thanksgiving was wonderful. it was a wonderful experience... full of good laughs and a new found gratitude and love for my family. we are normal - despite the things that make us abnormal. my siblings, my daughter and my parents are people i respect and love.
something happened though over the few days that has given me an idea to think about. oh, how i love a new idea to take apart and think about over and over and over again. it's something that happened in our house and it has to do with forgiveness and letting go of the past.
it seems that there are things that happen in life. there are good things and bad things and in between things. the in between things seem to get swept away with the sands of time - mediocre dinners, movies, experiences, conversations. those are neutral and ultimately they neither reinforce or destroy ties. there are the good things. the good things are memories and they bring a feeling of warmth and love. these are the things that are what make life pleasant, loving and fun. but it's the bad things and how you deal with them in the grand scale of time that create an attitude of either love or frustration and resentment which lead to anger.
here is my opinion - about those bad things. it's just my opinion and perhaps i don't know shit about shit... i'm open to being wrong (and if i am please speak UP so i can look at this new idea in a different light).
bad shit happens. people do bad shit, act like shits, say shitty things and sometimes even shit on you. in time usually those people apologize, grow, change and behave in new ways. (if they don't do any of those things or they are oblivious to the changes that need to be made that's a different rant) when you recieve time, growth and an apology you have two choices: forgive or hold on. holding on leads to death of relationships, forgiving offers a chance for your heart to hold new ideas and new good things. in my opinion, there is only so much room in your heart - like your closet - you can either store good things or negative things. dredging up the past and choosing to be resentful over it only limits YOU. it only serves to prevent YOU from being the person you want to be.
there is no time machine. there is no way to go back and change the past. there is only this moment and the future. why choose to let the past dictate your present or your future? why choose to let negative resentments and anger rule the potential happiness? why not allow people to apologize, accept their part, you accept your part and try to build a bridge to the present? it seems silly to me to hold on to the angry feelings that are chained in the past... ultimately you're the only one still standing there and you're missing out on the gift of the present.
here is to forgiving and moving forward...
if you choose to set those bags down i think you'll find your journey is easier. but you can have whatever journey you want. i'm definitely not the boss of you.
may your journey bring you to peace. it's a big world out there but i hope you'll find your way to your own brand of happiness.
Showing posts with label things to think about. Show all posts
Showing posts with label things to think about. Show all posts
28 November 2009
29 April 2009
knowing what you can change and what you cannot
somedays you have to figure out the hard way what and who you cannot change. that's all you can do... realize what is within your control and what is not. then as my 7 year old said when she got off the phone with her dad yesterday "i have to move on with my life". here's to moving on and letting go.
ps - my heart is definitely in san diego along with my new tattoo..
ps - my heart is definitely in san diego along with my new tattoo..
28 April 2009
okay... we need to talk
seriously? sometimes i wonder what kind of snuggy wearing people watch tv. i don't watch tv much... more than i used to... not as much as the average american... but when i do... i always see something that makes me doubt the sanity of consumers as a whole.
my rant today is about antioxidant body wash.
um... i'm not an astrophysicist... but i'm pretty sure it's hard to absorb anti-oxidants for your internal organs through your SKIN. even if anti-oxidants are known to fight free radicals... don't we have a huge thing that protects us from those pesky cancer causing radicals? (if by "that huge thing" i mean our EPIDERMIS!!) now thier claims that a soap can prevent the signs of aging is about as valuable and meaningful as saying that putting bifidus regularis on your arm will regulate your digestive system. if it was possible to fight cancer based on applying things to your skin then wouldn't it mean we could cure disease through body wash? wouldn't that mean that we could have anti-biotic soap and cure strep throat? or pnuemonia?
let me give you a little tip... if you are concerned about premature aging or the signs of aging please start drinking water, stop smoking and drinking and for the love of god stay out of the tanning beds. also, perhaps you should exercise, and stay away from pollution and only put healthy whole foods in your body. the showering issue is the least of your worries....
am i way off base here? does anyone else think about these things?
seriously? my head hurts just thinking about who falls for this....
here is the text from a website by a woman who thinks it's great and smells good too... maybe all those anti-oxidants have made her mentally deficient...
Cranberries, a Super-Fruit, are well-known and effective in the fight against cancer-causing free radicals. Infused with cranberry extract and the fresh scent of cranberries, Dial’s body wash helps to reduce the effects of aging on the skin with it’s little antioxidant beads. Regular use leads to younger-looking, healthier skin texture.
I’ve got a bottle of the Cranberry body wash in my shower right now. It smells great, works up a nice sudsy lather, and it’s only about $4.99 for an 18 ounce bottle.
Look for both Dial Antioxidant Body Wash and Glycerin Bar with Cranberry and Antioxidant Pearls in grocery or drug stores now.
For more information, visit Dial Soap.com.
19 February 2009
have you ever wondered if you got something fundamentally wrong in your life? like maybe there is a huge plan for everyone and somehow you got turned around on a path that had confusing signs and made a huge error in the interpretation of the signs?
for example i just found out that one of my long time friends and mentors (who i no longer speak to... it's just effing complicated) has the exact same name as a famous author and mentor who said "that there are always times of trauma and anxiety and crises of self confidence when you are building something and trying to bring about change and improve lives." i'll be honest... that advice might have been the advice all along... like what if i had the name right but was supposed to be friends with the famous author instead?
what if? just weird to think about all those little moments that might have been different if we had always known clearly what the signs said.... it's not about regret... it's more about thinking of things from a different perspective - contradictions cannot exist, if you find a contradiction, go back and check your premise.... for now i'm concentrating on the perspective that anxiety and crises of self confidence exist.. i'll get to the rest later.
for example i just found out that one of my long time friends and mentors (who i no longer speak to... it's just effing complicated) has the exact same name as a famous author and mentor who said "that there are always times of trauma and anxiety and crises of self confidence when you are building something and trying to bring about change and improve lives." i'll be honest... that advice might have been the advice all along... like what if i had the name right but was supposed to be friends with the famous author instead?
what if? just weird to think about all those little moments that might have been different if we had always known clearly what the signs said.... it's not about regret... it's more about thinking of things from a different perspective - contradictions cannot exist, if you find a contradiction, go back and check your premise.... for now i'm concentrating on the perspective that anxiety and crises of self confidence exist.. i'll get to the rest later.
09 February 2009
willing... in the morning...
this morning as i woke, a little earlier than i wanted, a little stiffer than i wanted, a little not sure about monday... for no reason. it's just morning and sometimes i don't love it.
this song is the theme... but you might not "get it" until the end of the blog... and for some of you not even then... just kidding dave...
linda ronstadt - willing
so i help a certain someone put on her new cupcake tights for school - fucking cupcake tights... seriously it's sooo cute... who wouldn't love wearing cupcake tights to school? i mean everyone should maybe wear a pair of cupcake tights just to feel a little pretty and fancy...
anyway so i come downstairs and think about going back to bed after she is safely at school and then i see the best thing that has happened to me in forever... my coffee is already made!!!!! i finally got one of those coffee makers that has a timer and it's the best $20 i ever spent... i cannot stress enough how great it makes your morning to just have that one thing done... to just pour your coffee instead of sleep walking around the kitchen and then impatiently waiting for it to brew just thinking the whole time about how much it sucks to be awake and how if you didn't have to make your stupid coffee you would be 2 things: 1. not addicted to caffeine and 2. still in bed.
so as i'm sitting down with my first cup o coffee for the day i see the following in an email from cody...
you can find the full text here: http://hearingvoices.com/news/2009/02/more-travel-tips/
which just makes me laugh and laugh...
then i remember about the eels... and i remember this thought... this line from another blog (also pointed out by cody) and how it just made me think for awhile...
""i was thinkin' bout how everyone is dying, and maybe it's time to live" in "p.s. you rock my world"). it's a stunning conclusion to this intensely personal, unforgettably emotional story"
you can find the full text here: http://sand-is-overrated.blogspot.com/2008/02/you-think-i-got-it-all-going-my-way.html
ps. the tag line on that blog is: sand is overrated. it's just tiny little rocks. which is hilarious in itself.
and then i get to sit with my third cup of coffee and think about the fact that it's not the dying part that's important.. it's the living. it's the things you do between the being born and the dying that changes absolutely everything. it's what you do and how you do it. sometimes it's not the good things that define you, sometimes it's not the bad things that define you either. sometimes you have to define yourself by how you accept and love yourself despite the good things and the bad things. i'm going to be 33. i'm not proud or happy about everything i've done... i'm not sad or disappointed in everything i've done. lately the list of pros and cons is equal. i've accepted that others have lists of pros and cons that look similar. people are not a snapshot of one moment. they are a sum total of all the parts.
i don't know what that means really... no matter how long i stare at the screen and think about it... it's hard to really grasp. it's really hard to not let myself use the old phrases and definitions... to judge myself with startling harshness just to feel the sting and know that no matter what anyone else says about me that i've already been harder on myself than they could ever be. it's hard to say something nice to myself and feel okay with it. perhaps though it's somewhere in between the two.
