okay the morning playlist is going out the window in light of a new development... i fucking love the band 'the ballet'. it's serious. and big tall jay (formerly of the mfj psuedonym) loves them too... and he's seriously a giant and has a huge mother so that's a lot of love.
i've listened to their track like six times
awesomely sweet track - in my head
then i looked at their myspace page again
sissypopband - that's what THEY said not me!! and i LOVE it.
and read it all and looked through their stuff while streaming the audio there. then i watched this awesome video and coveted the guy's guitar strap and wanted to ask them all out to ice cream. and not just any ice cream but like 31 flavours and i would totally pay and we could hold hands - all of us - not in a weird uncomfortable palm to palm stiff 4 finger and separate thumb against 4 finger and separate thumb kinda way but in the comfortable loose fingers splayed and loosely knit together kind of way.
my advice to you is to listen to everything you can, watch the video, love them with me and then buy their album immediately... fucking immediately. it would be silly not to... just simply silly.
buy an amazing album here
29 October 2007
28 October 2007
emerson and moments
i didn't even drunk dial but then against all reason there was his voice on the line. the man that i would change everything for. the one that got... wait... perhaps went willingly, happily, with good reason... anyway he's gone. except for that voice across the miles. the lilt in his tone and the happiness at his new life unmasked in his trust and love of our new friendship. a friendship built on hope on my part that perhaps one day we'll be different. that difference will be that we are a solid unit. it's not a daily hope, a goal or a certainty it's an abstract idea like finding a first edition book signed by the author at a garage sale. like winning the lottery. i'm happy to leave it as a fantasy. i'm happy to leave it where it is but each time he calls or reappears there is that glimmer that flash of emotion and of regret. oh the regret. the urge to find a time machine and right those wrongs. the urge to erase what stands between us and what holds us from each other. the urge to beg him to discard his new found love and happiness for a bed of old times and fading memories with me. even i know that it's a ridiculous hope and so i cover it convincingly with a smile and mirrored joy at his happiness. i'm so good at it sometimes i even believe myself.
once we fell in love in connecticut during a cold winter that kept us moving from the side of a fire to blankets on the couch to glasses of jameson or wine to a bed where we found each other for the first time. we created hope and silly little jokes only we could understand and told each other secrets in the cold night that we hadn't revealed to most people. once we spent two days in new orleans. we made love in a hotel bed tangled in each other. laughing about private jokes and our secrets. once we spent a days in north carolina hiding from cool air and enjoying the fresh air of the balcony as it silently stood above the river. we had sex there in a more purposeful and needy way. we used the intimacy to cover what doubts and uncertainties we held between us. we laughed about the old private jokes and the secrets that were so long past they no longer held weight. once after we were finished i fished our love out of the dark green murky ocean in alaska on the back deck of a bar everyone loves. i touched where he had carved his name into a table and felt the curve of the letter press into my palm. i smiled about the private jokes and thought about the secrets that we had both gone on to share with others.
he says that he couldn't have found what he has without me. that our years together have given him a perspective and understanding of what he needs to be in order to honour another.
he quotes emerson to me...
" The greatest homage we can pay to truth is to use it." then he goes on to say that what i've given him in my patience and my love and my friendship is the chance to use that truth for love. he doesn't need to mention that the love... the one he's using my truth to build and nurture is with another girl... one is apparently perfect and nice and i'll "think she's great".... he doesn't need to. there are still things that we know about each other without saying them.
he used to read emerson aloud to me and then quote it to me when we were saying goodbye or goodnight. once when we first met and we were deciding what we would be to each other i bought him a book of writings by emerson on nature. i had no idea that he already had the same book and it was one of his most treasured possessions. he unwrapped it from it's brown paper cover and his face lit up. he smiled fully right into my heart and then set it down so gently that it seemed as if it were glass. we just sat so still for a few seconds both looking at the cover and then he said quietly... i think you might be the most amazing person i've ever met.
