i'm ashamed

i'm ashamed to admit that i love this song: matchbox twenty - how far we've come

while you're here

oh shit

despite the horrible anime... this song is a fucking classic and it's in one of the best movies ever made... bandits... listen to the song and then order the movie from amazon / blockbuster or where the fuck ever... just watch it... immediately.

also

also to the random reader who may think that i am stupid enough to post shit here that i'm worried about other people reading....

a. i'm not stupid
b. i'm fairly certain that there is no one in the world that believes i'm perfect and will be shocked by this information
c. any bad choices i make i happen to make while not in possession of the small child i live with
d. i'm under no fucking delusions of grandeur that i'm immune to criticism
e. get a life...
f. it's the internet and perhaps things aren't as black and white as they may seem from my perspective... also... it turns out that i don't know everything
g. as craig says... it's stupid to get offended by 1s and 0s because that's all the internet is.... a fucking lot of 1s and 0s

also... we shouldn't have to have these conversations about what i wrote on my blog since it falls clearly under the limits of the trifecta which i don't do (the trifecta is back in effecta)

in case we need a refresher... the trifecta: work, crazy, stupid.... i just don't "do" them so go sell crazy somewhere else we're all full up here.

know what's fucking awesome?

there are a few things lately that are fucking awesome so i'll list a few of them for you....
1. crushed ice, sunglasses, jameson
2. this amazing amazing website... seriously check it out http://www.fezlab.com/soundtrack/
3. that once my dear friend craig liked a girl who chose the guy from the neverending story 2 over him... that story is always funny
4. that after a sufficient amount of time has gone by we can effectively recreate the past. here's a great example: wanna do something shitty and then pretend an undisclosed number of years later that you didn't do it? go right ahead. pass your shitty actions off like a silent and stinky fart. then blame everyone else around you... cuz whoever smelt it dealt it right?

which leads me to what is really awesome in relation to #4. i have friends (yes i have friends and more than one of them) that don't do shit like this. i have friends that have integrity and honour. they admit when they are wrong and they learn from their mistakes. they support each other and me through anything. they love and accept and are fucking great human beings. i am proud of them and i am fucking proud that i can call them friends.

now before you climb up on your high horse you should know that i am by no means saying i'm perfect. what i am saying is that i hold my core values within myself. i honour, respect and love despite what others do. i chose what is right because i know that i am above blaming my shit on other people. i am flawed and sometimes i think i am so flawed that there is little to love about me.... but i know that based on the company i keep and my actions that there must be something good about me. you can't judge a man by his shoes or his job or the books he reads or the music he listens to... but you can judge a man by whether or not he keeps his word, tells the truth and the friends he keeps.

this is the measuring stick i hold up against my actions... whether or not if i was being completely honest with myself and others if my actions would be the RIGHT thing to do.

so here is what i'll do... i'll do the right thing not because other people deserve it but because i deserve it and because i have morals and because my friends and the people i love would have it no other way.

ps - the who ever smelt it dealt it thing never works. never. we all know you farted and that your shit stinks and that you are trying to blame everyone else. we just let it go because we see through you. we're not judging... we're just saying...

beauty kit

go to the website below and watch the beauty kit video followed by the baby / computer one... it's all creepy

http://www.pleix.net/films.html#

we are all masters and commanders

so there was a moment from last week that i wish i could share here at length because
a. it was important to me... perhaps we can go as far as saying that it changed my life in it's current form b. that's sort of what we do here... you and i... i write about random moments and how it affects the whole and c. i really don't have much else to talk about today but it was so special and so much just my own moment that i can't do it justice with words. instead i will share this musical clip with you so you can have a quiet moment of your own.

a little touch up and a little paint

bruce springsteen doesn't really want me to post his music for free here so the best i can do is give you a link and you can listen simultaneously...
bruce springsteen - human touch

sometimes it feels like this uncertainty and the waiting will never end. i suppose we all want the same thing and eventually we all find something resembling it... or do we? sometimes we love without being loved, sometimes we overlook love being given to us, sometimes we simply are too caught up in our own shit to love... but once just once it would be nice if i PERSONALLY could have that moment.

all i'm looking for is this: someone who understands me, has an understanding of themselves, is willing to be patient while i overanalyze and overthink almost everything, will cook me pancakes in the morning and sing to me in the night and in the morning... he doesn't have to be perfect and i certainly am not... i did hear recently that i am a woman who is "worth her flaws" which was nice... it was something to definitely be grateful for...

you don't think what i'm asking is too much do ya?

