sunday lessons

This morning we got a lesson in going with the flow... We got all ready for church and our food ready for the church picnic and when we went out to leave the car battery was dead! Guess *someone* left the key on last night... I'm blaming the squirrels! So, we had to wait while the battery was charged... It was nice to have an extra cup of coffee and just chat. We missed church but we got there in time to help set up and hang out! Also, we got pictures of the girls which is of course my main priority every day.
Sometimes its better when things don't go as planned because that time together is great.

it's the time...

The time has come for the blogging to start again. It's been so long that it feels like a foreign process; to write, to compose, to share and to be transparent all seem like such a reach after going into a mode of privacy for so long. There is so much to share. A move, a wedding, a pregnancy, a baby, a marriage and a life. I'll spend the next week or so catching up and sharing about each event and then we'll start with the current goings on... the daily dazzling beautiful organized chaos that is our life. I think I'm ready....

In the meantime you can enjoy baby pictures!

and here is to 2010

i love my life. i have a great life. i have a wonderful daughter who is funny and smart and loving. i have a family who is good to each other and loves each other. i am proud of my siblings, their choices and of the people they have chosen to be in their lives. school is exciting and a challenge and i have really enjoyed every minute of it! i have amazing friends... amazing friends... that support and love me through thick and thin. lastly, but not least, i have a boyfriend who is a pillar of strength in my life. he is my best friend, my lover and everything i could have ever hoped for in a man.

2010 will hold big changes for us.... some of them are bigger than i can imagine. some have already happened and i'm so grateful. there might be less blogs in 2010. i seem to have less angst and that was what i blogged about. please don't take it personally. i hope to find something else to put here - daily photographs maybe? to fill the daily spots.

happy new year!

then there is love...

there is a part of every person... i think... that wants to fall in love. i think the idea is that it's just not possible, or probable, or maintainable, or worth it.

i want to say for the record that's it's improbable but it's possible and it can be maintained and it's so so worth it.

i'm in love with a man. he's my best friend and the person that i dream about at night. he makes me laugh. he likes the bad things and the good things about me... on most days. he is everything i've ever wanted in a partner. i believe with every ounce of my being that he is meant to be my love for life.

and it's strange. it's sometimes unbelievable because if you look at where we've been it seems as if no two people survive what we've been through. i want to survive with him. i want to spend everyday with him. i want to let go of what has happened and come back to the happy ending i never even knew i wanted.

i hope you'll understand when i say... i love him unconditionally and completely and i hope one day he'll feel the same about me.

pictures are up!!

we had an amazing time having our pictures taken by aubrey - you can find her website here at photobyaubrey.com  she was fun and funny and took it in stride that we were a little late and a LOT hung over. it was important to us as a family to be able to have these photos taken and i am so happy about the way that these turned out - we can't WAIT to see the rest!

 

 

 

 

do you realize?

thanksgiving was wonderful. it was a wonderful experience... full of good laughs and a new found gratitude and love for my family. we are normal - despite the things that make us abnormal. my siblings, my daughter and my parents are people i respect and love.

something happened though over the few days that has given me an idea to think about. oh, how i love a new idea to take apart and think about over and over and over again. it's something that happened in our house and it has to do with forgiveness and letting go of the past.

it seems that there are things that happen in life. there are good things and bad things and in between things. the in between things seem to get swept away with the sands of time - mediocre dinners, movies, experiences, conversations. those are neutral and ultimately they neither reinforce or destroy ties. there are the good things. the good things are memories and they bring a feeling of warmth and love. these are the things that are what make life pleasant, loving and fun. but it's the bad things and how you deal with them in the grand scale of time that create an attitude of either love or frustration and resentment which lead to anger.

here is my opinion - about those bad things. it's just my opinion and perhaps i don't know shit about shit... i'm open to being wrong (and if i am please speak UP so i can look at this new idea in a different light).

bad shit happens. people do bad shit, act like shits, say shitty things and sometimes even shit on you. in time usually those people apologize, grow, change and behave in new ways. (if they don't do any of those things or they are oblivious to the changes that need to be made that's a different rant) when you recieve time, growth and an apology you have two choices: forgive or hold on. holding on leads to death of relationships, forgiving offers a chance for your heart to hold new ideas and new good things. in my opinion, there is only so much room in your heart - like your closet - you can either store good things or negative things. dredging up the past and choosing to be resentful over it only limits YOU. it only serves to prevent YOU from being the person you want to be.

