it's nice...

break up lesson #63: when your ex-boyfriend calls your parents house in the middle of the night it makes him a jerk. it's still undecided what it says about you.

better tomorrow... it's wednesday. who doesn't like wednesday?

sometimes it's easy to forget...

sometimes it's easy to forget who is fighting the good fight and who (or whom?) is fighting simply for their own gain. things aren't so simple when you're a grown up. i don't know why not. why don't simple paradigms like cowboys and indians or robbers and cops just stay simple? before you know it you realize that the cowboys ruined a civilization and not all cops are better than the robbers that they fight. it's confusing and sometimes it leaves me feeling bewildered and wondering if there is indeed an instruction manual. if there is what would you call it? would you call it the Bible? the Koran? the teachings of Buddha? would you call it the forest and the simple pillars of nature? would you eschew all those teachings and say man makes his own instructions? somewhere inside all of it is a explanation. and sometimes that explanation glorifies your life - like the day i had yesterday. and sometimes that explanation brings the understanding of what is true on it's metaphorical ear - which is good because it turns out i have a fucking hard time hearing when i'm being stubborn.

perhaps it's possible that when a friend speaks truth to you and it hurts your heart it's a truth you need to hear. perhaps it's possible that in refusing to continue certain old patterns and interactions there are friends that are teaching the most valuable lesson of all. it's those truths i need to hear and i need to speak. i should be that brave. it's those things i need to reflect on - not the words or the emotion but the weight and the importance of the interaction. because when i don't hear properly... when i don't fucking get the message i get all soft and try to be forgiving which seems to mean forgetful about what we're doing here. and then i get phone calls like the one i did today - inviting me to key west. talking about how i'm weak or scared for not going... even though it's an idea that i wouldn't EVER entertain. a person on the other end of a phone that doesn't understand that all i can give at this point is a respectful distance and a resolute promise... to no longer "do my best" and stay within myself and remember where i've been.

it's been a year - and in that year i've learned everything about myself. i've learned about who and what i am. i've learned so many good things. the good days are really good. the bad days are few and far between and definitely managable. i've learned what i'm made of. i've learned who my friends are and i've learned how to remember every day what i'm capable of - for good and for bad. and most importantly i've learned that friends don't ask friends to go to key west, they don't ask them to descend into the canyon of crazy on a whim... and if they do... with friends like that who needs tequila?

guilty pleasures #2

while we're here and i'm admitting scary things... i think it's only fair that i should admit to like these as well...

i'm so 3008, you're so 2000 and late...
the black eyed peas - boom boom pow


lady gaga - poker face


and this one... that i'm still sitting the fence about whether it's okay to like or not... it's so... so... oh it's so good. but it's so bad. it's the ringtone when my roommate calls me and i'm always 1/2 worried that someone will hear it but secretly want it to play longer. ugh. i'm such a mess.

zac brown band - chicken fried

guilty pleasures

okay... so there are embarrassing things to admit and this is one of them. i'm a fairly well established music snob, i'm intelligent and well read. i'm a kick ass mom, a great friend and a pretty good daughter /sister. i worked in the music industry, volunteered two years for americorps. i like to think i'm well rounded and pretty damn cool.

however, i have a 7 year old who (despite my best efforts) likes hannah montana. every once in awhile in the car i'll indulge her little ears from obscure rock and roll or new bands to something she wants to listen to.

and i'm ashamed to admit... i'm always secretly happy when these two songs come on...





seriously... i don't know what's wrong with me. i even sing along and do a car dance... ugh. man. i need to get some sleep so i don't blog these things.

shoulda coulda woulda

should be studying for physics... energy and force and acceleration and whatnot but i just can't seem to muster up the energy to accelerate my ass in that direction... it feels.. well like i'm being forced. come'on you know i'm clever... that's funny right?... i totally know. i'm funny.

