thanksgiving was wonderful. it was a wonderful experience... full of good laughs and a new found gratitude and love for my family. we are normal - despite the things that make us abnormal. my siblings, my daughter and my parents are people i respect and love.
something happened though over the few days that has given me an idea to think about. oh, how i love a new idea to take apart and think about over and over and over again. it's something that happened in our house and it has to do with forgiveness and letting go of the past.
it seems that there are things that happen in life. there are good things and bad things and in between things. the in between things seem to get swept away with the sands of time - mediocre dinners, movies, experiences, conversations. those are neutral and ultimately they neither reinforce or destroy ties. there are the good things. the good things are memories and they bring a feeling of warmth and love. these are the things that are what make life pleasant, loving and fun. but it's the bad things and how you deal with them in the grand scale of time that create an attitude of either love or frustration and resentment which lead to anger.
here is my opinion - about those bad things. it's just my opinion and perhaps i don't know shit about shit... i'm open to being wrong (and if i am please speak UP so i can look at this new idea in a different light).
bad shit happens. people do bad shit, act like shits, say shitty things and sometimes even shit on you. in time usually those people apologize, grow, change and behave in new ways. (if they don't do any of those things or they are oblivious to the changes that need to be made that's a different rant) when you recieve time, growth and an apology you have two choices: forgive or hold on. holding on leads to death of relationships, forgiving offers a chance for your heart to hold new ideas and new good things. in my opinion, there is only so much room in your heart - like your closet - you can either store good things or negative things. dredging up the past and choosing to be resentful over it only limits YOU. it only serves to prevent YOU from being the person you want to be.
there is no time machine. there is no way to go back and change the past. there is only this moment and the future. why choose to let the past dictate your present or your future? why choose to let negative resentments and anger rule the potential happiness? why not allow people to apologize, accept their part, you accept your part and try to build a bridge to the present? it seems silly to me to hold on to the angry feelings that are chained in the past... ultimately you're the only one still standing there and you're missing out on the gift of the present.
here is to forgiving and moving forward...
if you choose to set those bags down i think you'll find your journey is easier. but you can have whatever journey you want. i'm definitely not the boss of you.
may your journey bring you to peace. it's a big world out there but i hope you'll find your way to your own brand of happiness.
Showing posts with label dragons. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dragons. Show all posts
28 November 2009
23 November 2009
you'll know when you get there
two things happened tonight....
1.) miss lowercasesandcapitals changed my life by pointing out that this - Daytrotter Session Archives - available and free to download. it's music by everyone who is anyone in the daytrotter world and it's revamped my music collection. 5 hours of amazing music so far and i'm nowhere near done. i was in serious need of new music. everything i had was either old or reminded me of someone i don't want to be haunted by.
here are some tidbits i think are worth listening to: (you'll have to right click and find what i'm referring to... but it's a great investment of your time)
anya marina - move you
bon iver - flume
these united states - so high so low so wide so long
2.) the same lovely lady changed my life by having the time to just talk it out with me. i feel like i'm the most selfish person on earth needing to talk it out. needing to ask for help is difficult for me. i hate that he was the one i talked to and now i feel like i have all this talking to do and can't reach out to the person who has been there for the past two years. i know we're all sick of listening about it. shit, i'm sick of hearing about it. i'm sick of talking about it. i'm sick to death of it. i'm ready to just be OVER it. but it doesn't work like that. you don't fall in love with someone slowly and give your heart, trust and secrets to someone piece by piece and then switch it off in one day. maybe "you" do. but i don't. i'm just not like that.
tonight as we talked about my "it" and we talked about her "it" i realized that this too is the thing that is going to be painful and uncomfortable up until the point that i can look myself in the mirror and say "that was the most painful thing that's happened to me and i'm grateful for every single second. i wouldn't change it for the world. it's made me who i am. it's mine. i lived it." when you can say it and mean it... that's when it's over. and not a second before that.
until then i'm going to keep being grateful. i'm going to keep doing all the things that make me happy. i'm going to keep all the great things about myself and let this one part help me to move into the person i know i'm growing into.
in the meantime... please excuse my construction.
1.) miss lowercasesandcapitals changed my life by pointing out that this - Daytrotter Session Archives - available and free to download. it's music by everyone who is anyone in the daytrotter world and it's revamped my music collection. 5 hours of amazing music so far and i'm nowhere near done. i was in serious need of new music. everything i had was either old or reminded me of someone i don't want to be haunted by.
here are some tidbits i think are worth listening to: (you'll have to right click and find what i'm referring to... but it's a great investment of your time)
anya marina - move you
bon iver - flume
these united states - so high so low so wide so long
2.) the same lovely lady changed my life by having the time to just talk it out with me. i feel like i'm the most selfish person on earth needing to talk it out. needing to ask for help is difficult for me. i hate that he was the one i talked to and now i feel like i have all this talking to do and can't reach out to the person who has been there for the past two years. i know we're all sick of listening about it. shit, i'm sick of hearing about it. i'm sick of talking about it. i'm sick to death of it. i'm ready to just be OVER it. but it doesn't work like that. you don't fall in love with someone slowly and give your heart, trust and secrets to someone piece by piece and then switch it off in one day. maybe "you" do. but i don't. i'm just not like that.
tonight as we talked about my "it" and we talked about her "it" i realized that this too is the thing that is going to be painful and uncomfortable up until the point that i can look myself in the mirror and say "that was the most painful thing that's happened to me and i'm grateful for every single second. i wouldn't change it for the world. it's made me who i am. it's mine. i lived it." when you can say it and mean it... that's when it's over. and not a second before that.
until then i'm going to keep being grateful. i'm going to keep doing all the things that make me happy. i'm going to keep all the great things about myself and let this one part help me to move into the person i know i'm growing into.
in the meantime... please excuse my construction.
17 November 2009
it's nice...
break up lesson #63: when your ex-boyfriend calls your parents house in the middle of the night it makes him a jerk. it's still undecided what it says about you.
better tomorrow... it's wednesday. who doesn't like wednesday?
better tomorrow... it's wednesday. who doesn't like wednesday?
18 May 2009
sometimes it's easy to forget...
sometimes it's easy to forget who is fighting the good fight and who (or whom?) is fighting simply for their own gain. things aren't so simple when you're a grown up. i don't know why not. why don't simple paradigms like cowboys and indians or robbers and cops just stay simple? before you know it you realize that the cowboys ruined a civilization and not all cops are better than the robbers that they fight. it's confusing and sometimes it leaves me feeling bewildered and wondering if there is indeed an instruction manual. if there is what would you call it? would you call it the Bible? the Koran? the teachings of Buddha? would you call it the forest and the simple pillars of nature? would you eschew all those teachings and say man makes his own instructions? somewhere inside all of it is a explanation. and sometimes that explanation glorifies your life - like the day i had yesterday. and sometimes that explanation brings the understanding of what is true on it's metaphorical ear - which is good because it turns out i have a fucking hard time hearing when i'm being stubborn.
