i'm going to say this again...

i'm going to say this again because:
a. it's ridiculous
b. it makes no sense
c. i feel like i have to admit my sins against good music... absolve myself for loving really really bad music

i still love this song and the lyrics... just give it a listen and tell me you don't dance at all, feel a twinge, want to at least swing your finger in time to the beat or kinda sing along... it's like crack. i seriously can't stop.... the listening not crack... duh... crack kills... remember?

does this make me a double agent?

so i'm going to let the general public in on a few secrets and it may make me a double agent... or a whistle blower... or just an asshole... all of which i am completely comfortable with.

next let's get down to business and then relate it back to you and me... because in fairness that's what we do here. i talk about me and you read and see if you agree or disagree with my words. i get the big box because i made the page and you get the small box to say whatever else you would like. i think that's pretty fair.

so the truth of the matter is that women, girls, females, members of the species with vaginas and boobs are crazy. they crawl down into this canyon called the canyon of crazy and then they cry about things that are not logical. sometimes they can't help it - it's a hormonal thing or they are having a moment of stress. just like when boys, men or members of the species with penises say really stupid insensitive things... you don't mean it and we try to forgive you. i hope no one reading this is surprised about these statements... and save your comments about how you are the exception to the rule because there is no exception to the rule. honestly. this broad generalization includes even me. now i know you are shocked that i am not perfect. i know you are surprised that i don't have a track record of perfect actions, thoughts and behaviours. yeah. i know. i'm disappointed too. so are my parents.

so my particular brand of crazy... which i've spent years working through with a laundry list of not very qualified therapists, boyfriends that hurt as much as they helped, friends that listened and had no answers for me... since they're all crazy too and lastly a weird mix of strangers and acquaintances that happened to see or be involved in my climb into or out of the canyon of crazy.... anyway, my particular brand is an especially nasty version... and every once in a awhile it pops up it's ugly dragon head.

sometimes i'm even filled with the urge to drunk dial in the middle of the night or write long blogs disclosing all of my problems and issues and the roots of them... sometimes like right now when i am five drinks into my snow bound evening in kearney, nebraska i actually get a twinge of an emotion i don't have much experience with and i certainly don't understand... envy. (different than jealousy mind you...) on that note i will leave you with this little nugget of awesomeness:

finding my path to the future intertwined with my past

a playlist dedicated to the year we graduated from high school:

i have long suspected that long portions of my life... significant portions have been lost to the sands of time... i don't really know what i mean by lost. perhaps those days have been blocked from my memory, perhaps the indiscretions of those years has done some sort of permanent damage or perhaps it is the natural progression of things... to forget our childhood and our past as we grow into something bigger and sometimes better.

i think back to those times and cringe. i think about all the things i didn't know. i think about all the things that were looming in my future. i think about all the shit that lays between where i am now and those days.

i suppose that the most accurate thing to say is that i survived those years. barely. i attempted and almost succeeded at self destruction. now it seems so strange. how painful and real the demons and dragons were. i'm surprised i made it. i'm surprised that i am who i am.

those things... a string of bad boyfriends that did their best to perpetuate my unhealthy ideas about myself, a string of bad choices that left me estranged from my family and my roots, a string of circumstances that were so in my control and yet so far from my control... a string of years that i've chosen to put behind me because i couldn't quite figure out how to go through them.

on this side of things and on the cusp of returning to the places of my near spiritual, emotional and mental demise i feel something creeping up. i feel regret, embarrassment and an urge to put things to right. could i go back in time and find all those old things and undo them? could i go back and face those demons? could i perhaps put them behind me for good and become closer to being the person i've wanted to be all these years?

things are uncertain from where i sit... in des moines with the threat of snow keeping me here... all i can do is move forward as i have always done.... hope that after all these years when the memories come floating back that all the places i've gone - inside myself and geographically have prepared me for my next step.

phoenix (now pronounced fa-ho-nix)....

roads and homes...

hard to say what i'm feeling... hard to express my mood. is tired a mood? they say the road to hell is paved with good intentions and i have a car full of stuff and good intentions ready to leave in the morning. the disconnect from my friends and family feels palpable. i suppose it's the mode i get into each time i leave somewhere. i'm not sure if it's an official known fact but... i leave well. i'm good at leaving. i'm great at departures. i guess i've done it so many times in my life that it's second nature to pull everything into my head for processing later.there are flutters of nervousness in my stomach. i'm not really sure what that is all about except the obvious. brakes, what it will be like on the other side, how the camping will be and if it will all go smoothly. perhaps there isn't much to say beyond these few lines.

i'm sure everyone knows the drill... i'll see you on the other side... the west coast as it were... i'll try to give a call when i have nothing but road in front of me and sun shining. i'll try to take pictures of myself, oddities and trees. i'll journal the old fashioned way for the next few days if i can't blog here and post whatever i come up with when i get to shannon's house.

i'm now stealing from mackenzie

i totally stole this from mackenzie... you should be her friend... she is awesome... and i apparently steal from her so you now know what kind of fucking friend i am. lucky mackenzie KNOWS what a dragon looks LIKE... so she knows i've sunk pretty low in christmases past and perhaps she won't be so disappointed in me based on the fact i didn't get her fired this year...

i you never listen to anything else i ever say in my whole life you must listen to this one thing...
WATCH THE VIDEO BELOW... it's fucking magical and wonderful and just changed my life.



oh and you can find mackenzie here: mackenzie on myspace

some roadtrip advice... to myself... or you...

as i start this blog the playlist is playing in my ears and i have to admit the sound of the bass from the shins makes me want to dance a little...

not the kind of dancing that you do when you are out and aboot but the kind where you are sitting somewhere and you kind of shake your hips to the beat... sometimes we even move our head with it and make it a whole upper body kind of dance. a chair dance if you will. the dance you do in the car with the radio cranked while you're driving on the highway. perhaps even while you are driving there are miles peeling away and although you're on your way to a destination it seems like forever lays between you and there. sometimes there is a break in the monotony of the landscape that catches your eyes for just a second. a horse, an old farmhouse, a tractor rusting in a field, a sign with something bizarre written in red paint or just a tree that is outstretched and welcoming as if a picnic beneath it's branches would be welcomed and appreciated. your eyes snap back to the dotted line in front of you and you continue to drive. you think abstractly about life. about the things you've done. about where you've been. about the people you know. about the things you hope to do. about what you think all those things mean. you wonder if you are hungry or have to pee because there is a small town on the horizon. chances are you want to stop but somehow you just keep driving because we can't stop in every small town in america otherwise we'd never get anywhere now would we?

sometimes you do stop. you pull over and go to little restaurants like the wheat montana deli
or a little truck stop that has a bored clerk ringing up purchases beneath a dirty shirt and a flat smile. in those truck stops it's nice to wander the aisles for a few minutes and really see what it is that they have to offer. it gives a nice break from the constant stream of questions and thoughts that seem to have taken over the car. sometimes you chide yourself in an annoyed voice about how you should just stop worrying about so much and relax. enjoy the drive and whatnot. sometimes you tell yourself to shut the fuck up and buy a gatorade even though there is already one in the car... or a fountain soda even though they aren't good for you and you don't even really like them.

