do you realize?

thanksgiving was wonderful. it was a wonderful experience... full of good laughs and a new found gratitude and love for my family. we are normal - despite the things that make us abnormal. my siblings, my daughter and my parents are people i respect and love.

something happened though over the few days that has given me an idea to think about. oh, how i love a new idea to take apart and think about over and over and over again. it's something that happened in our house and it has to do with forgiveness and letting go of the past.

it seems that there are things that happen in life. there are good things and bad things and in between things. the in between things seem to get swept away with the sands of time - mediocre dinners, movies, experiences, conversations. those are neutral and ultimately they neither reinforce or destroy ties. there are the good things. the good things are memories and they bring a feeling of warmth and love. these are the things that are what make life pleasant, loving and fun. but it's the bad things and how you deal with them in the grand scale of time that create an attitude of either love or frustration and resentment which lead to anger.

here is my opinion - about those bad things. it's just my opinion and perhaps i don't know shit about shit... i'm open to being wrong (and if i am please speak UP so i can look at this new idea in a different light).

bad shit happens. people do bad shit, act like shits, say shitty things and sometimes even shit on you. in time usually those people apologize, grow, change and behave in new ways. (if they don't do any of those things or they are oblivious to the changes that need to be made that's a different rant) when you recieve time, growth and an apology you have two choices: forgive or hold on. holding on leads to death of relationships, forgiving offers a chance for your heart to hold new ideas and new good things. in my opinion, there is only so much room in your heart - like your closet - you can either store good things or negative things. dredging up the past and choosing to be resentful over it only limits YOU. it only serves to prevent YOU from being the person you want to be.

there is no time machine. there is no way to go back and change the past. there is only this moment and the future. why choose to let the past dictate your present or your future? why choose to let negative resentments and anger rule the potential happiness? why not allow people to apologize, accept their part, you accept your part and try to build a bridge to the present? it seems silly to me to hold on to the angry feelings that are chained in the past... ultimately you're the only one still standing there and you're missing out on the gift of the present.

here is to forgiving and moving forward...

if you choose to set those bags down i think you'll find your journey is easier. but you can have whatever journey you want. i'm definitely not the boss of you.

may your journey bring you to peace. it's a big world out there but i hope you'll find your way to your own brand of happiness.

i'm not ready to make nice....

dixie chicks... not ready to make nice


i realize that i have asked for forgiveness from people and i have been fortunate enough that i have always received it... for the most part and usually in a way that is constructive and helpful for continuing my life.

i've thought a lot over the past few days about what forgiveness means and what it should be about...

–verb (used with object)

1.	to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.

2.	to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.).

3.	to grant pardon to (a person).

4.	to cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one's enemies.

5.	to cancel an indebtedness or liability of: to forgive the interest owed on a loan.

–verb (used without object)

6.	to pardon an offense or an offender.

"in general, forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentments and thoughts of revenge. Forgiveness is the act of untying yourself from thoughts and feelings that bind you to the offense committed against you. This can reduce the power these feelings otherwise have over you, so that you can a live freer and happier life in the present. Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you. Forgiving isn't the same as forgetting what happened to you. The act that hurt or offended you may always remain a part of your life. But forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help you focus on other, positive parts of your life. Forgiveness also doesn't mean that you deny the other person's responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn't minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act."

and i believe that forgiveness itself is important and should be offered to anyone who is willing to say they are sorry and earnestly request it. i really believe that. no matter what the offense is or how it seems to be difficult. forgiving is part of being the person i want to be.

and so i offer you this... the specific you, not the royal you, who is asking for forgiveness and called me tonight to tell me about how you think about me and how you feel... i forgive you. not for you but for me. there is no ill-will from my side of the continental united states.

however i'm not ready to make nice. i'm not ready to talk about it or hear about how you are doing or what is going on with you. i'm just not. i wish i was and that i could just wave a magic wand and make this divide between us disappear.... but i can't. there isn't that kind of magic in the world and to be honest i'm not sure that is the best thing for me. i'm still trying to process and understand what has happened and why.

i'm still trying to get my head around how you thought this was my fault. i'm still trying to put it in perspective and be able to understand what all this means in the scope of the here and now. i haven't even begun to look at what it means in the future.

and god does it sting. it all sucks. i'm not happy about our current state either. this is the last thing i wanted but avoiding is only going to cause that false premise in the future and more issues for us to dissect and worry about in years to come. additionally i'm hoping that you might take this time to understand your part in all of this.

so i can say that for now radio silence is in effect... until further notice. i don't know when that notice will be or what needs to happen before then. you'll be the second person to know when i'm ready to talk to you... i'll of course be the first. in the meantime let's not do the thing where you call me to talk about it. i know for sure or fo' sho' as the kids say that it doesn't feel good.

i wish you well on your journey. take care of yourself. take care of what you need to take care of. i'll be doing the same here.... and working in earnest to be at peace with all that our story has become.

physics is reality

or perhaps it isn't but i realized today that fixing your life... like really fixing it and making it the life you want to live can be solved like a physics problem. it's all about force, motion, gravity, velocity, acceleration, position and the ever important delta.

