april fools.... sorta

before you go any further you have to listen to THIS song. yep. just right click on the word this... not the one i just said but the one in all caps right above (sort of) this sentence. it's a fucking gem i found on my FAVOURITE MUSIC BLOG OF ALL TIME - Cover Lay Down. no really it's my favourite... it's in all caps for god's sake and yes i'm yelling it. i'm saying aloud that it's everything i've ever wanted in a music blog... funny, ironic, insightful and poignant along with having a wonderful collection of cover songs. you can right click on the all caps version of - favourite music blog of all time a couple of sentences above and be transported into awesomeville.


there are times in my life where i expect ashton kutcher to seriously jump out of my stupid closet and yell - you've been punk'd. i keep hoping but it never happens. i had hope tonight that the crazy shit going on was some elaborate april fools day joke (we all know i would totally deserve it but we'll leave that story for another time). needless to say it's not a joke. i suppose as a result all i can do at this point (yeah i said it cody... at THIS point) is be grateful for the blessings in my life and move forward.

and there are blessings, there are great things, there are so many things that i have to be grateful for.... and forward is always good... it's better than backward.

that being said... happy april fools day.

clarification...

i rarely go back and explain myself... i rarely think i need to. i kinda figure that if people don't get it then they just don't get it and i'll be honest... i may be a little too okay with that. perhaps that's elitist or whatever... i don't mean it to be that way i'm just that far into what i'm saying... it is after all my blog and my wavelength and my life. for better or worse it's all mine.

but tonight when i checked my email i got a note that said my last blog sounded angry - no not the one about being sick but the one about chicken noodle soup for the crotch.... and so i'd like to spend a moment or two to extrapolate.

angry? no. it's contemplative and despite what it appears written in prose - i was actually quite proud of that, the rhyme and rhythym and rise and fall, it has a pattern of lines and of words and if i took the time to break it out as it should be viewed or as it formed in my head that might be more apparent. if you look around you might find that a lot of my writing has hidden little allusions to poetry in them. i also loved that it starts and ends with the same thought process. it's stream of consciousness writing about the struggle and conflict that comes with the dichotomy of loving someone and disliking them in the same moment. it's about regret born of choices before i was aware enough of myself to know about choices and regrets - because everything up until then had sort of happened to me... i had never happened to anyone or anything. it's about the grey area that hearts and minds and personalities get into when there are no black / white / lines delineated before us. it's about offering an olive branch of open communication using the last known method of viable communication tactics. it's about putting everything out there in the universe - the good, the bad and the emotionally raw in the earnest hope that somehow once everyone is on the same page that something positive can come from it.

so in response.... angry? no....

trust me. you'll know when i'm angry.

it's not as fun as ferris bueller's day off

the only awesome thing about being sick right now is getting to watch 8 movies in 2 days and stay in bed and have an excuse to embrace slothiness. it's not as fun as ferris bueller's day off.

that being said... i'm going to finally finish watching the darjeeling limited. i think wes anderson's genius is potentially the most underappreciated of our day. that could be hyperbole. i'm really not sure. i do know he's fucking awesome.

chicken noodle soup for the crotch...

remember that time we were driving down the street and you said your cousin's crotch smelled like chicken noodle soup and i shot mountain dew slurpee out of my nose? remember when this kind of punk rock was the new indy rock and i had cds burned from your collection? remember when we were friends and we respected each other and i couldn't imagine ever not loving you? remember when my life got shitty... the bottom dropped out and i felt safe with you and trusted you? remember how i was always your biggest fan - always saying how fucking cool you were, how great your bands were and how awesome your latest girlfriend was? remember how things used to be?

remember how we had a baby and all that good shit stopped? yeah. me too. and sometimes like today it still takes me by surprise. i'm still shocked and hurt and fucking angry that we can't just seem to get along because i believe with all my heart that we're still those 25 year old kids that really do like and respect each other. i mean we have three common goals - your happiness, my happiness and em's happiness. how hard can shit be? how fucking hard? really? cuz in my heart of hearts i believe it should just be easy.

i mean maybe i'm fucking out of it. maybe i don't know shit anymore because i have a real job and commitment issues and i found a grey hair the other day. maybe all the cool funny shit i was ever going to say or do has already been done. perhaps i was never really that cool or funny to begin with. maybe i'm just fucking stupid and i'm missing something - the something that says we should scream at each other like we did today and i should hate you and wish that we had never moved here. maybe i don't get it and this is what is supposed to be going on but i'll be honest man.... i don't think i'm out of it. i think i know some pretty important shit and i'm still cool and funny and now i'm more wise and more compassionate and i have worked so hard to be a good person and a good mom and a balanced human being. and i think you're funny and kind and a great dad and i think somewhere inside you.. you're still the guy that i cared about and respected and admired and even loved.