You and me we were the pretenders
We let it all slip away
In the end what you dont surrender
Well the world just strips away
Girl, aint no kindness in the face of strangers
Aint gonna find no miracles here
Well you can wait on your blessings my darling
I got a deal for you right here
I aint looking for praise or pity
I aint coming round searching for a crutch
I just want someone to talk to
And a little of that human touch
Just a little of that human touch

Aint no mercy on the streets of this town
Aint no bread from heavenly skies
Aint nobody drawing wine from this blood
Its just you and me tonight
Tell me, in a world without pity
Do you think what Im askings too much
I just want something to hold on to
And a little of that human touch
Just a little of that human touch

Oh girl that feeling of safety that you prize
Well it comes at a hard hard price
You cant shut off the risk and the pain
Without losing the love that remains
Were all riders on this train

So youve been broken and youve been hurt
Show me somebody who aint
Yeah, I know I aint nobodys bargain
But, hell, a little touch up and a little paint...
You might need something to hold on to
When all the answers, they dont amount to much
Somebody that you could just to talk to
And a little of that human touch
Baby, in a world without pity
Do you think what Im askins too much
I just want to feel you in my arms
Share a little of that human touch
Feel a little of that human touch
Give me a little of that human touch

we're not always as carefree as we may seem from the distance you are standing

this is the best i can do right now... and no it's not posted as a tribute to me loving someone and it's not posted as a reminder that once someone loved me... it's here because sunday we went for a nice walk in the woods and it was the song in the car. it was a nice moment....

almost as good as the decision: burrs, chills or shivers. you're wrong. that's the thing i've found when trying to guess what others are thinking and feeling and anticipating we are almost always wrong. it seems things get misconstrued often... it seems that we never quite live up to the person we could be or should be.... so pick a colour... purple you say? you're wrong.

gordon lightfoot and chester

sometimes i think it's a sin when i think that i'm winning but i'm losing again.......

totally.... and it's hard to put into words. it's hard to say. it's hard to put my finger on. there are people i love. i love them more than i can say. there are moments where i am only myself. i find that there are precious few moments where i can be myself.

you should listen below and understand that there is a pond. there is a porch... there is an instance where this second lasts as long as i need it to and for those minutes there is just quiet inside myself....

okay... i just can't stop

more iron & wine since i am in love with him.... and pretty much anything he does.
when i finally settle down into my cabin in the woods with my man who makes pancakes for me in the morning this is what the singing in the morning and night will sound like (he'll sing to me not the other way around.... because well.... no one likes my singing... ever... really...)

pagan angel in a borrowed car @ messiah


the lovesong of the buzzard @ messiah


carousel @ messiah

as the old saying goes.... time flies when you're having fun

the soundtrack is here: (just right click it for that handy little additional tab listening goodness for your reading / listening pleasure) resurrection fern - iron and wine

there are things that we cannot change and we cannot control. we loosely discuss those things as life. this is mine. sometimes i look at it objectively and believe that perhaps it is happening too fast or to slow... sometimes i just stand back and wish i could get it all in to the picture at once. i find myself and lose myself daily for lack of anything else to do. i drive to and from the hospital to see my dad with my heart alternately filled with despair, anger, hope, annoyance and frustration. i sit by his bed and listen to him talk about things that make very little sense... unless he is talking about drinking jack daniels (i know that all to intimately) or he is talking about the things that i am and that i am not. those barbs no longer have the weight of the heart piercing arrows that he once slung my way... although most of the old arrows were shot at me when i was too young to have armour to protect myself. the perspective that has formed is a sad one of people crammed together into a room on the second floor of a hospital brought together by some twist in genetics, timing and fate. it has recently come to my attention that we in fact cannot control our past or the people from our past... and that the best we can do is create a new type of future and with it a new perspective.


