and here is to 2010

i love my life. i have a great life. i have a wonderful daughter who is funny and smart and loving. i have a family who is good to each other and loves each other. i am proud of my siblings, their choices and of the people they have chosen to be in their lives. school is exciting and a challenge and i have really enjoyed every minute of it! i have amazing friends... amazing friends... that support and love me through thick and thin. lastly, but not least, i have a boyfriend who is a pillar of strength in my life. he is my best friend, my lover and everything i could have ever hoped for in a man.

2010 will hold big changes for us.... some of them are bigger than i can imagine. some have already happened and i'm so grateful. there might be less blogs in 2010. i seem to have less angst and that was what i blogged about. please don't take it personally. i hope to find something else to put here - daily photographs maybe? to fill the daily spots.

happy new year!

then there is love...

there is a part of every person... i think... that wants to fall in love. i think the idea is that it's just not possible, or probable, or maintainable, or worth it.

i want to say for the record that's it's improbable but it's possible and it can be maintained and it's so so worth it.

i'm in love with a man. he's my best friend and the person that i dream about at night. he makes me laugh. he likes the bad things and the good things about me... on most days. he is everything i've ever wanted in a partner. i believe with every ounce of my being that he is meant to be my love for life.

and it's strange. it's sometimes unbelievable because if you look at where we've been it seems as if no two people survive what we've been through. i want to survive with him. i want to spend everyday with him. i want to let go of what has happened and come back to the happy ending i never even knew i wanted.

i hope you'll understand when i say... i love him unconditionally and completely and i hope one day he'll feel the same about me.

pictures are up!!

we had an amazing time having our pictures taken by aubrey - you can find her website here at photobyaubrey.com  she was fun and funny and took it in stride that we were a little late and a LOT hung over. it was important to us as a family to be able to have these photos taken and i am so happy about the way that these turned out - we can't WAIT to see the rest!

 

 

 

 

do you realize?

thanksgiving was wonderful. it was a wonderful experience... full of good laughs and a new found gratitude and love for my family. we are normal - despite the things that make us abnormal. my siblings, my daughter and my parents are people i respect and love.

something happened though over the few days that has given me an idea to think about. oh, how i love a new idea to take apart and think about over and over and over again. it's something that happened in our house and it has to do with forgiveness and letting go of the past.

it seems that there are things that happen in life. there are good things and bad things and in between things. the in between things seem to get swept away with the sands of time - mediocre dinners, movies, experiences, conversations. those are neutral and ultimately they neither reinforce or destroy ties. there are the good things. the good things are memories and they bring a feeling of warmth and love. these are the things that are what make life pleasant, loving and fun. but it's the bad things and how you deal with them in the grand scale of time that create an attitude of either love or frustration and resentment which lead to anger.

here is my opinion - about those bad things. it's just my opinion and perhaps i don't know shit about shit... i'm open to being wrong (and if i am please speak UP so i can look at this new idea in a different light).

bad shit happens. people do bad shit, act like shits, say shitty things and sometimes even shit on you. in time usually those people apologize, grow, change and behave in new ways. (if they don't do any of those things or they are oblivious to the changes that need to be made that's a different rant) when you recieve time, growth and an apology you have two choices: forgive or hold on. holding on leads to death of relationships, forgiving offers a chance for your heart to hold new ideas and new good things. in my opinion, there is only so much room in your heart - like your closet - you can either store good things or negative things. dredging up the past and choosing to be resentful over it only limits YOU. it only serves to prevent YOU from being the person you want to be.

there is no time machine. there is no way to go back and change the past. there is only this moment and the future. why choose to let the past dictate your present or your future? why choose to let negative resentments and anger rule the potential happiness? why not allow people to apologize, accept their part, you accept your part and try to build a bridge to the present? it seems silly to me to hold on to the angry feelings that are chained in the past... ultimately you're the only one still standing there and you're missing out on the gift of the present.

here is to forgiving and moving forward...

if you choose to set those bags down i think you'll find your journey is easier. but you can have whatever journey you want. i'm definitely not the boss of you.

may your journey bring you to peace. it's a big world out there but i hope you'll find your way to your own brand of happiness.

thanksgiving pictures...

today we went and had family pictures taken and i can't wait to see them. i can't wait until i see how beautiful and strong our family is on paper. i know that we are each unique and perfect human beings but there is something about that confirmation in pictures that seems validating.


this week has been such an eye opening and positive experience and i am definitely grateful.

almost thankful

there is tons of excitement going on around here. my brother and his girlfriend arrive this afternoon and i just cannot wait. it's strange to get older and not have both my siblings in the same house at the same time.

and my brother is amazing. he's grown into a man. some people might say that the marines are what gave him his character and integrity but i've known him since he was born and i think he was born that way.

the other day i talked to him and he told me two important things: 1.) character can't be instilled in the unwilling 2.) when struggling at something you should remember that failure is not an option.

i can't wait to sit and talk to him and marvel at how wonderful a man he's become.

just can't wait...

today is the day that my sister - the lovely lala - arrives from the land of art school. i just can't wait to see her. in case i haven't ranted lately about how amazing she is... she is AMAZING. she's smart and funny and cool.... and beautiful. and i miss her. i miss her daily and it's been too long!

she is totally going to get a tattoo of a pink do-do with me (maybe not at thanksgiving)... but we're definitely going to sonic!... and to get frozen custard... and to the bar!!!! (maybe)

will post pictures of shenanigans... and you should listen to this song because we totally will...

you'll know when you get there

two things happened tonight....

