you'll know when you get there

two things happened tonight....

1.) miss lowercasesandcapitals changed my life by pointing out that this - Daytrotter Session Archives - available and free to download. it's music by everyone who is anyone in the daytrotter world and it's revamped my music collection. 5 hours of amazing music so far and i'm nowhere near done. i was in serious need of new music. everything i had was either old or reminded me of someone i don't want to be haunted by.

here are some tidbits i think are worth listening to: (you'll have to right click and find what i'm referring to... but it's a great investment of your time)

anya marina - move you

bon iver - flume

these united states - so high so low so wide so long

2.) the same lovely lady changed my life by having the time to just talk it out with me. i feel like i'm the most selfish person on earth needing to talk it out. needing to ask for help is difficult for me. i hate that he was the one i talked to and now i feel like i have all this talking to do and can't reach out to the person who has been there for the past two years. i know we're all sick of listening about it. shit, i'm sick of hearing about it. i'm sick of talking about it. i'm sick to death of it. i'm ready to just be OVER it. but it doesn't work like that. you don't fall in love with someone slowly and give your heart, trust and secrets to someone piece by piece and then switch it off in one day. maybe "you" do. but i don't. i'm just not like that.

tonight as we talked about my "it" and we talked about her "it" i realized that this too is the thing that is going to be painful and uncomfortable up until the point that i can look myself in the mirror and say "that was the most painful thing that's happened to me and i'm grateful for every single second. i wouldn't change it for the world. it's made me who i am. it's mine. i lived it." when you can say it and mean it... that's when it's over. and not a second before that.

until then i'm going to keep being grateful. i'm going to keep doing all the things that make me happy. i'm going to keep all the great things about myself and let this one part help me to move into the person i know i'm growing into.

in the meantime... please excuse my construction.

thank you for knowing i'm grateful

i love my life. i don't think i say that enough. i truly do love. my. life.

i have so many great things - my family (who will all be under ONE roof for thanksgiving), great friends - the kind that don't even care that this break up has completely thrown me for a loop and understand that i have to keep up at school and with emma as if the boy didn't pull out my heart and stomp on it so they are kind enough to listen in the evenings, my daughter emma who continually is a joy to be around - she's the kind of kid that just says hilarious stuff and is silly at all the right times but so amazingly intelligent and beautiful.

i'm fortunate. i know i'm fortunate. and sometimes i don't express that enough here. i say the things i don't say elsewhere... it's my outlet. it's my time to vent or to talk about how i'm feeling about the things that you don't say at the dinner table or to the cashier at the grocery store that asks "how are you today?" and so i appreciate that you read and understand the perspective and love me even though lately all i want to do is talk about how breaking up sucks.

i promise that if you can hold on this will get better. i'm stronger everyday. i understand more everyday that this relationship ending is actually a really really good thing. and along the way i'm trying to learn about myself and about the world... thanks for being along for the ride.

and you know who you are... don't you?

sometimes in life it seems, from my perspective, that people just don't know "who" they are. they have ideas and thoughts and experiences but they leap from situation to situation without any real growth or responsibility. they are always looking for the next thing that will make them feel good without any thought about the long run. when you look at the track record of those people it's clear to see that destruction is left in the wake of their selfish manipulations.

sometimes finding out "who" someone is can change the way everything looks. the change feels almost immediate and the relief in the core is palpable. that's how i feel today. i realize, now, that i have been waiting for the return of a person that never existed. i have been waiting, bloody heart in hand, day after day after day for the return of a fictional character.

it's sad and it's shocking... at first... and then after an hour or so it's just a huge relief. like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

my brain literally said: "you mean i don't have to wait around for mr. hyde instead of dr. jekyll? you mean i don't have to sit through blaming and accusations? you mean i don't have to compromise absolutely everything and then apologize for that not being enough? you mean i don't have to pretend that love means you sleep with another person? you mean i don't have to trust a liar? you mean it's no longer a hostage negotiation? i don't have to do business with an emotional terrorist?"

and once i realized that it's over... it's really over it suddenly felt as if i could breathe again. as if i've been holding my breath all these months. and i don't know if you know what that feels like. what it's really like to finally exhale and then inhale again. but i can tell you, from my perspective, it feels good. really really good.

knowing what you can change and what you cannot

somedays you have to figure out the hard way what and who you cannot change. that's all you can do... realize what is within your control and what is not. then as my 7 year old said when she got off the phone with her dad yesterday "i have to move on with my life". here's to moving on and letting go.

