break up lesson #63: when your ex-boyfriend calls your parents house in the middle of the night it makes him a jerk. it's still undecided what it says about you.
better tomorrow... it's wednesday. who doesn't like wednesday?
Showing posts with label the canyon of crazy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label the canyon of crazy. Show all posts
17 November 2009
18 May 2009
sometimes it's easy to forget...
sometimes it's easy to forget who is fighting the good fight and who (or whom?) is fighting simply for their own gain. things aren't so simple when you're a grown up. i don't know why not. why don't simple paradigms like cowboys and indians or robbers and cops just stay simple? before you know it you realize that the cowboys ruined a civilization and not all cops are better than the robbers that they fight. it's confusing and sometimes it leaves me feeling bewildered and wondering if there is indeed an instruction manual. if there is what would you call it? would you call it the Bible? the Koran? the teachings of Buddha? would you call it the forest and the simple pillars of nature? would you eschew all those teachings and say man makes his own instructions? somewhere inside all of it is a explanation. and sometimes that explanation glorifies your life - like the day i had yesterday. and sometimes that explanation brings the understanding of what is true on it's metaphorical ear - which is good because it turns out i have a fucking hard time hearing when i'm being stubborn.
perhaps it's possible that when a friend speaks truth to you and it hurts your heart it's a truth you need to hear. perhaps it's possible that in refusing to continue certain old patterns and interactions there are friends that are teaching the most valuable lesson of all. it's those truths i need to hear and i need to speak. i should be that brave. it's those things i need to reflect on - not the words or the emotion but the weight and the importance of the interaction. because when i don't hear properly... when i don't fucking get the message i get all soft and try to be forgiving which seems to mean forgetful about what we're doing here. and then i get phone calls like the one i did today - inviting me to key west. talking about how i'm weak or scared for not going... even though it's an idea that i wouldn't EVER entertain. a person on the other end of a phone that doesn't understand that all i can give at this point is a respectful distance and a resolute promise... to no longer "do my best" and stay within myself and remember where i've been.
it's been a year - and in that year i've learned everything about myself. i've learned about who and what i am. i've learned so many good things. the good days are really good. the bad days are few and far between and definitely managable. i've learned what i'm made of. i've learned who my friends are and i've learned how to remember every day what i'm capable of - for good and for bad. and most importantly i've learned that friends don't ask friends to go to key west, they don't ask them to descend into the canyon of crazy on a whim... and if they do... with friends like that who needs tequila?
perhaps it's possible that when a friend speaks truth to you and it hurts your heart it's a truth you need to hear. perhaps it's possible that in refusing to continue certain old patterns and interactions there are friends that are teaching the most valuable lesson of all. it's those truths i need to hear and i need to speak. i should be that brave. it's those things i need to reflect on - not the words or the emotion but the weight and the importance of the interaction. because when i don't hear properly... when i don't fucking get the message i get all soft and try to be forgiving which seems to mean forgetful about what we're doing here. and then i get phone calls like the one i did today - inviting me to key west. talking about how i'm weak or scared for not going... even though it's an idea that i wouldn't EVER entertain. a person on the other end of a phone that doesn't understand that all i can give at this point is a respectful distance and a resolute promise... to no longer "do my best" and stay within myself and remember where i've been.
it's been a year - and in that year i've learned everything about myself. i've learned about who and what i am. i've learned so many good things. the good days are really good. the bad days are few and far between and definitely managable. i've learned what i'm made of. i've learned who my friends are and i've learned how to remember every day what i'm capable of - for good and for bad. and most importantly i've learned that friends don't ask friends to go to key west, they don't ask them to descend into the canyon of crazy on a whim... and if they do... with friends like that who needs tequila?
23 February 2009
my postcard from today...
Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters, 1999
here is my postcard for today from the edge of where i am... into the night... which is black and empty.
we cannot always provide others with what they want us to give them. sometimes when someone says 'I'm sorry' to you it's okay to say 'I don't care' back... simply because it's not your problem. it's only your problem to figure out how you feel about it and to get on with your life. sometimes sorry isn't enough and never will be... those moments in which forgiveness need not apply are moments that define us and it makes us stronger.
28 September 2008
alligators and coldplay
have you ever given up? what did it feel like? what did it look like? were you listening to this song as you did it? Coldplay - Viva la Vida
did you sit on the porch and spill your heart and it's contents before your roommate and God in an attempt to fight the good fight and grasp aloud what was right behind your eyes and wandering aimlessly in your heart. did you find the moment that you came to great clarity with thunderous understanding and perfection that the person that you believed was fighting right along side of you was actually an adversary?
did you hear your roommate say "i know how to call an alligator back" just as the frustration level reached it's peak and you were pretending to make the hissing noise that alligators make to say that they are all set?
did you know at that moment why alligators eat people? i do.
i give up today. not in a poor me way. not in a i can't do this way. i give up because i deserve better. i deserve to know that when i roll the dice and go all in that what i'm gambling on is more than an alligator's temperment or fake plastic chips. i want to know that when i look back on this moment it's not that i chose my path based on maybes... i chose it because it is my Spiritual north and i know in every piece of my being that there simply is no other choice. i want to know that when i get through with the good fight and i've bared my soul to those that stand still and listen long enough to hear it that any scars or cuts that are visible are ones that were not self inflicted and weren't inflicted by an enemy... that those are the scars and cuts that i had to get as a matter of course to get here.
did you know you always get what you ask for... we always get what we ask for no matter what. at that moment... after everything had transpired did you suddenly feel free and completely comfortable in your own skin for the first time in years. maybe you don't have to go anywhere to get to home... maybe home is in your heart and you get there by coming back to yourself with such force that you are ready to stand alone to defend it.
either way... tonight as i listen to coldplay and think about myself i know that this is the perfect place in the perfect moment with everything right where it should be and i find comfort in it... i find satisfaction and happiness.... and that feels like i'm winning the fight.... the good one.
did you sit on the porch and spill your heart and it's contents before your roommate and God in an attempt to fight the good fight and grasp aloud what was right behind your eyes and wandering aimlessly in your heart. did you find the moment that you came to great clarity with thunderous understanding and perfection that the person that you believed was fighting right along side of you was actually an adversary?
did you hear your roommate say "i know how to call an alligator back" just as the frustration level reached it's peak and you were pretending to make the hissing noise that alligators make to say that they are all set?
did you know at that moment why alligators eat people? i do.
