and here is to 2010

i love my life. i have a great life. i have a wonderful daughter who is funny and smart and loving. i have a family who is good to each other and loves each other. i am proud of my siblings, their choices and of the people they have chosen to be in their lives. school is exciting and a challenge and i have really enjoyed every minute of it! i have amazing friends... amazing friends... that support and love me through thick and thin. lastly, but not least, i have a boyfriend who is a pillar of strength in my life. he is my best friend, my lover and everything i could have ever hoped for in a man.

2010 will hold big changes for us.... some of them are bigger than i can imagine. some have already happened and i'm so grateful. there might be less blogs in 2010. i seem to have less angst and that was what i blogged about. please don't take it personally. i hope to find something else to put here - daily photographs maybe? to fill the daily spots.

happy new year!

I have no excuse....

i have no excuse for not blogging this week except we've been really busy and the outdoors was just too appealing... check out emma and madison swimming today and having a blast!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

my name is lex and i'm grateful

'if ever i should ever seem to take for granted, this lovely life that i have been handed, darlin' don't just stand there, come knock me around....' - jets to brazil - wish list

last night as shannon and i were driving home from the bbq with the girls in the car i realized that my life is pretty fucking awesome. my grades from last semester were great, i got a paid research internship this summer, i have wonderful friends and em is not only doing great in school... she's just an amazing kid. i don't think there is anything that could be better in my life right now... there are things i would definitely change or adjust but sometimes it's good to just sit back and really enjoy what you have.

on that note.. i'm going to be grateful and relax. and listen to the decemberists. and maybe make tea... and maybe dance around a little while packing.

your sense of entitlement

knowing what you can change and what you cannot

somedays you have to figure out the hard way what and who you cannot change. that's all you can do... realize what is within your control and what is not. then as my 7 year old said when she got off the phone with her dad yesterday "i have to move on with my life". here's to moving on and letting go.

ps - my heart is definitely in san diego along with my new tattoo..

guilty pleasures #2

while we're here and i'm admitting scary things... i think it's only fair that i should admit to like these as well...

i'm so 3008, you're so 2000 and late...
the black eyed peas - boom boom pow


lady gaga - poker face


and this one... that i'm still sitting the fence about whether it's okay to like or not... it's so... so... oh it's so good. but it's so bad. it's the ringtone when my roommate calls me and i'm always 1/2 worried that someone will hear it but secretly want it to play longer. ugh. i'm such a mess.

zac brown band - chicken fried

hell in a head gasket

my car is... well... being an issue. and looks like i need a head gasket. *sigh*

i didn't do well on my physics exam last week. *ugh*

i have a calculus exam tomorrow. *bluh*

i have a research paper to write about the effects of environmental racism. *yuck*

the dishes need doing. *......*

however, i got to talk to my favorite chester boy today for an hour and a half. *hooray*

i have a fun activity planned with emma this afternoon post school. and she got 100% on her spelling test last week!! *woohoo*

my coffee was exceptionally awesome this morning. *mmmmm*

i get to see dawnielle this weekend. *sigh, in a good way*


i've decided what happens in life is not personal. this is life. i make choices. some are good and some are flawed. i just take it one day at a time, do what i can do and patiently wait for things to work themselves out. when they work out i am grateful. when it's difficult going or it requires lots of doing i take it one step at a time and cross the bridges as they come. when they don't work out i sigh but am grateful for the lesson. it's all okay and it's just life. it's meant to be challenging and exciting and a learning curve.

i'd still like an instruction booklet though....

shoulda coulda woulda

should be studying for physics... energy and force and acceleration and whatnot but i just can't seem to muster up the energy to accelerate my ass in that direction... it feels.. well like i'm being forced. come'on you know i'm clever... that's funny right?... i totally know. i'm funny.

and apparently give good sound bites. that's at least what an ignorant asshole wrote me the other day when i told him to go peddle crazy somewhere else.... then he rambled on with incoherent shit for another two paragraphs or so. i'd probably remember it but it was ridiculous and chock full of crazy. now, i know i'm supposed to be able to be above that sort of negativity. trust me. that was the positive version of what i wanted to say... i guess sometimes you just have to call a duck a duck.