and apparently give good sound bites. that's at least what an ignorant asshole wrote me the other day when i told him to go peddle crazy somewhere else.... then he rambled on with incoherent shit for another two paragraphs or so. i'd probably remember it but it was ridiculous and chock full of crazy. now, i know i'm supposed to be able to be above that sort of negativity. trust me. that was the positive version of what i wanted to say... i guess sometimes you just have to call a duck a duck.

luckily i am able to focus on physics, my friends and the good things in my life. it makes me thankful that i have time and space between myself and self deluded lying drug addicts who manipulate every situation to be about themselves.

nick rallis and these united states save the day

my ip0d is sorely not me anymore. i hate it when that happens... when suddenly everything you listen to seems to just fit another person or another life. when all the songs remind you of how things used to be like something else or of someone else. suddenly it seems that you have outgrown yourself and you spend a few days wondering what you're going to listen to instead. in truth there is a whole lot of soul searching right before that point but the ip0d is where it's noticed... as if everything was fine until you just can't stand the music you used to love.

i have been on a quest for new things and new ideas... i've been combing hypem.com and every music blog i can find... it's tough going though... not everything is made for loving.

here are some things i have found...
Drag the River - Jeff Black Song

i fell in love with these united states again... specifically the song so high so low so wide so long...
i mean for real... i have a heart pounding sugar coated love thing for them.. like how i feel about mango ice cream. i don't even like ice cream... and yet i love it. i digress...



and if that's not enough to make your heart pitter patter and your face light up at the sheer genius then go here and watch them in the secret garden video:
Hoovesontheturf.com

the music search is probably temporary but while i'm in the throes of missing good tunes feel free to make your suggestions... i'm gettin' desperate here. which i suppose is indicative of more crucial things...

i guess it's something about getting your heart broken... i mean really broken. the kind of heart break that leaves you feeling sort of empty and wondering when it's not going to seem dark. the kind of heart break that only comes from realizing a friend that has been in your life for years has become the worst version of themselves. sometimes addiction and heartache break people and those people just can't honor the good things in their lives. they become thieves and liars. and initially i thought i could forgive it. forgive the theft and the lies. but i cannot. and i don't know what has me so in a funk... i guess simply the loss of the friendship. just in case you've been reading along these past few weeks and wonder what i'm on about lately... i've had to face that a friend is so addicted to their negative vices that he is not able to be anything but a liar. and it has broken my heart.

not like "that"... i have a boyfriend. i always have. we have been on again and off again for years. he's a really good boy. the best kind. he allows me to fall in love with bands and to have my own life - blogging and talking about all these obscure things, to raise my child, to be the person i want to be, to make mistakes, to succeed, to have male friends that break my heart. he supports me and sends me sweet text messages first thing in the morning. he writes me poetry, sings to me (well, he would if i asked him to and does spontaneously sometimes) and if i let him he would even make me banana pancakes. it's so strange that being loved by my best friends, my lover and my family doesn't change how crappy i feel about being betrayed. i suppose all i can continue to do is study for my calculus exam and then wrap myself up in my covers and listen to nick rallis. up loud.

loud enough that it doesn't matter that i found out last what everyone else seemed to know... drug addicts and alcoholics that don't want recovery cannot be saved no matter how much you love them. and while they are stubbornly un-recovered they are ticking time bombs waiting to go off and then lie to everyone to avoid taking responsibility. jameson anyone?

yesterday

my friend ryan were walking from one place to another on campus. we pass the "commons" and there are like 6 girls / women up on stage with microphones and loud speakers. i hear one girl say "thongs are the worst" over her microphone and i look at ryan.
me: what the hell is that?
ryan: you didn't hear they're doing the vagina monologues on campus today?
me: jesus.
chick over loudspeaker: if my vagina could talk it would say...

then the doors to the library close behind us
me: if that chick's vagina could talk it would say "shut up! you're embarrassing me."

i'm not ready to make nice....

dixie chicks... not ready to make nice


i realize that i have asked for forgiveness from people and i have been fortunate enough that i have always received it... for the most part and usually in a way that is constructive and helpful for continuing my life.

i've thought a lot over the past few days about what forgiveness means and what it should be about...

