i'm going to say this again...

i'm going to say this again because:
a. it's ridiculous
b. it makes no sense
c. i feel like i have to admit my sins against good music... absolve myself for loving really really bad music

i still love this song and the lyrics... just give it a listen and tell me you don't dance at all, feel a twinge, want to at least swing your finger in time to the beat or kinda sing along... it's like crack. i seriously can't stop.... the listening not crack... duh... crack kills... remember?

does this make me a double agent?

so i'm going to let the general public in on a few secrets and it may make me a double agent... or a whistle blower... or just an asshole... all of which i am completely comfortable with.

next let's get down to business and then relate it back to you and me... because in fairness that's what we do here. i talk about me and you read and see if you agree or disagree with my words. i get the big box because i made the page and you get the small box to say whatever else you would like. i think that's pretty fair.

so the truth of the matter is that women, girls, females, members of the species with vaginas and boobs are crazy. they crawl down into this canyon called the canyon of crazy and then they cry about things that are not logical. sometimes they can't help it - it's a hormonal thing or they are having a moment of stress. just like when boys, men or members of the species with penises say really stupid insensitive things... you don't mean it and we try to forgive you. i hope no one reading this is surprised about these statements... and save your comments about how you are the exception to the rule because there is no exception to the rule. honestly. this broad generalization includes even me. now i know you are shocked that i am not perfect. i know you are surprised that i don't have a track record of perfect actions, thoughts and behaviours. yeah. i know. i'm disappointed too. so are my parents.

so my particular brand of crazy... which i've spent years working through with a laundry list of not very qualified therapists, boyfriends that hurt as much as they helped, friends that listened and had no answers for me... since they're all crazy too and lastly a weird mix of strangers and acquaintances that happened to see or be involved in my climb into or out of the canyon of crazy.... anyway, my particular brand is an especially nasty version... and every once in a awhile it pops up it's ugly dragon head.

sometimes i'm even filled with the urge to drunk dial in the middle of the night or write long blogs disclosing all of my problems and issues and the roots of them... sometimes like right now when i am five drinks into my snow bound evening in kearney, nebraska i actually get a twinge of an emotion i don't have much experience with and i certainly don't understand... envy. (different than jealousy mind you...) on that note i will leave you with this little nugget of awesomeness:

finding my path to the future intertwined with my past

a playlist dedicated to the year we graduated from high school:

i have long suspected that long portions of my life... significant portions have been lost to the sands of time... i don't really know what i mean by lost. perhaps those days have been blocked from my memory, perhaps the indiscretions of those years has done some sort of permanent damage or perhaps it is the natural progression of things... to forget our childhood and our past as we grow into something bigger and sometimes better.

i think back to those times and cringe. i think about all the things i didn't know. i think about all the things that were looming in my future. i think about all the shit that lays between where i am now and those days.

i suppose that the most accurate thing to say is that i survived those years. barely. i attempted and almost succeeded at self destruction. now it seems so strange. how painful and real the demons and dragons were. i'm surprised i made it. i'm surprised that i am who i am.

those things... a string of bad boyfriends that did their best to perpetuate my unhealthy ideas about myself, a string of bad choices that left me estranged from my family and my roots, a string of circumstances that were so in my control and yet so far from my control... a string of years that i've chosen to put behind me because i couldn't quite figure out how to go through them.

on this side of things and on the cusp of returning to the places of my near spiritual, emotional and mental demise i feel something creeping up. i feel regret, embarrassment and an urge to put things to right. could i go back in time and find all those old things and undo them? could i go back and face those demons? could i perhaps put them behind me for good and become closer to being the person i've wanted to be all these years?

things are uncertain from where i sit... in des moines with the threat of snow keeping me here... all i can do is move forward as i have always done.... hope that after all these years when the memories come floating back that all the places i've gone - inside myself and geographically have prepared me for my next step.

phoenix (now pronounced fa-ho-nix)....

roads and homes...