yeah, i don't think i'm wrong and if we're being honest and i'm past the throwing shit red faced angry phase i can admit that i don't think you're wrong either. i just think we stopped recognizing that we have those common goals. i think it can be easier. i think it will get better. i think that 12 weeks is a fucking blink in our relationship and a short minute in the big picture. i think that eventually we'll figure it all out... but i hope for all of our sakes that it's before we get beyond the point where we can have a civil conversation.

because since i'm being honest i'll admit that i thought we were going to be friends when i moved back. i thought that we'd like bbq at each other's houses and laugh about shit and i would love the new girls in your life and we'd find that although it's been a hard road we're pretty fucking lucky - shit could be worse. yeah, i really dreamt that piece of shit up and believed it. hook line and sinker. yeah, i realize it's childish and simplistic and fucking lame. i realize that i was fooling myself. i mean fuck... shit can't be worse than it got today and i don't want to be friends anymore.

how did we get here? cuz it seems that just yesterday we were in mesa taking pictures of all the signs with our holgas, going to shows, talking on the phone, eating out together almost every night and laughing about everything. it seems like just yesterday that we were driving down the street and you said your cousin's crotch smelled like chicken noodle soup and i shot mountain dew slurpee out of my nose.

the light of the moon leads the way towards the mornin'

if you haven't listened to this song at least 50 times in a row in your life recently then fucking start right now. no really. start right now. oh and listen to the other ones too... yeah i know they may have appeared in other blogs... maybe everyone didn't listen hard enough and get the underlying meaning.

yeah, i know i haven't been around. uh huh. i totally know. and i'd love to have some excuse to give but i don't and you're not the boss of me anyway. i seem to do that sometimes... sometimes life itself becomes too hectic and i have to take a break from myself and therefore a break from you.

i'm going to come back with some heavy shit. i'm giving it a 100% tonight... because well there is no point in giving shit 15% and there is no fucking such thing as a 150%. seriously people. i shouldn't have to explain this shit to you - and while you're wrapping your heads around that then rid your vocabularies of irregardless (it pisses me off to even type it), eXpecially or egspecially (it's especially - really... i promise it is... don't be stupid or annoying just say it right have some self respect), also read a paper and have an opinion and have a life - get yourself out there. yes you. you reading the latest piece of shit blog by the girl that you think you know really well... pick up the wall street journal or the new york times instead... better yet read the herald tribune or an international paper of repute where the columnists and journalists actually know what objectivity is and have their heads out of their asses. it will change your life. it will give you new perspective. and really what is the world without change and perspective?

i've built a whole life on those things - tearing down the past and everything i thought i knew and building it all again from scratch. i'm not afraid to fail. i'm not afraid to be wrong. i'm not afraid to appear foolish or even ridiculous. i'm afraid of a lot of things but those things are not among them. i have tried this year to start at the beginning again - to equal and steady the foundation in hopes that once i had a firm place to start i could build something that didn't resemble the leaning tower of pisa. i'm still in the process of that.

i have so much more to say but unfortunately it will have to come in bits and pieces.... i don't want to spoil the surprise ending for everyone quite yet... we're all still in suspense as to how it will all work out... in the meantime see the blog below this one and for god's sake fucking do something about it. seriously get off your asses and change the world please.... i'm sick to death of people that can't seem to understand their own importance in the scheme of things - the big scheme of things - the universal scheme of things. yes you. you are important and you can make a difference.... one person... one voice... maybe that voice will finally be the one that brings the background noise to an audible level. if you don't believe in change and in revolution and in things being better for the sake of it then you have no hope... and that my friend is something i simply cannot respect.

with all that being said... thank you for being patient while i was off changing my world internally and trying to have a different outcome. thank you for being a loyal and understanding reader to what sometimes seems to be a blog not worth the click through. i promise i'll be back tomorrow to reveal more insight.

with my whole heart

i understand it's hard to see the forest for the trees sometimes... we're all guilty of that. i know that sometimes it's hard to understand the big picture of the world and the universe and all the opinions and voices and politics. i know that it seems difficult to start today and inform yourself when there is a long history of he said / she said between countries and leaders and religions.

i encourage you to find out about the atrocities that are being committed by the chinese government. i encourage you to understand that the plight for freedom in burma (or myanmar), in tibet and all over the world today. i encourage you to open your heart and understand that the suffering of few that you may not know or see affects how we view each other and treat each other.

i feel it necessary to express to you that i believe that the crimes against people by the chinese governement are serious enough that i literally have lost sleep over it in the past week. i wish that there was more i could do than sign petitions, be informed and use this small forum to express clearly where my heart lies. i wish there was more that i could do than boycott the 2008 olympics, the olympic sponsors and all souvenirs of the olympics. i wish that i had won the lottery a few weeks ago so i could spend those millions on changing this situation.... on changing the world but alas i am one person with my eye on the forest and the injustices and the climate of oppression that is filling the world.

