do i stop outsourcing my discomforts and discontented feelings and begin owning their root and their solutions in a very real and honest way? how do these things make me a better and stronger person?
these questions and answers could keep us all night talking on the phone over a crackled connection that brings your voice closer and then softly distant. i could ask over and over again what it is that i'm gaining and losing however i think the real truth is that i'm gaining a part of myself i didn't know i was looking for and i'm losing the part of me that i have disliked for many years - the dependent part that was afraid to go it alone emotionally. i can pack a bag and leave for a week long trip on another continent more easily than i can ponder my life and find what comes next. prior to these recent developments i felt like i was meandering on my journey stumbling upon truths and difficulties and then feeling selfishly as if those things just happened. starting very recently i have decided to find a different way... i've begun to plot points between me and my goals and hold myself accountable for progress towards those points and goals. it's somewhat scary and it is a change... which is how this whole post started... with good music and change.
while you're puzzling out how i just talked myself in a huge circle i'll be reading emerson:
"Dream delivers us to dream, and there is no end to illusion. Life is a train of moods like a string of beads, and as we pass through them they prove to be many-colored lenses which paint the world their own hue, and each shows only what lies in its focus. From the mountain you see the mountain. We animate what we can, and we see only what we animate. Nature and books belong to the eyes that see them. It depends on the mood of the man whether he shall see the sunset or the fine poem. There are always sunsets, and there is always genius; but only a few hours so serene that we can relish nature or criticism. The more or less depends on structure or temperament. Temperament is the iron wire on which the beads are strung. Of what use is fortune or talent to a cold and defective nature? Who cares what sensibility or discrimination a man has at some time shown, if he falls asleep in his chair? or if he laugh and giggle? or if he apologize? or is infected with egotism? or thinks of his dollar? or cannot go by food? or has gotten a child in his boyhood? Of what use is genius, if the organ is too convex or too concave and cannot find a focal distance within the actual horizon of human life? Of what use, if the brain is too cold or too hot, and the man does not care enough for results to stimulate him to experiment, and hold him up in it? or if the web is too finely woven, too irritable by pleasure and pain, so that life stagnates from too much reception without due outlet? Of what use to make heroic vows of amendment, if the same old law-breaker is to keep them? What cheer can the religious sentiment yield, when that is suspected to be secretly dependent on the seasons of the year and the state of the blood? I knew a witty physician who found the creed in the biliary duct, and used to affirm that if there was disease in the liver, the man became a Calvinist, and if that organ was sound, he became a Unitarian. Very mortifying is the reluctant experience that some unfriendly excess or imbecility neutralizes the promise of genius. We see young men who owe us a new world, so readily and lavishly they promise, but they never acquit the debt; they die young and dodge the account; or if they live they lose themselves in the crowd."
Hayden - Home by Saturday Video that you'll have to click through and see because I cannot get the stupid code to stop automatically playing.... grrrrrrrrrr... but it's great enough you should take the time to click through. really. i promise.
on the front of what is going on with me... because i assume that is why we are all here... well.. things with me are good. good as they can be considering that i'm still transitioning, learning, growing, changing, evolving my processes and ideas... sometimes change is good and sometimes it is temporarily uncomfortable. the idea of change being temporarily uncomfortable is something i've been thinking about a lot lately. how do i become better at it? how do i become better at accepting when and why things have to change? how do i stop outsourcing my discomforts and discontented feelings and begin owning their root and their solutions in a very real and honest way? how do these things make me a better and stronger person?
these questions and answers could keep us all night talking on the phone over a crackled connection that brings your voice closer and then softly distant. i could ask over and over again what it is that i'm gaining and losing however i think the real truth is that i'm gaining a part of myself i didn't know i was looking for and i'm losing the part of me that i have disliked for many years - the dependent part that was afraid to go it alone emotionally. i can pack a bag and leave for a week long trip on another continent more easily than i can ponder my life and find what comes next. prior to these recent developments i felt like i was meandering on my journey stumbling upon truths and difficulties and then feeling selfishly as if those things just happened. starting very recently i have decided to find a different way... i've begun to plot points between me and my goals and hold myself accountable for progress towards those points and goals. it's somewhat scary and it is a change... which is how this whole post started... with good music and change.