ps - my heart is definitely in san diego along with my new tattoo..

san diego's southern cross

'cause the truth you might be runnin' from is so small
but it's as big as the promise, the promise of a comin' day
so i'm sailin' for tomorrow, my dreams are a dyin'.....
think about how many times i have fallin'
spirits are using me, larger voices callin'...
....

crosby stills and nash - southern cross





i have learned many things from this past weekend in san diego. i have learned about myself and about what it means to be alive and in this life. i have learned more about family and friendship and about the bonds that hold us together and move us apart than i ever knew was possible. i learned what it means... to love someone so much that the love will endure beyond what we understand. i don't mean romantic love. i mean the love of a family and i mean what happens to the love and the bond when we cannot define it by life. and in some ways i think i mean a romantic love... a romance between a man who is the best father i know and the strongest woman i've ever met who chose to stand beside him. the woman who will continue in his place to be the solid rock and flexible ties that holds a family together in a house with a garden that feels so much like home that i feel lost now that i am not there.

i have not written about this, although it has been going on for quite awhile. i wanted to give privacy to those who needed it and not speak about a future that had not become definite. i still was hoping (and in my heart am still hoping and praying) that the one thing i was most afraid would not come to pass. i write about it now because this is the piece that i can give... my words and my perspective as a salve or an outlet for how much my heart hurts.... unfortunately i am probably the only one who can or will be helped by my words that seem to be unable to express fully what my heart feels like.

my best friend's dad is dying. i don't mean in the abstract way in which this life is not permanent and we are all slowly dying by a series of breaths. i mean in the concrete way in which he will not be living in a set amount of time. i mean that he, for all of his strength and his fight and his power has come up against cancer and it is killing him in small increments. in small enough increments that we still hope that somehow it will turn out differently but big enough increments to rip that hope and your silly human heart to shreds.

it seems that when i think about it logically that it cannot possibly make sense. you would have to know him... but it's not possible. and that cannot possibly be true. it's too awful and it's too big and it's too much and it's not fair.

and i love him. like a father, a mentor and a hero. i love him because of a thousand things but mostly because he is simply him. i love him even more because he gave me my best friend. she has been in my life for 29 years and she is the other half of me. some days it seems she is the better part and the better half.

and some days, like today, my grief seems so big that my heart seems to hurt from growing large enough to hold onto it. the grief is senseless and frightening and beyond what i can manage with human feelings and human words. the grief feels so big that it makes everything else seem pointless in it's wake... like school or grocery shopping or getting new shoes. those small things are all swallowed up into a undefined mess of daily tasks that must happen but seem to hold no joy or interest... but the hardest thing is getting past the feelings of powerlessness and anger at how this could have possibly happened. the even harder part is that she is my best friend and i know how she hurts and i know how i am impotent to help her. i don't know what to say or do... except to say that there is nothing i can do or say and there isn't a way this will be okay.

i will admit that i have been standoffish to my friends and to my boyfriend. i have had a hard time talking about it - my feelings, my fears and what it all means. i know that talking about these things supposedly makes it better but everytime i talk about it i feel like others are overwhelmed with the duty to say it will be okay and it won't. it can't ever be okay... maybe it won't be as bad but it's hard to believe that it will be okay.

and so it is with that knowledge... the knowledge of exactly where we are that i leave you. we are in unchartered territory - on a map of life. and it is just life. and it's terminal. and it works out okay in the end. and it's already tomorrow in australia. and i've been around the world looking for myself (the only woman-girl i know) and i've got to trust that above all things love endures.

and to dawnielle - even though you may start to like karaoke... "what heaven brought you and me cannot be forgotten" - we are family linked together through happiness and tragedy and "you understand why now (we) came this way" and i wouldn't have come any other way. i promise that if you need me i will always come. i'm sorry i cannot do more.