i give up today. not in a poor me way. not in a i can't do this way. i give up because i deserve better. i deserve to know that when i roll the dice and go all in that what i'm gambling on is more than an alligator's temperment or fake plastic chips. i want to know that when i look back on this moment it's not that i chose my path based on maybes... i chose it because it is my Spiritual north and i know in every piece of my being that there simply is no other choice. i want to know that when i get through with the good fight and i've bared my soul to those that stand still and listen long enough to hear it that any scars or cuts that are visible are ones that were not self inflicted and weren't inflicted by an enemy... that those are the scars and cuts that i had to get as a matter of course to get here.
did you know you always get what you ask for... we always get what we ask for no matter what. at that moment... after everything had transpired did you suddenly feel free and completely comfortable in your own skin for the first time in years. maybe you don't have to go anywhere to get to home... maybe home is in your heart and you get there by coming back to yourself with such force that you are ready to stand alone to defend it.
either way... tonight as i listen to coldplay and think about myself i know that this is the perfect place in the perfect moment with everything right where it should be and i find comfort in it... i find satisfaction and happiness.... and that feels like i'm winning the fight.... the good one.
22 September 2008
the physics of meaning
the physics of meaning it's a band with a great song called aeroplanes and hurricanes... not my favorite like These United States over and over again but it's metaphorical and you know i'm a girl that likes the comfort of things being metaphorical and literal all at the same time. it gives me a strange contented feeling like running my tongue over the same spot on my cheek that i accidentally bit into. to understand that things are working on every plane and every platform and every level. when i find things come together in the perfect symbiosis that is a healthy life experiment i am always elated. excited like i feel when i have deja vu and when i finally see clearly what was right in front of me the whole time.
so anyway, the physics of meaning. what things mean and what is said and implied and how things are interpreted and what expectations are built and how fragile they all are when piled end to end in a tower like form. what that means and how gravity, motion, kinetic and potential energy all apply to tower building and misunderstandings that happen by default because we are imperfect and flawed beings. like building a tower to babel those things - the communications that are missed and the laws of the universe that we have created between us - eventually those come clanging down because the language is no longer understood amongst all the communicators.
i'm not sure how to avoid these things. i try time and time again to communicate just as clearly and honestly as i can but i find more often than not that either i fail or i seem to have misplaced my stupid decoder ring. i wish that i could somehow... just somehow see how delicate things are... when the message i'm getting is that they are perfectly stable. perhaps i'm just one of those people who is too direct, too straight forward or too logical. i, horror of all horrors, take things literally when people tell me what they want, think or feel. i like to overthink and be impulsive and i've found that it just doesn't work because i'm not a mind reader and truth be known i'm just not that smart. so i've worked hard to let people be what they are, accept what they are giving, wait until the message changes before i jump to conclusions. i thought that was all good stuff... being redemptive or neutral instead of reactive. however... every once in a while i realize about 10 hours too late that i've missed the secret message written in invisible ink and i am left with the pieces of the tower that i didn't even build.
so from now on... if you're looking for a place to dump your expectations, judgment, secret messages, implications and unspoken ideas... you need to do it on your side of the street. those things aren't mine. and it hurts my feelings to know that even when you promise that we're on the same page and i trust you that it could change at a moment's notice. i'm simply not ready for those if, ands, or buts. we have built something so strong and wonderful. i'm surprised that it could be blown over by something that seemed to be so within our realm of what we could together deal with. that uncertainty and that doubt and fear is not about being... that's about doing and i'm definitely not allowed to do that.
also want to say on a dorky side note that today i finally understood arrhenius equation and can solve for the variables and even use the integrated equation. i was proud and kinda nervous.... sometimes success is as scary as failure. i did find it coincidental that the things in the equation seem to apply to my personal situation today. if you'll indulge me (which you will because it's my blog) i'll show you what i found kind of amazing...
the equation is as follows:
k = Ae ^Ea/Rt
where k is the rate constant
A is the frequency factor
Ea is the activation energy
R is a given constant (8.314 J/mol)
and t is the temperature.
so.... now you apply it to life
k is the rate at which interactions take place
A is the frequency at which they successfully occur
Ea is the effort required to make the interaction positive and fruitful
R is the constant or the basis - your personal values, morals and ideals that offer common ground
t is still the temperature but we can use the scale of "cold" to "hot" for "dislike" to "love"
i promise if you start plugging in numbers from your personal life you will find that it works.... because chemistry is not subjective and it is not about decoder rings. it is all about clean science that is logical and perfect and if i could i would only live in that world... because well.... it makes so much sense.
so anyway, the physics of meaning. what things mean and what is said and implied and how things are interpreted and what expectations are built and how fragile they all are when piled end to end in a tower like form. what that means and how gravity, motion, kinetic and potential energy all apply to tower building and misunderstandings that happen by default because we are imperfect and flawed beings. like building a tower to babel those things - the communications that are missed and the laws of the universe that we have created between us - eventually those come clanging down because the language is no longer understood amongst all the communicators.
i'm not sure how to avoid these things. i try time and time again to communicate just as clearly and honestly as i can but i find more often than not that either i fail or i seem to have misplaced my stupid decoder ring. i wish that i could somehow... just somehow see how delicate things are... when the message i'm getting is that they are perfectly stable. perhaps i'm just one of those people who is too direct, too straight forward or too logical. i, horror of all horrors, take things literally when people tell me what they want, think or feel. i like to overthink and be impulsive and i've found that it just doesn't work because i'm not a mind reader and truth be known i'm just not that smart. so i've worked hard to let people be what they are, accept what they are giving, wait until the message changes before i jump to conclusions. i thought that was all good stuff... being redemptive or neutral instead of reactive. however... every once in a while i realize about 10 hours too late that i've missed the secret message written in invisible ink and i am left with the pieces of the tower that i didn't even build.
so from now on... if you're looking for a place to dump your expectations, judgment, secret messages, implications and unspoken ideas... you need to do it on your side of the street. those things aren't mine. and it hurts my feelings to know that even when you promise that we're on the same page and i trust you that it could change at a moment's notice. i'm simply not ready for those if, ands, or buts. we have built something so strong and wonderful. i'm surprised that it could be blown over by something that seemed to be so within our realm of what we could together deal with. that uncertainty and that doubt and fear is not about being... that's about doing and i'm definitely not allowed to do that.
also want to say on a dorky side note that today i finally understood arrhenius equation and can solve for the variables and even use the integrated equation. i was proud and kinda nervous.... sometimes success is as scary as failure. i did find it coincidental that the things in the equation seem to apply to my personal situation today. if you'll indulge me (which you will because it's my blog) i'll show you what i found kind of amazing...
the equation is as follows:
k = Ae ^Ea/Rt
where k is the rate constant
A is the frequency factor
Ea is the activation energy
R is a given constant (8.314 J/mol)
and t is the temperature.
so.... now you apply it to life
k is the rate at which interactions take place
A is the frequency at which they successfully occur
Ea is the effort required to make the interaction positive and fruitful
R is the constant or the basis - your personal values, morals and ideals that offer common ground
t is still the temperature but we can use the scale of "cold" to "hot" for "dislike" to "love"
i promise if you start plugging in numbers from your personal life you will find that it works.... because chemistry is not subjective and it is not about decoder rings. it is all about clean science that is logical and perfect and if i could i would only live in that world... because well.... it makes so much sense.
