i’ve had a surprisingly bad day. i don’t think i’ve had a day this bad in a few years. perhaps awful would be the best descriptive word. i suppose it’s neither here nor there how i describe the facts or what glaze i put over the feelings. times like these i feel isolated. these are the days where it takes everything i have not to start down the slippery slope… i want to smoke at least 6 times an hour, i want to open the two bottles of wine in the cupboard (not at once… one after another like a civilized person), i want to go running at 11:30 at night, i want to pack my things and run away. mentally, physically,emotionally i want to fucking check out. it is taking every ounce of concentration for me to remain where i am. it takes every ounce of effort to put on the front that everything is fine… which i’m sure it is. it’s fine. it’s all completely fine.
today i saw four blue heron. i’m not sure how much most people watch the world and their surroundings but the chance to sit still and watch heron is rare. they are amazing birds with big graceful wings that glide them effortlessly into sweeping circles before they land. it reminds me of
it’s true. life is simple. i try to give the people i love my whole heart and friendship without judgment and qualifiers. i sometimes feel hurt when my policy of non-judgment and honesty is met with anger or frustration. i sometimes feel confused when my policy of forgiveness is met with the greediness of a child and seen as an opportunity to continue to be hurtful or irresponsible. i rarely feel surprised when those things happen… and that is the part that makes me tired. so tired that i can’t sleep. so tired that even explaining these words would be too much.
perhaps tomorrow i will feel better. i certainly hope so… because the slope is steep and slippery and i’ve already been there and climbed back up. i’m too tired to do it again.
just in case that is too obscure for everyone here are the lyrics... you won't even have to watch the fancy video talking box...
The smell of your skin lingers on me now
You're probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
To be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
The path that I'm walking
I must go alone
I must take the baby steps 'til I'm full grown, full grown
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Like the little school mates in the school yard
We'll play jacks and uno cards
I'll be your best friend and you'll be mine Valentine
Yes you can hold my hand if you want to
'Cause I want to hold yours too
We'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds
But it's time for me to go home
It's getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
1 comment:
I hope "tomorrow" was a better day for you. Keep up with the writing. John
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