oh delta. the change in something. your final position minus your initial position is your delta... the actual amount that you have grown, moved, lived, thought or realized. we all need a little delta in our lives.

you can always figure out your relative ratio to the past by using the law of sines or cosines. you can always know what you velocity is, what direction you are headed and you know the force of gravity in your life.

i have to remind myself that things don't always work out in physics problems and in real life. more importantly sometimes it's not even about getting the right answer... it's about what you learn while you're busy getting shit all wrong. sometimes we get answers that surprise us, sometimes there is more than one answer, and most of all it's important to remember that it's okay to define the positive direction of your own personal coordinate system.

most importantly it's okay to look at a problem and know when you're done with the "physics" part and the rest of the answer is just the math that goes along with it... i should apply that more frequently in my own life... why am i continuing to pursue the solution to a finite end when at some point i can step back and know that i've achieved the growth and understanding that the problem was meant to teach me.

what am i here for anyway? to be right or to understand myself, grow in every way and to be the best version of myself that i can be? most days the answer is the latter.... some days i still fail and go for being right... luckily i know how to learn from those days.

luckily i know how big my personal delta is these days, i know what is the positive direction for myself, i know how to define the magnitude of vectors and i am ever respectful of gravity and i'm increasingly wary of trying to just "get to the right answer".... even i'm a little proud.

have you ever wondered if you got something fundamentally wrong in your life? like maybe there is a huge plan for everyone and somehow you got turned around on a path that had confusing signs and made a huge error in the interpretation of the signs?

for example i just found out that one of my long time friends and mentors (who i no longer speak to... it's just effing complicated) has the exact same name as a famous author and mentor who said "that there are always times of trauma and anxiety and crises of self confidence when you are building something and trying to bring about change and improve lives." i'll be honest... that advice might have been the advice all along... like what if i had the name right but was supposed to be friends with the famous author instead?

what if? just weird to think about all those little moments that might have been different if we had always known clearly what the signs said.... it's not about regret... it's more about thinking of things from a different perspective - contradictions cannot exist, if you find a contradiction, go back and check your premise.... for now i'm concentrating on the perspective that anxiety and crises of self confidence exist.. i'll get to the rest later.

willing... in the morning...

this morning as i woke, a little earlier than i wanted, a little stiffer than i wanted, a little not sure about monday... for no reason. it's just morning and sometimes i don't love it.

this song is the theme... but you might not "get it" until the end of the blog... and for some of you not even then... just kidding dave...

linda ronstadt - willing



so i help a certain someone put on her new cupcake tights for school - fucking cupcake tights... seriously it's sooo cute... who wouldn't love wearing cupcake tights to school? i mean everyone should maybe wear a pair of cupcake tights just to feel a little pretty and fancy...

anyway so i come downstairs and think about going back to bed after she is safely at school and then i see the best thing that has happened to me in forever... my coffee is already made!!!!! i finally got one of those coffee makers that has a timer and it's the best $20 i ever spent... i cannot stress enough how great it makes your morning to just have that one thing done... to just pour your coffee instead of sleep walking around the kitchen and then impatiently waiting for it to brew just thinking the whole time about how much it sucks to be awake and how if you didn't have to make your stupid coffee you would be 2 things: 1. not addicted to caffeine and 2. still in bed.

so as i'm sitting down with my first cup o coffee for the day i see the following in an email from cody...

HearVox News Audio, art, & cultcha blog

« Bale Out | HV NEWS |

More Travel Tips

By JW 2009.02.08 tags: travel, travel tips.

Travel Tips
Contributions to a growing list:

#136 Sandals are not the best thing to wear for hiking through a tropical forest to grassy, steep ocean cliffs after two days of heavy rain—no matter how much they look like ones Jesus would have worn.

#34 Those most interested in history are those about to become it. Try to take an interest no matter your age.

#156 If you hear “The Gambler” playing, run. Run away. Something is horribly wrong, will be, or ought to be.

#35 Good traveling is making sure you say, “wow, what’s that?” more than “I remember when that was a…

you can find the full text here: http://hearingvoices.com/news/2009/02/more-travel-tips/

which just makes me laugh and laugh...

then i remember about the eels... and i remember this thought... this line from another blog (also pointed out by cody) and how it just made me think for awhile...

""i was thinkin' bout how everyone is dying, and maybe it's time to live" in "p.s. you rock my world"). it's a stunning conclusion to this intensely personal, unforgettably emotional story"

you can find the full text here: http://sand-is-overrated.blogspot.com/2008/02/you-think-i-got-it-all-going-my-way.html

ps. the tag line on that blog is: sand is overrated. it's just tiny little rocks. which is hilarious in itself.

and then i get to sit with my third cup of coffee and think about the fact that it's not the dying part that's important.. it's the living. it's the things you do between the being born and the dying that changes absolutely everything. it's what you do and how you do it. sometimes it's not the good things that define you, sometimes it's not the bad things that define you either. sometimes you have to define yourself by how you accept and love yourself despite the good things and the bad things. i'm going to be 33. i'm not proud or happy about everything i've done... i'm not sad or disappointed in everything i've done. lately the list of pros and cons is equal. i've accepted that others have lists of pros and cons that look similar. people are not a snapshot of one moment. they are a sum total of all the parts.

