the mulligan

from wikipedia: A mulligan, in a game, happens when a player gets a second chance to perform a certain move or action. The term has found a broader acceptance in both general speech and other games, meaning any minor blunder which is allowed to pass unnoticed or without consequence. In both senses, it is implied that a mulligan is forgiven because it was either made by a rank beginner, or it is unusual and not indicative of the level of play or conduct expected of the person who made the mulligan. The word can also be used in instances outside of sports, in real-life situations. For example, it has been used commonly in relationships where a person messes up the relationship the first time around, then regrets the screw up, and wishes for a mulligan having realized how ridiculous the initial action was.

now... the important thing here is that life doesn't give many mulligans. it's just not the same as being forgiving. it relies heavily on the understanding that whatever happened was "unusual and not indicative of the level...(of)... conduct expected of the person". now in my life i am willing to be forgiving and to forgive and forget. that blanket forgiveness presupposes a few important things:

1. the person isn't simply an ass
2. the person has a redeeming quality beyond being an ass if they happen to be
3. that growth, change, respect, honour and integrity are possible in the relationship
4. that the person understands the value of the opportunity they have been given

based upon this little diatribe and this logical example i am choosing that in this game... the game we refer to as my life... that right now we're handing out mulligans. we simply aren't.

sorry. i know that's hard to hear, understand and accept. i understand the difficulty that comes from being asked to stand by actions and words that were thrown around without much thought. tough luck. this is what it has come down to. this is where we've gotten.

and i haven't arrived here in anger, fear or frustration. i've arrived here in honesty and self respect. i've decided what it is that i'm capable of putting up with and what i'm not. from where i sit right now the simple truth of the matter is that acting out like a child and then requesting a "do over" or a mulligan simply doesn't work. i don't have the energy and i don't have the patience or the understanding. i don't have the time or the mental capacity.

i know that this may come as a big shock... i know it may be uncomfortable and for that i am truly sorry. i feel badly. i really do. maybe after i've recovered from the blow of the irresponsible actions and the false things that were said about me i'll be able to let it go. right now i'm not able. i don't really know what else to say. except that attempts to provoke a reaction from me like the idiotic one today are laughable. i seriously laughed. if that's what is going to happen because i won't give you what you want - that you act like a petulant child then i think my decision is a great one. you're just giving me validation and affirmation and i thank you for challenging me enough to stand up for myself and stop being such a damn push over.

learning isn't easy. i don't ever expect that i'm going to be perfect. all i'm hoping for is that every night between now and my last one i am able to sleep as soundly as i will tonight. that perfect sleep that only comes with a clear conscience and a heart beating softly in the chest cavity to the rhythm of self respect.