hard to say what i'm feeling... hard to express my mood. is tired a mood? they say the road to hell is paved with good intentions and i have a car full of stuff and good intentions ready to leave in the morning. the disconnect from my friends and family feels palpable. i suppose it's the mode i get into each time i leave somewhere. i'm not sure if it's an official known fact but... i leave well. i'm good at leaving. i'm great at departures. i guess i've done it so many times in my life that it's second nature to pull everything into my head for processing later.there are flutters of nervousness in my stomach. i'm not really sure what that is all about except the obvious. brakes, what it will be like on the other side, how the camping will be and if it will all go smoothly. perhaps there isn't much to say beyond these few lines.

i'm sure everyone knows the drill... i'll see you on the other side... the west coast as it were... i'll try to give a call when i have nothing but road in front of me and sun shining. i'll try to take pictures of myself, oddities and trees. i'll journal the old fashioned way for the next few days if i can't blog here and post whatever i come up with when i get to shannon's house.

i'm now stealing from mackenzie

i totally stole this from mackenzie... you should be her friend... she is awesome... and i apparently steal from her so you now know what kind of fucking friend i am. lucky mackenzie KNOWS what a dragon looks LIKE... so she knows i've sunk pretty low in christmases past and perhaps she won't be so disappointed in me based on the fact i didn't get her fired this year...

i you never listen to anything else i ever say in my whole life you must listen to this one thing...
WATCH THE VIDEO BELOW... it's fucking magical and wonderful and just changed my life.



oh and you can find mackenzie here: mackenzie on myspace

some roadtrip advice... to myself... or you...

as i start this blog the playlist is playing in my ears and i have to admit the sound of the bass from the shins makes me want to dance a little...

not the kind of dancing that you do when you are out and aboot but the kind where you are sitting somewhere and you kind of shake your hips to the beat... sometimes we even move our head with it and make it a whole upper body kind of dance. a chair dance if you will. the dance you do in the car with the radio cranked while you're driving on the highway. perhaps even while you are driving there are miles peeling away and although you're on your way to a destination it seems like forever lays between you and there. sometimes there is a break in the monotony of the landscape that catches your eyes for just a second. a horse, an old farmhouse, a tractor rusting in a field, a sign with something bizarre written in red paint or just a tree that is outstretched and welcoming as if a picnic beneath it's branches would be welcomed and appreciated. your eyes snap back to the dotted line in front of you and you continue to drive. you think abstractly about life. about the things you've done. about where you've been. about the people you know. about the things you hope to do. about what you think all those things mean. you wonder if you are hungry or have to pee because there is a small town on the horizon. chances are you want to stop but somehow you just keep driving because we can't stop in every small town in america otherwise we'd never get anywhere now would we?

sometimes you do stop. you pull over and go to little restaurants like the wheat montana deli
or a little truck stop that has a bored clerk ringing up purchases beneath a dirty shirt and a flat smile. in those truck stops it's nice to wander the aisles for a few minutes and really see what it is that they have to offer. it gives a nice break from the constant stream of questions and thoughts that seem to have taken over the car. sometimes you chide yourself in an annoyed voice about how you should just stop worrying about so much and relax. enjoy the drive and whatnot. sometimes you tell yourself to shut the fuck up and buy a gatorade even though there is already one in the car... or a fountain soda even though they aren't good for you and you don't even really like them.

here is what i have to say to you. yes the chair / car dance is cute and yes all the questions are somewhat annoying. i understand that if you have to spend 5 days or so not speaking to anyone but yourself that you may get a little sick of yourself no matter how funny or interesting you are. what i don't understand is why you can't just enjoy the silence. wait for big ideas and thoughts to come to you. perhaps this time is better spent contemplating the space / time continuum or a clean energy source. why do we have to revisit the old shit? the old disappointments? the old ideas that have been discarded because they aren't applicable to our current life? i know you don't really want to leave for this destination and i know you have been somewhat homesick for connecticut. there is nothing anyone can do about these things. you simply have to move forward. you have to. we're taking a positive attitude and pretending that everything is fine because in all fairness possession is 9/10ths of the law and if motion and attitude invade your mind you'll have no choice but to be positive.

