Catholic school girl #1: (sings "Total Eclipse of the Heart") Catholic school girl #2: Stop it. I swear to god, I will shank you.
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Overheard by: Adelaie
this one is for anyone who mighta said "ma'am, i will fucking cut you"... wait thats me. and in fairness, i didn't actually say that. but i totally wanted to. and i told many a story that ended and started with the phrase "i will fucking cut you".
sigh.
i want burger bitch and a drink at the arctic bar.
two days ago i found an iP0d that i lost while i lived in alaska at the bottom of a backpack and although it has hundreds of songs on it i found about 50 songs i had forgotten that i absolutely loved. i recommend losing an iP0d that you know you'll get back just to enjoy the sound of music almost two years later...
for your listening pleasure here are two of my favorites...
wanted... 1. one afternoon by a river in connecticut. i've got the place if you've got the time. 2. one day with cody, to read, talk, sing, laugh and just be together. 3. a first edition of atlas shrugged. 4. a time machine 5. an internship for the summer 6. tickets to see sam beam live 7. a week of porch time in the valley to get my head and my heart right 8. another perspective 9. a friend to hold my secrets 10. everything ever written by chuck plahniuk 11. an evening in new york to see the dalai lama speak 12. a bike to ride in missoula montana 13. stationary to write some apologies 14. more energy 15. a new pair of sunglasses 16. to not have found my 3rd grey hair 17. a cabin in the woods 18. a plane ticket 19. earl grey ice cream
here is my postcard for today from the edge of where i am... into the night... which is black and empty.
we cannot always provide others with what they want us to give them. sometimes when someone says 'I'm sorry' to you it's okay to say 'I don't care' back... simply because it's not your problem. it's only your problem to figure out how you feel about it and to get on with your life. sometimes sorry isn't enough and never will be... those moments in which forgiveness need not apply are moments that define us and it makes us stronger.
this morning as i woke, a little earlier than i wanted, a little stiffer than i wanted, a little not sure about monday... for no reason. it's just morning and sometimes i don't love it.
this song is the theme... but you might not "get it" until the end of the blog... and for some of you not even then... just kidding dave...
linda ronstadt - willing
so i help a certain someone put on her new cupcake tights for school - fucking cupcake tights... seriously it's sooo cute... who wouldn't love wearing cupcake tights to school? i mean everyone should maybe wear a pair of cupcake tights just to feel a little pretty and fancy...
anyway so i come downstairs and think about going back to bed after she is safely at school and then i see the best thing that has happened to me in forever... my coffee is already made!!!!! i finally got one of those coffee makers that has a timer and it's the best $20 i ever spent... i cannot stress enough how great it makes your morning to just have that one thing done... to just pour your coffee instead of sleep walking around the kitchen and then impatiently waiting for it to brew just thinking the whole time about how much it sucks to be awake and how if you didn't have to make your stupid coffee you would be 2 things: 1. not addicted to caffeine and 2. still in bed.
so as i'm sitting down with my first cup o coffee for the day i see the following in an email from cody...
#136 Sandals are not the best thing to wear for hiking through a tropical forest to grassy, steep ocean cliffs after two days of heavy rain—no matter how much they look like ones Jesus would have worn.
#34 Those most interested in history are those about to become it. Try to take an interest no matter your age.
#156 If you hear “The Gambler” playing, run. Run away. Something is horribly wrong, will be, or ought to be.
#35 Good traveling is making sure you say, “wow, what’s that?” more than “I remember when that was a…
then i remember about the eels... and i remember this thought... this line from another blog (also pointed out by cody) and how it just made me think for awhile...