perhaps i can allow those things to fade into the background and only make a judgement about today and right now... perhaps in this moment between being born, reborn, giving birth and whatever dying means i can just let this moment be the moment. let it just be right now... and just go my own way. perhaps in this moment i can accept that this life and my path are only my own. this is my collection of things - smoothed well worn happy memories and jagged sharp painful memories.... it's all mine and if i spend all my time in the past i'm not making any new memories. i'm wasting this moment... and my hope is that i'm adding things to the good memory list... like buying cupcake tights to make a little girl happy with the way she looks today and always being able to look back and see her happy face, having a good conversation last night with a dave who got to eat free tacos and remembering that friendship is solidified and cemented through lots of things... even if i am an international fugitive now, like reading cody's email and remembering the summer that held vanilla sky. these things are my landscape this morning. the rest of it... well it's in the trash bin with my old coffee maker that makes you actually push a button to make coffee.
sometimes you have to still be willing... regardless of what that means... and i'm choosing to be willing to live the life i want. i'd rather be in the business of realizing the happiness with each day is set on "auto" and is waiting for me each morning. i don't even have to do anything... i can just wake and enjoy. which sounds awful chipper doesn't it? ...it must be the pre-made coffee...
this song is the theme... but you might not "get it" until the end of the blog... and for some of you not even then... just kidding dave...
linda ronstadt - willing
so i help a certain someone put on her new cupcake tights for school - fucking cupcake tights... seriously it's sooo cute... who wouldn't love wearing cupcake tights to school? i mean everyone should maybe wear a pair of cupcake tights just to feel a little pretty and fancy...
anyway so i come downstairs and think about going back to bed after she is safely at school and then i see the best thing that has happened to me in forever... my coffee is already made!!!!! i finally got one of those coffee makers that has a timer and it's the best $20 i ever spent... i cannot stress enough how great it makes your morning to just have that one thing done... to just pour your coffee instead of sleep walking around the kitchen and then impatiently waiting for it to brew just thinking the whole time about how much it sucks to be awake and how if you didn't have to make your stupid coffee you would be 2 things: 1. not addicted to caffeine and 2. still in bed.
so as i'm sitting down with my first cup o coffee for the day i see the following in an email from cody...
HearVox News Audio, art, & cultcha blog
By JW 2009.02.08 tags: travel, travel tips.
Travel Tips
Contributions to a growing list:
#136 Sandals are not the best thing to wear for hiking through a tropical forest to grassy, steep ocean cliffs after two days of heavy rain—no matter how much they look like ones Jesus would have worn.
#34 Those most interested in history are those about to become it. Try to take an interest no matter your age.
#156 If you hear “The Gambler” playing, run. Run away. Something is horribly wrong, will be, or ought to be.
you can find the full text here: http://hearingvoices.com/news/2009/02/more-travel-tips/
which just makes me laugh and laugh...
then i remember about the eels... and i remember this thought... this line from another blog (also pointed out by cody) and how it just made me think for awhile...
""i was thinkin' bout how everyone is dying, and maybe it's time to live" in "p.s. you rock my world"). it's a stunning conclusion to this intensely personal, unforgettably emotional story"
you can find the full text here: http://sand-is-overrated.blogspot.com/2008/02/you-think-i-got-it-all-going-my-way.html
ps. the tag line on that blog is: sand is overrated. it's just tiny little rocks. which is hilarious in itself.
and then i get to sit with my third cup of coffee and think about the fact that it's not the dying part that's important.. it's the living. it's the things you do between the being born and the dying that changes absolutely everything. it's what you do and how you do it. sometimes it's not the good things that define you, sometimes it's not the bad things that define you either. sometimes you have to define yourself by how you accept and love yourself despite the good things and the bad things. i'm going to be 33. i'm not proud or happy about everything i've done... i'm not sad or disappointed in everything i've done. lately the list of pros and cons is equal. i've accepted that others have lists of pros and cons that look similar. people are not a snapshot of one moment. they are a sum total of all the parts.
i don't know what that means really... no matter how long i stare at the screen and think about it... it's hard to really grasp. it's really hard to not let myself use the old phrases and definitions... to judge myself with startling harshness just to feel the sting and know that no matter what anyone else says about me that i've already been harder on myself than they could ever be. it's hard to say something nice to myself and feel okay with it. perhaps though it's somewhere in between the two.
perhaps i can allow those things to fade into the background and only make a judgement about today and right now... perhaps in this moment between being born, reborn, giving birth and whatever dying means i can just let this moment be the moment. let it just be right now... and just go my own way. perhaps in this moment i can accept that this life and my path are only my own. this is my collection of things - smoothed well worn happy memories and jagged sharp painful memories.... it's all mine and if i spend all my time in the past i'm not making any new memories. i'm wasting this moment... and my hope is that i'm adding things to the good memory list... like buying cupcake tights to make a little girl happy with the way she looks today and always being able to look back and see her happy face, having a good conversation last night with a dave who got to eat free tacos and remembering that friendship is solidified and cemented through lots of things... even if i am an international fugitive now, like reading cody's email and remembering the summer that held vanilla sky. these things are my landscape this morning. the rest of it... well it's in the trash bin with my old coffee maker that makes you actually push a button to make coffee.
sometimes you have to still be willing... regardless of what that means... and i'm choosing to be willing to live the life i want. i'd rather be in the business of realizing the happiness with each day is set on "auto" and is waiting for me each morning. i don't even have to do anything... i can just wake and enjoy. which sounds awful chipper doesn't it? ...it must be the pre-made coffee...
17 December 2008
downright bizarre
okay, so i was looking for volunteer opportunities on craigslist and i found this other thing... this weird weird thing called missed connections... and there are posts... some are downright creepy, sad, bizarre and just... well effed up.... here are a few of my favorites...
Reply to: pers-923084859@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-11-17, 2:44PM MST
Jennie I meet you in BHC I knew you were in a relationship (Lee who you said spends way to much time on the internet) but I told you I was single. Well I'm
not and my wedding ring fell out of my pants in your living room. You have my #
so please call me "I need that ring back!!!" My wife (the one in the picture with me, I said was my sister is going to leave me if I dont have that ring back in a few days. It was her grandfathers wedding ring. Please If anyone knows Jennie who hangs out at west gate and dates an internet addict named Lee give her the message.
Reply to: pers-960192183@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-12-16, 10:59AM MST
I'm not so sure as to the exact moment,
but I do know...that I've searched for that moment my whole life.
Life has a funny way when it sets us on a journey, we have so much preconceived in what we seek, only to find that "all" is not what we find at all.
I feel like I waited my whole life to find what you were to me; to feel what you made me feel; to care so much about you and beyond you.
I'm no longer sure that another man will ever matter in this lifetime.....you mattered the most in such a short time.
I believe the toughest journey for me ahead, is the lesson as to why we are now apart.
And now, at this ending, I understand that SOUL MATES do exist, and have further learned that they are just not always destined to be together within that same lifetime....
God knew what he was doing when we met.....we did not.
Perhaps another life, another Christmas....and we shall.....
G
Reply to: pers-958655860@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-12-15, 9:39AM MST
Reply to: pers-953432811@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-12-10, 9:34PM MST
You are the most, stubborn and presumptive man I have ever loved.....the only man I have ever loved....silly monster....I know what you are thinking....you are wrong....so wrong....I am devoted to you, and only you. Hear me. Hear me. I hear you and I am waiting, patiently.
Reply to: pers-951558397@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-12-09, 2:11PM MST
I cannot express to you, enough, how much loss I feel. How devastated my body is. How my heart has been a roller coaster of hope and despair. I am so tired of the game. I cannot go on like this. I truly, love you. Enough to say goodbye, not goodnight. I love you and would come home if you wanted. I fear that all of my waiting has been in vain. I do not believe in faith, or the magic of the wishing shrine, or my altar of devotion, or my secret longings. There is nothing now. I am accepting you are never going to come back. I am alone. You are not here, and I do not believe you will ever arrive. I want to be far away from this place, from my walking path and exist in my dreams for you. I am hopelessly sad. Please stop the madness. I am ready. I miss you. I am pleading with you. For our future, and our now.
Reply to: pers-956115991@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-12-13, 12:53AM MST
I keep hearing our song.
You Have My Wedding Ring - m4w - 35 (Goodyear)
Reply to: pers-923084859@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-11-17, 2:44PM MST
Jennie I meet you in BHC I knew you were in a relationship (Lee who you said spends way to much time on the internet) but I told you I was single. Well I'm
not and my wedding ring fell out of my pants in your living room. You have my #
so please call me "I need that ring back!!!" My wife (the one in the picture with me, I said was my sister is going to leave me if I dont have that ring back in a few days. It was her grandfathers wedding ring. Please If anyone knows Jennie who hangs out at west gate and dates an internet addict named Lee give her the message.
THE CHRISTMAS "PRESENT" - w4m - 46 (LV)
Reply to: pers-960192183@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-12-16, 10:59AM MST
I'm not so sure as to the exact moment,
but I do know...that I've searched for that moment my whole life.
Life has a funny way when it sets us on a journey, we have so much preconceived in what we seek, only to find that "all" is not what we find at all.
I feel like I waited my whole life to find what you were to me; to feel what you made me feel; to care so much about you and beyond you.
I'm no longer sure that another man will ever matter in this lifetime.....you mattered the most in such a short time.
I believe the toughest journey for me ahead, is the lesson as to why we are now apart.
And now, at this ending, I understand that SOUL MATES do exist, and have further learned that they are just not always destined to be together within that same lifetime....
God knew what he was doing when we met.....we did not.
Perhaps another life, another Christmas....and we shall.....
