the week in review

Over the past week I have been reading and watching the events in Myanmar (formerly known as Burma). On Friday night as I lay down to sleep I reviewed the information from the week. I reviewed the things I had done and said to increase awareness and inform my family and friends of the events. I thought about the amount of wealth, time and power we have as Americans and how little we use those things in defense of others.

I admit that I feel powerless and overwhelmed in the face of global crisis. I have information at my fingertips and see injustice. I want to be able to change things and to use my power as a person to make it right. However I can’t change it with a keystroke, a signature, and all the funds in my bank account or with the sheer force of the emotion that I feel in my heart. I know that the only thing I can do is provide information to the people who want to listen and be faithful to my beliefs. I am one person and I stand against violence, hatred, injustice, cruelty and evil. I stand against the things with every fiber of my being.

The situation in Myanmar is declining. People around the world held their breath at the end of last week hoping that the UN Envoy to Burma would bring Peace to the crisis. Unfortunately those prayers and hopes weren’t answered. A UN statement from Sunday said that the special envoy Ibrahim Gambari has so far been unable to talk to Burma's most senior general, and he is extending his stay in an effort to secure a meeting. The politicians and the head of the Burmese military have ignored the international community and the UN’s effort to bring stability and peace to the region. The news has begun to trickle out again despite the loss of internet and phone lines and it seems that much to our horror the real death count is much higher than anyone could have imagined. Today a photo was released of a monk floating dead in the river beaten and tortured. Thousands of people have been arrested. There are monks that are being tried in mock courts after being forced to take off their sacred robes and cruelly abused in prisons – their only crimes being that they will no longer quietly sit and allow the dictatorship to subject the citizens to poverty, genocide and rape.

I found the words below to really put things into perspective for me.

“We are just the ordinary people struggling and working for our family’s needs everyday. We stage our protests out of our courage to fight against the dictatorship. We are not well-funded, well-supported nor well-organized. Against all the odds and all the bullets from the soldiers rifles, there are monks, students and people out there in Burma marching and sacrificing their lives for what they believe and what they have been longing for - free Burma where everyone is free from fear, free from dictatorship, free to think, free to express one’s belief, free to do a business and free to have a control over one’s own life. For many ordinary people in Burma, their only glimpse of hope to stop the military regime's act of atrocities, is the intervention by the international community. They keep praying that UN or international forces will miraculously appear in Yangon where people are being killed and evidence of corpses are being removed by burning them.”

I know that I cannot sit idly by. I know that I cannot sleep well with the freedom and comfort that has been inherited by my citizenship. I feel that I owe it to myself to give everything I can in an effort to make the world a better place. I received a response the other day after my first email out about this subject and it simply said “I should be removed from your list. I’m not much for changing the world.” Now I realize that there are different ways of living and different ways of looking at the world but that was shocking. That was a friend that I have spent years listening to and supporting. I have given my time and love to someone that will not return kindness to people that cannot help themselves. Please don’t misunderstand my words – I don’t think everyone has to feel the way I do. I don’t think that everyone has to sign a petition to be friends with me but I DO believe strongly that there is no room in my life for people that are simply selfish. Who thinks to themselves ‘I have the power to change the world but I don’t really care and so I’m choosing NOT to. I’m making a conscious decision to deny hope, change and peace to people in need.’

It’s not that I think I am better than anyone. It’s not that I think I know all the answers. It’s that I think and feel and act with compassion and with love towards others. I’m simply trying to be the best person I know how and using my voice. I hope that the world will one day be a place in which war and atrocities are a distant memory. I pray for it everyday.

May I become at all times, both now and forever
A protector for those without protection
A guide for those who have lost their way
A ship for those with oceans to cross
A bridge for those with rivers to cross
A sanctuary for those in danger
A lamp for those without light
A place of refuge for those who lack shelter
And a servant to all in need.

Tenzin Gyatso, the 14th Dalai Lama

pictures from myanmar

a simple request

Picture of a sign held by a Buddhist Monk during protests against oppression in Myanmar (Burma). This is his message to the world.

Friends and Family,

This email is somewhat out of the ordinary.

The situation in Myanmar (formerly Burma) has declined to a state of horrific violence and injustice. It is to the point where the military-forces are beating and killing peaceful Buddhist Monk protesters. The protests, beginning on Sept. 19, 2007 were triggered after the government hiked fuel prices in one of Asia's poorest countries. This most recent string of protests reflects a deep-rooted discontent with a repressive military rule that's dated back to the early 1960's. I could enumerate the horrible things that have been going on there for decades, but I believe each one of you is intelligent enough to know the nature of these things.

I am asking each of you to get involved now in the way that you can. I have included below two links. The first is a short video from BBC about the current state of things. The second is a link for you to sign an online petition and letter to the leaders of Government of the People's Republic of China. This is important because, "China has an unequivocal leverage with Burma's military regime." Mahatma Gandhi once said that "You Must Be the Change You Wish To See In the World" and that is what I am asking of you. Small things to ask. This is the thing you can do right now to create a world that we all are proud to live in. This is the thing you can do right now to be the change for the better, the change you wish to see in the world. Use your voice and use your power as a citizen of a country that enjoys freedom to extend hope and freedom to citizens of this planet.

