sunday lessons

This morning we got a lesson in going with the flow... We got all ready for church and our food ready for the church picnic and when we went out to leave the car battery was dead! Guess *someone* left the key on last night... I'm blaming the squirrels! So, we had to wait while the battery was charged... It was nice to have an extra cup of coffee and just chat. We missed church but we got there in time to help set up and hang out! Also, we got pictures of the girls which is of course my main priority every day.
Sometimes its better when things don't go as planned because that time together is great.

and here is to 2010

i love my life. i have a great life. i have a wonderful daughter who is funny and smart and loving. i have a family who is good to each other and loves each other. i am proud of my siblings, their choices and of the people they have chosen to be in their lives. school is exciting and a challenge and i have really enjoyed every minute of it! i have amazing friends... amazing friends... that support and love me through thick and thin. lastly, but not least, i have a boyfriend who is a pillar of strength in my life. he is my best friend, my lover and everything i could have ever hoped for in a man.

2010 will hold big changes for us.... some of them are bigger than i can imagine. some have already happened and i'm so grateful. there might be less blogs in 2010. i seem to have less angst and that was what i blogged about. please don't take it personally. i hope to find something else to put here - daily photographs maybe? to fill the daily spots.

happy new year!

pictures are up!!

we had an amazing time having our pictures taken by aubrey - you can find her website here at photobyaubrey.com  she was fun and funny and took it in stride that we were a little late and a LOT hung over. it was important to us as a family to be able to have these photos taken and i am so happy about the way that these turned out - we can't WAIT to see the rest!

 

 

 

 

a sunday adventure!

we.... both of us... needed to get out of the house and the weather here has been absolutely beautiful! so we headed out to wander and along the way we took a few pictures. the first two are by emma - of her dog who she loves more than anything and the second is a self portrait that she took. the rest are of what was around on the first part of our journey. after lunch we're headed back out to this great park and then over to a friend's house for dinner. more pictures to follow!

just realized they didn't all come through here... you can go here to see them! http://picasaweb.google.com/alexisgillmore/November2009AWeekendAdventure#

 
 
 
 

my name is lex and i'm grateful

'if ever i should ever seem to take for granted, this lovely life that i have been handed, darlin' don't just stand there, come knock me around....' - jets to brazil - wish list

last night as shannon and i were driving home from the bbq with the girls in the car i realized that my life is pretty fucking awesome. my grades from last semester were great, i got a paid research internship this summer, i have wonderful friends and em is not only doing great in school... she's just an amazing kid. i don't think there is anything that could be better in my life right now... there are things i would definitely change or adjust but sometimes it's good to just sit back and really enjoy what you have.

on that note.. i'm going to be grateful and relax. and listen to the decemberists. and maybe make tea... and maybe dance around a little while packing.

knowing what you can change and what you cannot

somedays you have to figure out the hard way what and who you cannot change. that's all you can do... realize what is within your control and what is not. then as my 7 year old said when she got off the phone with her dad yesterday "i have to move on with my life". here's to moving on and letting go.

ps - my heart is definitely in san diego along with my new tattoo..

hell in a head gasket

my car is... well... being an issue. and looks like i need a head gasket. *sigh*

i didn't do well on my physics exam last week. *ugh*

i have a calculus exam tomorrow. *bluh*

i have a research paper to write about the effects of environmental racism. *yuck*

the dishes need doing. *......*

however, i got to talk to my favorite chester boy today for an hour and a half. *hooray*

i have a fun activity planned with emma this afternoon post school. and she got 100% on her spelling test last week!! *woohoo*

my coffee was exceptionally awesome this morning. *mmmmm*

i get to see dawnielle this weekend. *sigh, in a good way*


i've decided what happens in life is not personal. this is life. i make choices. some are good and some are flawed. i just take it one day at a time, do what i can do and patiently wait for things to work themselves out. when they work out i am grateful. when it's difficult going or it requires lots of doing i take it one step at a time and cross the bridges as they come. when they don't work out i sigh but am grateful for the lesson. it's all okay and it's just life. it's meant to be challenging and exciting and a learning curve.