""i was thinkin' bout how everyone is dying, and maybe it's time to live" in "p.s. you rock my world"). it's a stunning conclusion to this intensely personal, unforgettably emotional story"
ps. the tag line on that blog is: sand is overrated. it's just tiny little rocks. which is hilarious in itself.
and then i get to sit with my third cup of coffee and think about the fact that it's not the dying part that's important.. it's the living. it's the things you do between the being born and the dying that changes absolutely everything. it's what you do and how you do it. sometimes it's not the good things that define you, sometimes it's not the bad things that define you either. sometimes you have to define yourself by how you accept and love yourself despite the good things and the bad things. i'm going to be 33. i'm not proud or happy about everything i've done... i'm not sad or disappointed in everything i've done. lately the list of pros and cons is equal. i've accepted that others have lists of pros and cons that look similar. people are not a snapshot of one moment. they are a sum total of all the parts.
i don't know what that means really... no matter how long i stare at the screen and think about it... it's hard to really grasp. it's really hard to not let myself use the old phrases and definitions... to judge myself with startling harshness just to feel the sting and know that no matter what anyone else says about me that i've already been harder on myself than they could ever be. it's hard to say something nice to myself and feel okay with it. perhaps though it's somewhere in between the two.
perhaps i can allow those things to fade into the background and only make a judgement about today and right now... perhaps in this moment between being born, reborn, giving birth and whatever dying means i can just let this moment be the moment. let it just be right now... and just go my own way. perhaps in this moment i can accept that this life and my path are only my own. this is my collection of things - smoothed well worn happy memories and jagged sharp painful memories.... it's all mine and if i spend all my time in the past i'm not making any new memories. i'm wasting this moment... and my hope is that i'm adding things to the good memory list... like buying cupcake tights to make a little girl happy with the way she looks today and always being able to look back and see her happy face, having a good conversation last night with a dave who got to eat free tacos and remembering that friendship is solidified and cemented through lots of things... even if i am an international fugitive now, like reading cody's email and remembering the summer that held vanilla sky. these things are my landscape this morning. the rest of it... well it's in the trash bin with my old coffee maker that makes you actually push a button to make coffee.
sometimes you have to still be willing... regardless of what that means... and i'm choosing to be willing to live the life i want. i'd rather be in the business of realizing the happiness with each day is set on "auto" and is waiting for me each morning. i don't even have to do anything... i can just wake and enjoy. which sounds awful chipper doesn't it? ...it must be the pre-made coffee...
if we're keeping records... just for the record... blue october is genius...
here is the playlist for those of you who are musically challenged and don't know about things that are good...
'movies in my head that make a porno feel like home' 'i'm sinking to the bottom of my everything that freaks me out' 'making sense of all mistakes and my stupidity'
oh... just genius... for so many reasons... because just when this journey that once took me to alaska takes yet another surprising turn i find that i am not at any decision making point... this is just where we build from. just when i got tired of building i figured out we haven't built anything yet. just when i thought it was a race i figured out it's about longevity not speed. just when i thought that i had a few things figured out i realized i don't know anything. when i think that we are at the bottom... and i can't go any further i find that i am nearly emotionally indestructable. (we thank the gillmore genes for that... sheer tenacity and a seeming inability to realize you're screwed... and the ability to manage it sober or drunk)
so cheers to building, going longer, going stronger and being in the game long enough to realize that it doesn't matter if you're in the running... it only matter what you decide to do with what you're building.
with that... i bid you goodnight..
oh wait... first i threw some cyanide valentine in there because.. well i felt like it and it's a brillant song as well... don't be a baby just listen.
'member 'bout that line in that blue october song... the hate me song... that says "Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home"... 'member 'bout how when we found it that was so profound... of being in those dark places long enough that visual ugliness seemed like a better place to be.
if you're new here and you don't 'member 'bout that you can go here and listen to it: hate me - blue october
'member 'bout how we talked about how no matter what happened we would always be friends and 'bout how that's what it means to be friends? yeah, and sometimes i wish you were here to see these other things and hear these other things and see what people are really like sometimes. i wish we could walk down to the beach and we could talk about simplicity and cycles and take a drive and see the lighthouse lady... and talk about chuck palahniuk because i just read his book diary. you know it says in there... "if you don't understand something you can make it mean anything" and know what? he's totally right.
so here is my postcard to you... that i would throw off the space needle in the pitch black of a cold windy evening: "i trust people and sometimes they let me down. sometimes i take that personally. i'm smarter than that though. it's not personal. i'm still a good person just for the sake of it. i'm not judging i'm just saying that people sometimes are sausage heads. and really... do i look worried?"