27 May 2008
schools out for the summer
or indefinitely... i'm not sure on this one.
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it's time that i had some space and time for some personal renovations. in being honest and hopeful about that i have to spend what energy i have on the direction i'm going... and well, it's not been tested by the fda yet so i can't say that it's fit for human consumption.
it's simultaneously a huge deal and not a big deal at all. i'm sure i'll be back blogging soon... in the meantime keep checking out these things:
cover lay down - the best music blog and insight into the relationship between the human soul and the love of music itself
hypem.com - the place to check out new tunes and listen to them online in their whole goodness
this american life - the most amazing thing in the world... true life... real life captured and perfectly painted over the course of an hour
radio lab - mr. science meets this american life... for insightful and intelligent goodness
additionally don't forget to love, save the world, be still and quiet sometimes and as abraham lincoln said..... "whatever you are, be a good one."
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it's time that i had some space and time for some personal renovations. in being honest and hopeful about that i have to spend what energy i have on the direction i'm going... and well, it's not been tested by the fda yet so i can't say that it's fit for human consumption.
it's simultaneously a huge deal and not a big deal at all. i'm sure i'll be back blogging soon... in the meantime keep checking out these things:
cover lay down - the best music blog and insight into the relationship between the human soul and the love of music itself
hypem.com - the place to check out new tunes and listen to them online in their whole goodness
this american life - the most amazing thing in the world... true life... real life captured and perfectly painted over the course of an hour
radio lab - mr. science meets this american life... for insightful and intelligent goodness
additionally don't forget to love, save the world, be still and quiet sometimes and as abraham lincoln said..... "whatever you are, be a good one."
20 May 2008
the chorus of the universe
i was going to write a lot of things tonight.... but i am reminded as i sit down to this very public venue that not everyone likes their life to be read on the web. not everyone likes to throw their emotional guts out there and have others feast on the sweet meats like some internet hannibal lecter enjoying the salty and rawness of fresh destruction and death. so out of respect for the more squeamish i will abide to my first rule and only divulge here what is mine to divulge. i may be a cannibal and a voyeur but i'm not an asshole...
instead of the original post i wrote another post... long and poignant and deeply personal and then realized again that it violates the rules of opening up others to the public living that a daily blog can create... so i had to censure myself again.
in the place of those two things i can only give you this brief something..... something about making mistakes and having the opportunity to be forgiven, something about finding out once and for all what a person you love really (i mean no holding back REALLY) thinks about you, something about deserving that accurate and pointed judgment, something about giving up and then deciding i'd rather give in, something about being flawed and imperfect and finding out that it hasn't changed, something about how if jameson can't fix this cluster fuck i've created we're all in serious trouble, something about anxiety and the restlessness that comes from being on the cusp of failure and success all at once and lastly i was going to write something about the beauty and dichotomy of stark contrasts.
that last subject matter is the only thing i can manage for right now because the rest of it is a rat's nest of stupid emotional rawness that i still haven't had a chance to figure out... do i cut the blue or the red wire? will this shit blow up no matter what i do? this is officially the scariest environment imaginable... but that is not the point.
here my dear friends is the point.....
as my plane glides over clouds, not the puffy ones but the ones that are stretched out and thin as gauze over the landscape, i see beneath me a mountain range. i identified in the landscape the beauty of contrasts - the elusive wonderment in only seeing one thing because you've seen another - light for dark, life for death, love for hate, smooth for rough and internal fulfillment because you've been through the void. i have seen and felt all of those things, sometimes it's all the good ones, or all the bad ones, or in the good moments they come in paced intervals one after another in waves that i can breathe through. stark contrasts illuminate what we want to see and what we like about the picture of ourselves and others. i myself have seen the dark overwhelm me and the light fill me in the space of 2 long days, been loved and honoured and cherished and then discarded in the space of 24 hours and have felt the smooth feeling of flying and then the rough realization that flight is no longer even an option. now i suppose it's up to me to find that ever escaping and twirling and curling mythical beast called fulfillment because if we're all being honest and i don't know why we wouldn't be here... i've seen the void and i'm frustrated and sick to death of it.
funny how different things can come together to say exactly what it is that you've been searching the dictionary of the universe for the chorus to...
instead of the original post i wrote another post... long and poignant and deeply personal and then realized again that it violates the rules of opening up others to the public living that a daily blog can create... so i had to censure myself again.
in the place of those two things i can only give you this brief something..... something about making mistakes and having the opportunity to be forgiven, something about finding out once and for all what a person you love really (i mean no holding back REALLY) thinks about you, something about deserving that accurate and pointed judgment, something about giving up and then deciding i'd rather give in, something about being flawed and imperfect and finding out that it hasn't changed, something about how if jameson can't fix this cluster fuck i've created we're all in serious trouble, something about anxiety and the restlessness that comes from being on the cusp of failure and success all at once and lastly i was going to write something about the beauty and dichotomy of stark contrasts.
that last subject matter is the only thing i can manage for right now because the rest of it is a rat's nest of stupid emotional rawness that i still haven't had a chance to figure out... do i cut the blue or the red wire? will this shit blow up no matter what i do? this is officially the scariest environment imaginable... but that is not the point.
here my dear friends is the point.....
as my plane glides over clouds, not the puffy ones but the ones that are stretched out and thin as gauze over the landscape, i see beneath me a mountain range. i identified in the landscape the beauty of contrasts - the elusive wonderment in only seeing one thing because you've seen another - light for dark, life for death, love for hate, smooth for rough and internal fulfillment because you've been through the void. i have seen and felt all of those things, sometimes it's all the good ones, or all the bad ones, or in the good moments they come in paced intervals one after another in waves that i can breathe through. stark contrasts illuminate what we want to see and what we like about the picture of ourselves and others. i myself have seen the dark overwhelm me and the light fill me in the space of 2 long days, been loved and honoured and cherished and then discarded in the space of 24 hours and have felt the smooth feeling of flying and then the rough realization that flight is no longer even an option. now i suppose it's up to me to find that ever escaping and twirling and curling mythical beast called fulfillment because if we're all being honest and i don't know why we wouldn't be here... i've seen the void and i'm frustrated and sick to death of it.
funny how different things can come together to say exactly what it is that you've been searching the dictionary of the universe for the chorus to...
