you'll know when you get there

two things happened tonight....

1.) miss lowercasesandcapitals changed my life by pointing out that this - Daytrotter Session Archives - available and free to download. it's music by everyone who is anyone in the daytrotter world and it's revamped my music collection. 5 hours of amazing music so far and i'm nowhere near done. i was in serious need of new music. everything i had was either old or reminded me of someone i don't want to be haunted by.

here are some tidbits i think are worth listening to: (you'll have to right click and find what i'm referring to... but it's a great investment of your time)

anya marina - move you

bon iver - flume

these united states - so high so low so wide so long

2.) the same lovely lady changed my life by having the time to just talk it out with me. i feel like i'm the most selfish person on earth needing to talk it out. needing to ask for help is difficult for me. i hate that he was the one i talked to and now i feel like i have all this talking to do and can't reach out to the person who has been there for the past two years. i know we're all sick of listening about it. shit, i'm sick of hearing about it. i'm sick of talking about it. i'm sick to death of it. i'm ready to just be OVER it. but it doesn't work like that. you don't fall in love with someone slowly and give your heart, trust and secrets to someone piece by piece and then switch it off in one day. maybe "you" do. but i don't. i'm just not like that.

tonight as we talked about my "it" and we talked about her "it" i realized that this too is the thing that is going to be painful and uncomfortable up until the point that i can look myself in the mirror and say "that was the most painful thing that's happened to me and i'm grateful for every single second. i wouldn't change it for the world. it's made me who i am. it's mine. i lived it." when you can say it and mean it... that's when it's over. and not a second before that.

until then i'm going to keep being grateful. i'm going to keep doing all the things that make me happy. i'm going to keep all the great things about myself and let this one part help me to move into the person i know i'm growing into.

in the meantime... please excuse my construction.

it's a music sunday

i'm in love with www.coverlaydown.com

i can't say enough about how well it's put together or how it makes me happy every single time he posts. it's well written and deep and it involves music. i recommend you have a little rss feed that links to him and that you give donations to his blog in all your friends and family's names for christmas.... i think it would be selfish not to really.

here are some gems i found tonight:

lucas mire - part missing - (orig. lori carson)

david potts - dupre - i am trying to break your heart - (orig. wilco)

tgifriday?

i've had the longest night in the history of long nights. well, at least the longest night i've had in a few years. sometimes people still surprise me. just when you think that know someone... you think you really really know them... they come up with something that complete surprises you. strangely, that's never that they make a perfect chocolate cake from scratch or that they help the homeless... it's always something that is a kick in the teeth.

but because it's friday and i'm tired. i'm letting it go. all of it. i'm forgiving and forgetting. as long as this ghost of my past life promises never to haunt me again. and if you'll be so kind as to indulge me...

tuesdays are good...

it's tuesday... and you should have a soundtrack... and it should be this song that i love.... because i love it, you love me and in turn i give you things that will make you love tuesday. see? now we're all happy.

dawn landes - i won't back down (tom petty cover)

oh, and you should read www.coverlaydown.com regularly... because he is a genius and it's an amazing music blog.

just sayin'.

this is going to last more than the weekend...

things are great this week... but as usual busy. more to come on the blog front... in the meantime, listen and love...

guilty pleasures #3

so what... yeah... i'm still pathetic but here it is... the 3rd installment of guilty pleasures..

and let me tell you it's the new millennium version of 'i will survive'... which i totally don't need right now for romance reasons but if i did i so totally would send the "obscure boyfriend" the link to this video... except we would never really get in a fight.... but i would totally show off my rock moves if we did.

love and love alike... also... as well.. in addition to...

while i was tracking down the decemberists links i found these gems from a band that is effing fabulous and makes my heart swell with the hope that music will not always suck... i've been watching for their new album and apparently missed the march release. i was probably listening to something awful at the time. you owe it to yourself to give them a listen...

great lake swimmers - palmistry

great lake swimmers - various stages (my favorite... but you'll have to click and then scroll and click again... it's so totally worth it though... and if it's not it's 3 clicks!! you'll live!)