"i'm sinking to the bottom of my everything that freaks me out" - blue october
there are somethings that have been on my mind for awhile that i'd like to put on the table so to speak.... i think just getting it off my chest will make a huge difference... despite what you have been told about your internet experience.. the internet works both ways. i am fully capable of tracking blog views. mostly i am happy to know that people are enjoying what i've written and that they are visiting regularly. but there are a few people that check it regularly that leaves me with a weird feeling... it almost seems as if it's being checked to see if i'm posting things that could be used against me... like to answer certain questions about me and what i do in my life. so i've made an executive decision to give you the information you are looking for... i feel it's only fair to reward such constant attention. 1. i don't do drugs... unless tylenol, benadryl and vitamin b12 are considered drugs 2. i don't really drink... and when i do my child isn't under my supervision 3. i don't sleep around... in fact it's been a really long time since i've had sex and even longer since it was enjoyable 4. i'm not dating... and not because of some pining away for a person but because after my horrendous experience this summer in alaska i decided i'm not allowed to date anyone for a long long time 5. i'm not ever going to post things on my blog that will give you inside track information about my life... it's just my rambling thoughts, opinions, music i like and occasionally a movie clip 6. i have no opinion about your life and i stay away from commenting about it because quite frankly you are inconsequential to me 7. although i love the views and hope you just like reading my stuff i wish you'd figure out that you only need to check my blog once a day and if you save the link to this little homepage (right up top after http://www... in fact you can just bookmark it right now) you can stop searching for me in google... my google stats are through the roof and i appreciate that but geez... twice a day through a search engine? get a life. 8. the last time we saw each other (well talked on the phone) i just said "see ya" and i meant it in sort of a i didn't want you to feel bad about the fact that you were an absolute sausage head (thats a codyism) for 4 months and i had really become grateful that we weren't going to see each other again... but i didn't mean it literally in a you're going to stalk me online sort of way... perhaps it was unclear... but i hope we're on the same page with all our cards on the table.
i assume my stats will drop significantly after this post since i'm guaranteed about 57 clicks a month from you... but that's a risk i'm willing to take.
song in my head this morning: opus 23 - dustin halloran
morning playlist is below but i have to add it's a special saturday edition dedicated to jason in alaska.... love him... i wish we were hanging out today... but this will just have to do for now...
i'm standing here (metaphorically speaking of course because in actuality i'm sitting) and i'm surrounded by trees at the end of season, cool crisp weather and so many things that i cannot begin to process. i'm treading water emotionally. i'm getting really really tired and i'll be honest and say i don't know how long i can keep it up. i don't know what that means. i don't know what happens when you no longer keep it together emotionally.
i came here... i drove here and i believed while on the road that when i arrived there would be this moment. this fucking crystal moment from an after school special. people would be so proud. he would be so proud. he would see me for the first time. i would know him and he would know me. he'd be sick but we'd work through it and it would all be fine. things would naturally go back to right. people would fucking weep when they read of how it became right. it would verify and justify everything that has happened in the past. we would meet on new ground. higher ground. i have no reservations about saying that i was fucking deluded. i was crazy. there is no higher ground. there is no making it right. i am what i am. i cannot have more than this in my relationship. i have so much grief and frustration in that. i wake up everyday and look at myself in the mirror and ask why... why. it's the same question i've always asked and the question that i ask in my other relationships... why. why aren't i worth it? why not me? the funny thing is that i really like myself. i really really do. it's confusing that there are men in my life that don't. they don't see those things.