here is what i have to say to you. yes the chair / car dance is cute and yes all the questions are somewhat annoying. i understand that if you have to spend 5 days or so not speaking to anyone but yourself that you may get a little sick of yourself no matter how funny or interesting you are. what i don't understand is why you can't just enjoy the silence. wait for big ideas and thoughts to come to you. perhaps this time is better spent contemplating the space / time continuum or a clean energy source. why do we have to revisit the old shit? the old disappointments? the old ideas that have been discarded because they aren't applicable to our current life? i know you don't really want to leave for this destination and i know you have been somewhat homesick for connecticut. there is nothing anyone can do about these things. you simply have to move forward. you have to. we're taking a positive attitude and pretending that everything is fine because in all fairness possession is 9/10ths of the law and if motion and attitude invade your mind you'll have no choice but to be positive.

in fact i'll go out on a limb and say that this next roadtrip is just what you need to be able to process the last few months. there is a value in being disconnected... off the grid if you will... there will be some camping in iowa / nebraska and then you'll be with the lovely lala. between lala and phoenix there is another 1000 miles or so and perhaps there will be another night spent camping... although i hope not in albuquerque because you know how we feel about that place. it's not that it's bad... it's just that it's well... boring like a huge strip mall but not the good kind with a secret restaurant tucked into the corner or a little shop in which you can buy stationary that you'll never write letters on but the bad kind that has check cashing places and curio shops. god we hate curio shops. not antique shops mind you... just curio shops. we love old stuff and really are bored and disgusted by new shiny things that clutter lives and shelves... there isn't enough room in your life for new things to clutter anything considering all the old things we're still carrying around and moving from state to state.

on that topic; perhaps while you're on your roadtrip if you have time between melodies from the shins and little chair dances you may want to think about some of those old things and try to get them all worked out in your head. you may even want to stop in some small towns along the way and see if there is anything there that will somehow explain how it is that you are where you are and why the hell you're doing it.

guilty pleasure....

i have to admit two things:
1. i secretly love this song
2. i don't care who knows
just listen to it once all the way through and then tell me you don't like it at ALL... there is something about it..... maybe it's her lyrics and the fact she refers to the idea that we always get what we ask for and what we deserve. i don't know but it makes me happy...

new music saturday

in case you wonder on a real level what this means... i'll explain. i go through about 300 songs from the top music blogs the past week and choose what i can stand to listen to. that doesn't mean that it's the only good stuff out there. it just means that it's stuff i think is good and worth a listen to. i'll add that this week with the impending crisis known as christmas upon us i had to wade through so much shitty fucking holiday music i thought i might give up... i seriously hate christmas music - on the radio, internet, in stores and in the house. but that is besides the point... the point is that here is this week's new music.

ps - i really wanted the peaches - fuck the pain away to make this list this week but the song still sucks. i love the title and hate the song... i don't think there is a blog for that... or is there? hmmm

great lake swimmers - your rocky spine
meg baird - do what you gotta do
anna ternheim - i'll follow you tonight
the swimmers - pocket full of gold
modest mouse - missed the boat

and yeah i know that last one isn't new... i know already... but i just started loving it... so it counts

you must love this

i'll be honest... this song does something inside me... i have a better sounding m4a on my computer but i can't find one on the 'net to let y'all listen to...

a playlist, a mood, a novel of sorts..

so the way it's been going lately i've been publishing a blog and a playlist a day. i'd like to make it a blog, a playlist and a picture at some point but seeing as i'm preparing for a move and transition i think the picture thing may have to wait awhile.... we'll see how things go. for now here is the playlist:

the strange thing about the play list is that not even i know whats going to be on it until i sit down to write and then whatever music feels right as i'm putting these words down is what ends up playing in the background. even if it seems like you don't like what is on there you should listen... just so you get the whole thing... you know the "thing"... the ambiance, the scene... the whatever the fuck i'm trying to create here besides a chronicle of my days. also sort of interesting to me as i'm working on this version (the third incarnation of my "blog") is that i no longer plan what i'll say during the day. i sit down and spend time and let it all flow... whatever comes to mind i talk about.

even when i think of what is here i'm a little weirded out... it's my words, my actions, my thoughts and all my shit on the internet... i don't know if you know but that's huge.
'pardon my french sir but it's a big ass' ... world. sometimes i wonder to myself if there is value to documenting the crazy shit that cycles in my head, my moods and my perspectives. i spend a lot of time analyzing, processing and thinking and it seems too big for me sometimes. i sometimes wonder who on earth will ever want to know how i made the decisions that i did by reading a day to day record of how i got there...

i thought perhaps that tonight instead of going on and on about whatever is in my head i would instead put the latest finished (sort of chapter) piece of what we are at this point referring to as a novel of sorts... i think one person may have already read this and so it will be disappointing to him but in fairness he disappointed me tonight with perhaps the most disturbing thing i've ever processed or seen in my life... my whole life... and i've seen some pretty fucked up shit. so for the rest of you who aren't bad bad bad friends i give you what is below...

perhaps before we get there we should note that this is just a portion of the chapter and the overall novel of sorts that is STILL unfinished because i'm lazy and stuck in my writing... a whole other topic... and it is NOT about me... and that you may like or not like what you read. that's fine. i'm interested in your opinion... maybe....

Chapter 7 ?
Part 1: "It seemed so ridiculous. There was no way I could keep a baby. Even knowing that I wasn’t ready for that responsibility I fantasized about running away and never speaking to him again. The sweet baby with his hair and eyes growing inside me. The child that we had created in a city full of sunlight and history. How I would raise a child alone – bravely – and in the end I would know I had done the right thing. That was the truth. I knew I was doing the wrong thing. I was sinning against the hope and the comfort I had found in him. I was taking the memory of Mac that had been given to me in the years after he left and sullying it with poor decision making. I was ashamed of who I had become.

I began to stay awake all night because I had nightmares of Mac not loving me anymore once he knew what I had done. I felt sure that if Mac was watching he would despise me. I was throwing away a glimmer of hope and a life that wasn’t mine to discard. Without the comfort of sleep I sat on the porch each night just to watch the dawn and make a list of all the things I had become; the list came down to a fairly concise summary. Liar, hypocrite, and failure. I recited those words to myself through all my other daily tasks, only broken by the interior monologue in which I would tell Finn that I didn’t care what he thought and I would choose instead to make myself happy.

The night before I was to pick up the prescription for RU486 I couldn’t stand to think of him, and yet I knew that at some point I would have to face him and talk to him. He hadn’t called and as I lay in bed I silently cursed him for telling me things that had given my hope, he had said he wouldn’t leave me that he would stand by me. I had chosen this because I knew it was best for him. I knew then that he wasn’t what I thought, and that I had made a mistake but it was too late to go back on my word now. I fell asleep for the last night with both hands on my belly. As I drifted off to sleep I cursed him and repeated my new mantra to myself – liar, hypocrite, and failure.