I love all of you and have faith that each one of you will act and help to change the world.

Always,

Lex.


PETITION - 2 Minutes to sign

Video from the BBC

Iron and Wine New Album

i cannot tell you anything about it since i'm waiting for cody to listen to it too before i talk about it but you can go the the website below and listen to the new album 'the shepard's dog'

iron and wine - the shepard's dog

Music Is Still My Boyfriend...

The Hidden Cameras – Music Is My Boyfriend

ben lee and i make good writing partners

seriously... i've been writing and listening to the cd hey you, yes you by ben lee... wow... i'll just enumerate the good qualities: good vocal range, well written, good bass lines that make you want play air bass and guitar interludes that make me want to read up on the tabs that must be all over the 'net. i know... i know... i don't even play and instrument but still it's that effing good...

so here are some places to start so you can be as happy as i am right now...
ben lee at hypem.com my favourite on that site is 'what would jay-z do?' seriously it's funny and it has a killer harmony with just a hint of his accent (who doesn't fucking love a boy with an accent??)
or see him at his website

my two favourite tracks off of the cd i have are shine and running with scissors... i'm just saying check him out... and in order to make that easy i have added this handy dandy little guy below.... and it doesn't play automatically just for those that don't like that sort of thing...

Powered by eSnips.com

here is the plan stan

departing ketchikan MONDAY october 1st at 6:15 am... arriving in prince rupert that afternoon at 1:45 pm. that will give me 3 1/2 days to drive 1200 miles... which i may need.
by friday i'll be in washington to see cody and hang out for a few days... a little relaxation... the only plans i have are to see the new wes anderson movie and then to see ira glass on sunday in portland.
back on the road on monday october 8th headed south. spending monday night with marcia and ken in grangeville, idaho. will be lovely to see them and have a nice evening.
tuesday october 9th headed for rexburg, id. dinner? with christian and some quality time.
wednesday october 10th headed for provo, ut. lunch / dinner and rock or roll or both with dan.
thursday october 11th headed for phoenix... that means i should be there on thursday or friday.

camping supplies are ready. snacks are getting stocked this week. everyone who i might see should be prepared that showering on road trips is optional unless you have a bathing suit and some flip flops to use at the truck stop showers. my hope is to find some new aviator sunglasses since mine broke and take some great pictures to share with everyone.

the bad news? tacoma is not on the list of stops... it's going to have to be a visit when i come up to get my stuff out of storage.

the good news? they have sonic in idaho and utah... so crushed ice is on the list.

also... i love a good adventure.

the october list

every once in awhile i make a list of for my friends of what i think you might love... cuz really i think if i love it you will too... like crushed ice and flying... man do i love that crushed ice stuff... sonic here i come in ten days... mmmmmmmmmmmm.....

but for real here is a list of things i've been loving lately:
1. radiolab from wnyc. it's a podcast that cody turned me onto and i'm totally addicted. go here to check it out: wync.org
2. the hidden cameras - it's a band that i found with that song music is my boyfriend and now i cannot get enough of... you can check em out and get a good listen by clicking the little link above. if you don't love their poppy but dark lyrics and well produced tracks there is something seriously wrong with you. if music is my boyfriend doesn't make you want to eat ice cream and hold hands with someone you love you may want to see a therapist... not judging just saying... i'm just fucking saying... you might not be a whole person.
3. great speeches in history from npr podcast. it's just amazing and provides some perspective and insight... it's a feeling you can't get just from reading the words. my favourite this week is 'Television is a Vast Wasteland'
4. rogue wave - it's a band i thought i liked but just found out that we are totally totally in love - check em out and stream some of their audio OR watch videos: i sorta want to make out with the drummer but i've always had a things for drummers... ugh... anyway the band is still great.
5. of course jason anderson... if you followed the links before and didn't listen because you were on crack and thought it might not be great i'll give you the opportunity of a lifetime again.... he is AMAZING. he is by far the best singer songwriter i've heard in a long long time. there is something real and raw in jason's music that makes me want to be a better person or go to a show at someone's house... seriously... remember going to shows at people's houses?? am i dating myself? i'm totally that old... anyway go there and then write craig an email about how he is a music genius.
6. always somewhere on these lists is one constant and it's chris' record label. seriously... i know i've been on about what a genius chris is since like 1999 but until everyone fully appreciates his genius i won't give up... it's still the self starter foundation and it's still amazing.
i'm not bragging but i've also been on about les savy fav (on chris' label) since like 2001 and i've noticed lately that they have been getting a LOT of press... know why?? cuz they are simply fucking fabulous.. listen to some of their stuff at the hype machine.
7. while i'm recommending all these bands at the hype machine site i should mention them too. cody showed it to me and it has changed my life. you can check bands out and listen and then go right out and buy the tunes from one website. it's a great great thing.
8. some bands i'm still thinking about raving about next week:
jens lekman
glenn branca
[brus]
a brief smile
8. the polyphonic spree apparently has announced tour dates and it's worth seeing if it's in your town... i've never been to one of their shows but ... hmmm... maybe november 3rd at the Rialto Theatre in Tucson?? it would be a shame not to go... if you like that sort of thing... which i definitely do
9. wes anderson's new movie - the darjeeling limited is out this coming weekend... you can watch a trailer and love it in theatres soon... seriously... from the looks of it it's beautifully shot and has great actors. i'm going to throw down a gauntlet here and say if you don't like wes anderson movies perhaps there is no reason for us to be friends at all... i don't even KNOW you... it's that serious. man i love him... i seriously LOVE him.