perhaps it's possible that when a friend speaks truth to you and it hurts your heart it's a truth you need to hear. perhaps it's possible that in refusing to continue certain old patterns and interactions there are friends that are teaching the most valuable lesson of all. it's those truths i need to hear and i need to speak. i should be that brave. it's those things i need to reflect on - not the words or the emotion but the weight and the importance of the interaction. because when i don't hear properly... when i don't fucking get the message i get all soft and try to be forgiving which seems to mean forgetful about what we're doing here. and then i get phone calls like the one i did today - inviting me to key west. talking about how i'm weak or scared for not going... even though it's an idea that i wouldn't EVER entertain. a person on the other end of a phone that doesn't understand that all i can give at this point is a respectful distance and a resolute promise... to no longer "do my best" and stay within myself and remember where i've been.
it's been a year - and in that year i've learned everything about myself. i've learned about who and what i am. i've learned so many good things. the good days are really good. the bad days are few and far between and definitely managable. i've learned what i'm made of. i've learned who my friends are and i've learned how to remember every day what i'm capable of - for good and for bad. and most importantly i've learned that friends don't ask friends to go to key west, they don't ask them to descend into the canyon of crazy on a whim... and if they do... with friends like that who needs tequila?
perhaps it's possible that when a friend speaks truth to you and it hurts your heart it's a truth you need to hear. perhaps it's possible that in refusing to continue certain old patterns and interactions there are friends that are teaching the most valuable lesson of all. it's those truths i need to hear and i need to speak. i should be that brave. it's those things i need to reflect on - not the words or the emotion but the weight and the importance of the interaction. because when i don't hear properly... when i don't fucking get the message i get all soft and try to be forgiving which seems to mean forgetful about what we're doing here. and then i get phone calls like the one i did today - inviting me to key west. talking about how i'm weak or scared for not going... even though it's an idea that i wouldn't EVER entertain. a person on the other end of a phone that doesn't understand that all i can give at this point is a respectful distance and a resolute promise... to no longer "do my best" and stay within myself and remember where i've been.
it's been a year - and in that year i've learned everything about myself. i've learned about who and what i am. i've learned so many good things. the good days are really good. the bad days are few and far between and definitely managable. i've learned what i'm made of. i've learned who my friends are and i've learned how to remember every day what i'm capable of - for good and for bad. and most importantly i've learned that friends don't ask friends to go to key west, they don't ask them to descend into the canyon of crazy on a whim... and if they do... with friends like that who needs tequila?
20 April 2009
san diego's southern cross
'cause the truth you might be runnin' from is so small
but it's as big as the promise, the promise of a comin' day
so i'm sailin' for tomorrow, my dreams are a dyin'.....
think about how many times i have fallin'
spirits are using me, larger voices callin'...
....
crosby stills and nash - southern cross
i have learned many things from this past weekend in san diego. i have learned about myself and about what it means to be alive and in this life. i have learned more about family and friendship and about the bonds that hold us together and move us apart than i ever knew was possible. i learned what it means... to love someone so much that the love will endure beyond what we understand. i don't mean romantic love. i mean the love of a family and i mean what happens to the love and the bond when we cannot define it by life. and in some ways i think i mean a romantic love... a romance between a man who is the best father i know and the strongest woman i've ever met who chose to stand beside him. the woman who will continue in his place to be the solid rock and flexible ties that holds a family together in a house with a garden that feels so much like home that i feel lost now that i am not there.
i have not written about this, although it has been going on for quite awhile. i wanted to give privacy to those who needed it and not speak about a future that had not become definite. i still was hoping (and in my heart am still hoping and praying) that the one thing i was most afraid would not come to pass. i write about it now because this is the piece that i can give... my words and my perspective as a salve or an outlet for how much my heart hurts.... unfortunately i am probably the only one who can or will be helped by my words that seem to be unable to express fully what my heart feels like.
my best friend's dad is dying. i don't mean in the abstract way in which this life is not permanent and we are all slowly dying by a series of breaths. i mean in the concrete way in which he will not be living in a set amount of time. i mean that he, for all of his strength and his fight and his power has come up against cancer and it is killing him in small increments. in small enough increments that we still hope that somehow it will turn out differently but big enough increments to rip that hope and your silly human heart to shreds.
it seems that when i think about it logically that it cannot possibly make sense. you would have to know him... but it's not possible. and that cannot possibly be true. it's too awful and it's too big and it's too much and it's not fair.
and i love him. like a father, a mentor and a hero. i love him because of a thousand things but mostly because he is simply him. i love him even more because he gave me my best friend. she has been in my life for 29 years and she is the other half of me. some days it seems she is the better part and the better half.
and some days, like today, my grief seems so big that my heart seems to hurt from growing large enough to hold onto it. the grief is senseless and frightening and beyond what i can manage with human feelings and human words. the grief feels so big that it makes everything else seem pointless in it's wake... like school or grocery shopping or getting new shoes. those small things are all swallowed up into a undefined mess of daily tasks that must happen but seem to hold no joy or interest... but the hardest thing is getting past the feelings of powerlessness and anger at how this could have possibly happened. the even harder part is that she is my best friend and i know how she hurts and i know how i am impotent to help her. i don't know what to say or do... except to say that there is nothing i can do or say and there isn't a way this will be okay.
i will admit that i have been standoffish to my friends and to my boyfriend. i have had a hard time talking about it - my feelings, my fears and what it all means. i know that talking about these things supposedly makes it better but everytime i talk about it i feel like others are overwhelmed with the duty to say it will be okay and it won't. it can't ever be okay... maybe it won't be as bad but it's hard to believe that it will be okay.
and so it is with that knowledge... the knowledge of exactly where we are that i leave you. we are in unchartered territory - on a map of life. and it is just life. and it's terminal. and it works out okay in the end. and it's already tomorrow in australia. and i've been around the world looking for myself (the only woman-girl i know) and i've got to trust that above all things love endures.
and to dawnielle - even though you may start to like karaoke... "what heaven brought you and me cannot be forgotten" - we are family linked together through happiness and tragedy and "you understand why now (we) came this way" and i wouldn't have come any other way. i promise that if you need me i will always come. i'm sorry i cannot do more.
but it's as big as the promise, the promise of a comin' day
so i'm sailin' for tomorrow, my dreams are a dyin'.....
think about how many times i have fallin'
spirits are using me, larger voices callin'...
....
crosby stills and nash - southern cross
i have learned many things from this past weekend in san diego. i have learned about myself and about what it means to be alive and in this life. i have learned more about family and friendship and about the bonds that hold us together and move us apart than i ever knew was possible. i learned what it means... to love someone so much that the love will endure beyond what we understand. i don't mean romantic love. i mean the love of a family and i mean what happens to the love and the bond when we cannot define it by life. and in some ways i think i mean a romantic love... a romance between a man who is the best father i know and the strongest woman i've ever met who chose to stand beside him. the woman who will continue in his place to be the solid rock and flexible ties that holds a family together in a house with a garden that feels so much like home that i feel lost now that i am not there.
i have not written about this, although it has been going on for quite awhile. i wanted to give privacy to those who needed it and not speak about a future that had not become definite. i still was hoping (and in my heart am still hoping and praying) that the one thing i was most afraid would not come to pass. i write about it now because this is the piece that i can give... my words and my perspective as a salve or an outlet for how much my heart hurts.... unfortunately i am probably the only one who can or will be helped by my words that seem to be unable to express fully what my heart feels like.
