i absolutely for sure no doubts about it know why i'm not married.... it has nothing to do with all the crap we usually discuss... it is simply because this man is married and he is without a doubt the ideal of perfection.... if there are anymore out there like him i would gladly put up with just about anything to have him make me pancakes in the morning, take naps with me in the afternoon and sing to me at night. (sam beam from iron & wine)
if you've ever had a question about if there is sheer goodness and perfection and loveliness in the world i urge to watch this and maybe if you're lucky you'll get little butterflies in your stomach just like i do.... i recommend "innocent bones" because "no one is the saviour they would like to be...."
it's time that i had some space and time for some personal renovations. in being honest and hopeful about that i have to spend what energy i have on the direction i'm going... and well, it's not been tested by the fda yet so i can't say that it's fit for human consumption.
it's simultaneously a huge deal and not a big deal at all. i'm sure i'll be back blogging soon... in the meantime keep checking out these things:
cover lay down - the best music blog and insight into the relationship between the human soul and the love of music itself hypem.com - the place to check out new tunes and listen to them online in their whole goodness this american life - the most amazing thing in the world... true life... real life captured and perfectly painted over the course of an hour radio lab - mr. science meets this american life... for insightful and intelligent goodness
additionally don't forget to love, save the world, be still and quiet sometimes and as abraham lincoln said..... "whatever you are, be a good one."
i was going to write a lot of things tonight.... but i am reminded as i sit down to this very public venue that not everyone likes their life to be read on the web. not everyone likes to throw their emotional guts out there and have others feast on the sweet meats like some internet hannibal lecter enjoying the salty and rawness of fresh destruction and death. so out of respect for the more squeamish i will abide to my first rule and only divulge here what is mine to divulge. i may be a cannibal and a voyeur but i'm not an asshole... instead of the original post i wrote another post... long and poignant and deeply personal and then realized again that it violates the rules of opening up others to the public living that a daily blog can create... so i had to censure myself again. in the place of those two things i can only give you this brief something..... something about making mistakes and having the opportunity to be forgiven, something about finding out once and for all what a person you love really (i mean no holding back REALLY) thinks about you, something about deserving that accurate and pointed judgment, something about giving up and then deciding i'd rather give in, something about being flawed and imperfect and finding out that it hasn't changed, something about how if jameson can't fix this cluster fuck i've created we're all in serious trouble, something about anxiety and the restlessness that comes from being on the cusp of failure and success all at once and lastly i was going to write something about the beauty and dichotomy of stark contrasts. that last subject matter is the only thing i can manage for right now because the rest of it is a rat's nest of stupid emotional rawness that i still haven't had a chance to figure out... do i cut the blue or the red wire? will this shit blow up no matter what i do? this is officially the scariest environment imaginable... but that is not the point. here my dear friends is the point..... as my plane glides over clouds, not the puffy ones but the ones that are stretched out and thin as gauze over the landscape, i see beneath me a mountain range. i identified in the landscape the beauty of contrasts - the elusive wonderment in only seeing one thing because you've seen another - light for dark, life for death, love for hate, smooth for rough and internal fulfillment because you've been through the void. i have seen and felt all of those things, sometimes it's all the good ones, or all the bad ones, or in the good moments they come in paced intervals one after another in waves that i can breathe through. stark contrasts illuminate what we want to see and what we like about the picture of ourselves and others. i myself have seen the dark overwhelm me and the light fill me in the space of 2 long days, been loved and honoured and cherished and then discarded in the space of 24 hours and have felt the smooth feeling of flying and then the rough realization that flight is no longer even an option. now i suppose it's up to me to find that ever escaping and twirling and curling mythical beast called fulfillment because if we're all being honest and i don't know why we wouldn't be here... i've seen the void and i'm frustrated and sick to death of it. funny how different things can come together to say exactly what it is that you've been searching the dictionary of the universe for the chorus to...
there are times when things happen and i have to make an SOS call into the valley. it's strange because 9 times out of 10 the call isn't answered but the ritual of it after so many years makes me feel better. once the call is made and the machine picks up i instantly feel better and then i can usually walk away and make myself some tea, put my feet up and breathe. i can usually debrief myself or field dress whatever wound has become the most recent. sometimes i wonder if the person on the other side of the calls knows that i don't leave a message because i don't have to anymore. i wonder if he knows sometimes sending up the flare is enough to give me the chance to de-escalate on my own. i wonder if he knows that when it's all said and done i credit him with the save, the distress call answering and the feeling of security i get from reaching out to a place of safety.
