be still my beating heart...

i absolutely for sure no doubts about it know why i'm not married.... it has nothing to do with all the crap we usually discuss... it is simply because this man is married and he is without a doubt the ideal of perfection.... if there are anymore out there like him i would gladly put up with just about anything to have him make me pancakes in the morning, take naps with me in the afternoon and sing to me at night. (sam beam from iron & wine)

if you've ever had a question about if there is sheer goodness and perfection and loveliness in the world i urge to watch this and maybe if you're lucky you'll get little butterflies in your stomach just like i do.... i recommend "innocent bones" because "no one is the saviour they would like to be...."

it could be lack of sleep

if you do nothing else tonight or today you have to listen to the juno soundtrack below... because it's fabulous and so am i. i should have listened to roo when he told me to get it weeks ago... i'm so stupid compared to him...




it could be that i've been super super stressed out and feeling a little lonely and lost... it could be that because of that i've had very little sleep... it could simply be that i am a girl and cry at silly things like movies BUT....

i watched juno today (laying in bed with my headphones and handy dandy shiny shiny silver laptop) and i fell in love and then i cried. then i watched it again and took a nap. it's amazing. it's wonderful. it's hilarious and touching and probably the best movie i've seen in a long long time.

it makes me believe in movies again.

so my problems aren't solved and i certainly don't have the answers but today was a good good day.

sunday morning playlist

it's 3 am and i can't sleep due to an ill-timed accidental nap. so here is a playlist: (just click that great little play button and listen to what i'm listening to right now)

and here is what i have to say:

it snowed and snowed today... left about 8 inches on the ground... which is too much snow to really enjoy all at once considering that there wasn't a speck of snow on the ground this morning. when there is a big winter storm and the snow is built up in banks outside the house i get that nesty settled insulated feeling that comes with winter. some people call it lazy... i call it insulated.

so many things have changed this week... i'm tired from thinking through all of the options and the possibilities. i suppose that really i just have to make my decisions and live with them. i find it's the living with them that is difficult. i'll be honest in saying that i really really don't want to live in arizona despite all the good things that are there. i am thankful and grateful for my friends and family there and happy to get to have a different kind of life but my heart is elsewhere. so i have to choose between my heart and what i think is right fundamentally... and we all know i'll choose what i think is right.

following our heart is dangerous. let this just be my next excuse for why i don't do certain things. why i don't make that big gesture. it would end badly anyway i'm sure... so i suppose we can just call it quits from the start. i would love to discuss it further here. i would love to say so many things and explain all the minute details of what makes me smile and hopeful but it's not fit for public discussion yet. they are a collection of intentions, unspoken questions, glimpses, deep breaths and quiet contentment swelling between my ribs. it's still a secret. my secret. and apparently a secret i plan on keeping so mum is the word 'round here.

i will say that sometimes i think that the future is closer than you or i realize... that perhaps the future is currently here. that if i really wanted i could just reach out and touch it. sometimes i just want to stand and let snowflakes fall in my hair and on my tongue without moving forward even an inch. i want to let everything be still and quiet and sparkly white around me without having to do or change anything. those moments make me think the world is slowing down just long enough for me to savour those details that i keep to myself.

mmmmm.... snowflakes and savoury details.... it's enough to keep a girl warm despite the temperature.

it will be worth your wild....

still on my finding things streak. today i found a note that ended with the sentences "it will be worth your wild. i'm begging you."

i have had the best day i've had in a long time. it's strange how the biggest priorities in our life our often the ones that have the least to do with our general well being.
i woke up to the sound of a friend's voice on the answering machine. it's been about 10 days since i've been lucky enough to have his voice be the first voice i hear. a long conversation filled with insights later i was back at my car to see if it would magically start this morning but it didn't. i ended up turning around and walking back home in cold rain falling from a sunny sky and finding a great soundtrack to my morning. i'd love to be the kind of girl that is saavy enough to embed a little thing here that would simply play what i was hearing on my walk but i'm not... it's sad i know... but here is the next best thing.

i'll give you the playlist and you can listen along or just imagine that you're listening and walking with me:
trapeze swinger - iron & wine
opus 36 - dustin o'halloran
in my lady's house - iron & wine
collide - howie day
home to me - josh kelley
every little thing she does is magic - the police

here is sort of what was going through my head:
it's raining with out a cloud in the sky
wishing you were here
simply
because together we seem to have
found an ebb and flow

my thoughts that seem so private
undiscovered and unadmitted to the world
have ventured into your heart long
before i ever even knew you.
sometimes it feels like finding
myself refracted sharply
stumbling upon that reflection
is always a happy soothing surprise.
i thank you each time
for lack of more to say
for your generousity
for your laugh
for the rise and fall of you voice
coming across the miles.
walking past stores and churches
your laugh still ringing in my ears
and the words exquisite asshole
making my heart a little lighter
knowing what was meant to
break our friendship
could only make me trust you more.
you said this morning that that i trusted
you completely
as those words echoed through me
i felt a little afraid
now that the moment has passed
i'm grateful and sated by them.



with those thoughts i find myself at home without a cloud in the sky and my playlist over. i curl up on my couch and breathe deeply into the pillowcase. then the most amazing thing happened. i fell asleep and had a perfect nap. afternoon sleep after not having solid restful sleep in two weeks changes everything.... a few hours later i am listening to the new 'this american life'. i am a happy happy girl. things could not be better.... well... ocean view would be better but besides that things are perfect.