09 May 2008
clarifications, intentions and allegory
grace potter and the nocturnals - apologies
i find in life that i am often confused about what people's intentions and what the social ramifications are of asking someone point blank: what is it that you intended with that statement / action / attitude?
i'm not being difficult i really don't understand what people are trying to communicate to me. i find that often times my experience is that people seem to have a very bizarre way of making their feelings / wants / thoughts known. they seem to allude to things, be very passive aggressive and say things like "if you want to" when they really mean that THEY want to. they seem to suggest and hint and avoid articulation of anything having to do with logic or clearly expressing what is really going on.
as a result of this they seem to infringe upon my boundaries and my go way beyond my personal comfort level. i'm not saying i'm right, i'm simply saying that in this little square of the world it's the way shit goes down and if i don't get it or i'm uncomfortable or on edge i'm not the best version of myself... in fact i can be down right cranky.
there are a couple of things that are myths about me: that i'm difficult, that i'm outgoing, that i'm purposely didactic about scenarios, feelings and situations. it turns out that 95% of the time i am easy going and easy to get along with - in fact i have very few opinions about day to day things. i do have a list of things that i don't like - people taking liberties with my boundaries, people pushing / bullying / manipulating me, people not listening to what i'm communicating and there is one thing i hate more than anything - being invalidated purposely... you the oh so nice reader might wonder here what i'm talking about so i'm going to break it down to a more basic level.... if you say things like "it's not a big deal" / "don't worry about it" / "don't overthink it" / "i don't think that it a big deal" / "i don't think it's like that" when i've expressed that it's important to me or beyond my comfort level or that something is making me angry. yes, those innocuous phrases that people throw around like bad beer commercial quotes... yes, those simple phrases that are meant to lighten things up or avoid the point. they are invalidating and hurtful and upsetting and leave me feeling like i can't relate. often i find that my frustration at being invalid, hurt and isolated is anger. i don't like to feel angry. i don't like any of it. i don't even want to be a part of it.
now the second part of this which is that i'm not great at conflict. in the heat of the moment i have two conflict styles: avoidance and anger. if i'm given time to process the information isolate the source of my discomfort and figure out the logical solution i can communicate quite well. in fact given that opportunity i'm a damn good communicator. so i know that this is also inconvenient... i know that in this world of instant gratification, reality television and online shopping it seems that i could maybe move into the new millenium and speed things up but i'll be honest... when it comes to conflict i'm back in approximately 1826. yeah, i know it's fucked up. i have conflict resolution skills circa 1826 ... maybe 1835 on a good day. and the even more important thing is that it's not about the other person. it's about my own shit. and yeah, i'm working on it. and yeah, it's easy to analyze and talk about here but i only get a chance to practice when i'm in conflict and i find that it's not the best time to experiment with outcomes. further more... it's probably a good time to admit that these are the secondary skills cuz the first ones were ones that i had before $15000 in therapy.
moreover, i think it's important for everyone to understand that i'm not doing that because i like to be difficult in that way - it's a personality defect. i realize that it's a lot to ask for.... that small courtesy... to not be inconsiderate, to validate other people and to understand that sometimes i need a minute. do i expect that eventually it will get to a point where these things aren't true? abso-fucking-lutely. but in the meantime try to work with me people... geez...
i find in life that i am often confused about what people's intentions and what the social ramifications are of asking someone point blank: what is it that you intended with that statement / action / attitude?
i'm not being difficult i really don't understand what people are trying to communicate to me. i find that often times my experience is that people seem to have a very bizarre way of making their feelings / wants / thoughts known. they seem to allude to things, be very passive aggressive and say things like "if you want to" when they really mean that THEY want to. they seem to suggest and hint and avoid articulation of anything having to do with logic or clearly expressing what is really going on.
as a result of this they seem to infringe upon my boundaries and my go way beyond my personal comfort level. i'm not saying i'm right, i'm simply saying that in this little square of the world it's the way shit goes down and if i don't get it or i'm uncomfortable or on edge i'm not the best version of myself... in fact i can be down right cranky.
there are a couple of things that are myths about me: that i'm difficult, that i'm outgoing, that i'm purposely didactic about scenarios, feelings and situations. it turns out that 95% of the time i am easy going and easy to get along with - in fact i have very few opinions about day to day things. i do have a list of things that i don't like - people taking liberties with my boundaries, people pushing / bullying / manipulating me, people not listening to what i'm communicating and there is one thing i hate more than anything - being invalidated purposely... you the oh so nice reader might wonder here what i'm talking about so i'm going to break it down to a more basic level.... if you say things like "it's not a big deal" / "don't worry about it" / "don't overthink it" / "i don't think that it a big deal" / "i don't think it's like that" when i've expressed that it's important to me or beyond my comfort level or that something is making me angry. yes, those innocuous phrases that people throw around like bad beer commercial quotes... yes, those simple phrases that are meant to lighten things up or avoid the point. they are invalidating and hurtful and upsetting and leave me feeling like i can't relate. often i find that my frustration at being invalid, hurt and isolated is anger. i don't like to feel angry. i don't like any of it. i don't even want to be a part of it.
now the second part of this which is that i'm not great at conflict. in the heat of the moment i have two conflict styles: avoidance and anger. if i'm given time to process the information isolate the source of my discomfort and figure out the logical solution i can communicate quite well. in fact given that opportunity i'm a damn good communicator. so i know that this is also inconvenient... i know that in this world of instant gratification, reality television and online shopping it seems that i could maybe move into the new millenium and speed things up but i'll be honest... when it comes to conflict i'm back in approximately 1826. yeah, i know it's fucked up. i have conflict resolution skills circa 1826 ... maybe 1835 on a good day. and the even more important thing is that it's not about the other person. it's about my own shit. and yeah, i'm working on it. and yeah, it's easy to analyze and talk about here but i only get a chance to practice when i'm in conflict and i find that it's not the best time to experiment with outcomes. further more... it's probably a good time to admit that these are the secondary skills cuz the first ones were ones that i had before $15000 in therapy.
moreover, i think it's important for everyone to understand that i'm not doing that because i like to be difficult in that way - it's a personality defect. i realize that it's a lot to ask for.... that small courtesy... to not be inconsiderate, to validate other people and to understand that sometimes i need a minute. do i expect that eventually it will get to a point where these things aren't true? abso-fucking-lutely. but in the meantime try to work with me people... geez...
