a catholic girl that could work for allen marine...

from http://www.overheardeverywhere.com/

Is That What Jesus Would Do?

Catholic school girl #1: (sings "Total Eclipse of the Heart")
Catholic school girl #2: Stop it. I swear to god, I will shank you.

Baton Rouge, Louisiana

Overheard by: Adelaie

this one is for anyone who mighta said "ma'am, i will fucking cut you"... wait thats me. and in fairness, i didn't actually say that. but i totally wanted to. and i told many a story that ended and started with the phrase "i will fucking cut you".

sigh.

i want burger bitch and a drink at the arctic bar.

comin' home from cali and this life's so thick that you can hardly swim on through it

it was a long weekend in cali... i'm not ready to talk about it.

i haven't dropped off the face of the earth... i'm just processing the circle of life and what it means to really live. i'm facing what it means to be in my thirties and no longer be a child protected from black news and black days... to have to face what is inevitable about living and about breathing and that is that one day you will cease to do both.

i'm learning, processing, breathing and being grateful for absolutely everything in my life. sometimes when you can do nothing else you can recognize that you get today. there are no other promises and when it has to come down to it... today is enough.

i have pictures to post of trees. i have heartache to blog about. i have things to think about. tonight though, i have to sleep.

and this song is the new cali song... because as dawnielle said today it just makes her happy in her heart. and some days... because she is the one i've known my whole life and more days than not she is the best parts of me... making her happy makes me happy. and i'm grateful for that.

wanted...

wanted...
1. one afternoon by a river in connecticut. i've got the place if you've got the time.
2. one day with cody, to read, talk, sing, laugh and just be together.
3. a first edition of atlas shrugged.
4. a time machine
5. an internship for the summer
6. tickets to see sam beam live
7. a week of porch time in the valley to get my head and my heart right
8. another perspective
9. a friend to hold my secrets
10. everything ever written by chuck plahniuk
11. an evening in new york to see the dalai lama speak
12. a bike to ride in missoula montana
13. stationary to write some apologies
14. more energy
15. a new pair of sunglasses
16. to not have found my 3rd grey hair
17. a cabin in the woods
18. a plane ticket
19. earl grey ice cream

the title of my life right now.... and a new tattoo

Corinne Bailey Rae - Steady As She Goes

it's an alright day when you can give your life a title while deciding what your next tattoo will be... that's pretty much the highlight of the day... and the last 7 days for that matter. and let me tell you saying "things pretty much can't get worse" is just about the stupidest thing a person could say... if stupidest was a word (which it might be unlike stupider... which still makes a great political campaign slogan "Everyone is stupider than me") and a person was so inclined to say something more stupid than the statement that comes right before that which is "i think this might be manageable".

what a person should say is... thank you dave kwant for always being the man with the love and the balls to "do" EPIC it's boys like you that make girls like me happy.... i have given more than enough warning that i will be making a fall appearance in ct which means take the weekend off of work, buy some jameson and start stealing firewood.... and last but not least "do i look worried?" and if i do by some odd chance don't worry... steady as she goes.

and here you are

ever have that moment when social distortion, ayn rand and the man who invented jameson all seem to come together and make perfect sense?

no?

well... i don't know what to tell you about that.

i, on the other hand, have a very clear picture of what they look like together and it goes something like this:
if you find a contradiction go back and check your premise.
it was me against the world, i was sure that i'd win.
and last but definitely not least: the Jameson family's motto "Sine Metu"

perhaps that is enough for today... for now.... but i'm back in the world of the blogger... with a new perspective and big questions... like... what if i just moved to india? for no other reason than it would get me hell out of this place... wait... can i get jameson there?