that's it for me for now... go like everything i like and let's be best friends.

rogue wave = awesometown

this is pretty awesome... and if you don't love this band you are seriously missing something in your life...

an addendum

perhaps what is accurate... what is absolutely true is our first instinct... our first impulse and our uncensored thoughts.

here is my first impulse and instinct. here is my uncensored thought...

i love my friends. i love some in whole way in which there is no transgression, conflict nor problem that love cannot fix. i love others in a way in which i accept them but often i find myself sitting at the water's edge watching their activity but not participating. perhaps the second is about giving half of myself and the first is about investing my whole self.

i myself am guilty of transgression and of the things i spoke so passionately about. i have not loved wholly nor loved fully. i have loved with qualifiers - a tit for a tat. full of hope and effort but ready at the first sign to put up the walls of protection and retreat into a world of stand offishness and "justified" self righteousness.

my dearest friend this is a public apology of sorts... i will not rescind what i said in order to be honest and faithful to the moment but i will say i am sorry for doubting even for an instant. i'm sorry if my impulse was to pull away and that my words hurt you. we'll not go down this path again.. you have my word.

on that note we'll say - i love you and am proud of you. thank you for today. i am grateful.

i'm proud

here is something i don't understand at the very core of me... if someone doesn't want to be my friend and would like to say things about me to others then why don't they simply tell me they don't want to be friends? i understand that there are times where our friends do things that drive us nuts... but here is the thing the real thing - love them anyway. you can laugh about their quirks and funny habits all you want but don't be hurtful and mean. i'm not talking about 8th grade stuff - i'm really talking about being better people and being GOOD people. why bother to be anything else? why put forth the effort to be false? why would anyone fucking bother?

i found out last night that someone i thought was my friend has said quite a few really mean things about me. i heard some of them last night. the sad and fucked up part of it all is that i held that person in esteem above all others. it was like getting punched in the teeth and then kicked while i was down. i didn't do anything to deserve that. i'm fucking great... i'm a fucking GREAT friend. i listen, i problem solve, i support, i'm kind, funny and HONOURABLE and truthful. this is not some high school drama story... it's about more. it's about finding people that have some self-respect and appreciation for themselves and others.

this morning i turned on the tv for about 5 minutes and i saw this commercial for comcast in which the man is sitting on the couch working on the computer, talking on the phone, and watching tv while his wife and another person are talking to him. what the fuck is comcast advertising? you too can be this selfish piece of crap who doesn't really pay attention to anything except his own selfish needs? it's like we're a whole fucking society of selfish assholes. take what you want and have half interactions and half pay attention. i turned the tv right back off. no thanks. no fucking thanks. i will not become that person and i will not disrespect myself to the level of being a shitty friend or sister or mother. i may be the only who believes these things. i may be the only one who thinks it's fucked up to only give part of yourself to those you love. i don't care.... for once i'm proud that i am the only one.

today i am going to pack and to get ready to leave this place and i will let this go. i suppose who cares about friendships built on an island... in fairness they were the only ones we could make... we couldn't go anywhere else. i'm ready to move on... out of the safety and security of this bubble island and onto a real life... because i'm never afraid to really put myself out there. to REALLY love and laugh and try to be the best version of myself.

tonight tonight

i went out tonight and found that i was the awkward sober person.. drinking water and juice and ordering covertly just so no one would know... why couldn't i just say i wasn't drinking???
the highlight of the night was having a completely drunk guy dry hump me on the floor of the first city saloon... wow... not cool in any way shape or form...

have had this few lines stuck in my head all night:
Some days i'm bursting at the seems
With all my half remembered dreams


want so much for the season to be over. want so much to leave this place. want so much to live here permanently. want so much to know who to trust and what is REAL. i found tonight that people i didn't know cared about me were telling me how great i was... i found that people who i thought i trusted and knew were giving me the signal that they didn't give a shit about me at all... perhaps everything i have come to know and trust is an absolute lie. for right now i'm going to believe that tonight was a moment and i'm going to believe in what i've come to see as my truth but i'll say aloud... i have my doubts... perhaps i've made some bad choices this summer and believed in things that have no basis or truth. i can choose either way - tacoma and then south from there and see all my old friends or the other way. who knows anymore. it's all very confusing...

it's six of one and half a dozen of the other.