1.) miss lowercasesandcapitals changed my life by pointing out that this - Daytrotter Session Archives - available and free to download. it's music by everyone who is anyone in the daytrotter world and it's revamped my music collection. 5 hours of amazing music so far and i'm nowhere near done. i was in serious need of new music. everything i had was either old or reminded me of someone i don't want to be haunted by.

here are some tidbits i think are worth listening to: (you'll have to right click and find what i'm referring to... but it's a great investment of your time)

anya marina - move you

bon iver - flume

these united states - so high so low so wide so long

2.) the same lovely lady changed my life by having the time to just talk it out with me. i feel like i'm the most selfish person on earth needing to talk it out. needing to ask for help is difficult for me. i hate that he was the one i talked to and now i feel like i have all this talking to do and can't reach out to the person who has been there for the past two years. i know we're all sick of listening about it. shit, i'm sick of hearing about it. i'm sick of talking about it. i'm sick to death of it. i'm ready to just be OVER it. but it doesn't work like that. you don't fall in love with someone slowly and give your heart, trust and secrets to someone piece by piece and then switch it off in one day. maybe "you" do. but i don't. i'm just not like that.

tonight as we talked about my "it" and we talked about her "it" i realized that this too is the thing that is going to be painful and uncomfortable up until the point that i can look myself in the mirror and say "that was the most painful thing that's happened to me and i'm grateful for every single second. i wouldn't change it for the world. it's made me who i am. it's mine. i lived it." when you can say it and mean it... that's when it's over. and not a second before that.

until then i'm going to keep being grateful. i'm going to keep doing all the things that make me happy. i'm going to keep all the great things about myself and let this one part help me to move into the person i know i'm growing into.

in the meantime... please excuse my construction.

thank you for knowing i'm grateful

i love my life. i don't think i say that enough. i truly do love. my. life.

i have so many great things - my family (who will all be under ONE roof for thanksgiving), great friends - the kind that don't even care that this break up has completely thrown me for a loop and understand that i have to keep up at school and with emma as if the boy didn't pull out my heart and stomp on it so they are kind enough to listen in the evenings, my daughter emma who continually is a joy to be around - she's the kind of kid that just says hilarious stuff and is silly at all the right times but so amazingly intelligent and beautiful.

i'm fortunate. i know i'm fortunate. and sometimes i don't express that enough here. i say the things i don't say elsewhere... it's my outlet. it's my time to vent or to talk about how i'm feeling about the things that you don't say at the dinner table or to the cashier at the grocery store that asks "how are you today?" and so i appreciate that you read and understand the perspective and love me even though lately all i want to do is talk about how breaking up sucks.

i promise that if you can hold on this will get better. i'm stronger everyday. i understand more everyday that this relationship ending is actually a really really good thing. and along the way i'm trying to learn about myself and about the world... thanks for being along for the ride.

it's a music sunday

i'm in love with www.coverlaydown.com

i can't say enough about how well it's put together or how it makes me happy every single time he posts. it's well written and deep and it involves music. i recommend you have a little rss feed that links to him and that you give donations to his blog in all your friends and family's names for christmas.... i think it would be selfish not to really.

here are some gems i found tonight:

lucas mire - part missing - (orig. lori carson)

david potts - dupre - i am trying to break your heart - (orig. wilco)

and you know who you are... don't you?

sometimes in life it seems, from my perspective, that people just don't know "who" they are. they have ideas and thoughts and experiences but they leap from situation to situation without any real growth or responsibility. they are always looking for the next thing that will make them feel good without any thought about the long run. when you look at the track record of those people it's clear to see that destruction is left in the wake of their selfish manipulations.

sometimes finding out "who" someone is can change the way everything looks. the change feels almost immediate and the relief in the core is palpable. that's how i feel today. i realize, now, that i have been waiting for the return of a person that never existed. i have been waiting, bloody heart in hand, day after day after day for the return of a fictional character.

it's sad and it's shocking... at first... and then after an hour or so it's just a huge relief. like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

my brain literally said: "you mean i don't have to wait around for mr. hyde instead of dr. jekyll? you mean i don't have to sit through blaming and accusations? you mean i don't have to compromise absolutely everything and then apologize for that not being enough? you mean i don't have to pretend that love means you sleep with another person? you mean i don't have to trust a liar? you mean it's no longer a hostage negotiation? i don't have to do business with an emotional terrorist?"

and once i realized that it's over... it's really over it suddenly felt as if i could breathe again. as if i've been holding my breath all these months. and i don't know if you know what that feels like. what it's really like to finally exhale and then inhale again. but i can tell you, from my perspective, it feels good. really really good.

tgifriday?

i've had the longest night in the history of long nights. well, at least the longest night i've had in a few years. sometimes people still surprise me. just when you think that know someone... you think you really really know them... they come up with something that complete surprises you. strangely, that's never that they make a perfect chocolate cake from scratch or that they help the homeless... it's always something that is a kick in the teeth.

but because it's friday and i'm tired. i'm letting it go. all of it. i'm forgiving and forgetting. as long as this ghost of my past life promises never to haunt me again. and if you'll be so kind as to indulge me...

it's nice...

break up lesson #63: when your ex-boyfriend calls your parents house in the middle of the night it makes him a jerk. it's still undecided what it says about you.

better tomorrow... it's wednesday. who doesn't like wednesday?

tuesdays are good...

it's tuesday... and you should have a soundtrack... and it should be this song that i love.... because i love it, you love me and in turn i give you things that will make you love tuesday. see? now we're all happy.

dawn landes - i won't back down (tom petty cover)

oh, and you should read www.coverlaydown.com regularly... because he is a genius and it's an amazing music blog.

just sayin'.

a walk down memory lane... brings me to the future

heard this song on the radio tonight and had a fun time singing with emma... funny how she knows the words... i don't really know how that happened.



and the important thing to remember is...
"It just takes some time
Little girl you're in the middle of the ride
Everything will be just fine
Everything will be alright"

... sigh... remember the 90s and when this song came out? man, i thought i had problems then... if i had only known. luckily... the truth is that everything really did work out fine, everything is alright.

that's perspective for you. it should help tomorrow. tuesdays are made for perspective and positive outlooks.

just a monday thought

my alarm clock sings a song... it tells me it's going to be a beautiful day... and i always feel like i'm on a bad episode of Will and Grace with Jack singing me awake. but somehow it's nice to have someone, or something tell you as you are coming to consciousness what the day will be. today is going to be beautiful.

here is another thing that i thought of as i was waking up - Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says, “I'll try again tomorrow." Mary Anne Radmacher-Hershey

so i suppose today is that tomorrow and i'm ready to try again.

then good ol' 43 hits...

relationships ending is weird. it's uncomfortable and it's strange... or maybe i'm just uncomfortable and strange inside of the experience.