while you're puzzling out how i just talked myself in a huge circle i'll be reading emerson:
"Dream delivers us to dream, and there is no end to illusion. Life is a train of moods like a string of beads, and as we pass through them they prove to be many-colored lenses which paint the world their own hue, and each shows only what lies in its focus. From the mountain you see the mountain. We animate what we can, and we see only what we animate. Nature and books belong to the eyes that see them. It depends on the mood of the man whether he shall see the sunset or the fine poem. There are always sunsets, and there is always genius; but only a few hours so serene that we can relish nature or criticism. The more or less depends on structure or temperament. Temperament is the iron wire on which the beads are strung. Of what use is fortune or talent to a cold and defective nature? Who cares what sensibility or discrimination a man has at some time shown, if he falls asleep in his chair? or if he laugh and giggle? or if he apologize? or is infected with egotism? or thinks of his dollar? or cannot go by food? or has gotten a child in his boyhood? Of what use is genius, if the organ is too convex or too concave and cannot find a focal distance within the actual horizon of human life? Of what use, if the brain is too cold or too hot, and the man does not care enough for results to stimulate him to experiment, and hold him up in it? or if the web is too finely woven, too irritable by pleasure and pain, so that life stagnates from too much reception without due outlet? Of what use to make heroic vows of amendment, if the same old law-breaker is to keep them? What cheer can the religious sentiment yield, when that is suspected to be secretly dependent on the seasons of the year and the state of the blood? I knew a witty physician who found the creed in the biliary duct, and used to affirm that if there was disease in the liver, the man became a Calvinist, and if that organ was sound, he became a Unitarian. Very mortifying is the reluctant experience that some unfriendly excess or imbecility neutralizes the promise of genius. We see young men who owe us a new world, so readily and lavishly they promise, but they never acquit the debt; they die young and dodge the account; or if they live they lose themselves in the crowd."
19 January 2008
a postcard from my own personal everest.
sometimes when we grow and we learn knew things we have to let old things go... old ways of thinking, of living, of dealing and of being ourselves. sometimes it seems like such a big mountain to climb or such a high bar... the expectations of others and of our own growth seems to loom in the distance like a mountain you need a sherpa to get up. there are times where i'm a few hours into the hike and i'm simply too tired to go any further, there are times where i'm too spent to do anything but hang out at base camp and wait for the weather to clear. there are times where i think of firing the whole team i've brought to this point with me, there are times where i panic i'll wake up and the team will have left me. the thing is about climbing mountains - real or metaphoric mountains is that you have to be at the top of your game. there is no room for error or for silly mistakes. you have gear, you can always get more gear, you have a map, you can always get a better map, you have will power and you can always steel those reserves of will when you become afraid to continue.
i find that at the point i'm at in my personal climb is a difficult one. i'm pretty far from the top and i'm really fucking far from the bottom. i've lost people along the way and i've let some turn back. i've had to assess if this is really the mountain i want to climb and if i'm really sure that all the decisions i've made up to this point are sound ones. i find that if i make a mistake at this point the consequences are dire and i am the one responsible for those injuries and deaths (mostly metaphoric deaths... some very literal injuries). some days i really don't know up from down or north from south and i don't have the confidence to just make a decision and deal with the outcome.
overall it's a work in progress. my hope is that in my lifetime i'll get to the top and be able to look down at everything the world has to show me and all the base camps along the way (i've left baggage at each one as a marker). my hope is that my mistakes and miscalculations became so few that it's more great days than bad ones and that i am able to earn the respect and love of the people i've chosen to take the journey with.
in the meantime i'm bunkered down at the latest base camp reevaluating and taking deep breaths from an oxygen tank. luckily i have emerson with me to sustain this rest.
"There will be an agreement in whatever variety of actions, so they be each honest and natural in their hour. For of one will, the actions will be harmonious, however unlike they seem. These varieties are lost sight of at a little distance, at a little height of thought. One tendency unites them all. The voyage of the best ship is a zigzag line of a hundred tacks. See the line from a sufficient distance, and it straightens itself to the average tendency. Your genuine action will explain itself and will explain your other genuine actions. Your conformity explains nothing. Act singly, and what you have already done singly will justify you now. Greatness appeals to the future. If I can be firm enough to-day to do right and scorn eyes, I must have done so much right before as to defend me now. Be it how it will, do right now. Always scorn appearances and you always may. The force of character is cumulative. All the foregone days of virtue work their health into this" - Emerson. Self-Reliance.