06 May 2008
a note in my notebook
i am under no circumstances allowed to watch the notebook again.
seriously. it's not good for me.
tonight i watched the notebook and had an existential crisis about what it all means and where i'm going in my life. i used all three of my most recent favorite analogies while trying to cope:
1. it's all chemistry. whether it's good chemistry or bad chemistry it all looks the same. the only way you know whether the chemistry has created pure oxygen or a noxious gas that will kill you is to breathe it in. you can't judge something by the way it looks but you should over time stop mixing the same chemicals if it turns out to be toxic.
2. my relationship history is sort of like a carousel. i'm not really going anywhere and i keep getting on the same horse after forgetting that i rode it two times before. i'm tired of going round and round and up and down.
3. my issues are like an overpacked disorganized garage. sometimes i need to get something out and i get frustrated that it's so cluttered and so i want to get it all sorted out. sometimes i need to take someone into the garage and i get embarrassed about all the shit i'm keeping in there. either way it's not being used for what it's meant to be used for... i'm not keeping a car in there. i'm simply using it for storage of old crap.
i realize that none of those have the full appeal that they do when i explain them in person and none of them sound really insightful. i also realize that they are all sadly true.
seriously. it's not good for me.
tonight i watched the notebook and had an existential crisis about what it all means and where i'm going in my life. i used all three of my most recent favorite analogies while trying to cope:
1. it's all chemistry. whether it's good chemistry or bad chemistry it all looks the same. the only way you know whether the chemistry has created pure oxygen or a noxious gas that will kill you is to breathe it in. you can't judge something by the way it looks but you should over time stop mixing the same chemicals if it turns out to be toxic.
2. my relationship history is sort of like a carousel. i'm not really going anywhere and i keep getting on the same horse after forgetting that i rode it two times before. i'm tired of going round and round and up and down.
3. my issues are like an overpacked disorganized garage. sometimes i need to get something out and i get frustrated that it's so cluttered and so i want to get it all sorted out. sometimes i need to take someone into the garage and i get embarrassed about all the shit i'm keeping in there. either way it's not being used for what it's meant to be used for... i'm not keeping a car in there. i'm simply using it for storage of old crap.
i realize that none of those have the full appeal that they do when i explain them in person and none of them sound really insightful. i also realize that they are all sadly true.
23 January 2008
okay... so i think it's called a retraction
now we all know that i am not allowed to retract anything that i said on my blog... because well it dishonours the moment and gives me the power to make it seem as if i'm perfect and always have the answers. i always want to honour the moment, have integrity with my words and actions, respect the interactions, admit that i am not perfect and i do not have all of the answers... and so tonight i must admit that my blog last night "not like peas and carrots" may have been completely crazy, off base and somewhat skewed in it's perspective. i guess the good news is that i'm grown up enough to admit it.
here is what is real and true... (in a nutshell)... i have a past, present and future. i get up everyday and forgive myself for yesterday and commit to the big three - respect, honour and integrity and try to live the best life that i can. some days i succeed and some days i lean more towards being in the red as far as success goes. my greatest hope is that at some point i will have the people in my life that are blessings and i will have grown past the people that are a burden on me, that i will be able to trade in gold in every interaction regardless of who i'm interacting with, that i will be able to communicate my thoughts and feelings kindly with clear words and a pure heart, that i will continue to be a great parent and a great friend and lastly but certainly not least that i will achieve the goals of success i have set for myself.
yesterday was a difficult communication day. i was not the best version of myself and i am so very grateful that i have a friend that will forgive me for that. for speaking out of uncertainty or speaking on impulse i am sorry... the things i said about peas and carrots were not really about our situation but about what i am afraid of. as you so eloquently said tonight "we're smarter than that" and you're right...
i found this amazing bit of wordiness today and enjoyed it immensely:
Get wisdom, get understanding: forget it not; neither decline from the words of my mouth. Forsake her not, and she shall preserve thee: love her, and she shall keep thee. Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding. Exalt her, and she shall promote thee: she shall bring thee to honour, when thou dost embrace her. She shall give to thine head an ornament of grace: a crown of glory shall she deliver to thee.
I suppose that is all we're ALL looking for... wisdom that we can hold on to and cherish... something that will preserve us, give understanding, promote us to our full potential, bring us to the honour and grace that is rightfully ours and deliver us... from ourselves.
also i'd like to note that the following lyrics by gordon lightfoot are fucking genius:
"When you reach the part where the heartaches come
The hero would be me
But heroes often fail
And you wont read that book again
Because the endings just too hard to take."
in all fairness heroes do often fail.... and the ending is sometimes hard to take... unless you happen to be jay or rollins and then your last feeling fell out of you onto the sidewalk where you poked it with a stick until it broke into two and then you threw it at the stupid bitch rollins used to date because she was fucking insane and we hated her... and then it's not hard to take at all. the only thing hard to take around there is less shots....
22 January 2008
not like peas and carrots...
two things that do NOT go together (unlike peas and carrots which are a lovely mix) are watching 50 first dates on the muted television while having an active conversation about how you are still not the carry on bag type of girl. that analogy may be lost on some readers so we'll dig that story out of our collection... ah yes, filed in between 'the girl crazy' and 'are you fucking kidding me'. yep. it's right here. now just dust it off and here it goes:
the washington boy, emma and i were once on a flight to and from places which are now irrelevant in the scheme of things. he became upset during said flight and after some prodding revealed what his concern was... it was quite simple really.... it seems that after some deep thought he had realized that he was a carry on bag kinda guy and i was a checked luggage kinda girl. what a perfect fucking metaphor for our relationship and many other relationships. needless to say he and i had started to see the beginning of the end... long story short fucking great story that ends the same as most of the rest of the stories i've amassed over the years. he wasn't in love with me. they never are. for awhile i thought it was me... but now i've just decided that there is something seriously wrong with men.... but i digress.
so tonight i got to have that conversation all over again while watching a movie that i think is funny and sweet and just great. i can sum up the two hour chat with some pretty easy bullet points:
- i'm great. (yes. we all know i'm fabulous... just ask me. i'll tell you)
- i have baggage.
- i have a past.
- in the end all things being laid on the table the fabulous simply is not enough.
