the australia version of churchill

my standard quote used to be... 'everything is okay in the end. if it's not okay then it's not the end.'

which was updated to 'don't be sad about the end, it's already tomorrow in australia.'

and now i'd like to amend that further...
Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning.
Sir Winston Churchill

and add to that... it's already tomorrow in australia.

comin' home from cali and this life's so thick that you can hardly swim on through it

it was a long weekend in cali... i'm not ready to talk about it.

i haven't dropped off the face of the earth... i'm just processing the circle of life and what it means to really live. i'm facing what it means to be in my thirties and no longer be a child protected from black news and black days... to have to face what is inevitable about living and about breathing and that is that one day you will cease to do both.

i'm learning, processing, breathing and being grateful for absolutely everything in my life. sometimes when you can do nothing else you can recognize that you get today. there are no other promises and when it has to come down to it... today is enough.

i have pictures to post of trees. i have heartache to blog about. i have things to think about. tonight though, i have to sleep.

and this song is the new cali song... because as dawnielle said today it just makes her happy in her heart. and some days... because she is the one i've known my whole life and more days than not she is the best parts of me... making her happy makes me happy. and i'm grateful for that.

nick rallis and these united states save the day

my ip0d is sorely not me anymore. i hate it when that happens... when suddenly everything you listen to seems to just fit another person or another life. when all the songs remind you of how things used to be like something else or of someone else. suddenly it seems that you have outgrown yourself and you spend a few days wondering what you're going to listen to instead. in truth there is a whole lot of soul searching right before that point but the ip0d is where it's noticed... as if everything was fine until you just can't stand the music you used to love.

i have been on a quest for new things and new ideas... i've been combing hypem.com and every music blog i can find... it's tough going though... not everything is made for loving.

here are some things i have found...
Drag the River - Jeff Black Song

i fell in love with these united states again... specifically the song so high so low so wide so long...
i mean for real... i have a heart pounding sugar coated love thing for them.. like how i feel about mango ice cream. i don't even like ice cream... and yet i love it. i digress...



and if that's not enough to make your heart pitter patter and your face light up at the sheer genius then go here and watch them in the secret garden video:
Hoovesontheturf.com

the music search is probably temporary but while i'm in the throes of missing good tunes feel free to make your suggestions... i'm gettin' desperate here. which i suppose is indicative of more crucial things...

i guess it's something about getting your heart broken... i mean really broken. the kind of heart break that leaves you feeling sort of empty and wondering when it's not going to seem dark. the kind of heart break that only comes from realizing a friend that has been in your life for years has become the worst version of themselves. sometimes addiction and heartache break people and those people just can't honor the good things in their lives. they become thieves and liars. and initially i thought i could forgive it. forgive the theft and the lies. but i cannot. and i don't know what has me so in a funk... i guess simply the loss of the friendship. just in case you've been reading along these past few weeks and wonder what i'm on about lately... i've had to face that a friend is so addicted to their negative vices that he is not able to be anything but a liar. and it has broken my heart.

not like "that"... i have a boyfriend. i always have. we have been on again and off again for years. he's a really good boy. the best kind. he allows me to fall in love with bands and to have my own life - blogging and talking about all these obscure things, to raise my child, to be the person i want to be, to make mistakes, to succeed, to have male friends that break my heart. he supports me and sends me sweet text messages first thing in the morning. he writes me poetry, sings to me (well, he would if i asked him to and does spontaneously sometimes) and if i let him he would even make me banana pancakes. it's so strange that being loved by my best friends, my lover and my family doesn't change how crappy i feel about being betrayed. i suppose all i can continue to do is study for my calculus exam and then wrap myself up in my covers and listen to nick rallis. up loud.

loud enough that it doesn't matter that i found out last what everyone else seemed to know... drug addicts and alcoholics that don't want recovery cannot be saved no matter how much you love them. and while they are stubbornly un-recovered they are ticking time bombs waiting to go off and then lie to everyone to avoid taking responsibility. jameson anyone?

my life just changed

if we were looking at each other i would just gasp, shake my head and click on this link without talking but still looking at you will raised eyebrows while indicating with my body language that somehow you are an idiot for not knowing about this song and for listening to it repeatedly on your ip-Od and on your computer.

go change your own life... and then listen to all the other things i love to....

Cory Adams - Sloop John B

from the site: How Marvellous

two-fer

if you love yourself at all... go here and listen to this right now... it's so musically interesting and strangely haunting... and it makes my heart happy also.