–verb (used with object)

1.	to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.

2.	to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.).

3.	to grant pardon to (a person).

4.	to cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one's enemies.

5.	to cancel an indebtedness or liability of: to forgive the interest owed on a loan.

–verb (used without object)

6.	to pardon an offense or an offender.

"in general, forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentments and thoughts of revenge. Forgiveness is the act of untying yourself from thoughts and feelings that bind you to the offense committed against you. This can reduce the power these feelings otherwise have over you, so that you can a live freer and happier life in the present. Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you. Forgiving isn't the same as forgetting what happened to you. The act that hurt or offended you may always remain a part of your life. But forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help you focus on other, positive parts of your life. Forgiveness also doesn't mean that you deny the other person's responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn't minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act."

and i believe that forgiveness itself is important and should be offered to anyone who is willing to say they are sorry and earnestly request it. i really believe that. no matter what the offense is or how it seems to be difficult. forgiving is part of being the person i want to be.

and so i offer you this... the specific you, not the royal you, who is asking for forgiveness and called me tonight to tell me about how you think about me and how you feel... i forgive you. not for you but for me. there is no ill-will from my side of the continental united states.

however i'm not ready to make nice. i'm not ready to talk about it or hear about how you are doing or what is going on with you. i'm just not. i wish i was and that i could just wave a magic wand and make this divide between us disappear.... but i can't. there isn't that kind of magic in the world and to be honest i'm not sure that is the best thing for me. i'm still trying to process and understand what has happened and why.

i'm still trying to get my head around how you thought this was my fault. i'm still trying to put it in perspective and be able to understand what all this means in the scope of the here and now. i haven't even begun to look at what it means in the future.

and god does it sting. it all sucks. i'm not happy about our current state either. this is the last thing i wanted but avoiding is only going to cause that false premise in the future and more issues for us to dissect and worry about in years to come. additionally i'm hoping that you might take this time to understand your part in all of this.

so i can say that for now radio silence is in effect... until further notice. i don't know when that notice will be or what needs to happen before then. you'll be the second person to know when i'm ready to talk to you... i'll of course be the first. in the meantime let's not do the thing where you call me to talk about it. i know for sure or fo' sho' as the kids say that it doesn't feel good.

i wish you well on your journey. take care of yourself. take care of what you need to take care of. i'll be doing the same here.... and working in earnest to be at peace with all that our story has become.

isn't it just simply...

isn't it just simply amazing that we can bend and move and change and withstand many things and then the simplest things... the small breeches in the barrier of trust seem as if they are going to be the things that break our hearts completely?

go here to hear what i'm listening to:

only love can break your heart
go your own way

(thanks to cover lay down for the soundtrack)

i realized today that two things are true:
1. getting your feelings hurt, trust broken, losing friendship... all those things hurt and initially it stings so much that it feels like there is no bridging the gap in what is "past" or before and what is "future" or after.
2. those things are actually good. once you pick yourself up from what gravity has done and started to assess the damages to your system... you realize that the hurt means you are breathing, interacting, and being vulnerable.

vulnerable is good. growing is good. sometimes even pain is good.

the perspective that comes from vulnerability, growth and pain is even better. not just as good as... it's better. teaching ourselves about life and the life we want by being open to life is difficult but it's what gets us to where we want to go.

thanks for taking this part of the journey with me... for teaching me perspective through pain. i'm still angry and still don't want to be open to learning this lesson again... but at least i can be grateful and happy that i've learned it. good things came of it... i learned to say no and i learned to have a conflict in which i stood up for myself. funny how the worst can bring out the best in people.

a commentary... not about you... just about that guy

the bouncing souls - true believer

Hypocrisy (or the state of being a hypocrite) is the act of preaching a certain belief, religion or way of life, but not, in fact, holding these same virtues oneself. Hypocrisy is frequently invoked as an accusation in many contexts.