in fact i'll go out on a limb and say that this next roadtrip is just what you need to be able to process the last few months. there is a value in being disconnected... off the grid if you will... there will be some camping in iowa / nebraska and then you'll be with the lovely lala. between lala and phoenix there is another 1000 miles or so and perhaps there will be another night spent camping... although i hope not in albuquerque because you know how we feel about that place. it's not that it's bad... it's just that it's well... boring like a huge strip mall but not the good kind with a secret restaurant tucked into the corner or a little shop in which you can buy stationary that you'll never write letters on but the bad kind that has check cashing places and curio shops. god we hate curio shops. not antique shops mind you... just curio shops. we love old stuff and really are bored and disgusted by new shiny things that clutter lives and shelves... there isn't enough room in your life for new things to clutter anything considering all the old things we're still carrying around and moving from state to state.

on that topic; perhaps while you're on your roadtrip if you have time between melodies from the shins and little chair dances you may want to think about some of those old things and try to get them all worked out in your head. you may even want to stop in some small towns along the way and see if there is anything there that will somehow explain how it is that you are where you are and why the hell you're doing it.

guilty pleasure....

i have to admit two things:
1. i secretly love this song
2. i don't care who knows
just listen to it once all the way through and then tell me you don't like it at ALL... there is something about it..... maybe it's her lyrics and the fact she refers to the idea that we always get what we ask for and what we deserve. i don't know but it makes me happy...

new music saturday

in case you wonder on a real level what this means... i'll explain. i go through about 300 songs from the top music blogs the past week and choose what i can stand to listen to. that doesn't mean that it's the only good stuff out there. it just means that it's stuff i think is good and worth a listen to. i'll add that this week with the impending crisis known as christmas upon us i had to wade through so much shitty fucking holiday music i thought i might give up... i seriously hate christmas music - on the radio, internet, in stores and in the house. but that is besides the point... the point is that here is this week's new music.

ps - i really wanted the peaches - fuck the pain away to make this list this week but the song still sucks. i love the title and hate the song... i don't think there is a blog for that... or is there? hmmm

great lake swimmers - your rocky spine
meg baird - do what you gotta do
anna ternheim - i'll follow you tonight
the swimmers - pocket full of gold
modest mouse - missed the boat

and yeah i know that last one isn't new... i know already... but i just started loving it... so it counts

you must love this

i'll be honest... this song does something inside me... i have a better sounding m4a on my computer but i can't find one on the 'net to let y'all listen to...

a playlist, a mood, a novel of sorts..

so the way it's been going lately i've been publishing a blog and a playlist a day. i'd like to make it a blog, a playlist and a picture at some point but seeing as i'm preparing for a move and transition i think the picture thing may have to wait awhile.... we'll see how things go. for now here is the playlist:

the strange thing about the play list is that not even i know whats going to be on it until i sit down to write and then whatever music feels right as i'm putting these words down is what ends up playing in the background. even if it seems like you don't like what is on there you should listen... just so you get the whole thing... you know the "thing"... the ambiance, the scene... the whatever the fuck i'm trying to create here besides a chronicle of my days. also sort of interesting to me as i'm working on this version (the third incarnation of my "blog") is that i no longer plan what i'll say during the day. i sit down and spend time and let it all flow... whatever comes to mind i talk about.

even when i think of what is here i'm a little weirded out... it's my words, my actions, my thoughts and all my shit on the internet... i don't know if you know but that's huge.
'pardon my french sir but it's a big ass' ... world. sometimes i wonder to myself if there is value to documenting the crazy shit that cycles in my head, my moods and my perspectives. i spend a lot of time analyzing, processing and thinking and it seems too big for me sometimes. i sometimes wonder who on earth will ever want to know how i made the decisions that i did by reading a day to day record of how i got there...

i thought perhaps that tonight instead of going on and on about whatever is in my head i would instead put the latest finished (sort of chapter) piece of what we are at this point referring to as a novel of sorts... i think one person may have already read this and so it will be disappointing to him but in fairness he disappointed me tonight with perhaps the most disturbing thing i've ever processed or seen in my life... my whole life... and i've seen some pretty fucked up shit. so for the rest of you who aren't bad bad bad friends i give you what is below...

perhaps before we get there we should note that this is just a portion of the chapter and the overall novel of sorts that is STILL unfinished because i'm lazy and stuck in my writing... a whole other topic... and it is NOT about me... and that you may like or not like what you read. that's fine. i'm interested in your opinion... maybe....