i'd still like an instruction booklet though....

a saturday affair

yesterday we were out and about... and enjoying the day. i got a little burnt and ate too much frozen lemonade but we had a great time. ahh... the end of spring break.

back to work for me.

willing... in the morning...

this morning as i woke, a little earlier than i wanted, a little stiffer than i wanted, a little not sure about monday... for no reason. it's just morning and sometimes i don't love it.

this song is the theme... but you might not "get it" until the end of the blog... and for some of you not even then... just kidding dave...

linda ronstadt - willing



so i help a certain someone put on her new cupcake tights for school - fucking cupcake tights... seriously it's sooo cute... who wouldn't love wearing cupcake tights to school? i mean everyone should maybe wear a pair of cupcake tights just to feel a little pretty and fancy...

anyway so i come downstairs and think about going back to bed after she is safely at school and then i see the best thing that has happened to me in forever... my coffee is already made!!!!! i finally got one of those coffee makers that has a timer and it's the best $20 i ever spent... i cannot stress enough how great it makes your morning to just have that one thing done... to just pour your coffee instead of sleep walking around the kitchen and then impatiently waiting for it to brew just thinking the whole time about how much it sucks to be awake and how if you didn't have to make your stupid coffee you would be 2 things: 1. not addicted to caffeine and 2. still in bed.

so as i'm sitting down with my first cup o coffee for the day i see the following in an email from cody...

HearVox News Audio, art, & cultcha blog

« Bale Out | HV NEWS |

More Travel Tips

By JW 2009.02.08 tags: travel, travel tips.

Travel Tips
Contributions to a growing list:

#136 Sandals are not the best thing to wear for hiking through a tropical forest to grassy, steep ocean cliffs after two days of heavy rain—no matter how much they look like ones Jesus would have worn.

#34 Those most interested in history are those about to become it. Try to take an interest no matter your age.

#156 If you hear “The Gambler” playing, run. Run away. Something is horribly wrong, will be, or ought to be.

#35 Good traveling is making sure you say, “wow, what’s that?” more than “I remember when that was a…

you can find the full text here: http://hearingvoices.com/news/2009/02/more-travel-tips/

which just makes me laugh and laugh...

then i remember about the eels... and i remember this thought... this line from another blog (also pointed out by cody) and how it just made me think for awhile...

""i was thinkin' bout how everyone is dying, and maybe it's time to live" in "p.s. you rock my world"). it's a stunning conclusion to this intensely personal, unforgettably emotional story"

you can find the full text here: http://sand-is-overrated.blogspot.com/2008/02/you-think-i-got-it-all-going-my-way.html

ps. the tag line on that blog is: sand is overrated. it's just tiny little rocks. which is hilarious in itself.

and then i get to sit with my third cup of coffee and think about the fact that it's not the dying part that's important.. it's the living. it's the things you do between the being born and the dying that changes absolutely everything. it's what you do and how you do it. sometimes it's not the good things that define you, sometimes it's not the bad things that define you either. sometimes you have to define yourself by how you accept and love yourself despite the good things and the bad things. i'm going to be 33. i'm not proud or happy about everything i've done... i'm not sad or disappointed in everything i've done. lately the list of pros and cons is equal. i've accepted that others have lists of pros and cons that look similar. people are not a snapshot of one moment. they are a sum total of all the parts.

i don't know what that means really... no matter how long i stare at the screen and think about it... it's hard to really grasp. it's really hard to not let myself use the old phrases and definitions... to judge myself with startling harshness just to feel the sting and know that no matter what anyone else says about me that i've already been harder on myself than they could ever be. it's hard to say something nice to myself and feel okay with it. perhaps though it's somewhere in between the two.

