or perhaps it isn't but i realized today that fixing your life... like really fixing it and making it the life you want to live can be solved like a physics problem. it's all about force, motion, gravity, velocity, acceleration, position and the ever important delta.
oh delta. the change in something. your final position minus your initial position is your delta... the actual amount that you have grown, moved, lived, thought or realized. we all need a little delta in our lives.
you can always figure out your relative ratio to the past by using the law of sines or cosines. you can always know what you velocity is, what direction you are headed and you know the force of gravity in your life.
i have to remind myself that things don't always work out in physics problems and in real life. more importantly sometimes it's not even about getting the right answer... it's about what you learn while you're busy getting shit all wrong. sometimes we get answers that surprise us, sometimes there is more than one answer, and most of all it's important to remember that it's okay to define the positive direction of your own personal coordinate system.
most importantly it's okay to look at a problem and know when you're done with the "physics" part and the rest of the answer is just the math that goes along with it... i should apply that more frequently in my own life... why am i continuing to pursue the solution to a finite end when at some point i can step back and know that i've achieved the growth and understanding that the problem was meant to teach me.
what am i here for anyway? to be right or to understand myself, grow in every way and to be the best version of myself that i can be? most days the answer is the latter.... some days i still fail and go for being right... luckily i know how to learn from those days.
luckily i know how big my personal delta is these days, i know what is the positive direction for myself, i know how to define the magnitude of vectors and i am ever respectful of gravity and i'm increasingly wary of trying to just "get to the right answer".... even i'm a little proud.
26 February 2009
24 February 2009
isn't it just simply...
isn't it just simply amazing that we can bend and move and change and withstand many things and then the simplest things... the small breeches in the barrier of trust seem as if they are going to be the things that break our hearts completely?
go here to hear what i'm listening to:
only love can break your heart
go your own way
(thanks to cover lay down for the soundtrack)
i realized today that two things are true:
1. getting your feelings hurt, trust broken, losing friendship... all those things hurt and initially it stings so much that it feels like there is no bridging the gap in what is "past" or before and what is "future" or after.
2. those things are actually good. once you pick yourself up from what gravity has done and started to assess the damages to your system... you realize that the hurt means you are breathing, interacting, and being vulnerable.
vulnerable is good. growing is good. sometimes even pain is good.
the perspective that comes from vulnerability, growth and pain is even better. not just as good as... it's better. teaching ourselves about life and the life we want by being open to life is difficult but it's what gets us to where we want to go.
thanks for taking this part of the journey with me... for teaching me perspective through pain. i'm still angry and still don't want to be open to learning this lesson again... but at least i can be grateful and happy that i've learned it. good things came of it... i learned to say no and i learned to have a conflict in which i stood up for myself. funny how the worst can bring out the best in people.
go here to hear what i'm listening to:
only love can break your heart
go your own way
(thanks to cover lay down for the soundtrack)
i realized today that two things are true:
1. getting your feelings hurt, trust broken, losing friendship... all those things hurt and initially it stings so much that it feels like there is no bridging the gap in what is "past" or before and what is "future" or after.
2. those things are actually good. once you pick yourself up from what gravity has done and started to assess the damages to your system... you realize that the hurt means you are breathing, interacting, and being vulnerable.
vulnerable is good. growing is good. sometimes even pain is good.
the perspective that comes from vulnerability, growth and pain is even better. not just as good as... it's better. teaching ourselves about life and the life we want by being open to life is difficult but it's what gets us to where we want to go.
thanks for taking this part of the journey with me... for teaching me perspective through pain. i'm still angry and still don't want to be open to learning this lesson again... but at least i can be grateful and happy that i've learned it. good things came of it... i learned to say no and i learned to have a conflict in which i stood up for myself. funny how the worst can bring out the best in people.
23 February 2009
my postcard from today...
Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters, 1999
here is my postcard for today from the edge of where i am... into the night... which is black and empty.
we cannot always provide others with what they want us to give them. sometimes when someone says 'I'm sorry' to you it's okay to say 'I don't care' back... simply because it's not your problem. it's only your problem to figure out how you feel about it and to get on with your life. sometimes sorry isn't enough and never will be... those moments in which forgiveness need not apply are moments that define us and it makes us stronger.
22 February 2009
21 February 2009
craigslist strikes again
CONFUSED AND BORED - m4w - 39
maybe if you could have kept your legs closed we would still be together. but you couldn't because you are the brainless slut not the other girls I go too.
i swear its the last time - w4m - 28 (phx)
i like dropping you a line once in awhile … you know, just to check in. besides, thinking about your face makes me smile.
but, i won’t be doing that anymore. you see, no matter how hard i try, i can’t maintain any boundary with you. i wish i could. but boundaries have proven to be somewhat of a challenge for me, and for you. i would love it if we could continue to be friends - the kind of friends we were before all this awkward weirdness happened - but, it seems that isn’t possible.
today, your words echo in my ears; your touch lingers on my skin. i can almost feel your hand on my side. i love looking into your eyes. i love it when you’re a little silly and i can almost see your soul.
when i think back over the last handful of years i know i am losing so much. years ago, when i knew of you, i used to wonder about you. when i got to know you, i felt connected to you . i thought of you often. your heart was so weak, so broken, so abused. i wanted to show you how to trust again. i always wanted you to be happy. sometimes i thought i could make you happy. my intentions were so pure, so honest. but then we muddied the waters. we took chances and disregarded boundaries. because of this, sometimes i wish you had never known me.
you should know that you made me feel special. you made me feel pretty. you made me feel sexy. but now i all feel is used. when you weave your way back in (and you always do), i feel a little less used – but i always know that feeling will be fleeting.
so here we are. you over there, and me right here. and that’s the way we have to stay.
i wish this fate was different, but everything has become so clear. you were meant to be part of me, if only for a short time. to teach me something, to lead me to what i wouldn’t allow myself to find alone.
today, my heart is breaking. i owe so much to you, and i’m losing you. this could have been different if i simply did what i knew was right with me. sure, i branched out. i took a chance; tried something new. and now i have to accept the consequence. i get to live with my sin.
with true sincerity, thank you. thank you for everything … the good, the bad, and everything in between. i will never forget the brand you made on my heart. i will always be grateful to you. i can only hope you gained as much from this as i. goodbye, sweet, sweet boy, goodbye.
This should have been us - m4w (No where special)
I used to look forward to today. At times it never was easy to do something truly special, but we always remembered our special day. Now I tend to forget about it the weeks and days leading up to today. Then, somehow, I'm reminded of it. As time goes on, I doubt I'll think so much about it. Maybe someday this day will come and go without a thought of it? In a way I think that I'd like that. I don't want to remember us anymore. Just the same, I hope that I never forget this day - the day that my life certainly had meaning; I had finally done something right and I was fully aware of it. I was so nervous when we got married, however I knew that it was the best day of my life! They say life goes on. Right now I'm slowly starting to experience this "life goes on". So now I just sit here trying to figure out what I want to do with my new life and nothing comes to mind. I wake up everyday, however I'm not really living, just existing. It was hard to in the beginning, but somehow I managed. I know this cause I'm here today. I wouldn't say that I'm not happy. I think I'm doing alright - better than before. I guess as time goes on, you go along with it. Certain familiar things become part of your past and you no longer are reminded. You start to do things differently. After awhile old habits or old routines become slightly different based on the absence of your old life. I've had plenty of time to adjust to this new empty life, however it hasn't been easy. The loneliness and yearing for you have made it difficult, but I'm learning to let go. There have been times where I didn't even think of you. I would feel guilty when I realized that I hadn't thought about you. I was told that it's alright not to remember. It means I'm moving on with my life and that's a good thing. Lately I've been having dreams about us. In the dreams I'm so completely happy and I'm fully aware of this. I look at you and think, my beautiful little wife! We seem so happy an in love. Yet when I wake, the sad reality sets in - you're gone. And it was just a dream. Maybe we're connecting like we use to? It aways amazed me how we knew each other's thoughts or how you would be thinking something and call me about it and i was thinking the same thing - totally random stuff that wasn't even really part of our daily lives or conversations( like me wanting a kitty and i called you about it and it just so happened that you found one and you were going to call me about her and we had never discussed getting a pet. ) I miss you so much. I miss talking to you. I miss seeing you. I miss being around you. I miss everything about you. I love you so much. I will always love you. Happy Anniversary! May you be at peace.