with every particle of my being i want to impart this small piece of wisdom that i firmly believe: you must stand against injustice no matter how big or small. you must stand against oppression and against inhumanity. please if you do nothing else with your freedom and your tax rebate check please take the time to learn a little bit and make up your own mind - have any opinion you choose but please have an opinion.

in closing i give you this clip of His Holiness the Dalai Lama asking for a miracle. i ask that you in your prayers or thanks or thoughts or whatever it is that you believe in give a moment and ask the universe to bring peace to the people of Tibet in the coming weeks, to bring peace and well being to the Dalai Lama himself and to bring solace and comfort to those in need.

monarch white

the nice thing about having my own blog is i get to vote for whatever i want... i get to call attention to the things that i believe are worthy of attention and praise.

i give you the latest example of something i love....
www.monarchwhite.com

please go there and give a listen and even be their friends on myspace if you do that sort of thing... the social networking thing. i think that we should all put our cards on the table here - yes i do the myspace thing you can find me here: http://www.myspace.com/lexasaurusrex
and you should also know that it's one of my cousins that belongs with the monarch white project. he's an amazing musician, a hell of a friend, a wonderful man and he even has a cameo in the upcoming novella that still isn't really finished... i'm proud of what is on his website and i am proud of the things i hear in his voice.. the changes and the years have given him the wisdom to produce something worth listening to and that my dear reader is what this life is all about.

while you are there don't leave without listening to #4 - Railway Man. it's a personal favourite of mine and it has deep sentimental meaning and is a part of my personal history... it had been at least 9 years since i had heard and sometimes when i dreamt of my grandfather and of a time of painful change in my life it echoed through my subconscious.

and not to diminish the greatness that exists in the music but i want to say... as a talisman of hope and of love... there is nothing that cannot be conquered by good whiskey, a sunrise and an open heart. there is nothing that cannot be understood in hindsight if you are willing to see things for what they are. there is safety in knowing that your past will always be your past regardless of the shine you give it and the only thing you can change or affect is the future. we... as the latest generation of gillmore children are proof that dysfunction won't kill you and what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

i'm an accessory whore

no... i'm not an accessory to being a whore like an accessory to murder... i'm one of those girls that sadly has a thing for bling, handbags and cute shoes. strangely the handbags are really all i'm managed to acquire unless you consider birkenstocks and flip flops cute.

please view my latest guilty pleasure and please check out www.mattandnat.com
they are a environmentally conscious and vegan leather company that makes amazing products.

faith

as a note for easter... which is tomorrow i give you this little journey into one of my favourite words. happy bunny day. may you find happiness in whatever traditions bring you closer to yourself and to your bliss.

Faith is a belief of truth or doctrine. As with trust, faith relies on the future, and is usually based in perception of past events. The major global religions are based on faith.

Faith can refer to a religion, or to belief in one or more deities. It has two general implications which can be implied either exclusively or mutually:

• To trust:
  • To commit oneself to act based on self experience to warrant belief, but without absolute proof.^[1] Mere belief on the basis of evidence is not faith. To have faith involves an act of will. For example, many people saw Blondin walk across the gorge below Niagara Falls on a tightrope, and believed (on the basis of the evidence of their own eyes) that he was capable of carrying a man on his back safely across. But only his manager Harry Colcord had enough faith to allow himself to be carried.
  • Believing a certain variable will act or has the potential to act a specific way despite the potential influence and probability of known or unknown change.
    • To have faith that one's spouse promise or commitment.
    • To have faith that the world will someday be peaceful.
    • To have faith that a person will pay you back.
    • To have faith that you will be alright despite adversity.
    • To have faith in one's full dependence on the will of supernatural forces or deities.
    • To have faith you will see someone again.
• A means to obtain something.
  • To have faith in a process. (Faith in the Law)
  • To have faith in a source or resource. (Faith your pay check or employment)
  • To have faith in a method to obtain. (work hard, lie, cheat, buy, trade, be attractive, etc.)
  • To have faith in the pathway to a specific desire. (The fastest way to a man's heart is his stomach.)
    • Faith is the development of pathways through doubt. With certain resistances to life, wishing to obtain more life force cause people to develop means and methods to overcome the resistance. For example: With the development of farming and grocery stores the ability to get necessary food has became easier, takes less time and allows for more living. Everyone still has to eat, but the means of obtainment has shifted. Our forefathers used to pray to God for a good crop, as that was part of their faith. Many farmers still do that, but now many pray that the paycheck hits the bank before the cable bill.
    • When something is wanted and there stands doubt between your current condition of need and the thing desired, systems of faith are employed. A person will first work existing pathways already established by faith. If they fail, they will seek to develop other pathways by faith, not knowing for sure if the path they pursue will provide the object they seek.

According to the Bible, "faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" (Hebrews 11:1, New International Version).