my best friend's dad is dying. i don't mean in the abstract way in which this life is not permanent and we are all slowly dying by a series of breaths. i mean in the concrete way in which he will not be living in a set amount of time. i mean that he, for all of his strength and his fight and his power has come up against cancer and it is killing him in small increments. in small enough increments that we still hope that somehow it will turn out differently but big enough increments to rip that hope and your silly human heart to shreds.
it seems that when i think about it logically that it cannot possibly make sense. you would have to know him... but it's not possible. and that cannot possibly be true. it's too awful and it's too big and it's too much and it's not fair.
and i love him. like a father, a mentor and a hero. i love him because of a thousand things but mostly because he is simply him. i love him even more because he gave me my best friend. she has been in my life for 29 years and she is the other half of me. some days it seems she is the better part and the better half.
and some days, like today, my grief seems so big that my heart seems to hurt from growing large enough to hold onto it. the grief is senseless and frightening and beyond what i can manage with human feelings and human words. the grief feels so big that it makes everything else seem pointless in it's wake... like school or grocery shopping or getting new shoes. those small things are all swallowed up into a undefined mess of daily tasks that must happen but seem to hold no joy or interest... but the hardest thing is getting past the feelings of powerlessness and anger at how this could have possibly happened. the even harder part is that she is my best friend and i know how she hurts and i know how i am impotent to help her. i don't know what to say or do... except to say that there is nothing i can do or say and there isn't a way this will be okay.
i will admit that i have been standoffish to my friends and to my boyfriend. i have had a hard time talking about it - my feelings, my fears and what it all means. i know that talking about these things supposedly makes it better but everytime i talk about it i feel like others are overwhelmed with the duty to say it will be okay and it won't. it can't ever be okay... maybe it won't be as bad but it's hard to believe that it will be okay.
and so it is with that knowledge... the knowledge of exactly where we are that i leave you. we are in unchartered territory - on a map of life. and it is just life. and it's terminal. and it works out okay in the end. and it's already tomorrow in australia. and i've been around the world looking for myself (the only woman-girl i know) and i've got to trust that above all things love endures.
and to dawnielle - even though you may start to like karaoke... "what heaven brought you and me cannot be forgotten" - we are family linked together through happiness and tragedy and "you understand why now (we) came this way" and i wouldn't have come any other way. i promise that if you need me i will always come. i'm sorry i cannot do more.
26 March 2009
nick rallis and these united states save the day
my ip0d is sorely not me anymore. i hate it when that happens... when suddenly everything you listen to seems to just fit another person or another life. when all the songs remind you of how things used to be like something else or of someone else. suddenly it seems that you have outgrown yourself and you spend a few days wondering what you're going to listen to instead. in truth there is a whole lot of soul searching right before that point but the ip0d is where it's noticed... as if everything was fine until you just can't stand the music you used to love.
i have been on a quest for new things and new ideas... i've been combing hypem.com and every music blog i can find... it's tough going though... not everything is made for loving.
here are some things i have found...
Drag the River - Jeff Black Song
i fell in love with these united states again... specifically the song so high so low so wide so long...
i mean for real... i have a heart pounding sugar coated love thing for them.. like how i feel about mango ice cream. i don't even like ice cream... and yet i love it. i digress...
and if that's not enough to make your heart pitter patter and your face light up at the sheer genius then go here and watch them in the secret garden video:
Hoovesontheturf.com
the music search is probably temporary but while i'm in the throes of missing good tunes feel free to make your suggestions... i'm gettin' desperate here. which i suppose is indicative of more crucial things...
i guess it's something about getting your heart broken... i mean really broken. the kind of heart break that leaves you feeling sort of empty and wondering when it's not going to seem dark. the kind of heart break that only comes from realizing a friend that has been in your life for years has become the worst version of themselves. sometimes addiction and heartache break people and those people just can't honor the good things in their lives. they become thieves and liars. and initially i thought i could forgive it. forgive the theft and the lies. but i cannot. and i don't know what has me so in a funk... i guess simply the loss of the friendship. just in case you've been reading along these past few weeks and wonder what i'm on about lately... i've had to face that a friend is so addicted to their negative vices that he is not able to be anything but a liar. and it has broken my heart.
not like "that"... i have a boyfriend. i always have. we have been on again and off again for years. he's a really good boy. the best kind. he allows me to fall in love with bands and to have my own life - blogging and talking about all these obscure things, to raise my child, to be the person i want to be, to make mistakes, to succeed, to have male friends that break my heart. he supports me and sends me sweet text messages first thing in the morning. he writes me poetry, sings to me (well, he would if i asked him to and does spontaneously sometimes) and if i let him he would even make me banana pancakes. it's so strange that being loved by my best friends, my lover and my family doesn't change how crappy i feel about being betrayed. i suppose all i can continue to do is study for my calculus exam and then wrap myself up in my covers and listen to nick rallis. up loud.
loud enough that it doesn't matter that i found out last what everyone else seemed to know... drug addicts and alcoholics that don't want recovery cannot be saved no matter how much you love them. and while they are stubbornly un-recovered they are ticking time bombs waiting to go off and then lie to everyone to avoid taking responsibility. jameson anyone?
i have been on a quest for new things and new ideas... i've been combing hypem.com and every music blog i can find... it's tough going though... not everything is made for loving.
here are some things i have found...
Drag the River - Jeff Black Song
i fell in love with these united states again... specifically the song so high so low so wide so long...
i mean for real... i have a heart pounding sugar coated love thing for them.. like how i feel about mango ice cream. i don't even like ice cream... and yet i love it. i digress...
and if that's not enough to make your heart pitter patter and your face light up at the sheer genius then go here and watch them in the secret garden video:
Hoovesontheturf.com
the music search is probably temporary but while i'm in the throes of missing good tunes feel free to make your suggestions... i'm gettin' desperate here. which i suppose is indicative of more crucial things...
i guess it's something about getting your heart broken... i mean really broken. the kind of heart break that leaves you feeling sort of empty and wondering when it's not going to seem dark. the kind of heart break that only comes from realizing a friend that has been in your life for years has become the worst version of themselves. sometimes addiction and heartache break people and those people just can't honor the good things in their lives. they become thieves and liars. and initially i thought i could forgive it. forgive the theft and the lies. but i cannot. and i don't know what has me so in a funk... i guess simply the loss of the friendship. just in case you've been reading along these past few weeks and wonder what i'm on about lately... i've had to face that a friend is so addicted to their negative vices that he is not able to be anything but a liar. and it has broken my heart.
not like "that"... i have a boyfriend. i always have. we have been on again and off again for years. he's a really good boy. the best kind. he allows me to fall in love with bands and to have my own life - blogging and talking about all these obscure things, to raise my child, to be the person i want to be, to make mistakes, to succeed, to have male friends that break my heart. he supports me and sends me sweet text messages first thing in the morning. he writes me poetry, sings to me (well, he would if i asked him to and does spontaneously sometimes) and if i let him he would even make me banana pancakes. it's so strange that being loved by my best friends, my lover and my family doesn't change how crappy i feel about being betrayed. i suppose all i can continue to do is study for my calculus exam and then wrap myself up in my covers and listen to nick rallis. up loud.
loud enough that it doesn't matter that i found out last what everyone else seemed to know... drug addicts and alcoholics that don't want recovery cannot be saved no matter how much you love them. and while they are stubbornly un-recovered they are ticking time bombs waiting to go off and then lie to everyone to avoid taking responsibility. jameson anyone?
