schools out for the summer

or indefinitely... i'm not sure on this one.

it's time that i had some space and time for some personal renovations. in being honest and hopeful about that i have to spend what energy i have on the direction i'm going... and well, it's not been tested by the fda yet so i can't say that it's fit for human consumption.

it's simultaneously a huge deal and not a big deal at all. i'm sure i'll be back blogging soon... in the meantime keep checking out these things:

cover lay down - the best music blog and insight into the relationship between the human soul and the love of music itself
hypem.com - the place to check out new tunes and listen to them online in their whole goodness
this american life - the most amazing thing in the world... true life... real life captured and perfectly painted over the course of an hour
radio lab - mr. science meets this american life... for insightful and intelligent goodness

additionally don't forget to love, save the world, be still and quiet sometimes and as abraham lincoln said..... "whatever you are, be a good one."

unconditional love

i just got done listening to this week's this american life - unconditional love. with perfect timing the minute it was over and i took off my headset the song 'Father and Son' by Cat Stevens was playing on the jukebox… followed even more annoyingly by ‘Wild World’. it's strange because the whole time i was listening to this American life I was thinking about my parents and my childhood. the serendipitous part comes in because my dad used to play both of those songs to me and use them to try explain something he fundamentally felt about our relationship. it’s sort of fucked up… a parent explaining things with a song that says:

“But if you wanna leave, take good care”

i've long said that unconditional love isn't something that i've ever experienced except in my realtionship with emma. i have spent much of my life looking for it in some form... and i don’t know that it exists. is there a limit to love? to it’s power, to it’s allure, to it’s ability to provide a sense of comfort and security? where is the line between too far and love - being loved and being unloved?

i realize that these are questions that are bigger than i am and have no probability of being answered with any satisfying results.

current song: closer to fine – the indigo girls

it will be worth your wild....

still on my finding things streak. today i found a note that ended with the sentences "it will be worth your wild. i'm begging you."

i have had the best day i've had in a long time. it's strange how the biggest priorities in our life our often the ones that have the least to do with our general well being.
i woke up to the sound of a friend's voice on the answering machine. it's been about 10 days since i've been lucky enough to have his voice be the first voice i hear. a long conversation filled with insights later i was back at my car to see if it would magically start this morning but it didn't. i ended up turning around and walking back home in cold rain falling from a sunny sky and finding a great soundtrack to my morning. i'd love to be the kind of girl that is saavy enough to embed a little thing here that would simply play what i was hearing on my walk but i'm not... it's sad i know... but here is the next best thing.

i'll give you the playlist and you can listen along or just imagine that you're listening and walking with me:
trapeze swinger - iron & wine
opus 36 - dustin o'halloran
in my lady's house - iron & wine
collide - howie day
home to me - josh kelley
every little thing she does is magic - the police

here is sort of what was going through my head:
it's raining with out a cloud in the sky
wishing you were here
simply
because together we seem to have
found an ebb and flow

my thoughts that seem so private
undiscovered and unadmitted to the world
have ventured into your heart long
before i ever even knew you.
sometimes it feels like finding
myself refracted sharply
stumbling upon that reflection
is always a happy soothing surprise.
i thank you each time
for lack of more to say
for your generousity
for your laugh
for the rise and fall of you voice
coming across the miles.
walking past stores and churches
your laugh still ringing in my ears
and the words exquisite asshole
making my heart a little lighter
knowing what was meant to
break our friendship
could only make me trust you more.
you said this morning that that i trusted
you completely
as those words echoed through me
i felt a little afraid
now that the moment has passed
i'm grateful and sated by them.



with those thoughts i find myself at home without a cloud in the sky and my playlist over. i curl up on my couch and breathe deeply into the pillowcase. then the most amazing thing happened. i fell asleep and had a perfect nap. afternoon sleep after not having solid restful sleep in two weeks changes everything.... a few hours later i am listening to the new 'this american life'. i am a happy happy girl. things could not be better.... well... ocean view would be better but besides that things are perfect.