i don't know what that means really... no matter how long i stare at the screen and think about it... it's hard to really grasp. it's really hard to not let myself use the old phrases and definitions... to judge myself with startling harshness just to feel the sting and know that no matter what anyone else says about me that i've already been harder on myself than they could ever be. it's hard to say something nice to myself and feel okay with it. perhaps though it's somewhere in between the two.

perhaps i can allow those things to fade into the background and only make a judgement about today and right now... perhaps in this moment between being born, reborn, giving birth and whatever dying means i can just let this moment be the moment. let it just be right now... and just go my own way. perhaps in this moment i can accept that this life and my path are only my own. this is my collection of things - smoothed well worn happy memories and jagged sharp painful memories.... it's all mine and if i spend all my time in the past i'm not making any new memories. i'm wasting this moment... and my hope is that i'm adding things to the good memory list... like buying cupcake tights to make a little girl happy with the way she looks today and always being able to look back and see her happy face, having a good conversation last night with a dave who got to eat free tacos and remembering that friendship is solidified and cemented through lots of things... even if i am an international fugitive now, like reading cody's email and remembering the summer that held vanilla sky. these things are my landscape this morning. the rest of it... well it's in the trash bin with my old coffee maker that makes you actually push a button to make coffee.

sometimes you have to still be willing... regardless of what that means... and i'm choosing to be willing to live the life i want. i'd rather be in the business of realizing the happiness with each day is set on "auto" and is waiting for me each morning. i don't even have to do anything... i can just wake and enjoy. which sounds awful chipper doesn't it? ...it must be the pre-made coffee...

entropy, alligators and aimee mann

i sit tonight quietly trying to do my homework for my communications class and you keep floating to the front of my head. today was the first day that i thought of you and anger didn't well up behind that thought. today was the first day in which i wondered how long it would be until we could move back into some sort of easy flowing communication. it was so coincidental that you called... i know you... that you want to make the effort but don't want to pressure me. i wish it was just that easy. i wish after all this time that we could just move backwards and forget what transpired.
go here and listen to this: the scientist - aimee mann
perhaps one day you will understand just what it is that happened. perhaps one day we can meet somewhere and get a cup of coffee and go for a walk and just talk.... just you and i. perhaps one day we can really meet each other. perhaps we won't need anyone else to tell either one of us what to think or say or worry about. perhaps you will one day be willing to forgive what i am judged to be... it's so strange to me that you who has been judged and made mistakes and understands redemption would not understand that i am worth the same things.
perhaps it is good... and as much as it kills me because i want to deny it... but the truth is that good things have come of it. there has been fruit in it because i have gotten the chance to explore other things within myself and stand alone without the crutch that you offered. i have gotten the opportunity to reexplore a part of my old life and in ways make old things right. it's the strangest thing about loss and growth of life... one thing dies and in it's place something beautiful grows and thrives in that strange awkward space. the space that i thought was his that no one would ever fill, you grew out of so quickly and made bigger... in ways i didn't know i was ready for... that space has growth of new seeds - of what i've been sowing lately with my best foot forward.

it doesn't mean that you didn't break my heart. but i suppose that a broken heart can only really hurt in that incapacitating way for a finite amount of time before it ceases to matter. when the mattering becomes anti-matter and things cease to really have any universal perspective... perhaps even feelings and memories tend to move in forward reaction towards entropy.
regardless, i don't wallow well..... and in some ways i'm sorry about that. today as i stopped being angry i stopped wallowing and feeling sorry for myself. today i began to honor the promise i made to send you on your way in peace. i do understand. i have regret and as a result i wish things were different but you know what they say - about hands and wishes.
so farewell, don't get eaten by an alligator, give the boys my love and try your best to become the best version of yourself.... i'll be here being the best version of myself and we'll just have to agree to disagree about the rest.

alligators and coldplay

have you ever given up? what did it feel like? what did it look like? were you listening to this song as you did it? Coldplay - Viva la Vida




did you sit on the porch and spill your heart and it's contents before your roommate and God in an attempt to fight the good fight and grasp aloud what was right behind your eyes and wandering aimlessly in your heart. did you find the moment that you came to great clarity with thunderous understanding and perfection that the person that you believed was fighting right along side of you was actually an adversary?

did you hear your roommate say "i know how to call an alligator back" just as the frustration level reached it's peak and you were pretending to make the hissing noise that alligators make to say that they are all set?

did you know at that moment why alligators eat people? i do.

i give up today. not in a poor me way. not in a i can't do this way. i give up because i deserve better. i deserve to know that when i roll the dice and go all in that what i'm gambling on is more than an alligator's temperment or fake plastic chips. i want to know that when i look back on this moment it's not that i chose my path based on maybes... i chose it because it is my Spiritual north and i know in every piece of my being that there simply is no other choice. i want to know that when i get through with the good fight and i've bared my soul to those that stand still and listen long enough to hear it that any scars or cuts that are visible are ones that were not self inflicted and weren't inflicted by an enemy... that those are the scars and cuts that i had to get as a matter of course to get here.