my life has become a version of a bad small talk conversation with metaphors and old adages thrown in where people don't know what else to say...
a stitch in time saves nine
a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush
a penny saved is a penny earned
every cloud has it's silver lining
haste makes waste
i'm not sure what those things have to do with our conversations but people say them anyway. i seem to be having conversations about having a conversation about what is going on in my life. i suppose that people believe there must be a segway from one topic to another and as a last resort they pull words that have no concrete meaning into the forefront... all i know is that the words don't ever seem to quench the thirst i have for understanding nor do the tendrils of contact seem to erase the ache that has become resident in my heart. gratitude and warm wishes fade into my background like the sound of a dripping tap that you can't fix nor do you really want to locate. in the forefront is the booming sound of a minefield of old wounds and familial ties. generation after generation linked together into a quilt of things that make us what we are today. sometimes the question poses itself... what are we? what is really going on here? i have neither the time nor the patience to answer either one.

i'm looking forward to the smell of campfire and easy conversations about other things or perhaps not talking much at all. there is a comfort in old friends and old habits that define us in our best and worst moments. i'm looking forward to time with rollins and mfj where i can be the absolute worst version of myself and no one really cares... simply because they love me anyway. i'll simply be free for 5 days and freedom is something sorely missed these days.

in other news: my fairy tale from a few days ago - the boy and the girl and the questions has been answered with some certainty... it ended nicely with the boy and the girl deciding to be friends. or at least the boy emailing that they could keep in touch and the girl accepting that since really there is nothing else she could do to change the situation. i suppose the only thing to say here is.... time flies when you're having fun.




boy with a coin @ messiah - iron & wine - sidenote: buy this album immediately it's amazing

the exact time is uncertain

the exact time is uncertain but i know desperation set in sometime between my father's 17 request today for jack daniels (while in a hospital bed and before the 2nd surgery of the week) and the three shots of malibu that i have ingested since i got home about 45 minutes ago. i can't quite pinpoint all the details but as the old adage goes... the devil is in the details.

ps. unless you are 15 or extremely desperate please don't ever drink malibu straight. it's bad bad news.

pps. dave kwant says i should say something about pumps because he wants to be immortalized in my blog so here goes: as dave was literally sitting on a sinking boat tonight with pumps being the only things between him and the bottom.... i was metaphorically sitting on a sinking ship. he had a 30 pack of bud-light.... i was not so lucky... the hospital needs to start prescribing jameson for visitors.

eragon

i'm not judging... i'm just saying that eragon is the worst / best movie i've seen in a long long time.
it's has a line in it that "magic comes from dragons".... with lines like that who needs good acting??

it has made my night to watch this movie. all i can say in closing is.... i wanna baby dragon. or to be a princess. or to start a revolution.... i wanna watch it all over again.

ps - what's up with her boobs in that picture? is it just me or are they misshapen?

seven year ache

i don't know why but i am in love love love with this song and this video.

rosanne cash - seven year ache.

i really love it.

on your porch

i didn't blog yesterday... so i am cheating a blogging twice today. two totally separate subjects and thus two separate entries. the soundtrack is right here so you'll have to open our old friend the other tab - the music tab (which is funny because it's a pun... oh, nevermind)
----> the format - on your porch

since i'm not sure that everyone will get the first few stanzas of the song which are the lyrics that stick in my head all day while i'm back and forth from the hospital to see my dad.
"i was on your porch / the smoke sank into my skin / so i came inside to be with you / and we talked all night, / about everything we could imagine / cause come the morning i'll be gone / and as our eyes start to close, / i turn to you and i let you know, / that i love you
well my dad was sick / and my mom she cared for him / her love it nursed him back to life / and me i ran, / i couldnt even look at him, / for fear i'd have to say goodbye"


yeah, i know. yeah. i guess you'd have to have been there. just once.

if you were there you would know that a fire barrel on the porch surrounded by good friends is a place one should always go back to. you would know that the smell of campfire seeps into your pores and makes you look dirty but smell like a real man. that sort of thing really really appeals to me... yes i know i'm not a man but smelling of camping and earth makes me happy.