there is no time machine. there is no way to go back and change the past. there is only this moment and the future. why choose to let the past dictate your present or your future? why choose to let negative resentments and anger rule the potential happiness? why not allow people to apologize, accept their part, you accept your part and try to build a bridge to the present? it seems silly to me to hold on to the angry feelings that are chained in the past... ultimately you're the only one still standing there and you're missing out on the gift of the present.

here is to forgiving and moving forward...

if you choose to set those bags down i think you'll find your journey is easier. but you can have whatever journey you want. i'm definitely not the boss of you.

may your journey bring you to peace. it's a big world out there but i hope you'll find your way to your own brand of happiness.

almost thankful

there is tons of excitement going on around here. my brother and his girlfriend arrive this afternoon and i just cannot wait. it's strange to get older and not have both my siblings in the same house at the same time.

and my brother is amazing. he's grown into a man. some people might say that the marines are what gave him his character and integrity but i've known him since he was born and i think he was born that way.

the other day i talked to him and he told me two important things: 1.) character can't be instilled in the unwilling 2.) when struggling at something you should remember that failure is not an option.

i can't wait to sit and talk to him and marvel at how wonderful a man he's become.

you'll know when you get there

two things happened tonight....

1.) miss lowercasesandcapitals changed my life by pointing out that this - Daytrotter Session Archives - available and free to download. it's music by everyone who is anyone in the daytrotter world and it's revamped my music collection. 5 hours of amazing music so far and i'm nowhere near done. i was in serious need of new music. everything i had was either old or reminded me of someone i don't want to be haunted by.

here are some tidbits i think are worth listening to: (you'll have to right click and find what i'm referring to... but it's a great investment of your time)

anya marina - move you

bon iver - flume

these united states - so high so low so wide so long

2.) the same lovely lady changed my life by having the time to just talk it out with me. i feel like i'm the most selfish person on earth needing to talk it out. needing to ask for help is difficult for me. i hate that he was the one i talked to and now i feel like i have all this talking to do and can't reach out to the person who has been there for the past two years. i know we're all sick of listening about it. shit, i'm sick of hearing about it. i'm sick of talking about it. i'm sick to death of it. i'm ready to just be OVER it. but it doesn't work like that. you don't fall in love with someone slowly and give your heart, trust and secrets to someone piece by piece and then switch it off in one day. maybe "you" do. but i don't. i'm just not like that.

tonight as we talked about my "it" and we talked about her "it" i realized that this too is the thing that is going to be painful and uncomfortable up until the point that i can look myself in the mirror and say "that was the most painful thing that's happened to me and i'm grateful for every single second. i wouldn't change it for the world. it's made me who i am. it's mine. i lived it." when you can say it and mean it... that's when it's over. and not a second before that.

until then i'm going to keep being grateful. i'm going to keep doing all the things that make me happy. i'm going to keep all the great things about myself and let this one part help me to move into the person i know i'm growing into.

in the meantime... please excuse my construction.

thank you for knowing i'm grateful

i love my life. i don't think i say that enough. i truly do love. my. life.

i have so many great things - my family (who will all be under ONE roof for thanksgiving), great friends - the kind that don't even care that this break up has completely thrown me for a loop and understand that i have to keep up at school and with emma as if the boy didn't pull out my heart and stomp on it so they are kind enough to listen in the evenings, my daughter emma who continually is a joy to be around - she's the kind of kid that just says hilarious stuff and is silly at all the right times but so amazingly intelligent and beautiful.

i'm fortunate. i know i'm fortunate. and sometimes i don't express that enough here. i say the things i don't say elsewhere... it's my outlet. it's my time to vent or to talk about how i'm feeling about the things that you don't say at the dinner table or to the cashier at the grocery store that asks "how are you today?" and so i appreciate that you read and understand the perspective and love me even though lately all i want to do is talk about how breaking up sucks.

i promise that if you can hold on this will get better. i'm stronger everyday. i understand more everyday that this relationship ending is actually a really really good thing. and along the way i'm trying to learn about myself and about the world... thanks for being along for the ride.