Laura Tsaggaris - Oops! I did it again...

btw - i have a directly proportional relationship to cover lay down

it's very simple really

you don't know what you need...



face to face - disconnected

it's still such a fucking good song. and it makes me happy. happier than a lot of other things. infact i have found today that there are many things that have an inverse proportional relationship to my happiness.

in fairness.... inverse proportional relationships are my new favorite thing.

yesterday, today, tomorrow

strange things have been in the works... it feels like change and for once i think change is good. it just seems like although i am in the same place and doing the same things and not planning on changing anything that there are things in my life changing despite myself. things dying and things renewed and gain and loss and things without tally or without definition.

one of the things changing is love. learning and relearning what it means to love, be loved and to lose love. the other changing is letting go. learning and relearning what it means to let go, to be released and not be lost in the midst of it.

i woke up this morning and thought that i would like to be shown about love and about letting go and then... without warning jay sent the following websites to me:

love letters

and

so there

you should go to them both and then love jay. i went, i read, i will keep going back, and i love him more than unicorns. (specifically more than i love unicorns but also possibly more than unicorns love him... either way you want to read that... they're both true)

here is an excerpt from so there:

I want you to know that I've always loved you. I've cherished your name, relished in your presence, sighed with poignant love at your voice. Such elegance in your awkward body; I know love's hymn lies somewhere in your soul, if you would only sing it.

Though I believe we will never be more than strong, loving friends, I want you to know I will always look to you differently. It doesn't seem right to leave you in the dark, not knowing someone has such strong feelings for you.

I'm scared. I don't think I have the strength if you reject me. I don't think I have the courage to send this letter.

limitless possibilities

i appreciate... the opportunity of the possibility. i appreciate the definition of myself that i see reflected in the most true and honest body of water around. i appreciate what i learn about myself when i am challenged. these things give me limitless possibilities. and therefore limitless opportunity.

i think that is a good thing.

a saturday affair

yesterday we were out and about... and enjoying the day. i got a little burnt and ate too much frozen lemonade but we had a great time. ahh... the end of spring break.

back to work for me.

is it just me?

is it just me or is there a serious suckage going on right now in music?

you know i love the bands i love - iron & wine, these united states, grace potter and the nocturnals, dustin ohalloran, dirty on purpose... coldplay, damien rice, tori amos, oar, david gray, great lake swimmers, jason mraz, death cab for cutie, modest mouse, the arcade fire... these are the artists that are most frequently listened to on my ip0d... i love others... but they are on my top playlist.

i'm always searching for new things... hypem.com changed my life... but recently i haven't found anything...

it's like everyone is all about some weird rock that doesn't even make sense, 70s remakes with belle and sebastian whispering over weird shit or very hyped over produced crap. ugh.

today on page 12 of what music bloggers are raving about i found this:

clatter clatter - downpour.... yep just click right there...

then page 14 brought this effing gem... i might love this band... if by might i mean i'm pretty sure i really really do..

pree - heaven is a drag.... yep just click again...

wanted...

wanted...
1. one afternoon by a river in connecticut. i've got the place if you've got the time.
2. one day with cody, to read, talk, sing, laugh and just be together.
3. a first edition of atlas shrugged.
4. a time machine
5. an internship for the summer
6. tickets to see sam beam live
7. a week of porch time in the valley to get my head and my heart right
8. another perspective
9. a friend to hold my secrets
10. everything ever written by chuck plahniuk
11. an evening in new york to see the dalai lama speak
12. a bike to ride in missoula montana
13. stationary to write some apologies
14. more energy
15. a new pair of sunglasses
16. to not have found my 3rd grey hair
17. a cabin in the woods
18. a plane ticket
19. earl grey ice cream

paul simon could write a book...

or maybe he should just keep making albums

deer tick - still crazy after all these years

i've had this moment... and sometimes i feel like this song is my life... about how things don't change, about how we are destined to repeat our old patterns and when you see that old friend, old love, old life you realize how much you've outgrown it and how nothing seems to have changed at all. it's so hard to know... so hard to ascertain what is growing and how to measure it.

once upon a time

once upon a time i came across a poetry book that was a compilation of authors, styles etc... and it had the most exquisite poem in it. i wrote in my journal the following in reference to it.

"a red sun stains the lake like colored glass. Day is stopping." - Kayaks, pg. 425

i wrote it to myself as a reminder to return when i could.

i have often thought of that poem like an old lover, a set of sheets that i loved, the phone number of my friend in 6th grade named ian, my lost teddy bear from when i was 9 ... named bearspot...

there are things in the world we lose and we know where they go... our innocence, virginity, money, common sense... and there are things that we lament... relationships, the perfect mixed cd, opportunities.

then there are things that we long for. this poem, in it's entirety is one of those things for me.

angus and julia stone

if you do one thing you should go to this music blog and listen to these two songs... i don't know a lot but i know that the voices and something about how the words fall make this a must love...