i feel like i love them... flaws and all and in return they love me with qualifiers. i wonder mostly why i haven't found a solution to this problem. seriously? seriously! i'm fucking 31. i'm so fucking frustrated i haven't grown past this. i haven't become an adult. fuck. ugh.
here is what i know for sure... these things i am certain of: 1. going to the gym was like having my own personal trainer. a personal trainer with a bmw m6 convertible. i'm not much for that sort of thing but i'm just saying it's nice. it's nice to have a new friend. it's nice to have someone who doesn't live in this house. i know that when we hang out part of the lump in my throat goes away. i don't feel on the edge of crying and not stopping... it's a distraction. sometimes i need to be distracted. 2. i've made a mess of an old friendship. i may have ruined it. for once i just can't forget it and smooth it over and stuff all the feelings inside. because right now i'm full of all the other feelings. i want to make it okay. i want to say i'm okay but it's just more than i can do right now. perhaps if i was a better daughter i would have the fucking sense to be a better friend. but i'm not. i'm simply not and so i have to just put it on the back burner and walk away and hope against all logical hope that when i get back to it that it won't be ruined. perhaps when i can get back there it will still be edible. in the meantime i feel like shit. 3. i thought that perhaps i had found god... or some close version that gave me solace. (yeah, i didn't know he was lost either but people are always saying that they found him). i felt so sure. i even felt like we had a mutually interested relationship. but since i've been here.... "home" the voice and the certainty have gone. i don't know what's true anymore. perhaps that's just another set of expectations that i can't live up to. i don't understand why when things were easier that i was so sure. i don't understand why when things are so hard right now... a fucking struggle each day that i feel like that peace is completely gone. not enough faith? let's just put it on the list of opportunities that i held in my hand and somehow let go.
i'm going outside... a bike ride perhaps. everyone is gone and still i feel like i have to escape this house. escape my own thoughts.... how fast do you think you have to go to escape yourself?
well... i'll tell you. for just a little while i would like for things to be easy. i'm not asking to win the lottery. i'm not asking to be perfect. i would just like to feel less overwhelmed with everything on my plate. my dad's health, being here dealing with that, worrying about what the future is going to be like, dealing with judgment and criticism, worrying about my move, worrying about my decisions, trying to be perfect all the time and failing like 50% of the time. i'd just like half the things on my plate. i realize i'm lucky. i realize i'm blessed. i realize i have very little to complain about but just for a few days.... for a few hours can things please just be easier? i little easier.
christian and dan might remember this phrase: i'm only one person and how much can i really do? it came with crying and weird breathing and standing outside in the rain because mommy needs her sleep, it was a bad bad night.
i think we might be nearing stage 5 freak out. i've been avoiding this sort of thing...
i'd love to write something witty and charming and funny. the problem is that these days i don't feel very... charming, witty or funny.... i don't feel like much of anything. i'm at my parents house in wisconsin waiting to go on with my life. i'm dealing with life... life it turns out is always somewhat difficult and annoying. my dad is sick... cancer they say... we don't really talk about it around here. it's sort of the the elephant in the room. i suppose it's me that doesn't really talk about it. it's overwhelming. i'm whelmed. i'm frustrated. i'm afraid. i don't really have anyone to talk to. i don't really have many friends..... the usual suspects, one from each town i've lived in in the past 10 years. but how much can each of them listen to? i don't really have anything to say... i've spent the past two days in bed most of the day reading. i feel sort of like crying. i want to leave here and go somewhere else... anywhere. i'm good at that sort of thing.... running away from commitment, feelings, emotions.
perhaps what is accurate... what is absolutely true is our first instinct... our first impulse and our uncensored thoughts.
here is my first impulse and instinct. here is my uncensored thought...
i love my friends. i love some in whole way in which there is no transgression, conflict nor problem that love cannot fix. i love others in a way in which i accept them but often i find myself sitting at the water's edge watching their activity but not participating. perhaps the second is about giving half of myself and the first is about investing my whole self.
