awesoments

physics is reality

or perhaps it isn't but i realized today that fixing your life... like really fixing it and making it the life you want to live can be solved like a physics problem. it's all about force, motion, gravity, velocity, acceleration, position and the ever important delta.

oh delta. the change in something. your final position minus your initial position is your delta... the actual amount that you have grown, moved, lived, thought or realized. we all need a little delta in our lives.

you can always figure out your relative ratio to the past by using the law of sines or cosines. you can always know what you velocity is, what direction you are headed and you know the force of gravity in your life.

i have to remind myself that things don't always work out in physics problems and in real life. more importantly sometimes it's not even about getting the right answer... it's about what you learn while you're busy getting shit all wrong. sometimes we get answers that surprise us, sometimes there is more than one answer, and most of all it's important to remember that it's okay to define the positive direction of your own personal coordinate system.

most importantly it's okay to look at a problem and know when you're done with the "physics" part and the rest of the answer is just the math that goes along with it... i should apply that more frequently in my own life... why am i continuing to pursue the solution to a finite end when at some point i can step back and know that i've achieved the growth and understanding that the problem was meant to teach me.

what am i here for anyway? to be right or to understand myself, grow in every way and to be the best version of myself that i can be? most days the answer is the latter.... some days i still fail and go for being right... luckily i know how to learn from those days.

luckily i know how big my personal delta is these days, i know what is the positive direction for myself, i know how to define the magnitude of vectors and i am ever respectful of gravity and i'm increasingly wary of trying to just "get to the right answer".... even i'm a little proud.

entropy, alligators and aimee mann

i sit tonight quietly trying to do my homework for my communications class and you keep floating to the front of my head. today was the first day that i thought of you and anger didn't well up behind that thought. today was the first day in which i wondered how long it would be until we could move back into some sort of easy flowing communication. it was so coincidental that you called... i know you... that you want to make the effort but don't want to pressure me. i wish it was just that easy. i wish after all this time that we could just move backwards and forget what transpired.
go here and listen to this: the scientist - aimee mann
perhaps one day you will understand just what it is that happened. perhaps one day we can meet somewhere and get a cup of coffee and go for a walk and just talk.... just you and i. perhaps one day we can really meet each other. perhaps we won't need anyone else to tell either one of us what to think or say or worry about. perhaps you will one day be willing to forgive what i am judged to be... it's so strange to me that you who has been judged and made mistakes and understands redemption would not understand that i am worth the same things.
perhaps it is good... and as much as it kills me because i want to deny it... but the truth is that good things have come of it. there has been fruit in it because i have gotten the chance to explore other things within myself and stand alone without the crutch that you offered. i have gotten the opportunity to reexplore a part of my old life and in ways make old things right. it's the strangest thing about loss and growth of life... one thing dies and in it's place something beautiful grows and thrives in that strange awkward space. the space that i thought was his that no one would ever fill, you grew out of so quickly and made bigger... in ways i didn't know i was ready for... that space has growth of new seeds - of what i've been sowing lately with my best foot forward.

it doesn't mean that you didn't break my heart. but i suppose that a broken heart can only really hurt in that incapacitating way for a finite amount of time before it ceases to matter. when the mattering becomes anti-matter and things cease to really have any universal perspective... perhaps even feelings and memories tend to move in forward reaction towards entropy.
regardless, i don't wallow well..... and in some ways i'm sorry about that. today as i stopped being angry i stopped wallowing and feeling sorry for myself. today i began to honor the promise i made to send you on your way in peace. i do understand. i have regret and as a result i wish things were different but you know what they say - about hands and wishes.
so farewell, don't get eaten by an alligator, give the boys my love and try your best to become the best version of yourself.... i'll be here being the best version of myself and we'll just have to agree to disagree about the rest.

the physics of meaning

the physics of meaning it's a band with a great song called aeroplanes and hurricanes... not my favorite like These United States over and over again but it's metaphorical and you know i'm a girl that likes the comfort of things being metaphorical and literal all at the same time. it gives me a strange contented feeling like running my tongue over the same spot on my cheek that i accidentally bit into. to understand that things are working on every plane and every platform and every level. when i find things come together in the perfect symbiosis that is a healthy life experiment i am always elated. excited like i feel when i have deja vu and when i finally see clearly what was right in front of me the whole time.

so anyway, the physics of meaning. what things mean and what is said and implied and how things are interpreted and what expectations are built and how fragile they all are when piled end to end in a tower like form. what that means and how gravity, motion, kinetic and potential energy all apply to tower building and misunderstandings that happen by default because we are imperfect and flawed beings. like building a tower to babel those things - the communications that are missed and the laws of the universe that we have created between us - eventually those come clanging down because the language is no longer understood amongst all the communicators.

i'm not sure how to avoid these things. i try time and time again to communicate just as clearly and honestly as i can but i find more often than not that either i fail or i seem to have misplaced my stupid decoder ring. i wish that i could somehow... just somehow see how delicate things are... when the message i'm getting is that they are perfectly stable. perhaps i'm just one of those people who is too direct, too straight forward or too logical. i, horror of all horrors, take things literally when people tell me what they want, think or feel. i like to overthink and be impulsive and i've found that it just doesn't work because i'm not a mind reader and truth be known i'm just not that smart. so i've worked hard to let people be what they are, accept what they are giving, wait until the message changes before i jump to conclusions. i thought that was all good stuff... being redemptive or neutral instead of reactive. however... every once in a while i realize about 10 hours too late that i've missed the secret message written in invisible ink and i am left with the pieces of the tower that i didn't even build.

so from now on... if you're looking for a place to dump your expectations, judgment, secret messages, implications and unspoken ideas... you need to do it on your side of the street. those things aren't mine. and it hurts my feelings to know that even when you promise that we're on the same page and i trust you that it could change at a moment's notice. i'm simply not ready for those if, ands, or buts. we have built something so strong and wonderful. i'm surprised that it could be blown over by something that seemed to be so within our realm of what we could together deal with. that uncertainty and that doubt and fear is not about being... that's about doing and i'm definitely not allowed to do that.

also want to say on a dorky side note that today i finally understood arrhenius equation and can solve for the variables and even use the integrated equation. i was proud and kinda nervous.... sometimes success is as scary as failure. i did find it coincidental that the things in the equation seem to apply to my personal situation today. if you'll indulge me (which you will because it's my blog) i'll show you what i found kind of amazing...
the equation is as follows:
k = Ae ^Ea/Rt
where k is the rate constant
A is the frequency factor
Ea is the activation energy
R is a given constant (8.314 J/mol)
and t is the temperature.

so.... now you apply it to life
k is the rate at which interactions take place
A is the frequency at which they successfully occur
Ea is the effort required to make the interaction positive and fruitful
R is the constant or the basis - your personal values, morals and ideals that offer common ground
t is still the temperature but we can use the scale of "cold" to "hot" for "dislike" to "love"

i promise if you start plugging in numbers from your personal life you will find that it works.... because chemistry is not subjective and it is not about decoder rings. it is all about clean science that is logical and perfect and if i could i would only live in that world... because well.... it makes so much sense.