For linguist and social analyst Noam Chomsky, hypocrisy, defined as the refusal to "...apply to ourselves the same standards we apply to others"^[1][2] is one of the central evils of our society--promoting injustices such as war^[3][4] and social inequalities in a framework of self-deception, which includes the notion that hypocrisy itself is a necessary or beneficial part of human behavior and society.^{[5] [6]}

In other languages, including French, a hypocrite is one who hides his intentions and true personality. This definition is different from that of the English language.

i think that's enough about that.... don't you?

'member 'bout that?

'member 'bout that line in that blue october song... the hate me song... that says "Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home"... 'member 'bout how when we found it that was so profound... of being in those dark places long enough that visual ugliness seemed like a better place to be.

if you're new here and you don't 'member 'bout that you can go here and listen to it:
hate me - blue october

'member 'bout how we talked about how no matter what happened we would always be friends and 'bout how that's what it means to be friends? yeah, and sometimes i wish you were here to see these other things and hear these other things and see what people are really like sometimes. i wish we could walk down to the beach and we could talk about simplicity and cycles and take a drive and see the lighthouse lady... and talk about chuck palahniuk because i just read his book diary. you know it says in there... "if you don't understand something you can make it mean anything" and know what? he's totally right.

so here is my postcard to you... that i would throw off the space needle in the pitch black of a cold windy evening:
"i trust people and sometimes they let me down. sometimes i take that personally. i'm smarter than that though. it's not personal. i'm still a good person just for the sake of it. i'm not judging i'm just saying that people sometimes are sausage heads. and really... do i look worried?"

alligators and coldplay

have you ever given up? what did it feel like? what did it look like? were you listening to this song as you did it? Coldplay - Viva la Vida




did you sit on the porch and spill your heart and it's contents before your roommate and God in an attempt to fight the good fight and grasp aloud what was right behind your eyes and wandering aimlessly in your heart. did you find the moment that you came to great clarity with thunderous understanding and perfection that the person that you believed was fighting right along side of you was actually an adversary?

did you hear your roommate say "i know how to call an alligator back" just as the frustration level reached it's peak and you were pretending to make the hissing noise that alligators make to say that they are all set?

did you know at that moment why alligators eat people? i do.

i give up today. not in a poor me way. not in a i can't do this way. i give up because i deserve better. i deserve to know that when i roll the dice and go all in that what i'm gambling on is more than an alligator's temperment or fake plastic chips. i want to know that when i look back on this moment it's not that i chose my path based on maybes... i chose it because it is my Spiritual north and i know in every piece of my being that there simply is no other choice. i want to know that when i get through with the good fight and i've bared my soul to those that stand still and listen long enough to hear it that any scars or cuts that are visible are ones that were not self inflicted and weren't inflicted by an enemy... that those are the scars and cuts that i had to get as a matter of course to get here.

did you know you always get what you ask for... we always get what we ask for no matter what. at that moment... after everything had transpired did you suddenly feel free and completely comfortable in your own skin for the first time in years. maybe you don't have to go anywhere to get to home... maybe home is in your heart and you get there by coming back to yourself with such force that you are ready to stand alone to defend it.

either way... tonight as i listen to coldplay and think about myself i know that this is the perfect place in the perfect moment with everything right where it should be and i find comfort in it... i find satisfaction and happiness.... and that feels like i'm winning the fight.... the good one.

the physics of meaning

the physics of meaning it's a band with a great song called aeroplanes and hurricanes... not my favorite like These United States over and over again but it's metaphorical and you know i'm a girl that likes the comfort of things being metaphorical and literal all at the same time. it gives me a strange contented feeling like running my tongue over the same spot on my cheek that i accidentally bit into. to understand that things are working on every plane and every platform and every level. when i find things come together in the perfect symbiosis that is a healthy life experiment i am always elated. excited like i feel when i have deja vu and when i finally see clearly what was right in front of me the whole time.