great lake swimmers - song for the angels


while you're out there looking at new music don't forget:
sam beam / iron & wine - always
these united states
dirty on purpose
the decemberists
death cab for cutie

and check out these songs / bands and help me decide whether i love them or not...
the acorn.... you can check them here: my old kentucky blog
sea wolf - the garden that you planted

love and love alike

my dear friend the incredibly helpful jay and i decided to both love this album together - the decemberists - the hazards of love. you should totally love it too. no really. do it. love it. it will make you happy in a calm relaxed way in which you realize the world is better for music having been made. everyone needs that in their lives.

just in case you are concerned about my music credentials after my last two guilty pleasure posts, i'm going to admit that you have every right to be concerned. but at least i'm admitting my little secret pleasures and opening myself up. by my logic that should make me more of an reliable source. jay on the other hand is just awesome and is my favorite boy to love things with. you can trust him. he's very tall (just to show off mostly) and we all know tall people hear things more clearly.... sigh. maybe that's why i like bad music. i'm practically a midget at 5'4" or 5'3.5" technically. i keep hoping i'll grow but 33 is right around the corner (or 28 for the 5th time) and i'm pretty sure there are no 33rd year growth spurts. although i would take one if i could get my hands on one.

anyway.... here is what you should love love love. besides yourself and of course jay and i.

the decemberists - annan water

the decemberists - the hazards of love 4

guilty pleasures #2

while we're here and i'm admitting scary things... i think it's only fair that i should admit to like these as well...

i'm so 3008, you're so 2000 and late...
the black eyed peas - boom boom pow


lady gaga - poker face


and this one... that i'm still sitting the fence about whether it's okay to like or not... it's so... so... oh it's so good. but it's so bad. it's the ringtone when my roommate calls me and i'm always 1/2 worried that someone will hear it but secretly want it to play longer. ugh. i'm such a mess.

zac brown band - chicken fried

guilty pleasures

okay... so there are embarrassing things to admit and this is one of them. i'm a fairly well established music snob, i'm intelligent and well read. i'm a kick ass mom, a great friend and a pretty good daughter /sister. i worked in the music industry, volunteered two years for americorps. i like to think i'm well rounded and pretty damn cool.

however, i have a 7 year old who (despite my best efforts) likes hannah montana. every once in awhile in the car i'll indulge her little ears from obscure rock and roll or new bands to something she wants to listen to.

and i'm ashamed to admit... i'm always secretly happy when these two songs come on...





seriously... i don't know what's wrong with me. i even sing along and do a car dance... ugh. man. i need to get some sleep so i don't blog these things.

san diego's southern cross

'cause the truth you might be runnin' from is so small
but it's as big as the promise, the promise of a comin' day
so i'm sailin' for tomorrow, my dreams are a dyin'.....
think about how many times i have fallin'
spirits are using me, larger voices callin'...
....

crosby stills and nash - southern cross





i have learned many things from this past weekend in san diego. i have learned about myself and about what it means to be alive and in this life. i have learned more about family and friendship and about the bonds that hold us together and move us apart than i ever knew was possible. i learned what it means... to love someone so much that the love will endure beyond what we understand. i don't mean romantic love. i mean the love of a family and i mean what happens to the love and the bond when we cannot define it by life. and in some ways i think i mean a romantic love... a romance between a man who is the best father i know and the strongest woman i've ever met who chose to stand beside him. the woman who will continue in his place to be the solid rock and flexible ties that holds a family together in a house with a garden that feels so much like home that i feel lost now that i am not there.

i have not written about this, although it has been going on for quite awhile. i wanted to give privacy to those who needed it and not speak about a future that had not become definite. i still was hoping (and in my heart am still hoping and praying) that the one thing i was most afraid would not come to pass. i write about it now because this is the piece that i can give... my words and my perspective as a salve or an outlet for how much my heart hurts.... unfortunately i am probably the only one who can or will be helped by my words that seem to be unable to express fully what my heart feels like.