- don't forget the great and ever fucking hopeful but what if... uh huh but what if... if relationship or love what ifs were dollar bills i'd be one rich fabulous girl.
additionally it's made somewhat easier by the fact that i logically predicted this outcome. not only did i predict this outcome but this was a conversation that in all rational situations could have been avoided... just as a side note don't ever tell someone that you have already decided there is no way you would ever a relationship with all the reasons WHY... what the fuck is the point? it's a stupid and hurtful conversation to get into with no purpose.
great! that narrows it down and i can go sell fabulous elsewhere.
13 January 2008
tori amos witnesses another crushing defeat of my certainty... luckily her and i have hiked out of this fucking canyon before
for your viewing / reading / listening pleasure. for a long long time i've wanted to take lyrics from tori amos song and makes plates / cups with the words inscribed in circles. i've also thought of painting these lyrics on walls and making framed pictures with just the words cut out of newspaper. the obsession may have gone a little far even for me... and i'm a girl content with my obsessions. the only thing worth mentioning about today is that i had a chance to see my family, a chance to spend time with two of my best friends, lost a hard drive - maxtor 3200 with all my data on it rest in peace, a chance to have a few good phone conversations and then at the end of the day when i should have been preparing for my interviews tomorrow and thinking about how everything in my life is moving forward at a nice steady positive pace i was shot down. i suppose in fairness i have been too happy lately... too content... too certain that my life was on a good path. i was due for a little shit. so i cried. i cried really hard. so it sucked. we all know that this is just how things end some days no matter how awesome the beginning is. luckily i had the piece of mind to put together my tori montage, mmmmm. tori amos and the fucking canyon of crazy / emerson hole of defeat / dragon to slay in my own backyard. i might need an intervention in a few days. more tomorrow.
We've all been Pushed Too far
I guess on days like this
you know who your friends are
And I'm down to Your last cigarette and
this "We are one" crap as you're invading
This thing you call Love
Sure you talk the talk when you need to
She's afraid of the light in the dark
6:58 are you sure where my spark is
She's convinced she could hold back a glacier
But she couldn't keep Baby alive
Doubting if there's a woman in there somewhere
Yes my loyalties turned
These precious things
Let them bleed
Let them wash away
These precious things
Let them break their hold over me
I wanna smash the faces
Of those beautiful boys
Those christian boys
So you can make me cum
That doesnt make you jesus
Cause sometimes
I said sometimes
I hear my voice
And it's been here
Silent All These Years
Years go by
Will I still be waiting
For somebody else to understand
Years go by
Will I choke on my tears
Till finally there is nothing left
One more casualty
You know we're too easy Easy Easy
I hear a voice you must learn to stand up for yourself
Cause I cant always be around
He says when you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
11 December 2007
does this make me a double agent?
so i'm going to let the general public in on a few secrets and it may make me a double agent... or a whistle blower... or just an asshole... all of which i am completely comfortable with.
next let's get down to business and then relate it back to you and me... because in fairness that's what we do here. i talk about me and you read and see if you agree or disagree with my words. i get the big box because i made the page and you get the small box to say whatever else you would like. i think that's pretty fair.
so the truth of the matter is that women, girls, females, members of the species with vaginas and boobs are crazy. they crawl down into this canyon called the canyon of crazy and then they cry about things that are not logical. sometimes they can't help it - it's a hormonal thing or they are having a moment of stress. just like when boys, men or members of the species with penises say really stupid insensitive things... you don't mean it and we try to forgive you. i hope no one reading this is surprised about these statements... and save your comments about how you are the exception to the rule because there is no exception to the rule. honestly. this broad generalization includes even me. now i know you are shocked that i am not perfect. i know you are surprised that i don't have a track record of perfect actions, thoughts and behaviours. yeah. i know. i'm disappointed too. so are my parents.
so my particular brand of crazy... which i've spent years working through with a laundry list of not very qualified therapists, boyfriends that hurt as much as they helped, friends that listened and had no answers for me... since they're all crazy too and lastly a weird mix of strangers and acquaintances that happened to see or be involved in my climb into or out of the canyon of crazy.... anyway, my particular brand is an especially nasty version... and every once in a awhile it pops up it's ugly dragon head.
sometimes i'm even filled with the urge to drunk dial in the middle of the night or write long blogs disclosing all of my problems and issues and the roots of them... sometimes like right now when i am five drinks into my snow bound evening in kearney, nebraska i actually get a twinge of an emotion i don't have much experience with and i certainly don't understand... envy. (different than jealousy mind you...) on that note i will leave you with this little nugget of awesomeness:
next let's get down to business and then relate it back to you and me... because in fairness that's what we do here. i talk about me and you read and see if you agree or disagree with my words. i get the big box because i made the page and you get the small box to say whatever else you would like. i think that's pretty fair.
so the truth of the matter is that women, girls, females, members of the species with vaginas and boobs are crazy. they crawl down into this canyon called the canyon of crazy and then they cry about things that are not logical. sometimes they can't help it - it's a hormonal thing or they are having a moment of stress. just like when boys, men or members of the species with penises say really stupid insensitive things... you don't mean it and we try to forgive you. i hope no one reading this is surprised about these statements... and save your comments about how you are the exception to the rule because there is no exception to the rule. honestly. this broad generalization includes even me. now i know you are shocked that i am not perfect. i know you are surprised that i don't have a track record of perfect actions, thoughts and behaviours. yeah. i know. i'm disappointed too. so are my parents.
so my particular brand of crazy... which i've spent years working through with a laundry list of not very qualified therapists, boyfriends that hurt as much as they helped, friends that listened and had no answers for me... since they're all crazy too and lastly a weird mix of strangers and acquaintances that happened to see or be involved in my climb into or out of the canyon of crazy.... anyway, my particular brand is an especially nasty version... and every once in a awhile it pops up it's ugly dragon head.
sometimes i'm even filled with the urge to drunk dial in the middle of the night or write long blogs disclosing all of my problems and issues and the roots of them... sometimes like right now when i am five drinks into my snow bound evening in kearney, nebraska i actually get a twinge of an emotion i don't have much experience with and i certainly don't understand... envy. (different than jealousy mind you...) on that note i will leave you with this little nugget of awesomeness:
14 November 2007
adventures, balls, courts and hindsight
as per my new "usual" i have added some music for your listening pleasure below... it is the shins - australia off of their new (new, amazing and brillant album) it should provide the soundtrack to the story that follows. just a hint for those that like to be up on all the "ins and outs" of these sort of things.... the music is nice to listen to, each is a song that i currently love and the LYRICS or the lyric meanings (or what the mean to me) often reexplain what i say in a more concrete way.... or less of a concrete way. perhaps i'm being too self indulgent. just start listening and reading and lets see how it all goes....