so anyway, the physics of meaning. what things mean and what is said and implied and how things are interpreted and what expectations are built and how fragile they all are when piled end to end in a tower like form. what that means and how gravity, motion, kinetic and potential energy all apply to tower building and misunderstandings that happen by default because we are imperfect and flawed beings. like building a tower to babel those things - the communications that are missed and the laws of the universe that we have created between us - eventually those come clanging down because the language is no longer understood amongst all the communicators.

i'm not sure how to avoid these things. i try time and time again to communicate just as clearly and honestly as i can but i find more often than not that either i fail or i seem to have misplaced my stupid decoder ring. i wish that i could somehow... just somehow see how delicate things are... when the message i'm getting is that they are perfectly stable. perhaps i'm just one of those people who is too direct, too straight forward or too logical. i, horror of all horrors, take things literally when people tell me what they want, think or feel. i like to overthink and be impulsive and i've found that it just doesn't work because i'm not a mind reader and truth be known i'm just not that smart. so i've worked hard to let people be what they are, accept what they are giving, wait until the message changes before i jump to conclusions. i thought that was all good stuff... being redemptive or neutral instead of reactive. however... every once in a while i realize about 10 hours too late that i've missed the secret message written in invisible ink and i am left with the pieces of the tower that i didn't even build.

so from now on... if you're looking for a place to dump your expectations, judgment, secret messages, implications and unspoken ideas... you need to do it on your side of the street. those things aren't mine. and it hurts my feelings to know that even when you promise that we're on the same page and i trust you that it could change at a moment's notice. i'm simply not ready for those if, ands, or buts. we have built something so strong and wonderful. i'm surprised that it could be blown over by something that seemed to be so within our realm of what we could together deal with. that uncertainty and that doubt and fear is not about being... that's about doing and i'm definitely not allowed to do that.

also want to say on a dorky side note that today i finally understood arrhenius equation and can solve for the variables and even use the integrated equation. i was proud and kinda nervous.... sometimes success is as scary as failure. i did find it coincidental that the things in the equation seem to apply to my personal situation today. if you'll indulge me (which you will because it's my blog) i'll show you what i found kind of amazing...
the equation is as follows:
k = Ae ^Ea/Rt
where k is the rate constant
A is the frequency factor
Ea is the activation energy
R is a given constant (8.314 J/mol)
and t is the temperature.

so.... now you apply it to life
k is the rate at which interactions take place
A is the frequency at which they successfully occur
Ea is the effort required to make the interaction positive and fruitful
R is the constant or the basis - your personal values, morals and ideals that offer common ground
t is still the temperature but we can use the scale of "cold" to "hot" for "dislike" to "love"

i promise if you start plugging in numbers from your personal life you will find that it works.... because chemistry is not subjective and it is not about decoder rings. it is all about clean science that is logical and perfect and if i could i would only live in that world... because well.... it makes so much sense.

the title of my life right now.... and a new tattoo

Corinne Bailey Rae - Steady As She Goes

it's an alright day when you can give your life a title while deciding what your next tattoo will be... that's pretty much the highlight of the day... and the last 7 days for that matter. and let me tell you saying "things pretty much can't get worse" is just about the stupidest thing a person could say... if stupidest was a word (which it might be unlike stupider... which still makes a great political campaign slogan "Everyone is stupider than me") and a person was so inclined to say something more stupid than the statement that comes right before that which is "i think this might be manageable".

what a person should say is... thank you dave kwant for always being the man with the love and the balls to "do" EPIC it's boys like you that make girls like me happy.... i have given more than enough warning that i will be making a fall appearance in ct which means take the weekend off of work, buy some jameson and start stealing firewood.... and last but not least "do i look worried?" and if i do by some odd chance don't worry... steady as she goes.