my best friend's dad is dying. i don't mean in the abstract way in which this life is not permanent and we are all slowly dying by a series of breaths. i mean in the concrete way in which he will not be living in a set amount of time. i mean that he, for all of his strength and his fight and his power has come up against cancer and it is killing him in small increments. in small enough increments that we still hope that somehow it will turn out differently but big enough increments to rip that hope and your silly human heart to shreds.

it seems that when i think about it logically that it cannot possibly make sense. you would have to know him... but it's not possible. and that cannot possibly be true. it's too awful and it's too big and it's too much and it's not fair.

and i love him. like a father, a mentor and a hero. i love him because of a thousand things but mostly because he is simply him. i love him even more because he gave me my best friend. she has been in my life for 29 years and she is the other half of me. some days it seems she is the better part and the better half.

and some days, like today, my grief seems so big that my heart seems to hurt from growing large enough to hold onto it. the grief is senseless and frightening and beyond what i can manage with human feelings and human words. the grief feels so big that it makes everything else seem pointless in it's wake... like school or grocery shopping or getting new shoes. those small things are all swallowed up into a undefined mess of daily tasks that must happen but seem to hold no joy or interest... but the hardest thing is getting past the feelings of powerlessness and anger at how this could have possibly happened. the even harder part is that she is my best friend and i know how she hurts and i know how i am impotent to help her. i don't know what to say or do... except to say that there is nothing i can do or say and there isn't a way this will be okay.

i will admit that i have been standoffish to my friends and to my boyfriend. i have had a hard time talking about it - my feelings, my fears and what it all means. i know that talking about these things supposedly makes it better but everytime i talk about it i feel like others are overwhelmed with the duty to say it will be okay and it won't. it can't ever be okay... maybe it won't be as bad but it's hard to believe that it will be okay.

and so it is with that knowledge... the knowledge of exactly where we are that i leave you. we are in unchartered territory - on a map of life. and it is just life. and it's terminal. and it works out okay in the end. and it's already tomorrow in australia. and i've been around the world looking for myself (the only woman-girl i know) and i've got to trust that above all things love endures.

and to dawnielle - even though you may start to like karaoke... "what heaven brought you and me cannot be forgotten" - we are family linked together through happiness and tragedy and "you understand why now (we) came this way" and i wouldn't have come any other way. i promise that if you need me i will always come. i'm sorry i cannot do more.

found iP0d #3

you understand now why you came this way...


crosby, stills and nash - southern cross

iP0d found songs #2

john mayer - victoria

found... 1 iP0d

two days ago i found an iP0d that i lost while i lived in alaska at the bottom of a backpack and although it has hundreds of songs on it i found about 50 songs i had forgotten that i absolutely loved. i recommend losing an iP0d that you know you'll get back just to enjoy the sound of music almost two years later...

for your listening pleasure here are two of my favorites...

comin' home from cali and this life's so thick that you can hardly swim on through it

it was a long weekend in cali... i'm not ready to talk about it.

i haven't dropped off the face of the earth... i'm just processing the circle of life and what it means to really live. i'm facing what it means to be in my thirties and no longer be a child protected from black news and black days... to have to face what is inevitable about living and about breathing and that is that one day you will cease to do both.

i'm learning, processing, breathing and being grateful for absolutely everything in my life. sometimes when you can do nothing else you can recognize that you get today. there are no other promises and when it has to come down to it... today is enough.

i have pictures to post of trees. i have heartache to blog about. i have things to think about. tonight though, i have to sleep.

and this song is the new cali song... because as dawnielle said today it just makes her happy in her heart. and some days... because she is the one i've known my whole life and more days than not she is the best parts of me... making her happy makes me happy. and i'm grateful for that.

nick rallis and these united states save the day

my ip0d is sorely not me anymore. i hate it when that happens... when suddenly everything you listen to seems to just fit another person or another life. when all the songs remind you of how things used to be like something else or of someone else. suddenly it seems that you have outgrown yourself and you spend a few days wondering what you're going to listen to instead. in truth there is a whole lot of soul searching right before that point but the ip0d is where it's noticed... as if everything was fine until you just can't stand the music you used to love.

i have been on a quest for new things and new ideas... i've been combing hypem.com and every music blog i can find... it's tough going though... not everything is made for loving.

