a note in my notebook

i am under no circumstances allowed to watch the notebook again.

seriously. it's not good for me.

tonight i watched the notebook and had an existential crisis about what it all means and where i'm going in my life. i used all three of my most recent favorite analogies while trying to cope:
1. it's all chemistry. whether it's good chemistry or bad chemistry it all looks the same. the only way you know whether the chemistry has created pure oxygen or a noxious gas that will kill you is to breathe it in. you can't judge something by the way it looks but you should over time stop mixing the same chemicals if it turns out to be toxic.
2. my relationship history is sort of like a carousel. i'm not really going anywhere and i keep getting on the same horse after forgetting that i rode it two times before. i'm tired of going round and round and up and down.
3. my issues are like an overpacked disorganized garage. sometimes i need to get something out and i get frustrated that it's so cluttered and so i want to get it all sorted out. sometimes i need to take someone into the garage and i get embarrassed about all the shit i'm keeping in there. either way it's not being used for what it's meant to be used for... i'm not keeping a car in there. i'm simply using it for storage of old crap.

i realize that none of those have the full appeal that they do when i explain them in person and none of them sound really insightful. i also realize that they are all sadly true.

it's not as fun as ferris bueller's day off

the only awesome thing about being sick right now is getting to watch 8 movies in 2 days and stay in bed and have an excuse to embrace slothiness. it's not as fun as ferris bueller's day off.

that being said... i'm going to finally finish watching the darjeeling limited. i think wes anderson's genius is potentially the most underappreciated of our day. that could be hyperbole. i'm really not sure. i do know he's fucking awesome.

top 15 movies

here they are in order:
braveheart:


last of the mohicans:


amelie:


dances with wolves:


the patriot:


elizabeth:


joan of arc:


legends of the fall:


armageddon:


the royal tenenbaums:


the constant gardener:


the motorcycle diaries:


hotel rwanda:


50 first dates:


tombstone:

it could be lack of sleep

if you do nothing else tonight or today you have to listen to the juno soundtrack below... because it's fabulous and so am i. i should have listened to roo when he told me to get it weeks ago... i'm so stupid compared to him...




it could be that i've been super super stressed out and feeling a little lonely and lost... it could be that because of that i've had very little sleep... it could simply be that i am a girl and cry at silly things like movies BUT....

i watched juno today (laying in bed with my headphones and handy dandy shiny shiny silver laptop) and i fell in love and then i cried. then i watched it again and took a nap. it's amazing. it's wonderful. it's hilarious and touching and probably the best movie i've seen in a long long time.

it makes me believe in movies again.

so my problems aren't solved and i certainly don't have the answers but today was a good good day.

and then nothing

perhaps it is my mood today... somewhat cranky
perhaps it is that my brain is full of things to process... things unsaid, undone, unfinished, understood, underweighed, unmapped, unraveled, unmoved
perhaps it is because i am tired... sleep has been elusive

regardless there is nothing to write tonight. nothing really to say.

i do have a movie i've been wanting to see lately...

little known facts

some little known facts about me:
i love the smell of morning and flowing streams and rain and irish spring soap...
i really love jameson, reading emerson, naps, the sound of the ocean and taking pictures of trees
i daydream of falling in love with a man that can live with me a cabin in the woods, sings to me in the morning and at night, will make me banana pancakes for breakfast and is willing to be honest with himself and others and live with integrity... everything else we'll work out.
i watch movies that are period pieces or historically based... i love great costumes and the feeling of being carried away... i also love foreign films and subtitles and quirky indie films
i don't like french toast or gin or any kind of carnation (even the milk)
i hate feeling frustrated or misunderstood and the idea and practice of karaoke
i write everyday here on my blog, in my personal journal, poetry and in what we're currently referring to as the novella of sorts
i never know what is going to come of those writing sessions and i never plan them ahead of time... i start by finding the playlist and then write how i feel based on what i wanted to listen to.
i find that my life revolves around music more than i ever knew... i have a soundtrack to most things in my life.

sometimes in my life i think about missed opportunities and the things that i didn't give enough time or effort to. i wonder if i had been different in the moment or ready for different things if my life would be different or if i would have gotten here regardless of the path that i took. sometimes i ache for the days back when i was just a child and everything was unwritten and unstarted and unknown. sometimes i long for these moments to be over so i can just be past them.

i worry (sometimes daily) that i am supposed to be doing more, feeling more, committing more, growing, learning, changing and experiencing more. sometimes i feel stagnant in the middle of change like a person feels in the eye of the storm... sometimes even with my life in upheaval things are so quiet and calm at the center of me. i wish that i needed less change and adventure. i wish that i would be content with a small life that involved less time on the battle ground.