The morning was grey, as if it knew what was in store. I woke before the alarm and watched the minutes tick by with my hand on my abdomen. I had not prayed in years but I prayed now; asking God or Buddha or the Universe to secure a painless and easy death for my baby. I knew that once I got up there would be no saving myself or the baby that was innocent to an immature father and a cowardly mother. I asked for the strength to turn off my phone and never see him again, I asked for him to be struck dead, and I asked wordlessly for forgiveness for what I knew was the wrong decision.

I dressed slowly, waves of morning sickness washing over me and I prepared myself for the task that was ahead. I called him on my way, and his voice was filled with enthusiasm and relief; just the sound of his voice made my want to slit my wrists. I pictured it completely in my head. Turning my car around, walking up the stairs to my apartment. Taking out a knife and sitting in the claw foot bathtub fully dressed. I imagined pressing it deep into my right wrist first from the base of my palm all the way up to the middle of my forearm and then struggling to complete the same task on my left.

I silently begged for him to understand and relent, or for the strength to admit that I couldn’t go through with this horrible task, but neither came. I arrived at the clinic and forced my legs to carry me inside, at first I believed that I would pick up the prescription and never take it, instead I would disappear and do the right thing but the harsh florescent light and the bleak interior immediately dashed my bravery. The receptionist smiled and gave up the prescription in exchange for $425, I signed two pieces of paper with my hands shaking and turned and walked out."

Part 2: "I stumbled drug laden and semi-conscious into the kitchen and found a note.
“Gone to work. Be back tonight. Stay away from sharp objects, whiskey and pills.”
I would have laughed at his humour if I hadn’t felt dead inside. I would have smiled at the flippant sarcasm if I didn’t think it was somewhat true. He really didn’t want for me to kill myself at work. He hadn’t beaten around the bush or tried to cover up his request.
I went into the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror for the first time in a long time. I saw my hair dull and tangled in a halo of frizzy wisps around my face. I saw the dark circles around my eyes and the empty shine in my eyes. I saw for the first time what a baby killer looked like. I began to weep softly at first and then cry harder as the emotion found an outlet. I held onto the corner of the sink and leaned in close the shiny cold surface of the mirror to see if I could find any trace of Mac inside me.
I only saw myself and my current situation. I only saw a coward and then in a sudden moment my breath caught in my throat. I couldn’t breathe. I felt as if my lungs were on fire and my heart was pounding so hard that it would impale itself on my ribs. Panic rushed into every part of me. It ran to all my limbs and I was completely terrified. Every last part of Mac was dead. He was gone for sure now. I had left him when I was a teen, buried him, found him again in another man, been left and then killed him again with misdirected hope. I had been chasing a person to love me and that I would honour my whole life. I had been looking for a solid trust and love for longer than I could remember and had thrown a perfect love away in exchange for the hope that Finn would love me. A tit for a tat. A trade. A fucking misguided sick idea of what it would take for someone to stop and notice me.
I thought of my father. How he wouldn’t be surprised if he saw me here and knew everything. How he would laugh and enjoy this moment of my complete failure. I thought of Mac and how he would be so sadly and completely disappointed and ashamed of me. How he would look at the ground and then look at me in disgust at this moment of losing myself. I thought of Finn and how he was so pleased with my choice and how he had never loved me. How he would never call me again and was relieved that the worst was over. I realized that I had disappointed myself and the only man I had ever loved and made two other men happy.
The world turned for a second. It went dark around the edges and bright white in the middle. Only my eyes were visible and white spots danced in my line of vision. Without warning there was a loud crack. Stiff sharp pain filled my right fist. The mirror fell in long jagged pieces into the sink and onto the floor. I looked at my knuckles and at the silver glinting piece shoved in between the second and third fingers. I watched maroon velvet liquid well up and then run down both fingers into the sink. When it touched the white cold porcelain the colour changed to a softer red. The small rivers looked like tears dripping from my hand into the drain. I reached over and pulled out the shard with my left hand. The minute it was released from its comfortable nest small spurts flowed more quickly into the sink. I grabbed one of my towels and wrapped it around my hand and walked slowly back to bed.
I woke and it was dark. I smelled the heavy acrid aroma of cigarette smoke and followed it out to the porch. Colin looked up from his Physics book.
“I thought I said stay away from sharp objects.”
“You did. I don’t fucking listen.”
Colin didn’t say anything. Instead he grasped my left hand; the one without dried blood and a gash in it. We sat there quietly until the moon rose high into the sky and the stars danced into the tree tops."

cute hair, good music, great mood

so i got a new haircut and it's even cuter and sassier than the last one. i love love love cute and sassy hair! additionally there are pictures below but first we must take care of the playlist for today! find that below... but beware that i am in a mood for guilty pleasures and some top 40s music... it's my i can't wait to get the fuck on the road mix... and not because i can't wait to get there but because i love road trips:

so i've thrown down the gauntlet that i've never been cuter in my life and i never will. this haircut is my favourite in a long long time... to be honest it's been such a long time since i've loved my hair that i can't stop looking at this new do. maybe that's why i'm so cute because i think i am... they say feeling that way inside makes it look like it on the outside... whatever it is i am so thankful that caroline could fit me in for one last haircut and that she was generous enough to let me copy her super cute hair.

i'm leaving on a road trip on monday. really it's an excited nervous high - i'm leaving WISCONSIN!!! so long suckers and snow and i'm going to be on the road. i love pulling out with all my stuff in the car and being in total control of what happens for the days i'm on the road. remember i'm pretty much no maintenance these days - so camping on the side of the road, sleeping in my car, eating oatmeal or granola bars and fruit and drinking truck stop coffee are things that make me a happy happy girl. add taking self portraits while pulled over in random spots and taking pictures of trees and you have magic as far as i'm concerned. i just can't wait. i can't wait... oh and i think it could go without saying but i won't leave it... cuz well i'm just in that kind of mood... i'll be done with passive aggressiveness and i can officially say "i got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one..." already i can feel myself feeling restless and excited... happy... elated... i'm literally beaming. sometimes it's good to be free right before the shackles are officially locked onto your limbs again... after this it will be back to work until april... but it's been an awesome run -- october 1st to now without working one day. unless you consider dealing with family stress, 10 inches of snow and worrying everyday about how it's possible that everything is going to work out a jobby job. which now that it's all over i really don't... i definitely enjoyed my little hiatus from the slave force that is our economy.

the roadtrip plan goes like this: leave 'sconsin on monday sometime before noon. drive about 9 hours into nebraska - omaha (ish) and find a place to sleep for the night...
tuesday morning get up for some truck stop coffee and then drive about 8 hours into denver... where i will stay tuesday & wednesday with my sister the lovely lala who is great. i plan to have great times with her and meet her kitten optimus prime and then perhaps we'll have some drinks and stay up late talking about everything in the world and how the ocean makes problems seem smaller since it is so so so big. additionally we'll probably take cute pictures of ourselves in sunglasses and make funny faces.
thursday morning ish get up and drive to pueblo to see uncle tony and brigette. stay thursday night in their brand new nice house and have some drinks and good times... plus confirm our cabin reservation for our april trip.
friday morning get up and drive the 11 hours into phoenix and end up at shannon's house just in time for the weekend!
hopefully my cell phone will get fixed on the road - as soon as i can find a t-mobile store - those stupid mother effers. i hate that i have a $400 phone that doesn't do anything except hold phone numbers. it's totally stupid!