13 January 2008
tori amos witnesses another crushing defeat of my certainty... luckily her and i have hiked out of this fucking canyon before
for your viewing / reading / listening pleasure. for a long long time i've wanted to take lyrics from tori amos song and makes plates / cups with the words inscribed in circles. i've also thought of painting these lyrics on walls and making framed pictures with just the words cut out of newspaper. the obsession may have gone a little far even for me... and i'm a girl content with my obsessions. the only thing worth mentioning about today is that i had a chance to see my family, a chance to spend time with two of my best friends, lost a hard drive - maxtor 3200 with all my data on it rest in peace, a chance to have a few good phone conversations and then at the end of the day when i should have been preparing for my interviews tomorrow and thinking about how everything in my life is moving forward at a nice steady positive pace i was shot down. i suppose in fairness i have been too happy lately... too content... too certain that my life was on a good path. i was due for a little shit. so i cried. i cried really hard. so it sucked. we all know that this is just how things end some days no matter how awesome the beginning is. luckily i had the piece of mind to put together my tori montage, mmmmm. tori amos and the fucking canyon of crazy / emerson hole of defeat / dragon to slay in my own backyard. i might need an intervention in a few days. more tomorrow.
We've all been Pushed Too far
I guess on days like this
you know who your friends are
And I'm down to Your last cigarette and
this "We are one" crap as you're invading
This thing you call Love
Sure you talk the talk when you need to
She's afraid of the light in the dark
6:58 are you sure where my spark is
She's convinced she could hold back a glacier
But she couldn't keep Baby alive
Doubting if there's a woman in there somewhere
Yes my loyalties turned
These precious things
Let them bleed
Let them wash away
These precious things
Let them break their hold over me
I wanna smash the faces
Of those beautiful boys
Those christian boys
So you can make me cum
That doesnt make you jesus
Cause sometimes
I said sometimes
I hear my voice
And it's been here
Silent All These Years
Years go by
Will I still be waiting
For somebody else to understand
Years go by
Will I choke on my tears
Till finally there is nothing left
One more casualty
You know we're too easy Easy Easy
I hear a voice you must learn to stand up for yourself
Cause I cant always be around
He says when you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
04 December 2007
journeys require emerson
Be not the slave of your own past. Plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep and swim far, so you shall come back with self-respect, with new power, with an advanced experience that shall explain and overlook the old. - Emerson
despite the fact that i find myself lost in the forest of my life, despite that there are times where my woods are of my own making but no less bewildering and overwhelming than the foreign woods of some uncharted territory, despite the idea that sometimes i cannot see the forest for the trees.... despite these things and even in spite of them i find that i have a true north. my compass always works although my hands sometimes shake, my head sometimes questions my instincts and my body sometimes resists the next step. i have been blessed with a path, a way and a knowledge that within the parameters of this internal barometer i have safety and certainty.
there is also a safety net. it's a good thing for a girl of my age and of my past track record to have. it is a net sturdy safe and trustworthy. i have difficulty expressing my gratitude sometimes... even i struggle for the words that outline how i feel. how do you categorize or identify the swelling pounding deep breathing contentment that comes with safe harbour and with sanctuary? how can i explain in tangible sentences what it feels like to be able to dial a phone number and hear a voice - live or recorded - and share my joy / anger / sadness without fearing judgment or criticism? moreover how i can i put into a line or card how it feels to relieve my chest of that burden and feel all the more whole or sane for being able to really speak freely? can one ever express to another human what it feels like to receive love, respect, sympathy, honour and earnest whole listening?
i can tell you simply that it feels like fresh air swimming into my lungs past a swollen achy love filled heart. it feels as if my chest cannot expand to encompass the sensation.
when others wonder if they are worthy of such greatness... when others strive to understand how that perfection and love came into their lives... i sit and marvel at the gift i have been given. i know in those moments not only am i worthy but that the perfection in my presence is a star guiding me on my journey.
so i continue my message from yesterday... i am grateful. today is an affirmation that i have every reason to be grateful and content.