if you were there you would know that when you're always leaving to somewhere there are times when all you can do is try to fit everything in between the time the sun sets and when it rises again. you would understand that the words 'i love you' are unspoken because... well... it doesn't make you sound like a real man. that sort of thing really really appeals to me... yes i know i'm a girl and i should love feelings but being able to have them and not talk about them makes me happy.

if you were there you would know that when your parent is ill that there is a piece of you that can't possibly fathom it. there is a place inside yourself in which it seems inconceivable that things will ever change. there is real grief at becoming an adult and seeing your parents as people... fallible and simply people with mistakes and needs and real life experience not some glossed over version of archetypes that we create. you would understand that growing up and being strong because it's what makes you a better person for the sake of it makes you a real man. that sort of thing really really appeals to me... yes i know i'm not always grown up or strong but the idea that i could be a better person for the sake of it makes me happy.

adventures, balls, courts and hindsight

as per my new "usual" i have added some music for your listening pleasure below... it is the shins - australia off of their new (new, amazing and brillant album) it should provide the soundtrack to the story that follows. just a hint for those that like to be up on all the "ins and outs" of these sort of things.... the music is nice to listen to, each is a song that i currently love and the LYRICS or the lyric meanings (or what the mean to me) often reexplain what i say in a more concrete way.... or less of a concrete way. perhaps i'm being too self indulgent. just start listening and reading and lets see how it all goes....






once upon a time there was a girl. really she wasn't a girl... she was in her early thirties but she liked to pretend as we all do that time wasn't aging her. in all honesty it's sort of silly when we all know how old she is but sometimes people do silly things in fairy tales. anyway there was this girl and she had baggage. not just one matching set but bags she had picked up from her travels and her adventures. it all kind of looked like luggage that you would find in thrift stores and on the corner. sometimes when you cart baggage around from place to place it starts to wear at the edges. so it wasn't pretty baggage and it wasn't new baggage.

in the spring of this year she met this great guy... we won't call him a prince because we hesitate to objectify males in such a way and weigh him down with such expectations as saving someone and riding a horse and other silly things. so she meets this guy and they find that they sort of, kind of like each other. well the truth is that the girl is never sure how the guy feels but she knows she is crazy about him. crazy about him in a way that doesn't make sense sometimes. she waits to see if he will call or if he will write. she reads everything he writes twice and she thinks about it... really thinks about it. he challenges her and makes her think about being the person she always thought she could be.

like any tale there is the part where the two have something that they have to overcome... i think it's called plot but we won't get all specific and technical here. so the girl realizes how she feels, she realizes that the guy is wonderful and suddenly... inexplicably she feels like she can't possibly make a real effort with what she has - the non-matching baggage and some deep rooted fears of commitment and if we're all being honest with each other we could say that she felt deeply that she needed some serious saving and in this day and age we can't expect a guy to do that kind of heavy lifted etc... not this guy anyway. to be absolutely frank with you... he's pretty much above such things. really he's great. so she (the girl) does something stupid and immature and selfish and just kind of disconnects. i know, i know. we're not judging her... we're just saying... com'on... and then the guy as anyone would do when faced with this sort of bullshit walks away and doesn't look back. (we call that move pulling the rip cord and it was entirely appropriate on his part).

then time passes... if you want to visualize it you can imagine a summer of long days and sunsets filled with green trees and glassy oceans then a move into a more mundane setting in the midwest with autumn making it's presence known. you can continue to imagine that the girl tries the best she can in this time passing montage thingy to sort herself out. save herself if you will... which is what girls these days do. she throws out some of her baggage. she faces some of it head on... those collisions weren't the prettiest. she gets over what she can and deals with what she can't. and all the time she thinks of him.

so here we are in the tale. and the girl has done what she can to sort herself out and the guy has run (again... with good reason). now the girl sends an email out there. she puts it out there the best she can and hopes against hope that it has a happy ending. doesn't everyone want to see the tale end happily? who wants an unhappy ending...

