pictures are up!!

we had an amazing time having our pictures taken by aubrey - you can find her website here at photobyaubrey.com  she was fun and funny and took it in stride that we were a little late and a LOT hung over. it was important to us as a family to be able to have these photos taken and i am so happy about the way that these turned out - we can't WAIT to see the rest!

 

 

 

 

you'll know when you get there

two things happened tonight....

1.) miss lowercasesandcapitals changed my life by pointing out that this - Daytrotter Session Archives - available and free to download. it's music by everyone who is anyone in the daytrotter world and it's revamped my music collection. 5 hours of amazing music so far and i'm nowhere near done. i was in serious need of new music. everything i had was either old or reminded me of someone i don't want to be haunted by.

here are some tidbits i think are worth listening to: (you'll have to right click and find what i'm referring to... but it's a great investment of your time)

anya marina - move you

bon iver - flume

these united states - so high so low so wide so long

2.) the same lovely lady changed my life by having the time to just talk it out with me. i feel like i'm the most selfish person on earth needing to talk it out. needing to ask for help is difficult for me. i hate that he was the one i talked to and now i feel like i have all this talking to do and can't reach out to the person who has been there for the past two years. i know we're all sick of listening about it. shit, i'm sick of hearing about it. i'm sick of talking about it. i'm sick to death of it. i'm ready to just be OVER it. but it doesn't work like that. you don't fall in love with someone slowly and give your heart, trust and secrets to someone piece by piece and then switch it off in one day. maybe "you" do. but i don't. i'm just not like that.

tonight as we talked about my "it" and we talked about her "it" i realized that this too is the thing that is going to be painful and uncomfortable up until the point that i can look myself in the mirror and say "that was the most painful thing that's happened to me and i'm grateful for every single second. i wouldn't change it for the world. it's made me who i am. it's mine. i lived it." when you can say it and mean it... that's when it's over. and not a second before that.

until then i'm going to keep being grateful. i'm going to keep doing all the things that make me happy. i'm going to keep all the great things about myself and let this one part help me to move into the person i know i'm growing into.

in the meantime... please excuse my construction.

it's a music sunday

i'm in love with www.coverlaydown.com

i can't say enough about how well it's put together or how it makes me happy every single time he posts. it's well written and deep and it involves music. i recommend you have a little rss feed that links to him and that you give donations to his blog in all your friends and family's names for christmas.... i think it would be selfish not to really.

here are some gems i found tonight:

lucas mire - part missing - (orig. lori carson)

david potts - dupre - i am trying to break your heart - (orig. wilco)

tuesdays are good...

it's tuesday... and you should have a soundtrack... and it should be this song that i love.... because i love it, you love me and in turn i give you things that will make you love tuesday. see? now we're all happy.

dawn landes - i won't back down (tom petty cover)

oh, and you should read www.coverlaydown.com regularly... because he is a genius and it's an amazing music blog.

just sayin'.

you're back

wait.. i'm back.

i've been on hiatus. it's a long story. you should know that it's not you... i promise it wasn't about you. it was about not being able to post. really. it's a long boring story without a good ending.

but let's not talk about the past.

let's talk about what i'm currently in LOVE with....

drum roll please....

lowercases and capitals

it's pure awesomeness. if awesomeness was hot, had great music taste, drank jameson, a great sense of humor and could write amazing posts.

go there immediately and read everything. everything i tell you.

and then come back tomorrow and i'll have something for ya.

a catholic girl that could work for allen marine...

from http://www.overheardeverywhere.com/

Is That What Jesus Would Do?

Catholic school girl #1: (sings "Total Eclipse of the Heart")
Catholic school girl #2: Stop it. I swear to god, I will shank you.

