the weight of the moment

in the weight of the moment i try to be grateful and patient. i try to remain still and calm until the challenges present themselves and i can identify what needs to be done. i attempt to be the best version of myself everyday... to love others and let them love me. sometimes it is harder than others. sometimes it seems that all the gratitude, patience, calmness and the pauses for action are just avoidance ploys and that the best version of myself isn't all that worthy of love... without those things it can seem as if i have very little to give others in way of love.

lately however the internal conversation has been easier. i've realized that i have a lot of things to be grateful for. i have the whole world in front of me.... so many opportunities to choose from. additionally i have songs in the morning (or evening depending on when i check my email) and conversations that make me happy. it feels like change... like improvement in an area that i definitely needed it in.

most importantly in the weight of this moment it is welcome.... it's been a long time since i've been able to be mindful without feeling like it was an uphill battle and it feels great. it feels like it's all right and it's all going to be alright. perhaps it's because of the things that have come before... perhaps it's because i have located my true north and i know what direction i'm heading. perhaps it's because finally i was patient and calm enough to accept and enjoy what was right in front of me... perhaps it was just coincidence... i haven't gotten my head around all of that and i don't need to... for just this once.

i seriously love this... love love love it

uh... supertramp and gym class heroes along with a video that is pure awesomeness is currently making me a very very happy girl. i don't want to give anything away but one of his big things is that she makes him PANCAKES... hellooooo? .... it's totally my song... sort of...

since i'm lazy

you'll have to do it the old fashioned way today:
right click on this - patty larkin - have a little faith in me
now let it open in another tab or window and let it play in the background

since i'm totally lazy today i have nothing insightful to say. i've been trying to rest up for the work week... the best thing i did today was get paid for not going to work... gotta love love love paid holidays.

i did a little online shopping / daydreaming and came up with these two lovely items that i can daydream about since i never buy myself new things... ever... because i don't know why...


both from betsy johnson... both fabulous in their own right... the one on the left is the agent velveteur dome satchel and the other is the go go betsy satchel.... they are named such fancy secret agent names i want to have them and put all my secret agent crap inside them... that sounded a little dirty.... hmmmmm

i also read all my favourite online blogs today and can i just say that if you haven't added cover lay down to your rss feeds you are not only an asshole you are also stupid. it's amazing and i've been so busy i didn't even see the valentines day post until today when it gave me the chills because it was so eloquent and soft and exactly the thing that a person wants to say or hear from the person that they are waking up next to... i love reading and thinking about the truth or the facts about love without the trappings, excuses and the other bullshit that goes along. go and read it and know that when you are bold enough to tell the world that single sentence because you are whole and content enough with your life to admit your insecurities and your inner truths you have come to a point that you deserve the world.... and i reserve the right to revisit this topic because i'm sick today and i don't think this little rant accurately explains how brilliant i think that post was.

perhaps more tomorrow... maybe i'll even be back to feeling good.... and who doesn't like it when i feel good?? the same people who don't like apples or hot air balloons and we all know who those people are.....

not feeling well

this is the post for tonight... i'm definitely not feeling well.... we could go into details or you could just imagine me whining about it and then whining more and then taking a nap. there we're on the same page.

i know i promised

i know i promised there would be no breaks from blogging this year - i know i promised that i wouldn't miss a day... i know that integrity is doing what you said you would when it's no longer convienent. blah blah blah.
here is what else i know... although i reserve the right to discuss or ignore this topic as i see fit... there is someone - he is fabulous and i could enumerate all his great qualities but no one wants to read that blog - and it is something. it is good and brand new and ..... and i don't know what to say because for some reason i am only able to discuss these things in the past tense or in the hypothetical way that we discuss something that may or may not ever happen - like a ufo landing in my backyard.
i also know that there are unresolved readers... and i know that this may come as a surprise... and this may seem out of the norm for me... and i know that it is the first time i have ever written about something this new and in a positive way... and i know that usually i have all sorts of negative internal conversations about how things will be right back to the norm in just a few weeks... and i know that it seems difficult to believe that everything would change with one blog entry... perhaps you should also know that all choices made were made on their own merits... that he did not influence nor sway or alter the decisions i had already made... and i know that perhaps starting tomorrow there will be another collection of words about abstraction that will replace these and perhaps even it will seem like these are not as eloquent or as forceful next to the emotion that comes from impatience and frustration or from the immediate happiness in the moment but i know as you should that although they are plain looking and simple and quiet that they are more important than 90% of the shit i go on and on about here....