perhaps i can allow those things to fade into the background and only make a judgement about today and right now... perhaps in this moment between being born, reborn, giving birth and whatever dying means i can just let this moment be the moment. let it just be right now... and just go my own way. perhaps in this moment i can accept that this life and my path are only my own. this is my collection of things - smoothed well worn happy memories and jagged sharp painful memories.... it's all mine and if i spend all my time in the past i'm not making any new memories. i'm wasting this moment... and my hope is that i'm adding things to the good memory list... like buying cupcake tights to make a little girl happy with the way she looks today and always being able to look back and see her happy face, having a good conversation last night with a dave who got to eat free tacos and remembering that friendship is solidified and cemented through lots of things... even if i am an international fugitive now, like reading cody's email and remembering the summer that held vanilla sky. these things are my landscape this morning. the rest of it... well it's in the trash bin with my old coffee maker that makes you actually push a button to make coffee.

sometimes you have to still be willing... regardless of what that means... and i'm choosing to be willing to live the life i want. i'd rather be in the business of realizing the happiness with each day is set on "auto" and is waiting for me each morning. i don't even have to do anything... i can just wake and enjoy. which sounds awful chipper doesn't it? ...it must be the pre-made coffee...

how to stay alive forever

it's two for one day... it's two blogs in one day... it happens sometimes... and i'm going to say that it's because i'm fucking awesome but what it's really about is that i've been on my china / tibet / political awareness soap box for a week and i've got some other things to say... just a few things... and in fairness i found this awesome website and i laughed out loud and i thought that as a reward for continuing to read despite my affiliation with very liberal views and world peace diatribes you should be rewarded by something fabulous:

1000 Life Lessons or HOW TO STAY ALIVE FOREVER

seriously... spend some time reading it. it's genius... then come back here and hear all about how my life has changed drastically in the past 7 days. no really it has... i'm not just saying that as some abstruse carrot dangling before your pretty little head.

first let's start with the playlist cuz listening to greatness while reading how things are is always lots of fun.


so i've been learning and growing and changing in this past week... on the eternal road to self knowledge, self awareness, forgiveness, patience and love... it's a pretty big mission statement but i get up everyday and i give it the good old college try. i don't even really know what that means but i know i try. so here is a recap of what i've learned....

1. sweating the small stuff is still a really bad idea. let go of the things that are inconsequential or can't be changed. it will change your perspective, a bad hair cut and your perspective on friendships and lifelong bonds.

2. anyone who is involved in a miscommunication is 50% at fault. yep. even you. you were there and so you were involved and so you either didn't speak clearly or you didn't listen fully.

3. lessons in life are hard to learn sometimes. that doesn't mean you are stupid or on the wrong page metaphorically speaking. sometimes you're overthinking it. sometimes you aren't thinking about it enough. either way once the lesson becomes clear embrace it, take note of it and move forward with confidence.

4. people that blame and get defensive have something to hide. they aren't being forthright, they are making excuses for inexcusable behavior and you can let them go. it's really a moot point once you get into the phrase "i did it because..." all you need to hear is that they did it. when a person doesn't take responsibility for their actions everything else is pointless.

5. everything in the world and in the universe starts and ends with love. it is the purpose of life, it is the purpose of death, it is the purpose of living and it is the thing that defines us. it is the only truth. it makes sense on every level - science, philosophy, religion and emotionally. everything ever worth talking about or experiencing is about loving and the feelings that come from that love - positive or negative - it's all from the same beginning.

6. good music is still good even if no one else loves it like you do.

7. if you wait for external validation for your thoughts and words and emotions you will be waiting along ass time. go ahead and validate yourself.

8. six year olds are capable of understanding human interaction in a simple and perfect way. they are also sometimes difficult but they give really good hugs and take awesome naps.

9. bad things happen to good people. good things happen to bad people. it all comes out in the wash. additionally it's not always apparent from the outset what the outcome will be - sometimes bad things end up being good and vice versa.