so many good good things. new hair, roadtrip and the planning of the april trip to the canyon.

the april trip is an awesome plan and no matter who shows up i'm going. i'm totally going. all the other suckers can sit around discussing if they want to go, if it's too early to plan and all the other sucker details. it may just end up being zach, liam and i. if that's how it all shakes out i think it will still be awesome! we're planning a week with some days up at the family cabin in flagstaff, at least two days hiking and one night in the grand canyon and then MAYBE overnight in vegas.... it's the best of all worlds: activity, a once in a lifetime event, relaxation and VEGAS! what other kind of vacation could you do all those things???? seriously it's four months away and i'm super excited.

so things are good. i have good things in front of me. i have good friends with me. i have good in my heart and i'm finding the good in things instead of being miserable about the changes. it's all a state of mind right? right?? yes. it's all a state of mind. i'm rocking my new hair and an awesome mix of songs while thinking about how everything will work out. it simply will.

journeys require emerson

Be not the slave of your own past. Plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep and swim far, so you shall come back with self-respect, with new power, with an advanced experience that shall explain and overlook the old. - Emerson

despite the fact that i find myself lost in the forest of my life, despite that there are times where my woods are of my own making but no less bewildering and overwhelming than the foreign woods of some uncharted territory, despite the idea that sometimes i cannot see the forest for the trees.... despite these things and even in spite of them i find that i have a true north. my compass always works although my hands sometimes shake, my head sometimes questions my instincts and my body sometimes resists the next step. i have been blessed with a path, a way and a knowledge that within the parameters of this internal barometer i have safety and certainty.

there is also a safety net. it's a good thing for a girl of my age and of my past track record to have. it is a net sturdy safe and trustworthy. i have difficulty expressing my gratitude sometimes... even i struggle for the words that outline how i feel. how do you categorize or identify the swelling pounding deep breathing contentment that comes with safe harbour and with sanctuary? how can i explain in tangible sentences what it feels like to be able to dial a phone number and hear a voice - live or recorded - and share my joy / anger / sadness without fearing judgment or criticism? moreover how i can i put into a line or card how it feels to relieve my chest of that burden and feel all the more whole or sane for being able to really speak freely? can one ever express to another human what it feels like to receive love, respect, sympathy, honour and earnest whole listening?

i can tell you simply that it feels like fresh air swimming into my lungs past a swollen achy love filled heart. it feels as if my chest cannot expand to encompass the sensation.

when others wonder if they are worthy of such greatness... when others strive to understand how that perfection and love came into their lives... i sit and marvel at the gift i have been given. i know in those moments not only am i worthy but that the perfection in my presence is a star guiding me on my journey.

so i continue my message from yesterday... i am grateful. today is an affirmation that i have every reason to be grateful and content.


Whoever is open, loyal, true; of humane and affable demeanour; honourable himself, and in his judgement of others; faithful to his word as to law, and faithful alike to God and man....such a man is a true gentleman. - Emerson

13 years squared

i just realized that my sister, emma and i are 13 years apart squared.... i'm thirteen years older than my sister who is 13 years older than emma.... is that the mark of the beast or something? or is it just fucking lucky?

my sister is one of my favourite human beings... she helped me create uppie doos, is always down to wear some sunglasses with me, trades clothes if i need to, has impeccable taste (just not in men), ate triscuits with me while i was drunk driving about 100 years ago and didn't even get pissed when i ate the best triscuit ever invented, is funny and brilliant - ex. she once convinced ferris that we were squatting at his parent's house and would refuse to leave because "in all fairness... possession is nine tenths of the law", keeps me laughing with her smart ass remarks and her views on the world, is famous for yelling "mom... go to my room!" while drunk and last but not least will always be my lala since that is what she called herself when she was just knee high to a grasshopper.

she understands and loves me without judging or saying and mostly and ever so importantly her inner light... the part of her that sparkles and shines... teaches me to stay in the moment, laugh at myself / others and be patient because in all fairness... we all clearly know... that it's no big deal dude. seriously? seriously!

ramblings about gratitude

during the following somewhat boring ramble you may need the following playlist just to keep you sane...

i admit that even when i write daily here there are days where i struggle to find things to say. it's not bad... it's not that i've had a bad day or am struggling to put things into words... quite the opposite. i've had a great day full of surprises, friendly voices, plans for moving, exciting projects with emma and most of all i have had a day in which i got to be grateful.

gratitude is something that i try to spend a few minutes with each morning. i am so grateful for what i have and the people in my life. i have an amazing five year old with an honest and earnest heart... she is so wise and loving that sometimes it makes my heart ache with swollen pride and overwhelming sappy love. i have wonderful friends that lend their hearts, ears, houses (thanks shannon) and their opinions. i have an opportunity in arizona to make a different kind of life and i am eternally grateful to the two other grown ups in this new parenting situation... it takes a special kind of woman to step in and be absolutely great simply because she is that kind of girl... it takes a good friend to let the past 10 years and everything that has transpired move into the background and focus on what is the present and the forefront. i have been blessed with an extended family that helped emma and i to this point with their love and support... without them we wouldn't have made it this far and into a position to make different choices... and now they are unselfishly letting go so that emma and i can transition into a different situation.

mostly if we are all being honest... i am grateful for good music, glasses of jameson, quiet nights and a heart full of hope. i'm happy the future isn't perfectly laid out or determined. i love adventure and i'm excited to make my own path where there wasn't one before.

memories... but not the good kind...

today's playlist is here... a mix of old good songs and new favourites:

today i found that after all these years i finally found some validation and justification for everything i've ever felt or said about my mother. the moment was so amazing and life changing that i will never forget it. it was all over in about 90 seconds but i don't think i'll ever be able to erase it from my memory bank.... today while in a movie theatre... during the main feature... that was definitely playing... my mother answered her cell phone and then proceeded to have a conversation.

i'll give you a minute to go back and reread that because it's fucking crazy i know... i mean who does that?? seriously? seriously!

i'm not sure who has already heard this story but back in the day but i broke up with a guy that i had been dating for like 6 months for that... seriously. i walked out of the movie and left him at the movie theatre. when he called me (from the movie) to ask me for a ride the only thing i could manage to get out was "this... rela.. tion... ship... is so so so fucking over"... and i meant it.

it's inexcusable. it's so shockingly bad mannered. i understand so much more about my mother tonight. i think i finally see that we are simply different creatures... different kind of people.

there are times in my life when i can remember the past in such brutal colour and vividness that i literally have to close my eyes and turn my head away from the forceful vision in front of me. i go back to those crystal clear moments and explore them as if they are frozen in time. i walk around and see what i can gather from the whole picture. i see my own face and feel what was in my heart. those are not comfortable moments. they pop up sometimes when i least expect them and then i have to shove them away like a bug flying too close to my face or head... impatiently swipe at the air and look up waiting to see if it will make another pass. today will become one of those days in the future - i'll feel my indignation and embarrassment swell up in my throat as my head snaps with cat like reflex to the left and my eyes fly wide open with horror. today will become a red letter day.