i myself am guilty of transgression and of the things i spoke so passionately about. i have not loved wholly nor loved fully. i have loved with qualifiers - a tit for a tat. full of hope and effort but ready at the first sign to put up the walls of protection and retreat into a world of stand offishness and "justified" self righteousness.
my dearest friend this is a public apology of sorts... i will not rescind what i said in order to be honest and faithful to the moment but i will say i am sorry for doubting even for an instant. i'm sorry if my impulse was to pull away and that my words hurt you. we'll not go down this path again.. you have my word.
on that note we'll say - i love you and am proud of you. thank you for today. i am grateful.
here is something i don't understand at the very core of me... if someone doesn't want to be my friend and would like to say things about me to others then why don't they simply tell me they don't want to be friends? i understand that there are times where our friends do things that drive us nuts... but here is the thing the real thing - love them anyway. you can laugh about their quirks and funny habits all you want but don't be hurtful and mean. i'm not talking about 8th grade stuff - i'm really talking about being better people and being GOOD people. why bother to be anything else? why put forth the effort to be false? why would anyone fucking bother?
i found out last night that someone i thought was my friend has said quite a few really mean things about me. i heard some of them last night. the sad and fucked up part of it all is that i held that person in esteem above all others. it was like getting punched in the teeth and then kicked while i was down. i didn't do anything to deserve that. i'm fucking great... i'm a fucking GREAT friend. i listen, i problem solve, i support, i'm kind, funny and HONOURABLE and truthful. this is not some high school drama story... it's about more. it's about finding people that have some self-respect and appreciation for themselves and others.
this morning i turned on the tv for about 5 minutes and i saw this commercial for comcast in which the man is sitting on the couch working on the computer, talking on the phone, and watching tv while his wife and another person are talking to him. what the fuck is comcast advertising? you too can be this selfish piece of crap who doesn't really pay attention to anything except his own selfish needs? it's like we're a whole fucking society of selfish assholes. take what you want and have half interactions and half pay attention. i turned the tv right back off. no thanks. no fucking thanks. i will not become that person and i will not disrespect myself to the level of being a shitty friend or sister or mother. i may be the only who believes these things. i may be the only one who thinks it's fucked up to only give part of yourself to those you love. i don't care.... for once i'm proud that i am the only one.
today i am going to pack and to get ready to leave this place and i will let this go. i suppose who cares about friendships built on an island... in fairness they were the only ones we could make... we couldn't go anywhere else. i'm ready to move on... out of the safety and security of this bubble island and onto a real life... because i'm never afraid to really put myself out there. to REALLY love and laugh and try to be the best version of myself.
i went out tonight and found that i was the awkward sober person.. drinking water and juice and ordering covertly just so no one would know... why couldn't i just say i wasn't drinking??? the highlight of the night was having a completely drunk guy dry hump me on the floor of the first city saloon... wow... not cool in any way shape or form...
have had this few lines stuck in my head all night: Some days i'm bursting at the seems With all my half remembered dreams
want so much for the season to be over. want so much to leave this place. want so much to live here permanently. want so much to know who to trust and what is REAL. i found tonight that people i didn't know cared about me were telling me how great i was... i found that people who i thought i trusted and knew were giving me the signal that they didn't give a shit about me at all... perhaps everything i have come to know and trust is an absolute lie. for right now i'm going to believe that tonight was a moment and i'm going to believe in what i've come to see as my truth but i'll say aloud... i have my doubts... perhaps i've made some bad choices this summer and believed in things that have no basis or truth. i can choose either way - tacoma and then south from there and see all my old friends or the other way. who knows anymore. it's all very confusing...
it's six of one and half a dozen of the other.
forget it i'm going to bed... and i'll decide tomorrow.
a latent excellence or ability that may or may not be developed.
7.
Electricity.
8.
Mathematics,Physics. a type of function from which the intensity of a field may be derived, usually by differentiation.