and you know who you are... don't you?

sometimes in life it seems, from my perspective, that people just don't know "who" they are. they have ideas and thoughts and experiences but they leap from situation to situation without any real growth or responsibility. they are always looking for the next thing that will make them feel good without any thought about the long run. when you look at the track record of those people it's clear to see that destruction is left in the wake of their selfish manipulations.

sometimes finding out "who" someone is can change the way everything looks. the change feels almost immediate and the relief in the core is palpable. that's how i feel today. i realize, now, that i have been waiting for the return of a person that never existed. i have been waiting, bloody heart in hand, day after day after day for the return of a fictional character.

it's sad and it's shocking... at first... and then after an hour or so it's just a huge relief. like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

my brain literally said: "you mean i don't have to wait around for mr. hyde instead of dr. jekyll? you mean i don't have to sit through blaming and accusations? you mean i don't have to compromise absolutely everything and then apologize for that not being enough? you mean i don't have to pretend that love means you sleep with another person? you mean i don't have to trust a liar? you mean it's no longer a hostage negotiation? i don't have to do business with an emotional terrorist?"

and once i realized that it's over... it's really over it suddenly felt as if i could breathe again. as if i've been holding my breath all these months. and i don't know if you know what that feels like. what it's really like to finally exhale and then inhale again. but i can tell you, from my perspective, it feels good. really really good.

the start of a new journey

it's been so long. so so so long. so long since i've sat down to write. to put my words out there. not for you. just for me. i've had so much to say and yet this just wasn't the forum. it wasn't the place that i could come back and spill what i felt needed to be said. and now... on the other side of this part of the journey i feel that i am more prepared to write. to be open to the positive things that come from being transparent.

my life is so good. it's just so good. i can't even describe how fortunate i've been these past few months. i am so grateful that we're in wisconsin and i'm finishing school. i just kept putting it off because it was easier to get distracted, it was easier to do other things. now i'm committed and working at finally getting finished and i can see the finish line. the metaphorical light at the end of the tunnel. and i've made it a long tunnel. 18 credit hours this semester and a research project. and it's worth every second. every hour spent studying and every moment of doubt that maybe another degree or another path would be easier. nothing in life that is worth having is easy. if it was easy everyone would have it.

and now to the other part of the blog... but first the soundtrack:


the part of my life that difficult right now is the heart part. i just want to say - without preaching - that everyone should know... they should fundamentally understand what cheating does to a relationship and to trust and respect and finally to love. it destroys it. there are people who overcome it - people who find that it was a wake up call in their relationship to make things better and i wish my experience was like that. but it wasn't. my experience was that he simply chose to sleep with another person... even though he said he still loved me. i don't think love is supposed to feel like this. i don't think love is supposed to shatter your heart.

i'm not going to go into the details because the person reads here. but knowing. and continuing on after finding out that he slept with someone else has been easier and harder than i could have ever imagined. the part that keeps my stomach in knots is knowing that the moment between them may have only been trivial to him but it was everything we had together. the two years that we built a frienship and a relationship. all the moments that were so dear to me. that were sacred. that's what he gave her. and i hope she's happy with it... i hope it fits her well.

we've tried for months. we've continued to try. in hope that i suppose we'd be able to revive what was lost. but after last night's conversation i have given up hope. i have to move on.

and so now... that's the direction i'm moving. towards the future. and what a beautiful future it's going to be.

my name is lex and i'm grateful

'if ever i should ever seem to take for granted, this lovely life that i have been handed, darlin' don't just stand there, come knock me around....' - jets to brazil - wish list

last night as shannon and i were driving home from the bbq with the girls in the car i realized that my life is pretty fucking awesome. my grades from last semester were great, i got a paid research internship this summer, i have wonderful friends and em is not only doing great in school... she's just an amazing kid. i don't think there is anything that could be better in my life right now... there are things i would definitely change or adjust but sometimes it's good to just sit back and really enjoy what you have.

on that note.. i'm going to be grateful and relax. and listen to the decemberists. and maybe make tea... and maybe dance around a little while packing.