hell in a head gasket

my car is... well... being an issue. and looks like i need a head gasket. *sigh*

i didn't do well on my physics exam last week. *ugh*

i have a calculus exam tomorrow. *bluh*

i have a research paper to write about the effects of environmental racism. *yuck*

the dishes need doing. *......*

however, i got to talk to my favorite chester boy today for an hour and a half. *hooray*

i have a fun activity planned with emma this afternoon post school. and she got 100% on her spelling test last week!! *woohoo*

my coffee was exceptionally awesome this morning. *mmmmm*

i get to see dawnielle this weekend. *sigh, in a good way*


i've decided what happens in life is not personal. this is life. i make choices. some are good and some are flawed. i just take it one day at a time, do what i can do and patiently wait for things to work themselves out. when they work out i am grateful. when it's difficult going or it requires lots of doing i take it one step at a time and cross the bridges as they come. when they don't work out i sigh but am grateful for the lesson. it's all okay and it's just life. it's meant to be challenging and exciting and a learning curve.

i'd still like an instruction booklet though....

the australia version of churchill

my standard quote used to be... 'everything is okay in the end. if it's not okay then it's not the end.'

which was updated to 'don't be sad about the end, it's already tomorrow in australia.'

and now i'd like to amend that further...
Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning.
Sir Winston Churchill

and add to that... it's already tomorrow in australia.

nick rallis and these united states save the day

my ip0d is sorely not me anymore. i hate it when that happens... when suddenly everything you listen to seems to just fit another person or another life. when all the songs remind you of how things used to be like something else or of someone else. suddenly it seems that you have outgrown yourself and you spend a few days wondering what you're going to listen to instead. in truth there is a whole lot of soul searching right before that point but the ip0d is where it's noticed... as if everything was fine until you just can't stand the music you used to love.

i have been on a quest for new things and new ideas... i've been combing hypem.com and every music blog i can find... it's tough going though... not everything is made for loving.

here are some things i have found...
Drag the River - Jeff Black Song

i fell in love with these united states again... specifically the song so high so low so wide so long...
i mean for real... i have a heart pounding sugar coated love thing for them.. like how i feel about mango ice cream. i don't even like ice cream... and yet i love it. i digress...



and if that's not enough to make your heart pitter patter and your face light up at the sheer genius then go here and watch them in the secret garden video:
Hoovesontheturf.com

the music search is probably temporary but while i'm in the throes of missing good tunes feel free to make your suggestions... i'm gettin' desperate here. which i suppose is indicative of more crucial things...

i guess it's something about getting your heart broken... i mean really broken. the kind of heart break that leaves you feeling sort of empty and wondering when it's not going to seem dark. the kind of heart break that only comes from realizing a friend that has been in your life for years has become the worst version of themselves. sometimes addiction and heartache break people and those people just can't honor the good things in their lives. they become thieves and liars. and initially i thought i could forgive it. forgive the theft and the lies. but i cannot. and i don't know what has me so in a funk... i guess simply the loss of the friendship. just in case you've been reading along these past few weeks and wonder what i'm on about lately... i've had to face that a friend is so addicted to their negative vices that he is not able to be anything but a liar. and it has broken my heart.

not like "that"... i have a boyfriend. i always have. we have been on again and off again for years. he's a really good boy. the best kind. he allows me to fall in love with bands and to have my own life - blogging and talking about all these obscure things, to raise my child, to be the person i want to be, to make mistakes, to succeed, to have male friends that break my heart. he supports me and sends me sweet text messages first thing in the morning. he writes me poetry, sings to me (well, he would if i asked him to and does spontaneously sometimes) and if i let him he would even make me banana pancakes. it's so strange that being loved by my best friends, my lover and my family doesn't change how crappy i feel about being betrayed. i suppose all i can continue to do is study for my calculus exam and then wrap myself up in my covers and listen to nick rallis. up loud.

loud enough that it doesn't matter that i found out last what everyone else seemed to know... drug addicts and alcoholics that don't want recovery cannot be saved no matter how much you love them. and while they are stubbornly un-recovered they are ticking time bombs waiting to go off and then lie to everyone to avoid taking responsibility. jameson anyone?

it's very simple really

you don't know what you need...



face to face - disconnected

it's still such a fucking good song. and it makes me happy. happier than a lot of other things. infact i have found today that there are many things that have an inverse proportional relationship to my happiness.

in fairness.... inverse proportional relationships are my new favorite thing.

once upon a time

once upon a time i came across a poetry book that was a compilation of authors, styles etc... and it had the most exquisite poem in it. i wrote in my journal the following in reference to it.