with all that being said i promise to go back tomorrow to being cynical and sarcastic and alternately flippant and so over exposed about embarrassing and hurtful moments that both you and i feel like we have shared something that is only ours. i promise that except for inside my own head or in morning emails that i will keep my sappy girl stuff to myself. and most of all i promise to keep my commitment to our little world here - the daily blog and the diaphanous explanations of who and what i am.

by the time you read this...

by the time most of you read this it will be valentine's day... and so i feel compelled to give something in the direction of the over commercialized overdone consumer based love market. i give you three songs from the same woman that are three parts of love... love as i see it...



and i offer this insight... i have found love in more places than i have lost it. i have toted fool's gold across our nation as a talisman of what is possible if you are in the right place at the right time. i have discarded a heart that was given to me with the calloused hands of a cynic. i have treasured the love given to me by a small girl with a huge heart. i have worked hard to love myself and to love my choices... i have never worked hard at being loved because i don't think it can be forced or created outside of the right situations. i think it comes to us when we least expect it, when we can't fit it in and we don't really know what to do with it. perhaps i still have bridges and bridges to cross before there is anything that we'll speak of here in certain terms but that doesn't mean that i need one day to be reminded of the possibility. the possibility exists everyday and in each of us... so forget the flowers, the candy, the cards, the gifts and even the sex.... instead focus on what you can give and receive with your whole heart and do that to the best of your ability just for the day.

i hope that you have a lovely love day....

while i should be sleeping...

while i should be sleeping right now i have a song stuck in my tired head... it's just rattling about in there next to all the things i've organized and sorted out. and so i had to get back up and listen to it... and yes i know it's played out and so i posted another song of hers just to redeem myself... but here in the first song she loves the way he calls her baby and it's just a nice little tune... even though it's an old navy commercial....



and then my real favourite of hers

breathing life into new ideas

tonight's music selection is unlike most posts in the past... it's simply what i'm listening because i can't quite find the selection to put to what i want to write. perhaps thats because there is an obvious disconnect between what i want to write and what i feel is appropriate to be written here... as a writer and as a person it's difficult to feel censored in a space that feels like it is so very much my own. so here below is the playlist and below is a piece of the blog that i feel i can publish right now.



in your life have you ever thrown caution to the wind? have you ever disconnected from the woulds, coulds, shoulds, what-ifs and jumped without looking into what is yet to be determined? have you ever thought to yourself that perhaps just this once not looking down is the best option? yeah, i don't really either... and i don't really know why not... so i'm doing it.

and now that i've started a new adventure i'll tell you what that moment of doing those things looks like from here... the view is very different. i can see from this new perspective that there are many possible outcomes, i can see from what is obvious in my direct line of vision that if i look down i may lose my nerve. i can sense that there is something different in this endeavour - not because of all the cliches and psuedo intellectual subjective interpretations of what i should be thinking and what all the perhaps in the world could add up to mean - but because for the first time i'm walking forward in this space that i usually don't venture. that alone is worth recognition and pride. i'm calmly and slowly moving forward and enjoying the view instead of focusing on the potential negative.

if we're all being honest here it feels good to do it. it feels like breathing after holding your breath for a long time in a stale enclosed area. when you stand at the peak or you arrive where you are going and the clouds pull back from the horizon and there is that perfect still moment where even falling leaves seem to suspend in the air before their descent to the earth... that split second where you stretch from being cooped up and you inhale sharply with your full capacity and the air actually energizes and intoxicates you.

on the other hand.... arriving somewhere new indicates leaving something behind and i've begun to do that. i've got things in my line of sight that are fucking up the view and it's about time that we change that. it turns out i don't have to settle for what others believe i should be allowed to have and feel and think and experience. i don't have to allow them to dictate how this all works and goes. remember after the first of the year (actually the blog from january 11th) when i said i was foreclosing on some things? yeah, well go back and reread and know that i'm moving forward with my eye on the possibility of a different perspective and i'm not going to change course.... more importantly i'm going to do it with love, respect and honour... even the hard conversations about how things have changed and what it looks like with new information can still be had with integrity. we're definitely only trading in gold... it's the only thing i can trade in.