Chapter 7 ?
Part 1: "It seemed so ridiculous. There was no way I could keep a baby. Even knowing that I wasn’t ready for that responsibility I fantasized about running away and never speaking to him again. The sweet baby with his hair and eyes growing inside me. The child that we had created in a city full of sunlight and history. How I would raise a child alone – bravely – and in the end I would know I had done the right thing. That was the truth. I knew I was doing the wrong thing. I was sinning against the hope and the comfort I had found in him. I was taking the memory of Mac that had been given to me in the years after he left and sullying it with poor decision making. I was ashamed of who I had become.

I began to stay awake all night because I had nightmares of Mac not loving me anymore once he knew what I had done. I felt sure that if Mac was watching he would despise me. I was throwing away a glimmer of hope and a life that wasn’t mine to discard. Without the comfort of sleep I sat on the porch each night just to watch the dawn and make a list of all the things I had become; the list came down to a fairly concise summary. Liar, hypocrite, and failure. I recited those words to myself through all my other daily tasks, only broken by the interior monologue in which I would tell Finn that I didn’t care what he thought and I would choose instead to make myself happy.

The night before I was to pick up the prescription for RU486 I couldn’t stand to think of him, and yet I knew that at some point I would have to face him and talk to him. He hadn’t called and as I lay in bed I silently cursed him for telling me things that had given my hope, he had said he wouldn’t leave me that he would stand by me. I had chosen this because I knew it was best for him. I knew then that he wasn’t what I thought, and that I had made a mistake but it was too late to go back on my word now. I fell asleep for the last night with both hands on my belly. As I drifted off to sleep I cursed him and repeated my new mantra to myself – liar, hypocrite, and failure.

The morning was grey, as if it knew what was in store. I woke before the alarm and watched the minutes tick by with my hand on my abdomen. I had not prayed in years but I prayed now; asking God or Buddha or the Universe to secure a painless and easy death for my baby. I knew that once I got up there would be no saving myself or the baby that was innocent to an immature father and a cowardly mother. I asked for the strength to turn off my phone and never see him again, I asked for him to be struck dead, and I asked wordlessly for forgiveness for what I knew was the wrong decision.

I dressed slowly, waves of morning sickness washing over me and I prepared myself for the task that was ahead. I called him on my way, and his voice was filled with enthusiasm and relief; just the sound of his voice made my want to slit my wrists. I pictured it completely in my head. Turning my car around, walking up the stairs to my apartment. Taking out a knife and sitting in the claw foot bathtub fully dressed. I imagined pressing it deep into my right wrist first from the base of my palm all the way up to the middle of my forearm and then struggling to complete the same task on my left.

I silently begged for him to understand and relent, or for the strength to admit that I couldn’t go through with this horrible task, but neither came. I arrived at the clinic and forced my legs to carry me inside, at first I believed that I would pick up the prescription and never take it, instead I would disappear and do the right thing but the harsh florescent light and the bleak interior immediately dashed my bravery. The receptionist smiled and gave up the prescription in exchange for $425, I signed two pieces of paper with my hands shaking and turned and walked out."