forget it i'm going to bed... and i'll decide tomorrow.

on that note.... goodnight.

oh wow... totally wow

the hidden cameras - music is my boyfriend (and music is TOTALLY my boyfriend!) just take a listen and think of what cute kids we'll have... this is a must have tune for those mornings when everything is going right.

http://www.culturalagency.com/mp3/NYC/2004_08_17/the_hidden_cameras.mp3

seriously.. do you hear the egg shaker and tambourine???? LOVE IT!!!

sososossosososo good...

it's not that we're scared
it's just that it's delicate

LOVE it.
LOVE him.
watch and fall in love with my latest boyfriend.

coats of green

i found this today. beautiful orange, red and gold laying on the ground looking very autumnish. i find that dawn is coming later and later and it seems as if even nature is as tired as i am. good things have happened and i am grateful for that. i am very very grateful for the good things... in fact there was a perfect moment yesterday when i felt very connected and rooted to what is positive and good. as i was listening to someone speaking i had a palpable moment of love. it was a feeling of connection and understanding that i have rarely experienced. i missed the alaska boys so much i got a little teary.. i didn't miss them in a lonely or isolated way but in a good way... i missed them because i wanted them to have that perfect moment as well. hopefully sharing it with them by phone was enough... sometimes we can only send our love over waves mastered by man and hope that on the other end the warm feeling hasn't been lost in the satellite feed. i'm choosing to believe that love transmits regardless of the medium. in the meantime i am enjoying the rain and the autumn colors beginning to show through the coat of green the mountains wear.

fuck it... it's not positive self talk but it's something i'm positive about

i’ve had a surprisingly bad day. i don’t think i’ve had a day this bad in a few years. perhaps awful would be the best descriptive word. i suppose it’s neither here nor there how i describe the facts or what glaze i put over the feelings. times like these i feel isolated. these are the days where it takes everything i have not to start down the slippery slope… i want to smoke at least 6 times an hour, i want to open the two bottles of wine in the cupboard (not at once… one after another like a civilized person), i want to go running at 11:30 at night, i want to pack my things and run away. mentally, physically,emotionally i want to fucking check out. it is taking every ounce of concentration for me to remain where i am. it takes every ounce of effort to put on the front that everything is fine… which i’m sure it is. it’s fine. it’s all completely fine.

today i saw four blue heron. i’m not sure how much most people watch the world and their surroundings but the chance to sit still and watch heron is rare. they are amazing birds with big graceful wings that glide them effortlessly into sweeping circles before they land. it reminds me of prince rupert and my journey here. it reminds me that the end is upon me and that with that comes transition and change. it gives me pleasure to sit still and quiet and watch these mysterious birds and be able to mark the seasons and my life by their movement south and north. it reminds me of cycles and circles and of the simplicity of life.

it’s true. life is simple. i try to give the people i love my whole heart and friendship without judgment and qualifiers. i sometimes feel hurt when my policy of non-judgment and honesty is met with anger or frustration. i sometimes feel confused when my policy of forgiveness is met with the greediness of a child and seen as an opportunity to continue to be hurtful or irresponsible. i rarely feel surprised when those things happen… and that is the part that makes me tired. so tired that i can’t sleep. so tired that even explaining these words would be too much.

perhaps tomorrow i will feel better. i certainly hope so… because the slope is steep and slippery and i’ve already been there and climbed back up. i’m too tired to do it again.

just in case that is too obscure for everyone here are the lyrics... you won't even have to watch the fancy video talking box...
The smell of your skin lingers on me now
You're probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
To be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
The path that I'm walking
I must go alone
I must take the baby steps 'til I'm full grown, full grown
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Like the little school mates in the school yard
We'll play jacks and uno cards
I'll be your best friend and you'll be mine Valentine
Yes you can hold my hand if you want to
'Cause I want to hold yours too
We'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds
But it's time for me to go home
It's getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry

i want to say that today is fabulous. i've been on a new thing of leaving the negative and finding the positive in any situation. today has definitely been an opportunity to practice that.

i find that in being positive i feel guilty or bad for talking about things that are bothering me or things that are not positive. funny (funny? not funny!) that trying to feel good and find the good in every situation could make me feel bad... sometimes i even feel like i have no one to talk to or that the things that aren't good have to remain a secret. sometimes that feels almost lonely.. but i hate that word so perhaps i'll use isolated instead.