perhaps what is truly different about the past few days and about me is that i haven't ever done this in THIS way before. i suppose there are those that say it's all about the method. this is the first time i haven't made a list of conclusions, assumptions or expectations and then tried to make those things come true. it's the first time i have said no to others not because i couldn't sympathize or empathize or not because things had degraded to a point where the friendship couldn't be salvaged or saved but because their version of where this life is headed is simply fucking wrong. "i'm not saying you're wrong walter, you're just an asshole" - big lebowski

perhaps it just is what it is. i totally hate that saying but it fits here.... in this moment of breaths, of comfort, of trust and of a new beginning.

i'm goin' back to the start... a fairytale with a happy ending

tonight i'm going to do something i hardly ever do... i'm going to stop jumping to the conclusion and summary part of things. instead of writing about the lesson or the jewels of wisdom i'm going to go back in time and write about the actual past... i'm such a compartmentalizer that i forget that everyone doesn't have my brain and know all the old information.

first we're going to listen to this song and i mean listen to it and love it and then listen to it all over again. when i heard it tonight my stomach dropped and i fell in love with it immediately.



additionally you should go here: Cover Lay Down and read this music blog that i follow and hear some of the cover songs posted there.... you know how i feel about music and that the soundtrack we give ourselves really changes us and makes us what we are. i wish that people had external speakers that could play whatever we are thinking about... like the montage in movies where someone is walking or running and the song plays over the top... that is how i envision my life sometimes... the memories are there and i view them from a respectful distance (so not to get muddy, hurt or involved all over again) and i hear the music crest over the distasteful parts... music can always bring me right back there. a song can literally bring it all back.... right to the surface.

so once upon a time... (because that's how stories start around here)... there was this girl who lived all over the world. she traveled through most of southeast asia and moved almost every year. each time she started over again and made new friends (sort of). she never really got involved... it was just too messy and complicated and painful and things were sort of um... chaotic at home. (is that the nice way we say that?) so then when she is 15 she moves to this tiny town in arizona... which really isn't that tiny... and she has to begin to make friends with people - real friends that really know her. the problem is that there are so many versions of her, so many different places, so many imagined or real things that got fucked up along the way and somewhat important is the home life. the life we don't talk about even today. the parts we glaze over and we forget and we deny and we avoid.

so she set about making those friends and doing those things and creating that illusion of normalcy. i'll be honest here because i'm the narrator of this little fairy tale and sometimes the narrator gives that creepy voice over thing that gives the audience that glimpse into the future and real insight into what is "really" going on.... the truth is that it was an illusion period. full stop. end of sentence. the honest truth is that everything was so fucked up that it was a horrible front... it was the best she could do at 15 with the tools she had been given. so those years now seem so distant - literally and metaphorically. those years seem to not belong to her because the internal conversation went on a loop something like this:

everything is fine. smile and nod. it's fine. does anyone realize i'm on the fucking edge here? does anyone see what i see? do they know how fucked up everything in my life is? am i as fucking transparent as i feel? it's fine. everything is fine. smile and nod.

and that horrible front built on 15 year old knowledge and worn out coping tools looked something like confidence, anger, rebellion, alcoholism, hatred, violence, indifference, apathy and mostly it looked like a person that a fucking mess. and so the girl spent most of her time looking like it was all fine and doing shit that girls that are a fucking mess do... she dated boys that treated her as badly as she felt. she distanced herself from really knowing anyone. from really letting anyone in.

so about 3 years later when her grandfather died after the most recent relationship exploded into bits of fucked up ugly pieces that bad relationships explode into she looked around and realized that there wasn't anyone. they had no idea how she drove all night from that shitty little town just so that she could sit in his office and wear his old shirt and how four irish whiskey and waters into that night she realized that she was alone in the world. they didn't know that he had been such a big part of her that when he was buried she almost slept at the cemetery that night so he wouldn't be alone. when she drove home from that trip still reeling from the shock and pain that she packed her things and left that little town. she ran. she ran. in the next four years she moved frequently. to phoenix, los angeles, new york city, on tour and back to phoenix.