9.
someone or something that is considered a worthwhile possibility
One of my favourite words is potential. It holds such hope and such promise. We all have within us potential. Every day we are given the same promise. The promise to start fulfilling our potential, to continue living up to our potential and mostly to potentially be the best version of ourselves.
It’s such a simple promise and it’s so powerful. We are the masters, creators and engineers of our own destinies. We can use what ever compasses we choose. I find for myself that my true North is clearer when I use the compass of God, overall good, compassion and a positive outlook as my North, South, East and West. The results and the journey seem to be so much more fulfilling from these perspectives. The outcome is all the sweeter when I know that I put my heart into my efforts.
Perhaps these comments will be difficult for some that have known me. It is not my usual sarcastic, flippant self-deprecating commentary. It is a more accurate version of the person that I strive to be. It is more difficult to write these words for open commentary from my friends than it is to admit my failures and silly stories about bad-decisions that I have made. However it is necessary for me to make myself clear and say aloud where I am in my journey.
I have found I really really like myself and part of that is casting off what has held me back in the past – self-doubt, uncertainty, self fulfilling prophecies, negativity and soul searching that was stunted by my inability to admit openly that I have belief in myself and in God.
As one of my favourite songs says: ” I don't want to be anything other than what I've been tryin to be lately All I have to do is think of me and I've peace of mind I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wondering what I gotta do Or who I'm supposed to be I don't want to be anything other than me”
This long summer spent in the glow of sunsets and sunrises in a rainforest have given me the potential to start anew. I cannot reiterate enough or say loudly enough how grateful I am. I cannot express with words how fortunate I am to have friends that have challenged me to live up to my potential and have been happy and proud when I made it each tiny step closer.
Tonight as I lay down I will sleep well knowing that the future holds promise, hope and potential. Everything that happened today will be behind me. Tomorrow I will be up when the sun rises and as the horizon is changed with each tint of pink and orange I promise that I will be conscious of these words and I will do my best to honour my potential.
i had some time to take some pictures today of an awesome basketball court i found. when i got inside i found lots of graffiti... (is that the right spelling?) anyway there are more pictures uploaded here: http://picasaweb.google.com/alexisgillmore/KetchikanSeptember
go check em out and see the town while you are at it. this is by far my favourite one....
there is something about the ocean... the simple smell and feel of salt water quickly washing up onto the shore and pulling back into the depths of the dark ocean. there is something about living here on the exact spot where salt water and fresh water exchange in perfect harmony. the water runs down from the mountain where it was dropped after evaporating from the place that it returns to. the circle, the symbolism, the cycle... the sheer beauty and pureness that are involved in the circulation of the ocean.
i have long thought that all problems are smaller when by water - these waters come from distant lands and have touched the dreams, hopes and thoughts of millions of people over thousands of years. how can i be so self centered as to believe that my thoughts, worries, anxieties, imperfections, questions and doubts are any bigger or smaller than all of the rest. the ocean is my confidant, my home and the place i go when i need everything to come back into perspective. i often talk of being by water and how much that means to me - it is a place to recharge and literally leave myself.... i am able for that small period of time to forget about all the things that i obsess over and become calmer and more certain.
everything is smaller by the ocean and that is reassuring and soothing.
i am grateful for this summer. i am grateful for this island and for what has come from it. the moments - happy, wonderous, bittersweet and frightening. i am a better version of myself for them.
on arrival here i wondered what the hell i had done. it was pouring rain in black fat drops; it was cold, windy and dark. i slept in a soaking wet tent for three days and cried for at least part of the day during each of them. i wandered around the area and looked at the mountains, trees, sky and ocean and felt like there was something here if i could just be strong enough to stick it out. i found tim ferris' carving in the table at the arctic bar and used it as a touchstone. i watched people and wondered what it would feel like to call this home. mostly i ached out of homesickness and worry that things wouldn't work out. in all my moves and all my searching i have never felt so isolated and so afraid that this was the one time i had gone too far.