Whoever is open, loyal, true; of humane and affable demeanour; honourable himself, and in his judgement of others; faithful to his word as to law, and faithful alike to God and man....such a man is a true gentleman. - Emerson
despite the fact that i find myself lost in the forest of my life, despite that there are times where my woods are of my own making but no less bewildering and overwhelming than the foreign woods of some uncharted territory, despite the idea that sometimes i cannot see the forest for the trees.... despite these things and even in spite of them i find that i have a true north. my compass always works although my hands sometimes shake, my head sometimes questions my instincts and my body sometimes resists the next step. i have been blessed with a path, a way and a knowledge that within the parameters of this internal barometer i have safety and certainty.
there is also a safety net. it's a good thing for a girl of my age and of my past track record to have. it is a net sturdy safe and trustworthy. i have difficulty expressing my gratitude sometimes... even i struggle for the words that outline how i feel. how do you categorize or identify the swelling pounding deep breathing contentment that comes with safe harbour and with sanctuary? how can i explain in tangible sentences what it feels like to be able to dial a phone number and hear a voice - live or recorded - and share my joy / anger / sadness without fearing judgment or criticism? moreover how i can i put into a line or card how it feels to relieve my chest of that burden and feel all the more whole or sane for being able to really speak freely? can one ever express to another human what it feels like to receive love, respect, sympathy, honour and earnest whole listening?
i can tell you simply that it feels like fresh air swimming into my lungs past a swollen achy love filled heart. it feels as if my chest cannot expand to encompass the sensation.
when others wonder if they are worthy of such greatness... when others strive to understand how that perfection and love came into their lives... i sit and marvel at the gift i have been given. i know in those moments not only am i worthy but that the perfection in my presence is a star guiding me on my journey.
so i continue my message from yesterday... i am grateful. today is an affirmation that i have every reason to be grateful and content.
Whoever is open, loyal, true; of humane and affable demeanour; honourable himself, and in his judgement of others; faithful to his word as to law, and faithful alike to God and man....such a man is a true gentleman. - Emerson
28 October 2007
emerson and moments
i didn't even drunk dial but then against all reason there was his voice on the line. the man that i would change everything for. the one that got... wait... perhaps went willingly, happily, with good reason... anyway he's gone. except for that voice across the miles. the lilt in his tone and the happiness at his new life unmasked in his trust and love of our new friendship. a friendship built on hope on my part that perhaps one day we'll be different. that difference will be that we are a solid unit. it's not a daily hope, a goal or a certainty it's an abstract idea like finding a first edition book signed by the author at a garage sale. like winning the lottery. i'm happy to leave it as a fantasy. i'm happy to leave it where it is but each time he calls or reappears there is that glimmer that flash of emotion and of regret. oh the regret. the urge to find a time machine and right those wrongs. the urge to erase what stands between us and what holds us from each other. the urge to beg him to discard his new found love and happiness for a bed of old times and fading memories with me. even i know that it's a ridiculous hope and so i cover it convincingly with a smile and mirrored joy at his happiness. i'm so good at it sometimes i even believe myself.
once we fell in love in connecticut during a cold winter that kept us moving from the side of a fire to blankets on the couch to glasses of jameson or wine to a bed where we found each other for the first time. we created hope and silly little jokes only we could understand and told each other secrets in the cold night that we hadn't revealed to most people. once we spent two days in new orleans. we made love in a hotel bed tangled in each other. laughing about private jokes and our secrets. once we spent a days in north carolina hiding from cool air and enjoying the fresh air of the balcony as it silently stood above the river. we had sex there in a more purposeful and needy way. we used the intimacy to cover what doubts and uncertainties we held between us. we laughed about the old private jokes and the secrets that were so long past they no longer held weight. once after we were finished i fished our love out of the dark green murky ocean in alaska on the back deck of a bar everyone loves. i touched where he had carved his name into a table and felt the curve of the letter press into my palm. i smiled about the private jokes and thought about the secrets that we had both gone on to share with others.
he says that he couldn't have found what he has without me. that our years together have given him a perspective and understanding of what he needs to be in order to honour another.
he quotes emerson to me...
" The greatest homage we can pay to truth is to use it." then he goes on to say that what i've given him in my patience and my love and my friendship is the chance to use that truth for love. he doesn't need to mention that the love... the one he's using my truth to build and nurture is with another girl... one is apparently perfect and nice and i'll "think she's great".... he doesn't need to. there are still things that we know about each other without saying them.
he used to read emerson aloud to me and then quote it to me when we were saying goodbye or goodnight. once when we first met and we were deciding what we would be to each other i bought him a book of writings by emerson on nature. i had no idea that he already had the same book and it was one of his most treasured possessions. he unwrapped it from it's brown paper cover and his face lit up. he smiled fully right into my heart and then set it down so gently that it seemed as if it were glass. we just sat so still for a few seconds both looking at the cover and then he said quietly... i think you might be the most amazing person i've ever met.