here is the positive side of everything:
1. i found that my judgments of situations and their discomfort for me was completely justified. i found that my instinct to avoid situations was absolutely correct. sometimes it feels nice to be right and to be able to affirm that our decisions are positive ones. i feel comfortable now proceeding to the consequence portion of those decisions... if x and y are true than z will happen. i have proven x and y to be true at least three times (which is all it takes in chemistry to make a law) and now i know for certain about z. i can move forward without feeling bad or guilty or looking back and reconsidering those decisions.
2. i had a long long conversation with my dear friend june last night and in that conversation we discussed the idea that i say things without thinking and that the result is that those things are misinterpreted. that idea is absolutely unfounded. i actually think about everything i say and most things that i believe have been well thought out. it is true that sometimes those words are not accepted or received as well as i would like them to be. i however believe in myself enough to know that i meet new ideas without judgment or anger and i expect the same from my friends. i feel absolutely confident in saying that although i am truly sorry for saying anything that would anger someone i am not sorry about being myself. it's funny (funny? not funny!) that the people that i respect the most and hold the most dear - accepting their ideas and quirks without question or judgment - are the ones that are the most quick to judge me and be angered by my questioning. i'm not sure how it's positive but i know that it means that i feel more confident being myself and also that

the first day of my life

today was an okay day... i'd like to thank dan for his guest appearance as my therapist... together i think we may have avoided moving from stage 2 anxiety to stage 4. seriously... dan... you're awesome... even if you talk in movies... we're totally best friends.

watch this (it's below...) it makes me smile every time... simply because...

a new spin

i was going to write a blog about my day and list all the people that i find highly annoying and that impede my progress (which makes them a sin...) but instead i have decided to spin it to a positive note.
what follows is a list of qualities in people that make me happy (list is not meant to be all inclusive and is NOT in order of importance):

1. honesty
2. humour
3. good vocabulary
4. candour
5. ability to see the positive in others (i need to work on this myself)
6. unprejudiced and interested in learning about different ideas and people
7. timeliness (i'm guilty here again)
8. good work ethic
   
9. sense of pride in accomplishments and supportive of others
10. respectful of themselves and others
11. ability to be silly
12. good sense of direction (literallly and metaphorically)
    
13. responsibility for actions and choices
14. big picture thinkers
15. enjoy popcorn, apples, hot air balloons and good music

all that being said... my day feels better all ready.

i am very grateful today for the weather (clear blue skies with sunlight as bright and clean as it was in late July / early August), for the popcorn i just made at work, for having a friend to call when i'm feeling a little overwhelmed and panicked about my impending move south and lastly but certainly not least for ice water - which i can't seem to get enough of today.

potentially, potential, potentiality - it's potent

po·ten·tial

1.	possible, as opposed to actual

2.	capable of being or becoming

3.	Grammar. expressing possibility

4.	Archaic. potent1.

–noun

5.	possibility; potentiality

6.	a latent excellence or ability that may or may not be developed.

7.	Electricity.

8.	Mathematics, Physics. a type of function from which the intensity of a field may be derived, usually by differentiation.

9.	someone or something that is considered a worthwhile possibility

One of my favourite words is potential. It holds such hope and such promise. We all have within us potential. Every day we are given the same promise. The promise to start fulfilling our potential, to continue living up to our potential and mostly to potentially be the best version of ourselves.

It’s such a simple promise and it’s so powerful. We are the masters, creators and engineers of our own destinies. We can use what ever compasses we choose. I find for myself that my true North is clearer when I use the compass of God, overall good, compassion and a positive outlook as my North, South, East and West. The results and the journey seem to be so much more fulfilling from these perspectives. The outcome is all the sweeter when I know that I put my heart into my efforts.

Perhaps these comments will be difficult for some that have known me. It is not my usual sarcastic, flippant self-deprecating commentary. It is a more accurate version of the person that I strive to be. It is more difficult to write these words for open commentary from my friends than it is to admit my failures and silly stories about bad-decisions that I have made. However it is necessary for me to make myself clear and say aloud where I am in my journey.

I have found I really really like myself and part of that is casting off what has held me back in the past – self-doubt, uncertainty, self fulfilling prophecies, negativity and soul searching that was stunted by my inability to admit openly that I have belief in myself and in God.

As one of my favourite songs says:
” I don't want to be anything other than what I've been tryin to be lately
All I have to do is think of me and I've peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wondering what I gotta do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me”

This long summer spent in the glow of sunsets and sunrises in a rainforest have given me the potential to start anew. I cannot reiterate enough or say loudly enough how grateful I am. I cannot express with words how fortunate I am to have friends that have challenged me to live up to my potential and have been happy and proud when I made it each tiny step closer.

Tonight as I lay down I will sleep well knowing that the future holds promise, hope and potential. Everything that happened today will be behind me. Tomorrow I will be up when the sun rises and as the horizon is changed with each tint of pink and orange I promise that I will be conscious of these words and I will do my best to honour my potential.

