you'll know when you get there

two things happened tonight....

1.) miss lowercasesandcapitals changed my life by pointing out that this - Daytrotter Session Archives - available and free to download. it's music by everyone who is anyone in the daytrotter world and it's revamped my music collection. 5 hours of amazing music so far and i'm nowhere near done. i was in serious need of new music. everything i had was either old or reminded me of someone i don't want to be haunted by.

here are some tidbits i think are worth listening to: (you'll have to right click and find what i'm referring to... but it's a great investment of your time)

anya marina - move you

bon iver - flume

these united states - so high so low so wide so long

2.) the same lovely lady changed my life by having the time to just talk it out with me. i feel like i'm the most selfish person on earth needing to talk it out. needing to ask for help is difficult for me. i hate that he was the one i talked to and now i feel like i have all this talking to do and can't reach out to the person who has been there for the past two years. i know we're all sick of listening about it. shit, i'm sick of hearing about it. i'm sick of talking about it. i'm sick to death of it. i'm ready to just be OVER it. but it doesn't work like that. you don't fall in love with someone slowly and give your heart, trust and secrets to someone piece by piece and then switch it off in one day. maybe "you" do. but i don't. i'm just not like that.

tonight as we talked about my "it" and we talked about her "it" i realized that this too is the thing that is going to be painful and uncomfortable up until the point that i can look myself in the mirror and say "that was the most painful thing that's happened to me and i'm grateful for every single second. i wouldn't change it for the world. it's made me who i am. it's mine. i lived it." when you can say it and mean it... that's when it's over. and not a second before that.

until then i'm going to keep being grateful. i'm going to keep doing all the things that make me happy. i'm going to keep all the great things about myself and let this one part help me to move into the person i know i'm growing into.

in the meantime... please excuse my construction.

tgifriday?

i've had the longest night in the history of long nights. well, at least the longest night i've had in a few years. sometimes people still surprise me. just when you think that know someone... you think you really really know them... they come up with something that complete surprises you. strangely, that's never that they make a perfect chocolate cake from scratch or that they help the homeless... it's always something that is a kick in the teeth.

but because it's friday and i'm tired. i'm letting it go. all of it. i'm forgiving and forgetting. as long as this ghost of my past life promises never to haunt me again. and if you'll be so kind as to indulge me...

tuesdays are good...

it's tuesday... and you should have a soundtrack... and it should be this song that i love.... because i love it, you love me and in turn i give you things that will make you love tuesday. see? now we're all happy.

dawn landes - i won't back down (tom petty cover)

oh, and you should read www.coverlaydown.com regularly... because he is a genius and it's an amazing music blog.

just sayin'.

a walk down memory lane... brings me to the future

heard this song on the radio tonight and had a fun time singing with emma... funny how she knows the words... i don't really know how that happened.



and the important thing to remember is...
"It just takes some time
Little girl you're in the middle of the ride
Everything will be just fine
Everything will be alright"

... sigh... remember the 90s and when this song came out? man, i thought i had problems then... if i had only known. luckily... the truth is that everything really did work out fine, everything is alright.

that's perspective for you. it should help tomorrow. tuesdays are made for perspective and positive outlooks.

just a monday thought

my alarm clock sings a song... it tells me it's going to be a beautiful day... and i always feel like i'm on a bad episode of Will and Grace with Jack singing me awake. but somehow it's nice to have someone, or something tell you as you are coming to consciousness what the day will be. today is going to be beautiful.

here is another thing that i thought of as i was waking up - Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says, “I'll try again tomorrow." Mary Anne Radmacher-Hershey

so i suppose today is that tomorrow and i'm ready to try again.

love and love alike... also... as well.. in addition to...

while i was tracking down the decemberists links i found these gems from a band that is effing fabulous and makes my heart swell with the hope that music will not always suck... i've been watching for their new album and apparently missed the march release. i was probably listening to something awful at the time. you owe it to yourself to give them a listen...

great lake swimmers - palmistry

great lake swimmers - various stages (my favorite... but you'll have to click and then scroll and click again... it's so totally worth it though... and if it's not it's 3 clicks!! you'll live!)