the chorus of the universe

i was going to write a lot of things tonight.... but i am reminded as i sit down to this very public venue that not everyone likes their life to be read on the web. not everyone likes to throw their emotional guts out there and have others feast on the sweet meats like some internet hannibal lecter enjoying the salty and rawness of fresh destruction and death. so out of respect for the more squeamish i will abide to my first rule and only divulge here what is mine to divulge. i may be a cannibal and a voyeur but i'm not an asshole...
instead of the original post i wrote another post... long and poignant and deeply personal and then realized again that it violates the rules of opening up others to the public living that a daily blog can create... so i had to censure myself again.
in the place of those two things i can only give you this brief something..... something about making mistakes and having the opportunity to be forgiven, something about finding out once and for all what a person you love really (i mean no holding back REALLY) thinks about you, something about deserving that accurate and pointed judgment, something about giving up and then deciding i'd rather give in, something about being flawed and imperfect and finding out that it hasn't changed, something about how if jameson can't fix this cluster fuck i've created we're all in serious trouble, something about anxiety and the restlessness that comes from being on the cusp of failure and success all at once and lastly i was going to write something about the beauty and dichotomy of stark contrasts.
that last subject matter is the only thing i can manage for right now because the rest of it is a rat's nest of stupid emotional rawness that i still haven't had a chance to figure out... do i cut the blue or the red wire? will this shit blow up no matter what i do? this is officially the scariest environment imaginable... but that is not the point.
here my dear friends is the point.....
as my plane glides over clouds, not the puffy ones but the ones that are stretched out and thin as gauze over the landscape, i see beneath me a mountain range. i identified in the landscape the beauty of contrasts - the elusive wonderment in only seeing one thing because you've seen another - light for dark, life for death, love for hate, smooth for rough and internal fulfillment because you've been through the void. i have seen and felt all of those things, sometimes it's all the good ones, or all the bad ones, or in the good moments they come in paced intervals one after another in waves that i can breathe through. stark contrasts illuminate what we want to see and what we like about the picture of ourselves and others. i myself have seen the dark overwhelm me and the light fill me in the space of 2 long days, been loved and honoured and cherished and then discarded in the space of 24 hours and have felt the smooth feeling of flying and then the rough realization that flight is no longer even an option. now i suppose it's up to me to find that ever escaping and twirling and curling mythical beast called fulfillment because if we're all being honest and i don't know why we wouldn't be here... i've seen the void and i'm frustrated and sick to death of it.
funny how different things can come together to say exactly what it is that you've been searching the dictionary of the universe for the chorus to...

Olympic Torch Protest in San Francisco

although i have other things on my mind tonight they will have to wait... there are more important things than my own personal complaints about the life i have created for myself.

tonight the most important thing is that we are on the eve of the Olympic Torch protest in San Francisco.

you can view the BBC's footage of the protest in London here: Olympic Torch Protest in London

i ask humbly and simply that you really really think about the actions of the Chinese Government and their history of human rights violations. i remember very clearly the tiananmen square protests of 1989. we lived in hong kong then and it was a moment that i will never forget. some people know exactly where they were when jfk was killed or when elvis died. i'll never forget that footage and the knowledge that a government can oppress and erase whatever it is they see before them that they don't agree with. i suppose some people think that i'm just off on a tangent here... going on about what is pc or what is currently popular.... and i have ceased to try to be understood in this world. i have accepted that all i can do is use my words, heart and mind for good and let everyone else sort themselves out. keep my side of the street clean as my friend zach says.... sometimes thats the best a girl on the punk rock retirement plan can manage.

i wish i could more clearly express that i believe everything comes down to love. it's the basis of the universe. it is the basis of science, religion and of basic human instinct. love is the answer. it's in everything and causes everything. you can manifest whatever destiny you want... i'm choosing to manifest one based in love that asks for peace and harmony in the world, in the hearts of man and in our understanding. i am asking for these things simply because there is no other logical conclusion to come to.

tonight or tomorrow as you hold the things dear to you close remember that autonomy, democracy, freedom and free will come at price. you have the responsibility to use it for the good of the whole and to bring the universe to right. you have one job and it's to love - yourself, others and most importantly the global community and the planet. make a difference. change the world. do one small thing. use the voice you have been given. i promise that if you do it in love the harmony, peace and love will come back to you tenfold.

i leave you tonight with a simple prayer for peace for the world, health and comfort for His Holiness the Dalai Lama and for a peaceful protest tomorrow in San Francisco that reverberates through the american nation so loudly that we are moved to action on the global front.

May all beings everywhere plagued
with sufferings of body and mind
quickly be freed from their illnesses.
May those frightened cease to be afraid,
and may those bound be free.
May the powerless find power,
and may people think of befriending
one another.
May those who find themselves in trackless,
fearful wilderness--
the children, the aged, the unprotected--
be guarded by beneficent celestials,
and may they swiftly attain Buddhahood.