With that said… see you tomorrow…

shellfish

why don't lobsters share?
because they are shellfish

which is the only joke my chiropractor used to tell me as he did the magic thing on my spine, head and hips. seriously he was magic.

the point is that i am allergic to shrimp which are shellfish. i have taken 4 benadryl today because somehow i came into contact with something. i thought i would have to use my epi-pen but i used powers of my brain instead to insist that everything was fine.

and it was.
it's funny since dan told me yesterday to tell myself i was something for an hour and i did and it saved me from the hospital and an injection... i don't think that is the way he meant it but those that dream small esteem to lightly or something like that. i've always been interested in taking things just to that next level.... it totally worked out.

i'm going back to lay down in my benadryl coma and think about controlling more things with my brain. or sleep.

did i mention today was absolutely beautiful and I am absolutely grateful for the day and the gifts i have been given? i don't know that i want to leave this island bubble of safety... that may be the drugs talking...

simply wonderful

today has been simply wonderful and i wish i could say that it was just one thing but it's the complete package - it's everything. i'm very grateful right now. i wish i could say more but for once i am without words.

ketchikan graffiti

i had some time to take some pictures today of an awesome basketball court i found. when i got inside i found lots of graffiti... (is that the right spelling?) anyway there are more pictures uploaded here: http://picasaweb.google.com/alexisgillmore/KetchikanSeptember

go check em out and see the town while you are at it.
this is by far my favourite one....

jason anderson + me = love

so i listened to this a couple of times and then i found this live version on youtube. it is amazing. give it a listen and let me know what you think...

a work in progress

an imperfect work in progress... i don't usually share things that are so personal nor do i usually share them while i'm still working but this may take a different perspective to really edit. perhaps if i put it out there in the world i will see what is missing... and for once i am not embarrassed or worried about the things it contains simply because it is what it is. that being said here is what i've been working on for the past few days... in it's rawness and imperfection.

For Travis

it was that crisp moment
25 years ago… perhaps to the day
i became part of this fragment
i hid between bushes in your side yard
i was changed by that dark man
that ugly afternoon so fixed in my mind even now
indelible in it’s horror
his ugly voice and the lilt of words
asking me if i wanted
to be a big girl
then showing me roughly
what big girls know
shame fear blood
inability to grow beyond moments.

the salty tears stung my eyes
relieved that it was over
you sat close beside me
shoulder to shoulder
hands and feet sticky with autumn
held my hand
while the sore ache penetrated
my small thighs
blood pooled hotly
hidden by my panties
by my yellow butterfly dress
you showed me a caterpillar
trapped in an old rusty coffee can
three rocks and some leaves
left to sustain him
we watched while he explored
his small tin empty world
you said softly “it’s for you”
i felt flattered, honored and loved
like i haven’t since
years later when the
chemical mixtures had
wiped away those memories
for you and from our collective past
i wept because no one but
a dead man and i remembered

that summer you had showed
with patience and confidence
how to climb a tree
limb after limb
higher and higher
until we could look down
at the world removed
then i see you after we have grown
i am in the midst of forgiving
myself and living in the shame
i cannot see you
i forget that i loved you
it hurts too much to go back
i haven’t climbed a tree in years
i haven’t known safety since
i get another chance
after some searching for myself
on two coasts and several bad
variances of vulnerability
a different darkness has settled
i am a mother now
we spend two weeks remembering
each other with pleasure and confidence
the background of rum
you smell the same as that day
that crystal day so long ago
like youth and innocence
climbing trees at camp redlands
but you are in the midst of living
in the shame of your own
dark man
and you cannot see me
it hurts too much to go back
grown ups no longer climb trees

flowing like water
pounding like a headache
these words force themselves
upon me as i try to find
what to say to you
now that we are so far apart
the distance seems to great
i reflect on our moments
good and bad
your blue eyes shining
with guileless hope
your smile infused
with gaps the tooth fairy
left in her carelessness
all those years ago
our own history
what it means to know a person
what can be said now
we are intertwined
we are separate
the only way to go forward
is to look back
release the things that bind
release our collection of moments
if only it were as simple
as a caterpillar in a rusty coffee can
as climbing trees
higher and higher
limb after limb
until we are removed
from the dark world
our battles far below
a small world of safety
where i could say
“it’s for you”

dating while not showered

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persimmons

i found this today and was amazed by it... just thought i would share.
(image found at: http://www.u-aizu.ac.jp/~niki/photo/index.html )
(poem found at: http://www.cs.rice.edu/~ssiyer/minstrels/poems/1245.html )

'Persimmons'

In sixth grade Mrs. Walker
slapped the back of my head
and made me stand in the corner
for not knowing the difference
between persimmon and precision.
How to choose

persimmons. This is precision.
Ripe ones are soft and brown-spotted.
Sniff the bottoms. The sweet one
will be fragrant. How to eat:
put the knife away, lay down the newspaper.
Peel the skin tenderly, not to tear the meat.
Chew on the skin, suck it,
and swallow. Now, eat
the meat of the fruit,
so sweet
all of it, to the heart.

Donna undresses, her stomach is white.
In the yard, dewy and shivering
with crickets, we lie naked,
face-up, face-down,
I teach her Chinese. Crickets: chiu chiu. Dew: I've forgotten.
Naked: I've forgotten.
Ni, wo: you me.
I part her legs,
remember to tell her
she is beautiful as the moon.

Other words
that got me into trouble were
fight and fright, wren and yarn.
Fight was what I did when I was frightened,
fright was what I felt when I was fighting.
Wrens are small, plain birds,
yarn is what one knits with.
Wrens are soft as yarn.
My mother made birds out of yarn.
I loved to watch her tie the stuff;
a bird, a rabbit, a wee man.