great lake swimmers - song for the angels


while you're out there looking at new music don't forget:
sam beam / iron & wine - always
these united states
dirty on purpose
the decemberists
death cab for cutie

and check out these songs / bands and help me decide whether i love them or not...
the acorn.... you can check them here: my old kentucky blog
sea wolf - the garden that you planted

paul simon could write a book...

or maybe he should just keep making albums

deer tick - still crazy after all these years

i've had this moment... and sometimes i feel like this song is my life... about how things don't change, about how we are destined to repeat our old patterns and when you see that old friend, old love, old life you realize how much you've outgrown it and how nothing seems to have changed at all. it's so hard to know... so hard to ascertain what is growing and how to measure it.

willing... in the morning...

this morning as i woke, a little earlier than i wanted, a little stiffer than i wanted, a little not sure about monday... for no reason. it's just morning and sometimes i don't love it.

this song is the theme... but you might not "get it" until the end of the blog... and for some of you not even then... just kidding dave...

linda ronstadt - willing



so i help a certain someone put on her new cupcake tights for school - fucking cupcake tights... seriously it's sooo cute... who wouldn't love wearing cupcake tights to school? i mean everyone should maybe wear a pair of cupcake tights just to feel a little pretty and fancy...

anyway so i come downstairs and think about going back to bed after she is safely at school and then i see the best thing that has happened to me in forever... my coffee is already made!!!!! i finally got one of those coffee makers that has a timer and it's the best $20 i ever spent... i cannot stress enough how great it makes your morning to just have that one thing done... to just pour your coffee instead of sleep walking around the kitchen and then impatiently waiting for it to brew just thinking the whole time about how much it sucks to be awake and how if you didn't have to make your stupid coffee you would be 2 things: 1. not addicted to caffeine and 2. still in bed.

so as i'm sitting down with my first cup o coffee for the day i see the following in an email from cody...

HearVox News Audio, art, & cultcha blog

« Bale Out | HV NEWS |

More Travel Tips

By JW 2009.02.08 tags: travel, travel tips.

Travel Tips
Contributions to a growing list:

#136 Sandals are not the best thing to wear for hiking through a tropical forest to grassy, steep ocean cliffs after two days of heavy rain—no matter how much they look like ones Jesus would have worn.

#34 Those most interested in history are those about to become it. Try to take an interest no matter your age.

#156 If you hear “The Gambler” playing, run. Run away. Something is horribly wrong, will be, or ought to be.

#35 Good traveling is making sure you say, “wow, what’s that?” more than “I remember when that was a…

you can find the full text here: http://hearingvoices.com/news/2009/02/more-travel-tips/

which just makes me laugh and laugh...

then i remember about the eels... and i remember this thought... this line from another blog (also pointed out by cody) and how it just made me think for awhile...

""i was thinkin' bout how everyone is dying, and maybe it's time to live" in "p.s. you rock my world"). it's a stunning conclusion to this intensely personal, unforgettably emotional story"

you can find the full text here: http://sand-is-overrated.blogspot.com/2008/02/you-think-i-got-it-all-going-my-way.html

ps. the tag line on that blog is: sand is overrated. it's just tiny little rocks. which is hilarious in itself.

and then i get to sit with my third cup of coffee and think about the fact that it's not the dying part that's important.. it's the living. it's the things you do between the being born and the dying that changes absolutely everything. it's what you do and how you do it. sometimes it's not the good things that define you, sometimes it's not the bad things that define you either. sometimes you have to define yourself by how you accept and love yourself despite the good things and the bad things. i'm going to be 33. i'm not proud or happy about everything i've done... i'm not sad or disappointed in everything i've done. lately the list of pros and cons is equal. i've accepted that others have lists of pros and cons that look similar. people are not a snapshot of one moment. they are a sum total of all the parts.

i don't know what that means really... no matter how long i stare at the screen and think about it... it's hard to really grasp. it's really hard to not let myself use the old phrases and definitions... to judge myself with startling harshness just to feel the sting and know that no matter what anyone else says about me that i've already been harder on myself than they could ever be. it's hard to say something nice to myself and feel okay with it. perhaps though it's somewhere in between the two.