The Buddha

my new job

it's at the art museum here.... and the painting the death of marat is on display... by jacques-louis david... and it's more amazing than the last time i saw it. more beautiful and more compelling... somehow it seemed so familiar and brought back such strong memories. have i mentioned i love love love art?


below is my one of my other all time favourites: jules bastien-lepage's joan of arc from the metropolitan museum of art. i could look at it all day.

little known facts

some little known facts about me:
i love the smell of morning and flowing streams and rain and irish spring soap...
i really love jameson, reading emerson, naps, the sound of the ocean and taking pictures of trees
i daydream of falling in love with a man that can live with me a cabin in the woods, sings to me in the morning and at night, will make me banana pancakes for breakfast and is willing to be honest with himself and others and live with integrity... everything else we'll work out.
i watch movies that are period pieces or historically based... i love great costumes and the feeling of being carried away... i also love foreign films and subtitles and quirky indie films
i don't like french toast or gin or any kind of carnation (even the milk)
i hate feeling frustrated or misunderstood and the idea and practice of karaoke
i write everyday here on my blog, in my personal journal, poetry and in what we're currently referring to as the novella of sorts
i never know what is going to come of those writing sessions and i never plan them ahead of time... i start by finding the playlist and then write how i feel based on what i wanted to listen to.
i find that my life revolves around music more than i ever knew... i have a soundtrack to most things in my life.

sometimes in my life i think about missed opportunities and the things that i didn't give enough time or effort to. i wonder if i had been different in the moment or ready for different things if my life would be different or if i would have gotten here regardless of the path that i took. sometimes i ache for the days back when i was just a child and everything was unwritten and unstarted and unknown. sometimes i long for these moments to be over so i can just be past them.

i worry (sometimes daily) that i am supposed to be doing more, feeling more, committing more, growing, learning, changing and experiencing more. sometimes i feel stagnant in the middle of change like a person feels in the eye of the storm... sometimes even with my life in upheaval things are so quiet and calm at the center of me. i wish that i needed less change and adventure. i wish that i would be content with a small life that involved less time on the battle ground.

i have become weary in the past few days of being on the forefront and wish that i could apply for furlough although i know there is no rest and there is no leaving the front lines. i hope for a person that can accept all the things that i have come to understand and own the battle with me. there are days when i wonder how i'll ever explain to someone how i got here and what the purpose is for continuing. more and more i've become afraid that there will never be another night's sleep without worrying about the things i've come to know and there will never be another moment of sanctuary or peace that i don't have to fight tooth and nail for. i find that in this particular time of beginning to understand and finally open my eyes that i hold certain people even closer to my heart... they have become an indelible part of my past, present and future. i could never release that bond because without the role model of living in love i think i would forget easily... or give up when the fatigue and the frustration at the state of the world became too much. they are my reminders and my talismans that true north exists, that there is a standard of gold and of love, that sometimes there are people in your life you are simply meant to love and lastly that all the answers are here if we are just quiet enough long enough to hear what our hearts are telling us.

tonight my heart is telling me to make tea, put my feet up and relax.... i don't have to do everything right now... just breathe and relax. and since my heart has had years of practice listening to that very sound advice i'm going to take it once again... while doing that i'm going to reflect on this:
"If we look wider, things are all alike; laws and letters and creeds and modes of living seem a travesty of truth. Our society is encumbered by ponderous machinery, which resembles the endless aqueducts which the Romans built over hill and dale and which are superseded by the discovery of the law that water rises to the level of its source. It is a Chinese wall which any nimble Tartar can leap over. It is a standing army, not so good as a peace. It is a graduated, titled, richly appointed empire, quite superfluous when town-meetings are found to answer just as well.

Let us draw a lesson from nature, which always works by short ways. When the fruit is ripe, it falls. When the fruit is despatched, the leaf falls. The circuit of the waters is mere falling. The walking of man and all animals is a falling forward. All our manual labor and works of strength, as prying, splitting, digging, rowing and so forth, are done by dint of continual falling, and the globe, earth, moon, comet, sun, star, fall for ever and ever.