perhaps i'm making too much of nothing like the time that i insisted that the president of taco bell should call me at home because they don't make tostadas in connecticut... seriously wtf? it was still on the drive thru menu just to tease and tempt me and their explanation was that they as a state stopped carrying them because the shells broke too easily and it was creating waste. huh? so make a better shell... i fucking love tostadas and shouldn't be penalized for your sub-par shell handling capabilities! but i digress... i was saying that perhaps that i'm making too big a deal of this and i'm willing to accept that but i think this kind of behaviour says something definitive about a person.

i believe strongly that everyone KNOWS what a dragon looks like and this is a particularly ugly species...

sunday morning playlist

it's 3 am and i can't sleep due to an ill-timed accidental nap. so here is a playlist: (just click that great little play button and listen to what i'm listening to right now)

and here is what i have to say:

it snowed and snowed today... left about 8 inches on the ground... which is too much snow to really enjoy all at once considering that there wasn't a speck of snow on the ground this morning. when there is a big winter storm and the snow is built up in banks outside the house i get that nesty settled insulated feeling that comes with winter. some people call it lazy... i call it insulated.

so many things have changed this week... i'm tired from thinking through all of the options and the possibilities. i suppose that really i just have to make my decisions and live with them. i find it's the living with them that is difficult. i'll be honest in saying that i really really don't want to live in arizona despite all the good things that are there. i am thankful and grateful for my friends and family there and happy to get to have a different kind of life but my heart is elsewhere. so i have to choose between my heart and what i think is right fundamentally... and we all know i'll choose what i think is right.

following our heart is dangerous. let this just be my next excuse for why i don't do certain things. why i don't make that big gesture. it would end badly anyway i'm sure... so i suppose we can just call it quits from the start. i would love to discuss it further here. i would love to say so many things and explain all the minute details of what makes me smile and hopeful but it's not fit for public discussion yet. they are a collection of intentions, unspoken questions, glimpses, deep breaths and quiet contentment swelling between my ribs. it's still a secret. my secret. and apparently a secret i plan on keeping so mum is the word 'round here.

i will say that sometimes i think that the future is closer than you or i realize... that perhaps the future is currently here. that if i really wanted i could just reach out and touch it. sometimes i just want to stand and let snowflakes fall in my hair and on my tongue without moving forward even an inch. i want to let everything be still and quiet and sparkly white around me without having to do or change anything. those moments make me think the world is slowing down just long enough for me to savour those details that i keep to myself.

mmmmm.... snowflakes and savoury details.... it's enough to keep a girl warm despite the temperature.

new music saturday

i know it's supposed to be new music friday (when i get around to it) but i'm a slacker sometimes. here are the tracks that i'm loving and listening to... (find them on hypem.com)

Adorable - Glorious which you can listen to here (sorry it's the best i could do)
Dirty on Purpose - Girls and Sunshine
Rogue Wave - Cheaper than Therapy (give this song a minute... literally... it will grow on you)
The Hidden Cameras - Builds the Bone (from the geniuses that created 'Music is my Boyfriend)
J. Tillman - Evans and Falls

while you are out trying new things you should go to this music blog... it's amazing!.....
Captain Obvious

new blog meets a great video and old tunes

so i've undergone a few changes... what do you think? you like? you hate? you think my picture is too fuzzy around the edges? i feel like we're in this together... so let's hear it... unless it's that you hate it and then you can keep your stupid ass opinion to yourself.

while you are thinking about the newness here is a video / song that i am in love with.





currently these tunes / videos are making me happy: ben folds - tiny dancer
and this: jefferson airplane - white rabbit
and this: crosby, stills & nash - teach your children
and this: country joe mcdonald - i feel like - now what does that spell??
and this: dan fogelberg - leader of the band - i'm still a little teary from this one... it gets me every damn time... every single time...

i'm ashamed

i'm ashamed to admit that i love this song: matchbox twenty - how far we've come

while you're here

oh shit

despite the horrible anime... this song is a fucking classic and it's in one of the best movies ever made... bandits... listen to the song and then order the movie from amazon / blockbuster or where the fuck ever... just watch it... immediately.

also

also to the random reader who may think that i am stupid enough to post shit here that i'm worried about other people reading....

a. i'm not stupid
b. i'm fairly certain that there is no one in the world that believes i'm perfect and will be shocked by this information
c. any bad choices i make i happen to make while not in possession of the small child i live with
d. i'm under no fucking delusions of grandeur that i'm immune to criticism
e. get a life...
f. it's the internet and perhaps things aren't as black and white as they may seem from my perspective... also... it turns out that i don't know everything
g. as craig says... it's stupid to get offended by 1s and 0s because that's all the internet is.... a fucking lot of 1s and 0s

also... we shouldn't have to have these conversations about what i wrote on my blog since it falls clearly under the limits of the trifecta which i don't do (the trifecta is back in effecta)

in case we need a refresher... the trifecta: work, crazy, stupid.... i just don't "do" them so go sell crazy somewhere else we're all full up here.

know what's fucking awesome?

there are a few things lately that are fucking awesome so i'll list a few of them for you....
1. crushed ice, sunglasses, jameson
2. this amazing amazing website... seriously check it out http://www.fezlab.com/soundtrack/
3. that once my dear friend craig liked a girl who chose the guy from the neverending story 2 over him... that story is always funny
4. that after a sufficient amount of time has gone by we can effectively recreate the past. here's a great example: wanna do something shitty and then pretend an undisclosed number of years later that you didn't do it? go right ahead. pass your shitty actions off like a silent and stinky fart. then blame everyone else around you... cuz whoever smelt it dealt it right?

which leads me to what is really awesome in relation to #4. i have friends (yes i have friends and more than one of them) that don't do shit like this. i have friends that have integrity and honour. they admit when they are wrong and they learn from their mistakes. they support each other and me through anything. they love and accept and are fucking great human beings. i am proud of them and i am fucking proud that i can call them friends.

now before you climb up on your high horse you should know that i am by no means saying i'm perfect. what i am saying is that i hold my core values within myself. i honour, respect and love despite what others do. i chose what is right because i know that i am above blaming my shit on other people. i am flawed and sometimes i think i am so flawed that there is little to love about me.... but i know that based on the company i keep and my actions that there must be something good about me. you can't judge a man by his shoes or his job or the books he reads or the music he listens to... but you can judge a man by whether or not he keeps his word, tells the truth and the friends he keeps.

this is the measuring stick i hold up against my actions... whether or not if i was being completely honest with myself and others if my actions would be the RIGHT thing to do.

so here is what i'll do... i'll do the right thing not because other people deserve it but because i deserve it and because i have morals and because my friends and the people i love would have it no other way.

ps - the who ever smelt it dealt it thing never works. never. we all know you farted and that your shit stinks and that you are trying to blame everyone else. we just let it go because we see through you. we're not judging... we're just saying...