Part 2: "I stumbled drug laden and semi-conscious into the kitchen and found a note.
“Gone to work. Be back tonight. Stay away from sharp objects, whiskey and pills.”
I would have laughed at his humour if I hadn’t felt dead inside. I would have smiled at the flippant sarcasm if I didn’t think it was somewhat true. He really didn’t want for me to kill myself at work. He hadn’t beaten around the bush or tried to cover up his request.
I went into the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror for the first time in a long time. I saw my hair dull and tangled in a halo of frizzy wisps around my face. I saw the dark circles around my eyes and the empty shine in my eyes. I saw for the first time what a baby killer looked like. I began to weep softly at first and then cry harder as the emotion found an outlet. I held onto the corner of the sink and leaned in close the shiny cold surface of the mirror to see if I could find any trace of Mac inside me.
I only saw myself and my current situation. I only saw a coward and then in a sudden moment my breath caught in my throat. I couldn’t breathe. I felt as if my lungs were on fire and my heart was pounding so hard that it would impale itself on my ribs. Panic rushed into every part of me. It ran to all my limbs and I was completely terrified. Every last part of Mac was dead. He was gone for sure now. I had left him when I was a teen, buried him, found him again in another man, been left and then killed him again with misdirected hope. I had been chasing a person to love me and that I would honour my whole life. I had been looking for a solid trust and love for longer than I could remember and had thrown a perfect love away in exchange for the hope that Finn would love me. A tit for a tat. A trade. A fucking misguided sick idea of what it would take for someone to stop and notice me.
I thought of my father. How he wouldn’t be surprised if he saw me here and knew everything. How he would laugh and enjoy this moment of my complete failure. I thought of Mac and how he would be so sadly and completely disappointed and ashamed of me. How he would look at the ground and then look at me in disgust at this moment of losing myself. I thought of Finn and how he was so pleased with my choice and how he had never loved me. How he would never call me again and was relieved that the worst was over. I realized that I had disappointed myself and the only man I had ever loved and made two other men happy.
The world turned for a second. It went dark around the edges and bright white in the middle. Only my eyes were visible and white spots danced in my line of vision. Without warning there was a loud crack. Stiff sharp pain filled my right fist. The mirror fell in long jagged pieces into the sink and onto the floor. I looked at my knuckles and at the silver glinting piece shoved in between the second and third fingers. I watched maroon velvet liquid well up and then run down both fingers into the sink. When it touched the white cold porcelain the colour changed to a softer red. The small rivers looked like tears dripping from my hand into the drain. I reached over and pulled out the shard with my left hand. The minute it was released from its comfortable nest small spurts flowed more quickly into the sink. I grabbed one of my towels and wrapped it around my hand and walked slowly back to bed.
I woke and it was dark. I smelled the heavy acrid aroma of cigarette smoke and followed it out to the porch. Colin looked up from his Physics book.
“I thought I said stay away from sharp objects.”
“You did. I don’t fucking listen.”
Colin didn’t say anything. Instead he grasped my left hand; the one without dried blood and a gash in it. We sat there quietly until the moon rose high into the sky and the stars danced into the tree tops."

cute hair, good music, great mood

so i got a new haircut and it's even cuter and sassier than the last one. i love love love cute and sassy hair! additionally there are pictures below but first we must take care of the playlist for today! find that below... but beware that i am in a mood for guilty pleasures and some top 40s music... it's my i can't wait to get the fuck on the road mix... and not because i can't wait to get there but because i love road trips:

so i've thrown down the gauntlet that i've never been cuter in my life and i never will. this haircut is my favourite in a long long time... to be honest it's been such a long time since i've loved my hair that i can't stop looking at this new do. maybe that's why i'm so cute because i think i am... they say feeling that way inside makes it look like it on the outside... whatever it is i am so thankful that caroline could fit me in for one last haircut and that she was generous enough to let me copy her super cute hair.

i'm leaving on a road trip on monday. really it's an excited nervous high - i'm leaving WISCONSIN!!! so long suckers and snow and i'm going to be on the road. i love pulling out with all my stuff in the car and being in total control of what happens for the days i'm on the road. remember i'm pretty much no maintenance these days - so camping on the side of the road, sleeping in my car, eating oatmeal or granola bars and fruit and drinking truck stop coffee are things that make me a happy happy girl. add taking self portraits while pulled over in random spots and taking pictures of trees and you have magic as far as i'm concerned. i just can't wait. i can't wait... oh and i think it could go without saying but i won't leave it... cuz well i'm just in that kind of mood... i'll be done with passive aggressiveness and i can officially say "i got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one..." already i can feel myself feeling restless and excited... happy... elated... i'm literally beaming. sometimes it's good to be free right before the shackles are officially locked onto your limbs again... after this it will be back to work until april... but it's been an awesome run -- october 1st to now without working one day. unless you consider dealing with family stress, 10 inches of snow and worrying everyday about how it's possible that everything is going to work out a jobby job. which now that it's all over i really don't... i definitely enjoyed my little hiatus from the slave force that is our economy.