perhaps i can allow those things to fade into the background and only make a judgement about today and right now... perhaps in this moment between being born, reborn, giving birth and whatever dying means i can just let this moment be the moment. let it just be right now... and just go my own way. perhaps in this moment i can accept that this life and my path are only my own. this is my collection of things - smoothed well worn happy memories and jagged sharp painful memories.... it's all mine and if i spend all my time in the past i'm not making any new memories. i'm wasting this moment... and my hope is that i'm adding things to the good memory list... like buying cupcake tights to make a little girl happy with the way she looks today and always being able to look back and see her happy face, having a good conversation last night with a dave who got to eat free tacos and remembering that friendship is solidified and cemented through lots of things... even if i am an international fugitive now, like reading cody's email and remembering the summer that held vanilla sky. these things are my landscape this morning. the rest of it... well it's in the trash bin with my old coffee maker that makes you actually push a button to make coffee.

sometimes you have to still be willing... regardless of what that means... and i'm choosing to be willing to live the life i want. i'd rather be in the business of realizing the happiness with each day is set on "auto" and is waiting for me each morning. i don't even have to do anything... i can just wake and enjoy. which sounds awful chipper doesn't it? ...it must be the pre-made coffee...

it's not unusual

it's not unusual for me to fall in love with bands... i can't help it. i know it's been a long time since i've felt it necessary to go on and on about something... the last one may have been nick rallis and i totally still love him... but that isn't what this is about. it is however about this amazing band that has me dancing around and listening to the same songs over and over again... with butterflies in my stomach like i get from the amazing sam beam. (let's not even go into the thing i have about him... sigh... i'm just saying i totally love him)

the important thing to know is sometimes you find a band and music that makes your heart happy... not the impermanent happy like you get from three jameson and ginger ales or from the forward about what an idiot john mccain is or even the temporary happiness that you achieve when you get naked with someone you're not sure you like for all the wrong reasons.... i'm talking serious happy like spending time with friends around campfires, listening to jason anderson live, hugging a friend you haven't seen in a long time, eating earl grey ice cream and the kind of happy that makes waking up in the morning seem like a cake walk. this band is that... for no reason other than they have clever lyrics, sing along melodies and ingenius layers of music and instrumentation that will make your toes taps and your heart leap around at the beauty and perfection of finding artists that get it... after being bombarded with crap from the pop music machine that drives out all the things that create the wonder of music you will be happy on a fundamental level to find this band. additionally there were good beards in the pictures, witty "influences" on myspace and they like this american life. seriously... it's like they are just for me and you in some cosmic wonder of serendipity.

so here they are.... the best thing since the apricot walnut sliced bread i had as toast last weekend. they might even be better than crushed ice... well no... but they are totally better than slurpees and i promise you will want to buy albums and show tickets and maybe even better speakers for your computer...

These United States:


so here is what you must do.... must must must... no bullshit whiney excuses like "i'm too busy for wonderfully written amazing music that will change my life for the better"

1. go to myspace and add them immediately: These United States - Myspace or go to their website These United States

2. listen to these and love them... i will only leave them up for a few days and then you'll have to listen on myspace.....

- i removed the mp3s... you'll have to go to myspace... too late sucka -


3. love them as i love them

4. buy their latest album or all the albums or tickets to a show or me one of those fancy t-shirts in black and white (girls' size medium)... it will go great with the new steady as she goes tattoo (will be new when i'm in ct in october) and my new anchor belt buckle (which is new thanks to some sort of secret admirer as of last week...).

see how simple it is to make your life better and make me a happy girl?

sunday morning playlist

it's 3 am and i can't sleep due to an ill-timed accidental nap. so here is a playlist: (just click that great little play button and listen to what i'm listening to right now)

and here is what i have to say:

it snowed and snowed today... left about 8 inches on the ground... which is too much snow to really enjoy all at once considering that there wasn't a speck of snow on the ground this morning. when there is a big winter storm and the snow is built up in banks outside the house i get that nesty settled insulated feeling that comes with winter. some people call it lazy... i call it insulated.

so many things have changed this week... i'm tired from thinking through all of the options and the possibilities. i suppose that really i just have to make my decisions and live with them. i find it's the living with them that is difficult. i'll be honest in saying that i really really don't want to live in arizona despite all the good things that are there. i am thankful and grateful for my friends and family there and happy to get to have a different kind of life but my heart is elsewhere. so i have to choose between my heart and what i think is right fundamentally... and we all know i'll choose what i think is right.

