phone calls into the valley

lewis & clarke - before it breaks you



there are times when things happen and i have to make an SOS call into the valley. it's strange because 9 times out of 10 the call isn't answered but the ritual of it after so many years makes me feel better. once the call is made and the machine picks up i instantly feel better and then i can usually walk away and make myself some tea, put my feet up and breathe. i can usually debrief myself or field dress whatever wound has become the most recent. sometimes i wonder if the person on the other side of the calls knows that i don't leave a message because i don't have to anymore. i wonder if he knows sometimes sending up the flare is enough to give me the chance to de-escalate on my own. i wonder if he knows that when it's all said and done i credit him with the save, the distress call answering and the feeling of security i get from reaching out to a place of safety.

when i learned to ride a bike i was at my friend dawnielle's house in stillwater, ok. she had already learned and i was excited to be the same as her. i rode the bike up and down the street with her dad holding the back of the seat. up and down. up and down. i wobbled and tottered and steered weird and turned my handle bars at odd angles. getting that coordination memorized isn't easy. in fact it was down right scary and i remember being concentrated, frustrated and excited all at the same time... just knowing that i was on the cusp of something amazing. finally he said let's do it one more time... and so i got set and we started off and when we got to the end of the block he wasn't there... he wasn't next to me. i think i walked the bike back because i couldn't imagine trying to ride without him. when i got close i could see him smiling and he said "you did it" and i said incredulously "i did?" and i had.

sometimes we all need a safety net... whether we fall or not... and sometimes we need to believe that others are the ones responsible for our safety because the idea that if you looked down or recognized how far you had gotten out of your safety zone then you might fall flat on your face out of the old fears and anxieties.

today i needed to make the call into the valley, and without worrying about what i would say or how i would explain or having something planned out i just called. i heard the machine pick up and then without leaving a message i hung up the phone and made myself tea. i don't think things are fixed but i know they are better than they were before... and even a small improvement is better than nothing.