i suppose i'll have to keep you posted. i suppose we'll all have to see together how the tale ends. and the up side is that no matter what .... she got a clue and some much needed perspective. lessons learned and taken in to make changes for the better are never bad lessons... they may sting... they may become cautionary tales but they are to be respected and valued no matter what.

today we all float on... even if things get heavy

i took this picture today when i was out... it's so sad. it really pulled at my heart and then i thought about all the things it could mean and all the lives and all the people that were affected.

i'm a big fan these days of audio to go with what i'm blogging about... so here is the song for today: a lack of color (live) - death cab for cutie. just right click on the song title and ask it to open in another tab so you can still read. your music experience will start while we get to the rest of it.... although the rest of it lately has disappointed even me.

have you ever wondered what happens to dreams when they die? like if they shrivel up and become old discarded cocoons inside ourselves... stinted butterflies that rot and decay inside our brains instead of growing big and beautiful? perhaps somewhere there is a graveyard of all the things that have been discarded and lost and didn't become what the dreamer had in mind. i have dreams... lots of them... dreams about having a small house on a piece of land with no one around for miles and miles, a photography studio, writing a book, having someone to come home to, emma growing up healthy and happy, being sung to in the morning and at night, pancakes for breakfast, a fireplace, a garden and a small life filled with quiet and solitude that makes me happy and content in a way that i could never explain here. an uncluttered life. a simple life.... do those things exist anymore? simple lives? lives built for people that don't care about the "other stuff"? sometimes i wonder. sometimes i worry that my chances have all passed me by.

okay onto the next song: float on - modest mouse. again just click right there... and i'll just say out loud that streaming modest mouse is a huge pain so enjoy it as much as i do. the point of it is this.... yes, sometimes life is just okay and we have to just float on. we have to just move forward trusting that taking that leap will be rewarded with experience eventually. remember that sign i saw in washington that said "experience is something you get after you need it"....wow. perhaps this is just the experience i need and i'll have it later after it all comes to a close.

you can see the rest of the pictures of today by clicking here.

france saves my life

i just watched amelie for the 52nd time... i don't really know that it's the 52nd time but it's a fair guess and i suppose i'm really the only one counting. now if we were all being honest with one other we could admit freely that i'm a sucker for a well shot, subtitled foreign film, with a quirky plot, obscure humor and references to philosophers, lots of red and green and well.... love. it's true. despite my mood of late and my general insistence that i am an island i am a sucker for a love story. the clip below seriously makes my heart stop.... but if you haven't seen the movie don't you dare watch it... instead just go rent it. seriously you can't live a moment longer in the world without something wonderful like this.




in case you didn't know i also love the following things which are also french:
he loves me, he loves me not. another fucking brilliant film.
baguettes
the louvre
the online podcast / videocast tour of versailles
photo tour of paris just click the next tab on the top right corner

just for tonight i am not in a yucky mood and since i don't sleep anymore i may watch amelie all over again.... i just might... who needs sleep?? maybe i can sleep at the chester house when i am there..... or just get drunk enough to pass out on their porch...

sunrise to sunset to reality and seeing the truth

just get this little video started and then you can listen to it while reading and then it will all make sense except that nothing fucking makes sense anymore. i can't seem to get it together or keep it together. if there is an edge i am there. just another sunrise, sunset....



how do feel? how are things? how are things going? what's going on? what's up?

fuck. i'm so sick of it. i'm so sick of talking about it. i'm so fucking sick of all of it. i don't know what to say anymore. i don't know how to explain it all it's fucking complicated. have you ever lived a passive aggressive person? has someone you loved said...'fine.. don't worry about it then... i'll just have to do it... i thought you would just do it __________' (fill in the stupid blank with any of the following words: right, quickly, better, because you owe me everything because i'm a manipulative and passive aggressive) i don't know how long i can go on failing at everything and being judged for everything and having to hold it all together. i'm thinking about never returning another phone call again simply because i'm too tired to be upbeat and positive anymore. i'm thinking about ceasing to exist. i'm thinking about disappearing into the horizon or oblivion or whatever i can find. i wish i could sleep like i did in connecticut at the chester house. i haven't slept that good in years. i wish i could just have a few drinks and listen to other people talk and forget about everything else. and i'm supposed to see the connecticut boys again soon but part of me doesn't even want to go... it's fucking pointless because i'll have to come back again. i'll have to feel this way again. i'll have to miss them again.