today i remembered the break experience #43 - when you concretely realize that when "i'll always love you" was said it really meant "i'll love you until it's not really all that convenient and then i find another girl (who doesn't think i'm an asshole) to sleep with me, which will be pretty quick after we break up because in all actuality i really don't love you all that much"

it's harder than #7 - telling a friend you haven't talked to in awhile that the relationship is over but you don't really want to talk about it

and definitely harder than #22 - realizing that things that were your "couple" favorite - movies, songs, jokes and little intimate things - are now off limits

but it's not the most difficult thing in the world.... hopefully.... because i have other stuff to do this week and i'm tired of thinking about it.

this is going to last more than the weekend...

things are great this week... but as usual busy. more to come on the blog front... in the meantime, listen and love...

a sunday adventure!

we.... both of us... needed to get out of the house and the weather here has been absolutely beautiful! so we headed out to wander and along the way we took a few pictures. the first two are by emma - of her dog who she loves more than anything and the second is a self portrait that she took. the rest are of what was around on the first part of our journey. after lunch we're headed back out to this great park and then over to a friend's house for dinner. more pictures to follow!

just realized they didn't all come through here... you can go here to see them! http://picasaweb.google.com/alexisgillmore/November2009AWeekendAdventure#

 
 
 
 

the start of a new journey

it's been so long. so so so long. so long since i've sat down to write. to put my words out there. not for you. just for me. i've had so much to say and yet this just wasn't the forum. it wasn't the place that i could come back and spill what i felt needed to be said. and now... on the other side of this part of the journey i feel that i am more prepared to write. to be open to the positive things that come from being transparent.

my life is so good. it's just so good. i can't even describe how fortunate i've been these past few months. i am so grateful that we're in wisconsin and i'm finishing school. i just kept putting it off because it was easier to get distracted, it was easier to do other things. now i'm committed and working at finally getting finished and i can see the finish line. the metaphorical light at the end of the tunnel. and i've made it a long tunnel. 18 credit hours this semester and a research project. and it's worth every second. every hour spent studying and every moment of doubt that maybe another degree or another path would be easier. nothing in life that is worth having is easy. if it was easy everyone would have it.

and now to the other part of the blog... but first the soundtrack:


the part of my life that difficult right now is the heart part. i just want to say - without preaching - that everyone should know... they should fundamentally understand what cheating does to a relationship and to trust and respect and finally to love. it destroys it. there are people who overcome it - people who find that it was a wake up call in their relationship to make things better and i wish my experience was like that. but it wasn't. my experience was that he simply chose to sleep with another person... even though he said he still loved me. i don't think love is supposed to feel like this. i don't think love is supposed to shatter your heart.

i'm not going to go into the details because the person reads here. but knowing. and continuing on after finding out that he slept with someone else has been easier and harder than i could have ever imagined. the part that keeps my stomach in knots is knowing that the moment between them may have only been trivial to him but it was everything we had together. the two years that we built a frienship and a relationship. all the moments that were so dear to me. that were sacred. that's what he gave her. and i hope she's happy with it... i hope it fits her well.

we've tried for months. we've continued to try. in hope that i suppose we'd be able to revive what was lost. but after last night's conversation i have given up hope. i have to move on.

and so now... that's the direction i'm moving. towards the future. and what a beautiful future it's going to be.

you're back

wait.. i'm back.

i've been on hiatus. it's a long story. you should know that it's not you... i promise it wasn't about you. it was about not being able to post. really. it's a long boring story without a good ending.

but let's not talk about the past.

let's talk about what i'm currently in LOVE with....

drum roll please....

lowercases and capitals

it's pure awesomeness. if awesomeness was hot, had great music taste, drank jameson, a great sense of humor and could write amazing posts.

go there immediately and read everything. everything i tell you.

and then come back tomorrow and i'll have something for ya.

I have no excuse....

i have no excuse for not blogging this week except we've been really busy and the outdoors was just too appealing... check out emma and madison swimming today and having a blast!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

sometimes it's easy to forget...

sometimes it's easy to forget who is fighting the good fight and who (or whom?) is fighting simply for their own gain. things aren't so simple when you're a grown up. i don't know why not. why don't simple paradigms like cowboys and indians or robbers and cops just stay simple? before you know it you realize that the cowboys ruined a civilization and not all cops are better than the robbers that they fight. it's confusing and sometimes it leaves me feeling bewildered and wondering if there is indeed an instruction manual. if there is what would you call it? would you call it the Bible? the Koran? the teachings of Buddha? would you call it the forest and the simple pillars of nature? would you eschew all those teachings and say man makes his own instructions? somewhere inside all of it is a explanation. and sometimes that explanation glorifies your life - like the day i had yesterday. and sometimes that explanation brings the understanding of what is true on it's metaphorical ear - which is good because it turns out i have a fucking hard time hearing when i'm being stubborn.

perhaps it's possible that when a friend speaks truth to you and it hurts your heart it's a truth you need to hear. perhaps it's possible that in refusing to continue certain old patterns and interactions there are friends that are teaching the most valuable lesson of all. it's those truths i need to hear and i need to speak. i should be that brave. it's those things i need to reflect on - not the words or the emotion but the weight and the importance of the interaction. because when i don't hear properly... when i don't fucking get the message i get all soft and try to be forgiving which seems to mean forgetful about what we're doing here. and then i get phone calls like the one i did today - inviting me to key west. talking about how i'm weak or scared for not going... even though it's an idea that i wouldn't EVER entertain. a person on the other end of a phone that doesn't understand that all i can give at this point is a respectful distance and a resolute promise... to no longer "do my best" and stay within myself and remember where i've been.

it's been a year - and in that year i've learned everything about myself. i've learned about who and what i am. i've learned so many good things. the good days are really good. the bad days are few and far between and definitely managable. i've learned what i'm made of. i've learned who my friends are and i've learned how to remember every day what i'm capable of - for good and for bad. and most importantly i've learned that friends don't ask friends to go to key west, they don't ask them to descend into the canyon of crazy on a whim... and if they do... with friends like that who needs tequila?

my name is lex and i'm grateful

'if ever i should ever seem to take for granted, this lovely life that i have been handed, darlin' don't just stand there, come knock me around....' - jets to brazil - wish list

last night as shannon and i were driving home from the bbq with the girls in the car i realized that my life is pretty fucking awesome. my grades from last semester were great, i got a paid research internship this summer, i have wonderful friends and em is not only doing great in school... she's just an amazing kid. i don't think there is anything that could be better in my life right now... there are things i would definitely change or adjust but sometimes it's good to just sit back and really enjoy what you have.