following our heart is dangerous. let this just be my next excuse for why i don't do certain things. why i don't make that big gesture. it would end badly anyway i'm sure... so i suppose we can just call it quits from the start. i would love to discuss it further here. i would love to say so many things and explain all the minute details of what makes me smile and hopeful but it's not fit for public discussion yet. they are a collection of intentions, unspoken questions, glimpses, deep breaths and quiet contentment swelling between my ribs. it's still a secret. my secret. and apparently a secret i plan on keeping so mum is the word 'round here.

i will say that sometimes i think that the future is closer than you or i realize... that perhaps the future is currently here. that if i really wanted i could just reach out and touch it. sometimes i just want to stand and let snowflakes fall in my hair and on my tongue without moving forward even an inch. i want to let everything be still and quiet and sparkly white around me without having to do or change anything. those moments make me think the world is slowing down just long enough for me to savour those details that i keep to myself.

mmmmm.... snowflakes and savoury details.... it's enough to keep a girl warm despite the temperature.

not mattering matters... a little bit at least

song in my head this morning: elliot smith - needle in the hay

this morning. on the morning after finding myself again. a lost version of myself i moved away from and then discarded as if it was an old coat. i look at myself. i see myself. i see what i truly am. all the old things rush up and sting my eyes and nose like tears but different. acceptance and relief at finding that even when i run away and work hard to become someone different there is that old face the old touchstones waiting here for me. waiting here in the morning. my coffee cooling beside me. my tattoos starting to look aged and faded. my dreams and hopes weights that alternately weigh me down and lift me up to see just far enough to take the next step. there is something nice in knowing friends, knowing people who have been in my life long enough to let me leave them and then circle back on myself to be accepted back into the warmth of love. there is something comforting in finding that after all this time i still have a place. sometimes i feel like a kaleidescope of versions of myself - fragments that laid out on the table would never make a pattern or beauty but reflected and sharp in a tunnel of self-knowledge is an amazing collage. it's beautiful and transient. i finally recognize that there are people in the world that know me and accept me without qualifiers and quantifiers. they do not push me to become something i am not. they know that i am simply me. flawed and imperfect but strong and brave. they trust that i will become and move forward but IF i didn't. if i never became anything but this version of myself they would welcome and accept me. what a gift. what a thing to find. the best thing about it is that it doesn't matter. it doesn't matter at all. because there is no competition to see who is the best, the most loved, the most put together or the most well-adjusted. there is just that kaleidescope and my vision and for this morning, for this great moment, that is enough. it's finally enough.

the morning playlist is below. it's a sunday morning tribute to connecticut and to a time of blackness that brought sparkling truths into view. gems discarded by others that we found while not worrying about what other people thought. there is power in that - not caring and not mattering enough to simply become what we were meant to become.

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morning playlist 10 - 27

song in my head this morning: opus 23 - dustin halloran

morning playlist is below but i have to add it's a special saturday edition dedicated to jason in alaska.... love him... i wish we were hanging out today... but this will just have to do for now...

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morning music 10/26

song in my head when i woke up this morning: things we do for love - 10cc

morning playlist is here:

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just gonna say... and sometimes i'm a little slow so everyone else may have already started doing this.... in itunes just go to your main library and then search for a word... any word... i just did paper and then you have a playlist ready made with a theme... it's kind of awesome...

morning music 10/25

song in my head this morning: social distortion - story of my life

morning playlist:

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morning music 10/24

song in my head this morning: kelly joe phelps - taylor john

morning playlist here: (by the by... i think this morning is my favourite yet! there is some stevie wonder at the end that makes it impossible to have a bad day after listening to it... i can still picture cody dancing to it even when he's super super tired...)

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off to enjoy my new hair and the gym.

morning music 10/23

song in my head when i woke up this morning: 1234 - feist

morning playlist is here:

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song lyrics i'll be singing all day in my head: paper bag - fiona apple

laugh out loud moment this morning: a conversation with craig
me: i get no cell-io around here
up in this bitch if you will
craig: i totally will


more later

morning music 10/22

song in my head this morning when i woke up: who knew - pink

morning playlist:

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you can just listen to it right there.

on my way to the gym and to see my new friend. i'll only be here for another week really but it's nice to have someone to hang out with and go to the gym with. plus... if we're all being honest i need to get moving FORWARD with my life. i'm stuck in a rut and i'm sick of it. i'm over it.