"a red sun stains the lake like colored glass. Day is stopping." - Kayaks, pg. 425

i wrote it to myself as a reminder to return when i could.

i have often thought of that poem like an old lover, a set of sheets that i loved, the phone number of my friend in 6th grade named ian, my lost teddy bear from when i was 9 ... named bearspot...

there are things in the world we lose and we know where they go... our innocence, virginity, money, common sense... and there are things that we lament... relationships, the perfect mixed cd, opportunities.

then there are things that we long for. this poem, in it's entirety is one of those things for me.

yesterday

my friend ryan were walking from one place to another on campus. we pass the "commons" and there are like 6 girls / women up on stage with microphones and loud speakers. i hear one girl say "thongs are the worst" over her microphone and i look at ryan.
me: what the hell is that?
ryan: you didn't hear they're doing the vagina monologues on campus today?
me: jesus.
chick over loudspeaker: if my vagina could talk it would say...

then the doors to the library close behind us
me: if that chick's vagina could talk it would say "shut up! you're embarrassing me."

'member 'bout that?

'member 'bout that line in that blue october song... the hate me song... that says "Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home"... 'member 'bout how when we found it that was so profound... of being in those dark places long enough that visual ugliness seemed like a better place to be.

if you're new here and you don't 'member 'bout that you can go here and listen to it:
hate me - blue october

'member 'bout how we talked about how no matter what happened we would always be friends and 'bout how that's what it means to be friends? yeah, and sometimes i wish you were here to see these other things and hear these other things and see what people are really like sometimes. i wish we could walk down to the beach and we could talk about simplicity and cycles and take a drive and see the lighthouse lady... and talk about chuck palahniuk because i just read his book diary. you know it says in there... "if you don't understand something you can make it mean anything" and know what? he's totally right.

so here is my postcard to you... that i would throw off the space needle in the pitch black of a cold windy evening:
"i trust people and sometimes they let me down. sometimes i take that personally. i'm smarter than that though. it's not personal. i'm still a good person just for the sake of it. i'm not judging i'm just saying that people sometimes are sausage heads. and really... do i look worried?"

the physics of meaning

the physics of meaning it's a band with a great song called aeroplanes and hurricanes... not my favorite like These United States over and over again but it's metaphorical and you know i'm a girl that likes the comfort of things being metaphorical and literal all at the same time. it gives me a strange contented feeling like running my tongue over the same spot on my cheek that i accidentally bit into. to understand that things are working on every plane and every platform and every level. when i find things come together in the perfect symbiosis that is a healthy life experiment i am always elated. excited like i feel when i have deja vu and when i finally see clearly what was right in front of me the whole time.

so anyway, the physics of meaning. what things mean and what is said and implied and how things are interpreted and what expectations are built and how fragile they all are when piled end to end in a tower like form. what that means and how gravity, motion, kinetic and potential energy all apply to tower building and misunderstandings that happen by default because we are imperfect and flawed beings. like building a tower to babel those things - the communications that are missed and the laws of the universe that we have created between us - eventually those come clanging down because the language is no longer understood amongst all the communicators.

i'm not sure how to avoid these things. i try time and time again to communicate just as clearly and honestly as i can but i find more often than not that either i fail or i seem to have misplaced my stupid decoder ring. i wish that i could somehow... just somehow see how delicate things are... when the message i'm getting is that they are perfectly stable. perhaps i'm just one of those people who is too direct, too straight forward or too logical. i, horror of all horrors, take things literally when people tell me what they want, think or feel. i like to overthink and be impulsive and i've found that it just doesn't work because i'm not a mind reader and truth be known i'm just not that smart. so i've worked hard to let people be what they are, accept what they are giving, wait until the message changes before i jump to conclusions. i thought that was all good stuff... being redemptive or neutral instead of reactive. however... every once in a while i realize about 10 hours too late that i've missed the secret message written in invisible ink and i am left with the pieces of the tower that i didn't even build.

so from now on... if you're looking for a place to dump your expectations, judgment, secret messages, implications and unspoken ideas... you need to do it on your side of the street. those things aren't mine. and it hurts my feelings to know that even when you promise that we're on the same page and i trust you that it could change at a moment's notice. i'm simply not ready for those if, ands, or buts. we have built something so strong and wonderful. i'm surprised that it could be blown over by something that seemed to be so within our realm of what we could together deal with. that uncertainty and that doubt and fear is not about being... that's about doing and i'm definitely not allowed to do that.