the mulligan

from wikipedia: A mulligan, in a game, happens when a player gets a second chance to perform a certain move or action. The term has found a broader acceptance in both general speech and other games, meaning any minor blunder which is allowed to pass unnoticed or without consequence. In both senses, it is implied that a mulligan is forgiven because it was either made by a rank beginner, or it is unusual and not indicative of the level of play or conduct expected of the person who made the mulligan. The word can also be used in instances outside of sports, in real-life situations. For example, it has been used commonly in relationships where a person messes up the relationship the first time around, then regrets the screw up, and wishes for a mulligan having realized how ridiculous the initial action was.

now... the important thing here is that life doesn't give many mulligans. it's just not the same as being forgiving. it relies heavily on the understanding that whatever happened was "unusual and not indicative of the level...(of)... conduct expected of the person". now in my life i am willing to be forgiving and to forgive and forget. that blanket forgiveness presupposes a few important things:

1. the person isn't simply an ass
2. the person has a redeeming quality beyond being an ass if they happen to be
3. that growth, change, respect, honour and integrity are possible in the relationship
4. that the person understands the value of the opportunity they have been given

based upon this little diatribe and this logical example i am choosing that in this game... the game we refer to as my life... that right now we're handing out mulligans. we simply aren't.

sorry. i know that's hard to hear, understand and accept. i understand the difficulty that comes from being asked to stand by actions and words that were thrown around without much thought. tough luck. this is what it has come down to. this is where we've gotten.

and i haven't arrived here in anger, fear or frustration. i've arrived here in honesty and self respect. i've decided what it is that i'm capable of putting up with and what i'm not. from where i sit right now the simple truth of the matter is that acting out like a child and then requesting a "do over" or a mulligan simply doesn't work. i don't have the energy and i don't have the patience or the understanding. i don't have the time or the mental capacity.

i know that this may come as a big shock... i know it may be uncomfortable and for that i am truly sorry. i feel badly. i really do. maybe after i've recovered from the blow of the irresponsible actions and the false things that were said about me i'll be able to let it go. right now i'm not able. i don't really know what else to say. except that attempts to provoke a reaction from me like the idiotic one today are laughable. i seriously laughed. if that's what is going to happen because i won't give you what you want - that you act like a petulant child then i think my decision is a great one. you're just giving me validation and affirmation and i thank you for challenging me enough to stand up for myself and stop being such a damn push over.

learning isn't easy. i don't ever expect that i'm going to be perfect. all i'm hoping for is that every night between now and my last one i am able to sleep as soundly as i will tonight. that perfect sleep that only comes with a clear conscience and a heart beating softly in the chest cavity to the rhythm of self respect.

clarifications, intentions and allegory

grace potter and the nocturnals - apologies



i find in life that i am often confused about what people's intentions and what the social ramifications are of asking someone point blank: what is it that you intended with that statement / action / attitude?

i'm not being difficult i really don't understand what people are trying to communicate to me. i find that often times my experience is that people seem to have a very bizarre way of making their feelings / wants / thoughts known. they seem to allude to things, be very passive aggressive and say things like "if you want to" when they really mean that THEY want to. they seem to suggest and hint and avoid articulation of anything having to do with logic or clearly expressing what is really going on.

as a result of this they seem to infringe upon my boundaries and my go way beyond my personal comfort level. i'm not saying i'm right, i'm simply saying that in this little square of the world it's the way shit goes down and if i don't get it or i'm uncomfortable or on edge i'm not the best version of myself... in fact i can be down right cranky.

there are a couple of things that are myths about me: that i'm difficult, that i'm outgoing, that i'm purposely didactic about scenarios, feelings and situations. it turns out that 95% of the time i am easy going and easy to get along with - in fact i have very few opinions about day to day things. i do have a list of things that i don't like - people taking liberties with my boundaries, people pushing / bullying / manipulating me, people not listening to what i'm communicating and there is one thing i hate more than anything - being invalidated purposely... you the oh so nice reader might wonder here what i'm talking about so i'm going to break it down to a more basic level.... if you say things like "it's not a big deal" / "don't worry about it" / "don't overthink it" / "i don't think that it a big deal" / "i don't think it's like that" when i've expressed that it's important to me or beyond my comfort level or that something is making me angry. yes, those innocuous phrases that people throw around like bad beer commercial quotes... yes, those simple phrases that are meant to lighten things up or avoid the point. they are invalidating and hurtful and upsetting and leave me feeling like i can't relate. often i find that my frustration at being invalid, hurt and isolated is anger. i don't like to feel angry. i don't like any of it. i don't even want to be a part of it.