10. jameson and ginger ale fix almost all that ails a person.

chicken noodle soup for the crotch...

remember that time we were driving down the street and you said your cousin's crotch smelled like chicken noodle soup and i shot mountain dew slurpee out of my nose? remember when this kind of punk rock was the new indy rock and i had cds burned from your collection? remember when we were friends and we respected each other and i couldn't imagine ever not loving you? remember when my life got shitty... the bottom dropped out and i felt safe with you and trusted you? remember how i was always your biggest fan - always saying how fucking cool you were, how great your bands were and how awesome your latest girlfriend was? remember how things used to be?

remember how we had a baby and all that good shit stopped? yeah. me too. and sometimes like today it still takes me by surprise. i'm still shocked and hurt and fucking angry that we can't just seem to get along because i believe with all my heart that we're still those 25 year old kids that really do like and respect each other. i mean we have three common goals - your happiness, my happiness and em's happiness. how hard can shit be? how fucking hard? really? cuz in my heart of hearts i believe it should just be easy.

i mean maybe i'm fucking out of it. maybe i don't know shit anymore because i have a real job and commitment issues and i found a grey hair the other day. maybe all the cool funny shit i was ever going to say or do has already been done. perhaps i was never really that cool or funny to begin with. maybe i'm just fucking stupid and i'm missing something - the something that says we should scream at each other like we did today and i should hate you and wish that we had never moved here. maybe i don't get it and this is what is supposed to be going on but i'll be honest man.... i don't think i'm out of it. i think i know some pretty important shit and i'm still cool and funny and now i'm more wise and more compassionate and i have worked so hard to be a good person and a good mom and a balanced human being. and i think you're funny and kind and a great dad and i think somewhere inside you.. you're still the guy that i cared about and respected and admired and even loved.

yeah, i don't think i'm wrong and if we're being honest and i'm past the throwing shit red faced angry phase i can admit that i don't think you're wrong either. i just think we stopped recognizing that we have those common goals. i think it can be easier. i think it will get better. i think that 12 weeks is a fucking blink in our relationship and a short minute in the big picture. i think that eventually we'll figure it all out... but i hope for all of our sakes that it's before we get beyond the point where we can have a civil conversation.

because since i'm being honest i'll admit that i thought we were going to be friends when i moved back. i thought that we'd like bbq at each other's houses and laugh about shit and i would love the new girls in your life and we'd find that although it's been a hard road we're pretty fucking lucky - shit could be worse. yeah, i really dreamt that piece of shit up and believed it. hook line and sinker. yeah, i realize it's childish and simplistic and fucking lame. i realize that i was fooling myself. i mean fuck... shit can't be worse than it got today and i don't want to be friends anymore.

how did we get here? cuz it seems that just yesterday we were in mesa taking pictures of all the signs with our holgas, going to shows, talking on the phone, eating out together almost every night and laughing about everything. it seems like just yesterday that we were driving down the street and you said your cousin's crotch smelled like chicken noodle soup and i shot mountain dew slurpee out of my nose.

13 years squared

i just realized that my sister, emma and i are 13 years apart squared.... i'm thirteen years older than my sister who is 13 years older than emma.... is that the mark of the beast or something? or is it just fucking lucky?

my sister is one of my favourite human beings... she helped me create uppie doos, is always down to wear some sunglasses with me, trades clothes if i need to, has impeccable taste (just not in men), ate triscuits with me while i was drunk driving about 100 years ago and didn't even get pissed when i ate the best triscuit ever invented, is funny and brilliant - ex. she once convinced ferris that we were squatting at his parent's house and would refuse to leave because "in all fairness... possession is nine tenths of the law", keeps me laughing with her smart ass remarks and her views on the world, is famous for yelling "mom... go to my room!" while drunk and last but not least will always be my lala since that is what she called herself when she was just knee high to a grasshopper.

she understands and loves me without judging or saying and mostly and ever so importantly her inner light... the part of her that sparkles and shines... teaches me to stay in the moment, laugh at myself / others and be patient because in all fairness... we all clearly know... that it's no big deal dude. seriously? seriously!

ramblings about gratitude

during the following somewhat boring ramble you may need the following playlist just to keep you sane...

i admit that even when i write daily here there are days where i struggle to find things to say. it's not bad... it's not that i've had a bad day or am struggling to put things into words... quite the opposite. i've had a great day full of surprises, friendly voices, plans for moving, exciting projects with emma and most of all i have had a day in which i got to be grateful.

