an addendum

perhaps what is accurate... what is absolutely true is our first instinct... our first impulse and our uncensored thoughts.

here is my first impulse and instinct. here is my uncensored thought...

i love my friends. i love some in whole way in which there is no transgression, conflict nor problem that love cannot fix. i love others in a way in which i accept them but often i find myself sitting at the water's edge watching their activity but not participating. perhaps the second is about giving half of myself and the first is about investing my whole self.

i myself am guilty of transgression and of the things i spoke so passionately about. i have not loved wholly nor loved fully. i have loved with qualifiers - a tit for a tat. full of hope and effort but ready at the first sign to put up the walls of protection and retreat into a world of stand offishness and "justified" self righteousness.

my dearest friend this is a public apology of sorts... i will not rescind what i said in order to be honest and faithful to the moment but i will say i am sorry for doubting even for an instant. i'm sorry if my impulse was to pull away and that my words hurt you. we'll not go down this path again.. you have my word.

on that note we'll say - i love you and am proud of you. thank you for today. i am grateful.