08 March 2009
just to be clear
disambiguate
verb (used with object), -at⋅ed, -at⋅ing. to remove the ambiguity from; make unambiguous
| disambiguation | |
noun | |
| clarification that follows from the removal of ambiguity |
07 March 2009
unicorns are my favorite
am⋅big⋅u⋅ous
| 1. | open to or having several possible meanings or interpretations; equivocal: an ambiguous answer. |
| 2. | Linguistics. (of an expression) exhibiting constructional homonymity; having two or more structural descriptions, as the sequence Flying planes can be dangerous. |
| 3. | of doubtful or uncertain nature; difficult to comprehend, distinguish, or classify: a rock of ambiguous character. |
| 4. | lacking clearness or definiteness; obscure; indistinct: an ambiguous shape; an ambiguous future. sometimes it seems in life that things don't get more clear... they get more blurred and more confused. i wish that there was a way to just understand... to make things in nice neat compartments with sealed lids and explanations. ambiguity isn't my favorite thing. unicorns however kind of are. |
26 February 2009
physics is reality
or perhaps it isn't but i realized today that fixing your life... like really fixing it and making it the life you want to live can be solved like a physics problem. it's all about force, motion, gravity, velocity, acceleration, position and the ever important delta.
oh delta. the change in something. your final position minus your initial position is your delta... the actual amount that you have grown, moved, lived, thought or realized. we all need a little delta in our lives.
you can always figure out your relative ratio to the past by using the law of sines or cosines. you can always know what you velocity is, what direction you are headed and you know the force of gravity in your life.
i have to remind myself that things don't always work out in physics problems and in real life. more importantly sometimes it's not even about getting the right answer... it's about what you learn while you're busy getting shit all wrong. sometimes we get answers that surprise us, sometimes there is more than one answer, and most of all it's important to remember that it's okay to define the positive direction of your own personal coordinate system.
most importantly it's okay to look at a problem and know when you're done with the "physics" part and the rest of the answer is just the math that goes along with it... i should apply that more frequently in my own life... why am i continuing to pursue the solution to a finite end when at some point i can step back and know that i've achieved the growth and understanding that the problem was meant to teach me.
what am i here for anyway? to be right or to understand myself, grow in every way and to be the best version of myself that i can be? most days the answer is the latter.... some days i still fail and go for being right... luckily i know how to learn from those days.
luckily i know how big my personal delta is these days, i know what is the positive direction for myself, i know how to define the magnitude of vectors and i am ever respectful of gravity and i'm increasingly wary of trying to just "get to the right answer".... even i'm a little proud.
oh delta. the change in something. your final position minus your initial position is your delta... the actual amount that you have grown, moved, lived, thought or realized. we all need a little delta in our lives.
you can always figure out your relative ratio to the past by using the law of sines or cosines. you can always know what you velocity is, what direction you are headed and you know the force of gravity in your life.
i have to remind myself that things don't always work out in physics problems and in real life. more importantly sometimes it's not even about getting the right answer... it's about what you learn while you're busy getting shit all wrong. sometimes we get answers that surprise us, sometimes there is more than one answer, and most of all it's important to remember that it's okay to define the positive direction of your own personal coordinate system.
most importantly it's okay to look at a problem and know when you're done with the "physics" part and the rest of the answer is just the math that goes along with it... i should apply that more frequently in my own life... why am i continuing to pursue the solution to a finite end when at some point i can step back and know that i've achieved the growth and understanding that the problem was meant to teach me.
what am i here for anyway? to be right or to understand myself, grow in every way and to be the best version of myself that i can be? most days the answer is the latter.... some days i still fail and go for being right... luckily i know how to learn from those days.
luckily i know how big my personal delta is these days, i know what is the positive direction for myself, i know how to define the magnitude of vectors and i am ever respectful of gravity and i'm increasingly wary of trying to just "get to the right answer".... even i'm a little proud.
24 February 2009
isn't it just simply...
isn't it just simply amazing that we can bend and move and change and withstand many things and then the simplest things... the small breeches in the barrier of trust seem as if they are going to be the things that break our hearts completely?
go here to hear what i'm listening to:
only love can break your heart
go your own way
(thanks to cover lay down for the soundtrack)
i realized today that two things are true:
1. getting your feelings hurt, trust broken, losing friendship... all those things hurt and initially it stings so much that it feels like there is no bridging the gap in what is "past" or before and what is "future" or after.
2. those things are actually good. once you pick yourself up from what gravity has done and started to assess the damages to your system... you realize that the hurt means you are breathing, interacting, and being vulnerable.
vulnerable is good. growing is good. sometimes even pain is good.
the perspective that comes from vulnerability, growth and pain is even better. not just as good as... it's better. teaching ourselves about life and the life we want by being open to life is difficult but it's what gets us to where we want to go.
thanks for taking this part of the journey with me... for teaching me perspective through pain. i'm still angry and still don't want to be open to learning this lesson again... but at least i can be grateful and happy that i've learned it. good things came of it... i learned to say no and i learned to have a conflict in which i stood up for myself. funny how the worst can bring out the best in people.
go here to hear what i'm listening to:
only love can break your heart
go your own way
(thanks to cover lay down for the soundtrack)
i realized today that two things are true:
1. getting your feelings hurt, trust broken, losing friendship... all those things hurt and initially it stings so much that it feels like there is no bridging the gap in what is "past" or before and what is "future" or after.
2. those things are actually good. once you pick yourself up from what gravity has done and started to assess the damages to your system... you realize that the hurt means you are breathing, interacting, and being vulnerable.
vulnerable is good. growing is good. sometimes even pain is good.
the perspective that comes from vulnerability, growth and pain is even better. not just as good as... it's better. teaching ourselves about life and the life we want by being open to life is difficult but it's what gets us to where we want to go.
thanks for taking this part of the journey with me... for teaching me perspective through pain. i'm still angry and still don't want to be open to learning this lesson again... but at least i can be grateful and happy that i've learned it. good things came of it... i learned to say no and i learned to have a conflict in which i stood up for myself. funny how the worst can bring out the best in people.
19 February 2009
have you ever wondered if you got something fundamentally wrong in your life? like maybe there is a huge plan for everyone and somehow you got turned around on a path that had confusing signs and made a huge error in the interpretation of the signs?
for example i just found out that one of my long time friends and mentors (who i no longer speak to... it's just effing complicated) has the exact same name as a famous author and mentor who said "that there are always times of trauma and anxiety and crises of self confidence when you are building something and trying to bring about change and improve lives." i'll be honest... that advice might have been the advice all along... like what if i had the name right but was supposed to be friends with the famous author instead?
what if? just weird to think about all those little moments that might have been different if we had always known clearly what the signs said.... it's not about regret... it's more about thinking of things from a different perspective - contradictions cannot exist, if you find a contradiction, go back and check your premise.... for now i'm concentrating on the perspective that anxiety and crises of self confidence exist.. i'll get to the rest later.
for example i just found out that one of my long time friends and mentors (who i no longer speak to... it's just effing complicated) has the exact same name as a famous author and mentor who said "that there are always times of trauma and anxiety and crises of self confidence when you are building something and trying to bring about change and improve lives." i'll be honest... that advice might have been the advice all along... like what if i had the name right but was supposed to be friends with the famous author instead?
what if? just weird to think about all those little moments that might have been different if we had always known clearly what the signs said.... it's not about regret... it's more about thinking of things from a different perspective - contradictions cannot exist, if you find a contradiction, go back and check your premise.... for now i'm concentrating on the perspective that anxiety and crises of self confidence exist.. i'll get to the rest later.