the roadtrip plan goes like this: leave 'sconsin on monday sometime before noon. drive about 9 hours into nebraska - omaha (ish) and find a place to sleep for the night...
tuesday morning get up for some truck stop coffee and then drive about 8 hours into denver... where i will stay tuesday & wednesday with my sister the lovely lala who is great. i plan to have great times with her and meet her kitten optimus prime and then perhaps we'll have some drinks and stay up late talking about everything in the world and how the ocean makes problems seem smaller since it is so so so big. additionally we'll probably take cute pictures of ourselves in sunglasses and make funny faces.
thursday morning ish get up and drive to pueblo to see uncle tony and brigette. stay thursday night in their brand new nice house and have some drinks and good times... plus confirm our cabin reservation for our april trip.
friday morning get up and drive the 11 hours into phoenix and end up at shannon's house just in time for the weekend!
hopefully my cell phone will get fixed on the road - as soon as i can find a t-mobile store - those stupid mother effers. i hate that i have a $400 phone that doesn't do anything except hold phone numbers. it's totally stupid!

so many good good things. new hair, roadtrip and the planning of the april trip to the canyon.

the april trip is an awesome plan and no matter who shows up i'm going. i'm totally going. all the other suckers can sit around discussing if they want to go, if it's too early to plan and all the other sucker details. it may just end up being zach, liam and i. if that's how it all shakes out i think it will still be awesome! we're planning a week with some days up at the family cabin in flagstaff, at least two days hiking and one night in the grand canyon and then MAYBE overnight in vegas.... it's the best of all worlds: activity, a once in a lifetime event, relaxation and VEGAS! what other kind of vacation could you do all those things???? seriously it's four months away and i'm super excited.

so things are good. i have good things in front of me. i have good friends with me. i have good in my heart and i'm finding the good in things instead of being miserable about the changes. it's all a state of mind right? right?? yes. it's all a state of mind. i'm rocking my new hair and an awesome mix of songs while thinking about how everything will work out. it simply will.

journeys require emerson

Be not the slave of your own past. Plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep and swim far, so you shall come back with self-respect, with new power, with an advanced experience that shall explain and overlook the old. - Emerson

despite the fact that i find myself lost in the forest of my life, despite that there are times where my woods are of my own making but no less bewildering and overwhelming than the foreign woods of some uncharted territory, despite the idea that sometimes i cannot see the forest for the trees.... despite these things and even in spite of them i find that i have a true north. my compass always works although my hands sometimes shake, my head sometimes questions my instincts and my body sometimes resists the next step. i have been blessed with a path, a way and a knowledge that within the parameters of this internal barometer i have safety and certainty.

there is also a safety net. it's a good thing for a girl of my age and of my past track record to have. it is a net sturdy safe and trustworthy. i have difficulty expressing my gratitude sometimes... even i struggle for the words that outline how i feel. how do you categorize or identify the swelling pounding deep breathing contentment that comes with safe harbour and with sanctuary? how can i explain in tangible sentences what it feels like to be able to dial a phone number and hear a voice - live or recorded - and share my joy / anger / sadness without fearing judgment or criticism? moreover how i can i put into a line or card how it feels to relieve my chest of that burden and feel all the more whole or sane for being able to really speak freely? can one ever express to another human what it feels like to receive love, respect, sympathy, honour and earnest whole listening?

i can tell you simply that it feels like fresh air swimming into my lungs past a swollen achy love filled heart. it feels as if my chest cannot expand to encompass the sensation.

when others wonder if they are worthy of such greatness... when others strive to understand how that perfection and love came into their lives... i sit and marvel at the gift i have been given. i know in those moments not only am i worthy but that the perfection in my presence is a star guiding me on my journey.

so i continue my message from yesterday... i am grateful. today is an affirmation that i have every reason to be grateful and content.