Mrs. Walker brought a persimmon to class
and cut it up
so everyone could taste
a Chinese apple. Knowing
it wasn't ripe or sweet, I didn't eat
but watched the other faces.


My mother said every persimmon has a sun
inside, something golden, glowing,
warm as my face.

Once, in the cellar, I found two wrapped in newspaper
forgotten and not yet ripe.
I took them and set them both on my bedroom windowsill,
where each morning a cardinal
sang. The sun, the sun.

Finally understanding
he was going blind,
my father would stay up all one night
waiting for a song, a ghost.
I gave him the persimmons, swelled, heavy as sadness,
and sweet as love.

This year, in the muddy lighting
of my parents' cellar, I rummage, looking
for something I lost.
My father sits on the tired, wooden stairs,
black cane between his knees,
hand over hand, gripping the handle.

He's so happy that I've come home.
I ask how his eyes are, a stupid question.
All gone, he answers.

Under some blankets, I find three scrolls.
I sit beside him and untie
three paintings by my father:
Hibiscus leaf and a white flower.
Two cats preening.
Two persimmons, so full they want to drop from the cloth.

He raises both hands to touch the cloth,
asks, Which is this?

This is persimmons, Father.

Oh, the feel of the wolftail on the silk,
the strength, the tense
precision in the wrist.
I painted them hundreds of times
eyes closed. These I painted blind.
Some things never leave a person:
scent of the hair of one you love,
the texture of persimmons,
in your palm, the ripe weight.

-- Li-Young Lee

zuiderdam thursday

it means nothing in the lower 48 but today is zuiderdam thursday. the only things you have to know are these three facts:
1. drinking is required on this day
2. it is work related
3. in the past it has involved a mini-series: bad choices brought to you by alexis

tonight i made it through without:
1. alcohol
2. smoking
3. making out

i did suffer through the following:
1. peer pressure
2. a 3 hour strong urge to smoke
3. a make out proposition (which i replied: thursday is a difficult spot to fill... friends used to be on that night... p.s. i'm fucking HI-larious)

i'll just say out loud that i am proud of myself. i did not waiver in my decisions. i did not succumb to temptation simply because it was available. i made my choices and stuck by them.

today is a good day.

watch this now... because it's perfect

watch it and then say thank you to cody... it is simply perfect and he was kind enough to share it with me...

something like... hope floats

there is something about the ocean... the simple smell and feel of salt water quickly washing up onto the shore and pulling back into the depths of the dark ocean. there is something about living here on the exact spot where salt water and fresh water exchange in perfect harmony. the water runs down from the mountain where it was dropped after evaporating from the place that it returns to. the circle, the symbolism, the cycle... the sheer beauty and pureness that are involved in the circulation of the ocean.

i have long thought that all problems are smaller when by water - these waters come from distant lands and have touched the dreams, hopes and thoughts of millions of people over thousands of years. how can i be so self centered as to believe that my thoughts, worries, anxieties, imperfections, questions and doubts are any bigger or smaller than all of the rest. the ocean is my confidant, my home and the place i go when i need everything to come back into perspective. i often talk of being by water and how much that means to me - it is a place to recharge and literally leave myself.... i am able for that small period of time to forget about all the things that i obsess over and become calmer and more certain.

everything is smaller by the ocean and that is reassuring and soothing.

i am grateful for this summer. i am grateful for this island and for what has come from it. the moments - happy, wonderous, bittersweet and frightening. i am a better version of myself for them.

on arrival here i wondered what the hell i had done. it was pouring rain in black fat drops; it was cold, windy and dark. i slept in a soaking wet tent for three days and cried for at least part of the day during each of them. i wandered around the area and looked at the mountains, trees, sky and ocean and felt like there was something here if i could just be strong enough to stick it out. i found tim ferris' carving in the table at the arctic bar and used it as a touchstone. i watched people and wondered what it would feel like to call this home. mostly i ached out of homesickness and worry that things wouldn't work out. in all my moves and all my searching i have never felt so isolated and so afraid that this was the one time i had gone too far.

four months later i have that kaleidoscope of memories and moments and they are all mine. i no longer need a touchstone or a voice from miles and miles away. i met myself here in the long days. i found the perfect salt to fresh water exchange. i learned what i was really made of.. and what i could aspire to be if i put my heart into it. i could in fact be the best version of myself.

with that said i have great hope. i have great dreams. tonight as the sunsets in a light show of yellow, blue and orange i know (perhaps for the first time) that what i came here to figure out is "what if" and only now can i say i know the answer to that.

the answer is that "if" can happen all it wants and i will remain. those moments of strength and certainty aren't traded or changed when i regress or have a moment. each moment exists... they simply exist in a collage of everything i have done.

tonight i am proud. i am sated. i am certain. all the other things simply wash away back into the depths of the ocean - i can leave whatever impedes my progress on the beach and be certain that when the salt water to fresh water exchange happens that in return i will receive the happy moments that have floated to the top.

heartbreak

there have been heartbreaks and heartaches in my life.