beauty kit

go to the website below and watch the beauty kit video followed by the baby / computer one... it's all creepy

http://www.pleix.net/films.html#

we are all masters and commanders

so there was a moment from last week that i wish i could share here at length because
a. it was important to me... perhaps we can go as far as saying that it changed my life in it's current form b. that's sort of what we do here... you and i... i write about random moments and how it affects the whole and c. i really don't have much else to talk about today but it was so special and so much just my own moment that i can't do it justice with words. instead i will share this musical clip with you so you can have a quiet moment of your own.

a little touch up and a little paint

bruce springsteen doesn't really want me to post his music for free here so the best i can do is give you a link and you can listen simultaneously...
bruce springsteen - human touch

sometimes it feels like this uncertainty and the waiting will never end. i suppose we all want the same thing and eventually we all find something resembling it... or do we? sometimes we love without being loved, sometimes we overlook love being given to us, sometimes we simply are too caught up in our own shit to love... but once just once it would be nice if i PERSONALLY could have that moment.

all i'm looking for is this: someone who understands me, has an understanding of themselves, is willing to be patient while i overanalyze and overthink almost everything, will cook me pancakes in the morning and sing to me in the night and in the morning... he doesn't have to be perfect and i certainly am not... i did hear recently that i am a woman who is "worth her flaws" which was nice... it was something to definitely be grateful for...

you don't think what i'm asking is too much do ya?

You and me we were the pretenders
We let it all slip away
In the end what you dont surrender
Well the world just strips away
Girl, aint no kindness in the face of strangers
Aint gonna find no miracles here
Well you can wait on your blessings my darling
I got a deal for you right here
I aint looking for praise or pity
I aint coming round searching for a crutch
I just want someone to talk to
And a little of that human touch
Just a little of that human touch

Aint no mercy on the streets of this town
Aint no bread from heavenly skies
Aint nobody drawing wine from this blood
Its just you and me tonight
Tell me, in a world without pity
Do you think what Im askings too much
I just want something to hold on to
And a little of that human touch
Just a little of that human touch

Oh girl that feeling of safety that you prize
Well it comes at a hard hard price
You cant shut off the risk and the pain
Without losing the love that remains
Were all riders on this train

So youve been broken and youve been hurt
Show me somebody who aint
Yeah, I know I aint nobodys bargain
But, hell, a little touch up and a little paint...
You might need something to hold on to
When all the answers, they dont amount to much
Somebody that you could just to talk to
And a little of that human touch
Baby, in a world without pity
Do you think what Im askins too much
I just want to feel you in my arms
Share a little of that human touch
Feel a little of that human touch
Give me a little of that human touch

we're not always as carefree as we may seem from the distance you are standing

this is the best i can do right now... and no it's not posted as a tribute to me loving someone and it's not posted as a reminder that once someone loved me... it's here because sunday we went for a nice walk in the woods and it was the song in the car. it was a nice moment....

almost as good as the decision: burrs, chills or shivers. you're wrong. that's the thing i've found when trying to guess what others are thinking and feeling and anticipating we are almost always wrong. it seems things get misconstrued often... it seems that we never quite live up to the person we could be or should be.... so pick a colour... purple you say? you're wrong.

gordon lightfoot and chester

sometimes i think it's a sin when i think that i'm winning but i'm losing again.......

totally.... and it's hard to put into words. it's hard to say. it's hard to put my finger on. there are people i love. i love them more than i can say. there are moments where i am only myself. i find that there are precious few moments where i can be myself.

you should listen below and understand that there is a pond. there is a porch... there is an instance where this second lasts as long as i need it to and for those minutes there is just quiet inside myself....

okay... i just can't stop

more iron & wine since i am in love with him.... and pretty much anything he does.
when i finally settle down into my cabin in the woods with my man who makes pancakes for me in the morning this is what the singing in the morning and night will sound like (he'll sing to me not the other way around.... because well.... no one likes my singing... ever... really...)

pagan angel in a borrowed car @ messiah


the lovesong of the buzzard @ messiah


carousel @ messiah

as the old saying goes.... time flies when you're having fun

the soundtrack is here: (just right click it for that handy little additional tab listening goodness for your reading / listening pleasure) resurrection fern - iron and wine

there are things that we cannot change and we cannot control. we loosely discuss those things as life. this is mine. sometimes i look at it objectively and believe that perhaps it is happening too fast or to slow... sometimes i just stand back and wish i could get it all in to the picture at once. i find myself and lose myself daily for lack of anything else to do. i drive to and from the hospital to see my dad with my heart alternately filled with despair, anger, hope, annoyance and frustration. i sit by his bed and listen to him talk about things that make very little sense... unless he is talking about drinking jack daniels (i know that all to intimately) or he is talking about the things that i am and that i am not. those barbs no longer have the weight of the heart piercing arrows that he once slung my way... although most of the old arrows were shot at me when i was too young to have armour to protect myself. the perspective that has formed is a sad one of people crammed together into a room on the second floor of a hospital brought together by some twist in genetics, timing and fate. it has recently come to my attention that we in fact cannot control our past or the people from our past... and that the best we can do is create a new type of future and with it a new perspective.


my life has become a version of a bad small talk conversation with metaphors and old adages thrown in where people don't know what else to say...
a stitch in time saves nine
a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush
a penny saved is a penny earned
every cloud has it's silver lining
haste makes waste
i'm not sure what those things have to do with our conversations but people say them anyway. i seem to be having conversations about having a conversation about what is going on in my life. i suppose that people believe there must be a segway from one topic to another and as a last resort they pull words that have no concrete meaning into the forefront... all i know is that the words don't ever seem to quench the thirst i have for understanding nor do the tendrils of contact seem to erase the ache that has become resident in my heart. gratitude and warm wishes fade into my background like the sound of a dripping tap that you can't fix nor do you really want to locate. in the forefront is the booming sound of a minefield of old wounds and familial ties. generation after generation linked together into a quilt of things that make us what we are today. sometimes the question poses itself... what are we? what is really going on here? i have neither the time nor the patience to answer either one.

i'm looking forward to the smell of campfire and easy conversations about other things or perhaps not talking much at all. there is a comfort in old friends and old habits that define us in our best and worst moments. i'm looking forward to time with rollins and mfj where i can be the absolute worst version of myself and no one really cares... simply because they love me anyway. i'll simply be free for 5 days and freedom is something sorely missed these days.

in other news: my fairy tale from a few days ago - the boy and the girl and the questions has been answered with some certainty... it ended nicely with the boy and the girl deciding to be friends. or at least the boy emailing that they could keep in touch and the girl accepting that since really there is nothing else she could do to change the situation. i suppose the only thing to say here is.... time flies when you're having fun.




boy with a coin @ messiah - iron & wine - sidenote: buy this album immediately it's amazing

the exact time is uncertain

the exact time is uncertain but i know desperation set in sometime between my father's 17 request today for jack daniels (while in a hospital bed and before the 2nd surgery of the week) and the three shots of malibu that i have ingested since i got home about 45 minutes ago. i can't quite pinpoint all the details but as the old adage goes... the devil is in the details.