Baton Rouge, Louisiana

Overheard by: Adelaie

this one is for anyone who mighta said "ma'am, i will fucking cut you"... wait thats me. and in fairness, i didn't actually say that. but i totally wanted to. and i told many a story that ended and started with the phrase "i will fucking cut you".

sigh.

i want burger bitch and a drink at the arctic bar.

awesoments

love and love alike... also... as well.. in addition to...

while i was tracking down the decemberists links i found these gems from a band that is effing fabulous and makes my heart swell with the hope that music will not always suck... i've been watching for their new album and apparently missed the march release. i was probably listening to something awful at the time. you owe it to yourself to give them a listen...

great lake swimmers - palmistry

great lake swimmers - various stages (my favorite... but you'll have to click and then scroll and click again... it's so totally worth it though... and if it's not it's 3 clicks!! you'll live!)

great lake swimmers - song for the angels


while you're out there looking at new music don't forget:
sam beam / iron & wine - always
these united states
dirty on purpose
the decemberists
death cab for cutie

and check out these songs / bands and help me decide whether i love them or not...
the acorn.... you can check them here: my old kentucky blog
sea wolf - the garden that you planted

nick rallis and these united states save the day

my ip0d is sorely not me anymore. i hate it when that happens... when suddenly everything you listen to seems to just fit another person or another life. when all the songs remind you of how things used to be like something else or of someone else. suddenly it seems that you have outgrown yourself and you spend a few days wondering what you're going to listen to instead. in truth there is a whole lot of soul searching right before that point but the ip0d is where it's noticed... as if everything was fine until you just can't stand the music you used to love.

i have been on a quest for new things and new ideas... i've been combing hypem.com and every music blog i can find... it's tough going though... not everything is made for loving.

here are some things i have found...
Drag the River - Jeff Black Song

i fell in love with these united states again... specifically the song so high so low so wide so long...
i mean for real... i have a heart pounding sugar coated love thing for them.. like how i feel about mango ice cream. i don't even like ice cream... and yet i love it. i digress...



and if that's not enough to make your heart pitter patter and your face light up at the sheer genius then go here and watch them in the secret garden video:
Hoovesontheturf.com

the music search is probably temporary but while i'm in the throes of missing good tunes feel free to make your suggestions... i'm gettin' desperate here. which i suppose is indicative of more crucial things...

i guess it's something about getting your heart broken... i mean really broken. the kind of heart break that leaves you feeling sort of empty and wondering when it's not going to seem dark. the kind of heart break that only comes from realizing a friend that has been in your life for years has become the worst version of themselves. sometimes addiction and heartache break people and those people just can't honor the good things in their lives. they become thieves and liars. and initially i thought i could forgive it. forgive the theft and the lies. but i cannot. and i don't know what has me so in a funk... i guess simply the loss of the friendship. just in case you've been reading along these past few weeks and wonder what i'm on about lately... i've had to face that a friend is so addicted to their negative vices that he is not able to be anything but a liar. and it has broken my heart.

not like "that"... i have a boyfriend. i always have. we have been on again and off again for years. he's a really good boy. the best kind. he allows me to fall in love with bands and to have my own life - blogging and talking about all these obscure things, to raise my child, to be the person i want to be, to make mistakes, to succeed, to have male friends that break my heart. he supports me and sends me sweet text messages first thing in the morning. he writes me poetry, sings to me (well, he would if i asked him to and does spontaneously sometimes) and if i let him he would even make me banana pancakes. it's so strange that being loved by my best friends, my lover and my family doesn't change how crappy i feel about being betrayed. i suppose all i can continue to do is study for my calculus exam and then wrap myself up in my covers and listen to nick rallis. up loud.

loud enough that it doesn't matter that i found out last what everyone else seemed to know... drug addicts and alcoholics that don't want recovery cannot be saved no matter how much you love them. and while they are stubbornly un-recovered they are ticking time bombs waiting to go off and then lie to everyone to avoid taking responsibility. jameson anyone?

my life just changed

if we were looking at each other i would just gasp, shake my head and click on this link without talking but still looking at you will raised eyebrows while indicating with my body language that somehow you are an idiot for not knowing about this song and for listening to it repeatedly on your ip-Od and on your computer.

go change your own life... and then listen to all the other things i love to....

Cory Adams - Sloop John B

from the site: How Marvellous

two-fer

if you love yourself at all... go here and listen to this right now... it's so musically interesting and strangely haunting... and it makes my heart happy also.