The simplicity of the universe is very different from the simplicity of a machine. He who sees moral nature out and out and thoroughly knows how knowledge is acquired and character formed, is a pedant. The simplicity of nature is not that which may easily be read, but is inexhaustible. The last analysis can no wise be made. We judge of a man's wisdom by his hope, knowing that the perception of the inexhaustibleness of nature is an immortal youth. The wild fertility of nature is felt in comparing our rigid names and reputations with our fluid consciousness. We pass in the world for sects and schools, for erudition and piety, and we are all the time jejune babes. One sees very well how Pyrrhonism grew up. Every man sees that he is that middle point whereof every thing may be affirmed and denied with equal reason. He is old, he is young, he is very wise, he is altogether ignorant. He hears and feels what you say of the seraphim, and of the tin-peddler. There is no permanent wise man except in the figment of the Stoics. We side with the hero, as we read or paint, against the coward and the robber; but we have been ourselves that coward and robber, and shall be again,--not in the low circumstance, but in comparison with the grandeurs possible to the soul." Emerson

finding my path to the future intertwined with my past

a playlist dedicated to the year we graduated from high school:

i have long suspected that long portions of my life... significant portions have been lost to the sands of time... i don't really know what i mean by lost. perhaps those days have been blocked from my memory, perhaps the indiscretions of those years has done some sort of permanent damage or perhaps it is the natural progression of things... to forget our childhood and our past as we grow into something bigger and sometimes better.

i think back to those times and cringe. i think about all the things i didn't know. i think about all the things that were looming in my future. i think about all the shit that lays between where i am now and those days.

i suppose that the most accurate thing to say is that i survived those years. barely. i attempted and almost succeeded at self destruction. now it seems so strange. how painful and real the demons and dragons were. i'm surprised i made it. i'm surprised that i am who i am.

those things... a string of bad boyfriends that did their best to perpetuate my unhealthy ideas about myself, a string of bad choices that left me estranged from my family and my roots, a string of circumstances that were so in my control and yet so far from my control... a string of years that i've chosen to put behind me because i couldn't quite figure out how to go through them.

on this side of things and on the cusp of returning to the places of my near spiritual, emotional and mental demise i feel something creeping up. i feel regret, embarrassment and an urge to put things to right. could i go back in time and find all those old things and undo them? could i go back and face those demons? could i perhaps put them behind me for good and become closer to being the person i've wanted to be all these years?

things are uncertain from where i sit... in des moines with the threat of snow keeping me here... all i can do is move forward as i have always done.... hope that after all these years when the memories come floating back that all the places i've gone - inside myself and geographically have prepared me for my next step.

phoenix (now pronounced fa-ho-nix)....

roads and homes...

hard to say what i'm feeling... hard to express my mood. is tired a mood? they say the road to hell is paved with good intentions and i have a car full of stuff and good intentions ready to leave in the morning. the disconnect from my friends and family feels palpable. i suppose it's the mode i get into each time i leave somewhere. i'm not sure if it's an official known fact but... i leave well. i'm good at leaving. i'm great at departures. i guess i've done it so many times in my life that it's second nature to pull everything into my head for processing later.there are flutters of nervousness in my stomach. i'm not really sure what that is all about except the obvious. brakes, what it will be like on the other side, how the camping will be and if it will all go smoothly. perhaps there isn't much to say beyond these few lines.

i'm sure everyone knows the drill... i'll see you on the other side... the west coast as it were... i'll try to give a call when i have nothing but road in front of me and sun shining. i'll try to take pictures of myself, oddities and trees. i'll journal the old fashioned way for the next few days if i can't blog here and post whatever i come up with when i get to shannon's house.

some roadtrip advice... to myself... or you...

as i start this blog the playlist is playing in my ears and i have to admit the sound of the bass from the shins makes me want to dance a little...

not the kind of dancing that you do when you are out and aboot but the kind where you are sitting somewhere and you kind of shake your hips to the beat... sometimes we even move our head with it and make it a whole upper body kind of dance. a chair dance if you will. the dance you do in the car with the radio cranked while you're driving on the highway. perhaps even while you are driving there are miles peeling away and although you're on your way to a destination it seems like forever lays between you and there. sometimes there is a break in the monotony of the landscape that catches your eyes for just a second. a horse, an old farmhouse, a tractor rusting in a field, a sign with something bizarre written in red paint or just a tree that is outstretched and welcoming as if a picnic beneath it's branches would be welcomed and appreciated. your eyes snap back to the dotted line in front of you and you continue to drive. you think abstractly about life. about the things you've done. about where you've been. about the people you know. about the things you hope to do. about what you think all those things mean. you wonder if you are hungry or have to pee because there is a small town on the horizon. chances are you want to stop but somehow you just keep driving because we can't stop in every small town in america otherwise we'd never get anywhere now would we?