when i learned to ride a bike i was at my friend dawnielle's house in stillwater, ok. she had already learned and i was excited to be the same as her. i rode the bike up and down the street with her dad holding the back of the seat. up and down. up and down. i wobbled and tottered and steered weird and turned my handle bars at odd angles. getting that coordination memorized isn't easy. in fact it was down right scary and i remember being concentrated, frustrated and excited all at the same time... just knowing that i was on the cusp of something amazing. finally he said let's do it one more time... and so i got set and we started off and when we got to the end of the block he wasn't there... he wasn't next to me. i think i walked the bike back because i couldn't imagine trying to ride without him. when i got close i could see him smiling and he said "you did it" and i said incredulously "i did?" and i had.
sometimes we all need a safety net... whether we fall or not... and sometimes we need to believe that others are the ones responsible for our safety because the idea that if you looked down or recognized how far you had gotten out of your safety zone then you might fall flat on your face out of the old fears and anxieties.
today i needed to make the call into the valley, and without worrying about what i would say or how i would explain or having something planned out i just called. i heard the machine pick up and then without leaving a message i hung up the phone and made myself tea. i don't think things are fixed but i know they are better than they were before... and even a small improvement is better than nothing.
from wikipedia: A mulligan, in a game, happens when a player gets a second chance to perform a certain move or action. The term has found a broader acceptance in both general speech and other games, meaning any minor blunder which is allowed to pass unnoticed or without consequence. In both senses, it is implied that a mulligan is forgiven because it was either made by a rank beginner, or it is unusual and not indicative of the level of play or conduct expected of the person who made the mulligan. The word can also be used in instances outside of sports, in real-life situations. For example, it has been used commonly in relationships where a person messes up the relationship the first time around, then regrets the screw up, and wishes for a mulligan having realized how ridiculous the initial action was.
now... the important thing here is that life doesn't give many mulligans. it's just not the same as being forgiving. it relies heavily on the understanding that whatever happened was "unusual and not indicative of the level...(of)... conduct expected of the person". now in my life i am willing to be forgiving and to forgive and forget. that blanket forgiveness presupposes a few important things:
the person isn't simply an ass
the person has a redeeming quality beyond being an ass if they happen to be
that growth, change, respect, honour and integrity are possible in the relationship
that the person understands the value of the opportunity they have been given
based upon this little diatribe and this logical example i am choosing that in this game... the game we refer to as my life... that right now we're handing out mulligans. we simply aren't.
sorry. i know that's hard to hear, understand and accept. i understand the difficulty that comes from being asked to stand by actions and words that were thrown around without much thought. tough luck. this is what it has come down to. this is where we've gotten.
and i haven't arrived here in anger, fear or frustration. i've arrived here in honesty and self respect. i've decided what it is that i'm capable of putting up with and what i'm not. from where i sit right now the simple truth of the matter is that acting out like a child and then requesting a "do over" or a mulligan simply doesn't work. i don't have the energy and i don't have the patience or the understanding. i don't have the time or the mental capacity.
i know that this may come as a big shock... i know it may be uncomfortable and for that i am truly sorry. i feel badly. i really do. maybe after i've recovered from the blow of the irresponsible actions and the false things that were said about me i'll be able to let it go. right now i'm not able. i don't really know what else to say. except that attempts to provoke a reaction from me like the idiotic one today are laughable. i seriously laughed. if that's what is going to happen because i won't give you what you want - that you act like a petulant child then i think my decision is a great one. you're just giving me validation and affirmation and i thank you for challenging me enough to stand up for myself and stop being such a damn push over.
learning isn't easy. i don't ever expect that i'm going to be perfect. all i'm hoping for is that every night between now and my last one i am able to sleep as soundly as i will tonight. that perfect sleep that only comes with a clear conscience and a heart beating softly in the chest cavity to the rhythm of self respect.
i find in life that i am often confused about what people's intentions and what the social ramifications are of asking someone point blank: what is it that you intended with that statement / action / attitude?
i'm not being difficult i really don't understand what people are trying to communicate to me. i find that often times my experience is that people seem to have a very bizarre way of making their feelings / wants / thoughts known. they seem to allude to things, be very passive aggressive and say things like "if you want to" when they really mean that THEY want to. they seem to suggest and hint and avoid articulation of anything having to do with logic or clearly expressing what is really going on.