G
To CW - So he finally moved back in..... - w4m (Paradise Valley)
Reply to: pers-958655860@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-12-15, 9:39AM MST
CW
I know you have him back you used the kids because you knew that was the one thing that could get to him. It won't work - whatever was wrong before is still wrong. If you could have seen him before he left our home yesterday morning a broken man crying like a baby because of what he was doing to me - loving me so much but not being able to take the threat of not seeing his kids anymore. You know that when he has to leave again it will be worse on them next time...why couldn't you just let him be happy? He is my soulmate and I know we were meant to be together forever..i love him with all my heart and I know he loves me just as much. The most important thing for your kids is to be loved and have a great realtionship with 2 parents....living in a house where one parent doesn't want to be is not healthy for them and believe me they will know....
TW...you have my heart with you...it is yours forever....I'm not giving up on our dream.
K
I know you have him back you used the kids because you knew that was the one thing that could get to him. It won't work - whatever was wrong before is still wrong. If you could have seen him before he left our home yesterday morning a broken man crying like a baby because of what he was doing to me - loving me so much but not being able to take the threat of not seeing his kids anymore. You know that when he has to leave again it will be worse on them next time...why couldn't you just let him be happy? He is my soulmate and I know we were meant to be together forever..i love him with all my heart and I know he loves me just as much. The most important thing for your kids is to be loved and have a great realtionship with 2 parents....living in a house where one parent doesn't want to be is not healthy for them and believe me they will know....
TW...you have my heart with you...it is yours forever....I'm not giving up on our dream.
K
RYAN!!!!!! - w4m - 28 (Squalor)
Reply to: pers-953432811@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-12-10, 9:34PM MST
You are the most, stubborn and presumptive man I have ever loved.....the only man I have ever loved....silly monster....I know what you are thinking....you are wrong....so wrong....I am devoted to you, and only you. Hear me. Hear me. I hear you and I am waiting, patiently.
RYAN - w4m - 28 (Tucson)
Reply to: pers-951558397@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-12-09, 2:11PM MST
I cannot express to you, enough, how much loss I feel. How devastated my body is. How my heart has been a roller coaster of hope and despair. I am so tired of the game. I cannot go on like this. I truly, love you. Enough to say goodbye, not goodnight. I love you and would come home if you wanted. I fear that all of my waiting has been in vain. I do not believe in faith, or the magic of the wishing shrine, or my altar of devotion, or my secret longings. There is nothing now. I am accepting you are never going to come back. I am alone. You are not here, and I do not believe you will ever arrive. I want to be far away from this place, from my walking path and exist in my dreams for you. I am hopelessly sad. Please stop the madness. I am ready. I miss you. I am pleading with you. For our future, and our now.
I thought you didn't eat McDonalds? - w4m - 21 (lost)
Reply to: pers-956115991@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-12-13, 12:53AM MST
I keep hearing our song.
17 November 2008
just for the record
if we're keeping records... just for the record... blue october is genius...
here is the playlist for those of you who are musically challenged and don't know about things that are good...
'movies in my head that make a porno feel like home'
'i'm sinking to the bottom of my everything that freaks me out'
'making sense of all mistakes and my stupidity'
oh... just genius... for so many reasons... because just when this journey that once took me to alaska takes yet another surprising turn i find that i am not at any decision making point... this is just where we build from. just when i got tired of building i figured out we haven't built anything yet. just when i thought it was a race i figured out it's about longevity not speed. just when i thought that i had a few things figured out i realized i don't know anything. when i think that we are at the bottom... and i can't go any further i find that i am nearly emotionally indestructable. (we thank the gillmore genes for that... sheer tenacity and a seeming inability to realize you're screwed... and the ability to manage it sober or drunk)
so cheers to building, going longer, going stronger and being in the game long enough to realize that it doesn't matter if you're in the running... it only matter what you decide to do with what you're building.
with that... i bid you goodnight..
oh wait... first i threw some cyanide valentine in there because.. well i felt like it and it's a brillant song as well... don't be a baby just listen.
here is the playlist for those of you who are musically challenged and don't know about things that are good...
'movies in my head that make a porno feel like home'
'i'm sinking to the bottom of my everything that freaks me out'
'making sense of all mistakes and my stupidity'
oh... just genius... for so many reasons... because just when this journey that once took me to alaska takes yet another surprising turn i find that i am not at any decision making point... this is just where we build from. just when i got tired of building i figured out we haven't built anything yet. just when i thought it was a race i figured out it's about longevity not speed. just when i thought that i had a few things figured out i realized i don't know anything. when i think that we are at the bottom... and i can't go any further i find that i am nearly emotionally indestructable. (we thank the gillmore genes for that... sheer tenacity and a seeming inability to realize you're screwed... and the ability to manage it sober or drunk)
so cheers to building, going longer, going stronger and being in the game long enough to realize that it doesn't matter if you're in the running... it only matter what you decide to do with what you're building.
with that... i bid you goodnight..
oh wait... first i threw some cyanide valentine in there because.. well i felt like it and it's a brillant song as well... don't be a baby just listen.
28 September 2008
alligators and coldplay
have you ever given up? what did it feel like? what did it look like? were you listening to this song as you did it? Coldplay - Viva la Vida
did you sit on the porch and spill your heart and it's contents before your roommate and God in an attempt to fight the good fight and grasp aloud what was right behind your eyes and wandering aimlessly in your heart. did you find the moment that you came to great clarity with thunderous understanding and perfection that the person that you believed was fighting right along side of you was actually an adversary?
did you hear your roommate say "i know how to call an alligator back" just as the frustration level reached it's peak and you were pretending to make the hissing noise that alligators make to say that they are all set?
did you know at that moment why alligators eat people? i do.
i give up today. not in a poor me way. not in a i can't do this way. i give up because i deserve better. i deserve to know that when i roll the dice and go all in that what i'm gambling on is more than an alligator's temperment or fake plastic chips. i want to know that when i look back on this moment it's not that i chose my path based on maybes... i chose it because it is my Spiritual north and i know in every piece of my being that there simply is no other choice. i want to know that when i get through with the good fight and i've bared my soul to those that stand still and listen long enough to hear it that any scars or cuts that are visible are ones that were not self inflicted and weren't inflicted by an enemy... that those are the scars and cuts that i had to get as a matter of course to get here.
did you know you always get what you ask for... we always get what we ask for no matter what. at that moment... after everything had transpired did you suddenly feel free and completely comfortable in your own skin for the first time in years. maybe you don't have to go anywhere to get to home... maybe home is in your heart and you get there by coming back to yourself with such force that you are ready to stand alone to defend it.
either way... tonight as i listen to coldplay and think about myself i know that this is the perfect place in the perfect moment with everything right where it should be and i find comfort in it... i find satisfaction and happiness.... and that feels like i'm winning the fight.... the good one.
did you sit on the porch and spill your heart and it's contents before your roommate and God in an attempt to fight the good fight and grasp aloud what was right behind your eyes and wandering aimlessly in your heart. did you find the moment that you came to great clarity with thunderous understanding and perfection that the person that you believed was fighting right along side of you was actually an adversary?
did you hear your roommate say "i know how to call an alligator back" just as the frustration level reached it's peak and you were pretending to make the hissing noise that alligators make to say that they are all set?
did you know at that moment why alligators eat people? i do.
i give up today. not in a poor me way. not in a i can't do this way. i give up because i deserve better. i deserve to know that when i roll the dice and go all in that what i'm gambling on is more than an alligator's temperment or fake plastic chips. i want to know that when i look back on this moment it's not that i chose my path based on maybes... i chose it because it is my Spiritual north and i know in every piece of my being that there simply is no other choice. i want to know that when i get through with the good fight and i've bared my soul to those that stand still and listen long enough to hear it that any scars or cuts that are visible are ones that were not self inflicted and weren't inflicted by an enemy... that those are the scars and cuts that i had to get as a matter of course to get here.
did you know you always get what you ask for... we always get what we ask for no matter what. at that moment... after everything had transpired did you suddenly feel free and completely comfortable in your own skin for the first time in years. maybe you don't have to go anywhere to get to home... maybe home is in your heart and you get there by coming back to yourself with such force that you are ready to stand alone to defend it.
either way... tonight as i listen to coldplay and think about myself i know that this is the perfect place in the perfect moment with everything right where it should be and i find comfort in it... i find satisfaction and happiness.... and that feels like i'm winning the fight.... the good one.
06 August 2008
and here you are
ever have that moment when social distortion, ayn rand and the man who invented jameson all seem to come together and make perfect sense?
no?
well... i don't know what to tell you about that.
i, on the other hand, have a very clear picture of what they look like together and it goes something like this:
if you find a contradiction go back and check your premise.
it was me against the world, i was sure that i'd win.
and last but definitely not least: the Jameson family's motto "Sine Metu"
perhaps that is enough for today... for now.... but i'm back in the world of the blogger... with a new perspective and big questions... like... what if i just moved to india? for no other reason than it would get me hell out of this place... wait... can i get jameson there?
no?
well... i don't know what to tell you about that.
i, on the other hand, have a very clear picture of what they look like together and it goes something like this:
if you find a contradiction go back and check your premise.
it was me against the world, i was sure that i'd win.
and last but definitely not least: the Jameson family's motto "Sine Metu"
perhaps that is enough for today... for now.... but i'm back in the world of the blogger... with a new perspective and big questions... like... what if i just moved to india? for no other reason than it would get me hell out of this place... wait... can i get jameson there?
08 May 2008
trinity broadcasting network
three things i just saw on the trinity broadcasting network:
1. kirk cameron preaching about the lord and how dirty we all are.... he was a way better actor on whatever unimportant 80s show he used to be on..
2. an old lady (91 if she was a day) crying because she was stoked about the choir. i'm still not sure why she was crying unless it was the dude in the fourth row who was clearly lipsynching.
3. a dude with a mullet talking about the coming apocalypse and then trying to sell his book to viewers about said apocalypse. he did not mention mullets and their inherent tie into all that is evil.
three other things you should know:
1. no i don't watch trinity broadcasting network usually
2. i was flipping channels and it looked just as interesting as a sitcom
3. i'm concerned about what i've seen and feel a little weirded out like i've seen something i shouldn't have... i've seen porn that made me feel less ashamed.
1. kirk cameron preaching about the lord and how dirty we all are.... he was a way better actor on whatever unimportant 80s show he used to be on..
2. an old lady (91 if she was a day) crying because she was stoked about the choir. i'm still not sure why she was crying unless it was the dude in the fourth row who was clearly lipsynching.
3. a dude with a mullet talking about the coming apocalypse and then trying to sell his book to viewers about said apocalypse. he did not mention mullets and their inherent tie into all that is evil.
three other things you should know:
1. no i don't watch trinity broadcasting network usually
2. i was flipping channels and it looked just as interesting as a sitcom
3. i'm concerned about what i've seen and feel a little weirded out like i've seen something i shouldn't have... i've seen porn that made me feel less ashamed.
09 April 2008
how to stay alive forever
it's two for one day... it's two blogs in one day... it happens sometimes... and i'm going to say that it's because i'm fucking awesome but what it's really about is that i've been on my china / tibet / political awareness soap box for a week and i've got some other things to say... just a few things... and in fairness i found this awesome website and i laughed out loud and i thought that as a reward for continuing to read despite my affiliation with very liberal views and world peace diatribes you should be rewarded by something fabulous:
1000 Life Lessons or HOW TO STAY ALIVE FOREVER
seriously... spend some time reading it. it's genius... then come back here and hear all about how my life has changed drastically in the past 7 days. no really it has... i'm not just saying that as some abstruse carrot dangling before your pretty little head.
first let's start with the playlist cuz listening to greatness while reading how things are is always lots of fun.
so i've been learning and growing and changing in this past week... on the eternal road to self knowledge, self awareness, forgiveness, patience and love... it's a pretty big mission statement but i get up everyday and i give it the good old college try. i don't even really know what that means but i know i try. so here is a recap of what i've learned....
1. sweating the small stuff is still a really bad idea. let go of the things that are inconsequential or can't be changed. it will change your perspective, a bad hair cut and your perspective on friendships and lifelong bonds.
2. anyone who is involved in a miscommunication is 50% at fault. yep. even you. you were there and so you were involved and so you either didn't speak clearly or you didn't listen fully.
3. lessons in life are hard to learn sometimes. that doesn't mean you are stupid or on the wrong page metaphorically speaking. sometimes you're overthinking it. sometimes you aren't thinking about it enough. either way once the lesson becomes clear embrace it, take note of it and move forward with confidence.
4. people that blame and get defensive have something to hide. they aren't being forthright, they are making excuses for inexcusable behavior and you can let them go. it's really a moot point once you get into the phrase "i did it because..." all you need to hear is that they did it. when a person doesn't take responsibility for their actions everything else is pointless.
5. everything in the world and in the universe starts and ends with love. it is the purpose of life, it is the purpose of death, it is the purpose of living and it is the thing that defines us. it is the only truth. it makes sense on every level - science, philosophy, religion and emotionally. everything ever worth talking about or experiencing is about loving and the feelings that come from that love - positive or negative - it's all from the same beginning.
6. good music is still good even if no one else loves it like you do.
7. if you wait for external validation for your thoughts and words and emotions you will be waiting along ass time. go ahead and validate yourself.
8. six year olds are capable of understanding human interaction in a simple and perfect way. they are also sometimes difficult but they give really good hugs and take awesome naps.
9. bad things happen to good people. good things happen to bad people. it all comes out in the wash. additionally it's not always apparent from the outset what the outcome will be - sometimes bad things end up being good and vice versa.
10. jameson and ginger ale fix almost all that ails a person.
1000 Life Lessons or HOW TO STAY ALIVE FOREVER
seriously... spend some time reading it. it's genius... then come back here and hear all about how my life has changed drastically in the past 7 days. no really it has... i'm not just saying that as some abstruse carrot dangling before your pretty little head.
first let's start with the playlist cuz listening to greatness while reading how things are is always lots of fun.
so i've been learning and growing and changing in this past week... on the eternal road to self knowledge, self awareness, forgiveness, patience and love... it's a pretty big mission statement but i get up everyday and i give it the good old college try. i don't even really know what that means but i know i try. so here is a recap of what i've learned....
1. sweating the small stuff is still a really bad idea. let go of the things that are inconsequential or can't be changed. it will change your perspective, a bad hair cut and your perspective on friendships and lifelong bonds.
2. anyone who is involved in a miscommunication is 50% at fault. yep. even you. you were there and so you were involved and so you either didn't speak clearly or you didn't listen fully.
3. lessons in life are hard to learn sometimes. that doesn't mean you are stupid or on the wrong page metaphorically speaking. sometimes you're overthinking it. sometimes you aren't thinking about it enough. either way once the lesson becomes clear embrace it, take note of it and move forward with confidence.
4. people that blame and get defensive have something to hide. they aren't being forthright, they are making excuses for inexcusable behavior and you can let them go. it's really a moot point once you get into the phrase "i did it because..." all you need to hear is that they did it. when a person doesn't take responsibility for their actions everything else is pointless.
5. everything in the world and in the universe starts and ends with love. it is the purpose of life, it is the purpose of death, it is the purpose of living and it is the thing that defines us. it is the only truth. it makes sense on every level - science, philosophy, religion and emotionally. everything ever worth talking about or experiencing is about loving and the feelings that come from that love - positive or negative - it's all from the same beginning.
6. good music is still good even if no one else loves it like you do.
7. if you wait for external validation for your thoughts and words and emotions you will be waiting along ass time. go ahead and validate yourself.
8. six year olds are capable of understanding human interaction in a simple and perfect way. they are also sometimes difficult but they give really good hugs and take awesome naps.
9. bad things happen to good people. good things happen to bad people. it all comes out in the wash. additionally it's not always apparent from the outset what the outcome will be - sometimes bad things end up being good and vice versa.
10. jameson and ginger ale fix almost all that ails a person.
look at what you've done...
if you take a moment and review today's news i think that you will see... you... the reader and the people that have spoken out for tibet and for justice and for righteousness.... you will see the reward for signing petitions and being resolute in the face of tyranny. i'll just say that today i am proud of what has been accomplished and i am hopeful that there is awareness... that there is openness to building a better world. i am grateful to see the House of Representatives speaking out against the chinese government. i am happy that people are finally beginning to see that the chinese government has not only oppressed it's own people, continued a regime of terror and genocide in tibet but ALSO supported the sudanese government in darfur... not to mention their disgraceful and disgusting human rights violations... (in case you were wondering it rivals the former government in iraq).
here are some clips of news from today:
"In Washington, meanwhile, the House of Representatives overwhelmingly passed a resolution criticising China's "disproportionate and extreme" response to protests in Tibet.
here are some clips of news from today:
"In Washington, meanwhile, the House of Representatives overwhelmingly passed a resolution criticising China's "disproportionate and extreme" response to protests in Tibet.
By 413 votes to one, the House called on China to release Tibetans imprisoned after peacefully demonstrating, and allow international monitors and journalists unfettered access to Tibetan areas of China." - BBC World News
or watch it here - a good overview of last night and today...
08 April 2008
Olympic Torch Protest in San Francisco
although i have other things on my mind tonight they will have to wait... there are more important things than my own personal complaints about the life i have created for myself.
tonight the most important thing is that we are on the eve of the Olympic Torch protest in San Francisco.
you can view the BBC's footage of the protest in London here: Olympic Torch Protest in London
i ask humbly and simply that you really really think about the actions of the Chinese Government and their history of human rights violations. i remember very clearly the tiananmen square protests of 1989. we lived in hong kong then and it was a moment that i will never forget. some people know exactly where they were when jfk was killed or when elvis died. i'll never forget that footage and the knowledge that a government can oppress and erase whatever it is they see before them that they don't agree with. i suppose some people think that i'm just off on a tangent here... going on about what is pc or what is currently popular.... and i have ceased to try to be understood in this world. i have accepted that all i can do is use my words, heart and mind for good and let everyone else sort themselves out. keep my side of the street clean as my friend zach says.... sometimes thats the best a girl on the punk rock retirement plan can manage.
i wish i could more clearly express that i believe everything comes down to love. it's the basis of the universe. it is the basis of science, religion and of basic human instinct. love is the answer. it's in everything and causes everything. you can manifest whatever destiny you want... i'm choosing to manifest one based in love that asks for peace and harmony in the world, in the hearts of man and in our understanding. i am asking for these things simply because there is no other logical conclusion to come to.
tonight or tomorrow as you hold the things dear to you close remember that autonomy, democracy, freedom and free will come at price. you have the responsibility to use it for the good of the whole and to bring the universe to right. you have one job and it's to love - yourself, others and most importantly the global community and the planet. make a difference. change the world. do one small thing. use the voice you have been given. i promise that if you do it in love the harmony, peace and love will come back to you tenfold.
i leave you tonight with a simple prayer for peace for the world, health and comfort for His Holiness the Dalai Lama and for a peaceful protest tomorrow in San Francisco that reverberates through the american nation so loudly that we are moved to action on the global front.