also want to say on a dorky side note that today i finally understood arrhenius equation and can solve for the variables and even use the integrated equation. i was proud and kinda nervous.... sometimes success is as scary as failure. i did find it coincidental that the things in the equation seem to apply to my personal situation today. if you'll indulge me (which you will because it's my blog) i'll show you what i found kind of amazing...
the equation is as follows:
k = Ae ^Ea/Rt
where k is the rate constant
A is the frequency factor
Ea is the activation energy
R is a given constant (8.314 J/mol)
and t is the temperature.

so.... now you apply it to life
k is the rate at which interactions take place
A is the frequency at which they successfully occur
Ea is the effort required to make the interaction positive and fruitful
R is the constant or the basis - your personal values, morals and ideals that offer common ground
t is still the temperature but we can use the scale of "cold" to "hot" for "dislike" to "love"

i promise if you start plugging in numbers from your personal life you will find that it works.... because chemistry is not subjective and it is not about decoder rings. it is all about clean science that is logical and perfect and if i could i would only live in that world... because well.... it makes so much sense.

i've been wondering how we got here....

the royal "we" of course. the "we" that speaks of uncertainty and never fingers a victim or a culprit or points at anyone in particular. the "we" that is palatable and comfortable and avoids confrontation and bad feelings and uncertainty. it's a nice "we". it's so sweet and innocent and innocuous.... it's something i've built a lot of my life on. that fear and avoidance of confrontation has become a whole piece of me that i use to maintain what i've built.... and oh have i ever built a glass house. it's one that several people have thrown stones at... and throw away. i've got plenty of glass to repair the things that you shatter with your ill chosen words, your inconsiderate judgments and your general misunderstanding of what i think believe and feel. i know myself and my life and my path and i know how we got here... and i would like to say that it was one big bar tab after another, you know crummy airport bar after crummy airport bar and seedy motel after seedy motel in a string of happenstance occurances that took hold and steered the vessel into the port that we're in. i would like to say it was some version of a hard luck story and that i wasn't to blame.. i had excuses or reasons or justifications. but i don't. it was a series of decisions made with the best intentions and the worst planning. it's strange to believe that we've gotten here - to this junction in the road through thought and discussion and planning. it's almost silly how something rooted in love and hope can take a turn into such a tawdry little one horse town filled with desperation, loneliness and angry hurt feelings.

i guess it's easy to just sum it all up: the road to hell is paved with good intentions and you can throw stones at my glass house right here on the corner of hell avenue and ill-remembered love way.

something you might not know about me...

something you might not know about me is that i have a temper. i rarely lose it and i try to never let it get the best of me even when i'm past the point of being patient or understanding. not a lot of people know this about me because usually i'm the one that can see all sides and understands everyone's point of view... even when that point of view is contrary to mine or it includes people not being a big fan of me or my actions. i mean the world takes all kinds.... and i am grateful for the opportunity to learn from all situations. only through the eyes of an enemy can you see the best and the worst version of yourself. i thank the people in my life that choose to be enemies for the chance to practice forgiveness and patience. i use it to practice being mindful about my words, behavior and the type of situations that i get myself into.

moreover, i usually refrain from defending myself or justifying my actions. i've learned after trying time and time again that there is no reason for defense or justification. if i've done something wrong i'll apologize and ask how to make it right. if i've done the right thing based on what i know in my core to be true and right then i will not defend it - think what you will and judge me how you will. i only have myself and the universe to be right with and i am at peace with both.

so the only thing i can say AT THIS POINT to the person of late who is really challenging my peaceful existence and policy of loving even your enemy is:

FUCKING EVOLVE ALREADY. GROW UP AND LET IT GO. THIS FALLS UNDER THE HEADING OF THE TRIFECTA: WORK, CRAZY OR STUPID AND WE'RE ALL FULL UP ON THAT SHIT HERE. JUST FUCKING EVOLVE. PLEASE! BECAUSE YOU ARE TRYING MY PATIENCE, MY FORGIVENESS AND MY LOVE.... AND IF WE'RE ALL BEING HONEST I DON'T WANT TO SPEND ANY MORE TIME ON IT. I WANT TO LIVE MY NICE LIFE WITHOUT WORRYING ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT OTHER PEOPLE GET IT.

and yes i feel much better now. much better thanks. and yes i know the internet is just a bunch of 1s and 0s anyway so who gives a shit really. even more importantly... i'm totally above this.... i'm literally and metaphorically above it.