!Tashed - Blog - Angus and Julia Stone

just to be clear

disambiguate

verb (used with object), -at⋅ed, -at⋅ing. to remove the ambiguity from; make unambiguous

disambiguation

noun

clarification that follows from the removal of ambiguity

unicorns are my favorite

am⋅big⋅u⋅ous

1.	open to or having several possible meanings or interpretations; equivocal: an ambiguous answer.

2.	Linguistics. (of an expression) exhibiting constructional homonymity; having two or more structural descriptions, as the sequence Flying planes can be dangerous.

3.	of doubtful or uncertain nature; difficult to comprehend, distinguish, or classify: a rock of ambiguous character.

4.

lacking clearness or definiteness; obscure; indistinct: an ambiguous shape; an ambiguous future. sometimes it seems in life that things don't get more clear... they get more blurred and more confused. i wish that there was a way to just understand... to make things in nice neat compartments with sealed lids and explanations. ambiguity isn't my favorite thing. unicorns however kind of are.

i don't know what this is... but i love it

seriously... this is mesmerizing and it makes me sad and happy at the same time:

http://lonely.prevvy.com/

yesterday

my friend ryan were walking from one place to another on campus. we pass the "commons" and there are like 6 girls / women up on stage with microphones and loud speakers. i hear one girl say "thongs are the worst" over her microphone and i look at ryan.
me: what the hell is that?
ryan: you didn't hear they're doing the vagina monologues on campus today?
me: jesus.
chick over loudspeaker: if my vagina could talk it would say...

then the doors to the library close behind us
me: if that chick's vagina could talk it would say "shut up! you're embarrassing me."

for the incredibly helpful jay

the band we fell in love to... azure ray..

i appreciate you. i'm so glad we're "it's complicated" and that we were once married on myspace. you make my computer happy... although it is is somewhat disorganized still....

let's see each other soon and have a snowball fight and make s'mores and have a pillow fight and do each other's hair...

i'm not ready to make nice....

dixie chicks... not ready to make nice


i realize that i have asked for forgiveness from people and i have been fortunate enough that i have always received it... for the most part and usually in a way that is constructive and helpful for continuing my life.

i've thought a lot over the past few days about what forgiveness means and what it should be about...

–verb (used with object)

1.	to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.

2.	to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.).

3.	to grant pardon to (a person).

4.	to cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one's enemies.

5.	to cancel an indebtedness or liability of: to forgive the interest owed on a loan.

–verb (used without object)

6.	to pardon an offense or an offender.

"in general, forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentments and thoughts of revenge. Forgiveness is the act of untying yourself from thoughts and feelings that bind you to the offense committed against you. This can reduce the power these feelings otherwise have over you, so that you can a live freer and happier life in the present. Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you. Forgiving isn't the same as forgetting what happened to you. The act that hurt or offended you may always remain a part of your life. But forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help you focus on other, positive parts of your life. Forgiveness also doesn't mean that you deny the other person's responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn't minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act."

and i believe that forgiveness itself is important and should be offered to anyone who is willing to say they are sorry and earnestly request it. i really believe that. no matter what the offense is or how it seems to be difficult. forgiving is part of being the person i want to be.

and so i offer you this... the specific you, not the royal you, who is asking for forgiveness and called me tonight to tell me about how you think about me and how you feel... i forgive you. not for you but for me. there is no ill-will from my side of the continental united states.

however i'm not ready to make nice. i'm not ready to talk about it or hear about how you are doing or what is going on with you. i'm just not. i wish i was and that i could just wave a magic wand and make this divide between us disappear.... but i can't. there isn't that kind of magic in the world and to be honest i'm not sure that is the best thing for me. i'm still trying to process and understand what has happened and why.

i'm still trying to get my head around how you thought this was my fault. i'm still trying to put it in perspective and be able to understand what all this means in the scope of the here and now. i haven't even begun to look at what it means in the future.

and god does it sting. it all sucks. i'm not happy about our current state either. this is the last thing i wanted but avoiding is only going to cause that false premise in the future and more issues for us to dissect and worry about in years to come. additionally i'm hoping that you might take this time to understand your part in all of this.

so i can say that for now radio silence is in effect... until further notice. i don't know when that notice will be or what needs to happen before then. you'll be the second person to know when i'm ready to talk to you... i'll of course be the first. in the meantime let's not do the thing where you call me to talk about it. i know for sure or fo' sho' as the kids say that it doesn't feel good.

i wish you well on your journey. take care of yourself. take care of what you need to take care of. i'll be doing the same here.... and working in earnest to be at peace with all that our story has become.