as a result of this they seem to infringe upon my boundaries and my go way beyond my personal comfort level. i'm not saying i'm right, i'm simply saying that in this little square of the world it's the way shit goes down and if i don't get it or i'm uncomfortable or on edge i'm not the best version of myself... in fact i can be down right cranky.
there are a couple of things that are myths about me: that i'm difficult, that i'm outgoing, that i'm purposely didactic about scenarios, feelings and situations. it turns out that 95% of the time i am easy going and easy to get along with - in fact i have very few opinions about day to day things. i do have a list of things that i don't like - people taking liberties with my boundaries, people pushing / bullying / manipulating me, people not listening to what i'm communicating and there is one thing i hate more than anything - being invalidated purposely... you the oh so nice reader might wonder here what i'm talking about so i'm going to break it down to a more basic level.... if you say things like "it's not a big deal" / "don't worry about it" / "don't overthink it" / "i don't think that it a big deal" / "i don't think it's like that" when i've expressed that it's important to me or beyond my comfort level or that something is making me angry. yes, those innocuous phrases that people throw around like bad beer commercial quotes... yes, those simple phrases that are meant to lighten things up or avoid the point. they are invalidating and hurtful and upsetting and leave me feeling like i can't relate. often i find that my frustration at being invalid, hurt and isolated is anger. i don't like to feel angry. i don't like any of it. i don't even want to be a part of it.
now the second part of this which is that i'm not great at conflict. in the heat of the moment i have two conflict styles: avoidance and anger. if i'm given time to process the information isolate the source of my discomfort and figure out the logical solution i can communicate quite well. in fact given that opportunity i'm a damn good communicator. so i know that this is also inconvenient... i know that in this world of instant gratification, reality television and online shopping it seems that i could maybe move into the new millenium and speed things up but i'll be honest... when it comes to conflict i'm back in approximately 1826. yeah, i know it's fucked up. i have conflict resolution skills circa 1826 ... maybe 1835 on a good day. and the even more important thing is that it's not about the other person. it's about my own shit. and yeah, i'm working on it. and yeah, it's easy to analyze and talk about here but i only get a chance to practice when i'm in conflict and i find that it's not the best time to experiment with outcomes. further more... it's probably a good time to admit that these are the secondary skills cuz the first ones were ones that i had before $15000 in therapy.
moreover, i think it's important for everyone to understand that i'm not doing that because i like to be difficult in that way - it's a personality defect. i realize that it's a lot to ask for.... that small courtesy... to not be inconsiderate, to validate other people and to understand that sometimes i need a minute. do i expect that eventually it will get to a point where these things aren't true? abso-fucking-lutely. but in the meantime try to work with me people... geez...
three things i just saw on the trinity broadcasting network:
1. kirk cameron preaching about the lord and how dirty we all are.... he was a way better actor on whatever unimportant 80s show he used to be on..
2. an old lady (91 if she was a day) crying because she was stoked about the choir. i'm still not sure why she was crying unless it was the dude in the fourth row who was clearly lipsynching.
3. a dude with a mullet talking about the coming apocalypse and then trying to sell his book to viewers about said apocalypse. he did not mention mullets and their inherent tie into all that is evil.
three other things you should know: 1. no i don't watch trinity broadcasting network usually
2. i was flipping channels and it looked just as interesting as a sitcom
3. i'm concerned about what i've seen and feel a little weirded out like i've seen something i shouldn't have... i've seen porn that made me feel less ashamed.
i am under no circumstances allowed to watch the notebook again.
seriously. it's not good for me.
tonight i watched the notebook and had an existential crisis about what it all means and where i'm going in my life. i used all three of my most recent favorite analogies while trying to cope: 1. it's all chemistry. whether it's good chemistry or bad chemistry it all looks the same. the only way you know whether the chemistry has created pure oxygen or a noxious gas that will kill you is to breathe it in. you can't judge something by the way it looks but you should over time stop mixing the same chemicals if it turns out to be toxic. 2. my relationship history is sort of like a carousel. i'm not really going anywhere and i keep getting on the same horse after forgetting that i rode it two times before. i'm tired of going round and round and up and down. 3. my issues are like an overpacked disorganized garage. sometimes i need to get something out and i get frustrated that it's so cluttered and so i want to get it all sorted out. sometimes i need to take someone into the garage and i get embarrassed about all the shit i'm keeping in there. either way it's not being used for what it's meant to be used for... i'm not keeping a car in there. i'm simply using it for storage of old crap.
i realize that none of those have the full appeal that they do when i explain them in person and none of them sound really insightful. i also realize that they are all sadly true.
have you ever thought seriously about marrying someone from another country just so can have a different passport and then you didn't have to be associated with your own government?
i have.
i tried to find a quote or a picture here to justify these feelings but i got depressed looking. this is all i could find and i think it sums it up pretty accurately.
it's the oxford english dictionary word of the day and an awesome blog entry of mine from back in the day... go back and read it if you haven't had the pleasure.