here are some things i have found...
Drag the River - Jeff Black Song

i fell in love with these united states again... specifically the song so high so low so wide so long...
i mean for real... i have a heart pounding sugar coated love thing for them.. like how i feel about mango ice cream. i don't even like ice cream... and yet i love it. i digress...



and if that's not enough to make your heart pitter patter and your face light up at the sheer genius then go here and watch them in the secret garden video:
Hoovesontheturf.com

the music search is probably temporary but while i'm in the throes of missing good tunes feel free to make your suggestions... i'm gettin' desperate here. which i suppose is indicative of more crucial things...

i guess it's something about getting your heart broken... i mean really broken. the kind of heart break that leaves you feeling sort of empty and wondering when it's not going to seem dark. the kind of heart break that only comes from realizing a friend that has been in your life for years has become the worst version of themselves. sometimes addiction and heartache break people and those people just can't honor the good things in their lives. they become thieves and liars. and initially i thought i could forgive it. forgive the theft and the lies. but i cannot. and i don't know what has me so in a funk... i guess simply the loss of the friendship. just in case you've been reading along these past few weeks and wonder what i'm on about lately... i've had to face that a friend is so addicted to their negative vices that he is not able to be anything but a liar. and it has broken my heart.

not like "that"... i have a boyfriend. i always have. we have been on again and off again for years. he's a really good boy. the best kind. he allows me to fall in love with bands and to have my own life - blogging and talking about all these obscure things, to raise my child, to be the person i want to be, to make mistakes, to succeed, to have male friends that break my heart. he supports me and sends me sweet text messages first thing in the morning. he writes me poetry, sings to me (well, he would if i asked him to and does spontaneously sometimes) and if i let him he would even make me banana pancakes. it's so strange that being loved by my best friends, my lover and my family doesn't change how crappy i feel about being betrayed. i suppose all i can continue to do is study for my calculus exam and then wrap myself up in my covers and listen to nick rallis. up loud.

loud enough that it doesn't matter that i found out last what everyone else seemed to know... drug addicts and alcoholics that don't want recovery cannot be saved no matter how much you love them. and while they are stubbornly un-recovered they are ticking time bombs waiting to go off and then lie to everyone to avoid taking responsibility. jameson anyone?

my life just changed

if we were looking at each other i would just gasp, shake my head and click on this link without talking but still looking at you will raised eyebrows while indicating with my body language that somehow you are an idiot for not knowing about this song and for listening to it repeatedly on your ip-Od and on your computer.

go change your own life... and then listen to all the other things i love to....

Cory Adams - Sloop John B

from the site: How Marvellous

two-fer

if you love yourself at all... go here and listen to this right now... it's so musically interesting and strangely haunting... and it makes my heart happy also.

Laura Tsaggaris - Oops! I did it again...

btw - i have a directly proportional relationship to cover lay down

it's very simple really

you don't know what you need...



face to face - disconnected

it's still such a fucking good song. and it makes me happy. happier than a lot of other things. infact i have found today that there are many things that have an inverse proportional relationship to my happiness.

in fairness.... inverse proportional relationships are my new favorite thing.

is it just me?

is it just me or is there a serious suckage going on right now in music?

you know i love the bands i love - iron & wine, these united states, grace potter and the nocturnals, dustin ohalloran, dirty on purpose... coldplay, damien rice, tori amos, oar, david gray, great lake swimmers, jason mraz, death cab for cutie, modest mouse, the arcade fire... these are the artists that are most frequently listened to on my ip0d... i love others... but they are on my top playlist.

i'm always searching for new things... hypem.com changed my life... but recently i haven't found anything...

it's like everyone is all about some weird rock that doesn't even make sense, 70s remakes with belle and sebastian whispering over weird shit or very hyped over produced crap. ugh.

today on page 12 of what music bloggers are raving about i found this:

clatter clatter - downpour.... yep just click right there...

then page 14 brought this effing gem... i might love this band... if by might i mean i'm pretty sure i really really do..

pree - heaven is a drag.... yep just click again...