Laura Tsaggaris - Oops! I did it again...

btw - i have a directly proportional relationship to cover lay down

yesterday, today, tomorrow

strange things have been in the works... it feels like change and for once i think change is good. it just seems like although i am in the same place and doing the same things and not planning on changing anything that there are things in my life changing despite myself. things dying and things renewed and gain and loss and things without tally or without definition.

one of the things changing is love. learning and relearning what it means to love, be loved and to lose love. the other changing is letting go. learning and relearning what it means to let go, to be released and not be lost in the midst of it.

i woke up this morning and thought that i would like to be shown about love and about letting go and then... without warning jay sent the following websites to me:

love letters

and

so there

you should go to them both and then love jay. i went, i read, i will keep going back, and i love him more than unicorns. (specifically more than i love unicorns but also possibly more than unicorns love him... either way you want to read that... they're both true)

here is an excerpt from so there:

I want you to know that I've always loved you. I've cherished your name, relished in your presence, sighed with poignant love at your voice. Such elegance in your awkward body; I know love's hymn lies somewhere in your soul, if you would only sing it.

Though I believe we will never be more than strong, loving friends, I want you to know I will always look to you differently. It doesn't seem right to leave you in the dark, not knowing someone has such strong feelings for you.

I'm scared. I don't think I have the strength if you reject me. I don't think I have the courage to send this letter.

paul simon could write a book...

or maybe he should just keep making albums

deer tick - still crazy after all these years

i've had this moment... and sometimes i feel like this song is my life... about how things don't change, about how we are destined to repeat our old patterns and when you see that old friend, old love, old life you realize how much you've outgrown it and how nothing seems to have changed at all. it's so hard to know... so hard to ascertain what is growing and how to measure it.

angus and julia stone

if you do one thing you should go to this music blog and listen to these two songs... i don't know a lot but i know that the voices and something about how the words fall make this a must love...

!Tashed - Blog - Angus and Julia Stone

i don't know what this is... but i love it

seriously... this is mesmerizing and it makes me sad and happy at the same time:

http://lonely.prevvy.com/

craigslist strikes again

CONFUSED AND BORED - m4w - 39

---

maybe if you could have kept your legs closed we would still be together. but you couldn't because you are the brainless slut not the other girls I go too.

i swear its the last time - w4m - 28 (phx)

---

i like dropping you a line once in awhile … you know, just to check in. besides, thinking about your face makes me smile.

but, i won’t be doing that anymore. you see, no matter how hard i try, i can’t maintain any boundary with you. i wish i could. but boundaries have proven to be somewhat of a challenge for me, and for you. i would love it if we could continue to be friends - the kind of friends we were before all this awkward weirdness happened - but, it seems that isn’t possible.

today, your words echo in my ears; your touch lingers on my skin. i can almost feel your hand on my side. i love looking into your eyes. i love it when you’re a little silly and i can almost see your soul.

when i think back over the last handful of years i know i am losing so much. years ago, when i knew of you, i used to wonder about you. when i got to know you, i felt connected to you . i thought of you often. your heart was so weak, so broken, so abused. i wanted to show you how to trust again. i always wanted you to be happy. sometimes i thought i could make you happy. my intentions were so pure, so honest. but then we muddied the waters. we took chances and disregarded boundaries. because of this, sometimes i wish you had never known me.

you should know that you made me feel special. you made me feel pretty. you made me feel sexy. but now i all feel is used. when you weave your way back in (and you always do), i feel a little less used – but i always know that feeling will be fleeting.

so here we are. you over there, and me right here. and that’s the way we have to stay.

i wish this fate was different, but everything has become so clear. you were meant to be part of me, if only for a short time. to teach me something, to lead me to what i wouldn’t allow myself to find alone.

today, my heart is breaking. i owe so much to you, and i’m losing you. this could have been different if i simply did what i knew was right with me. sure, i branched out. i took a chance; tried something new. and now i have to accept the consequence. i get to live with my sin.

with true sincerity, thank you. thank you for everything … the good, the bad, and everything in between. i will never forget the brand you made on my heart. i will always be grateful to you. i can only hope you gained as much from this as i. goodbye, sweet, sweet boy, goodbye.

This should have been us - m4w (No where special)