did you know you always get what you ask for... we always get what we ask for no matter what. at that moment... after everything had transpired did you suddenly feel free and completely comfortable in your own skin for the first time in years. maybe you don't have to go anywhere to get to home... maybe home is in your heart and you get there by coming back to yourself with such force that you are ready to stand alone to defend it.

either way... tonight as i listen to coldplay and think about myself i know that this is the perfect place in the perfect moment with everything right where it should be and i find comfort in it... i find satisfaction and happiness.... and that feels like i'm winning the fight.... the good one.

the physics of meaning

the physics of meaning it's a band with a great song called aeroplanes and hurricanes... not my favorite like These United States over and over again but it's metaphorical and you know i'm a girl that likes the comfort of things being metaphorical and literal all at the same time. it gives me a strange contented feeling like running my tongue over the same spot on my cheek that i accidentally bit into. to understand that things are working on every plane and every platform and every level. when i find things come together in the perfect symbiosis that is a healthy life experiment i am always elated. excited like i feel when i have deja vu and when i finally see clearly what was right in front of me the whole time.

so anyway, the physics of meaning. what things mean and what is said and implied and how things are interpreted and what expectations are built and how fragile they all are when piled end to end in a tower like form. what that means and how gravity, motion, kinetic and potential energy all apply to tower building and misunderstandings that happen by default because we are imperfect and flawed beings. like building a tower to babel those things - the communications that are missed and the laws of the universe that we have created between us - eventually those come clanging down because the language is no longer understood amongst all the communicators.

i'm not sure how to avoid these things. i try time and time again to communicate just as clearly and honestly as i can but i find more often than not that either i fail or i seem to have misplaced my stupid decoder ring. i wish that i could somehow... just somehow see how delicate things are... when the message i'm getting is that they are perfectly stable. perhaps i'm just one of those people who is too direct, too straight forward or too logical. i, horror of all horrors, take things literally when people tell me what they want, think or feel. i like to overthink and be impulsive and i've found that it just doesn't work because i'm not a mind reader and truth be known i'm just not that smart. so i've worked hard to let people be what they are, accept what they are giving, wait until the message changes before i jump to conclusions. i thought that was all good stuff... being redemptive or neutral instead of reactive. however... every once in a while i realize about 10 hours too late that i've missed the secret message written in invisible ink and i am left with the pieces of the tower that i didn't even build.

so from now on... if you're looking for a place to dump your expectations, judgment, secret messages, implications and unspoken ideas... you need to do it on your side of the street. those things aren't mine. and it hurts my feelings to know that even when you promise that we're on the same page and i trust you that it could change at a moment's notice. i'm simply not ready for those if, ands, or buts. we have built something so strong and wonderful. i'm surprised that it could be blown over by something that seemed to be so within our realm of what we could together deal with. that uncertainty and that doubt and fear is not about being... that's about doing and i'm definitely not allowed to do that.

also want to say on a dorky side note that today i finally understood arrhenius equation and can solve for the variables and even use the integrated equation. i was proud and kinda nervous.... sometimes success is as scary as failure. i did find it coincidental that the things in the equation seem to apply to my personal situation today. if you'll indulge me (which you will because it's my blog) i'll show you what i found kind of amazing...
the equation is as follows:
k = Ae ^Ea/Rt
where k is the rate constant
A is the frequency factor
Ea is the activation energy
R is a given constant (8.314 J/mol)
and t is the temperature.

so.... now you apply it to life
k is the rate at which interactions take place
A is the frequency at which they successfully occur
Ea is the effort required to make the interaction positive and fruitful
R is the constant or the basis - your personal values, morals and ideals that offer common ground
t is still the temperature but we can use the scale of "cold" to "hot" for "dislike" to "love"

i promise if you start plugging in numbers from your personal life you will find that it works.... because chemistry is not subjective and it is not about decoder rings. it is all about clean science that is logical and perfect and if i could i would only live in that world... because well.... it makes so much sense.

the chorus of the universe

i was going to write a lot of things tonight.... but i am reminded as i sit down to this very public venue that not everyone likes their life to be read on the web. not everyone likes to throw their emotional guts out there and have others feast on the sweet meats like some internet hannibal lecter enjoying the salty and rawness of fresh destruction and death. so out of respect for the more squeamish i will abide to my first rule and only divulge here what is mine to divulge. i may be a cannibal and a voyeur but i'm not an asshole...
instead of the original post i wrote another post... long and poignant and deeply personal and then realized again that it violates the rules of opening up others to the public living that a daily blog can create... so i had to censure myself again.
in the place of those two things i can only give you this brief something..... something about making mistakes and having the opportunity to be forgiven, something about finding out once and for all what a person you love really (i mean no holding back REALLY) thinks about you, something about deserving that accurate and pointed judgment, something about giving up and then deciding i'd rather give in, something about being flawed and imperfect and finding out that it hasn't changed, something about how if jameson can't fix this cluster fuck i've created we're all in serious trouble, something about anxiety and the restlessness that comes from being on the cusp of failure and success all at once and lastly i was going to write something about the beauty and dichotomy of stark contrasts.
that last subject matter is the only thing i can manage for right now because the rest of it is a rat's nest of stupid emotional rawness that i still haven't had a chance to figure out... do i cut the blue or the red wire? will this shit blow up no matter what i do? this is officially the scariest environment imaginable... but that is not the point.
here my dear friends is the point.....
as my plane glides over clouds, not the puffy ones but the ones that are stretched out and thin as gauze over the landscape, i see beneath me a mountain range. i identified in the landscape the beauty of contrasts - the elusive wonderment in only seeing one thing because you've seen another - light for dark, life for death, love for hate, smooth for rough and internal fulfillment because you've been through the void. i have seen and felt all of those things, sometimes it's all the good ones, or all the bad ones, or in the good moments they come in paced intervals one after another in waves that i can breathe through. stark contrasts illuminate what we want to see and what we like about the picture of ourselves and others. i myself have seen the dark overwhelm me and the light fill me in the space of 2 long days, been loved and honoured and cherished and then discarded in the space of 24 hours and have felt the smooth feeling of flying and then the rough realization that flight is no longer even an option. now i suppose it's up to me to find that ever escaping and twirling and curling mythical beast called fulfillment because if we're all being honest and i don't know why we wouldn't be here... i've seen the void and i'm frustrated and sick to death of it.
funny how different things can come together to say exactly what it is that you've been searching the dictionary of the universe for the chorus to...

phone calls into the valley

lewis & clarke - before it breaks you



there are times when things happen and i have to make an SOS call into the valley. it's strange because 9 times out of 10 the call isn't answered but the ritual of it after so many years makes me feel better. once the call is made and the machine picks up i instantly feel better and then i can usually walk away and make myself some tea, put my feet up and breathe. i can usually debrief myself or field dress whatever wound has become the most recent. sometimes i wonder if the person on the other side of the calls knows that i don't leave a message because i don't have to anymore. i wonder if he knows sometimes sending up the flare is enough to give me the chance to de-escalate on my own. i wonder if he knows that when it's all said and done i credit him with the save, the distress call answering and the feeling of security i get from reaching out to a place of safety.

when i learned to ride a bike i was at my friend dawnielle's house in stillwater, ok. she had already learned and i was excited to be the same as her. i rode the bike up and down the street with her dad holding the back of the seat. up and down. up and down. i wobbled and tottered and steered weird and turned my handle bars at odd angles. getting that coordination memorized isn't easy. in fact it was down right scary and i remember being concentrated, frustrated and excited all at the same time... just knowing that i was on the cusp of something amazing. finally he said let's do it one more time... and so i got set and we started off and when we got to the end of the block he wasn't there... he wasn't next to me. i think i walked the bike back because i couldn't imagine trying to ride without him. when i got close i could see him smiling and he said "you did it" and i said incredulously "i did?" and i had.

sometimes we all need a safety net... whether we fall or not... and sometimes we need to believe that others are the ones responsible for our safety because the idea that if you looked down or recognized how far you had gotten out of your safety zone then you might fall flat on your face out of the old fears and anxieties.

today i needed to make the call into the valley, and without worrying about what i would say or how i would explain or having something planned out i just called. i heard the machine pick up and then without leaving a message i hung up the phone and made myself tea. i don't think things are fixed but i know they are better than they were before... and even a small improvement is better than nothing.

clarifications, intentions and allegory

grace potter and the nocturnals - apologies



i find in life that i am often confused about what people's intentions and what the social ramifications are of asking someone point blank: what is it that you intended with that statement / action / attitude?

i'm not being difficult i really don't understand what people are trying to communicate to me. i find that often times my experience is that people seem to have a very bizarre way of making their feelings / wants / thoughts known. they seem to allude to things, be very passive aggressive and say things like "if you want to" when they really mean that THEY want to. they seem to suggest and hint and avoid articulation of anything having to do with logic or clearly expressing what is really going on.

as a result of this they seem to infringe upon my boundaries and my go way beyond my personal comfort level. i'm not saying i'm right, i'm simply saying that in this little square of the world it's the way shit goes down and if i don't get it or i'm uncomfortable or on edge i'm not the best version of myself... in fact i can be down right cranky.

there are a couple of things that are myths about me: that i'm difficult, that i'm outgoing, that i'm purposely didactic about scenarios, feelings and situations. it turns out that 95% of the time i am easy going and easy to get along with - in fact i have very few opinions about day to day things. i do have a list of things that i don't like - people taking liberties with my boundaries, people pushing / bullying / manipulating me, people not listening to what i'm communicating and there is one thing i hate more than anything - being invalidated purposely... you the oh so nice reader might wonder here what i'm talking about so i'm going to break it down to a more basic level.... if you say things like "it's not a big deal" / "don't worry about it" / "don't overthink it" / "i don't think that it a big deal" / "i don't think it's like that" when i've expressed that it's important to me or beyond my comfort level or that something is making me angry. yes, those innocuous phrases that people throw around like bad beer commercial quotes... yes, those simple phrases that are meant to lighten things up or avoid the point. they are invalidating and hurtful and upsetting and leave me feeling like i can't relate. often i find that my frustration at being invalid, hurt and isolated is anger. i don't like to feel angry. i don't like any of it. i don't even want to be a part of it.