along the way she made more messes. she got herself into more messes. if we're all being honest here... she almost didn't make it... on more than one occasion. there was that night in california that we never speak of.... that black horrible indelible night. the three days after that where she didn't speak or really even acknowledge the world in general. the day of police questioning that revictimized a 24 year old girl that in all fairness didn't have the best coping skills. and the eight months that followed that she didn't eat, didn't sleep, had anxiety attacks, drank like she did when she was 17, took pills like they were candy and sometimes took too many just to feel like she could escape for a time into blackout sleep.

then came the most unlikely saviours. she got pregnant by accident (turns out pills are only 97% effective) most people would believe that this girl had no business raising another child. in fact people said it out loud... to her face... and still she knew somewhere inside her that this was the only thing big enough to get her to focus forwards instead of backwards. and so she became a mom. she had an amazing baby that changed her life and saved her from the self destruction she had been hell bent on. she went to a therapist. she stopped having the internal conversation that said she was beyond saving. she started telling herself that everything was going to work itself out. she started believing it. she found herself surrounded by friends that knew and understood her. she sought out people that would forgive who she had been and wait patiently by for her to become the person she could be. she grew up. she found love and hope and patience and confidence and happiness and it turns out that she had all the business in the world raising a child. in fact it's the first thing she didn't fail at. it's the first thing she didn't run from. it's the first thing she did with the focus forward on the light at the end of the tunnel.

i tell that story as the opening to this little blog entry:
this weekend i saw people from my past. from the darkness where now there is only light in my life. i learned that frustration and anger and disappointment from being a teenager has faded so much over time that it is simply a very distant montage of me growing and learning and changing doing the best i could do at the time. when the weekend was over i didn't want it to end. i felt like i had come home. full circle. and it was strange and wonderful. i am so grateful for that time. for that glimpse. for the perspective from here, the safe distance that i have achieved and the calm inside of me that comes from reflection, understanding and love. which comes the line in the song above... yes you are still supposed to be listening... "Nobody said it was easy, No one ever said it would be so hard, I’m goin’ back to the start"

there is another part of all of this. another ugly part that is difficult to talk about in this open forum without worrying about how my words will be interpreted. i will say it this simply. although i wish i had the chance to communicate better, handle things differently and alter the outcome slightly i have no regrets. i am not going to start second guessing the path right now. i'm simply going to enjoy the scenery and know what i know today each day until it's time to cross a bridge.

how could i not go to bed grateful tonight? how could i not be happy? yes john... i'm writing my own happiness check... i'm the only one responsible for that.

clouds got in my way

it's been a joni mitchell kind of day. work is good. i am keeping my head above water... which is good. i'm good. things are good.. ish... esque...

so read joni mitchell below and then think about all the things you would have done if clouds had not got in the way....

in the meantime i go to sleep and soon i'll have enough energy to do something more than work, sleep and eat. can't make any promises though... as to when or what i'll do when i'm on that side of it... or how i'll get there... or if i'll sleep and eat enough to still be fun...


joni mitchell - both sides now
Rows and flows of angel hair,
and ice cream castles in the air,
and feathered canyons everywhere,
I've looked at clouds that way,
but now they only block the sun.
They rain and snow on everyone.
So many things I would have done,
but clouds got in my way.
I've looked at clouds from both sides now,
from up and down,
and still somehow,
it's cloud illusions I recall.
I really don't know clouds...at all.

Moons and Junes and ferris wheels,
the dizzy dancing way you feel
as every fairy tale comes real;
I've looked at love that way.
But now it's just another show.
You leave 'em laughing when you go
and if you care, don't let them know,
don't give yourself away.
I've looked at love from both sides now,
from give and take,
and still somehow
it's love's illusions I recall.
I really don't know love at all.