i have become weary in the past few days of being on the forefront and wish that i could apply for furlough although i know there is no rest and there is no leaving the front lines. i hope for a person that can accept all the things that i have come to understand and own the battle with me. there are days when i wonder how i'll ever explain to someone how i got here and what the purpose is for continuing. more and more i've become afraid that there will never be another night's sleep without worrying about the things i've come to know and there will never be another moment of sanctuary or peace that i don't have to fight tooth and nail for. i find that in this particular time of beginning to understand and finally open my eyes that i hold certain people even closer to my heart... they have become an indelible part of my past, present and future. i could never release that bond because without the role model of living in love i think i would forget easily... or give up when the fatigue and the frustration at the state of the world became too much. they are my reminders and my talismans that true north exists, that there is a standard of gold and of love, that sometimes there are people in your life you are simply meant to love and lastly that all the answers are here if we are just quiet enough long enough to hear what our hearts are telling us.

tonight my heart is telling me to make tea, put my feet up and relax.... i don't have to do everything right now... just breathe and relax. and since my heart has had years of practice listening to that very sound advice i'm going to take it once again... while doing that i'm going to reflect on this:
"If we look wider, things are all alike; laws and letters and creeds and modes of living seem a travesty of truth. Our society is encumbered by ponderous machinery, which resembles the endless aqueducts which the Romans built over hill and dale and which are superseded by the discovery of the law that water rises to the level of its source. It is a Chinese wall which any nimble Tartar can leap over. It is a standing army, not so good as a peace. It is a graduated, titled, richly appointed empire, quite superfluous when town-meetings are found to answer just as well.

Let us draw a lesson from nature, which always works by short ways. When the fruit is ripe, it falls. When the fruit is despatched, the leaf falls. The circuit of the waters is mere falling. The walking of man and all animals is a falling forward. All our manual labor and works of strength, as prying, splitting, digging, rowing and so forth, are done by dint of continual falling, and the globe, earth, moon, comet, sun, star, fall for ever and ever.

The simplicity of the universe is very different from the simplicity of a machine. He who sees moral nature out and out and thoroughly knows how knowledge is acquired and character formed, is a pedant. The simplicity of nature is not that which may easily be read, but is inexhaustible. The last analysis can no wise be made. We judge of a man's wisdom by his hope, knowing that the perception of the inexhaustibleness of nature is an immortal youth. The wild fertility of nature is felt in comparing our rigid names and reputations with our fluid consciousness. We pass in the world for sects and schools, for erudition and piety, and we are all the time jejune babes. One sees very well how Pyrrhonism grew up. Every man sees that he is that middle point whereof every thing may be affirmed and denied with equal reason. He is old, he is young, he is very wise, he is altogether ignorant. He hears and feels what you say of the seraphim, and of the tin-peddler. There is no permanent wise man except in the figment of the Stoics. We side with the hero, as we read or paint, against the coward and the robber; but we have been ourselves that coward and robber, and shall be again,--not in the low circumstance, but in comparison with the grandeurs possible to the soul." Emerson

the best movie ever made...

no really one of the best movies ever made and this is a great scene from it...

oh shit

despite the horrible anime... this song is a fucking classic and it's in one of the best movies ever made... bandits... listen to the song and then order the movie from amazon / blockbuster or where the fuck ever... just watch it... immediately.

beauty kit

go to the website below and watch the beauty kit video followed by the baby / computer one... it's all creepy

http://www.pleix.net/films.html#

top ten movies meet depression

favourite movies?

(not in order)

1. armageddon - scariest environment possible.. that's all you had to say... scariest environment possible
2. proof - gwyneth paltrow, anthony hopkins and mathematics
3. elizabeth - cate blanchett and amazing historical accuracy + costumes
4. bandits - bruce willis, billy bob thornton, cate blanchett plus funny funny lines
5. fight club - i won't even bother to explain
6. high fidelity - john cusack and great great music
7. amelie - french and amazing
8. the affair of the necklace - hillary swank and intrigue and political commentary
9. braveheart - i love you, i always have, i want to marry you
10. last of the mohicans - can't even begin to explain.....

watching proof for the second time. missing connecticut. crying. laying in bed. can't say it's the bottom of the barrel but i will say that i'm close.

dad has next surgery next tuesday. people can live without a lung right? what about that liver? what about a kidney? what about a good heart? it's not looking up...