Whoever is open, loyal, true; of humane and affable demeanour; honourable himself, and in his judgement of others; faithful to his word as to law, and faithful alike to God and man....such a man is a true gentleman. - Emerson

13 years squared

i just realized that my sister, emma and i are 13 years apart squared.... i'm thirteen years older than my sister who is 13 years older than emma.... is that the mark of the beast or something? or is it just fucking lucky?

my sister is one of my favourite human beings... she helped me create uppie doos, is always down to wear some sunglasses with me, trades clothes if i need to, has impeccable taste (just not in men), ate triscuits with me while i was drunk driving about 100 years ago and didn't even get pissed when i ate the best triscuit ever invented, is funny and brilliant - ex. she once convinced ferris that we were squatting at his parent's house and would refuse to leave because "in all fairness... possession is nine tenths of the law", keeps me laughing with her smart ass remarks and her views on the world, is famous for yelling "mom... go to my room!" while drunk and last but not least will always be my lala since that is what she called herself when she was just knee high to a grasshopper.

she understands and loves me without judging or saying and mostly and ever so importantly her inner light... the part of her that sparkles and shines... teaches me to stay in the moment, laugh at myself / others and be patient because in all fairness... we all clearly know... that it's no big deal dude. seriously? seriously!

ramblings about gratitude

during the following somewhat boring ramble you may need the following playlist just to keep you sane...

i admit that even when i write daily here there are days where i struggle to find things to say. it's not bad... it's not that i've had a bad day or am struggling to put things into words... quite the opposite. i've had a great day full of surprises, friendly voices, plans for moving, exciting projects with emma and most of all i have had a day in which i got to be grateful.

gratitude is something that i try to spend a few minutes with each morning. i am so grateful for what i have and the people in my life. i have an amazing five year old with an honest and earnest heart... she is so wise and loving that sometimes it makes my heart ache with swollen pride and overwhelming sappy love. i have wonderful friends that lend their hearts, ears, houses (thanks shannon) and their opinions. i have an opportunity in arizona to make a different kind of life and i am eternally grateful to the two other grown ups in this new parenting situation... it takes a special kind of woman to step in and be absolutely great simply because she is that kind of girl... it takes a good friend to let the past 10 years and everything that has transpired move into the background and focus on what is the present and the forefront. i have been blessed with an extended family that helped emma and i to this point with their love and support... without them we wouldn't have made it this far and into a position to make different choices... and now they are unselfishly letting go so that emma and i can transition into a different situation.

mostly if we are all being honest... i am grateful for good music, glasses of jameson, quiet nights and a heart full of hope. i'm happy the future isn't perfectly laid out or determined. i love adventure and i'm excited to make my own path where there wasn't one before.

memories... but not the good kind...

today's playlist is here... a mix of old good songs and new favourites:

today i found that after all these years i finally found some validation and justification for everything i've ever felt or said about my mother. the moment was so amazing and life changing that i will never forget it. it was all over in about 90 seconds but i don't think i'll ever be able to erase it from my memory bank.... today while in a movie theatre... during the main feature... that was definitely playing... my mother answered her cell phone and then proceeded to have a conversation.

i'll give you a minute to go back and reread that because it's fucking crazy i know... i mean who does that?? seriously? seriously!

i'm not sure who has already heard this story but back in the day but i broke up with a guy that i had been dating for like 6 months for that... seriously. i walked out of the movie and left him at the movie theatre. when he called me (from the movie) to ask me for a ride the only thing i could manage to get out was "this... rela.. tion... ship... is so so so fucking over"... and i meant it.

it's inexcusable. it's so shockingly bad mannered. i understand so much more about my mother tonight. i think i finally see that we are simply different creatures... different kind of people.

there are times in my life when i can remember the past in such brutal colour and vividness that i literally have to close my eyes and turn my head away from the forceful vision in front of me. i go back to those crystal clear moments and explore them as if they are frozen in time. i walk around and see what i can gather from the whole picture. i see my own face and feel what was in my heart. those are not comfortable moments. they pop up sometimes when i least expect them and then i have to shove them away like a bug flying too close to my face or head... impatiently swipe at the air and look up waiting to see if it will make another pass. today will become one of those days in the future - i'll feel my indignation and embarrassment swell up in my throat as my head snaps with cat like reflex to the left and my eyes fly wide open with horror. today will become a red letter day.