luckily i am able to focus on physics, my friends and the good things in my life. it makes me thankful that i have time and space between myself and self deluded lying drug addicts who manipulate every situation to be about themselves.

found... 1 iP0d

two days ago i found an iP0d that i lost while i lived in alaska at the bottom of a backpack and although it has hundreds of songs on it i found about 50 songs i had forgotten that i absolutely loved. i recommend losing an iP0d that you know you'll get back just to enjoy the sound of music almost two years later...

for your listening pleasure here are two of my favorites...

comin' home from cali and this life's so thick that you can hardly swim on through it

it was a long weekend in cali... i'm not ready to talk about it.

i haven't dropped off the face of the earth... i'm just processing the circle of life and what it means to really live. i'm facing what it means to be in my thirties and no longer be a child protected from black news and black days... to have to face what is inevitable about living and about breathing and that is that one day you will cease to do both.

i'm learning, processing, breathing and being grateful for absolutely everything in my life. sometimes when you can do nothing else you can recognize that you get today. there are no other promises and when it has to come down to it... today is enough.

i have pictures to post of trees. i have heartache to blog about. i have things to think about. tonight though, i have to sleep.

and this song is the new cali song... because as dawnielle said today it just makes her happy in her heart. and some days... because she is the one i've known my whole life and more days than not she is the best parts of me... making her happy makes me happy. and i'm grateful for that.

nick rallis and these united states save the day

my ip0d is sorely not me anymore. i hate it when that happens... when suddenly everything you listen to seems to just fit another person or another life. when all the songs remind you of how things used to be like something else or of someone else. suddenly it seems that you have outgrown yourself and you spend a few days wondering what you're going to listen to instead. in truth there is a whole lot of soul searching right before that point but the ip0d is where it's noticed... as if everything was fine until you just can't stand the music you used to love.

i have been on a quest for new things and new ideas... i've been combing hypem.com and every music blog i can find... it's tough going though... not everything is made for loving.

here are some things i have found...
Drag the River - Jeff Black Song

i fell in love with these united states again... specifically the song so high so low so wide so long...
i mean for real... i have a heart pounding sugar coated love thing for them.. like how i feel about mango ice cream. i don't even like ice cream... and yet i love it. i digress...



and if that's not enough to make your heart pitter patter and your face light up at the sheer genius then go here and watch them in the secret garden video:
Hoovesontheturf.com

the music search is probably temporary but while i'm in the throes of missing good tunes feel free to make your suggestions... i'm gettin' desperate here. which i suppose is indicative of more crucial things...

i guess it's something about getting your heart broken... i mean really broken. the kind of heart break that leaves you feeling sort of empty and wondering when it's not going to seem dark. the kind of heart break that only comes from realizing a friend that has been in your life for years has become the worst version of themselves. sometimes addiction and heartache break people and those people just can't honor the good things in their lives. they become thieves and liars. and initially i thought i could forgive it. forgive the theft and the lies. but i cannot. and i don't know what has me so in a funk... i guess simply the loss of the friendship. just in case you've been reading along these past few weeks and wonder what i'm on about lately... i've had to face that a friend is so addicted to their negative vices that he is not able to be anything but a liar. and it has broken my heart.

not like "that"... i have a boyfriend. i always have. we have been on again and off again for years. he's a really good boy. the best kind. he allows me to fall in love with bands and to have my own life - blogging and talking about all these obscure things, to raise my child, to be the person i want to be, to make mistakes, to succeed, to have male friends that break my heart. he supports me and sends me sweet text messages first thing in the morning. he writes me poetry, sings to me (well, he would if i asked him to and does spontaneously sometimes) and if i let him he would even make me banana pancakes. it's so strange that being loved by my best friends, my lover and my family doesn't change how crappy i feel about being betrayed. i suppose all i can continue to do is study for my calculus exam and then wrap myself up in my covers and listen to nick rallis. up loud.

loud enough that it doesn't matter that i found out last what everyone else seemed to know... drug addicts and alcoholics that don't want recovery cannot be saved no matter how much you love them. and while they are stubbornly un-recovered they are ticking time bombs waiting to go off and then lie to everyone to avoid taking responsibility. jameson anyone?

it's very simple really

you don't know what you need...



face to face - disconnected

it's still such a fucking good song. and it makes me happy. happier than a lot of other things. infact i have found today that there are many things that have an inverse proportional relationship to my happiness.

in fairness.... inverse proportional relationships are my new favorite thing.

a saturday affair

yesterday we were out and about... and enjoying the day. i got a little burnt and ate too much frozen lemonade but we had a great time. ahh... the end of spring break.

back to work for me.

yesterday

my friend ryan were walking from one place to another on campus. we pass the "commons" and there are like 6 girls / women up on stage with microphones and loud speakers. i hear one girl say "thongs are the worst" over her microphone and i look at ryan.
me: what the hell is that?
ryan: you didn't hear they're doing the vagina monologues on campus today?
me: jesus.
chick over loudspeaker: if my vagina could talk it would say...

then the doors to the library close behind us
me: if that chick's vagina could talk it would say "shut up! you're embarrassing me."

i'm not ready to make nice....

dixie chicks... not ready to make nice


i realize that i have asked for forgiveness from people and i have been fortunate enough that i have always received it... for the most part and usually in a way that is constructive and helpful for continuing my life.

i've thought a lot over the past few days about what forgiveness means and what it should be about...

–verb (used with object)

1.	to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.

2.	to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.).

3.	to grant pardon to (a person).

4.	to cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one's enemies.

5.	to cancel an indebtedness or liability of: to forgive the interest owed on a loan.

–verb (used without object)

6.	to pardon an offense or an offender.

"in general, forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentments and thoughts of revenge. Forgiveness is the act of untying yourself from thoughts and feelings that bind you to the offense committed against you. This can reduce the power these feelings otherwise have over you, so that you can a live freer and happier life in the present. Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you. Forgiving isn't the same as forgetting what happened to you. The act that hurt or offended you may always remain a part of your life. But forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help you focus on other, positive parts of your life. Forgiveness also doesn't mean that you deny the other person's responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn't minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act."

and i believe that forgiveness itself is important and should be offered to anyone who is willing to say they are sorry and earnestly request it. i really believe that. no matter what the offense is or how it seems to be difficult. forgiving is part of being the person i want to be.

and so i offer you this... the specific you, not the royal you, who is asking for forgiveness and called me tonight to tell me about how you think about me and how you feel... i forgive you. not for you but for me. there is no ill-will from my side of the continental united states.

however i'm not ready to make nice. i'm not ready to talk about it or hear about how you are doing or what is going on with you. i'm just not. i wish i was and that i could just wave a magic wand and make this divide between us disappear.... but i can't. there isn't that kind of magic in the world and to be honest i'm not sure that is the best thing for me. i'm still trying to process and understand what has happened and why.

i'm still trying to get my head around how you thought this was my fault. i'm still trying to put it in perspective and be able to understand what all this means in the scope of the here and now. i haven't even begun to look at what it means in the future.

and god does it sting. it all sucks. i'm not happy about our current state either. this is the last thing i wanted but avoiding is only going to cause that false premise in the future and more issues for us to dissect and worry about in years to come. additionally i'm hoping that you might take this time to understand your part in all of this.

so i can say that for now radio silence is in effect... until further notice. i don't know when that notice will be or what needs to happen before then. you'll be the second person to know when i'm ready to talk to you... i'll of course be the first. in the meantime let's not do the thing where you call me to talk about it. i know for sure or fo' sho' as the kids say that it doesn't feel good.

i wish you well on your journey. take care of yourself. take care of what you need to take care of. i'll be doing the same here.... and working in earnest to be at peace with all that our story has become.

physics is reality

or perhaps it isn't but i realized today that fixing your life... like really fixing it and making it the life you want to live can be solved like a physics problem. it's all about force, motion, gravity, velocity, acceleration, position and the ever important delta.

oh delta. the change in something. your final position minus your initial position is your delta... the actual amount that you have grown, moved, lived, thought or realized. we all need a little delta in our lives.

you can always figure out your relative ratio to the past by using the law of sines or cosines. you can always know what you velocity is, what direction you are headed and you know the force of gravity in your life.

i have to remind myself that things don't always work out in physics problems and in real life. more importantly sometimes it's not even about getting the right answer... it's about what you learn while you're busy getting shit all wrong. sometimes we get answers that surprise us, sometimes there is more than one answer, and most of all it's important to remember that it's okay to define the positive direction of your own personal coordinate system.

most importantly it's okay to look at a problem and know when you're done with the "physics" part and the rest of the answer is just the math that goes along with it... i should apply that more frequently in my own life... why am i continuing to pursue the solution to a finite end when at some point i can step back and know that i've achieved the growth and understanding that the problem was meant to teach me.

what am i here for anyway? to be right or to understand myself, grow in every way and to be the best version of myself that i can be? most days the answer is the latter.... some days i still fail and go for being right... luckily i know how to learn from those days.

luckily i know how big my personal delta is these days, i know what is the positive direction for myself, i know how to define the magnitude of vectors and i am ever respectful of gravity and i'm increasingly wary of trying to just "get to the right answer".... even i'm a little proud.

isn't it just simply...

isn't it just simply amazing that we can bend and move and change and withstand many things and then the simplest things... the small breeches in the barrier of trust seem as if they are going to be the things that break our hearts completely?

go here to hear what i'm listening to:

only love can break your heart
go your own way

(thanks to cover lay down for the soundtrack)

i realized today that two things are true:
1. getting your feelings hurt, trust broken, losing friendship... all those things hurt and initially it stings so much that it feels like there is no bridging the gap in what is "past" or before and what is "future" or after.
2. those things are actually good. once you pick yourself up from what gravity has done and started to assess the damages to your system... you realize that the hurt means you are breathing, interacting, and being vulnerable.

vulnerable is good. growing is good. sometimes even pain is good.

the perspective that comes from vulnerability, growth and pain is even better. not just as good as... it's better. teaching ourselves about life and the life we want by being open to life is difficult but it's what gets us to where we want to go.

thanks for taking this part of the journey with me... for teaching me perspective through pain. i'm still angry and still don't want to be open to learning this lesson again... but at least i can be grateful and happy that i've learned it. good things came of it... i learned to say no and i learned to have a conflict in which i stood up for myself. funny how the worst can bring out the best in people.

cupcakes... and g.i. joe

so now i know...
and knowing is half the battle...

downright bizarre

okay, so i was looking for volunteer opportunities on craigslist and i found this other thing... this weird weird thing called missed connections... and there are posts... some are downright creepy, sad, bizarre and just... well effed up.... here are a few of my favorites...

You Have My Wedding Ring - m4w - 35 (Goodyear)

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Reply to: pers-923084859@craigslist.org ^[?]
Date: 2008-11-17, 2:44PM MST


Jennie I meet you in BHC I knew you were in a relationship (Lee who you said spends way to much time on the internet) but I told you I was single. Well I'm
not and my wedding ring fell out of my pants in your living room. You have my #
so please call me "I need that ring back!!!" My wife (the one in the picture with me, I said was my sister is going to leave me if I dont have that ring back in a few days. It was her grandfathers wedding ring. Please If anyone knows Jennie who hangs out at west gate and dates an internet addict named Lee give her the message.

THE CHRISTMAS "PRESENT" - w4m - 46 (LV)

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Reply to: pers-960192183@craigslist.org ^[?]
Date: 2008-12-16, 10:59AM MST



I'm not so sure as to the exact moment,
but I do know...that I've searched for that moment my whole life.

Life has a funny way when it sets us on a journey, we have so much preconceived in what we seek, only to find that "all" is not what we find at all.

I feel like I waited my whole life to find what you were to me; to feel what you made me feel; to care so much about you and beyond you.

I'm no longer sure that another man will ever matter in this lifetime.....you mattered the most in such a short time.

I believe the toughest journey for me ahead, is the lesson as to why we are now apart.

And now, at this ending, I understand that SOUL MATES do exist, and have further learned that they are just not always destined to be together within that same lifetime....

God knew what he was doing when we met.....we did not.

Perhaps another life, another Christmas....and we shall.....

G

To CW - So he finally moved back in..... - w4m (Paradise Valley)

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Reply to: pers-958655860@craigslist.org ^[?]
Date: 2008-12-15, 9:39AM MST

CW
I know you have him back you used the kids because you knew that was the one thing that could get to him. It won't work - whatever was wrong before is still wrong. If you could have seen him before he left our home yesterday morning a broken man crying like a baby because of what he was doing to me - loving me so much but not being able to take the threat of not seeing his kids anymore. You know that when he has to leave again it will be worse on them next time...why couldn't you just let him be happy? He is my soulmate and I know we were meant to be together forever..i love him with all my heart and I know he loves me just as much. The most important thing for your kids is to be loved and have a great realtionship with 2 parents....living in a house where one parent doesn't want to be is not healthy for them and believe me they will know....

TW...you have my heart with you...it is yours forever....I'm not giving up on our dream.

K

RYAN!!!!!! - w4m - 28 (Squalor)

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Reply to: pers-953432811@craigslist.org ^[?]
Date: 2008-12-10, 9:34PM MST


You are the most, stubborn and presumptive man I have ever loved.....the only man I have ever loved....silly monster....I know what you are thinking....you are wrong....so wrong....I am devoted to you, and only you. Hear me. Hear me. I hear you and I am waiting, patiently.

RYAN - w4m - 28 (Tucson)

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Reply to: pers-951558397@craigslist.org ^[?]
Date: 2008-12-09, 2:11PM MST


I cannot express to you, enough, how much loss I feel. How devastated my body is. How my heart has been a roller coaster of hope and despair. I am so tired of the game. I cannot go on like this. I truly, love you. Enough to say goodbye, not goodnight. I love you and would come home if you wanted. I fear that all of my waiting has been in vain. I do not believe in faith, or the magic of the wishing shrine, or my altar of devotion, or my secret longings. There is nothing now. I am accepting you are never going to come back. I am alone. You are not here, and I do not believe you will ever arrive. I want to be far away from this place, from my walking path and exist in my dreams for you. I am hopelessly sad. Please stop the madness. I am ready. I miss you. I am pleading with you. For our future, and our now.

I thought you didn't eat McDonalds? - w4m - 21 (lost)

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Reply to: pers-956115991@craigslist.org ^[?]
Date: 2008-12-13, 12:53AM MST


I keep hearing our song.

here comes the sun

found today... from the famous and perfectly wonderful hype.com -----> a belle and sebastian cover of here comes the sun.... ahhhhhhhh.... and then suddenly all is right in the world. you can go here to download it: the bat and the bird. yep. right there. just click on those words... the bat and the bird and you will go there and after the picture, actually placed nicely just below it is a little link for handy dandy downloading and then you can listen to it... it even says to jump to 1:30 if you don't want to hear all that troublesome talking. so do it. i promise things will get better.

no really they will. i promise. for example i should be studying but i'm not... why you ask? i just found this awesome site that seriously changed my whole perspective about things... know when you read something and it grabs your heart and it beats a little stronger because it's just so beautiful and poignant and it's like a poem that runs around your brain and off your tongue like sweetness? oh my gosh.. uh huh... yeah that...

go

here

now

daytrotter.com

just click on that little link and read below the downloads what it says about my favorite band and my future husbands ( i haven't decided which one... ) these united states...

you can even download the new version of first sight and some of the latest from the album crimes.

if you need to you should listen to this because it's my favorite...

honor amongst thieves

so anyway... so i'm supposed to be studying because that's what students do when they want A's and good GPAs and scholarships and things of that sort. but really, for real, i'm just over it today. i wish i had some good explanation... but i don't. sometimes i just need some time for myself to clang around in my own head and talk on the phone and read my friend m's blog because she is hilarious. sometimes i need to just cuddle with my little one and do a friend a favor and dream just a little bit about seeing a boy i like and think about all the things i would do if i had a vacation to a place with no electricity and no phone for a few days.... just sometimes i need some "me" time and i know that's just not okay in a word when every minute of everyday is scheduled but you know what? screw it... it's 11:20 and i'm doing it anyway... and now that i'm done with that i might even read a fiction book for 20 minutes *gasp*

then i might go to bed and just deal with everything else in the morning and tell myself - who cares, it is what it is, deal with it and MOVE on! because that's what m says and she has five kids - that touch snakes! - and sometimes i need to take myself way less seriously. it's only life and you know what? it's fatal. it's not that serious. in fact... sometimes it's downright funny.