do you ever think about the minutes between daylight and night. the moments of sunsets and dusk? the stolen moments that are gifts at the end of the day? colored in reflected bright colors simply because there is nothing else it could be... those are stolen moments in each day and mostly i love them. these days though there is no time between daylight and night. here in wisconisin it goes from light to dark instantly. it's a good fucking thing. i could bear any more moments packed into the days i already have to be awake for.


now... you can listen to this little gem from death cab for cutie. if music didn't exist i'd be lost completely.

move it along

"sometimes i think its a sin when i feel like im winnin when im losin again" - gordon lightfoot
" and i went crazy again today, looking for a strand to climb, looking for a little hope" - fiona apple

sometimes beneath all the truths is the kernel of absolute truth. sometimes there are opposites that are completely valid. sometimes i think i am just the same version of myself stretched thin between all the points of reference that i have created and that in being all things to all people i am changed. the same and changed. i am both things all at once. i am nothing and something wrapped up in a fucking wreck. seriously.... nothin' to see here folks. move it on along. keep it moving. nothin' to see here. just head on your way.

tonight as i tried to fall asleep i imagined that all my life i have been watching the outline of trees against the sky, building, the ground, windows and various bodies of water. viewing the way the jagged jutted limbs catch light and cast shadows onto whatever is next to them. how the shadow or the outline dances ever so slightly as i breathe. how the branches look like lace if i catch them in my periphery... if i stand so still and watch the light filter down and don't breathe then i can almost see the magic of the earth. the magic of life. the simplest and most complete process that there is.... breathing, drinking and being nourished by the earth. i fucking long to sleep in a tree house like i did when i was a child. i wish that i could feel the big branches that are covered in bruised and darkened yellow leaves touch the palm of my hand right in the middle where it tickles just enough to make me want to rub it on my pant leg and then rub my fingers against the spot and then do it all over again.

perhaps i am simply one sundown or one sunup from understanding what it is that life is about. really thats all that keeps me here. really it's all that makes me believe that moving forward has a purpose. understanding. some fucking clarity. some sharp distinction between what should be and what should not be. justice. black and white. the moment in the movie right before the credits where everything becomes clear and everyone is left smiling .... or dead... whichever. i'm not picky.

have i mentioned that i haven't slept a whole night in a few days? have i mentioned that i feel very distinctly the sensation that i will fucking break? perhaps other people don't worry about it but it's whenever i find that i am lonely or afraid or just close enough to the edge – the edge where i’m absolutely certain that this is the time that i’ve gone too far, pushed too far and i’m certain that i'm going to fall apart from the sheer fucking force of my own uncertainty and failure closing in at my heels. but it hasn't happened yet... but it seems that this time may be the time.

what the fuck do i know right? someone once told me that i over think everything. they're right. it's one of my good qualities...

sometimes

sometimes in my head i pretend that my life is completely different. sometimes its the recent decisions that have changed. sometimes its old decisions that have changed. mostly i pretend that i am somehow different. i'm changed in a way that alters my whole life and the people in it.

sometimes i pretend that my relationship with my parents was different. especially now. especially now that everything is changing so quickly that i can't seem to get a grip on even one of the corners of the polaroid moments that go sailing by. click. cancer. click. friends are distant. click. home is different. click. we still aren't close. click. things that are unresolved still sit larger than life in our living room. click. click. click. sometimes i pretend that there is a nice memory in there and then the clicking of the past, all the old memories click by, and i know there isn't.

i wish i could be brutally honest with one person about how i feel. i wish i could tell one single solitary person what exactly is in my head. i wish that the clicking would stop just long enough for me to get a full breath - repetitive sound drives me nuts. i wish i was still in connecticut... losing myself in others and in all the old habits. i wish that i was still in alaska sitting by water. i wish i could just stop the movement and turning of the world just long enough to be able to sort it all out. all of it out. maybe just some small things.

pictures are up of this past weekend just go here.

top ten movies meet depression

favourite movies?