perhaps i'm making too much of nothing like the time that i insisted that the president of taco bell should call me at home because they don't make tostadas in connecticut... seriously wtf? it was still on the drive thru menu just to tease and tempt me and their explanation was that they as a state stopped carrying them because the shells broke too easily and it was creating waste. huh? so make a better shell... i fucking love tostadas and shouldn't be penalized for your sub-par shell handling capabilities! but i digress... i was saying that perhaps that i'm making too big a deal of this and i'm willing to accept that but i think this kind of behaviour says something definitive about a person.

i believe strongly that everyone KNOWS what a dragon looks like and this is a particularly ugly species...

sunday morning playlist

it's 3 am and i can't sleep due to an ill-timed accidental nap. so here is a playlist: (just click that great little play button and listen to what i'm listening to right now)

and here is what i have to say:

it snowed and snowed today... left about 8 inches on the ground... which is too much snow to really enjoy all at once considering that there wasn't a speck of snow on the ground this morning. when there is a big winter storm and the snow is built up in banks outside the house i get that nesty settled insulated feeling that comes with winter. some people call it lazy... i call it insulated.

so many things have changed this week... i'm tired from thinking through all of the options and the possibilities. i suppose that really i just have to make my decisions and live with them. i find it's the living with them that is difficult. i'll be honest in saying that i really really don't want to live in arizona despite all the good things that are there. i am thankful and grateful for my friends and family there and happy to get to have a different kind of life but my heart is elsewhere. so i have to choose between my heart and what i think is right fundamentally... and we all know i'll choose what i think is right.

following our heart is dangerous. let this just be my next excuse for why i don't do certain things. why i don't make that big gesture. it would end badly anyway i'm sure... so i suppose we can just call it quits from the start. i would love to discuss it further here. i would love to say so many things and explain all the minute details of what makes me smile and hopeful but it's not fit for public discussion yet. they are a collection of intentions, unspoken questions, glimpses, deep breaths and quiet contentment swelling between my ribs. it's still a secret. my secret. and apparently a secret i plan on keeping so mum is the word 'round here.

i will say that sometimes i think that the future is closer than you or i realize... that perhaps the future is currently here. that if i really wanted i could just reach out and touch it. sometimes i just want to stand and let snowflakes fall in my hair and on my tongue without moving forward even an inch. i want to let everything be still and quiet and sparkly white around me without having to do or change anything. those moments make me think the world is slowing down just long enough for me to savour those details that i keep to myself.

mmmmm.... snowflakes and savoury details.... it's enough to keep a girl warm despite the temperature.

new music saturday

i know it's supposed to be new music friday (when i get around to it) but i'm a slacker sometimes. here are the tracks that i'm loving and listening to... (find them on hypem.com)

Adorable - Glorious which you can listen to here (sorry it's the best i could do)
Dirty on Purpose - Girls and Sunshine
Rogue Wave - Cheaper than Therapy (give this song a minute... literally... it will grow on you)
The Hidden Cameras - Builds the Bone (from the geniuses that created 'Music is my Boyfriend)
J. Tillman - Evans and Falls

while you are out trying new things you should go to this music blog... it's amazing!.....
Captain Obvious

new blog meets a great video and old tunes

so i've undergone a few changes... what do you think? you like? you hate? you think my picture is too fuzzy around the edges? i feel like we're in this together... so let's hear it... unless it's that you hate it and then you can keep your stupid ass opinion to yourself.

while you are thinking about the newness here is a video / song that i am in love with.





currently these tunes / videos are making me happy: ben folds - tiny dancer
and this: jefferson airplane - white rabbit
and this: crosby, stills & nash - teach your children
and this: country joe mcdonald - i feel like - now what does that spell??
and this: dan fogelberg - leader of the band - i'm still a little teary from this one... it gets me every damn time... every single time...