sometimes you do stop. you pull over and go to little restaurants like the wheat montana deli
or a little truck stop that has a bored clerk ringing up purchases beneath a dirty shirt and a flat smile. in those truck stops it's nice to wander the aisles for a few minutes and really see what it is that they have to offer. it gives a nice break from the constant stream of questions and thoughts that seem to have taken over the car. sometimes you chide yourself in an annoyed voice about how you should just stop worrying about so much and relax. enjoy the drive and whatnot. sometimes you tell yourself to shut the fuck up and buy a gatorade even though there is already one in the car... or a fountain soda even though they aren't good for you and you don't even really like them.

here is what i have to say to you. yes the chair / car dance is cute and yes all the questions are somewhat annoying. i understand that if you have to spend 5 days or so not speaking to anyone but yourself that you may get a little sick of yourself no matter how funny or interesting you are. what i don't understand is why you can't just enjoy the silence. wait for big ideas and thoughts to come to you. perhaps this time is better spent contemplating the space / time continuum or a clean energy source. why do we have to revisit the old shit? the old disappointments? the old ideas that have been discarded because they aren't applicable to our current life? i know you don't really want to leave for this destination and i know you have been somewhat homesick for connecticut. there is nothing anyone can do about these things. you simply have to move forward. you have to. we're taking a positive attitude and pretending that everything is fine because in all fairness possession is 9/10ths of the law and if motion and attitude invade your mind you'll have no choice but to be positive.

in fact i'll go out on a limb and say that this next roadtrip is just what you need to be able to process the last few months. there is a value in being disconnected... off the grid if you will... there will be some camping in iowa / nebraska and then you'll be with the lovely lala. between lala and phoenix there is another 1000 miles or so and perhaps there will be another night spent camping... although i hope not in albuquerque because you know how we feel about that place. it's not that it's bad... it's just that it's well... boring like a huge strip mall but not the good kind with a secret restaurant tucked into the corner or a little shop in which you can buy stationary that you'll never write letters on but the bad kind that has check cashing places and curio shops. god we hate curio shops. not antique shops mind you... just curio shops. we love old stuff and really are bored and disgusted by new shiny things that clutter lives and shelves... there isn't enough room in your life for new things to clutter anything considering all the old things we're still carrying around and moving from state to state.

on that topic; perhaps while you're on your roadtrip if you have time between melodies from the shins and little chair dances you may want to think about some of those old things and try to get them all worked out in your head. you may even want to stop in some small towns along the way and see if there is anything there that will somehow explain how it is that you are where you are and why the hell you're doing it.

cute hair, good music, great mood

so i got a new haircut and it's even cuter and sassier than the last one. i love love love cute and sassy hair! additionally there are pictures below but first we must take care of the playlist for today! find that below... but beware that i am in a mood for guilty pleasures and some top 40s music... it's my i can't wait to get the fuck on the road mix... and not because i can't wait to get there but because i love road trips:

so i've thrown down the gauntlet that i've never been cuter in my life and i never will. this haircut is my favourite in a long long time... to be honest it's been such a long time since i've loved my hair that i can't stop looking at this new do. maybe that's why i'm so cute because i think i am... they say feeling that way inside makes it look like it on the outside... whatever it is i am so thankful that caroline could fit me in for one last haircut and that she was generous enough to let me copy her super cute hair.

i'm leaving on a road trip on monday. really it's an excited nervous high - i'm leaving WISCONSIN!!! so long suckers and snow and i'm going to be on the road. i love pulling out with all my stuff in the car and being in total control of what happens for the days i'm on the road. remember i'm pretty much no maintenance these days - so camping on the side of the road, sleeping in my car, eating oatmeal or granola bars and fruit and drinking truck stop coffee are things that make me a happy happy girl. add taking self portraits while pulled over in random spots and taking pictures of trees and you have magic as far as i'm concerned. i just can't wait. i can't wait... oh and i think it could go without saying but i won't leave it... cuz well i'm just in that kind of mood... i'll be done with passive aggressiveness and i can officially say "i got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one..." already i can feel myself feeling restless and excited... happy... elated... i'm literally beaming. sometimes it's good to be free right before the shackles are officially locked onto your limbs again... after this it will be back to work until april... but it's been an awesome run -- october 1st to now without working one day. unless you consider dealing with family stress, 10 inches of snow and worrying everyday about how it's possible that everything is going to work out a jobby job. which now that it's all over i really don't... i definitely enjoyed my little hiatus from the slave force that is our economy.