on that note.. i'm going to be grateful and relax. and listen to the decemberists. and maybe make tea... and maybe dance around a little while packing.

your sense of entitlement

the last 48

it's odd to me to not be able to discuss my feelings openly in my blog... but for now there are things that don't belong in the public eye. and i'm okay with that. happy about it even.

this week has been a difficult week.

dawnielle's dad passed on tuesday night and i am sad for their family and of course for her hurting heart. nothing on earth can replace a parent and nothing can change the hurt that their family is going through. i can only hope that the small moments of happiness and gratitude are enough to get them through these times.

the semester is almost over and i am very excited! i had my last exam for regular classes today. just a few weeks ago i was inducted into the national honor society and i'm proud of my gpa. regardless of how wonderful it is to be successful, i'm relieved that the semester is over! two finals in about 10 days and then i'm a free woman.

things in my life, are pretty wonderful. i have a wonderful boyfriend, a daughter who is happy and healthy and a family who loves me and supports me. all the work that i have done in the past year to get "us" to this place has really begun to pay off.

in life there is always sour with the sweet and things that are sad. this week has provided all of them... and i am grateful for each moment.. even the difficult ones.

on that note. i say goodnight.

knowing what you can change and what you cannot

somedays you have to figure out the hard way what and who you cannot change. that's all you can do... realize what is within your control and what is not. then as my 7 year old said when she got off the phone with her dad yesterday "i have to move on with my life". here's to moving on and letting go.

ps - my heart is definitely in san diego along with my new tattoo..

okay... we need to talk

seriously? sometimes i wonder what kind of snuggy wearing people watch tv. i don't watch tv much... more than i used to... not as much as the average american... but when i do... i always see something that makes me doubt the sanity of consumers as a whole.

my rant today is about antioxidant body wash.

um... i'm not an astrophysicist... but i'm pretty sure it's hard to absorb anti-oxidants for your internal organs through your SKIN. even if anti-oxidants are known to fight free radicals... don't we have a huge thing that protects us from those pesky cancer causing radicals? (if by "that huge thing" i mean our EPIDERMIS!!) now thier claims that a soap can prevent the signs of aging is about as valuable and meaningful as saying that putting bifidus regularis on your arm will regulate your digestive system. if it was possible to fight cancer based on applying things to your skin then wouldn't it mean we could cure disease through body wash? wouldn't that mean that we could have anti-biotic soap and cure strep throat? or pnuemonia?

let me give you a little tip... if you are concerned about premature aging or the signs of aging please start drinking water, stop smoking and drinking and for the love of god stay out of the tanning beds. also, perhaps you should exercise, and stay away from pollution and only put healthy whole foods in your body. the showering issue is the least of your worries....

am i way off base here? does anyone else think about these things?

seriously? my head hurts just thinking about who falls for this....

here is the text from a website by a woman who thinks it's great and smells good too... maybe all those anti-oxidants have made her mentally deficient...

Cranberries, a Super-Fruit, are well-known and effective in the fight against cancer-causing free radicals. Infused with cranberry extract and the fresh scent of cranberries, Dial’s body wash helps to reduce the effects of aging on the skin with it’s little antioxidant beads. Regular use leads to younger-looking, healthier skin texture.

I’ve got a bottle of the Cranberry body wash in my shower right now. It smells great, works up a nice sudsy lather, and it’s only about $4.99 for an 18 ounce bottle.

Look for both Dial Antioxidant Body Wash and Glycerin Bar with Cranberry and Antioxidant Pearls in grocery or drug stores now.

For more information, visit Dial Soap.com.

a catholic girl that could work for allen marine...

from http://www.overheardeverywhere.com/

Is That What Jesus Would Do?

Catholic school girl #1: (sings "Total Eclipse of the Heart")
Catholic school girl #2: Stop it. I swear to god, I will shank you.

Baton Rouge, Louisiana

Overheard by: Adelaie

this one is for anyone who mighta said "ma'am, i will fucking cut you"... wait thats me. and in fairness, i didn't actually say that. but i totally wanted to. and i told many a story that ended and started with the phrase "i will fucking cut you".

sigh.

i want burger bitch and a drink at the arctic bar.

awesoments

guilty pleasures #3

so what... yeah... i'm still pathetic but here it is... the 3rd installment of guilty pleasures..

and let me tell you it's the new millennium version of 'i will survive'... which i totally don't need right now for romance reasons but if i did i so totally would send the "obscure boyfriend" the link to this video... except we would never really get in a fight.... but i would totally show off my rock moves if we did.

love and love alike... also... as well.. in addition to...

while i was tracking down the decemberists links i found these gems from a band that is effing fabulous and makes my heart swell with the hope that music will not always suck... i've been watching for their new album and apparently missed the march release. i was probably listening to something awful at the time. you owe it to yourself to give them a listen...

great lake swimmers - palmistry

great lake swimmers - various stages (my favorite... but you'll have to click and then scroll and click again... it's so totally worth it though... and if it's not it's 3 clicks!! you'll live!)

great lake swimmers - song for the angels


while you're out there looking at new music don't forget:
sam beam / iron & wine - always
these united states
dirty on purpose
the decemberists
death cab for cutie

and check out these songs / bands and help me decide whether i love them or not...
the acorn.... you can check them here: my old kentucky blog
sea wolf - the garden that you planted

love and love alike

my dear friend the incredibly helpful jay and i decided to both love this album together - the decemberists - the hazards of love. you should totally love it too. no really. do it. love it. it will make you happy in a calm relaxed way in which you realize the world is better for music having been made. everyone needs that in their lives.

just in case you are concerned about my music credentials after my last two guilty pleasure posts, i'm going to admit that you have every right to be concerned. but at least i'm admitting my little secret pleasures and opening myself up. by my logic that should make me more of an reliable source. jay on the other hand is just awesome and is my favorite boy to love things with. you can trust him. he's very tall (just to show off mostly) and we all know tall people hear things more clearly.... sigh. maybe that's why i like bad music. i'm practically a midget at 5'4" or 5'3.5" technically. i keep hoping i'll grow but 33 is right around the corner (or 28 for the 5th time) and i'm pretty sure there are no 33rd year growth spurts. although i would take one if i could get my hands on one.