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20 February 2009
the internet is wonderful
things you should definitely check out:
1. You suck at Craigslist
a quick example (sadly i know people who could have actually written this...)
1. You suck at Craigslist
a quick example (sadly i know people who could have actually written this...)
On this, the most romantic of days, I bring you some of the people out there who are wookin’ pa nub in all the wrong places, including Craigslist.
Watched the news lately? - 48
Seeking a lady that is aware of what the future will bring. A survivalist. I would like to find a lady who is under 50 and capable of growing a garden and first aid. A lady that can operate and take care of a horse, tractor, a truck, and an ATV. Must be capable of self-defense! Trapping, reloading and knife sharpening skill is a plus! Looks not too important besides being in good physical shape although big t*ts are a plus. Must currently be self-sufficient! If you have any equipment, send photo and description. We’ll see about the relationship discussion after we get past these requirements. I hope you like the smell of diesel! Smoke or drink, OK. No drugs! Don’t be scared, reply back to me! Criminals, gays and blacks need not apply. Not my flavor
What flavor are gays? To me, it seems like they’d be minty.
And you know, if your t*ts are too big, you won’t be able to sharpen knives very well. They also seem like they might be a hindrance in the whole “tractor and ATV” thing.
2. Passive-Agressive (and just plain aggressive) notes.com
19 February 2009
have you ever wondered if you got something fundamentally wrong in your life? like maybe there is a huge plan for everyone and somehow you got turned around on a path that had confusing signs and made a huge error in the interpretation of the signs?
for example i just found out that one of my long time friends and mentors (who i no longer speak to... it's just effing complicated) has the exact same name as a famous author and mentor who said "that there are always times of trauma and anxiety and crises of self confidence when you are building something and trying to bring about change and improve lives." i'll be honest... that advice might have been the advice all along... like what if i had the name right but was supposed to be friends with the famous author instead?
what if? just weird to think about all those little moments that might have been different if we had always known clearly what the signs said.... it's not about regret... it's more about thinking of things from a different perspective - contradictions cannot exist, if you find a contradiction, go back and check your premise.... for now i'm concentrating on the perspective that anxiety and crises of self confidence exist.. i'll get to the rest later.
for example i just found out that one of my long time friends and mentors (who i no longer speak to... it's just effing complicated) has the exact same name as a famous author and mentor who said "that there are always times of trauma and anxiety and crises of self confidence when you are building something and trying to bring about change and improve lives." i'll be honest... that advice might have been the advice all along... like what if i had the name right but was supposed to be friends with the famous author instead?
what if? just weird to think about all those little moments that might have been different if we had always known clearly what the signs said.... it's not about regret... it's more about thinking of things from a different perspective - contradictions cannot exist, if you find a contradiction, go back and check your premise.... for now i'm concentrating on the perspective that anxiety and crises of self confidence exist.. i'll get to the rest later.
