grace potter and the nocturnals - apologies
i find in life that i am often confused about what people's intentions and what the social ramifications are of asking someone point blank: what is it that you intended with that statement / action / attitude?
i'm not being difficult i really don't understand what people are trying to communicate to me. i find that often times my experience is that people seem to have a very bizarre way of making their feelings / wants / thoughts known. they seem to allude to things, be very passive aggressive and say things like "if you want to" when they really mean that THEY want to. they seem to suggest and hint and avoid articulation of anything having to do with logic or clearly expressing what is really going on.
as a result of this they seem to infringe upon my boundaries and my go way beyond my personal comfort level. i'm not saying i'm right, i'm simply saying that in this little square of the world it's the way shit goes down and if i don't get it or i'm uncomfortable or on edge i'm not the best version of myself... in fact i can be down right cranky.
there are a couple of things that are myths about me: that i'm difficult, that i'm outgoing, that i'm purposely didactic about scenarios, feelings and situations. it turns out that 95% of the time i am easy going and easy to get along with - in fact i have very few opinions about day to day things. i do have a list of things that i don't like - people taking liberties with my boundaries, people pushing / bullying / manipulating me, people not listening to what i'm communicating and there is one thing i hate more than anything - being invalidated purposely... you the oh so nice reader might wonder here what i'm talking about so i'm going to break it down to a more basic level.... if you say things like "it's not a big deal" / "don't worry about it" / "don't overthink it" / "i don't think that it a big deal" / "i don't think it's like that" when i've expressed that it's important to me or beyond my comfort level or that something is making me angry. yes, those innocuous phrases that people throw around like bad beer commercial quotes... yes, those simple phrases that are meant to lighten things up or avoid the point. they are invalidating and hurtful and upsetting and leave me feeling like i can't relate. often i find that my frustration at being invalid, hurt and isolated is anger. i don't like to feel angry. i don't like any of it. i don't even want to be a part of it.
now the second part of this which is that i'm not great at conflict. in the heat of the moment i have two conflict styles: avoidance and anger. if i'm given time to process the information isolate the source of my discomfort and figure out the logical solution i can communicate quite well. in fact given that opportunity i'm a damn good communicator. so i know that this is also inconvenient... i know that in this world of instant gratification, reality television and online shopping it seems that i could maybe move into the new millenium and speed things up but i'll be honest... when it comes to conflict i'm back in approximately 1826. yeah, i know it's fucked up. i have conflict resolution skills circa 1826 ... maybe 1835 on a good day. and the even more important thing is that it's not about the other person. it's about my own shit. and yeah, i'm working on it. and yeah, it's easy to analyze and talk about here but i only get a chance to practice when i'm in conflict and i find that it's not the best time to experiment with outcomes. further more... it's probably a good time to admit that these are the secondary skills cuz the first ones were ones that i had before $15000 in therapy.
moreover, i think it's important for everyone to understand that i'm not doing that because i like to be difficult in that way - it's a personality defect. i realize that it's a lot to ask for.... that small courtesy... to not be inconsiderate, to validate other people and to understand that sometimes i need a minute. do i expect that eventually it will get to a point where these things aren't true? abso-fucking-lutely. but in the meantime try to work with me people... geez...
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