how to stay alive forever

it's two for one day... it's two blogs in one day... it happens sometimes... and i'm going to say that it's because i'm fucking awesome but what it's really about is that i've been on my china / tibet / political awareness soap box for a week and i've got some other things to say... just a few things... and in fairness i found this awesome website and i laughed out loud and i thought that as a reward for continuing to read despite my affiliation with very liberal views and world peace diatribes you should be rewarded by something fabulous:

1000 Life Lessons or HOW TO STAY ALIVE FOREVER

seriously... spend some time reading it. it's genius... then come back here and hear all about how my life has changed drastically in the past 7 days. no really it has... i'm not just saying that as some abstruse carrot dangling before your pretty little head.

first let's start with the playlist cuz listening to greatness while reading how things are is always lots of fun.


so i've been learning and growing and changing in this past week... on the eternal road to self knowledge, self awareness, forgiveness, patience and love... it's a pretty big mission statement but i get up everyday and i give it the good old college try. i don't even really know what that means but i know i try. so here is a recap of what i've learned....

1. sweating the small stuff is still a really bad idea. let go of the things that are inconsequential or can't be changed. it will change your perspective, a bad hair cut and your perspective on friendships and lifelong bonds.

2. anyone who is involved in a miscommunication is 50% at fault. yep. even you. you were there and so you were involved and so you either didn't speak clearly or you didn't listen fully.

3. lessons in life are hard to learn sometimes. that doesn't mean you are stupid or on the wrong page metaphorically speaking. sometimes you're overthinking it. sometimes you aren't thinking about it enough. either way once the lesson becomes clear embrace it, take note of it and move forward with confidence.

4. people that blame and get defensive have something to hide. they aren't being forthright, they are making excuses for inexcusable behavior and you can let them go. it's really a moot point once you get into the phrase "i did it because..." all you need to hear is that they did it. when a person doesn't take responsibility for their actions everything else is pointless.

5. everything in the world and in the universe starts and ends with love. it is the purpose of life, it is the purpose of death, it is the purpose of living and it is the thing that defines us. it is the only truth. it makes sense on every level - science, philosophy, religion and emotionally. everything ever worth talking about or experiencing is about loving and the feelings that come from that love - positive or negative - it's all from the same beginning.

6. good music is still good even if no one else loves it like you do.

7. if you wait for external validation for your thoughts and words and emotions you will be waiting along ass time. go ahead and validate yourself.

8. six year olds are capable of understanding human interaction in a simple and perfect way. they are also sometimes difficult but they give really good hugs and take awesome naps.

9. bad things happen to good people. good things happen to bad people. it all comes out in the wash. additionally it's not always apparent from the outset what the outcome will be - sometimes bad things end up being good and vice versa.

10. jameson and ginger ale fix almost all that ails a person.

look at what you've done...

if you take a moment and review today's news i think that you will see... you... the reader and the people that have spoken out for tibet and for justice and for righteousness.... you will see the reward for signing petitions and being resolute in the face of tyranny. i'll just say that today i am proud of what has been accomplished and i am hopeful that there is awareness... that there is openness to building a better world. i am grateful to see the House of Representatives speaking out against the chinese government. i am happy that people are finally beginning to see that the chinese government has not only oppressed it's own people, continued a regime of terror and genocide in tibet but ALSO supported the sudanese government in darfur... not to mention their disgraceful and disgusting human rights violations... (in case you were wondering it rivals the former government in iraq).

here are some clips of news from today:
"In Washington, meanwhile, the House of Representatives overwhelmingly passed a resolution criticising China's "disproportionate and extreme" response to protests in Tibet.

By 413 votes to one, the House called on China to release Tibetans imprisoned after peacefully demonstrating, and allow international monitors and journalists unfettered access to Tibetan areas of China." - BBC World News

or watch it here - a good overview of last night and today...

