not the kind of dancing that you do when you are out and aboot but the kind where you are sitting somewhere and you kind of shake your hips to the beat... sometimes we even move our head with it and make it a whole upper body kind of dance. a chair dance if you will. the dance you do in the car with the radio cranked while you're driving on the highway. perhaps even while you are driving there are miles peeling away and although you're on your way to a destination it seems like forever lays between you and there. sometimes there is a break in the monotony of the landscape that catches your eyes for just a second. a horse, an old farmhouse, a tractor rusting in a field, a sign with something bizarre written in red paint or just a tree that is outstretched and welcoming as if a picnic beneath it's branches would be welcomed and appreciated. your eyes snap back to the dotted line in front of you and you continue to drive. you think abstractly about life. about the things you've done. about where you've been. about the people you know. about the things you hope to do. about what you think all those things mean. you wonder if you are hungry or have to pee because there is a small town on the horizon. chances are you want to stop but somehow you just keep driving because we can't stop in every small town in america otherwise we'd never get anywhere now would we?
sometimes you do stop. you pull over and go to little restaurants like the wheat montana deli
or a little truck stop that has a bored clerk ringing up purchases beneath a dirty shirt and a flat smile. in those truck stops it's nice to wander the aisles for a few minutes and really see what it is that they have to offer. it gives a nice break from the constant stream of questions and thoughts that seem to have taken over the car. sometimes you chide yourself in an annoyed voice about how you should just stop worrying about so much and relax. enjoy the drive and whatnot. sometimes you tell yourself to shut the fuck up and buy a gatorade even though there is already one in the car... or a fountain soda even though they aren't good for you and you don't even really like them.
here is what i have to say to you. yes the chair / car dance is cute and yes all the questions are somewhat annoying. i understand that if you have to spend 5 days or so not speaking to anyone but yourself that you may get a little sick of yourself no matter how funny or interesting you are. what i don't understand is why you can't just enjoy the silence. wait for big ideas and thoughts to come to you. perhaps this time is better spent contemplating the space / time continuum or a clean energy source. why do we have to revisit the old shit? the old disappointments? the old ideas that have been discarded because they aren't applicable to our current life? i know you don't really want to leave for this destination and i know you have been somewhat homesick for connecticut. there is nothing anyone can do about these things. you simply have to move forward. you have to. we're taking a positive attitude and pretending that everything is fine because in all fairness possession is 9/10ths of the law and if motion and attitude invade your mind you'll have no choice but to be positive.
in fact i'll go out on a limb and say that this next roadtrip is just what you need to be able to process the last few months. there is a value in being disconnected... off the grid if you will... there will be some camping in iowa / nebraska and then you'll be with the lovely lala. between lala and phoenix there is another 1000 miles or so and perhaps there will be another night spent camping... although i hope not in albuquerque because you know how we feel about that place. it's not that it's bad... it's just that it's well... boring like a huge strip mall but not the good kind with a secret restaurant tucked into the corner or a little shop in which you can buy stationary that you'll never write letters on but the bad kind that has check cashing places and curio shops. god we hate curio shops. not antique shops mind you... just curio shops. we love old stuff and really are bored and disgusted by new shiny things that clutter lives and shelves... there isn't enough room in your life for new things to clutter anything considering all the old things we're still carrying around and moving from state to state.
on that topic; perhaps while you're on your roadtrip if you have time between melodies from the shins and little chair dances you may want to think about some of those old things and try to get them all worked out in your head. you may even want to stop in some small towns along the way and see if there is anything there that will somehow explain how it is that you are where you are and why the hell you're doing it.
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