anyway.... here is what you should love love love. besides yourself and of course jay and i.

the decemberists - annan water

the decemberists - the hazards of love 4

guilty pleasures #2

while we're here and i'm admitting scary things... i think it's only fair that i should admit to like these as well...

i'm so 3008, you're so 2000 and late...
the black eyed peas - boom boom pow


lady gaga - poker face


and this one... that i'm still sitting the fence about whether it's okay to like or not... it's so... so... oh it's so good. but it's so bad. it's the ringtone when my roommate calls me and i'm always 1/2 worried that someone will hear it but secretly want it to play longer. ugh. i'm such a mess.

zac brown band - chicken fried

lala's day

today is my sister's birthday. she is fabulous. i would say more but what more is there to say about the most perfect 20 year old that ever lived?? seriously... she's everything i hope to be or wish i was... and i think she is the best kind of friend a girl can have. she is funny, fun and helped me invent uppie doos and the word gggrrraaarrr. she doesn't take herself too seriously and i appreciate that. i need that in my life. more than anyone knows. and so to her... i say happy birthday and i bid you goodnight.

these united states - get yourself home

guilty pleasures

okay... so there are embarrassing things to admit and this is one of them. i'm a fairly well established music snob, i'm intelligent and well read. i'm a kick ass mom, a great friend and a pretty good daughter /sister. i worked in the music industry, volunteered two years for americorps. i like to think i'm well rounded and pretty damn cool.

however, i have a 7 year old who (despite my best efforts) likes hannah montana. every once in awhile in the car i'll indulge her little ears from obscure rock and roll or new bands to something she wants to listen to.

and i'm ashamed to admit... i'm always secretly happy when these two songs come on...





seriously... i don't know what's wrong with me. i even sing along and do a car dance... ugh. man. i need to get some sleep so i don't blog these things.

san diego's southern cross

'cause the truth you might be runnin' from is so small
but it's as big as the promise, the promise of a comin' day
so i'm sailin' for tomorrow, my dreams are a dyin'.....
think about how many times i have fallin'
spirits are using me, larger voices callin'...
....

crosby stills and nash - southern cross





i have learned many things from this past weekend in san diego. i have learned about myself and about what it means to be alive and in this life. i have learned more about family and friendship and about the bonds that hold us together and move us apart than i ever knew was possible. i learned what it means... to love someone so much that the love will endure beyond what we understand. i don't mean romantic love. i mean the love of a family and i mean what happens to the love and the bond when we cannot define it by life. and in some ways i think i mean a romantic love... a romance between a man who is the best father i know and the strongest woman i've ever met who chose to stand beside him. the woman who will continue in his place to be the solid rock and flexible ties that holds a family together in a house with a garden that feels so much like home that i feel lost now that i am not there.

i have not written about this, although it has been going on for quite awhile. i wanted to give privacy to those who needed it and not speak about a future that had not become definite. i still was hoping (and in my heart am still hoping and praying) that the one thing i was most afraid would not come to pass. i write about it now because this is the piece that i can give... my words and my perspective as a salve or an outlet for how much my heart hurts.... unfortunately i am probably the only one who can or will be helped by my words that seem to be unable to express fully what my heart feels like.

my best friend's dad is dying. i don't mean in the abstract way in which this life is not permanent and we are all slowly dying by a series of breaths. i mean in the concrete way in which he will not be living in a set amount of time. i mean that he, for all of his strength and his fight and his power has come up against cancer and it is killing him in small increments. in small enough increments that we still hope that somehow it will turn out differently but big enough increments to rip that hope and your silly human heart to shreds.

it seems that when i think about it logically that it cannot possibly make sense. you would have to know him... but it's not possible. and that cannot possibly be true. it's too awful and it's too big and it's too much and it's not fair.

and i love him. like a father, a mentor and a hero. i love him because of a thousand things but mostly because he is simply him. i love him even more because he gave me my best friend. she has been in my life for 29 years and she is the other half of me. some days it seems she is the better part and the better half.

and some days, like today, my grief seems so big that my heart seems to hurt from growing large enough to hold onto it. the grief is senseless and frightening and beyond what i can manage with human feelings and human words. the grief feels so big that it makes everything else seem pointless in it's wake... like school or grocery shopping or getting new shoes. those small things are all swallowed up into a undefined mess of daily tasks that must happen but seem to hold no joy or interest... but the hardest thing is getting past the feelings of powerlessness and anger at how this could have possibly happened. the even harder part is that she is my best friend and i know how she hurts and i know how i am impotent to help her. i don't know what to say or do... except to say that there is nothing i can do or say and there isn't a way this will be okay.

i will admit that i have been standoffish to my friends and to my boyfriend. i have had a hard time talking about it - my feelings, my fears and what it all means. i know that talking about these things supposedly makes it better but everytime i talk about it i feel like others are overwhelmed with the duty to say it will be okay and it won't. it can't ever be okay... maybe it won't be as bad but it's hard to believe that it will be okay.

and so it is with that knowledge... the knowledge of exactly where we are that i leave you. we are in unchartered territory - on a map of life. and it is just life. and it's terminal. and it works out okay in the end. and it's already tomorrow in australia. and i've been around the world looking for myself (the only woman-girl i know) and i've got to trust that above all things love endures.

and to dawnielle - even though you may start to like karaoke... "what heaven brought you and me cannot be forgotten" - we are family linked together through happiness and tragedy and "you understand why now (we) came this way" and i wouldn't have come any other way. i promise that if you need me i will always come. i'm sorry i cannot do more.

hell in a head gasket

my car is... well... being an issue. and looks like i need a head gasket. *sigh*

i didn't do well on my physics exam last week. *ugh*

i have a calculus exam tomorrow. *bluh*

i have a research paper to write about the effects of environmental racism. *yuck*

the dishes need doing. *......*

however, i got to talk to my favorite chester boy today for an hour and a half. *hooray*

i have a fun activity planned with emma this afternoon post school. and she got 100% on her spelling test last week!! *woohoo*

my coffee was exceptionally awesome this morning. *mmmmm*

i get to see dawnielle this weekend. *sigh, in a good way*


i've decided what happens in life is not personal. this is life. i make choices. some are good and some are flawed. i just take it one day at a time, do what i can do and patiently wait for things to work themselves out. when they work out i am grateful. when it's difficult going or it requires lots of doing i take it one step at a time and cross the bridges as they come. when they don't work out i sigh but am grateful for the lesson. it's all okay and it's just life. it's meant to be challenging and exciting and a learning curve.