---

I used to look forward to today. At times it never was easy to do something truly special, but we always remembered our special day. Now I tend to forget about it the weeks and days leading up to today. Then, somehow, I'm reminded of it. As time goes on, I doubt I'll think so much about it. Maybe someday this day will come and go without a thought of it? In a way I think that I'd like that. I don't want to remember us anymore. Just the same, I hope that I never forget this day - the day that my life certainly had meaning; I had finally done something right and I was fully aware of it. I was so nervous when we got married, however I knew that it was the best day of my life! They say life goes on. Right now I'm slowly starting to experience this "life goes on". So now I just sit here trying to figure out what I want to do with my new life and nothing comes to mind. I wake up everyday, however I'm not really living, just existing. It was hard to in the beginning, but somehow I managed. I know this cause I'm here today. I wouldn't say that I'm not happy. I think I'm doing alright - better than before. I guess as time goes on, you go along with it. Certain familiar things become part of your past and you no longer are reminded. You start to do things differently. After awhile old habits or old routines become slightly different based on the absence of your old life. I've had plenty of time to adjust to this new empty life, however it hasn't been easy. The loneliness and yearing for you have made it difficult, but I'm learning to let go. There have been times where I didn't even think of you. I would feel guilty when I realized that I hadn't thought about you. I was told that it's alright not to remember. It means I'm moving on with my life and that's a good thing. Lately I've been having dreams about us. In the dreams I'm so completely happy and I'm fully aware of this. I look at you and think, my beautiful little wife! We seem so happy an in love. Yet when I wake, the sad reality sets in - you're gone. And it was just a dream. Maybe we're connecting like we use to? It aways amazed me how we knew each other's thoughts or how you would be thinking something and call me about it and i was thinking the same thing - totally random stuff that wasn't even really part of our daily lives or conversations( like me wanting a kitty and i called you about it and it just so happened that you found one and you were going to call me about her and we had never discussed getting a pet. ) I miss you so much. I miss talking to you. I miss seeing you. I miss being around you. I miss everything about you. I love you so much. I will always love you. Happy Anniversary! May you be at peace.

the internet is wonderful

things you should definitely check out:

1. You suck at Craigslist
a quick example (sadly i know people who could have actually written this...)

On this, the most romantic of days, I bring you some of the people out there who are wookin’ pa nub in all the wrong places, including Craigslist.

Watched the news lately? - 48

---

Seeking a lady that is aware of what the future will bring. A survivalist. I would like to find a lady who is under 50 and capable of growing a garden and first aid. A lady that can operate and take care of a horse, tractor, a truck, and an ATV. Must be capable of self-defense! Trapping, reloading and knife sharpening skill is a plus! Looks not too important besides being in good physical shape although big t*ts are a plus. Must currently be self-sufficient! If you have any equipment, send photo and description. We’ll see about the relationship discussion after we get past these requirements. I hope you like the smell of diesel! Smoke or drink, OK. No drugs! Don’t be scared, reply back to me! Criminals, gays and blacks need not apply. Not my flavor

What flavor are gays? To me, it seems like they’d be minty.

And you know, if your t*ts are too big, you won’t be able to sharpen knives very well. They also seem like they might be a hindrance in the whole “tractor and ATV” thing.

2. Passive-Agressive (and just plain aggressive) notes.com

willing... in the morning...

this morning as i woke, a little earlier than i wanted, a little stiffer than i wanted, a little not sure about monday... for no reason. it's just morning and sometimes i don't love it.

this song is the theme... but you might not "get it" until the end of the blog... and for some of you not even then... just kidding dave...

linda ronstadt - willing



so i help a certain someone put on her new cupcake tights for school - fucking cupcake tights... seriously it's sooo cute... who wouldn't love wearing cupcake tights to school? i mean everyone should maybe wear a pair of cupcake tights just to feel a little pretty and fancy...

anyway so i come downstairs and think about going back to bed after she is safely at school and then i see the best thing that has happened to me in forever... my coffee is already made!!!!! i finally got one of those coffee makers that has a timer and it's the best $20 i ever spent... i cannot stress enough how great it makes your morning to just have that one thing done... to just pour your coffee instead of sleep walking around the kitchen and then impatiently waiting for it to brew just thinking the whole time about how much it sucks to be awake and how if you didn't have to make your stupid coffee you would be 2 things: 1. not addicted to caffeine and 2. still in bed.

so as i'm sitting down with my first cup o coffee for the day i see the following in an email from cody...

HearVox News Audio, art, & cultcha blog

« Bale Out | HV NEWS |

More Travel Tips

By JW 2009.02.08 tags: travel, travel tips.

Travel Tips
Contributions to a growing list:

#136 Sandals are not the best thing to wear for hiking through a tropical forest to grassy, steep ocean cliffs after two days of heavy rain—no matter how much they look like ones Jesus would have worn.

#34 Those most interested in history are those about to become it. Try to take an interest no matter your age.