gratitude is something that i try to spend a few minutes with each morning. i am so grateful for what i have and the people in my life. i have an amazing five year old with an honest and earnest heart... she is so wise and loving that sometimes it makes my heart ache with swollen pride and overwhelming sappy love. i have wonderful friends that lend their hearts, ears, houses (thanks shannon) and their opinions. i have an opportunity in arizona to make a different kind of life and i am eternally grateful to the two other grown ups in this new parenting situation... it takes a special kind of woman to step in and be absolutely great simply because she is that kind of girl... it takes a good friend to let the past 10 years and everything that has transpired move into the background and focus on what is the present and the forefront. i have been blessed with an extended family that helped emma and i to this point with their love and support... without them we wouldn't have made it this far and into a position to make different choices... and now they are unselfishly letting go so that emma and i can transition into a different situation.

mostly if we are all being honest... i am grateful for good music, glasses of jameson, quiet nights and a heart full of hope. i'm happy the future isn't perfectly laid out or determined. i love adventure and i'm excited to make my own path where there wasn't one before.

vegetarian = nazi

so tonight we sit down to eat... my five year old and i....
through the course of our nice dinner that i lovingly prepared and served i say at least three times... emma, honey eat your salad....

on the fourth time little miss emma says... "MOM, I am not a giraffe. I do NOT eat weird leaves. Not everyone wants to be a vegetarian when they grow up."

so i sent her to her room. then when that punishment was over i sent her to bed. and it's not even her fault... i know it's my parents that have brainwashed my child into some conservative meat eating version of the cute kid i've tried to raise.

now... i have long had this theory that kids rebel against WHATEVER philosophies their parents bring them up with and i realized there was a chance that emma would turn out to be a meat loving, republican who found solace in things like hunting and watching ridiculous things on the talking box. perhaps she would even marry some weirdo religious zealot just to seal the deal....

but at 5? come'on.... and everyone should want to be a vegetarian when they grow up. everyone fucking should. i realize that my politics can be somewhat liberal. i realize that when it comes to tree-hugging hippies it may seem that i am one of them.... BUT
1. i am not a hippy... i'm punk rock and happen to be environmentally and socially conscious
2. anyone who believes in that Bill O'Reilly / Fox News / Bush White House crap is retarded
3. being a vegetarian is better for you... and it's more cost efficient... and it just makes sense

and yes. i know i'm being silly. yes i realize that this is somewhat ridiculous.... but she won't soon forget that EVERYONE wants to be a vegetarian when they grow up.


and yes mackenzie that still leaves room for EVERYONE to know what a dragon looks like.

heartbreak

there have been heartbreaks and heartaches in my life.

however, without a doubt there has never been anything even close to hearing emma say by phone this afternoon that she has forgotten everything about me.

the only way is forward

picture at right of when things were easier... i spent all my time being a mom and emma was so small that she never wanted to be away from me.

there is this pressing ache in my heart and in my chest that grows bigger everyday. it never subsides, it is never lessened and it has become more difficult the more time goes by. i miss emma with all of my being. every part of me needs to be with her... i am not whole without her and it hurts me to think that she is doing well without me. (i realize that statement is selfish and shitty) tomorrow is her first day of school and i keep wishing i could just see her for a minute - smell her hair and be close to her for a little while. i want to be the one that takes her to her first day and to hear all about the new things she gets to do. she isn't much of a phone person and so our conversations daily are about 2 minutes.... sometimes it's hard when she forgets to say she loves me or she asks me to call her back when she isn't busy.

these are the sacrifices i made for this summer alone. for this waking dream of work and the outdoors with the sound of the creek running through my mind. the sacrifice that paying for school required... or at least that was the excuse i made. i came to find myself and figure out what it was that i thought was the next step. i keep asking myself if i've done that... if i've found what i was looking for.... and i still don't know the answer. in true form i found a lot of what i wasn't looking for but it was easy to identify and easy to discard. i found some of what i was looking for and have a better idea. i made a plan for the future and got a grip on what it is that i'm wanting... but in the scheme of things did i make the right choice? i sacrificed precious time with the only person on earth that i love in a true and pure way... and i'm not so sure about that decision.