i'd still like an instruction booklet though....

found iP0d #3

you understand now why you came this way...


crosby, stills and nash - southern cross

shoulda coulda woulda

should be studying for physics... energy and force and acceleration and whatnot but i just can't seem to muster up the energy to accelerate my ass in that direction... it feels.. well like i'm being forced. come'on you know i'm clever... that's funny right?... i totally know. i'm funny.

and apparently give good sound bites. that's at least what an ignorant asshole wrote me the other day when i told him to go peddle crazy somewhere else.... then he rambled on with incoherent shit for another two paragraphs or so. i'd probably remember it but it was ridiculous and chock full of crazy. now, i know i'm supposed to be able to be above that sort of negativity. trust me. that was the positive version of what i wanted to say... i guess sometimes you just have to call a duck a duck.

luckily i am able to focus on physics, my friends and the good things in my life. it makes me thankful that i have time and space between myself and self deluded lying drug addicts who manipulate every situation to be about themselves.

iP0d found songs #2

john mayer - victoria

everyone needs a little "message"

http://foundmagazine.com

found... 1 iP0d

two days ago i found an iP0d that i lost while i lived in alaska at the bottom of a backpack and although it has hundreds of songs on it i found about 50 songs i had forgotten that i absolutely loved. i recommend losing an iP0d that you know you'll get back just to enjoy the sound of music almost two years later...

for your listening pleasure here are two of my favorites...

the australia version of churchill

my standard quote used to be... 'everything is okay in the end. if it's not okay then it's not the end.'

which was updated to 'don't be sad about the end, it's already tomorrow in australia.'

and now i'd like to amend that further...
Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning.
Sir Winston Churchill

and add to that... it's already tomorrow in australia.

comin' home from cali and this life's so thick that you can hardly swim on through it

it was a long weekend in cali... i'm not ready to talk about it.

i haven't dropped off the face of the earth... i'm just processing the circle of life and what it means to really live. i'm facing what it means to be in my thirties and no longer be a child protected from black news and black days... to have to face what is inevitable about living and about breathing and that is that one day you will cease to do both.

i'm learning, processing, breathing and being grateful for absolutely everything in my life. sometimes when you can do nothing else you can recognize that you get today. there are no other promises and when it has to come down to it... today is enough.

i have pictures to post of trees. i have heartache to blog about. i have things to think about. tonight though, i have to sleep.

and this song is the new cali song... because as dawnielle said today it just makes her happy in her heart. and some days... because she is the one i've known my whole life and more days than not she is the best parts of me... making her happy makes me happy. and i'm grateful for that.

nick rallis and these united states save the day

my ip0d is sorely not me anymore. i hate it when that happens... when suddenly everything you listen to seems to just fit another person or another life. when all the songs remind you of how things used to be like something else or of someone else. suddenly it seems that you have outgrown yourself and you spend a few days wondering what you're going to listen to instead. in truth there is a whole lot of soul searching right before that point but the ip0d is where it's noticed... as if everything was fine until you just can't stand the music you used to love.

i have been on a quest for new things and new ideas... i've been combing hypem.com and every music blog i can find... it's tough going though... not everything is made for loving.

here are some things i have found...
Drag the River - Jeff Black Song

i fell in love with these united states again... specifically the song so high so low so wide so long...
i mean for real... i have a heart pounding sugar coated love thing for them.. like how i feel about mango ice cream. i don't even like ice cream... and yet i love it. i digress...



and if that's not enough to make your heart pitter patter and your face light up at the sheer genius then go here and watch them in the secret garden video:
Hoovesontheturf.com

the music search is probably temporary but while i'm in the throes of missing good tunes feel free to make your suggestions... i'm gettin' desperate here. which i suppose is indicative of more crucial things...

i guess it's something about getting your heart broken... i mean really broken. the kind of heart break that leaves you feeling sort of empty and wondering when it's not going to seem dark. the kind of heart break that only comes from realizing a friend that has been in your life for years has become the worst version of themselves. sometimes addiction and heartache break people and those people just can't honor the good things in their lives. they become thieves and liars. and initially i thought i could forgive it. forgive the theft and the lies. but i cannot. and i don't know what has me so in a funk... i guess simply the loss of the friendship. just in case you've been reading along these past few weeks and wonder what i'm on about lately... i've had to face that a friend is so addicted to their negative vices that he is not able to be anything but a liar. and it has broken my heart.

not like "that"... i have a boyfriend. i always have. we have been on again and off again for years. he's a really good boy. the best kind. he allows me to fall in love with bands and to have my own life - blogging and talking about all these obscure things, to raise my child, to be the person i want to be, to make mistakes, to succeed, to have male friends that break my heart. he supports me and sends me sweet text messages first thing in the morning. he writes me poetry, sings to me (well, he would if i asked him to and does spontaneously sometimes) and if i let him he would even make me banana pancakes. it's so strange that being loved by my best friends, my lover and my family doesn't change how crappy i feel about being betrayed. i suppose all i can continue to do is study for my calculus exam and then wrap myself up in my covers and listen to nick rallis. up loud.

loud enough that it doesn't matter that i found out last what everyone else seemed to know... drug addicts and alcoholics that don't want recovery cannot be saved no matter how much you love them. and while they are stubbornly un-recovered they are ticking time bombs waiting to go off and then lie to everyone to avoid taking responsibility. jameson anyone?

my life just changed

if we were looking at each other i would just gasp, shake my head and click on this link without talking but still looking at you will raised eyebrows while indicating with my body language that somehow you are an idiot for not knowing about this song and for listening to it repeatedly on your ip-Od and on your computer.

go change your own life... and then listen to all the other things i love to....

Cory Adams - Sloop John B

from the site: How Marvellous

two-fer

if you love yourself at all... go here and listen to this right now... it's so musically interesting and strangely haunting... and it makes my heart happy also.

