move it along

"sometimes i think its a sin when i feel like im winnin when im losin again" - gordon lightfoot
" and i went crazy again today, looking for a strand to climb, looking for a little hope" - fiona apple

sometimes beneath all the truths is the kernel of absolute truth. sometimes there are opposites that are completely valid. sometimes i think i am just the same version of myself stretched thin between all the points of reference that i have created and that in being all things to all people i am changed. the same and changed. i am both things all at once. i am nothing and something wrapped up in a fucking wreck. seriously.... nothin' to see here folks. move it on along. keep it moving. nothin' to see here. just head on your way.

tonight as i tried to fall asleep i imagined that all my life i have been watching the outline of trees against the sky, building, the ground, windows and various bodies of water. viewing the way the jagged jutted limbs catch light and cast shadows onto whatever is next to them. how the shadow or the outline dances ever so slightly as i breathe. how the branches look like lace if i catch them in my periphery... if i stand so still and watch the light filter down and don't breathe then i can almost see the magic of the earth. the magic of life. the simplest and most complete process that there is.... breathing, drinking and being nourished by the earth. i fucking long to sleep in a tree house like i did when i was a child. i wish that i could feel the big branches that are covered in bruised and darkened yellow leaves touch the palm of my hand right in the middle where it tickles just enough to make me want to rub it on my pant leg and then rub my fingers against the spot and then do it all over again.

perhaps i am simply one sundown or one sunup from understanding what it is that life is about. really thats all that keeps me here. really it's all that makes me believe that moving forward has a purpose. understanding. some fucking clarity. some sharp distinction between what should be and what should not be. justice. black and white. the moment in the movie right before the credits where everything becomes clear and everyone is left smiling .... or dead... whichever. i'm not picky.

have i mentioned that i haven't slept a whole night in a few days? have i mentioned that i feel very distinctly the sensation that i will fucking break? perhaps other people don't worry about it but it's whenever i find that i am lonely or afraid or just close enough to the edge – the edge where i’m absolutely certain that this is the time that i’ve gone too far, pushed too far and i’m certain that i'm going to fall apart from the sheer fucking force of my own uncertainty and failure closing in at my heels. but it hasn't happened yet... but it seems that this time may be the time.

what the fuck do i know right? someone once told me that i over think everything. they're right. it's one of my good qualities...