Brit. /
psmn/, U.S. /prsm()n/
A.n.
1. The edible plumlike fruit of the North American tree Diospyros virginiana (the persimmon tree: see sense A. 2a), a large yellow or orange berry which is usually very astringent even when ripe but becomes sweet when softened by frost and almost rotten. Also: the similar but larger fruit of the Japanese tree D. kaki, which is much eaten in China and Japan and increasingly elsewhere. The Sharon fruit is a form of the Japanese persimmon which can be eaten at a much earlier stage.
2. a. The tree Diospyros virginiana (family Ebenaceae) of the southern United States, which produces the persimmon fruit (more fully American persimmon). Also (more fully Japanese persimmon): the related tree D. kaki, a native of China and Japan which is increasingly grown elsewhere for its fruit; also called kaki. Mexican persimmon: see Mexican persimmon n. at MEXICAN n. and adj. Special uses 1b.
b. The hard wood of a persimmon tree, esp. Diospyros virginiana, formerly used for making golf-club heads and loom shuttles.
3. The colour of persimmon fruit or wood; reddish orange; reddish brown.
B.adj. Of the colour of persimmon fruit or wood; reddish orange; reddish brown.
PHRASES
P1. Chiefly U.S.colloq. and regional. to be a huckleberry to (also over) someone's persimmon: see HUCKLEBERRY n. 4.
P2.to pass one's persimmon: to be beyond one's comprehension or understanding. Also to be a jump above one's tallest persimmons.
P3.to shake down (also bring down, rake (up), walk off with) the persimmon(s): to win the prize, to pocket the winnings. Now rare.
P4.the longest pole knocks the persimmon (and variants): the best-placed or most able contender wins.
P5.that's (the ripe) persimmon: that's fine, that's ideal.
P6.it's no use taking four bites at a persimmon: a good opportunity must be seized promptly. rare.
COMPOUNDS
C1. Chiefly U.S.
persimmon beern.
persimmon bushn.
persimmon-colouredadj.
persimmon plumn.Obs.
persimmon pondn.
persimmon treen.
persimmon woodn.
C2.persimmon-skinn.U.S.colloq. a person with persimmon-coloured skin; spec. (depreciative) a light-skinned black person.
the royal "we" of course. the "we" that speaks of uncertainty and never fingers a victim or a culprit or points at anyone in particular. the "we" that is palatable and comfortable and avoids confrontation and bad feelings and uncertainty. it's a nice "we". it's so sweet and innocent and innocuous.... it's something i've built a lot of my life on. that fear and avoidance of confrontation has become a whole piece of me that i use to maintain what i've built.... and oh have i ever built a glass house. it's one that several people have thrown stones at... and throw away. i've got plenty of glass to repair the things that you shatter with your ill chosen words, your inconsiderate judgments and your general misunderstanding of what i think believe and feel. i know myself and my life and my path and i know how we got here... and i would like to say that it was one big bar tab after another, you know crummy airport bar after crummy airport bar and seedy motel after seedy motel in a string of happenstance occurances that took hold and steered the vessel into the port that we're in. i would like to say it was some version of a hard luck story and that i wasn't to blame.. i had excuses or reasons or justifications. but i don't. it was a series of decisions made with the best intentions and the worst planning. it's strange to believe that we've gotten here - to this junction in the road through thought and discussion and planning. it's almost silly how something rooted in love and hope can take a turn into such a tawdry little one horse town filled with desperation, loneliness and angry hurt feelings.
i guess it's easy to just sum it all up: the road to hell is paved with good intentions and you can throw stones at my glass house right here on the corner of hell avenue and ill-remembered love way.
yeah you'll have to right click and then listen on the hypem.com site because well.... apparently people don't like to have their music all free and shit floating around the internet.
you can thank cody for this awesomeness.... one, two, three.... THANKS CODY!
now that was nice. like an internet hug. which is in fact free.... which brings me to the most awesome thing ever:
s
m
persimmon