the roadtrip plan goes like this: leave 'sconsin on monday sometime before noon. drive about 9 hours into nebraska - omaha (ish) and find a place to sleep for the night...
tuesday morning get up for some truck stop coffee and then drive about 8 hours into denver... where i will stay tuesday & wednesday with my sister the lovely lala who is great. i plan to have great times with her and meet her kitten optimus prime and then perhaps we'll have some drinks and stay up late talking about everything in the world and how the ocean makes problems seem smaller since it is so so so big. additionally we'll probably take cute pictures of ourselves in sunglasses and make funny faces.
thursday morning ish get up and drive to pueblo to see uncle tony and brigette. stay thursday night in their brand new nice house and have some drinks and good times... plus confirm our cabin reservation for our april trip.
friday morning get up and drive the 11 hours into phoenix and end up at shannon's house just in time for the weekend!
hopefully my cell phone will get fixed on the road - as soon as i can find a t-mobile store - those stupid mother effers. i hate that i have a $400 phone that doesn't do anything except hold phone numbers. it's totally stupid!

so many good good things. new hair, roadtrip and the planning of the april trip to the canyon.

the april trip is an awesome plan and no matter who shows up i'm going. i'm totally going. all the other suckers can sit around discussing if they want to go, if it's too early to plan and all the other sucker details. it may just end up being zach, liam and i. if that's how it all shakes out i think it will still be awesome! we're planning a week with some days up at the family cabin in flagstaff, at least two days hiking and one night in the grand canyon and then MAYBE overnight in vegas.... it's the best of all worlds: activity, a once in a lifetime event, relaxation and VEGAS! what other kind of vacation could you do all those things???? seriously it's four months away and i'm super excited.

so things are good. i have good things in front of me. i have good friends with me. i have good in my heart and i'm finding the good in things instead of being miserable about the changes. it's all a state of mind right? right?? yes. it's all a state of mind. i'm rocking my new hair and an awesome mix of songs while thinking about how everything will work out. it simply will.

mondays are mondays

i'm standing here (metaphorically speaking of course because in actuality i'm sitting) and i'm surrounded by trees at the end of season, cool crisp weather and so many things that i cannot begin to process. i'm treading water emotionally. i'm getting really really tired and i'll be honest and say i don't know how long i can keep it up. i don't know what that means. i don't know what happens when you no longer keep it together emotionally.

i came here... i drove here and i believed while on the road that when i arrived there would be this moment. this fucking crystal moment from an after school special. people would be so proud. he would be so proud. he would see me for the first time. i would know him and he would know me. he'd be sick but we'd work through it and it would all be fine. things would naturally go back to right. people would fucking weep when they read of how it became right. it would verify and justify everything that has happened in the past. we would meet on new ground. higher ground. i have no reservations about saying that i was fucking deluded. i was crazy. there is no higher ground. there is no making it right. i am what i am. i cannot have more than this in my relationship. i have so much grief and frustration in that. i wake up everyday and look at myself in the mirror and ask why... why. it's the same question i've always asked and the question that i ask in my other relationships... why. why aren't i worth it? why not me? the funny thing is that i really like myself. i really really do. it's confusing that there are men in my life that don't. they don't see those things.

i feel like i love them... flaws and all and in return they love me with qualifiers. i wonder mostly why i haven't found a solution to this problem. seriously? seriously! i'm fucking 31. i'm so fucking frustrated i haven't grown past this. i haven't become an adult. fuck. ugh.

here is what i know for sure... these things i am certain of:
1. going to the gym was like having my own personal trainer. a personal trainer with a bmw m6 convertible. i'm not much for that sort of thing but i'm just saying it's nice. it's nice to have a new friend. it's nice to have someone who doesn't live in this house. i know that when we hang out part of the lump in my throat goes away. i don't feel on the edge of crying and not stopping... it's a distraction. sometimes i need to be distracted.
2. i've made a mess of an old friendship. i may have ruined it. for once i just can't forget it and smooth it over and stuff all the feelings inside. because right now i'm full of all the other feelings. i want to make it okay. i want to say i'm okay but it's just more than i can do right now. perhaps if i was a better daughter i would have the fucking sense to be a better friend. but i'm not. i'm simply not and so i have to just put it on the back burner and walk away and hope against all logical hope that when i get back to it that it won't be ruined. perhaps when i can get back there it will still be edible. in the meantime i feel like shit.
3. i thought that perhaps i had found god... or some close version that gave me solace. (yeah, i didn't know he was lost either but people are always saying that they found him). i felt so sure. i even felt like we had a mutually interested relationship. but since i've been here.... "home" the voice and the certainty have gone. i don't know what's true anymore. perhaps that's just another set of expectations that i can't live up to. i don't understand why when things were easier that i was so sure. i don't understand why when things are so hard right now... a fucking struggle each day that i feel like that peace is completely gone. not enough faith? let's just put it on the list of opportunities that i held in my hand and somehow let go.