09 February 2009
willing... in the morning...
this morning as i woke, a little earlier than i wanted, a little stiffer than i wanted, a little not sure about monday... for no reason. it's just morning and sometimes i don't love it.
this song is the theme... but you might not "get it" until the end of the blog... and for some of you not even then... just kidding dave...
linda ronstadt - willing
so i help a certain someone put on her new cupcake tights for school - fucking cupcake tights... seriously it's sooo cute... who wouldn't love wearing cupcake tights to school? i mean everyone should maybe wear a pair of cupcake tights just to feel a little pretty and fancy...
anyway so i come downstairs and think about going back to bed after she is safely at school and then i see the best thing that has happened to me in forever... my coffee is already made!!!!! i finally got one of those coffee makers that has a timer and it's the best $20 i ever spent... i cannot stress enough how great it makes your morning to just have that one thing done... to just pour your coffee instead of sleep walking around the kitchen and then impatiently waiting for it to brew just thinking the whole time about how much it sucks to be awake and how if you didn't have to make your stupid coffee you would be 2 things: 1. not addicted to caffeine and 2. still in bed.
so as i'm sitting down with my first cup o coffee for the day i see the following in an email from cody...
you can find the full text here: http://hearingvoices.com/news/2009/02/more-travel-tips/
which just makes me laugh and laugh...
then i remember about the eels... and i remember this thought... this line from another blog (also pointed out by cody) and how it just made me think for awhile...
""i was thinkin' bout how everyone is dying, and maybe it's time to live" in "p.s. you rock my world"). it's a stunning conclusion to this intensely personal, unforgettably emotional story"
you can find the full text here: http://sand-is-overrated.blogspot.com/2008/02/you-think-i-got-it-all-going-my-way.html
ps. the tag line on that blog is: sand is overrated. it's just tiny little rocks. which is hilarious in itself.
and then i get to sit with my third cup of coffee and think about the fact that it's not the dying part that's important.. it's the living. it's the things you do between the being born and the dying that changes absolutely everything. it's what you do and how you do it. sometimes it's not the good things that define you, sometimes it's not the bad things that define you either. sometimes you have to define yourself by how you accept and love yourself despite the good things and the bad things. i'm going to be 33. i'm not proud or happy about everything i've done... i'm not sad or disappointed in everything i've done. lately the list of pros and cons is equal. i've accepted that others have lists of pros and cons that look similar. people are not a snapshot of one moment. they are a sum total of all the parts.
i don't know what that means really... no matter how long i stare at the screen and think about it... it's hard to really grasp. it's really hard to not let myself use the old phrases and definitions... to judge myself with startling harshness just to feel the sting and know that no matter what anyone else says about me that i've already been harder on myself than they could ever be. it's hard to say something nice to myself and feel okay with it. perhaps though it's somewhere in between the two.
perhaps i can allow those things to fade into the background and only make a judgement about today and right now... perhaps in this moment between being born, reborn, giving birth and whatever dying means i can just let this moment be the moment. let it just be right now... and just go my own way. perhaps in this moment i can accept that this life and my path are only my own. this is my collection of things - smoothed well worn happy memories and jagged sharp painful memories.... it's all mine and if i spend all my time in the past i'm not making any new memories. i'm wasting this moment... and my hope is that i'm adding things to the good memory list... like buying cupcake tights to make a little girl happy with the way she looks today and always being able to look back and see her happy face, having a good conversation last night with a dave who got to eat free tacos and remembering that friendship is solidified and cemented through lots of things... even if i am an international fugitive now, like reading cody's email and remembering the summer that held vanilla sky. these things are my landscape this morning. the rest of it... well it's in the trash bin with my old coffee maker that makes you actually push a button to make coffee.
sometimes you have to still be willing... regardless of what that means... and i'm choosing to be willing to live the life i want. i'd rather be in the business of realizing the happiness with each day is set on "auto" and is waiting for me each morning. i don't even have to do anything... i can just wake and enjoy. which sounds awful chipper doesn't it? ...it must be the pre-made coffee...
this song is the theme... but you might not "get it" until the end of the blog... and for some of you not even then... just kidding dave...
linda ronstadt - willing
so i help a certain someone put on her new cupcake tights for school - fucking cupcake tights... seriously it's sooo cute... who wouldn't love wearing cupcake tights to school? i mean everyone should maybe wear a pair of cupcake tights just to feel a little pretty and fancy...
anyway so i come downstairs and think about going back to bed after she is safely at school and then i see the best thing that has happened to me in forever... my coffee is already made!!!!! i finally got one of those coffee makers that has a timer and it's the best $20 i ever spent... i cannot stress enough how great it makes your morning to just have that one thing done... to just pour your coffee instead of sleep walking around the kitchen and then impatiently waiting for it to brew just thinking the whole time about how much it sucks to be awake and how if you didn't have to make your stupid coffee you would be 2 things: 1. not addicted to caffeine and 2. still in bed.
so as i'm sitting down with my first cup o coffee for the day i see the following in an email from cody...
HearVox News Audio, art, & cultcha blog
By JW 2009.02.08 tags: travel, travel tips.
Travel Tips
Contributions to a growing list:
#136 Sandals are not the best thing to wear for hiking through a tropical forest to grassy, steep ocean cliffs after two days of heavy rain—no matter how much they look like ones Jesus would have worn.
#34 Those most interested in history are those about to become it. Try to take an interest no matter your age.
#156 If you hear “The Gambler” playing, run. Run away. Something is horribly wrong, will be, or ought to be.
you can find the full text here: http://hearingvoices.com/news/2009/02/more-travel-tips/
which just makes me laugh and laugh...
then i remember about the eels... and i remember this thought... this line from another blog (also pointed out by cody) and how it just made me think for awhile...
""i was thinkin' bout how everyone is dying, and maybe it's time to live" in "p.s. you rock my world"). it's a stunning conclusion to this intensely personal, unforgettably emotional story"
you can find the full text here: http://sand-is-overrated.blogspot.com/2008/02/you-think-i-got-it-all-going-my-way.html
ps. the tag line on that blog is: sand is overrated. it's just tiny little rocks. which is hilarious in itself.
and then i get to sit with my third cup of coffee and think about the fact that it's not the dying part that's important.. it's the living. it's the things you do between the being born and the dying that changes absolutely everything. it's what you do and how you do it. sometimes it's not the good things that define you, sometimes it's not the bad things that define you either. sometimes you have to define yourself by how you accept and love yourself despite the good things and the bad things. i'm going to be 33. i'm not proud or happy about everything i've done... i'm not sad or disappointed in everything i've done. lately the list of pros and cons is equal. i've accepted that others have lists of pros and cons that look similar. people are not a snapshot of one moment. they are a sum total of all the parts.
i don't know what that means really... no matter how long i stare at the screen and think about it... it's hard to really grasp. it's really hard to not let myself use the old phrases and definitions... to judge myself with startling harshness just to feel the sting and know that no matter what anyone else says about me that i've already been harder on myself than they could ever be. it's hard to say something nice to myself and feel okay with it. perhaps though it's somewhere in between the two.
