just get this little video started and then you can listen to it while reading and then it will all make sense except that nothing fucking makes sense anymore. i can't seem to get it together or keep it together. if there is an edge i am there. just another sunrise, sunset....
how do feel? how are things? how are things going? what's going on? what's up?
fuck. i'm so sick of it. i'm so sick of talking about it. i'm so fucking sick of all of it. i don't know what to say anymore. i don't know how to explain it all it's fucking complicated. have you ever lived a passive aggressive person? has someone you loved said...'fine.. don't worry about it then... i'll just have to do it... i thought you would just do it __________' (fill in the stupid blank with any of the following words: right, quickly, better, because you owe me everything because i'm a manipulative and passive aggressive) i don't know how long i can go on failing at everything and being judged for everything and having to hold it all together. i'm thinking about never returning another phone call again simply because i'm too tired to be upbeat and positive anymore. i'm thinking about ceasing to exist. i'm thinking about disappearing into the horizon or oblivion or whatever i can find. i wish i could sleep like i did in connecticut at the chester house. i haven't slept that good in years. i wish i could just have a few drinks and listen to other people talk and forget about everything else. and i'm supposed to see the connecticut boys again soon but part of me doesn't even want to go... it's fucking pointless because i'll have to come back again. i'll have to feel this way again. i'll have to miss them again.
do you ever think about the minutes between daylight and night. the moments of sunsets and dusk? the stolen moments that are gifts at the end of the day? colored in reflected bright colors simply because there is nothing else it could be... those are stolen moments in each day and mostly i love them. these days though there is no time between daylight and night. here in wisconisin it goes from light to dark instantly. it's a good fucking thing. i could bear any more moments packed into the days i already have to be awake for.
now... you can listen to this little gem from death cab for cutie. if music didn't exist i'd be lost completely.
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