i'm going outside... a bike ride perhaps. everyone is gone and still i feel like i have to escape this house. escape my own thoughts.... how fast do you think you have to go to escape yourself?

strep throat

strep throat. that's what the urgent care doctor says... strep throat. one shot of antibiotics, $250.00 and a prescription later i have been given strict instructions not to travel and to come back in a day for a check up. since i don't have tonsils (because i used to get strep throat so bad and so frequently) apparently it can travel into my lungs, stomach and etc etc. so i'm back on the road... i'll cancel the appointment from south dakota.

i love road trips but i'm hating life right now. i totally give up. it's absolutely frightening to be thousands of miles from anyone i know and the only thing i can do is keep driving. i can't eat and i can barely talk. i hate my ipod... it crashed this morning and i can't seem to fix it.

i'm frustrated. i'm overwhelmed. i'm giving up.

montana to wyoming

apparently dinosaurs used to live in montana... or at least that's what i figured out today when i stopped 250 miles into my trip at a small museum. i was feeling kinda weird and dinosaurs are kinda weird so why not take a break there? i have some kind of killer cold / flu thing goin on and i can't eat. it hurts when i swallow. my chest hurts when i breathe. after my break today i started to feel worse... hot, cold, clammy, dizzy. so finally i pulled over and fished out my thermometer... yep fever = 101. so i'm in sheridan wyoming 500 miles from where i started this morning and i'm sick as a dog. sleeping in a wal-mart parking lot cuz i just can't even fathom having to camp tonight. plus there is free internet... i'm not saying shop there... i'm just saying when a girl is sick it's not a bad place to be. tomorrow - sick or not crazy horse national monument and then on.

coming home full circle

i am still on the road... driving... arriving... processing... falling into myself and the person that i believe i can be. it is a flow and ebb like going over hills and then falling with gravity into the dip before the next hill. i am not afraid nor am i overwhelmed. quiet, certain, resolute and calm. i expected that yesterday i would have a twinge of emotion or a feeling of sadness about what i left behind but it was absent. i had prayed and gotten my answer. sometimes we love people and they don't love us back in the same way. that's okay. it's great in fact.... it's an opportunity to be unselfish. friendships are better and stronger based in love. there is no envy or anger at not being "chosen" and for once is absent that feeling of being judged or falling short. i am absolute confident in my value, my qualities, my blessings and my beauty.

after the drive and the crest of the mountains in the evening i arrived home. i can only explain missoula as home. i can only say that it is here that i want to be with my whole being and i had forgotten that about myself. i had discarded the idea of living here... perhaps because i was afraid of committing to being me. i had to go to alaska instead and start the changes. it's terrifying to love a place so much that i don't want to leave... i literally don't want to leave. i want to unpack my things. i want to wake up here everyday. it is the place of pancakes and music. it is the place. which is odd to hear from a girl who has never had a home and has never felt home in her whole life. just to give you an idea - it's built on a river. it's beautifully arranged at the base of mountains and shines in warm open sunlight that warms your face as you smell the crisp clean air. it's small town meets all the goodness of a city. it has two or three used book shops. it has a progressive wildlife biology program that i am in LOVE with. the main mode of transport is bicycle. there are bike racks on the sidewalks right next to water dishes for dogs. the dogs sit without leashes next to bikes and wait unhurriedly for owners to reappear from whatever task they have started. outside the coffee shop i'm at right now there are no less than 30 bikes. it is a place that is unprocessed. it is the opposite of phoenix. it is what i thought alaska would be like. i am at a loss for what i'll do now that i remember myself here. i simply don't want to leave. i don't want to leave. i always want to leave - move forward - find the next adventure. i finally want to stay.

anneke and i sat and talked from when i arrived last night until early this morning. we talked and talked and finally i found that i could cry about all the small things that had been bothering me and building up inside. not cry out of frustration or out of panic or fear. cry the long sobs and big tears that expressed my grief. i was allowed to mourn... i was given permission to grieve. and we laughed. and we talked of her sadnesses and we talked of the future. i remembered myself and how i got here and then i realized that those things are no longer necessary. i don't need to overprocess it. my life is what it is. and i am grateful for it. i am eternally completely grateful.