once upon a time there was a girl. really she wasn't a girl... she was in her early thirties but she liked to pretend as we all do that time wasn't aging her. in all honesty it's sort of silly when we all know how old she is but sometimes people do silly things in fairy tales. anyway there was this girl and she had baggage. not just one matching set but bags she had picked up from her travels and her adventures. it all kind of looked like luggage that you would find in thrift stores and on the corner. sometimes when you cart baggage around from place to place it starts to wear at the edges. so it wasn't pretty baggage and it wasn't new baggage.
in the spring of this year she met this great guy... we won't call him a prince because we hesitate to objectify males in such a way and weigh him down with such expectations as saving someone and riding a horse and other silly things. so she meets this guy and they find that they sort of, kind of like each other. well the truth is that the girl is never sure how the guy feels but she knows she is crazy about him. crazy about him in a way that doesn't make sense sometimes. she waits to see if he will call or if he will write. she reads everything he writes twice and she thinks about it... really thinks about it. he challenges her and makes her think about being the person she always thought she could be.
like any tale there is the part where the two have something that they have to overcome... i think it's called plot but we won't get all specific and technical here. so the girl realizes how she feels, she realizes that the guy is wonderful and suddenly... inexplicably she feels like she can't possibly make a real effort with what she has - the non-matching baggage and some deep rooted fears of commitment and if we're all being honest with each other we could say that she felt deeply that she needed some serious saving and in this day and age we can't expect a guy to do that kind of heavy lifted etc... not this guy anyway. to be absolutely frank with you... he's pretty much above such things. really he's great. so she (the girl) does something stupid and immature and selfish and just kind of disconnects. i know, i know. we're not judging her... we're just saying... com'on... and then the guy as anyone would do when faced with this sort of bullshit walks away and doesn't look back. (we call that move pulling the rip cord and it was entirely appropriate on his part).
then time passes... if you want to visualize it you can imagine a summer of long days and sunsets filled with green trees and glassy oceans then a move into a more mundane setting in the midwest with autumn making it's presence known. you can continue to imagine that the girl tries the best she can in this time passing montage thingy to sort herself out. save herself if you will... which is what girls these days do. she throws out some of her baggage. she faces some of it head on... those collisions weren't the prettiest. she gets over what she can and deals with what she can't. and all the time she thinks of him.
so here we are in the tale. and the girl has done what she can to sort herself out and the guy has run (again... with good reason). now the girl sends an email out there. she puts it out there the best she can and hopes against hope that it has a happy ending. doesn't everyone want to see the tale end happily? who wants an unhappy ending...
i suppose i'll have to keep you posted. i suppose we'll all have to see together how the tale ends. and the up side is that no matter what .... she got a clue and some much needed perspective. lessons learned and taken in to make changes for the better are never bad lessons... they may sting... they may become cautionary tales but they are to be respected and valued no matter what.
once upon a time there was a girl. really she wasn't a girl... she was in her early thirties but she liked to pretend as we all do that time wasn't aging her. in all honesty it's sort of silly when we all know how old she is but sometimes people do silly things in fairy tales. anyway there was this girl and she had baggage. not just one matching set but bags she had picked up from her travels and her adventures. it all kind of looked like luggage that you would find in thrift stores and on the corner. sometimes when you cart baggage around from place to place it starts to wear at the edges. so it wasn't pretty baggage and it wasn't new baggage.
in the spring of this year she met this great guy... we won't call him a prince because we hesitate to objectify males in such a way and weigh him down with such expectations as saving someone and riding a horse and other silly things. so she meets this guy and they find that they sort of, kind of like each other. well the truth is that the girl is never sure how the guy feels but she knows she is crazy about him. crazy about him in a way that doesn't make sense sometimes. she waits to see if he will call or if he will write. she reads everything he writes twice and she thinks about it... really thinks about it. he challenges her and makes her think about being the person she always thought she could be.
like any tale there is the part where the two have something that they have to overcome... i think it's called plot but we won't get all specific and technical here. so the girl realizes how she feels, she realizes that the guy is wonderful and suddenly... inexplicably she feels like she can't possibly make a real effort with what she has - the non-matching baggage and some deep rooted fears of commitment and if we're all being honest with each other we could say that she felt deeply that she needed some serious saving and in this day and age we can't expect a guy to do that kind of heavy lifted etc... not this guy anyway. to be absolutely frank with you... he's pretty much above such things. really he's great. so she (the girl) does something stupid and immature and selfish and just kind of disconnects. i know, i know. we're not judging her... we're just saying... com'on... and then the guy as anyone would do when faced with this sort of bullshit walks away and doesn't look back. (we call that move pulling the rip cord and it was entirely appropriate on his part).
then time passes... if you want to visualize it you can imagine a summer of long days and sunsets filled with green trees and glassy oceans then a move into a more mundane setting in the midwest with autumn making it's presence known. you can continue to imagine that the girl tries the best she can in this time passing montage thingy to sort herself out. save herself if you will... which is what girls these days do. she throws out some of her baggage. she faces some of it head on... those collisions weren't the prettiest. she gets over what she can and deals with what she can't. and all the time she thinks of him.
so here we are in the tale. and the girl has done what she can to sort herself out and the guy has run (again... with good reason). now the girl sends an email out there. she puts it out there the best she can and hopes against hope that it has a happy ending. doesn't everyone want to see the tale end happily? who wants an unhappy ending...
i suppose i'll have to keep you posted. i suppose we'll all have to see together how the tale ends. and the up side is that no matter what .... she got a clue and some much needed perspective. lessons learned and taken in to make changes for the better are never bad lessons... they may sting... they may become cautionary tales but they are to be respected and valued no matter what.