perhaps i can allow those things to fade into the background and only make a judgement about today and right now... perhaps in this moment between being born, reborn, giving birth and whatever dying means i can just let this moment be the moment. let it just be right now... and just go my own way. perhaps in this moment i can accept that this life and my path are only my own. this is my collection of things - smoothed well worn happy memories and jagged sharp painful memories.... it's all mine and if i spend all my time in the past i'm not making any new memories. i'm wasting this moment... and my hope is that i'm adding things to the good memory list... like buying cupcake tights to make a little girl happy with the way she looks today and always being able to look back and see her happy face, having a good conversation last night with a dave who got to eat free tacos and remembering that friendship is solidified and cemented through lots of things... even if i am an international fugitive now, like reading cody's email and remembering the summer that held vanilla sky. these things are my landscape this morning. the rest of it... well it's in the trash bin with my old coffee maker that makes you actually push a button to make coffee.
sometimes you have to still be willing... regardless of what that means... and i'm choosing to be willing to live the life i want. i'd rather be in the business of realizing the happiness with each day is set on "auto" and is waiting for me each morning. i don't even have to do anything... i can just wake and enjoy. which sounds awful chipper doesn't it? ...it must be the pre-made coffee...
25 November 2008
a commentary... not about you... just about that guy
the bouncing souls - true believer
Hypocrisy (or the state of being a hypocrite) is the act of preaching a certain belief, religion or way of life, but not, in fact, holding these same virtues oneself. Hypocrisy is frequently invoked as an accusation in many contexts.
For linguist and social analyst Noam Chomsky, hypocrisy, defined as the refusal to "...apply to ourselves the same standards we apply to others"[1][2] is one of the central evils of our society--promoting injustices such as war[3][4] and social inequalities in a framework of self-deception, which includes the notion that hypocrisy itself is a necessary or beneficial part of human behavior and society.[5] [6]
In other languages, including French, a hypocrite is one who hides his intentions and true personality. This definition is different from that of the English language.
i think that's enough about that.... don't you?
17 November 2008
just for the record
if we're keeping records... just for the record... blue october is genius...
here is the playlist for those of you who are musically challenged and don't know about things that are good...
'movies in my head that make a porno feel like home'
'i'm sinking to the bottom of my everything that freaks me out'
'making sense of all mistakes and my stupidity'
oh... just genius... for so many reasons... because just when this journey that once took me to alaska takes yet another surprising turn i find that i am not at any decision making point... this is just where we build from. just when i got tired of building i figured out we haven't built anything yet. just when i thought it was a race i figured out it's about longevity not speed. just when i thought that i had a few things figured out i realized i don't know anything. when i think that we are at the bottom... and i can't go any further i find that i am nearly emotionally indestructable. (we thank the gillmore genes for that... sheer tenacity and a seeming inability to realize you're screwed... and the ability to manage it sober or drunk)
so cheers to building, going longer, going stronger and being in the game long enough to realize that it doesn't matter if you're in the running... it only matter what you decide to do with what you're building.
with that... i bid you goodnight..
oh wait... first i threw some cyanide valentine in there because.. well i felt like it and it's a brillant song as well... don't be a baby just listen.
here is the playlist for those of you who are musically challenged and don't know about things that are good...
'movies in my head that make a porno feel like home'
'i'm sinking to the bottom of my everything that freaks me out'
'making sense of all mistakes and my stupidity'
oh... just genius... for so many reasons... because just when this journey that once took me to alaska takes yet another surprising turn i find that i am not at any decision making point... this is just where we build from. just when i got tired of building i figured out we haven't built anything yet. just when i thought it was a race i figured out it's about longevity not speed. just when i thought that i had a few things figured out i realized i don't know anything. when i think that we are at the bottom... and i can't go any further i find that i am nearly emotionally indestructable. (we thank the gillmore genes for that... sheer tenacity and a seeming inability to realize you're screwed... and the ability to manage it sober or drunk)
so cheers to building, going longer, going stronger and being in the game long enough to realize that it doesn't matter if you're in the running... it only matter what you decide to do with what you're building.
with that... i bid you goodnight..
oh wait... first i threw some cyanide valentine in there because.. well i felt like it and it's a brillant song as well... don't be a baby just listen.
13 November 2008
entropy, alligators and aimee mann
i sit tonight quietly trying to do my homework for my communications class and you keep floating to the front of my head. today was the first day that i thought of you and anger didn't well up behind that thought. today was the first day in which i wondered how long it would be until we could move back into some sort of easy flowing communication. it was so coincidental that you called... i know you... that you want to make the effort but don't want to pressure me. i wish it was just that easy. i wish after all this time that we could just move backwards and forget what transpired.
go here and listen to this: the scientist - aimee mann
perhaps one day you will understand just what it is that happened. perhaps one day we can meet somewhere and get a cup of coffee and go for a walk and just talk.... just you and i. perhaps one day we can really meet each other. perhaps we won't need anyone else to tell either one of us what to think or say or worry about. perhaps you will one day be willing to forgive what i am judged to be... it's so strange to me that you who has been judged and made mistakes and understands redemption would not understand that i am worth the same things.
perhaps it is good... and as much as it kills me because i want to deny it... but the truth is that good things have come of it. there has been fruit in it because i have gotten the chance to explore other things within myself and stand alone without the crutch that you offered. i have gotten the opportunity to reexplore a part of my old life and in ways make old things right. it's the strangest thing about loss and growth of life... one thing dies and in it's place something beautiful grows and thrives in that strange awkward space. the space that i thought was his that no one would ever fill, you grew out of so quickly and made bigger... in ways i didn't know i was ready for... that space has growth of new seeds - of what i've been sowing lately with my best foot forward.
it doesn't mean that you didn't break my heart. but i suppose that a broken heart can only really hurt in that incapacitating way for a finite amount of time before it ceases to matter. when the mattering becomes anti-matter and things cease to really have any universal perspective... perhaps even feelings and memories tend to move in forward reaction towards entropy.
regardless, i don't wallow well..... and in some ways i'm sorry about that. today as i stopped being angry i stopped wallowing and feeling sorry for myself. today i began to honor the promise i made to send you on your way in peace. i do understand. i have regret and as a result i wish things were different but you know what they say - about hands and wishes.
so farewell, don't get eaten by an alligator, give the boys my love and try your best to become the best version of yourself.... i'll be here being the best version of myself and we'll just have to agree to disagree about the rest.
go here and listen to this: the scientist - aimee mann
perhaps one day you will understand just what it is that happened. perhaps one day we can meet somewhere and get a cup of coffee and go for a walk and just talk.... just you and i. perhaps one day we can really meet each other. perhaps we won't need anyone else to tell either one of us what to think or say or worry about. perhaps you will one day be willing to forgive what i am judged to be... it's so strange to me that you who has been judged and made mistakes and understands redemption would not understand that i am worth the same things.
perhaps it is good... and as much as it kills me because i want to deny it... but the truth is that good things have come of it. there has been fruit in it because i have gotten the chance to explore other things within myself and stand alone without the crutch that you offered. i have gotten the opportunity to reexplore a part of my old life and in ways make old things right. it's the strangest thing about loss and growth of life... one thing dies and in it's place something beautiful grows and thrives in that strange awkward space. the space that i thought was his that no one would ever fill, you grew out of so quickly and made bigger... in ways i didn't know i was ready for... that space has growth of new seeds - of what i've been sowing lately with my best foot forward.
it doesn't mean that you didn't break my heart. but i suppose that a broken heart can only really hurt in that incapacitating way for a finite amount of time before it ceases to matter. when the mattering becomes anti-matter and things cease to really have any universal perspective... perhaps even feelings and memories tend to move in forward reaction towards entropy.
regardless, i don't wallow well..... and in some ways i'm sorry about that. today as i stopped being angry i stopped wallowing and feeling sorry for myself. today i began to honor the promise i made to send you on your way in peace. i do understand. i have regret and as a result i wish things were different but you know what they say - about hands and wishes.
so farewell, don't get eaten by an alligator, give the boys my love and try your best to become the best version of yourself.... i'll be here being the best version of myself and we'll just have to agree to disagree about the rest.