however, without a doubt there has never been anything even close to hearing emma say by phone this afternoon that she has forgotten everything about me.

the only way is forward

picture at right of when things were easier... i spent all my time being a mom and emma was so small that she never wanted to be away from me.

there is this pressing ache in my heart and in my chest that grows bigger everyday. it never subsides, it is never lessened and it has become more difficult the more time goes by. i miss emma with all of my being. every part of me needs to be with her... i am not whole without her and it hurts me to think that she is doing well without me. (i realize that statement is selfish and shitty) tomorrow is her first day of school and i keep wishing i could just see her for a minute - smell her hair and be close to her for a little while. i want to be the one that takes her to her first day and to hear all about the new things she gets to do. she isn't much of a phone person and so our conversations daily are about 2 minutes.... sometimes it's hard when she forgets to say she loves me or she asks me to call her back when she isn't busy.

these are the sacrifices i made for this summer alone. for this waking dream of work and the outdoors with the sound of the creek running through my mind. the sacrifice that paying for school required... or at least that was the excuse i made. i came to find myself and figure out what it was that i thought was the next step. i keep asking myself if i've done that... if i've found what i was looking for.... and i still don't know the answer. in true form i found a lot of what i wasn't looking for but it was easy to identify and easy to discard. i found some of what i was looking for and have a better idea. i made a plan for the future and got a grip on what it is that i'm wanting... but in the scheme of things did i make the right choice? i sacrificed precious time with the only person on earth that i love in a true and pure way... and i'm not so sure about that decision.

i suppose i'll have to move forward.. onward... through... we can't go around, over or back. the only way is forward.

and on that note...

thank you and goodnight.

self limiting

it's been a long time since i've found an album i want to listen to straight through without skipping around or skipping some of the tracks but i've found perfection in david gray's life in slow motion album. it makes me happy in a very background sort of way. i've got my new(ish) hat and a great album. what more could a girl want?

on the who gives a shit front:
work is work. yes. i still work there. my resignation lasted about 48 hours before i simply figured i might as well just stick out the last 3 weeks and get my bonus.
my kitchen sink is now broken and i can't seem to fix it... although i fixed the bathtub the other day but taking apart the whole drain assembly and the pipes and putting them all back together. i felt so proud that i didn't need a boy to help me. (go me)
i find that my life is so simple right now. it's strange.... i hardly speak to anyone outside of work. i spend lots of time in my own head. i do small things that amount to very little. i like myself and my life.
my shin splints are finally getting better... maybe i'll get to go running tomorrow. i'm supposed to go on a hike with mylan this weekend so i don't want to push it before then.
i've eaten cereal, a banana and popcorn in varying patterns for the past 4 days simply because i'm too lazy to cook and clean up for one person. (that's pretty lazy)

on the positive front:
i've decided that my new thing is that if nothing bad can come from it i'm going to give it a try... and i have been. that's not as big a window as one might think. it's sort of self limiting....

phoenix

so here's the news folks... it's official and this is the official press release:

emma and i are moving to phoenix. drew and i have decided that it would be great for emma to be closer to him. he is ready to take the next step and be a full time parent and i am ready to finish school and more importantly am ready to accept his help. this is a positive thing and the move is a good thing overall.

i'm anxious about what this means in the scheme of things. i'm nervous to move back to phoenix. i'm not sure i'm rock and roll enough to live there... i mean i love piano rock... and i definitely don't have enough tattoos.

our time schedule puts us there the 2nd week of october or so. we'll be living in chandler and emma will be going to school on the tempe / chandler border. i'm not sure about the job thing or more details... i'm not even sure how i feel about in my heart of hearts so we'll leave it at this - the big picture and hope that all the small things work themselves out.

unconditional love

i just got done listening to this week's this american life - unconditional love. with perfect timing the minute it was over and i took off my headset the song 'Father and Son' by Cat Stevens was playing on the jukebox… followed even more annoyingly by ‘Wild World’. it's strange because the whole time i was listening to this American life I was thinking about my parents and my childhood. the serendipitous part comes in because my dad used to play both of those songs to me and use them to try explain something he fundamentally felt about our relationship. it’s sort of fucked up… a parent explaining things with a song that says:

“But if you wanna leave, take good care”

i've long said that unconditional love isn't something that i've ever experienced except in my realtionship with emma. i have spent much of my life looking for it in some form... and i don’t know that it exists. is there a limit to love? to it’s power, to it’s allure, to it’s ability to provide a sense of comfort and security? where is the line between too far and love - being loved and being unloved?

i realize that these are questions that are bigger than i am and have no probability of being answered with any satisfying results.

current song: closer to fine – the indigo girls

probabilities

i have decided today that what i really require... i mean NEED on a fundamental level... in this life is an ability to predict the probability of the outcome of a situation. i'm a big fan of numbers that are concrete and definite - i love the black and white of it... so as a result i've decided to start using bayes theorum to calculate the outcome of some of my decisions...

i'll just say right now that the probability of it working on any level or providing me anything i really need to know is about 2 %.

that's all i have for today.