11 November 2007
sunrise to sunset to reality and seeing the truth
just get this little video started and then you can listen to it while reading and then it will all make sense except that nothing fucking makes sense anymore. i can't seem to get it together or keep it together. if there is an edge i am there. just another sunrise, sunset....
how do feel? how are things? how are things going? what's going on? what's up?
fuck. i'm so sick of it. i'm so sick of talking about it. i'm so fucking sick of all of it. i don't know what to say anymore. i don't know how to explain it all it's fucking complicated. have you ever lived a passive aggressive person? has someone you loved said...'fine.. don't worry about it then... i'll just have to do it... i thought you would just do it __________' (fill in the stupid blank with any of the following words: right, quickly, better, because you owe me everything because i'm a manipulative and passive aggressive) i don't know how long i can go on failing at everything and being judged for everything and having to hold it all together. i'm thinking about never returning another phone call again simply because i'm too tired to be upbeat and positive anymore. i'm thinking about ceasing to exist. i'm thinking about disappearing into the horizon or oblivion or whatever i can find. i wish i could sleep like i did in connecticut at the chester house. i haven't slept that good in years. i wish i could just have a few drinks and listen to other people talk and forget about everything else. and i'm supposed to see the connecticut boys again soon but part of me doesn't even want to go... it's fucking pointless because i'll have to come back again. i'll have to feel this way again. i'll have to miss them again.
do you ever think about the minutes between daylight and night. the moments of sunsets and dusk? the stolen moments that are gifts at the end of the day? colored in reflected bright colors simply because there is nothing else it could be... those are stolen moments in each day and mostly i love them. these days though there is no time between daylight and night. here in wisconisin it goes from light to dark instantly. it's a good fucking thing. i could bear any more moments packed into the days i already have to be awake for.
now... you can listen to this little gem from death cab for cutie. if music didn't exist i'd be lost completely.
how do feel? how are things? how are things going? what's going on? what's up?
fuck. i'm so sick of it. i'm so sick of talking about it. i'm so fucking sick of all of it. i don't know what to say anymore. i don't know how to explain it all it's fucking complicated. have you ever lived a passive aggressive person? has someone you loved said...'fine.. don't worry about it then... i'll just have to do it... i thought you would just do it __________' (fill in the stupid blank with any of the following words: right, quickly, better, because you owe me everything because i'm a manipulative and passive aggressive) i don't know how long i can go on failing at everything and being judged for everything and having to hold it all together. i'm thinking about never returning another phone call again simply because i'm too tired to be upbeat and positive anymore. i'm thinking about ceasing to exist. i'm thinking about disappearing into the horizon or oblivion or whatever i can find. i wish i could sleep like i did in connecticut at the chester house. i haven't slept that good in years. i wish i could just have a few drinks and listen to other people talk and forget about everything else. and i'm supposed to see the connecticut boys again soon but part of me doesn't even want to go... it's fucking pointless because i'll have to come back again. i'll have to feel this way again. i'll have to miss them again.
do you ever think about the minutes between daylight and night. the moments of sunsets and dusk? the stolen moments that are gifts at the end of the day? colored in reflected bright colors simply because there is nothing else it could be... those are stolen moments in each day and mostly i love them. these days though there is no time between daylight and night. here in wisconisin it goes from light to dark instantly. it's a good fucking thing. i could bear any more moments packed into the days i already have to be awake for.
now... you can listen to this little gem from death cab for cutie. if music didn't exist i'd be lost completely.
25 October 2007
literally and metaphorically
just in case you are wondering where i am literally and metaphorically i think this little clip should give some idea. first things first... cold war kids... amazing.... found them through stoney who made me possible the best mixed cds i've ever had the privilege of receiving. a work of art. really just amazing and their song 'hang me out to dry' was stuck on replay for so so long. now of course there has to be more... so i go looking for more and love all of it. if you haven't listened to them please don't waste another second of your life... seriously... it's imperative. sit yourself down and have a fucking intervention. second... yes, things here are okay... yes i am surviving... the new haircut helped... perhaps the song can give you a little insight about how the hell things are... my least favourite phrase explains it all - it is what it is.
just a side note "if you will..." is my new favourite phrase.... and i think the perfect answer to it is either i totally will or i would but at this point in time i just can't....
anyway listen to the kickass music and love love love the cold war kids.
just a side note "if you will..." is my new favourite phrase.... and i think the perfect answer to it is either i totally will or i would but at this point in time i just can't....
anyway listen to the kickass music and love love love the cold war kids.
15 September 2007
fuck it... it's not positive self talk but it's something i'm positive about
i’ve had a surprisingly bad day. i don’t think i’ve had a day this bad in a few years. perhaps awful would be the best descriptive word. i suppose it’s neither here nor there how i describe the facts or what glaze i put over the feelings. times like these i feel isolated. these are the days where it takes everything i have not to start down the slippery slope… i want to smoke at least 6 times an hour, i want to open the two bottles of wine in the cupboard (not at once… one after another like a civilized person), i want to go running at 11:30 at night, i want to pack my things and run away. mentally, physically,emotionally i want to fucking check out. it is taking every ounce of concentration for me to remain where i am. it takes every ounce of effort to put on the front that everything is fine… which i’m sure it is. it’s fine. it’s all completely fine.
today i saw four blue heron. i’m not sure how much most people watch the world and their surroundings but the chance to sit still and watch heron is rare. they are amazing birds with big graceful wings that glide them effortlessly into sweeping circles before they land. it reminds me of
it’s true. life is simple. i try to give the people i love my whole heart and friendship without judgment and qualifiers. i sometimes feel hurt when my policy of non-judgment and honesty is met with anger or frustration. i sometimes feel confused when my policy of forgiveness is met with the greediness of a child and seen as an opportunity to continue to be hurtful or irresponsible. i rarely feel surprised when those things happen… and that is the part that makes me tired. so tired that i can’t sleep. so tired that even explaining these words would be too much.
perhaps tomorrow i will feel better. i certainly hope so… because the slope is steep and slippery and i’ve already been there and climbed back up. i’m too tired to do it again.
just in case that is too obscure for everyone here are the lyrics... you won't even have to watch the fancy video talking box...
The smell of your skin lingers on me now
You're probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
To be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
The path that I'm walking
I must go alone
I must take the baby steps 'til I'm full grown, full grown
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Like the little school mates in the school yard
We'll play jacks and uno cards
I'll be your best friend and you'll be mine Valentine
Yes you can hold my hand if you want to
'Cause I want to hold yours too
We'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds
But it's time for me to go home
It's getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
18 August 2007
day 2 post freak out...
“i’m sinking to the bottom of everything that freaks me out” – blue october
i woke up this morning and realized that although lonely is the first word that would come to mind when discussing missing someone that it’s not lonely at all. lonely like jealousy isn’t an emotion it’s false currency built on insecurities and fueled by fear… they are two things i simply don't deal in.
once or twice in my life i have had the joy in my life of finding someone with whom i can look straight in the eye and be completely transparent. they see my thoughts or my emotions. in that instant of recognition there is relief, joy and there is panic. that combination of those three emotions is an intoxicant stronger than any man made substance.
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