now the second part of this which is that i'm not great at conflict. in the heat of the moment i have two conflict styles: avoidance and anger. if i'm given time to process the information isolate the source of my discomfort and figure out the logical solution i can communicate quite well. in fact given that opportunity i'm a damn good communicator. so i know that this is also inconvenient... i know that in this world of instant gratification, reality television and online shopping it seems that i could maybe move into the new millenium and speed things up but i'll be honest... when it comes to conflict i'm back in approximately 1826. yeah, i know it's fucked up. i have conflict resolution skills circa 1826 ... maybe 1835 on a good day. and the even more important thing is that it's not about the other person. it's about my own shit. and yeah, i'm working on it. and yeah, it's easy to analyze and talk about here but i only get a chance to practice when i'm in conflict and i find that it's not the best time to experiment with outcomes. further more... it's probably a good time to admit that these are the secondary skills cuz the first ones were ones that i had before $15000 in therapy.

moreover, i think it's important for everyone to understand that i'm not doing that because i like to be difficult in that way - it's a personality defect. i realize that it's a lot to ask for.... that small courtesy... to not be inconsiderate, to validate other people and to understand that sometimes i need a minute. do i expect that eventually it will get to a point where these things aren't true? abso-fucking-lutely. but in the meantime try to work with me people... geez...

a note in my notebook

i am under no circumstances allowed to watch the notebook again.

seriously. it's not good for me.

tonight i watched the notebook and had an existential crisis about what it all means and where i'm going in my life. i used all three of my most recent favorite analogies while trying to cope:
1. it's all chemistry. whether it's good chemistry or bad chemistry it all looks the same. the only way you know whether the chemistry has created pure oxygen or a noxious gas that will kill you is to breathe it in. you can't judge something by the way it looks but you should over time stop mixing the same chemicals if it turns out to be toxic.
2. my relationship history is sort of like a carousel. i'm not really going anywhere and i keep getting on the same horse after forgetting that i rode it two times before. i'm tired of going round and round and up and down.
3. my issues are like an overpacked disorganized garage. sometimes i need to get something out and i get frustrated that it's so cluttered and so i want to get it all sorted out. sometimes i need to take someone into the garage and i get embarrassed about all the shit i'm keeping in there. either way it's not being used for what it's meant to be used for... i'm not keeping a car in there. i'm simply using it for storage of old crap.

i realize that none of those have the full appeal that they do when i explain them in person and none of them sound really insightful. i also realize that they are all sadly true.

i've been wondering how we got here....

the royal "we" of course. the "we" that speaks of uncertainty and never fingers a victim or a culprit or points at anyone in particular. the "we" that is palatable and comfortable and avoids confrontation and bad feelings and uncertainty. it's a nice "we". it's so sweet and innocent and innocuous.... it's something i've built a lot of my life on. that fear and avoidance of confrontation has become a whole piece of me that i use to maintain what i've built.... and oh have i ever built a glass house. it's one that several people have thrown stones at... and throw away. i've got plenty of glass to repair the things that you shatter with your ill chosen words, your inconsiderate judgments and your general misunderstanding of what i think believe and feel. i know myself and my life and my path and i know how we got here... and i would like to say that it was one big bar tab after another, you know crummy airport bar after crummy airport bar and seedy motel after seedy motel in a string of happenstance occurances that took hold and steered the vessel into the port that we're in. i would like to say it was some version of a hard luck story and that i wasn't to blame.. i had excuses or reasons or justifications. but i don't. it was a series of decisions made with the best intentions and the worst planning. it's strange to believe that we've gotten here - to this junction in the road through thought and discussion and planning. it's almost silly how something rooted in love and hope can take a turn into such a tawdry little one horse town filled with desperation, loneliness and angry hurt feelings.

i guess it's easy to just sum it all up: the road to hell is paved with good intentions and you can throw stones at my glass house right here on the corner of hell avenue and ill-remembered love way.

monarch white

the nice thing about having my own blog is i get to vote for whatever i want... i get to call attention to the things that i believe are worthy of attention and praise.

i give you the latest example of something i love....
www.monarchwhite.com

please go there and give a listen and even be their friends on myspace if you do that sort of thing... the social networking thing. i think that we should all put our cards on the table here - yes i do the myspace thing you can find me here: http://www.myspace.com/lexasaurusrex
and you should also know that it's one of my cousins that belongs with the monarch white project. he's an amazing musician, a hell of a friend, a wonderful man and he even has a cameo in the upcoming novella that still isn't really finished... i'm proud of what is on his website and i am proud of the things i hear in his voice.. the changes and the years have given him the wisdom to produce something worth listening to and that my dear reader is what this life is all about.

while you are there don't leave without listening to #4 - Railway Man. it's a personal favourite of mine and it has deep sentimental meaning and is a part of my personal history... it had been at least 9 years since i had heard and sometimes when i dreamt of my grandfather and of a time of painful change in my life it echoed through my subconscious.