the last 48

it's odd to me to not be able to discuss my feelings openly in my blog... but for now there are things that don't belong in the public eye. and i'm okay with that. happy about it even.

this week has been a difficult week.

dawnielle's dad passed on tuesday night and i am sad for their family and of course for her hurting heart. nothing on earth can replace a parent and nothing can change the hurt that their family is going through. i can only hope that the small moments of happiness and gratitude are enough to get them through these times.

the semester is almost over and i am very excited! i had my last exam for regular classes today. just a few weeks ago i was inducted into the national honor society and i'm proud of my gpa. regardless of how wonderful it is to be successful, i'm relieved that the semester is over! two finals in about 10 days and then i'm a free woman.

things in my life, are pretty wonderful. i have a wonderful boyfriend, a daughter who is happy and healthy and a family who loves me and supports me. all the work that i have done in the past year to get "us" to this place has really begun to pay off.

in life there is always sour with the sweet and things that are sad. this week has provided all of them... and i am grateful for each moment.. even the difficult ones.

on that note. i say goodnight.

knowing what you can change and what you cannot

somedays you have to figure out the hard way what and who you cannot change. that's all you can do... realize what is within your control and what is not. then as my 7 year old said when she got off the phone with her dad yesterday "i have to move on with my life". here's to moving on and letting go.

ps - my heart is definitely in san diego along with my new tattoo..

san diego's southern cross

'cause the truth you might be runnin' from is so small
but it's as big as the promise, the promise of a comin' day
so i'm sailin' for tomorrow, my dreams are a dyin'.....
think about how many times i have fallin'
spirits are using me, larger voices callin'...
....

crosby stills and nash - southern cross





i have learned many things from this past weekend in san diego. i have learned about myself and about what it means to be alive and in this life. i have learned more about family and friendship and about the bonds that hold us together and move us apart than i ever knew was possible. i learned what it means... to love someone so much that the love will endure beyond what we understand. i don't mean romantic love. i mean the love of a family and i mean what happens to the love and the bond when we cannot define it by life. and in some ways i think i mean a romantic love... a romance between a man who is the best father i know and the strongest woman i've ever met who chose to stand beside him. the woman who will continue in his place to be the solid rock and flexible ties that holds a family together in a house with a garden that feels so much like home that i feel lost now that i am not there.

i have not written about this, although it has been going on for quite awhile. i wanted to give privacy to those who needed it and not speak about a future that had not become definite. i still was hoping (and in my heart am still hoping and praying) that the one thing i was most afraid would not come to pass. i write about it now because this is the piece that i can give... my words and my perspective as a salve or an outlet for how much my heart hurts.... unfortunately i am probably the only one who can or will be helped by my words that seem to be unable to express fully what my heart feels like.

my best friend's dad is dying. i don't mean in the abstract way in which this life is not permanent and we are all slowly dying by a series of breaths. i mean in the concrete way in which he will not be living in a set amount of time. i mean that he, for all of his strength and his fight and his power has come up against cancer and it is killing him in small increments. in small enough increments that we still hope that somehow it will turn out differently but big enough increments to rip that hope and your silly human heart to shreds.

it seems that when i think about it logically that it cannot possibly make sense. you would have to know him... but it's not possible. and that cannot possibly be true. it's too awful and it's too big and it's too much and it's not fair.

and i love him. like a father, a mentor and a hero. i love him because of a thousand things but mostly because he is simply him. i love him even more because he gave me my best friend. she has been in my life for 29 years and she is the other half of me. some days it seems she is the better part and the better half.

and some days, like today, my grief seems so big that my heart seems to hurt from growing large enough to hold onto it. the grief is senseless and frightening and beyond what i can manage with human feelings and human words. the grief feels so big that it makes everything else seem pointless in it's wake... like school or grocery shopping or getting new shoes. those small things are all swallowed up into a undefined mess of daily tasks that must happen but seem to hold no joy or interest... but the hardest thing is getting past the feelings of powerlessness and anger at how this could have possibly happened. the even harder part is that she is my best friend and i know how she hurts and i know how i am impotent to help her. i don't know what to say or do... except to say that there is nothing i can do or say and there isn't a way this will be okay.