07 October 2008
'member 'bout that?
'member 'bout that line in that blue october song... the hate me song... that says "Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home"... 'member 'bout how when we found it that was so profound... of being in those dark places long enough that visual ugliness seemed like a better place to be.
if you're new here and you don't 'member 'bout that you can go here and listen to it:
hate me - blue october
'member 'bout how we talked about how no matter what happened we would always be friends and 'bout how that's what it means to be friends? yeah, and sometimes i wish you were here to see these other things and hear these other things and see what people are really like sometimes. i wish we could walk down to the beach and we could talk about simplicity and cycles and take a drive and see the lighthouse lady... and talk about chuck palahniuk because i just read his book diary. you know it says in there... "if you don't understand something you can make it mean anything" and know what? he's totally right.
so here is my postcard to you... that i would throw off the space needle in the pitch black of a cold windy evening:
"i trust people and sometimes they let me down. sometimes i take that personally. i'm smarter than that though. it's not personal. i'm still a good person just for the sake of it. i'm not judging i'm just saying that people sometimes are sausage heads. and really... do i look worried?"
if you're new here and you don't 'member 'bout that you can go here and listen to it:
hate me - blue october
'member 'bout how we talked about how no matter what happened we would always be friends and 'bout how that's what it means to be friends? yeah, and sometimes i wish you were here to see these other things and hear these other things and see what people are really like sometimes. i wish we could walk down to the beach and we could talk about simplicity and cycles and take a drive and see the lighthouse lady... and talk about chuck palahniuk because i just read his book diary. you know it says in there... "if you don't understand something you can make it mean anything" and know what? he's totally right.
so here is my postcard to you... that i would throw off the space needle in the pitch black of a cold windy evening:
"i trust people and sometimes they let me down. sometimes i take that personally. i'm smarter than that though. it's not personal. i'm still a good person just for the sake of it. i'm not judging i'm just saying that people sometimes are sausage heads. and really... do i look worried?"
28 September 2008
alligators and coldplay
have you ever given up? what did it feel like? what did it look like? were you listening to this song as you did it? Coldplay - Viva la Vida
did you sit on the porch and spill your heart and it's contents before your roommate and God in an attempt to fight the good fight and grasp aloud what was right behind your eyes and wandering aimlessly in your heart. did you find the moment that you came to great clarity with thunderous understanding and perfection that the person that you believed was fighting right along side of you was actually an adversary?
did you hear your roommate say "i know how to call an alligator back" just as the frustration level reached it's peak and you were pretending to make the hissing noise that alligators make to say that they are all set?
did you know at that moment why alligators eat people? i do.
i give up today. not in a poor me way. not in a i can't do this way. i give up because i deserve better. i deserve to know that when i roll the dice and go all in that what i'm gambling on is more than an alligator's temperment or fake plastic chips. i want to know that when i look back on this moment it's not that i chose my path based on maybes... i chose it because it is my Spiritual north and i know in every piece of my being that there simply is no other choice. i want to know that when i get through with the good fight and i've bared my soul to those that stand still and listen long enough to hear it that any scars or cuts that are visible are ones that were not self inflicted and weren't inflicted by an enemy... that those are the scars and cuts that i had to get as a matter of course to get here.
did you know you always get what you ask for... we always get what we ask for no matter what. at that moment... after everything had transpired did you suddenly feel free and completely comfortable in your own skin for the first time in years. maybe you don't have to go anywhere to get to home... maybe home is in your heart and you get there by coming back to yourself with such force that you are ready to stand alone to defend it.
either way... tonight as i listen to coldplay and think about myself i know that this is the perfect place in the perfect moment with everything right where it should be and i find comfort in it... i find satisfaction and happiness.... and that feels like i'm winning the fight.... the good one.
did you sit on the porch and spill your heart and it's contents before your roommate and God in an attempt to fight the good fight and grasp aloud what was right behind your eyes and wandering aimlessly in your heart. did you find the moment that you came to great clarity with thunderous understanding and perfection that the person that you believed was fighting right along side of you was actually an adversary?
did you hear your roommate say "i know how to call an alligator back" just as the frustration level reached it's peak and you were pretending to make the hissing noise that alligators make to say that they are all set?
did you know at that moment why alligators eat people? i do.
i give up today. not in a poor me way. not in a i can't do this way. i give up because i deserve better. i deserve to know that when i roll the dice and go all in that what i'm gambling on is more than an alligator's temperment or fake plastic chips. i want to know that when i look back on this moment it's not that i chose my path based on maybes... i chose it because it is my Spiritual north and i know in every piece of my being that there simply is no other choice. i want to know that when i get through with the good fight and i've bared my soul to those that stand still and listen long enough to hear it that any scars or cuts that are visible are ones that were not self inflicted and weren't inflicted by an enemy... that those are the scars and cuts that i had to get as a matter of course to get here.
did you know you always get what you ask for... we always get what we ask for no matter what. at that moment... after everything had transpired did you suddenly feel free and completely comfortable in your own skin for the first time in years. maybe you don't have to go anywhere to get to home... maybe home is in your heart and you get there by coming back to yourself with such force that you are ready to stand alone to defend it.
either way... tonight as i listen to coldplay and think about myself i know that this is the perfect place in the perfect moment with everything right where it should be and i find comfort in it... i find satisfaction and happiness.... and that feels like i'm winning the fight.... the good one.