and not to diminish the greatness that exists in the music but i want to say... as a talisman of hope and of love... there is nothing that cannot be conquered by good whiskey, a sunrise and an open heart. there is nothing that cannot be understood in hindsight if you are willing to see things for what they are. there is safety in knowing that your past will always be your past regardless of the shine you give it and the only thing you can change or affect is the future. we... as the latest generation of gillmore children are proof that dysfunction won't kill you and what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

i'm goin' back to the start... a fairytale with a happy ending

tonight i'm going to do something i hardly ever do... i'm going to stop jumping to the conclusion and summary part of things. instead of writing about the lesson or the jewels of wisdom i'm going to go back in time and write about the actual past... i'm such a compartmentalizer that i forget that everyone doesn't have my brain and know all the old information.

first we're going to listen to this song and i mean listen to it and love it and then listen to it all over again. when i heard it tonight my stomach dropped and i fell in love with it immediately.



additionally you should go here: Cover Lay Down and read this music blog that i follow and hear some of the cover songs posted there.... you know how i feel about music and that the soundtrack we give ourselves really changes us and makes us what we are. i wish that people had external speakers that could play whatever we are thinking about... like the montage in movies where someone is walking or running and the song plays over the top... that is how i envision my life sometimes... the memories are there and i view them from a respectful distance (so not to get muddy, hurt or involved all over again) and i hear the music crest over the distasteful parts... music can always bring me right back there. a song can literally bring it all back.... right to the surface.

so once upon a time... (because that's how stories start around here)... there was this girl who lived all over the world. she traveled through most of southeast asia and moved almost every year. each time she started over again and made new friends (sort of). she never really got involved... it was just too messy and complicated and painful and things were sort of um... chaotic at home. (is that the nice way we say that?) so then when she is 15 she moves to this tiny town in arizona... which really isn't that tiny... and she has to begin to make friends with people - real friends that really know her. the problem is that there are so many versions of her, so many different places, so many imagined or real things that got fucked up along the way and somewhat important is the home life. the life we don't talk about even today. the parts we glaze over and we forget and we deny and we avoid.

so she set about making those friends and doing those things and creating that illusion of normalcy. i'll be honest here because i'm the narrator of this little fairy tale and sometimes the narrator gives that creepy voice over thing that gives the audience that glimpse into the future and real insight into what is "really" going on.... the truth is that it was an illusion period. full stop. end of sentence. the honest truth is that everything was so fucked up that it was a horrible front... it was the best she could do at 15 with the tools she had been given. so those years now seem so distant - literally and metaphorically. those years seem to not belong to her because the internal conversation went on a loop something like this:

everything is fine. smile and nod. it's fine. does anyone realize i'm on the fucking edge here? does anyone see what i see? do they know how fucked up everything in my life is? am i as fucking transparent as i feel? it's fine. everything is fine. smile and nod.

and that horrible front built on 15 year old knowledge and worn out coping tools looked something like confidence, anger, rebellion, alcoholism, hatred, violence, indifference, apathy and mostly it looked like a person that a fucking mess. and so the girl spent most of her time looking like it was all fine and doing shit that girls that are a fucking mess do... she dated boys that treated her as badly as she felt. she distanced herself from really knowing anyone. from really letting anyone in.

so about 3 years later when her grandfather died after the most recent relationship exploded into bits of fucked up ugly pieces that bad relationships explode into she looked around and realized that there wasn't anyone. they had no idea how she drove all night from that shitty little town just so that she could sit in his office and wear his old shirt and how four irish whiskey and waters into that night she realized that she was alone in the world. they didn't know that he had been such a big part of her that when he was buried she almost slept at the cemetery that night so he wouldn't be alone. when she drove home from that trip still reeling from the shock and pain that she packed her things and left that little town. she ran. she ran. in the next four years she moved frequently. to phoenix, los angeles, new york city, on tour and back to phoenix.

along the way she made more messes. she got herself into more messes. if we're all being honest here... she almost didn't make it... on more than one occasion. there was that night in california that we never speak of.... that black horrible indelible night. the three days after that where she didn't speak or really even acknowledge the world in general. the day of police questioning that revictimized a 24 year old girl that in all fairness didn't have the best coping skills. and the eight months that followed that she didn't eat, didn't sleep, had anxiety attacks, drank like she did when she was 17, took pills like they were candy and sometimes took too many just to feel like she could escape for a time into blackout sleep.

then came the most unlikely saviours. she got pregnant by accident (turns out pills are only 97% effective) most people would believe that this girl had no business raising another child. in fact people said it out loud... to her face... and still she knew somewhere inside her that this was the only thing big enough to get her to focus forwards instead of backwards. and so she became a mom. she had an amazing baby that changed her life and saved her from the self destruction she had been hell bent on. she went to a therapist. she stopped having the internal conversation that said she was beyond saving. she started telling herself that everything was going to work itself out. she started believing it. she found herself surrounded by friends that knew and understood her. she sought out people that would forgive who she had been and wait patiently by for her to become the person she could be. she grew up. she found love and hope and patience and confidence and happiness and it turns out that she had all the business in the world raising a child. in fact it's the first thing she didn't fail at. it's the first thing she didn't run from. it's the first thing she did with the focus forward on the light at the end of the tunnel.