ps. unless you are 15 or extremely desperate please don't ever drink malibu straight. it's bad bad news.

pps. dave kwant says i should say something about pumps because he wants to be immortalized in my blog so here goes: as dave was literally sitting on a sinking boat tonight with pumps being the only things between him and the bottom.... i was metaphorically sitting on a sinking ship. he had a 30 pack of bud-light.... i was not so lucky... the hospital needs to start prescribing jameson for visitors.

eragon

i'm not judging... i'm just saying that eragon is the worst / best movie i've seen in a long long time.
it's has a line in it that "magic comes from dragons".... with lines like that who needs good acting??

it has made my night to watch this movie. all i can say in closing is.... i wanna baby dragon. or to be a princess. or to start a revolution.... i wanna watch it all over again.

ps - what's up with her boobs in that picture? is it just me or are they misshapen?

seven year ache

i don't know why but i am in love love love with this song and this video.

rosanne cash - seven year ache.

i really love it.

on your porch

i didn't blog yesterday... so i am cheating a blogging twice today. two totally separate subjects and thus two separate entries. the soundtrack is right here so you'll have to open our old friend the other tab - the music tab (which is funny because it's a pun... oh, nevermind)
----> the format - on your porch

since i'm not sure that everyone will get the first few stanzas of the song which are the lyrics that stick in my head all day while i'm back and forth from the hospital to see my dad.
"i was on your porch / the smoke sank into my skin / so i came inside to be with you / and we talked all night, / about everything we could imagine / cause come the morning i'll be gone / and as our eyes start to close, / i turn to you and i let you know, / that i love you
well my dad was sick / and my mom she cared for him / her love it nursed him back to life / and me i ran, / i couldnt even look at him, / for fear i'd have to say goodbye"


yeah, i know. yeah. i guess you'd have to have been there. just once.

if you were there you would know that a fire barrel on the porch surrounded by good friends is a place one should always go back to. you would know that the smell of campfire seeps into your pores and makes you look dirty but smell like a real man. that sort of thing really really appeals to me... yes i know i'm not a man but smelling of camping and earth makes me happy.

if you were there you would know that when you're always leaving to somewhere there are times when all you can do is try to fit everything in between the time the sun sets and when it rises again. you would understand that the words 'i love you' are unspoken because... well... it doesn't make you sound like a real man. that sort of thing really really appeals to me... yes i know i'm a girl and i should love feelings but being able to have them and not talk about them makes me happy.

if you were there you would know that when your parent is ill that there is a piece of you that can't possibly fathom it. there is a place inside yourself in which it seems inconceivable that things will ever change. there is real grief at becoming an adult and seeing your parents as people... fallible and simply people with mistakes and needs and real life experience not some glossed over version of archetypes that we create. you would understand that growing up and being strong because it's what makes you a better person for the sake of it makes you a real man. that sort of thing really really appeals to me... yes i know i'm not always grown up or strong but the idea that i could be a better person for the sake of it makes me happy.

adventures, balls, courts and hindsight

as per my new "usual" i have added some music for your listening pleasure below... it is the shins - australia off of their new (new, amazing and brillant album) it should provide the soundtrack to the story that follows. just a hint for those that like to be up on all the "ins and outs" of these sort of things.... the music is nice to listen to, each is a song that i currently love and the LYRICS or the lyric meanings (or what the mean to me) often reexplain what i say in a more concrete way.... or less of a concrete way. perhaps i'm being too self indulgent. just start listening and reading and lets see how it all goes....






once upon a time there was a girl. really she wasn't a girl... she was in her early thirties but she liked to pretend as we all do that time wasn't aging her. in all honesty it's sort of silly when we all know how old she is but sometimes people do silly things in fairy tales. anyway there was this girl and she had baggage. not just one matching set but bags she had picked up from her travels and her adventures. it all kind of looked like luggage that you would find in thrift stores and on the corner. sometimes when you cart baggage around from place to place it starts to wear at the edges. so it wasn't pretty baggage and it wasn't new baggage.

in the spring of this year she met this great guy... we won't call him a prince because we hesitate to objectify males in such a way and weigh him down with such expectations as saving someone and riding a horse and other silly things. so she meets this guy and they find that they sort of, kind of like each other. well the truth is that the girl is never sure how the guy feels but she knows she is crazy about him. crazy about him in a way that doesn't make sense sometimes. she waits to see if he will call or if he will write. she reads everything he writes twice and she thinks about it... really thinks about it. he challenges her and makes her think about being the person she always thought she could be.

like any tale there is the part where the two have something that they have to overcome... i think it's called plot but we won't get all specific and technical here. so the girl realizes how she feels, she realizes that the guy is wonderful and suddenly... inexplicably she feels like she can't possibly make a real effort with what she has - the non-matching baggage and some deep rooted fears of commitment and if we're all being honest with each other we could say that she felt deeply that she needed some serious saving and in this day and age we can't expect a guy to do that kind of heavy lifted etc... not this guy anyway. to be absolutely frank with you... he's pretty much above such things. really he's great. so she (the girl) does something stupid and immature and selfish and just kind of disconnects. i know, i know. we're not judging her... we're just saying... com'on... and then the guy as anyone would do when faced with this sort of bullshit walks away and doesn't look back. (we call that move pulling the rip cord and it was entirely appropriate on his part).

then time passes... if you want to visualize it you can imagine a summer of long days and sunsets filled with green trees and glassy oceans then a move into a more mundane setting in the midwest with autumn making it's presence known. you can continue to imagine that the girl tries the best she can in this time passing montage thingy to sort herself out. save herself if you will... which is what girls these days do. she throws out some of her baggage. she faces some of it head on... those collisions weren't the prettiest. she gets over what she can and deals with what she can't. and all the time she thinks of him.

so here we are in the tale. and the girl has done what she can to sort herself out and the guy has run (again... with good reason). now the girl sends an email out there. she puts it out there the best she can and hopes against hope that it has a happy ending. doesn't everyone want to see the tale end happily? who wants an unhappy ending...

i suppose i'll have to keep you posted. i suppose we'll all have to see together how the tale ends. and the up side is that no matter what .... she got a clue and some much needed perspective. lessons learned and taken in to make changes for the better are never bad lessons... they may sting... they may become cautionary tales but they are to be respected and valued no matter what.

today we all float on... even if things get heavy

i took this picture today when i was out... it's so sad. it really pulled at my heart and then i thought about all the things it could mean and all the lives and all the people that were affected.

i'm a big fan these days of audio to go with what i'm blogging about... so here is the song for today: a lack of color (live) - death cab for cutie. just right click on the song title and ask it to open in another tab so you can still read. your music experience will start while we get to the rest of it.... although the rest of it lately has disappointed even me.

have you ever wondered what happens to dreams when they die? like if they shrivel up and become old discarded cocoons inside ourselves... stinted butterflies that rot and decay inside our brains instead of growing big and beautiful? perhaps somewhere there is a graveyard of all the things that have been discarded and lost and didn't become what the dreamer had in mind. i have dreams... lots of them... dreams about having a small house on a piece of land with no one around for miles and miles, a photography studio, writing a book, having someone to come home to, emma growing up healthy and happy, being sung to in the morning and at night, pancakes for breakfast, a fireplace, a garden and a small life filled with quiet and solitude that makes me happy and content in a way that i could never explain here. an uncluttered life. a simple life.... do those things exist anymore? simple lives? lives built for people that don't care about the "other stuff"? sometimes i wonder. sometimes i worry that my chances have all passed me by.