09 February 2009
willing... in the morning...
this morning as i woke, a little earlier than i wanted, a little stiffer than i wanted, a little not sure about monday... for no reason. it's just morning and sometimes i don't love it.
this song is the theme... but you might not "get it" until the end of the blog... and for some of you not even then... just kidding dave...
linda ronstadt - willing
so i help a certain someone put on her new cupcake tights for school - fucking cupcake tights... seriously it's sooo cute... who wouldn't love wearing cupcake tights to school? i mean everyone should maybe wear a pair of cupcake tights just to feel a little pretty and fancy...
anyway so i come downstairs and think about going back to bed after she is safely at school and then i see the best thing that has happened to me in forever... my coffee is already made!!!!! i finally got one of those coffee makers that has a timer and it's the best $20 i ever spent... i cannot stress enough how great it makes your morning to just have that one thing done... to just pour your coffee instead of sleep walking around the kitchen and then impatiently waiting for it to brew just thinking the whole time about how much it sucks to be awake and how if you didn't have to make your stupid coffee you would be 2 things: 1. not addicted to caffeine and 2. still in bed.
so as i'm sitting down with my first cup o coffee for the day i see the following in an email from cody...
you can find the full text here: http://hearingvoices.com/news/2009/02/more-travel-tips/
which just makes me laugh and laugh...
then i remember about the eels... and i remember this thought... this line from another blog (also pointed out by cody) and how it just made me think for awhile...
""i was thinkin' bout how everyone is dying, and maybe it's time to live" in "p.s. you rock my world"). it's a stunning conclusion to this intensely personal, unforgettably emotional story"
you can find the full text here: http://sand-is-overrated.blogspot.com/2008/02/you-think-i-got-it-all-going-my-way.html
ps. the tag line on that blog is: sand is overrated. it's just tiny little rocks. which is hilarious in itself.
and then i get to sit with my third cup of coffee and think about the fact that it's not the dying part that's important.. it's the living. it's the things you do between the being born and the dying that changes absolutely everything. it's what you do and how you do it. sometimes it's not the good things that define you, sometimes it's not the bad things that define you either. sometimes you have to define yourself by how you accept and love yourself despite the good things and the bad things. i'm going to be 33. i'm not proud or happy about everything i've done... i'm not sad or disappointed in everything i've done. lately the list of pros and cons is equal. i've accepted that others have lists of pros and cons that look similar. people are not a snapshot of one moment. they are a sum total of all the parts.
i don't know what that means really... no matter how long i stare at the screen and think about it... it's hard to really grasp. it's really hard to not let myself use the old phrases and definitions... to judge myself with startling harshness just to feel the sting and know that no matter what anyone else says about me that i've already been harder on myself than they could ever be. it's hard to say something nice to myself and feel okay with it. perhaps though it's somewhere in between the two.
perhaps i can allow those things to fade into the background and only make a judgement about today and right now... perhaps in this moment between being born, reborn, giving birth and whatever dying means i can just let this moment be the moment. let it just be right now... and just go my own way. perhaps in this moment i can accept that this life and my path are only my own. this is my collection of things - smoothed well worn happy memories and jagged sharp painful memories.... it's all mine and if i spend all my time in the past i'm not making any new memories. i'm wasting this moment... and my hope is that i'm adding things to the good memory list... like buying cupcake tights to make a little girl happy with the way she looks today and always being able to look back and see her happy face, having a good conversation last night with a dave who got to eat free tacos and remembering that friendship is solidified and cemented through lots of things... even if i am an international fugitive now, like reading cody's email and remembering the summer that held vanilla sky. these things are my landscape this morning. the rest of it... well it's in the trash bin with my old coffee maker that makes you actually push a button to make coffee.
sometimes you have to still be willing... regardless of what that means... and i'm choosing to be willing to live the life i want. i'd rather be in the business of realizing the happiness with each day is set on "auto" and is waiting for me each morning. i don't even have to do anything... i can just wake and enjoy. which sounds awful chipper doesn't it? ...it must be the pre-made coffee...
this song is the theme... but you might not "get it" until the end of the blog... and for some of you not even then... just kidding dave...
linda ronstadt - willing
so i help a certain someone put on her new cupcake tights for school - fucking cupcake tights... seriously it's sooo cute... who wouldn't love wearing cupcake tights to school? i mean everyone should maybe wear a pair of cupcake tights just to feel a little pretty and fancy...
anyway so i come downstairs and think about going back to bed after she is safely at school and then i see the best thing that has happened to me in forever... my coffee is already made!!!!! i finally got one of those coffee makers that has a timer and it's the best $20 i ever spent... i cannot stress enough how great it makes your morning to just have that one thing done... to just pour your coffee instead of sleep walking around the kitchen and then impatiently waiting for it to brew just thinking the whole time about how much it sucks to be awake and how if you didn't have to make your stupid coffee you would be 2 things: 1. not addicted to caffeine and 2. still in bed.
so as i'm sitting down with my first cup o coffee for the day i see the following in an email from cody...