i tell that story as the opening to this little blog entry:
this weekend i saw people from my past. from the darkness where now there is only light in my life. i learned that frustration and anger and disappointment from being a teenager has faded so much over time that it is simply a very distant montage of me growing and learning and changing doing the best i could do at the time. when the weekend was over i didn't want it to end. i felt like i had come home. full circle. and it was strange and wonderful. i am so grateful for that time. for that glimpse. for the perspective from here, the safe distance that i have achieved and the calm inside of me that comes from reflection, understanding and love. which comes the line in the song above... yes you are still supposed to be listening... "Nobody said it was easy, No one ever said it would be so hard, I’m goin’ back to the start"

there is another part of all of this. another ugly part that is difficult to talk about in this open forum without worrying about how my words will be interpreted. i will say it this simply. although i wish i had the chance to communicate better, handle things differently and alter the outcome slightly i have no regrets. i am not going to start second guessing the path right now. i'm simply going to enjoy the scenery and know what i know today each day until it's time to cross a bridge.

how could i not go to bed grateful tonight? how could i not be happy? yes john... i'm writing my own happiness check... i'm the only one responsible for that.

about today

this song is amazing. it's worth a good listen to.



how many days of your life have passed where you knew that soon you would lose something monumental? in death, in rebirth, in transition or in the general sands of time. in those moments and that recognition of that loss were you conscientious? were you careful? did you take that moments and catalogue all the things that you felt, smelled, saw, heard and touched? did you sit in the dark and see the outline of the person next to you and hear the rise and fall of their breathing and feel that ache spread into your rib cage because you knew that it would be the last time that you would be close enough to smell them? perhaps they smelled of musk and of sex and smelled exactly how they tasted when you touched your mouth to their shoulder and the soft indent in the back of their neck. did you exhale that heavy breath full of sadness and regret about the unfinished things and the loss of the goodness and beauty between you into the night air and feel it linger around you in it's weight and potency? did you see them that morning in the early light as it peaked through the blinds and memorize how their hair stood up against the pillow and how their skin was sprinkled softly with only a few freckles - three to be exact?

i recommend that before you live the next day you commit a few things to memory and you commit them so fully and with such detail that everyday beyond this one you have those moments to come back to. life is not worth living unless the precious details make an imprint on us... on our hearts and our minds. life is not life without those blaring flashes of impatient memories that bring us solidly back to a different time... the time before we know what we know now. that instant is so bittersweet and so powerful that without it i might go as far as to say you have not truly lived in your own skin.

montana to wyoming

apparently dinosaurs used to live in montana... or at least that's what i figured out today when i stopped 250 miles into my trip at a small museum. i was feeling kinda weird and dinosaurs are kinda weird so why not take a break there? i have some kind of killer cold / flu thing goin on and i can't eat. it hurts when i swallow. my chest hurts when i breathe. after my break today i started to feel worse... hot, cold, clammy, dizzy. so finally i pulled over and fished out my thermometer... yep fever = 101. so i'm in sheridan wyoming 500 miles from where i started this morning and i'm sick as a dog. sleeping in a wal-mart parking lot cuz i just can't even fathom having to camp tonight. plus there is free internet... i'm not saying shop there... i'm just saying when a girl is sick it's not a bad place to be. tomorrow - sick or not crazy horse national monument and then on.

if i could do it all over again

today on my break i took a boat ride out to the adventure kart drop off point and back. one of the perks of working for this company is getting to go out and see ketchikan from the water occasionally.

the cluster of islands is so amazing from that perspective. dark green and lighter green trees mixed along the shore planted in rocky beaches littered with remnants of the trees that stood before. the water was flat and calm, the air humid and faintly smelling of salt and the decay / life of the ocean. the sky is overcast today but not quite grey and so the water looks black and cold. fishing boats are moving through the inside passage either into town to refuel / unload or out to sea to make more money. halfway out to the dock we saw dall's porpoise(s) dancing, jumping and splashing in the water. the captain stopped and we watched them for about 10 minutes. there is something graceful and beautiful to the simplicity of their shape and form.

i had 2 1/2 hours to just watch the world and think about things. i found myself thinking about my life and how it's come to this point and all of the high points and the things that if i could replay i would.
1. talking to my grandfather
2. the afternoon light in grand central station
3. the metropolitan museum of art
4. the hustle of the train station in amsterdam
5. the taste of the bread in the market in singapore
6. the sounds and excitement of the open market in hong kong
7. the sunshine and sand from australia
8. orange mist of thailand interlinked with the sound of the temples and clatter of the city
9. three days and two shows with john lee hooker
10. dinner with booker t jones
11. watching tool play 2 feet from the drum riser
12. travelling the us / canada on a tourbus
13. the sunset in salt lake city
14. losing my first tooth
15. seeing emma for the first time
16. taste of freshly baked bread in paris
17. the week long road trip with craig (twice)
18. seeing graceland (just the outside though) and memphis (the picture at the top)
19. sturgis bike week
20. crazy horse memorial
21. new orleans with tim
22. the chester house and time spent with the boys
23. watching my brother be born
24. sitting with my sister

then i realized that this summer in alaska would probably go onto that list at some point in the future and how it's strange to me that this place and these memories have become so common place to me. i'd like to explore it more and make sure that i experience it as much as possible in these last 6 weeks.