May all beings everywhere plagued
with sufferings of body and mind
quickly be freed from their illnesses.
May those frightened cease to be afraid,
and may those bound be free.
May the powerless find power,
and may people think of befriending
one another.
May those who find themselves in trackless,
fearful wilderness--
the children, the aged, the unprotected--
be guarded by beneficent celestials,
and may they swiftly attain Buddhahood.
The Buddha
tonight the most important thing is that we are on the eve of the Olympic Torch protest in San Francisco.
you can view the BBC's footage of the protest in London here: Olympic Torch Protest in London
i ask humbly and simply that you really really think about the actions of the Chinese Government and their history of human rights violations. i remember very clearly the tiananmen square protests of 1989. we lived in hong kong then and it was a moment that i will never forget. some people know exactly where they were when jfk was killed or when elvis died. i'll never forget that footage and the knowledge that a government can oppress and erase whatever it is they see before them that they don't agree with. i suppose some people think that i'm just off on a tangent here... going on about what is pc or what is currently popular.... and i have ceased to try to be understood in this world. i have accepted that all i can do is use my words, heart and mind for good and let everyone else sort themselves out. keep my side of the street clean as my friend zach says.... sometimes thats the best a girl on the punk rock retirement plan can manage.
i wish i could more clearly express that i believe everything comes down to love. it's the basis of the universe. it is the basis of science, religion and of basic human instinct. love is the answer. it's in everything and causes everything. you can manifest whatever destiny you want... i'm choosing to manifest one based in love that asks for peace and harmony in the world, in the hearts of man and in our understanding. i am asking for these things simply because there is no other logical conclusion to come to.
tonight or tomorrow as you hold the things dear to you close remember that autonomy, democracy, freedom and free will come at price. you have the responsibility to use it for the good of the whole and to bring the universe to right. you have one job and it's to love - yourself, others and most importantly the global community and the planet. make a difference. change the world. do one small thing. use the voice you have been given. i promise that if you do it in love the harmony, peace and love will come back to you tenfold.
i leave you tonight with a simple prayer for peace for the world, health and comfort for His Holiness the Dalai Lama and for a peaceful protest tomorrow in San Francisco that reverberates through the american nation so loudly that we are moved to action on the global front.
May all beings everywhere plagued
with sufferings of body and mind
quickly be freed from their illnesses.
May those frightened cease to be afraid,
and may those bound be free.
May the powerless find power,
and may people think of befriending
one another.
May those who find themselves in trackless,
fearful wilderness--
the children, the aged, the unprotected--
be guarded by beneficent celestials,
and may they swiftly attain Buddhahood.
The Buddha
27 March 2008
chicken noodle soup for the crotch...
remember that time we were driving down the street and you said your cousin's crotch smelled like chicken noodle soup and i shot mountain dew slurpee out of my nose? remember when this kind of punk rock was the new indy rock and i had cds burned from your collection? remember when we were friends and we respected each other and i couldn't imagine ever not loving you? remember when my life got shitty... the bottom dropped out and i felt safe with you and trusted you? remember how i was always your biggest fan - always saying how fucking cool you were, how great your bands were and how awesome your latest girlfriend was? remember how things used to be?
remember how we had a baby and all that good shit stopped? yeah. me too. and sometimes like today it still takes me by surprise. i'm still shocked and hurt and fucking angry that we can't just seem to get along because i believe with all my heart that we're still those 25 year old kids that really do like and respect each other. i mean we have three common goals - your happiness, my happiness and em's happiness. how hard can shit be? how fucking hard? really? cuz in my heart of hearts i believe it should just be easy.
i mean maybe i'm fucking out of it. maybe i don't know shit anymore because i have a real job and commitment issues and i found a grey hair the other day. maybe all the cool funny shit i was ever going to say or do has already been done. perhaps i was never really that cool or funny to begin with. maybe i'm just fucking stupid and i'm missing something - the something that says we should scream at each other like we did today and i should hate you and wish that we had never moved here. maybe i don't get it and this is what is supposed to be going on but i'll be honest man.... i don't think i'm out of it. i think i know some pretty important shit and i'm still cool and funny and now i'm more wise and more compassionate and i have worked so hard to be a good person and a good mom and a balanced human being. and i think you're funny and kind and a great dad and i think somewhere inside you.. you're still the guy that i cared about and respected and admired and even loved.
yeah, i don't think i'm wrong and if we're being honest and i'm past the throwing shit red faced angry phase i can admit that i don't think you're wrong either. i just think we stopped recognizing that we have those common goals. i think it can be easier. i think it will get better. i think that 12 weeks is a fucking blink in our relationship and a short minute in the big picture. i think that eventually we'll figure it all out... but i hope for all of our sakes that it's before we get beyond the point where we can have a civil conversation.
because since i'm being honest i'll admit that i thought we were going to be friends when i moved back. i thought that we'd like bbq at each other's houses and laugh about shit and i would love the new girls in your life and we'd find that although it's been a hard road we're pretty fucking lucky - shit could be worse. yeah, i really dreamt that piece of shit up and believed it. hook line and sinker. yeah, i realize it's childish and simplistic and fucking lame. i realize that i was fooling myself. i mean fuck... shit can't be worse than it got today and i don't want to be friends anymore.
how did we get here? cuz it seems that just yesterday we were in mesa taking pictures of all the signs with our holgas, going to shows, talking on the phone, eating out together almost every night and laughing about everything. it seems like just yesterday that we were driving down the street and you said your cousin's crotch smelled like chicken noodle soup and i shot mountain dew slurpee out of my nose.
26 March 2008
the light of the moon leads the way towards the mornin'
if you haven't listened to this song at least 50 times in a row in your life recently then fucking start right now. no really. start right now. oh and listen to the other ones too... yeah i know they may have appeared in other blogs... maybe everyone didn't listen hard enough and get the underlying meaning.
yeah, i know i haven't been around. uh huh. i totally know. and i'd love to have some excuse to give but i don't and you're not the boss of me anyway. i seem to do that sometimes... sometimes life itself becomes too hectic and i have to take a break from myself and therefore a break from you.
i'm going to come back with some heavy shit. i'm giving it a 100% tonight... because well there is no point in giving shit 15% and there is no fucking such thing as a 150%. seriously people. i shouldn't have to explain this shit to you - and while you're wrapping your heads around that then rid your vocabularies of irregardless (it pisses me off to even type it), eXpecially or egspecially (it's especially - really... i promise it is... don't be stupid or annoying just say it right have some self respect), also read a paper and have an opinion and have a life - get yourself out there. yes you. you reading the latest piece of shit blog by the girl that you think you know really well... pick up the wall street journal or the new york times instead... better yet read the herald tribune or an international paper of repute where the columnists and journalists actually know what objectivity is and have their heads out of their asses. it will change your life. it will give you new perspective. and really what is the world without change and perspective?
i've built a whole life on those things - tearing down the past and everything i thought i knew and building it all again from scratch. i'm not afraid to fail. i'm not afraid to be wrong. i'm not afraid to appear foolish or even ridiculous. i'm afraid of a lot of things but those things are not among them. i have tried this year to start at the beginning again - to equal and steady the foundation in hopes that once i had a firm place to start i could build something that didn't resemble the leaning tower of pisa. i'm still in the process of that.
i have so much more to say but unfortunately it will have to come in bits and pieces.... i don't want to spoil the surprise ending for everyone quite yet... we're all still in suspense as to how it will all work out... in the meantime see the blog below this one and for god's sake fucking do something about it. seriously get off your asses and change the world please.... i'm sick to death of people that can't seem to understand their own importance in the scheme of things - the big scheme of things - the universal scheme of things. yes you. you are important and you can make a difference.... one person... one voice... maybe that voice will finally be the one that brings the background noise to an audible level. if you don't believe in change and in revolution and in things being better for the sake of it then you have no hope... and that my friend is something i simply cannot respect.
with all that being said... thank you for being patient while i was off changing my world internally and trying to have a different outcome. thank you for being a loyal and understanding reader to what sometimes seems to be a blog not worth the click through. i promise i'll be back tomorrow to reveal more insight.
with my whole heart
i understand it's hard to see the forest for the trees sometimes... we're all guilty of that. i know that sometimes it's hard to understand the big picture of the world and the universe and all the opinions and voices and politics. i know that it seems difficult to start today and inform yourself when there is a long history of he said / she said between countries and leaders and religions.
i encourage you to find out about the atrocities that are being committed by the chinese government. i encourage you to understand that the plight for freedom in burma (or myanmar), in tibet and all over the world today. i encourage you to open your heart and understand that the suffering of few that you may not know or see affects how we view each other and treat each other.
i feel it necessary to express to you that i believe that the crimes against people by the chinese governement are serious enough that i literally have lost sleep over it in the past week. i wish that there was more i could do than sign petitions, be informed and use this small forum to express clearly where my heart lies. i wish there was more that i could do than boycott the 2008 olympics, the olympic sponsors and all souvenirs of the olympics. i wish that i had won the lottery a few weeks ago so i could spend those millions on changing this situation.... on changing the world but alas i am one person with my eye on the forest and the injustices and the climate of oppression that is filling the world.
with every particle of my being i want to impart this small piece of wisdom that i firmly believe: you must stand against injustice no matter how big or small. you must stand against oppression and against inhumanity. please if you do nothing else with your freedom and your tax rebate check please take the time to learn a little bit and make up your own mind - have any opinion you choose but please have an opinion.