#156 If you hear “The Gambler” playing, run. Run away. Something is horribly wrong, will be, or ought to be.

#35 Good traveling is making sure you say, “wow, what’s that?” more than “I remember when that was a…

you can find the full text here: http://hearingvoices.com/news/2009/02/more-travel-tips/

which just makes me laugh and laugh...

then i remember about the eels... and i remember this thought... this line from another blog (also pointed out by cody) and how it just made me think for awhile...

""i was thinkin' bout how everyone is dying, and maybe it's time to live" in "p.s. you rock my world"). it's a stunning conclusion to this intensely personal, unforgettably emotional story"

you can find the full text here: http://sand-is-overrated.blogspot.com/2008/02/you-think-i-got-it-all-going-my-way.html

ps. the tag line on that blog is: sand is overrated. it's just tiny little rocks. which is hilarious in itself.

and then i get to sit with my third cup of coffee and think about the fact that it's not the dying part that's important.. it's the living. it's the things you do between the being born and the dying that changes absolutely everything. it's what you do and how you do it. sometimes it's not the good things that define you, sometimes it's not the bad things that define you either. sometimes you have to define yourself by how you accept and love yourself despite the good things and the bad things. i'm going to be 33. i'm not proud or happy about everything i've done... i'm not sad or disappointed in everything i've done. lately the list of pros and cons is equal. i've accepted that others have lists of pros and cons that look similar. people are not a snapshot of one moment. they are a sum total of all the parts.

i don't know what that means really... no matter how long i stare at the screen and think about it... it's hard to really grasp. it's really hard to not let myself use the old phrases and definitions... to judge myself with startling harshness just to feel the sting and know that no matter what anyone else says about me that i've already been harder on myself than they could ever be. it's hard to say something nice to myself and feel okay with it. perhaps though it's somewhere in between the two.

perhaps i can allow those things to fade into the background and only make a judgement about today and right now... perhaps in this moment between being born, reborn, giving birth and whatever dying means i can just let this moment be the moment. let it just be right now... and just go my own way. perhaps in this moment i can accept that this life and my path are only my own. this is my collection of things - smoothed well worn happy memories and jagged sharp painful memories.... it's all mine and if i spend all my time in the past i'm not making any new memories. i'm wasting this moment... and my hope is that i'm adding things to the good memory list... like buying cupcake tights to make a little girl happy with the way she looks today and always being able to look back and see her happy face, having a good conversation last night with a dave who got to eat free tacos and remembering that friendship is solidified and cemented through lots of things... even if i am an international fugitive now, like reading cody's email and remembering the summer that held vanilla sky. these things are my landscape this morning. the rest of it... well it's in the trash bin with my old coffee maker that makes you actually push a button to make coffee.

sometimes you have to still be willing... regardless of what that means... and i'm choosing to be willing to live the life i want. i'd rather be in the business of realizing the happiness with each day is set on "auto" and is waiting for me each morning. i don't even have to do anything... i can just wake and enjoy. which sounds awful chipper doesn't it? ...it must be the pre-made coffee...

schools out for the summer

or indefinitely... i'm not sure on this one.

it's time that i had some space and time for some personal renovations. in being honest and hopeful about that i have to spend what energy i have on the direction i'm going... and well, it's not been tested by the fda yet so i can't say that it's fit for human consumption.

it's simultaneously a huge deal and not a big deal at all. i'm sure i'll be back blogging soon... in the meantime keep checking out these things:

cover lay down - the best music blog and insight into the relationship between the human soul and the love of music itself
hypem.com - the place to check out new tunes and listen to them online in their whole goodness
this american life - the most amazing thing in the world... true life... real life captured and perfectly painted over the course of an hour
radio lab - mr. science meets this american life... for insightful and intelligent goodness

additionally don't forget to love, save the world, be still and quiet sometimes and as abraham lincoln said..... "whatever you are, be a good one."

the eels - 3 speed

you can listen to an amazing song that i get stuck in my head at least once a week here: http://hypem.com/search/eels%20-%203%20speed/1/

yeah you'll have to right click and then listen on the hypem.com site because well.... apparently people don't like to have their music all free and shit floating around the internet.

you can thank cody for this awesomeness.... one, two, three.... THANKS CODY!

now that was nice. like an internet hug. which is in fact free.... which brings me to the most awesome thing ever: