sometimes

sometimes in my head i pretend that my life is completely different. sometimes its the recent decisions that have changed. sometimes its old decisions that have changed. mostly i pretend that i am somehow different. i'm changed in a way that alters my whole life and the people in it.

sometimes i pretend that my relationship with my parents was different. especially now. especially now that everything is changing so quickly that i can't seem to get a grip on even one of the corners of the polaroid moments that go sailing by. click. cancer. click. friends are distant. click. home is different. click. we still aren't close. click. things that are unresolved still sit larger than life in our living room. click. click. click. sometimes i pretend that there is a nice memory in there and then the clicking of the past, all the old memories click by, and i know there isn't.

i wish i could be brutally honest with one person about how i feel. i wish i could tell one single solitary person what exactly is in my head. i wish that the clicking would stop just long enough for me to get a full breath - repetitive sound drives me nuts. i wish i was still in connecticut... losing myself in others and in all the old habits. i wish that i was still in alaska sitting by water. i wish i could just stop the movement and turning of the world just long enough to be able to sort it all out. all of it out. maybe just some small things.

pictures are up of this past weekend just go here.