four months later i have that kaleidoscope of memories and moments and they are all mine. i no longer need a touchstone or a voice from miles and miles away. i met myself here in the long days. i found the perfect salt to fresh water exchange. i learned what i was really made of.. and what i could aspire to be if i put my heart into it. i could in fact be the best version of myself.
with that said i have great hope. i have great dreams. tonight as the sunsets in a light show of yellow, blue and orange i know (perhaps for the first time) that what i came here to figure out is "what if" and only now can i say i know the answer to that.
the answer is that "if" can happen all it wants and i will remain. those moments of strength and certainty aren't traded or changed when i regress or have a moment. each moment exists... they simply exist in a collage of everything i have done.
tonight i am proud. i am sated. i am certain. all the other things simply wash away back into the depths of the ocean - i can leave whatever impedes my progress on the beach and be certain that when the salt water to fresh water exchange happens that in return i will receive the happy moments that have floated to the top.
picture at right of when things were easier... i spent all my time being a mom and emma was so small that she never wanted to be away from me.
there is this pressing ache in my heart and in my chest that grows bigger everyday. it never subsides, it is never lessened and it has become more difficult the more time goes by. i miss emma with all of my being. every part of me needs to be with her... i am not whole without her and it hurts me to think that she is doing well without me. (i realize that statement is selfish and shitty) tomorrow is her first day of school and i keep wishing i could just see her for a minute - smell her hair and be close to her for a little while. i want to be the one that takes her to her first day and to hear all about the new things she gets to do. she isn't much of a phone person and so our conversations daily are about 2 minutes.... sometimes it's hard when she forgets to say she loves me or she asks me to call her back when she isn't busy.
these are the sacrifices i made for this summer alone. for this waking dream of work and the outdoors with the sound of the creek running through my mind. the sacrifice that paying for school required... or at least that was the excuse i made. i came to find myself and figure out what it was that i thought was the next step. i keep asking myself if i've done that... if i've found what i was looking for.... and i still don't know the answer. in true form i found a lot of what i wasn't looking for but it was easy to identify and easy to discard. i found some of what i was looking for and have a better idea. i made a plan for the future and got a grip on what it is that i'm wanting... but in the scheme of things did i make the right choice? i sacrificed precious time with the only person on earth that i love in a true and pure way... and i'm not so sure about that decision.
i suppose i'll have to move forward.. onward... through... we can't go around, over or back. the only way is forward.
it's almost the end of the season and one of my favourite things is the christian charter wednesday. a whole boat load of christians charter a holland america ship and come to alaska. (boat load is figurative and literal)
here is my favourite imaginary conversation with one of the passengers: guest: is it going to rain all day? me: probably... it IS a rainforest guest: well.. we were hoping for sun me: looks like SOMEONE didn't PRAY hard enough... all the other christian charter boats had perfect sunny skies this year. i didn't want to say anything but we were all saying this morning that we're a little worried. guest: worried? me: yes, well... i'm not JUDGING anyone but I'm just saying that perhaps someone isn't as RIGHT with God as they thought... you HAVE heard the story of Jonah and the whale haven't you? guest: uh.. yes. me: well, i'd just be really careful if i were you... you never know what God has planned. Now enjoy your tour... the boat is just down the ramp.
here is my second favourite imaginary conversation with one of the passengers: guest: i'm here for the misty fjords tour me: i'm sorry ma'am that tour left 5 minutes ago guest: well, it's only 5 minutes... the boat should have waited. me: well.. we were going to wait but then we all prayed about it and God said that he didn't give a shit if you were on the tour or not... you might want to talk to him about that... he sounded kinda pissed.... i'm not judging just saying... perhaps there is something you need to think about.
see... it's funny because 1. i wouldn't really do it 2. it uses the imaginary passenger's faith as a weakness 3. sometimes people are gullible enough to believe a conversation like that 4. it uses curse words with passengers (that's always funny) 5. most charter boat (any charter boat) passengers are assholes for some reason 6. it's a variant from my usual: "ma'am I will fucking cut you."