and now here we are. he probably quotes emerson to the new girl. great. just fucking great. he tells me how much he loves me. he tells me how much he is grateful and how over the next few weeks he may need me - just in case they have problems or issues can i please talk him off the ledge.... after all he thinks she may be the one. of course i say. i'm always here. i'll always answer the phone night or day and give you anything you want. ugh. really i say these things and tell him his happiness is my happiness. that if he loves her i will love her. part of it is true and part is lies because i'm too chicken shit to say what i really think. i don't know which part is which.
here is the thing about love lost... here is the thing about loving a distant shadow of someone. you cannot force them to still be the old loved version of themselves. you cannot force them to fully fit into what used to be anymore than you are what you used to be. you simply go forward without thinking because it's what people do. you quote emerson to others and you remember fondly. you treasure the lost moments but let them pass you like old correspondence blowing haphazardly down a highway.... you pass them at 70 and wonder who would dare leave something so precious where it could be destroyed.
the only thing i can say at the closing is fiona apple - paper bag is the song i'm listening to right now and this quote is the one i can't get out of my tired head.
" Nothing can bring you peace but yourself. Nothing can bring you peace but the triumph of principles." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
once we fell in love in connecticut during a cold winter that kept us moving from the side of a fire to blankets on the couch to glasses of jameson or wine to a bed where we found each other for the first time. we created hope and silly little jokes only we could understand and told each other secrets in the cold night that we hadn't revealed to most people. once we spent two days in new orleans. we made love in a hotel bed tangled in each other. laughing about private jokes and our secrets. once we spent a days in north carolina hiding from cool air and enjoying the fresh air of the balcony as it silently stood above the river. we had sex there in a more purposeful and needy way. we used the intimacy to cover what doubts and uncertainties we held between us. we laughed about the old private jokes and the secrets that were so long past they no longer held weight. once after we were finished i fished our love out of the dark green murky ocean in alaska on the back deck of a bar everyone loves. i touched where he had carved his name into a table and felt the curve of the letter press into my palm. i smiled about the private jokes and thought about the secrets that we had both gone on to share with others.
he says that he couldn't have found what he has without me. that our years together have given him a perspective and understanding of what he needs to be in order to honour another.
he quotes emerson to me...
" The greatest homage we can pay to truth is to use it." then he goes on to say that what i've given him in my patience and my love and my friendship is the chance to use that truth for love. he doesn't need to mention that the love... the one he's using my truth to build and nurture is with another girl... one is apparently perfect and nice and i'll "think she's great".... he doesn't need to. there are still things that we know about each other without saying them.
he used to read emerson aloud to me and then quote it to me when we were saying goodbye or goodnight. once when we first met and we were deciding what we would be to each other i bought him a book of writings by emerson on nature. i had no idea that he already had the same book and it was one of his most treasured possessions. he unwrapped it from it's brown paper cover and his face lit up. he smiled fully right into my heart and then set it down so gently that it seemed as if it were glass. we just sat so still for a few seconds both looking at the cover and then he said quietly... i think you might be the most amazing person i've ever met.
and now here we are. he probably quotes emerson to the new girl. great. just fucking great. he tells me how much he loves me. he tells me how much he is grateful and how over the next few weeks he may need me - just in case they have problems or issues can i please talk him off the ledge.... after all he thinks she may be the one. of course i say. i'm always here. i'll always answer the phone night or day and give you anything you want. ugh. really i say these things and tell him his happiness is my happiness. that if he loves her i will love her. part of it is true and part is lies because i'm too chicken shit to say what i really think. i don't know which part is which.
here is the thing about love lost... here is the thing about loving a distant shadow of someone. you cannot force them to still be the old loved version of themselves. you cannot force them to fully fit into what used to be anymore than you are what you used to be. you simply go forward without thinking because it's what people do. you quote emerson to others and you remember fondly. you treasure the lost moments but let them pass you like old correspondence blowing haphazardly down a highway.... you pass them at 70 and wonder who would dare leave something so precious where it could be destroyed.
the only thing i can say at the closing is fiona apple - paper bag is the song i'm listening to right now and this quote is the one i can't get out of my tired head.
" Nothing can bring you peace but yourself. Nothing can bring you peace but the triumph of principles." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
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