now the second part of this which is that i'm not great at conflict. in the heat of the moment i have two conflict styles: avoidance and anger. if i'm given time to process the information isolate the source of my discomfort and figure out the logical solution i can communicate quite well. in fact given that opportunity i'm a damn good communicator. so i know that this is also inconvenient... i know that in this world of instant gratification, reality television and online shopping it seems that i could maybe move into the new millenium and speed things up but i'll be honest... when it comes to conflict i'm back in approximately 1826. yeah, i know it's fucked up. i have conflict resolution skills circa 1826 ... maybe 1835 on a good day. and the even more important thing is that it's not about the other person. it's about my own shit. and yeah, i'm working on it. and yeah, it's easy to analyze and talk about here but i only get a chance to practice when i'm in conflict and i find that it's not the best time to experiment with outcomes. further more... it's probably a good time to admit that these are the secondary skills cuz the first ones were ones that i had before $15000 in therapy.

moreover, i think it's important for everyone to understand that i'm not doing that because i like to be difficult in that way - it's a personality defect. i realize that it's a lot to ask for.... that small courtesy... to not be inconsiderate, to validate other people and to understand that sometimes i need a minute. do i expect that eventually it will get to a point where these things aren't true? abso-fucking-lutely. but in the meantime try to work with me people... geez...

something you might not know about me...

something you might not know about me is that i have a temper. i rarely lose it and i try to never let it get the best of me even when i'm past the point of being patient or understanding. not a lot of people know this about me because usually i'm the one that can see all sides and understands everyone's point of view... even when that point of view is contrary to mine or it includes people not being a big fan of me or my actions. i mean the world takes all kinds.... and i am grateful for the opportunity to learn from all situations. only through the eyes of an enemy can you see the best and the worst version of yourself. i thank the people in my life that choose to be enemies for the chance to practice forgiveness and patience. i use it to practice being mindful about my words, behavior and the type of situations that i get myself into.

moreover, i usually refrain from defending myself or justifying my actions. i've learned after trying time and time again that there is no reason for defense or justification. if i've done something wrong i'll apologize and ask how to make it right. if i've done the right thing based on what i know in my core to be true and right then i will not defend it - think what you will and judge me how you will. i only have myself and the universe to be right with and i am at peace with both.

so the only thing i can say AT THIS POINT to the person of late who is really challenging my peaceful existence and policy of loving even your enemy is:

FUCKING EVOLVE ALREADY. GROW UP AND LET IT GO. THIS FALLS UNDER THE HEADING OF THE TRIFECTA: WORK, CRAZY OR STUPID AND WE'RE ALL FULL UP ON THAT SHIT HERE. JUST FUCKING EVOLVE. PLEASE! BECAUSE YOU ARE TRYING MY PATIENCE, MY FORGIVENESS AND MY LOVE.... AND IF WE'RE ALL BEING HONEST I DON'T WANT TO SPEND ANY MORE TIME ON IT. I WANT TO LIVE MY NICE LIFE WITHOUT WORRYING ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT OTHER PEOPLE GET IT.

and yes i feel much better now. much better thanks. and yes i know the internet is just a bunch of 1s and 0s anyway so who gives a shit really. even more importantly... i'm totally above this.... i'm literally and metaphorically above it.

clarification...

i rarely go back and explain myself... i rarely think i need to. i kinda figure that if people don't get it then they just don't get it and i'll be honest... i may be a little too okay with that. perhaps that's elitist or whatever... i don't mean it to be that way i'm just that far into what i'm saying... it is after all my blog and my wavelength and my life. for better or worse it's all mine.