Laura Tsaggaris - Oops! I did it again...

btw - i have a directly proportional relationship to cover lay down

it's very simple really

you don't know what you need...



face to face - disconnected

it's still such a fucking good song. and it makes me happy. happier than a lot of other things. infact i have found today that there are many things that have an inverse proportional relationship to my happiness.

in fairness.... inverse proportional relationships are my new favorite thing.

yesterday, today, tomorrow

strange things have been in the works... it feels like change and for once i think change is good. it just seems like although i am in the same place and doing the same things and not planning on changing anything that there are things in my life changing despite myself. things dying and things renewed and gain and loss and things without tally or without definition.

one of the things changing is love. learning and relearning what it means to love, be loved and to lose love. the other changing is letting go. learning and relearning what it means to let go, to be released and not be lost in the midst of it.

i woke up this morning and thought that i would like to be shown about love and about letting go and then... without warning jay sent the following websites to me:

love letters

and

so there

you should go to them both and then love jay. i went, i read, i will keep going back, and i love him more than unicorns. (specifically more than i love unicorns but also possibly more than unicorns love him... either way you want to read that... they're both true)

here is an excerpt from so there:

I want you to know that I've always loved you. I've cherished your name, relished in your presence, sighed with poignant love at your voice. Such elegance in your awkward body; I know love's hymn lies somewhere in your soul, if you would only sing it.

Though I believe we will never be more than strong, loving friends, I want you to know I will always look to you differently. It doesn't seem right to leave you in the dark, not knowing someone has such strong feelings for you.

I'm scared. I don't think I have the strength if you reject me. I don't think I have the courage to send this letter.

limitless possibilities

i appreciate... the opportunity of the possibility. i appreciate the definition of myself that i see reflected in the most true and honest body of water around. i appreciate what i learn about myself when i am challenged. these things give me limitless possibilities. and therefore limitless opportunity.

i think that is a good thing.

a saturday affair

yesterday we were out and about... and enjoying the day. i got a little burnt and ate too much frozen lemonade but we had a great time. ahh... the end of spring break.

back to work for me.

is it just me?

is it just me or is there a serious suckage going on right now in music?

you know i love the bands i love - iron & wine, these united states, grace potter and the nocturnals, dustin ohalloran, dirty on purpose... coldplay, damien rice, tori amos, oar, david gray, great lake swimmers, jason mraz, death cab for cutie, modest mouse, the arcade fire... these are the artists that are most frequently listened to on my ip0d... i love others... but they are on my top playlist.

i'm always searching for new things... hypem.com changed my life... but recently i haven't found anything...

it's like everyone is all about some weird rock that doesn't even make sense, 70s remakes with belle and sebastian whispering over weird shit or very hyped over produced crap. ugh.

today on page 12 of what music bloggers are raving about i found this:

clatter clatter - downpour.... yep just click right there...

then page 14 brought this effing gem... i might love this band... if by might i mean i'm pretty sure i really really do..

pree - heaven is a drag.... yep just click again...

wanted...

wanted...
1. one afternoon by a river in connecticut. i've got the place if you've got the time.
2. one day with cody, to read, talk, sing, laugh and just be together.
3. a first edition of atlas shrugged.
4. a time machine
5. an internship for the summer
6. tickets to see sam beam live
7. a week of porch time in the valley to get my head and my heart right
8. another perspective
9. a friend to hold my secrets
10. everything ever written by chuck plahniuk
11. an evening in new york to see the dalai lama speak
12. a bike to ride in missoula montana
13. stationary to write some apologies
14. more energy
15. a new pair of sunglasses
16. to not have found my 3rd grey hair
17. a cabin in the woods
18. a plane ticket
19. earl grey ice cream

paul simon could write a book...

or maybe he should just keep making albums

deer tick - still crazy after all these years

i've had this moment... and sometimes i feel like this song is my life... about how things don't change, about how we are destined to repeat our old patterns and when you see that old friend, old love, old life you realize how much you've outgrown it and how nothing seems to have changed at all. it's so hard to know... so hard to ascertain what is growing and how to measure it.

once upon a time

once upon a time i came across a poetry book that was a compilation of authors, styles etc... and it had the most exquisite poem in it. i wrote in my journal the following in reference to it.

"a red sun stains the lake like colored glass. Day is stopping." - Kayaks, pg. 425

i wrote it to myself as a reminder to return when i could.

i have often thought of that poem like an old lover, a set of sheets that i loved, the phone number of my friend in 6th grade named ian, my lost teddy bear from when i was 9 ... named bearspot...

there are things in the world we lose and we know where they go... our innocence, virginity, money, common sense... and there are things that we lament... relationships, the perfect mixed cd, opportunities.

then there are things that we long for. this poem, in it's entirety is one of those things for me.

angus and julia stone

if you do one thing you should go to this music blog and listen to these two songs... i don't know a lot but i know that the voices and something about how the words fall make this a must love...

!Tashed - Blog - Angus and Julia Stone

just to be clear

disambiguate

verb (used with object), -at⋅ed, -at⋅ing. to remove the ambiguity from; make unambiguous

disambiguation

noun

clarification that follows from the removal of ambiguity

unicorns are my favorite

am⋅big⋅u⋅ous

1.	open to or having several possible meanings or interpretations; equivocal: an ambiguous answer.

2.	Linguistics. (of an expression) exhibiting constructional homonymity; having two or more structural descriptions, as the sequence Flying planes can be dangerous.

3.	of doubtful or uncertain nature; difficult to comprehend, distinguish, or classify: a rock of ambiguous character.

4.

lacking clearness or definiteness; obscure; indistinct: an ambiguous shape; an ambiguous future. sometimes it seems in life that things don't get more clear... they get more blurred and more confused. i wish that there was a way to just understand... to make things in nice neat compartments with sealed lids and explanations. ambiguity isn't my favorite thing. unicorns however kind of are.

i don't know what this is... but i love it

seriously... this is mesmerizing and it makes me sad and happy at the same time:

http://lonely.prevvy.com/

yesterday

my friend ryan were walking from one place to another on campus. we pass the "commons" and there are like 6 girls / women up on stage with microphones and loud speakers. i hear one girl say "thongs are the worst" over her microphone and i look at ryan.
me: what the hell is that?
ryan: you didn't hear they're doing the vagina monologues on campus today?
me: jesus.
chick over loudspeaker: if my vagina could talk it would say...

then the doors to the library close behind us
me: if that chick's vagina could talk it would say "shut up! you're embarrassing me."

for the incredibly helpful jay

the band we fell in love to... azure ray..

i appreciate you. i'm so glad we're "it's complicated" and that we were once married on myspace. you make my computer happy... although it is is somewhat disorganized still....

let's see each other soon and have a snowball fight and make s'mores and have a pillow fight and do each other's hair...

i'm not ready to make nice....

dixie chicks... not ready to make nice


i realize that i have asked for forgiveness from people and i have been fortunate enough that i have always received it... for the most part and usually in a way that is constructive and helpful for continuing my life.

i've thought a lot over the past few days about what forgiveness means and what it should be about...