okay onto the next song: float on - modest mouse. again just click right there... and i'll just say out loud that streaming modest mouse is a huge pain so enjoy it as much as i do. the point of it is this.... yes, sometimes life is just okay and we have to just float on. we have to just move forward trusting that taking that leap will be rewarded with experience eventually. remember that sign i saw in washington that said "experience is something you get after you need it"....wow. perhaps this is just the experience i need and i'll have it later after it all comes to a close.

you can see the rest of the pictures of today by clicking here.

france saves my life

i just watched amelie for the 52nd time... i don't really know that it's the 52nd time but it's a fair guess and i suppose i'm really the only one counting. now if we were all being honest with one other we could admit freely that i'm a sucker for a well shot, subtitled foreign film, with a quirky plot, obscure humor and references to philosophers, lots of red and green and well.... love. it's true. despite my mood of late and my general insistence that i am an island i am a sucker for a love story. the clip below seriously makes my heart stop.... but if you haven't seen the movie don't you dare watch it... instead just go rent it. seriously you can't live a moment longer in the world without something wonderful like this.




in case you didn't know i also love the following things which are also french:
he loves me, he loves me not. another fucking brilliant film.
baguettes
the louvre
the online podcast / videocast tour of versailles
photo tour of paris just click the next tab on the top right corner

just for tonight i am not in a yucky mood and since i don't sleep anymore i may watch amelie all over again.... i just might... who needs sleep?? maybe i can sleep at the chester house when i am there..... or just get drunk enough to pass out on their porch...

sunrise to sunset to reality and seeing the truth

just get this little video started and then you can listen to it while reading and then it will all make sense except that nothing fucking makes sense anymore. i can't seem to get it together or keep it together. if there is an edge i am there. just another sunrise, sunset....



how do feel? how are things? how are things going? what's going on? what's up?

fuck. i'm so sick of it. i'm so sick of talking about it. i'm so fucking sick of all of it. i don't know what to say anymore. i don't know how to explain it all it's fucking complicated. have you ever lived a passive aggressive person? has someone you loved said...'fine.. don't worry about it then... i'll just have to do it... i thought you would just do it __________' (fill in the stupid blank with any of the following words: right, quickly, better, because you owe me everything because i'm a manipulative and passive aggressive) i don't know how long i can go on failing at everything and being judged for everything and having to hold it all together. i'm thinking about never returning another phone call again simply because i'm too tired to be upbeat and positive anymore. i'm thinking about ceasing to exist. i'm thinking about disappearing into the horizon or oblivion or whatever i can find. i wish i could sleep like i did in connecticut at the chester house. i haven't slept that good in years. i wish i could just have a few drinks and listen to other people talk and forget about everything else. and i'm supposed to see the connecticut boys again soon but part of me doesn't even want to go... it's fucking pointless because i'll have to come back again. i'll have to feel this way again. i'll have to miss them again.

do you ever think about the minutes between daylight and night. the moments of sunsets and dusk? the stolen moments that are gifts at the end of the day? colored in reflected bright colors simply because there is nothing else it could be... those are stolen moments in each day and mostly i love them. these days though there is no time between daylight and night. here in wisconisin it goes from light to dark instantly. it's a good fucking thing. i could bear any more moments packed into the days i already have to be awake for.


now... you can listen to this little gem from death cab for cutie. if music didn't exist i'd be lost completely.

move it along

"sometimes i think its a sin when i feel like im winnin when im losin again" - gordon lightfoot
" and i went crazy again today, looking for a strand to climb, looking for a little hope" - fiona apple

sometimes beneath all the truths is the kernel of absolute truth. sometimes there are opposites that are completely valid. sometimes i think i am just the same version of myself stretched thin between all the points of reference that i have created and that in being all things to all people i am changed. the same and changed. i am both things all at once. i am nothing and something wrapped up in a fucking wreck. seriously.... nothin' to see here folks. move it on along. keep it moving. nothin' to see here. just head on your way.

tonight as i tried to fall asleep i imagined that all my life i have been watching the outline of trees against the sky, building, the ground, windows and various bodies of water. viewing the way the jagged jutted limbs catch light and cast shadows onto whatever is next to them. how the shadow or the outline dances ever so slightly as i breathe. how the branches look like lace if i catch them in my periphery... if i stand so still and watch the light filter down and don't breathe then i can almost see the magic of the earth. the magic of life. the simplest and most complete process that there is.... breathing, drinking and being nourished by the earth. i fucking long to sleep in a tree house like i did when i was a child. i wish that i could feel the big branches that are covered in bruised and darkened yellow leaves touch the palm of my hand right in the middle where it tickles just enough to make me want to rub it on my pant leg and then rub my fingers against the spot and then do it all over again.

perhaps i am simply one sundown or one sunup from understanding what it is that life is about. really thats all that keeps me here. really it's all that makes me believe that moving forward has a purpose. understanding. some fucking clarity. some sharp distinction between what should be and what should not be. justice. black and white. the moment in the movie right before the credits where everything becomes clear and everyone is left smiling .... or dead... whichever. i'm not picky.

have i mentioned that i haven't slept a whole night in a few days? have i mentioned that i feel very distinctly the sensation that i will fucking break? perhaps other people don't worry about it but it's whenever i find that i am lonely or afraid or just close enough to the edge – the edge where i’m absolutely certain that this is the time that i’ve gone too far, pushed too far and i’m certain that i'm going to fall apart from the sheer fucking force of my own uncertainty and failure closing in at my heels. but it hasn't happened yet... but it seems that this time may be the time.

what the fuck do i know right? someone once told me that i over think everything. they're right. it's one of my good qualities...

sometimes

sometimes in my head i pretend that my life is completely different. sometimes its the recent decisions that have changed. sometimes its old decisions that have changed. mostly i pretend that i am somehow different. i'm changed in a way that alters my whole life and the people in it.

sometimes i pretend that my relationship with my parents was different. especially now. especially now that everything is changing so quickly that i can't seem to get a grip on even one of the corners of the polaroid moments that go sailing by. click. cancer. click. friends are distant. click. home is different. click. we still aren't close. click. things that are unresolved still sit larger than life in our living room. click. click. click. sometimes i pretend that there is a nice memory in there and then the clicking of the past, all the old memories click by, and i know there isn't.

i wish i could be brutally honest with one person about how i feel. i wish i could tell one single solitary person what exactly is in my head. i wish that the clicking would stop just long enough for me to get a full breath - repetitive sound drives me nuts. i wish i was still in connecticut... losing myself in others and in all the old habits. i wish that i was still in alaska sitting by water. i wish i could just stop the movement and turning of the world just long enough to be able to sort it all out. all of it out. maybe just some small things.

pictures are up of this past weekend just go here.