i'm not ready to make nice....

dixie chicks... not ready to make nice


i realize that i have asked for forgiveness from people and i have been fortunate enough that i have always received it... for the most part and usually in a way that is constructive and helpful for continuing my life.

i've thought a lot over the past few days about what forgiveness means and what it should be about...

–verb (used with object)

1.	to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.

2.	to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.).

3.	to grant pardon to (a person).

4.	to cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one's enemies.

5.	to cancel an indebtedness or liability of: to forgive the interest owed on a loan.

–verb (used without object)

6.	to pardon an offense or an offender.

"in general, forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentments and thoughts of revenge. Forgiveness is the act of untying yourself from thoughts and feelings that bind you to the offense committed against you. This can reduce the power these feelings otherwise have over you, so that you can a live freer and happier life in the present. Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you. Forgiving isn't the same as forgetting what happened to you. The act that hurt or offended you may always remain a part of your life. But forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help you focus on other, positive parts of your life. Forgiveness also doesn't mean that you deny the other person's responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn't minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act."

and i believe that forgiveness itself is important and should be offered to anyone who is willing to say they are sorry and earnestly request it. i really believe that. no matter what the offense is or how it seems to be difficult. forgiving is part of being the person i want to be.

and so i offer you this... the specific you, not the royal you, who is asking for forgiveness and called me tonight to tell me about how you think about me and how you feel... i forgive you. not for you but for me. there is no ill-will from my side of the continental united states.

however i'm not ready to make nice. i'm not ready to talk about it or hear about how you are doing or what is going on with you. i'm just not. i wish i was and that i could just wave a magic wand and make this divide between us disappear.... but i can't. there isn't that kind of magic in the world and to be honest i'm not sure that is the best thing for me. i'm still trying to process and understand what has happened and why.

i'm still trying to get my head around how you thought this was my fault. i'm still trying to put it in perspective and be able to understand what all this means in the scope of the here and now. i haven't even begun to look at what it means in the future.

and god does it sting. it all sucks. i'm not happy about our current state either. this is the last thing i wanted but avoiding is only going to cause that false premise in the future and more issues for us to dissect and worry about in years to come. additionally i'm hoping that you might take this time to understand your part in all of this.

so i can say that for now radio silence is in effect... until further notice. i don't know when that notice will be or what needs to happen before then. you'll be the second person to know when i'm ready to talk to you... i'll of course be the first. in the meantime let's not do the thing where you call me to talk about it. i know for sure or fo' sho' as the kids say that it doesn't feel good.

i wish you well on your journey. take care of yourself. take care of what you need to take care of. i'll be doing the same here.... and working in earnest to be at peace with all that our story has become.