Olympic Torch Protest in San Francisco

although i have other things on my mind tonight they will have to wait... there are more important things than my own personal complaints about the life i have created for myself.

tonight the most important thing is that we are on the eve of the Olympic Torch protest in San Francisco.

you can view the BBC's footage of the protest in London here: Olympic Torch Protest in London

i ask humbly and simply that you really really think about the actions of the Chinese Government and their history of human rights violations. i remember very clearly the tiananmen square protests of 1989. we lived in hong kong then and it was a moment that i will never forget. some people know exactly where they were when jfk was killed or when elvis died. i'll never forget that footage and the knowledge that a government can oppress and erase whatever it is they see before them that they don't agree with. i suppose some people think that i'm just off on a tangent here... going on about what is pc or what is currently popular.... and i have ceased to try to be understood in this world. i have accepted that all i can do is use my words, heart and mind for good and let everyone else sort themselves out. keep my side of the street clean as my friend zach says.... sometimes thats the best a girl on the punk rock retirement plan can manage.

i wish i could more clearly express that i believe everything comes down to love. it's the basis of the universe. it is the basis of science, religion and of basic human instinct. love is the answer. it's in everything and causes everything. you can manifest whatever destiny you want... i'm choosing to manifest one based in love that asks for peace and harmony in the world, in the hearts of man and in our understanding. i am asking for these things simply because there is no other logical conclusion to come to.

tonight or tomorrow as you hold the things dear to you close remember that autonomy, democracy, freedom and free will come at price. you have the responsibility to use it for the good of the whole and to bring the universe to right. you have one job and it's to love - yourself, others and most importantly the global community and the planet. make a difference. change the world. do one small thing. use the voice you have been given. i promise that if you do it in love the harmony, peace and love will come back to you tenfold.

i leave you tonight with a simple prayer for peace for the world, health and comfort for His Holiness the Dalai Lama and for a peaceful protest tomorrow in San Francisco that reverberates through the american nation so loudly that we are moved to action on the global front.

May all beings everywhere plagued
with sufferings of body and mind
quickly be freed from their illnesses.
May those frightened cease to be afraid,
and may those bound be free.
May the powerless find power,
and may people think of befriending
one another.
May those who find themselves in trackless,
fearful wilderness--
the children, the aged, the unprotected--
be guarded by beneficent celestials,
and may they swiftly attain Buddhahood.

The Buddha

ever get that feeling...

ever get that feeling that you aren't such a great friend? ever get that pang in your chest when you realize that you haven't honoured someone you should have? ever wonder how you still have a friend in which you can reach emotional intimacy with in a matter of minutes regardless of how long it's been since you've spoken? ever wonder how when someone has a plate full of their own problems and pain and shitty stuff they still manage to have love and empathy and an open heart for the small shit you're currently sweating?



all i can say is i am a damn lucky girl to have a friend like jay. and so for him this is the song you must have on repeat in your life... because " I find the map and draw a straight line, Over rivers, farms, and state lines, The distance from 'A' to where you'd be, It's only finger-lengths that I see, I touch the place where I'd find your face, My finger in creases of distant dark places"

i'll just say aloud i love him more than crushed ice and i am grateful for the trust, respect and the love. i'm also grateful that he knows that i am imperfect but getting better everyday. i'll also say aloud that if i could be anywhere right now... i would be in massachusetts where we could sit under the dark sky and talk until dawn.

clarification...

i rarely go back and explain myself... i rarely think i need to. i kinda figure that if people don't get it then they just don't get it and i'll be honest... i may be a little too okay with that. perhaps that's elitist or whatever... i don't mean it to be that way i'm just that far into what i'm saying... it is after all my blog and my wavelength and my life. for better or worse it's all mine.

but tonight when i checked my email i got a note that said my last blog sounded angry - no not the one about being sick but the one about chicken noodle soup for the crotch.... and so i'd like to spend a moment or two to extrapolate.

angry? no. it's contemplative and despite what it appears written in prose - i was actually quite proud of that, the rhyme and rhythym and rise and fall, it has a pattern of lines and of words and if i took the time to break it out as it should be viewed or as it formed in my head that might be more apparent. if you look around you might find that a lot of my writing has hidden little allusions to poetry in them. i also loved that it starts and ends with the same thought process. it's stream of consciousness writing about the struggle and conflict that comes with the dichotomy of loving someone and disliking them in the same moment. it's about regret born of choices before i was aware enough of myself to know about choices and regrets - because everything up until then had sort of happened to me... i had never happened to anyone or anything. it's about the grey area that hearts and minds and personalities get into when there are no black / white / lines delineated before us. it's about offering an olive branch of open communication using the last known method of viable communication tactics. it's about putting everything out there in the universe - the good, the bad and the emotionally raw in the earnest hope that somehow once everyone is on the same page that something positive can come from it.

so in response.... angry? no....

trust me. you'll know when i'm angry.