HearVox News Audio, art, & cultcha blog
By JW 2009.02.08 tags: travel, travel tips.
Travel Tips
Contributions to a growing list:
#136 Sandals are not the best thing to wear for hiking through a tropical forest to grassy, steep ocean cliffs after two days of heavy rain—no matter how much they look like ones Jesus would have worn.
#34 Those most interested in history are those about to become it. Try to take an interest no matter your age.
#156 If you hear “The Gambler” playing, run. Run away. Something is horribly wrong, will be, or ought to be.
you can find the full text here: http://hearingvoices.com/news/2009/02/more-travel-tips/
which just makes me laugh and laugh...
then i remember about the eels... and i remember this thought... this line from another blog (also pointed out by cody) and how it just made me think for awhile...
""i was thinkin' bout how everyone is dying, and maybe it's time to live" in "p.s. you rock my world"). it's a stunning conclusion to this intensely personal, unforgettably emotional story"
you can find the full text here: http://sand-is-overrated.blogspot.com/2008/02/you-think-i-got-it-all-going-my-way.html
ps. the tag line on that blog is: sand is overrated. it's just tiny little rocks. which is hilarious in itself.
and then i get to sit with my third cup of coffee and think about the fact that it's not the dying part that's important.. it's the living. it's the things you do between the being born and the dying that changes absolutely everything. it's what you do and how you do it. sometimes it's not the good things that define you, sometimes it's not the bad things that define you either. sometimes you have to define yourself by how you accept and love yourself despite the good things and the bad things. i'm going to be 33. i'm not proud or happy about everything i've done... i'm not sad or disappointed in everything i've done. lately the list of pros and cons is equal. i've accepted that others have lists of pros and cons that look similar. people are not a snapshot of one moment. they are a sum total of all the parts.
i don't know what that means really... no matter how long i stare at the screen and think about it... it's hard to really grasp. it's really hard to not let myself use the old phrases and definitions... to judge myself with startling harshness just to feel the sting and know that no matter what anyone else says about me that i've already been harder on myself than they could ever be. it's hard to say something nice to myself and feel okay with it. perhaps though it's somewhere in between the two.
perhaps i can allow those things to fade into the background and only make a judgement about today and right now... perhaps in this moment between being born, reborn, giving birth and whatever dying means i can just let this moment be the moment. let it just be right now... and just go my own way. perhaps in this moment i can accept that this life and my path are only my own. this is my collection of things - smoothed well worn happy memories and jagged sharp painful memories.... it's all mine and if i spend all my time in the past i'm not making any new memories. i'm wasting this moment... and my hope is that i'm adding things to the good memory list... like buying cupcake tights to make a little girl happy with the way she looks today and always being able to look back and see her happy face, having a good conversation last night with a dave who got to eat free tacos and remembering that friendship is solidified and cemented through lots of things... even if i am an international fugitive now, like reading cody's email and remembering the summer that held vanilla sky. these things are my landscape this morning. the rest of it... well it's in the trash bin with my old coffee maker that makes you actually push a button to make coffee.
sometimes you have to still be willing... regardless of what that means... and i'm choosing to be willing to live the life i want. i'd rather be in the business of realizing the happiness with each day is set on "auto" and is waiting for me each morning. i don't even have to do anything... i can just wake and enjoy. which sounds awful chipper doesn't it? ...it must be the pre-made coffee...
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