i will admit that i have been standoffish to my friends and to my boyfriend. i have had a hard time talking about it - my feelings, my fears and what it all means. i know that talking about these things supposedly makes it better but everytime i talk about it i feel like others are overwhelmed with the duty to say it will be okay and it won't. it can't ever be okay... maybe it won't be as bad but it's hard to believe that it will be okay.

and so it is with that knowledge... the knowledge of exactly where we are that i leave you. we are in unchartered territory - on a map of life. and it is just life. and it's terminal. and it works out okay in the end. and it's already tomorrow in australia. and i've been around the world looking for myself (the only woman-girl i know) and i've got to trust that above all things love endures.

and to dawnielle - even though you may start to like karaoke... "what heaven brought you and me cannot be forgotten" - we are family linked together through happiness and tragedy and "you understand why now (we) came this way" and i wouldn't have come any other way. i promise that if you need me i will always come. i'm sorry i cannot do more.

hell in a head gasket

my car is... well... being an issue. and looks like i need a head gasket. *sigh*

i didn't do well on my physics exam last week. *ugh*

i have a calculus exam tomorrow. *bluh*

i have a research paper to write about the effects of environmental racism. *yuck*

the dishes need doing. *......*

however, i got to talk to my favorite chester boy today for an hour and a half. *hooray*

i have a fun activity planned with emma this afternoon post school. and she got 100% on her spelling test last week!! *woohoo*

my coffee was exceptionally awesome this morning. *mmmmm*

i get to see dawnielle this weekend. *sigh, in a good way*


i've decided what happens in life is not personal. this is life. i make choices. some are good and some are flawed. i just take it one day at a time, do what i can do and patiently wait for things to work themselves out. when they work out i am grateful. when it's difficult going or it requires lots of doing i take it one step at a time and cross the bridges as they come. when they don't work out i sigh but am grateful for the lesson. it's all okay and it's just life. it's meant to be challenging and exciting and a learning curve.

i'd still like an instruction booklet though....

shoulda coulda woulda

should be studying for physics... energy and force and acceleration and whatnot but i just can't seem to muster up the energy to accelerate my ass in that direction... it feels.. well like i'm being forced. come'on you know i'm clever... that's funny right?... i totally know. i'm funny.

and apparently give good sound bites. that's at least what an ignorant asshole wrote me the other day when i told him to go peddle crazy somewhere else.... then he rambled on with incoherent shit for another two paragraphs or so. i'd probably remember it but it was ridiculous and chock full of crazy. now, i know i'm supposed to be able to be above that sort of negativity. trust me. that was the positive version of what i wanted to say... i guess sometimes you just have to call a duck a duck.

luckily i am able to focus on physics, my friends and the good things in my life. it makes me thankful that i have time and space between myself and self deluded lying drug addicts who manipulate every situation to be about themselves.

found... 1 iP0d

two days ago i found an iP0d that i lost while i lived in alaska at the bottom of a backpack and although it has hundreds of songs on it i found about 50 songs i had forgotten that i absolutely loved. i recommend losing an iP0d that you know you'll get back just to enjoy the sound of music almost two years later...

for your listening pleasure here are two of my favorites...

comin' home from cali and this life's so thick that you can hardly swim on through it

it was a long weekend in cali... i'm not ready to talk about it.

i haven't dropped off the face of the earth... i'm just processing the circle of life and what it means to really live. i'm facing what it means to be in my thirties and no longer be a child protected from black news and black days... to have to face what is inevitable about living and about breathing and that is that one day you will cease to do both.

i'm learning, processing, breathing and being grateful for absolutely everything in my life. sometimes when you can do nothing else you can recognize that you get today. there are no other promises and when it has to come down to it... today is enough.

i have pictures to post of trees. i have heartache to blog about. i have things to think about. tonight though, i have to sleep.

and this song is the new cali song... because as dawnielle said today it just makes her happy in her heart. and some days... because she is the one i've known my whole life and more days than not she is the best parts of me... making her happy makes me happy. and i'm grateful for that.

limitless possibilities

i appreciate... the opportunity of the possibility. i appreciate the definition of myself that i see reflected in the most true and honest body of water around. i appreciate what i learn about myself when i am challenged. these things give me limitless possibilities. and therefore limitless opportunity.

i think that is a good thing.