Tears and fears and feeling proud,
to say "I love you" right out loud,
dreams and schemes and circus crowds,
I've looked at life that way.
But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads,
they say I've changed.
Somethings lost but somethings gained
in living every day.
I've looked at life from both sides now,
from win and lose,
and still somehow
it's life's illusions I recall.
I really don't know life at all.

olivia newton john sucks

and i'm apparently not afraid to confront it.

things are busy. i can't seem to get ahead of the game or even in the game. the only thing it seems i can do is true to catch up, eat pf chang's with rhett, john, kathy and the kids and then make a playlist right before going to bed exhausted.

literally this is all i can type... i'm falling asleep while typing. but two important things to know: 1. i fucking love love love damien rice and would have 10,000 of his babies... i mean seriously "why did you sing hallelujah if it means nothing to ya? why did you sing with me at all?..." he's a genius 2. i don't even know what two is... i'm so tired i forgot it while i was trying to spell hallelujah.

'night.

fatigue

"it'll take you a couple of vodka and tonics to set you on your feet again..." - elton john



all i can write today is that i am tired. too tired for the above mentioned vodka tonics that i may need very very desperately... just to get through everything on my plate. very very tired. ready for bed and for the lack of thought that will come with sleep. it was a good day - work was great, the weather was great, the drive home was a nightmare and emma was fantastic. she couldn't be a better child. seriously she is so wonderful, creative, smart and funny... not to mention cute.

beyond that - the news, sports, weather i have nothing to add. i can't even bring myself to be introspective about things because it will do no good. there is more i want to say. there is always more in moments like these. but this is all i can do today.

friends in low places... and bigger fish to fry

tonight i found that the things i believe in are very much a reality and despite feeling completely freaked out about my life in general that i have friends that love me... love me for me... the good and the bad of me. i'd love to say more and go into detail but i have bigger fish to fry.... bigger things to face and to deal with.

i'll leave you with garth brooks... didja know i love garth brooks? most country music really... it's a part of my past that i secretly love about myself. i'll also leave you with the most wonderful thing about life... gratitude. love and gratitude to john and rhett... and the inkling that if i do everything in love there can be no wrong step or mess that can't be brought back to right.

top 15 movies

here they are in order:
braveheart:


last of the mohicans:


amelie:


dances with wolves:


the patriot:


elizabeth:


joan of arc:


legends of the fall:


armageddon:


the royal tenenbaums:


the constant gardener:


the motorcycle diaries:


hotel rwanda:


50 first dates:


tombstone:

i have fantastic taste that supercedes everyone else's taste

me: oh its true

Big: I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, simply because I'm pretty sure I don't know everything, and I'm also pretty sure that you do.

me: i just said in my blog i'm stupider than you

Big: Yeah, but everyone knows that's not true.

It

It can't be.

me: it can be and it is

Big: How about we settle on being mostly equal, only that you have fantastic taste that supersedes everyone else's taste, and I'm friggin' phenomenal with doodads and whirlygigs? Does that work?
me: hahah

oh yeah it does

Big: Awesome.

it could be lack of sleep

if you do nothing else tonight or today you have to listen to the juno soundtrack below... because it's fabulous and so am i. i should have listened to roo when he told me to get it weeks ago... i'm so stupid compared to him...




it could be that i've been super super stressed out and feeling a little lonely and lost... it could be that because of that i've had very little sleep... it could simply be that i am a girl and cry at silly things like movies BUT....

i watched juno today (laying in bed with my headphones and handy dandy shiny shiny silver laptop) and i fell in love and then i cried. then i watched it again and took a nap. it's amazing. it's wonderful. it's hilarious and touching and probably the best movie i've seen in a long long time.

it makes me believe in movies again.

so my problems aren't solved and i certainly don't have the answers but today was a good good day.

i've been thinking about valentine's day...

have i mentioned how much i hate valentine's day????
i really hate it and so this year i've decided to become my own valentine.

yeah i've been thinking about it and i've made my wish list:

the sabrina bag from gucci below... it's beautiful... i do wish i had one that was like this but redder and not leather (because no one wants an animal to die so i can have a FABULOUS bag)













the bubblegum pink solitaire diamond.... i'm so in love with this ring. talk about fucking bling. i want the fake diamond version of this because it's all just carbon in the end right? the only thing it needs is a real platinum band / setting. and then to be in my life.




i'm in the market for a pink computer.... and this might just be the one i buy myself...










and lastly to replace the sidekick.... this hot little number