sometimes these are the ways that our paths twist and turn like autumn leaves in the wind that is change. so let change blow and let my life twist and then turn back onto itself. i know my north. i know where my star is and how to navigate forward without asking for directions.

here is the plan stan

departing ketchikan MONDAY october 1st at 6:15 am... arriving in prince rupert that afternoon at 1:45 pm. that will give me 3 1/2 days to drive 1200 miles... which i may need.
by friday i'll be in washington to see cody and hang out for a few days... a little relaxation... the only plans i have are to see the new wes anderson movie and then to see ira glass on sunday in portland.
back on the road on monday october 8th headed south. spending monday night with marcia and ken in grangeville, idaho. will be lovely to see them and have a nice evening.
tuesday october 9th headed for rexburg, id. dinner? with christian and some quality time.
wednesday october 10th headed for provo, ut. lunch / dinner and rock or roll or both with dan.
thursday october 11th headed for phoenix... that means i should be there on thursday or friday.

camping supplies are ready. snacks are getting stocked this week. everyone who i might see should be prepared that showering on road trips is optional unless you have a bathing suit and some flip flops to use at the truck stop showers. my hope is to find some new aviator sunglasses since mine broke and take some great pictures to share with everyone.

the bad news? tacoma is not on the list of stops... it's going to have to be a visit when i come up to get my stuff out of storage.

the good news? they have sonic in idaho and utah... so crushed ice is on the list.

also... i love a good adventure.

phoenix

so here's the news folks... it's official and this is the official press release:

emma and i are moving to phoenix. drew and i have decided that it would be great for emma to be closer to him. he is ready to take the next step and be a full time parent and i am ready to finish school and more importantly am ready to accept his help. this is a positive thing and the move is a good thing overall.

i'm anxious about what this means in the scheme of things. i'm nervous to move back to phoenix. i'm not sure i'm rock and roll enough to live there... i mean i love piano rock... and i definitely don't have enough tattoos.

our time schedule puts us there the 2nd week of october or so. we'll be living in chandler and emma will be going to school on the tempe / chandler border. i'm not sure about the job thing or more details... i'm not even sure how i feel about in my heart of hearts so we'll leave it at this - the big picture and hope that all the small things work themselves out.

if i could do it all over again

today on my break i took a boat ride out to the adventure kart drop off point and back. one of the perks of working for this company is getting to go out and see ketchikan from the water occasionally.

the cluster of islands is so amazing from that perspective. dark green and lighter green trees mixed along the shore planted in rocky beaches littered with remnants of the trees that stood before. the water was flat and calm, the air humid and faintly smelling of salt and the decay / life of the ocean. the sky is overcast today but not quite grey and so the water looks black and cold. fishing boats are moving through the inside passage either into town to refuel / unload or out to sea to make more money. halfway out to the dock we saw dall's porpoise(s) dancing, jumping and splashing in the water. the captain stopped and we watched them for about 10 minutes. there is something graceful and beautiful to the simplicity of their shape and form.

i had 2 1/2 hours to just watch the world and think about things. i found myself thinking about my life and how it's come to this point and all of the high points and the things that if i could replay i would.
1. talking to my grandfather
2. the afternoon light in grand central station
3. the metropolitan museum of art
4. the hustle of the train station in amsterdam
5. the taste of the bread in the market in singapore
6. the sounds and excitement of the open market in hong kong
7. the sunshine and sand from australia
8. orange mist of thailand interlinked with the sound of the temples and clatter of the city
9. three days and two shows with john lee hooker
10. dinner with booker t jones
11. watching tool play 2 feet from the drum riser
12. travelling the us / canada on a tourbus
13. the sunset in salt lake city
14. losing my first tooth
15. seeing emma for the first time
16. taste of freshly baked bread in paris
17. the week long road trip with craig (twice)
18. seeing graceland (just the outside though) and memphis (the picture at the top)
19. sturgis bike week
20. crazy horse memorial
21. new orleans with tim
22. the chester house and time spent with the boys
23. watching my brother be born
24. sitting with my sister

then i realized that this summer in alaska would probably go onto that list at some point in the future and how it's strange to me that this place and these memories have become so common place to me. i'd like to explore it more and make sure that i experience it as much as possible in these last 6 weeks.