(not in order)

1. armageddon - scariest environment possible.. that's all you had to say... scariest environment possible
2. proof - gwyneth paltrow, anthony hopkins and mathematics
3. elizabeth - cate blanchett and amazing historical accuracy + costumes
4. bandits - bruce willis, billy bob thornton, cate blanchett plus funny funny lines
5. fight club - i won't even bother to explain
6. high fidelity - john cusack and great great music
7. amelie - french and amazing
8. the affair of the necklace - hillary swank and intrigue and political commentary
9. braveheart - i love you, i always have, i want to marry you
10. last of the mohicans - can't even begin to explain.....

watching proof for the second time. missing connecticut. crying. laying in bed. can't say it's the bottom of the barrel but i will say that i'm close.

dad has next surgery next tuesday. people can live without a lung right? what about that liver? what about a kidney? what about a good heart? it's not looking up...

sometimes i have a hard time really saying what i mean

sometimes i have a hard time being direct and saying what i really really mean.

so here goes an attempt.

to you. because you should know who you are. i'm really hurt by the newest development in our friendship in which you without talking to me or telling me why have sort of disappeared. i realize things have been sort of hairy lately - with my transition and with my dad being diagnosed with cancer and all - but i really needed your perspective and your support. i asked and you said that we're fine and that nothing has changed but i haven't heard from you in almost two weeks. thats really weird since we used to talk almost everyday. what i really think is that you're busy and you don't want to deal and that you have other things on your plate and blah blah blah. well great. fucking man up. tell me. don't just stop being my friend while i am struggling to keep it all in perspective... i can always handle the truth. friends don't lie to friends. friends aren't passive aggressive to friends.

just so you know... things are good. and even if they weren't i'd never let you know.

five days backwards in time to a period that makes sense....

5 days in connecticut and i feel like i have gone back in time. i feel refreshed and quieted. ready for the things that must come next. in all fairness i may feel that way but i look like absolute shit. i look like i've been drinking, sitting by a campfire, smoking like it's going out of style and not showering... and i have. sleeping 4 hours a night to wake up the next morning to make breakfast as a segway into the next day's drinking. watching movies we've all seen a hundred times and telling stories that we all know the ending to... going to the shooting range and drinking scotch in the truck instead of going inside. making friends with an old adversary and then deciding that we have so much in common we should seal the deal by getting way too drunk together in the afternoon. i can't tell you how i've missed my old self. hello old friend.... hello to being one of the boys again. i missed it. i missed everything about it.

moving all the time may seem glamorous but i can say after one weekend at home - and that's what the chester house and connecticut are - that i am lonely sometimes out there without a hand to hold or a face that knows my own. i suppose that these are the things that we struggle with... i suppose the adventure portion of my life justifies the rest of it. i suppose that meeting new friends and finding myself in new ways is just as fulfilling and should make me just as happy but it doesn't. thats just it. it doesn't. sitting in the airport and getting ready to go home i realize that i don't want to leave. i don't want to move forward. i don't want more change. i am tired and i love my life here. i love having people that aren't judgmental. i love knowing that the sum of me is more than the parts. the rest is so so so hard to accomplish when i'm so tired. i'm so tired these days. i seem to not be able to hold up the world that is required of me. it seems that even when i am the best version of myself that the sheer straight up climb required to get to the next step is so high i can't seem to pull myself up. i'm tired of fake friends. i'm tired of people that are unpredictable and uncertain. i'm tired of being friends one minute and then without warning everything is different. i'm not asking for much - predictability and certainty. i just want people that know who they are and don't mind who i am - at the core of me. don't they see that i realize my flaws and all my shit is fucking heavy and sometimes cumbersome? i know what i am, i am not blind nor am i stupid. as my new found friend / former enemy says - we all have our shit. no one is fucking perfect but we can either learn from our mistakes or we can stay the same. so nice to hear someone just admit that they aren't perfect - they aren't striving to be perfect. just taking it one day at a time and doing the best they can because THAT my friends is what people do. they just do the best they can... and for now... so do i....