i suppose i'll have to move forward.. onward... through... we can't go around, over or back. the only way is forward.

and on that note...

thank you and goodnight.

phoenix

so here's the news folks... it's official and this is the official press release:

emma and i are moving to phoenix. drew and i have decided that it would be great for emma to be closer to him. he is ready to take the next step and be a full time parent and i am ready to finish school and more importantly am ready to accept his help. this is a positive thing and the move is a good thing overall.

i'm anxious about what this means in the scheme of things. i'm nervous to move back to phoenix. i'm not sure i'm rock and roll enough to live there... i mean i love piano rock... and i definitely don't have enough tattoos.

our time schedule puts us there the 2nd week of october or so. we'll be living in chandler and emma will be going to school on the tempe / chandler border. i'm not sure about the job thing or more details... i'm not even sure how i feel about in my heart of hearts so we'll leave it at this - the big picture and hope that all the small things work themselves out.

unconditional love

i just got done listening to this week's this american life - unconditional love. with perfect timing the minute it was over and i took off my headset the song 'Father and Son' by Cat Stevens was playing on the jukebox… followed even more annoyingly by ‘Wild World’. it's strange because the whole time i was listening to this American life I was thinking about my parents and my childhood. the serendipitous part comes in because my dad used to play both of those songs to me and use them to try explain something he fundamentally felt about our relationship. it’s sort of fucked up… a parent explaining things with a song that says:

“But if you wanna leave, take good care”

i've long said that unconditional love isn't something that i've ever experienced except in my realtionship with emma. i have spent much of my life looking for it in some form... and i don’t know that it exists. is there a limit to love? to it’s power, to it’s allure, to it’s ability to provide a sense of comfort and security? where is the line between too far and love - being loved and being unloved?

i realize that these are questions that are bigger than i am and have no probability of being answered with any satisfying results.

current song: closer to fine – the indigo girls

I can't stand how cute she is...

photos courtesy of drew anderson

if i could do it all over again

today on my break i took a boat ride out to the adventure kart drop off point and back. one of the perks of working for this company is getting to go out and see ketchikan from the water occasionally.

the cluster of islands is so amazing from that perspective. dark green and lighter green trees mixed along the shore planted in rocky beaches littered with remnants of the trees that stood before. the water was flat and calm, the air humid and faintly smelling of salt and the decay / life of the ocean. the sky is overcast today but not quite grey and so the water looks black and cold. fishing boats are moving through the inside passage either into town to refuel / unload or out to sea to make more money. halfway out to the dock we saw dall's porpoise(s) dancing, jumping and splashing in the water. the captain stopped and we watched them for about 10 minutes. there is something graceful and beautiful to the simplicity of their shape and form.

i had 2 1/2 hours to just watch the world and think about things. i found myself thinking about my life and how it's come to this point and all of the high points and the things that if i could replay i would.
1. talking to my grandfather
2. the afternoon light in grand central station
3. the metropolitan museum of art
4. the hustle of the train station in amsterdam
5. the taste of the bread in the market in singapore
6. the sounds and excitement of the open market in hong kong
7. the sunshine and sand from australia
8. orange mist of thailand interlinked with the sound of the temples and clatter of the city
9. three days and two shows with john lee hooker
10. dinner with booker t jones
11. watching tool play 2 feet from the drum riser
12. travelling the us / canada on a tourbus
13. the sunset in salt lake city
14. losing my first tooth
15. seeing emma for the first time
16. taste of freshly baked bread in paris
17. the week long road trip with craig (twice)
18. seeing graceland (just the outside though) and memphis (the picture at the top)
19. sturgis bike week
20. crazy horse memorial
21. new orleans with tim
22. the chester house and time spent with the boys
23. watching my brother be born
24. sitting with my sister

then i realized that this summer in alaska would probably go onto that list at some point in the future and how it's strange to me that this place and these memories have become so common place to me. i'd like to explore it more and make sure that i experience it as much as possible in these last 6 weeks.