22 September 2008
the physics of meaning
the physics of meaning it's a band with a great song called aeroplanes and hurricanes... not my favorite like These United States over and over again but it's metaphorical and you know i'm a girl that likes the comfort of things being metaphorical and literal all at the same time. it gives me a strange contented feeling like running my tongue over the same spot on my cheek that i accidentally bit into. to understand that things are working on every plane and every platform and every level. when i find things come together in the perfect symbiosis that is a healthy life experiment i am always elated. excited like i feel when i have deja vu and when i finally see clearly what was right in front of me the whole time.
so anyway, the physics of meaning. what things mean and what is said and implied and how things are interpreted and what expectations are built and how fragile they all are when piled end to end in a tower like form. what that means and how gravity, motion, kinetic and potential energy all apply to tower building and misunderstandings that happen by default because we are imperfect and flawed beings. like building a tower to babel those things - the communications that are missed and the laws of the universe that we have created between us - eventually those come clanging down because the language is no longer understood amongst all the communicators.
i'm not sure how to avoid these things. i try time and time again to communicate just as clearly and honestly as i can but i find more often than not that either i fail or i seem to have misplaced my stupid decoder ring. i wish that i could somehow... just somehow see how delicate things are... when the message i'm getting is that they are perfectly stable. perhaps i'm just one of those people who is too direct, too straight forward or too logical. i, horror of all horrors, take things literally when people tell me what they want, think or feel. i like to overthink and be impulsive and i've found that it just doesn't work because i'm not a mind reader and truth be known i'm just not that smart. so i've worked hard to let people be what they are, accept what they are giving, wait until the message changes before i jump to conclusions. i thought that was all good stuff... being redemptive or neutral instead of reactive. however... every once in a while i realize about 10 hours too late that i've missed the secret message written in invisible ink and i am left with the pieces of the tower that i didn't even build.
so from now on... if you're looking for a place to dump your expectations, judgment, secret messages, implications and unspoken ideas... you need to do it on your side of the street. those things aren't mine. and it hurts my feelings to know that even when you promise that we're on the same page and i trust you that it could change at a moment's notice. i'm simply not ready for those if, ands, or buts. we have built something so strong and wonderful. i'm surprised that it could be blown over by something that seemed to be so within our realm of what we could together deal with. that uncertainty and that doubt and fear is not about being... that's about doing and i'm definitely not allowed to do that.
also want to say on a dorky side note that today i finally understood arrhenius equation and can solve for the variables and even use the integrated equation. i was proud and kinda nervous.... sometimes success is as scary as failure. i did find it coincidental that the things in the equation seem to apply to my personal situation today. if you'll indulge me (which you will because it's my blog) i'll show you what i found kind of amazing...
the equation is as follows:
k = Ae ^Ea/Rt
where k is the rate constant
A is the frequency factor
Ea is the activation energy
R is a given constant (8.314 J/mol)
and t is the temperature.
so.... now you apply it to life
k is the rate at which interactions take place
A is the frequency at which they successfully occur
Ea is the effort required to make the interaction positive and fruitful
R is the constant or the basis - your personal values, morals and ideals that offer common ground
t is still the temperature but we can use the scale of "cold" to "hot" for "dislike" to "love"
i promise if you start plugging in numbers from your personal life you will find that it works.... because chemistry is not subjective and it is not about decoder rings. it is all about clean science that is logical and perfect and if i could i would only live in that world... because well.... it makes so much sense.
so anyway, the physics of meaning. what things mean and what is said and implied and how things are interpreted and what expectations are built and how fragile they all are when piled end to end in a tower like form. what that means and how gravity, motion, kinetic and potential energy all apply to tower building and misunderstandings that happen by default because we are imperfect and flawed beings. like building a tower to babel those things - the communications that are missed and the laws of the universe that we have created between us - eventually those come clanging down because the language is no longer understood amongst all the communicators.
i'm not sure how to avoid these things. i try time and time again to communicate just as clearly and honestly as i can but i find more often than not that either i fail or i seem to have misplaced my stupid decoder ring. i wish that i could somehow... just somehow see how delicate things are... when the message i'm getting is that they are perfectly stable. perhaps i'm just one of those people who is too direct, too straight forward or too logical. i, horror of all horrors, take things literally when people tell me what they want, think or feel. i like to overthink and be impulsive and i've found that it just doesn't work because i'm not a mind reader and truth be known i'm just not that smart. so i've worked hard to let people be what they are, accept what they are giving, wait until the message changes before i jump to conclusions. i thought that was all good stuff... being redemptive or neutral instead of reactive. however... every once in a while i realize about 10 hours too late that i've missed the secret message written in invisible ink and i am left with the pieces of the tower that i didn't even build.
so from now on... if you're looking for a place to dump your expectations, judgment, secret messages, implications and unspoken ideas... you need to do it on your side of the street. those things aren't mine. and it hurts my feelings to know that even when you promise that we're on the same page and i trust you that it could change at a moment's notice. i'm simply not ready for those if, ands, or buts. we have built something so strong and wonderful. i'm surprised that it could be blown over by something that seemed to be so within our realm of what we could together deal with. that uncertainty and that doubt and fear is not about being... that's about doing and i'm definitely not allowed to do that.
also want to say on a dorky side note that today i finally understood arrhenius equation and can solve for the variables and even use the integrated equation. i was proud and kinda nervous.... sometimes success is as scary as failure. i did find it coincidental that the things in the equation seem to apply to my personal situation today. if you'll indulge me (which you will because it's my blog) i'll show you what i found kind of amazing...
the equation is as follows:
k = Ae ^Ea/Rt
where k is the rate constant
A is the frequency factor
Ea is the activation energy
R is a given constant (8.314 J/mol)
and t is the temperature.
so.... now you apply it to life
k is the rate at which interactions take place
A is the frequency at which they successfully occur
Ea is the effort required to make the interaction positive and fruitful
R is the constant or the basis - your personal values, morals and ideals that offer common ground
t is still the temperature but we can use the scale of "cold" to "hot" for "dislike" to "love"
i promise if you start plugging in numbers from your personal life you will find that it works.... because chemistry is not subjective and it is not about decoder rings. it is all about clean science that is logical and perfect and if i could i would only live in that world... because well.... it makes so much sense.
15 September 2008
the title of my life right now.... and a new tattoo
Corinne Bailey Rae - Steady As She Goes
it's an alright day when you can give your life a title while deciding what your next tattoo will be... that's pretty much the highlight of the day... and the last 7 days for that matter. and let me tell you saying "things pretty much can't get worse" is just about the stupidest thing a person could say... if stupidest was a word (which it might be unlike stupider... which still makes a great political campaign slogan "Everyone is stupider than me") and a person was so inclined to say something more stupid than the statement that comes right before that which is "i think this might be manageable".
what a person should say is... thank you dave kwant for always being the man with the love and the balls to "do" EPIC it's boys like you that make girls like me happy.... i have given more than enough warning that i will be making a fall appearance in ct which means take the weekend off of work, buy some jameson and start stealing firewood.... and last but not least "do i look worried?" and if i do by some odd chance don't worry... steady as she goes.
06 August 2008
and here you are
ever have that moment when social distortion, ayn rand and the man who invented jameson all seem to come together and make perfect sense?
no?
well... i don't know what to tell you about that.
i, on the other hand, have a very clear picture of what they look like together and it goes something like this:
if you find a contradiction go back and check your premise.
it was me against the world, i was sure that i'd win.
and last but definitely not least: the Jameson family's motto "Sine Metu"
perhaps that is enough for today... for now.... but i'm back in the world of the blogger... with a new perspective and big questions... like... what if i just moved to india? for no other reason than it would get me hell out of this place... wait... can i get jameson there?
no?
well... i don't know what to tell you about that.
i, on the other hand, have a very clear picture of what they look like together and it goes something like this:
if you find a contradiction go back and check your premise.
it was me against the world, i was sure that i'd win.
and last but definitely not least: the Jameson family's motto "Sine Metu"
perhaps that is enough for today... for now.... but i'm back in the world of the blogger... with a new perspective and big questions... like... what if i just moved to india? for no other reason than it would get me hell out of this place... wait... can i get jameson there?
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