but tonight when i checked my email i got a note that said my last blog sounded angry - no not the one about being sick but the one about chicken noodle soup for the crotch.... and so i'd like to spend a moment or two to extrapolate.

angry? no. it's contemplative and despite what it appears written in prose - i was actually quite proud of that, the rhyme and rhythym and rise and fall, it has a pattern of lines and of words and if i took the time to break it out as it should be viewed or as it formed in my head that might be more apparent. if you look around you might find that a lot of my writing has hidden little allusions to poetry in them. i also loved that it starts and ends with the same thought process. it's stream of consciousness writing about the struggle and conflict that comes with the dichotomy of loving someone and disliking them in the same moment. it's about regret born of choices before i was aware enough of myself to know about choices and regrets - because everything up until then had sort of happened to me... i had never happened to anyone or anything. it's about the grey area that hearts and minds and personalities get into when there are no black / white / lines delineated before us. it's about offering an olive branch of open communication using the last known method of viable communication tactics. it's about putting everything out there in the universe - the good, the bad and the emotionally raw in the earnest hope that somehow once everyone is on the same page that something positive can come from it.

so in response.... angry? no....

trust me. you'll know when i'm angry.

let's put our cards on the table

let's take care of this first:


"i'm sinking to the bottom of my everything that freaks me out" - blue october

there are somethings that have been on my mind for awhile that i'd like to put on the table so to speak.... i think just getting it off my chest will make a huge difference... despite what you have been told about your internet experience.. the internet works both ways. i am fully capable of tracking blog views. mostly i am happy to know that people are enjoying what i've written and that they are visiting regularly. but there are a few people that check it regularly that leaves me with a weird feeling... it almost seems as if it's being checked to see if i'm posting things that could be used against me... like to answer certain questions about me and what i do in my life. so i've made an executive decision to give you the information you are looking for... i feel it's only fair to reward such constant attention.
1. i don't do drugs... unless tylenol, benadryl and vitamin b12 are considered drugs
2. i don't really drink... and when i do my child isn't under my supervision
3. i don't sleep around... in fact it's been a really long time since i've had sex and even longer since it was enjoyable
4. i'm not dating... and not because of some pining away for a person but because after my horrendous experience this summer in alaska i decided i'm not allowed to date anyone for a long long time
5. i'm not ever going to post things on my blog that will give you inside track information about my life... it's just my rambling thoughts, opinions, music i like and occasionally a movie clip
6. i have no opinion about your life and i stay away from commenting about it because quite frankly you are inconsequential to me
7. although i love the views and hope you just like reading my stuff i wish you'd figure out that you only need to check my blog once a day and if you save the link to this little homepage (right up top after http://www... in fact you can just bookmark it right now) you can stop searching for me in google... my google stats are through the roof and i appreciate that but geez... twice a day through a search engine? get a life.
8. the last time we saw each other (well talked on the phone) i just said "see ya" and i meant it in sort of a i didn't want you to feel bad about the fact that you were an absolute sausage head (thats a codyism) for 4 months and i had really become grateful that we weren't going to see each other again... but i didn't mean it literally in a you're going to stalk me online sort of way... perhaps it was unclear... but i hope we're on the same page with all our cards on the table.

i assume my stats will drop significantly after this post since i'm guaranteed about 57 clicks a month from you... but that's a risk i'm willing to take.

i feel much better.

totally better.

ayn rand helps when i'm feeling bitter or existential....

in this exact order are four of my favourite short ayn rand quotes.... they can be read almost as one sentence although each one is so powerful on it's own....

A building has integrity just like a man. And just as seldom.

Achievement of your happiness is the only moral purpose of your life, and that happiness, not pain or mindless self-indulgence, is the proof of your moral integrity, since it is the proof and the result of your loyalty to the achievement of your values.

Contradictions do not exist. Whenever you think you are facing a contradiction, check your premises. You will find that one of them is wrong.

I swear, by my life and my love of it, that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine.