and here is to 2010

i love my life. i have a great life. i have a wonderful daughter who is funny and smart and loving. i have a family who is good to each other and loves each other. i am proud of my siblings, their choices and of the people they have chosen to be in their lives. school is exciting and a challenge and i have really enjoyed every minute of it! i have amazing friends... amazing friends... that support and love me through thick and thin. lastly, but not least, i have a boyfriend who is a pillar of strength in my life. he is my best friend, my lover and everything i could have ever hoped for in a man.

2010 will hold big changes for us.... some of them are bigger than i can imagine. some have already happened and i'm so grateful. there might be less blogs in 2010. i seem to have less angst and that was what i blogged about. please don't take it personally. i hope to find something else to put here - daily photographs maybe? to fill the daily spots.

happy new year!

then there is love...

there is a part of every person... i think... that wants to fall in love. i think the idea is that it's just not possible, or probable, or maintainable, or worth it.

i want to say for the record that's it's improbable but it's possible and it can be maintained and it's so so worth it.

i'm in love with a man. he's my best friend and the person that i dream about at night. he makes me laugh. he likes the bad things and the good things about me... on most days. he is everything i've ever wanted in a partner. i believe with every ounce of my being that he is meant to be my love for life.

and it's strange. it's sometimes unbelievable because if you look at where we've been it seems as if no two people survive what we've been through. i want to survive with him. i want to spend everyday with him. i want to let go of what has happened and come back to the happy ending i never even knew i wanted.

i hope you'll understand when i say... i love him unconditionally and completely and i hope one day he'll feel the same about me.

pictures are up!!

we had an amazing time having our pictures taken by aubrey - you can find her website here at photobyaubrey.com  she was fun and funny and took it in stride that we were a little late and a LOT hung over. it was important to us as a family to be able to have these photos taken and i am so happy about the way that these turned out - we can't WAIT to see the rest!

 

 

 

 

do you realize?

thanksgiving was wonderful. it was a wonderful experience... full of good laughs and a new found gratitude and love for my family. we are normal - despite the things that make us abnormal. my siblings, my daughter and my parents are people i respect and love.

something happened though over the few days that has given me an idea to think about. oh, how i love a new idea to take apart and think about over and over and over again. it's something that happened in our house and it has to do with forgiveness and letting go of the past.

it seems that there are things that happen in life. there are good things and bad things and in between things. the in between things seem to get swept away with the sands of time - mediocre dinners, movies, experiences, conversations. those are neutral and ultimately they neither reinforce or destroy ties. there are the good things. the good things are memories and they bring a feeling of warmth and love. these are the things that are what make life pleasant, loving and fun. but it's the bad things and how you deal with them in the grand scale of time that create an attitude of either love or frustration and resentment which lead to anger.

here is my opinion - about those bad things. it's just my opinion and perhaps i don't know shit about shit... i'm open to being wrong (and if i am please speak UP so i can look at this new idea in a different light).

bad shit happens. people do bad shit, act like shits, say shitty things and sometimes even shit on you. in time usually those people apologize, grow, change and behave in new ways. (if they don't do any of those things or they are oblivious to the changes that need to be made that's a different rant) when you recieve time, growth and an apology you have two choices: forgive or hold on. holding on leads to death of relationships, forgiving offers a chance for your heart to hold new ideas and new good things. in my opinion, there is only so much room in your heart - like your closet - you can either store good things or negative things. dredging up the past and choosing to be resentful over it only limits YOU. it only serves to prevent YOU from being the person you want to be.

there is no time machine. there is no way to go back and change the past. there is only this moment and the future. why choose to let the past dictate your present or your future? why choose to let negative resentments and anger rule the potential happiness? why not allow people to apologize, accept their part, you accept your part and try to build a bridge to the present? it seems silly to me to hold on to the angry feelings that are chained in the past... ultimately you're the only one still standing there and you're missing out on the gift of the present.

here is to forgiving and moving forward...

if you choose to set those bags down i think you'll find your journey is easier. but you can have whatever journey you want. i'm definitely not the boss of you.

may your journey bring you to peace. it's a big world out there but i hope you'll find your way to your own brand of happiness.

almost thankful

there is tons of excitement going on around here. my brother and his girlfriend arrive this afternoon and i just cannot wait. it's strange to get older and not have both my siblings in the same house at the same time.

and my brother is amazing. he's grown into a man. some people might say that the marines are what gave him his character and integrity but i've known him since he was born and i think he was born that way.

the other day i talked to him and he told me two important things: 1.) character can't be instilled in the unwilling 2.) when struggling at something you should remember that failure is not an option.

i can't wait to sit and talk to him and marvel at how wonderful a man he's become.

just can't wait...

today is the day that my sister - the lovely lala - arrives from the land of art school. i just can't wait to see her. in case i haven't ranted lately about how amazing she is... she is AMAZING. she's smart and funny and cool.... and beautiful. and i miss her. i miss her daily and it's been too long!

she is totally going to get a tattoo of a pink do-do with me (maybe not at thanksgiving)... but we're definitely going to sonic!... and to get frozen custard... and to the bar!!!! (maybe)

will post pictures of shenanigans... and you should listen to this song because we totally will...

thank you for knowing i'm grateful

i love my life. i don't think i say that enough. i truly do love. my. life.

i have so many great things - my family (who will all be under ONE roof for thanksgiving), great friends - the kind that don't even care that this break up has completely thrown me for a loop and understand that i have to keep up at school and with emma as if the boy didn't pull out my heart and stomp on it so they are kind enough to listen in the evenings, my daughter emma who continually is a joy to be around - she's the kind of kid that just says hilarious stuff and is silly at all the right times but so amazingly intelligent and beautiful.

i'm fortunate. i know i'm fortunate. and sometimes i don't express that enough here. i say the things i don't say elsewhere... it's my outlet. it's my time to vent or to talk about how i'm feeling about the things that you don't say at the dinner table or to the cashier at the grocery store that asks "how are you today?" and so i appreciate that you read and understand the perspective and love me even though lately all i want to do is talk about how breaking up sucks.

i promise that if you can hold on this will get better. i'm stronger everyday. i understand more everyday that this relationship ending is actually a really really good thing. and along the way i'm trying to learn about myself and about the world... thanks for being along for the ride.

it's a music sunday

i'm in love with www.coverlaydown.com

i can't say enough about how well it's put together or how it makes me happy every single time he posts. it's well written and deep and it involves music. i recommend you have a little rss feed that links to him and that you give donations to his blog in all your friends and family's names for christmas.... i think it would be selfish not to really.

here are some gems i found tonight:

lucas mire - part missing - (orig. lori carson)

david potts - dupre - i am trying to break your heart - (orig. wilco)

and you know who you are... don't you?

sometimes in life it seems, from my perspective, that people just don't know "who" they are. they have ideas and thoughts and experiences but they leap from situation to situation without any real growth or responsibility. they are always looking for the next thing that will make them feel good without any thought about the long run. when you look at the track record of those people it's clear to see that destruction is left in the wake of their selfish manipulations.

sometimes finding out "who" someone is can change the way everything looks. the change feels almost immediate and the relief in the core is palpable. that's how i feel today. i realize, now, that i have been waiting for the return of a person that never existed. i have been waiting, bloody heart in hand, day after day after day for the return of a fictional character.

it's sad and it's shocking... at first... and then after an hour or so it's just a huge relief. like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

my brain literally said: "you mean i don't have to wait around for mr. hyde instead of dr. jekyll? you mean i don't have to sit through blaming and accusations? you mean i don't have to compromise absolutely everything and then apologize for that not being enough? you mean i don't have to pretend that love means you sleep with another person? you mean i don't have to trust a liar? you mean it's no longer a hostage negotiation? i don't have to do business with an emotional terrorist?"

and once i realized that it's over... it's really over it suddenly felt as if i could breathe again. as if i've been holding my breath all these months. and i don't know if you know what that feels like. what it's really like to finally exhale and then inhale again. but i can tell you, from my perspective, it feels good. really really good.

tgifriday?

i've had the longest night in the history of long nights. well, at least the longest night i've had in a few years. sometimes people still surprise me. just when you think that know someone... you think you really really know them... they come up with something that complete surprises you. strangely, that's never that they make a perfect chocolate cake from scratch or that they help the homeless... it's always something that is a kick in the teeth.

but because it's friday and i'm tired. i'm letting it go. all of it. i'm forgiving and forgetting. as long as this ghost of my past life promises never to haunt me again. and if you'll be so kind as to indulge me...

it's nice...

break up lesson #63: when your ex-boyfriend calls your parents house in the middle of the night it makes him a jerk. it's still undecided what it says about you.

better tomorrow... it's wednesday. who doesn't like wednesday?

tuesdays are good...

it's tuesday... and you should have a soundtrack... and it should be this song that i love.... because i love it, you love me and in turn i give you things that will make you love tuesday. see? now we're all happy.

dawn landes - i won't back down (tom petty cover)

oh, and you should read www.coverlaydown.com regularly... because he is a genius and it's an amazing music blog.

just sayin'.

a walk down memory lane... brings me to the future

heard this song on the radio tonight and had a fun time singing with emma... funny how she knows the words... i don't really know how that happened.



and the important thing to remember is...
"It just takes some time
Little girl you're in the middle of the ride
Everything will be just fine
Everything will be alright"

... sigh... remember the 90s and when this song came out? man, i thought i had problems then... if i had only known. luckily... the truth is that everything really did work out fine, everything is alright.

that's perspective for you. it should help tomorrow. tuesdays are made for perspective and positive outlooks.

then good ol' 43 hits...

relationships ending is weird. it's uncomfortable and it's strange... or maybe i'm just uncomfortable and strange inside of the experience.

today i remembered the break experience #43 - when you concretely realize that when "i'll always love you" was said it really meant "i'll love you until it's not really all that convenient and then i find another girl (who doesn't think i'm an asshole) to sleep with me, which will be pretty quick after we break up because in all actuality i really don't love you all that much"

it's harder than #7 - telling a friend you haven't talked to in awhile that the relationship is over but you don't really want to talk about it

and definitely harder than #22 - realizing that things that were your "couple" favorite - movies, songs, jokes and little intimate things - are now off limits

but it's not the most difficult thing in the world.... hopefully.... because i have other stuff to do this week and i'm tired of thinking about it.

a sunday adventure!

we.... both of us... needed to get out of the house and the weather here has been absolutely beautiful! so we headed out to wander and along the way we took a few pictures. the first two are by emma - of her dog who she loves more than anything and the second is a self portrait that she took. the rest are of what was around on the first part of our journey. after lunch we're headed back out to this great park and then over to a friend's house for dinner. more pictures to follow!

just realized they didn't all come through here... you can go here to see them! http://picasaweb.google.com/alexisgillmore/November2009AWeekendAdventure#

 
 
 
 

you're back

wait.. i'm back.

i've been on hiatus. it's a long story. you should know that it's not you... i promise it wasn't about you. it was about not being able to post. really. it's a long boring story without a good ending.

but let's not talk about the past.

let's talk about what i'm currently in LOVE with....

drum roll please....

lowercases and capitals

it's pure awesomeness. if awesomeness was hot, had great music taste, drank jameson, a great sense of humor and could write amazing posts.

go there immediately and read everything. everything i tell you.

and then come back tomorrow and i'll have something for ya.

lala's day

today is my sister's birthday. she is fabulous. i would say more but what more is there to say about the most perfect 20 year old that ever lived?? seriously... she's everything i hope to be or wish i was... and i think she is the best kind of friend a girl can have. she is funny, fun and helped me invent uppie doos and the word gggrrraaarrr. she doesn't take herself too seriously and i appreciate that. i need that in my life. more than anyone knows. and so to her... i say happy birthday and i bid you goodnight.

these united states - get yourself home

cute hair, good music, great mood

so i got a new haircut and it's even cuter and sassier than the last one. i love love love cute and sassy hair! additionally there are pictures below but first we must take care of the playlist for today! find that below... but beware that i am in a mood for guilty pleasures and some top 40s music... it's my i can't wait to get the fuck on the road mix... and not because i can't wait to get there but because i love road trips:

so i've thrown down the gauntlet that i've never been cuter in my life and i never will. this haircut is my favourite in a long long time... to be honest it's been such a long time since i've loved my hair that i can't stop looking at this new do. maybe that's why i'm so cute because i think i am... they say feeling that way inside makes it look like it on the outside... whatever it is i am so thankful that caroline could fit me in for one last haircut and that she was generous enough to let me copy her super cute hair.

i'm leaving on a road trip on monday. really it's an excited nervous high - i'm leaving WISCONSIN!!! so long suckers and snow and i'm going to be on the road. i love pulling out with all my stuff in the car and being in total control of what happens for the days i'm on the road. remember i'm pretty much no maintenance these days - so camping on the side of the road, sleeping in my car, eating oatmeal or granola bars and fruit and drinking truck stop coffee are things that make me a happy happy girl. add taking self portraits while pulled over in random spots and taking pictures of trees and you have magic as far as i'm concerned. i just can't wait. i can't wait... oh and i think it could go without saying but i won't leave it... cuz well i'm just in that kind of mood... i'll be done with passive aggressiveness and i can officially say "i got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one..." already i can feel myself feeling restless and excited... happy... elated... i'm literally beaming. sometimes it's good to be free right before the shackles are officially locked onto your limbs again... after this it will be back to work until april... but it's been an awesome run -- october 1st to now without working one day. unless you consider dealing with family stress, 10 inches of snow and worrying everyday about how it's possible that everything is going to work out a jobby job. which now that it's all over i really don't... i definitely enjoyed my little hiatus from the slave force that is our economy.

the roadtrip plan goes like this: leave 'sconsin on monday sometime before noon. drive about 9 hours into nebraska - omaha (ish) and find a place to sleep for the night...
tuesday morning get up for some truck stop coffee and then drive about 8 hours into denver... where i will stay tuesday & wednesday with my sister the lovely lala who is great. i plan to have great times with her and meet her kitten optimus prime and then perhaps we'll have some drinks and stay up late talking about everything in the world and how the ocean makes problems seem smaller since it is so so so big. additionally we'll probably take cute pictures of ourselves in sunglasses and make funny faces.
thursday morning ish get up and drive to pueblo to see uncle tony and brigette. stay thursday night in their brand new nice house and have some drinks and good times... plus confirm our cabin reservation for our april trip.
friday morning get up and drive the 11 hours into phoenix and end up at shannon's house just in time for the weekend!
hopefully my cell phone will get fixed on the road - as soon as i can find a t-mobile store - those stupid mother effers. i hate that i have a $400 phone that doesn't do anything except hold phone numbers. it's totally stupid!

so many good good things. new hair, roadtrip and the planning of the april trip to the canyon.

the april trip is an awesome plan and no matter who shows up i'm going. i'm totally going. all the other suckers can sit around discussing if they want to go, if it's too early to plan and all the other sucker details. it may just end up being zach, liam and i. if that's how it all shakes out i think it will still be awesome! we're planning a week with some days up at the family cabin in flagstaff, at least two days hiking and one night in the grand canyon and then MAYBE overnight in vegas.... it's the best of all worlds: activity, a once in a lifetime event, relaxation and VEGAS! what other kind of vacation could you do all those things???? seriously it's four months away and i'm super excited.

so things are good. i have good things in front of me. i have good friends with me. i have good in my heart and i'm finding the good in things instead of being miserable about the changes. it's all a state of mind right? right?? yes. it's all a state of mind. i'm rocking my new hair and an awesome mix of songs while thinking about how everything will work out. it simply will.

memories... but not the good kind...

today's playlist is here... a mix of old good songs and new favourites:

today i found that after all these years i finally found some validation and justification for everything i've ever felt or said about my mother. the moment was so amazing and life changing that i will never forget it. it was all over in about 90 seconds but i don't think i'll ever be able to erase it from my memory bank.... today while in a movie theatre... during the main feature... that was definitely playing... my mother answered her cell phone and then proceeded to have a conversation.

i'll give you a minute to go back and reread that because it's fucking crazy i know... i mean who does that?? seriously? seriously!

i'm not sure who has already heard this story but back in the day but i broke up with a guy that i had been dating for like 6 months for that... seriously. i walked out of the movie and left him at the movie theatre. when he called me (from the movie) to ask me for a ride the only thing i could manage to get out was "this... rela.. tion... ship... is so so so fucking over"... and i meant it.

it's inexcusable. it's so shockingly bad mannered. i understand so much more about my mother tonight. i think i finally see that we are simply different creatures... different kind of people.

there are times in my life when i can remember the past in such brutal colour and vividness that i literally have to close my eyes and turn my head away from the forceful vision in front of me. i go back to those crystal clear moments and explore them as if they are frozen in time. i walk around and see what i can gather from the whole picture. i see my own face and feel what was in my heart. those are not comfortable moments. they pop up sometimes when i least expect them and then i have to shove them away like a bug flying too close to my face or head... impatiently swipe at the air and look up waiting to see if it will make another pass. today will become one of those days in the future - i'll feel my indignation and embarrassment swell up in my throat as my head snaps with cat like reflex to the left and my eyes fly wide open with horror. today will become a red letter day.

perhaps i'm making too much of nothing like the time that i insisted that the president of taco bell should call me at home because they don't make tostadas in connecticut... seriously wtf? it was still on the drive thru menu just to tease and tempt me and their explanation was that they as a state stopped carrying them because the shells broke too easily and it was creating waste. huh? so make a better shell... i fucking love tostadas and shouldn't be penalized for your sub-par shell handling capabilities! but i digress... i was saying that perhaps that i'm making too big a deal of this and i'm willing to accept that but i think this kind of behaviour says something definitive about a person.

i believe strongly that everyone KNOWS what a dragon looks like and this is a particularly ugly species...

sunday morning playlist

it's 3 am and i can't sleep due to an ill-timed accidental nap. so here is a playlist: (just click that great little play button and listen to what i'm listening to right now)

and here is what i have to say:

it snowed and snowed today... left about 8 inches on the ground... which is too much snow to really enjoy all at once considering that there wasn't a speck of snow on the ground this morning. when there is a big winter storm and the snow is built up in banks outside the house i get that nesty settled insulated feeling that comes with winter. some people call it lazy... i call it insulated.

so many things have changed this week... i'm tired from thinking through all of the options and the possibilities. i suppose that really i just have to make my decisions and live with them. i find it's the living with them that is difficult. i'll be honest in saying that i really really don't want to live in arizona despite all the good things that are there. i am thankful and grateful for my friends and family there and happy to get to have a different kind of life but my heart is elsewhere. so i have to choose between my heart and what i think is right fundamentally... and we all know i'll choose what i think is right.

following our heart is dangerous. let this just be my next excuse for why i don't do certain things. why i don't make that big gesture. it would end badly anyway i'm sure... so i suppose we can just call it quits from the start. i would love to discuss it further here. i would love to say so many things and explain all the minute details of what makes me smile and hopeful but it's not fit for public discussion yet. they are a collection of intentions, unspoken questions, glimpses, deep breaths and quiet contentment swelling between my ribs. it's still a secret. my secret. and apparently a secret i plan on keeping so mum is the word 'round here.

i will say that sometimes i think that the future is closer than you or i realize... that perhaps the future is currently here. that if i really wanted i could just reach out and touch it. sometimes i just want to stand and let snowflakes fall in my hair and on my tongue without moving forward even an inch. i want to let everything be still and quiet and sparkly white around me without having to do or change anything. those moments make me think the world is slowing down just long enough for me to savour those details that i keep to myself.

mmmmm.... snowflakes and savoury details.... it's enough to keep a girl warm despite the temperature.