in closing i give you this clip of His Holiness the Dalai Lama asking for a miracle. i ask that you in your prayers or thanks or thoughts or whatever it is that you believe in give a moment and ask the universe to bring peace to the people of Tibet in the coming weeks, to bring peace and well being to the Dalai Lama himself and to bring solace and comfort to those in need.
i encourage you to find out about the atrocities that are being committed by the chinese government. i encourage you to understand that the plight for freedom in burma (or myanmar), in tibet and all over the world today. i encourage you to open your heart and understand that the suffering of few that you may not know or see affects how we view each other and treat each other.
i feel it necessary to express to you that i believe that the crimes against people by the chinese governement are serious enough that i literally have lost sleep over it in the past week. i wish that there was more i could do than sign petitions, be informed and use this small forum to express clearly where my heart lies. i wish there was more that i could do than boycott the 2008 olympics, the olympic sponsors and all souvenirs of the olympics. i wish that i had won the lottery a few weeks ago so i could spend those millions on changing this situation.... on changing the world but alas i am one person with my eye on the forest and the injustices and the climate of oppression that is filling the world.
with every particle of my being i want to impart this small piece of wisdom that i firmly believe: you must stand against injustice no matter how big or small. you must stand against oppression and against inhumanity. please if you do nothing else with your freedom and your tax rebate check please take the time to learn a little bit and make up your own mind - have any opinion you choose but please have an opinion.
in closing i give you this clip of His Holiness the Dalai Lama asking for a miracle. i ask that you in your prayers or thanks or thoughts or whatever it is that you believe in give a moment and ask the universe to bring peace to the people of Tibet in the coming weeks, to bring peace and well being to the Dalai Lama himself and to bring solace and comfort to those in need.
10 February 2008
i'm goin' back to the start... a fairytale with a happy ending
tonight i'm going to do something i hardly ever do... i'm going to stop jumping to the conclusion and summary part of things. instead of writing about the lesson or the jewels of wisdom i'm going to go back in time and write about the actual past... i'm such a compartmentalizer that i forget that everyone doesn't have my brain and know all the old information.
first we're going to listen to this song and i mean listen to it and love it and then listen to it all over again. when i heard it tonight my stomach dropped and i fell in love with it immediately.
additionally you should go here: Cover Lay Down and read this music blog that i follow and hear some of the cover songs posted there.... you know how i feel about music and that the soundtrack we give ourselves really changes us and makes us what we are. i wish that people had external speakers that could play whatever we are thinking about... like the montage in movies where someone is walking or running and the song plays over the top... that is how i envision my life sometimes... the memories are there and i view them from a respectful distance (so not to get muddy, hurt or involved all over again) and i hear the music crest over the distasteful parts... music can always bring me right back there. a song can literally bring it all back.... right to the surface.
so once upon a time... (because that's how stories start around here)... there was this girl who lived all over the world. she traveled through most of southeast asia and moved almost every year. each time she started over again and made new friends (sort of). she never really got involved... it was just too messy and complicated and painful and things were sort of um... chaotic at home. (is that the nice way we say that?) so then when she is 15 she moves to this tiny town in arizona... which really isn't that tiny... and she has to begin to make friends with people - real friends that really know her. the problem is that there are so many versions of her, so many different places, so many imagined or real things that got fucked up along the way and somewhat important is the home life. the life we don't talk about even today. the parts we glaze over and we forget and we deny and we avoid.
so she set about making those friends and doing those things and creating that illusion of normalcy. i'll be honest here because i'm the narrator of this little fairy tale and sometimes the narrator gives that creepy voice over thing that gives the audience that glimpse into the future and real insight into what is "really" going on.... the truth is that it was an illusion period. full stop. end of sentence. the honest truth is that everything was so fucked up that it was a horrible front... it was the best she could do at 15 with the tools she had been given. so those years now seem so distant - literally and metaphorically. those years seem to not belong to her because the internal conversation went on a loop something like this:
everything is fine. smile and nod. it's fine. does anyone realize i'm on the fucking edge here? does anyone see what i see? do they know how fucked up everything in my life is? am i as fucking transparent as i feel? it's fine. everything is fine. smile and nod.
and that horrible front built on 15 year old knowledge and worn out coping tools looked something like confidence, anger, rebellion, alcoholism, hatred, violence, indifference, apathy and mostly it looked like a person that a fucking mess. and so the girl spent most of her time looking like it was all fine and doing shit that girls that are a fucking mess do... she dated boys that treated her as badly as she felt. she distanced herself from really knowing anyone. from really letting anyone in.
so about 3 years later when her grandfather died after the most recent relationship exploded into bits of fucked up ugly pieces that bad relationships explode into she looked around and realized that there wasn't anyone. they had no idea how she drove all night from that shitty little town just so that she could sit in his office and wear his old shirt and how four irish whiskey and waters into that night she realized that she was alone in the world. they didn't know that he had been such a big part of her that when he was buried she almost slept at the cemetery that night so he wouldn't be alone. when she drove home from that trip still reeling from the shock and pain that she packed her things and left that little town. she ran. she ran. in the next four years she moved frequently. to phoenix, los angeles, new york city, on tour and back to phoenix.
along the way she made more messes. she got herself into more messes. if we're all being honest here... she almost didn't make it... on more than one occasion. there was that night in california that we never speak of.... that black horrible indelible night. the three days after that where she didn't speak or really even acknowledge the world in general. the day of police questioning that revictimized a 24 year old girl that in all fairness didn't have the best coping skills. and the eight months that followed that she didn't eat, didn't sleep, had anxiety attacks, drank like she did when she was 17, took pills like they were candy and sometimes took too many just to feel like she could escape for a time into blackout sleep.
then came the most unlikely saviours. she got pregnant by accident (turns out pills are only 97% effective) most people would believe that this girl had no business raising another child. in fact people said it out loud... to her face... and still she knew somewhere inside her that this was the only thing big enough to get her to focus forwards instead of backwards. and so she became a mom. she had an amazing baby that changed her life and saved her from the self destruction she had been hell bent on. she went to a therapist. she stopped having the internal conversation that said she was beyond saving. she started telling herself that everything was going to work itself out. she started believing it. she found herself surrounded by friends that knew and understood her. she sought out people that would forgive who she had been and wait patiently by for her to become the person she could be. she grew up. she found love and hope and patience and confidence and happiness and it turns out that she had all the business in the world raising a child. in fact it's the first thing she didn't fail at. it's the first thing she didn't run from. it's the first thing she did with the focus forward on the light at the end of the tunnel.
i tell that story as the opening to this little blog entry:
this weekend i saw people from my past. from the darkness where now there is only light in my life. i learned that frustration and anger and disappointment from being a teenager has faded so much over time that it is simply a very distant montage of me growing and learning and changing doing the best i could do at the time. when the weekend was over i didn't want it to end. i felt like i had come home. full circle. and it was strange and wonderful. i am so grateful for that time. for that glimpse. for the perspective from here, the safe distance that i have achieved and the calm inside of me that comes from reflection, understanding and love. which comes the line in the song above... yes you are still supposed to be listening... "Nobody said it was easy, No one ever said it would be so hard, I’m goin’ back to the start"
there is another part of all of this. another ugly part that is difficult to talk about in this open forum without worrying about how my words will be interpreted. i will say it this simply. although i wish i had the chance to communicate better, handle things differently and alter the outcome slightly i have no regrets. i am not going to start second guessing the path right now. i'm simply going to enjoy the scenery and know what i know today each day until it's time to cross a bridge.
how could i not go to bed grateful tonight? how could i not be happy? yes john... i'm writing my own happiness check... i'm the only one responsible for that.
first we're going to listen to this song and i mean listen to it and love it and then listen to it all over again. when i heard it tonight my stomach dropped and i fell in love with it immediately.
additionally you should go here: Cover Lay Down and read this music blog that i follow and hear some of the cover songs posted there.... you know how i feel about music and that the soundtrack we give ourselves really changes us and makes us what we are. i wish that people had external speakers that could play whatever we are thinking about... like the montage in movies where someone is walking or running and the song plays over the top... that is how i envision my life sometimes... the memories are there and i view them from a respectful distance (so not to get muddy, hurt or involved all over again) and i hear the music crest over the distasteful parts... music can always bring me right back there. a song can literally bring it all back.... right to the surface.
so once upon a time... (because that's how stories start around here)... there was this girl who lived all over the world. she traveled through most of southeast asia and moved almost every year. each time she started over again and made new friends (sort of). she never really got involved... it was just too messy and complicated and painful and things were sort of um... chaotic at home. (is that the nice way we say that?) so then when she is 15 she moves to this tiny town in arizona... which really isn't that tiny... and she has to begin to make friends with people - real friends that really know her. the problem is that there are so many versions of her, so many different places, so many imagined or real things that got fucked up along the way and somewhat important is the home life. the life we don't talk about even today. the parts we glaze over and we forget and we deny and we avoid.
so she set about making those friends and doing those things and creating that illusion of normalcy. i'll be honest here because i'm the narrator of this little fairy tale and sometimes the narrator gives that creepy voice over thing that gives the audience that glimpse into the future and real insight into what is "really" going on.... the truth is that it was an illusion period. full stop. end of sentence. the honest truth is that everything was so fucked up that it was a horrible front... it was the best she could do at 15 with the tools she had been given. so those years now seem so distant - literally and metaphorically. those years seem to not belong to her because the internal conversation went on a loop something like this:
everything is fine. smile and nod. it's fine. does anyone realize i'm on the fucking edge here? does anyone see what i see? do they know how fucked up everything in my life is? am i as fucking transparent as i feel? it's fine. everything is fine. smile and nod.
and that horrible front built on 15 year old knowledge and worn out coping tools looked something like confidence, anger, rebellion, alcoholism, hatred, violence, indifference, apathy and mostly it looked like a person that a fucking mess. and so the girl spent most of her time looking like it was all fine and doing shit that girls that are a fucking mess do... she dated boys that treated her as badly as she felt. she distanced herself from really knowing anyone. from really letting anyone in.
so about 3 years later when her grandfather died after the most recent relationship exploded into bits of fucked up ugly pieces that bad relationships explode into she looked around and realized that there wasn't anyone. they had no idea how she drove all night from that shitty little town just so that she could sit in his office and wear his old shirt and how four irish whiskey and waters into that night she realized that she was alone in the world. they didn't know that he had been such a big part of her that when he was buried she almost slept at the cemetery that night so he wouldn't be alone. when she drove home from that trip still reeling from the shock and pain that she packed her things and left that little town. she ran. she ran. in the next four years she moved frequently. to phoenix, los angeles, new york city, on tour and back to phoenix.
along the way she made more messes. she got herself into more messes. if we're all being honest here... she almost didn't make it... on more than one occasion. there was that night in california that we never speak of.... that black horrible indelible night. the three days after that where she didn't speak or really even acknowledge the world in general. the day of police questioning that revictimized a 24 year old girl that in all fairness didn't have the best coping skills. and the eight months that followed that she didn't eat, didn't sleep, had anxiety attacks, drank like she did when she was 17, took pills like they were candy and sometimes took too many just to feel like she could escape for a time into blackout sleep.
then came the most unlikely saviours. she got pregnant by accident (turns out pills are only 97% effective) most people would believe that this girl had no business raising another child. in fact people said it out loud... to her face... and still she knew somewhere inside her that this was the only thing big enough to get her to focus forwards instead of backwards. and so she became a mom. she had an amazing baby that changed her life and saved her from the self destruction she had been hell bent on. she went to a therapist. she stopped having the internal conversation that said she was beyond saving. she started telling herself that everything was going to work itself out. she started believing it. she found herself surrounded by friends that knew and understood her. she sought out people that would forgive who she had been and wait patiently by for her to become the person she could be. she grew up. she found love and hope and patience and confidence and happiness and it turns out that she had all the business in the world raising a child. in fact it's the first thing she didn't fail at. it's the first thing she didn't run from. it's the first thing she did with the focus forward on the light at the end of the tunnel.
i tell that story as the opening to this little blog entry:
this weekend i saw people from my past. from the darkness where now there is only light in my life. i learned that frustration and anger and disappointment from being a teenager has faded so much over time that it is simply a very distant montage of me growing and learning and changing doing the best i could do at the time. when the weekend was over i didn't want it to end. i felt like i had come home. full circle. and it was strange and wonderful. i am so grateful for that time. for that glimpse. for the perspective from here, the safe distance that i have achieved and the calm inside of me that comes from reflection, understanding and love. which comes the line in the song above... yes you are still supposed to be listening... "Nobody said it was easy, No one ever said it would be so hard, I’m goin’ back to the start"
there is another part of all of this. another ugly part that is difficult to talk about in this open forum without worrying about how my words will be interpreted. i will say it this simply. although i wish i had the chance to communicate better, handle things differently and alter the outcome slightly i have no regrets. i am not going to start second guessing the path right now. i'm simply going to enjoy the scenery and know what i know today each day until it's time to cross a bridge.
how could i not go to bed grateful tonight? how could i not be happy? yes john... i'm writing my own happiness check... i'm the only one responsible for that.
19 January 2008
a postcard from my own personal everest.
sometimes when we grow and we learn knew things we have to let old things go... old ways of thinking, of living, of dealing and of being ourselves. sometimes it seems like such a big mountain to climb or such a high bar... the expectations of others and of our own growth seems to loom in the distance like a mountain you need a sherpa to get up. there are times where i'm a few hours into the hike and i'm simply too tired to go any further, there are times where i'm too spent to do anything but hang out at base camp and wait for the weather to clear. there are times where i think of firing the whole team i've brought to this point with me, there are times where i panic i'll wake up and the team will have left me. the thing is about climbing mountains - real or metaphoric mountains is that you have to be at the top of your game. there is no room for error or for silly mistakes. you have gear, you can always get more gear, you have a map, you can always get a better map, you have will power and you can always steel those reserves of will when you become afraid to continue.
i find that at the point i'm at in my personal climb is a difficult one. i'm pretty far from the top and i'm really fucking far from the bottom. i've lost people along the way and i've let some turn back. i've had to assess if this is really the mountain i want to climb and if i'm really sure that all the decisions i've made up to this point are sound ones. i find that if i make a mistake at this point the consequences are dire and i am the one responsible for those injuries and deaths (mostly metaphoric deaths... some very literal injuries). some days i really don't know up from down or north from south and i don't have the confidence to just make a decision and deal with the outcome.
overall it's a work in progress. my hope is that in my lifetime i'll get to the top and be able to look down at everything the world has to show me and all the base camps along the way (i've left baggage at each one as a marker). my hope is that my mistakes and miscalculations became so few that it's more great days than bad ones and that i am able to earn the respect and love of the people i've chosen to take the journey with.
in the meantime i'm bunkered down at the latest base camp reevaluating and taking deep breaths from an oxygen tank. luckily i have emerson with me to sustain this rest.
"There will be an agreement in whatever variety of actions, so they be each honest and natural in their hour. For of one will, the actions will be harmonious, however unlike they seem. These varieties are lost sight of at a little distance, at a little height of thought. One tendency unites them all. The voyage of the best ship is a zigzag line of a hundred tacks. See the line from a sufficient distance, and it straightens itself to the average tendency. Your genuine action will explain itself and will explain your other genuine actions. Your conformity explains nothing. Act singly, and what you have already done singly will justify you now. Greatness appeals to the future. If I can be firm enough to-day to do right and scorn eyes, I must have done so much right before as to defend me now. Be it how it will, do right now. Always scorn appearances and you always may. The force of character is cumulative. All the foregone days of virtue work their health into this" - Emerson. Self-Reliance.
11 January 2008
the end of the hiatus
there was a hiatus. i'd like to pretend that i took a month off to sort out my life and make a new years resolution that changed my life, that i had a total paradigm shift that has absolutely changed my life but in all honesty there was an intervention on the 12th of december about the matchbox 20 thing. loving that song got me thrown into rehab.... while you're puzzling all that out here is the first playlist of the new year for your listening joy.
the truth of the matter is that i moved. i left 'sconsin and made the trek to fahonix. i did what i thought i couldn't do. i braved a snow storm, my feelings of sadness about leaving my parents and worry about taking the next step and i leaped. i took the plunge. and since then it's been good. it's been great. the hills and valleys have all been filled with positive lessons and good things. i have found that i am stronger and more dedicated to myself and my family than i thought i was. just today i sent the text below in an email to a friend and i think it gives a good overview of where i am...
A business in the simplest form creates a product the owners believe in and then they offer it for "sale" on the open market. Sometimes those owners have enough capital to offer investment in other people – employees, partners, tenants and even sometimes enough to cover a few cases of people that can't afford the product at market value (donations or "charity"). The bottom line is that the product must be as efficient and well made as possible to keep the cash flow coming in from the investments. When the product is faulty, the business invests in unworthy people or other properties or offers too many donations the business has to close its doors or go bankrupt.
Over the past 10 years and probably longer than that I've been working my emotional business on a policy of a somewhat damaged and offended product. I haven't gone back to the drawing board and made another product, I've tried to cover up the dings and dents and faults of the product with exterior paint and "patches" like a computer company. My call center often acknowledges that the product has known faults and that for some people will never offer the functionality that they are looking for… it just doesn't work for some people. I've consoled myself and other people by justifying the upside of the product and encouraging people to continue to have faith that eventually the patches and quick fixes will all be completed and the product will be what I've been selling it as all these years.
Before the New Year I had a paradigm shift. What if I abandoned the old product? What if without blame, guilt or anger and WITH love, respect and self esteem I simply created the product I wanted and lived the life I wanted to live? Of course there is the old fear that no one would buy something new but I believed in myself. Once I realized that I know what I want for myself and had that confidence the fear dissolved. It simply ceased to exist…. and I found that it's the first time in a long long time I've been able to live without fear. Now I'm not talking about fantasy here. I'm talking about making a very honest list of what I WANT in my life. How I want it to be and the qualities that I want to have and to have around me and then I decided to have it. I'm worth it after all… it turns out after all this time I've finally decided that I'm worth it.
The next issue was that over the years I've gotten myself into some emotional over-extension and debt. I've made poor investment choices in partners, employees and tenants. I've allowed a lot of people to dip into the emotional bank and take loans against their name or their word and never asked for those emotional stores to be returned. Perhaps because I was always afraid the original product was somewhat defective and perhaps because I didn't really believe I was worth the return. I'm not talking about a list of what people have taken and I have received against their name – John Doe – 1 hour of friendship and caring… returned 15 minute phone call and 1 lunch out in which he listened to my feelings about x, y and z. I'm talking about allowing people to simply not respect, honour and care for me. I'm also not saying I was the victim of embezzlement. I chose those people, those transactions and those events. I made the choices and felt "empty" so to speak. I was always looking for the other store of emotional wealth – God, another person, a way of thinking, a way of living that would allow the deficit to be filled up without changing the product or having the discussion about how I was allowing myself to be treated.
So now we have a new product. It's in the newer stages. I'm proud of the initial results and feel comfortable and confident about the next stages. I have a board of members that I feel very proud and blessed to have in my life. They are a resource of knowledge and love that allows me to be innovative and brave without worrying that I'll become caught up in the marketing hype or deny my own culpability. They keep me honest with myself so to speak.
The last thing which has become the hardest is learning what boundary that I have to set with others. I've finally settled on the following definition: a person that earns respect, honour and love from these emotional stores is a person that is living in respect, honour and love. I decided that metaphorically there are a lot of letters of foreclosure that need to go out. I'm saying this in a way of love and forgiveness – I'm no longer going to be enslaved or indebted to people based on the past. I've created something new and I'm asking the people and parties involved to get on board in a real and true way. It's no longer okay for me to allow people that only talk about living in truth or in honour to receive large loans out of my personal stores. When people aren't living in love and living without reverence and submission to a higher authority or they are living without integrity in many ways they simply aren't living in alignment with the new product and the new vision. My company has in fact decided to go in this new direction… I've downsized I suppose I could say and the immediate benefit of that is that I've felt strongly I have more time to dedicate to Emma, myself and the investments that matter.
i realize it's not a message that everyone will jump on board with. i realize that it's difficult for some people to read from me. unfortunately it is the way things are and it's how i've chosen to run my "business" so to speak from here on out. as micheal jackson so eloquently put it: "i'm starting with the man in the mirror, i'm asking him to change his ways, and no message could have been any clearer, if you want to make the world a better place take a look at yourself and then make a change"
(yeah i know micheal jackson is so 1987. i don't care.... i'm bringing the king of pop back)
the last thing i have to say in this new year post is that there are some people in my life and maybe even some people who read this who may be on the list of things that i'm not doing from this point forward. i'm going to say in a non-judgmental way with total love in my heart: there is no room for you in my life unless you are living in respect, honour and love. i'm not selling myself short for another day. i realize how things were in the past. i take responsibility for the past and now i'm taking responsibility for the future. if you choose not to look at yourself in the mirror and make the changes that is not my choice. i love you and wish you the best with your life...
on that note... happy new year to everyone. the 30 day hiatus will be the only one this year. sorry about the missing in action status for awhile.
the truth of the matter is that i moved. i left 'sconsin and made the trek to fahonix. i did what i thought i couldn't do. i braved a snow storm, my feelings of sadness about leaving my parents and worry about taking the next step and i leaped. i took the plunge. and since then it's been good. it's been great. the hills and valleys have all been filled with positive lessons and good things. i have found that i am stronger and more dedicated to myself and my family than i thought i was. just today i sent the text below in an email to a friend and i think it gives a good overview of where i am...
A business in the simplest form creates a product the owners believe in and then they offer it for "sale" on the open market. Sometimes those owners have enough capital to offer investment in other people – employees, partners, tenants and even sometimes enough to cover a few cases of people that can't afford the product at market value (donations or "charity"). The bottom line is that the product must be as efficient and well made as possible to keep the cash flow coming in from the investments. When the product is faulty, the business invests in unworthy people or other properties or offers too many donations the business has to close its doors or go bankrupt.
Over the past 10 years and probably longer than that I've been working my emotional business on a policy of a somewhat damaged and offended product. I haven't gone back to the drawing board and made another product, I've tried to cover up the dings and dents and faults of the product with exterior paint and "patches" like a computer company. My call center often acknowledges that the product has known faults and that for some people will never offer the functionality that they are looking for… it just doesn't work for some people. I've consoled myself and other people by justifying the upside of the product and encouraging people to continue to have faith that eventually the patches and quick fixes will all be completed and the product will be what I've been selling it as all these years.
Before the New Year I had a paradigm shift. What if I abandoned the old product? What if without blame, guilt or anger and WITH love, respect and self esteem I simply created the product I wanted and lived the life I wanted to live? Of course there is the old fear that no one would buy something new but I believed in myself. Once I realized that I know what I want for myself and had that confidence the fear dissolved. It simply ceased to exist…. and I found that it's the first time in a long long time I've been able to live without fear. Now I'm not talking about fantasy here. I'm talking about making a very honest list of what I WANT in my life. How I want it to be and the qualities that I want to have and to have around me and then I decided to have it. I'm worth it after all… it turns out after all this time I've finally decided that I'm worth it.
The next issue was that over the years I've gotten myself into some emotional over-extension and debt. I've made poor investment choices in partners, employees and tenants. I've allowed a lot of people to dip into the emotional bank and take loans against their name or their word and never asked for those emotional stores to be returned. Perhaps because I was always afraid the original product was somewhat defective and perhaps because I didn't really believe I was worth the return. I'm not talking about a list of what people have taken and I have received against their name – John Doe – 1 hour of friendship and caring… returned 15 minute phone call and 1 lunch out in which he listened to my feelings about x, y and z. I'm talking about allowing people to simply not respect, honour and care for me. I'm also not saying I was the victim of embezzlement. I chose those people, those transactions and those events. I made the choices and felt "empty" so to speak. I was always looking for the other store of emotional wealth – God, another person, a way of thinking, a way of living that would allow the deficit to be filled up without changing the product or having the discussion about how I was allowing myself to be treated.
So now we have a new product. It's in the newer stages. I'm proud of the initial results and feel comfortable and confident about the next stages. I have a board of members that I feel very proud and blessed to have in my life. They are a resource of knowledge and love that allows me to be innovative and brave without worrying that I'll become caught up in the marketing hype or deny my own culpability. They keep me honest with myself so to speak.
The last thing which has become the hardest is learning what boundary that I have to set with others. I've finally settled on the following definition: a person that earns respect, honour and love from these emotional stores is a person that is living in respect, honour and love. I decided that metaphorically there are a lot of letters of foreclosure that need to go out. I'm saying this in a way of love and forgiveness – I'm no longer going to be enslaved or indebted to people based on the past. I've created something new and I'm asking the people and parties involved to get on board in a real and true way. It's no longer okay for me to allow people that only talk about living in truth or in honour to receive large loans out of my personal stores. When people aren't living in love and living without reverence and submission to a higher authority or they are living without integrity in many ways they simply aren't living in alignment with the new product and the new vision. My company has in fact decided to go in this new direction… I've downsized I suppose I could say and the immediate benefit of that is that I've felt strongly I have more time to dedicate to Emma, myself and the investments that matter.
i realize it's not a message that everyone will jump on board with. i realize that it's difficult for some people to read from me. unfortunately it is the way things are and it's how i've chosen to run my "business" so to speak from here on out. as micheal jackson so eloquently put it: "i'm starting with the man in the mirror, i'm asking him to change his ways, and no message could have been any clearer, if you want to make the world a better place take a look at yourself and then make a change"
(yeah i know micheal jackson is so 1987. i don't care.... i'm bringing the king of pop back)
the last thing i have to say in this new year post is that there are some people in my life and maybe even some people who read this who may be on the list of things that i'm not doing from this point forward. i'm going to say in a non-judgmental way with total love in my heart: there is no room for you in my life unless you are living in respect, honour and love. i'm not selling myself short for another day. i realize how things were in the past. i take responsibility for the past and now i'm taking responsibility for the future. if you choose not to look at yourself in the mirror and make the changes that is not my choice. i love you and wish you the best with your life...
on that note... happy new year to everyone. the 30 day hiatus will be the only one this year. sorry about the missing in action status for awhile.
30 November 2007
also
also to the random reader who may think that i am stupid enough to post shit here that i'm worried about other people reading....
a. i'm not stupid
b. i'm fairly certain that there is no one in the world that believes i'm perfect and will be shocked by this information
c. any bad choices i make i happen to make while not in possession of the small child i live with
d. i'm under no fucking delusions of grandeur that i'm immune to criticism
e. get a life...
f. it's the internet and perhaps things aren't as black and white as they may seem from my perspective... also... it turns out that i don't know everything
g. as craig says... it's stupid to get offended by 1s and 0s because that's all the internet is.... a fucking lot of 1s and 0s
also... we shouldn't have to have these conversations about what i wrote on my blog since it falls clearly under the limits of the trifecta which i don't do (the trifecta is back in effecta)
in case we need a refresher... the trifecta: work, crazy, stupid.... i just don't "do" them so go sell crazy somewhere else we're all full up here.
a. i'm not stupid
b. i'm fairly certain that there is no one in the world that believes i'm perfect and will be shocked by this information
c. any bad choices i make i happen to make while not in possession of the small child i live with
d. i'm under no fucking delusions of grandeur that i'm immune to criticism
e. get a life...
f. it's the internet and perhaps things aren't as black and white as they may seem from my perspective... also... it turns out that i don't know everything
g. as craig says... it's stupid to get offended by 1s and 0s because that's all the internet is.... a fucking lot of 1s and 0s
also... we shouldn't have to have these conversations about what i wrote on my blog since it falls clearly under the limits of the trifecta which i don't do (the trifecta is back in effecta)
in case we need a refresher... the trifecta: work, crazy, stupid.... i just don't "do" them so go sell crazy somewhere else we're all full up here.
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