–verb (used with object)

1.	to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.

2.	to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.).

3.	to grant pardon to (a person).

4.	to cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one's enemies.

5.	to cancel an indebtedness or liability of: to forgive the interest owed on a loan.

–verb (used without object)

6.	to pardon an offense or an offender.

"in general, forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentments and thoughts of revenge. Forgiveness is the act of untying yourself from thoughts and feelings that bind you to the offense committed against you. This can reduce the power these feelings otherwise have over you, so that you can a live freer and happier life in the present. Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you. Forgiving isn't the same as forgetting what happened to you. The act that hurt or offended you may always remain a part of your life. But forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help you focus on other, positive parts of your life. Forgiveness also doesn't mean that you deny the other person's responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn't minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act."

and i believe that forgiveness itself is important and should be offered to anyone who is willing to say they are sorry and earnestly request it. i really believe that. no matter what the offense is or how it seems to be difficult. forgiving is part of being the person i want to be.

and so i offer you this... the specific you, not the royal you, who is asking for forgiveness and called me tonight to tell me about how you think about me and how you feel... i forgive you. not for you but for me. there is no ill-will from my side of the continental united states.

however i'm not ready to make nice. i'm not ready to talk about it or hear about how you are doing or what is going on with you. i'm just not. i wish i was and that i could just wave a magic wand and make this divide between us disappear.... but i can't. there isn't that kind of magic in the world and to be honest i'm not sure that is the best thing for me. i'm still trying to process and understand what has happened and why.

i'm still trying to get my head around how you thought this was my fault. i'm still trying to put it in perspective and be able to understand what all this means in the scope of the here and now. i haven't even begun to look at what it means in the future.

and god does it sting. it all sucks. i'm not happy about our current state either. this is the last thing i wanted but avoiding is only going to cause that false premise in the future and more issues for us to dissect and worry about in years to come. additionally i'm hoping that you might take this time to understand your part in all of this.

so i can say that for now radio silence is in effect... until further notice. i don't know when that notice will be or what needs to happen before then. you'll be the second person to know when i'm ready to talk to you... i'll of course be the first. in the meantime let's not do the thing where you call me to talk about it. i know for sure or fo' sho' as the kids say that it doesn't feel good.

i wish you well on your journey. take care of yourself. take care of what you need to take care of. i'll be doing the same here.... and working in earnest to be at peace with all that our story has become.

physics is reality

or perhaps it isn't but i realized today that fixing your life... like really fixing it and making it the life you want to live can be solved like a physics problem. it's all about force, motion, gravity, velocity, acceleration, position and the ever important delta.

oh delta. the change in something. your final position minus your initial position is your delta... the actual amount that you have grown, moved, lived, thought or realized. we all need a little delta in our lives.

you can always figure out your relative ratio to the past by using the law of sines or cosines. you can always know what you velocity is, what direction you are headed and you know the force of gravity in your life.

i have to remind myself that things don't always work out in physics problems and in real life. more importantly sometimes it's not even about getting the right answer... it's about what you learn while you're busy getting shit all wrong. sometimes we get answers that surprise us, sometimes there is more than one answer, and most of all it's important to remember that it's okay to define the positive direction of your own personal coordinate system.

most importantly it's okay to look at a problem and know when you're done with the "physics" part and the rest of the answer is just the math that goes along with it... i should apply that more frequently in my own life... why am i continuing to pursue the solution to a finite end when at some point i can step back and know that i've achieved the growth and understanding that the problem was meant to teach me.

what am i here for anyway? to be right or to understand myself, grow in every way and to be the best version of myself that i can be? most days the answer is the latter.... some days i still fail and go for being right... luckily i know how to learn from those days.

luckily i know how big my personal delta is these days, i know what is the positive direction for myself, i know how to define the magnitude of vectors and i am ever respectful of gravity and i'm increasingly wary of trying to just "get to the right answer".... even i'm a little proud.

isn't it just simply...

isn't it just simply amazing that we can bend and move and change and withstand many things and then the simplest things... the small breeches in the barrier of trust seem as if they are going to be the things that break our hearts completely?

go here to hear what i'm listening to:

only love can break your heart
go your own way

(thanks to cover lay down for the soundtrack)

i realized today that two things are true:
1. getting your feelings hurt, trust broken, losing friendship... all those things hurt and initially it stings so much that it feels like there is no bridging the gap in what is "past" or before and what is "future" or after.
2. those things are actually good. once you pick yourself up from what gravity has done and started to assess the damages to your system... you realize that the hurt means you are breathing, interacting, and being vulnerable.

vulnerable is good. growing is good. sometimes even pain is good.

the perspective that comes from vulnerability, growth and pain is even better. not just as good as... it's better. teaching ourselves about life and the life we want by being open to life is difficult but it's what gets us to where we want to go.

thanks for taking this part of the journey with me... for teaching me perspective through pain. i'm still angry and still don't want to be open to learning this lesson again... but at least i can be grateful and happy that i've learned it. good things came of it... i learned to say no and i learned to have a conflict in which i stood up for myself. funny how the worst can bring out the best in people.

my postcard from today...

The best way is not to fight it, just go. Don't be trying all the time to fix things. What you run from only stays with you longer. When you fight something, you only make it stronger.

Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters, 1999

here is my postcard for today from the edge of where i am... into the night... which is black and empty.

we cannot always provide others with what they want us to give them. sometimes when someone says 'I'm sorry' to you it's okay to say 'I don't care' back... simply because it's not your problem. it's only your problem to figure out how you feel about it and to get on with your life. sometimes sorry isn't enough and never will be... those moments in which forgiveness need not apply are moments that define us and it makes us stronger.