and now here we are. he probably quotes emerson to the new girl. great. just fucking great. he tells me how much he loves me. he tells me how much he is grateful and how over the next few weeks he may need me - just in case they have problems or issues can i please talk him off the ledge.... after all he thinks she may be the one. of course i say. i'm always here. i'll always answer the phone night or day and give you anything you want. ugh. really i say these things and tell him his happiness is my happiness. that if he loves her i will love her. part of it is true and part is lies because i'm too chicken shit to say what i really think. i don't know which part is which.
here is the thing about love lost... here is the thing about loving a distant shadow of someone. you cannot force them to still be the old loved version of themselves. you cannot force them to fully fit into what used to be anymore than you are what you used to be. you simply go forward without thinking because it's what people do. you quote emerson to others and you remember fondly. you treasure the lost moments but let them pass you like old correspondence blowing haphazardly down a highway.... you pass them at 70 and wonder who would dare leave something so precious where it could be destroyed.
the only thing i can say at the closing is fiona apple - paper bag is the song i'm listening to right now and this quote is the one i can't get out of my tired head.
" Nothing can bring you peace but yourself. Nothing can bring you peace but the triumph of principles." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
once we fell in love in connecticut during a cold winter that kept us moving from the side of a fire to blankets on the couch to glasses of jameson or wine to a bed where we found each other for the first time. we created hope and silly little jokes only we could understand and told each other secrets in the cold night that we hadn't revealed to most people. once we spent two days in new orleans. we made love in a hotel bed tangled in each other. laughing about private jokes and our secrets. once we spent a days in north carolina hiding from cool air and enjoying the fresh air of the balcony as it silently stood above the river. we had sex there in a more purposeful and needy way. we used the intimacy to cover what doubts and uncertainties we held between us. we laughed about the old private jokes and the secrets that were so long past they no longer held weight. once after we were finished i fished our love out of the dark green murky ocean in alaska on the back deck of a bar everyone loves. i touched where he had carved his name into a table and felt the curve of the letter press into my palm. i smiled about the private jokes and thought about the secrets that we had both gone on to share with others.
he says that he couldn't have found what he has without me. that our years together have given him a perspective and understanding of what he needs to be in order to honour another.
he quotes emerson to me...
" The greatest homage we can pay to truth is to use it." then he goes on to say that what i've given him in my patience and my love and my friendship is the chance to use that truth for love. he doesn't need to mention that the love... the one he's using my truth to build and nurture is with another girl... one is apparently perfect and nice and i'll "think she's great".... he doesn't need to. there are still things that we know about each other without saying them.
he used to read emerson aloud to me and then quote it to me when we were saying goodbye or goodnight. once when we first met and we were deciding what we would be to each other i bought him a book of writings by emerson on nature. i had no idea that he already had the same book and it was one of his most treasured possessions. he unwrapped it from it's brown paper cover and his face lit up. he smiled fully right into my heart and then set it down so gently that it seemed as if it were glass. we just sat so still for a few seconds both looking at the cover and then he said quietly... i think you might be the most amazing person i've ever met.
and now here we are. he probably quotes emerson to the new girl. great. just fucking great. he tells me how much he loves me. he tells me how much he is grateful and how over the next few weeks he may need me - just in case they have problems or issues can i please talk him off the ledge.... after all he thinks she may be the one. of course i say. i'm always here. i'll always answer the phone night or day and give you anything you want. ugh. really i say these things and tell him his happiness is my happiness. that if he loves her i will love her. part of it is true and part is lies because i'm too chicken shit to say what i really think. i don't know which part is which.
here is the thing about love lost... here is the thing about loving a distant shadow of someone. you cannot force them to still be the old loved version of themselves. you cannot force them to fully fit into what used to be anymore than you are what you used to be. you simply go forward without thinking because it's what people do. you quote emerson to others and you remember fondly. you treasure the lost moments but let them pass you like old correspondence blowing haphazardly down a highway.... you pass them at 70 and wonder who would dare leave something so precious where it could be destroyed.
the only thing i can say at the closing is fiona apple - paper bag is the song i'm listening to right now and this quote is the one i can't get out of my tired head.
" Nothing can bring you peace but yourself. Nothing can bring you peace but the triumph of principles." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
not mattering matters... a little bit at least
song in my head this morning: elliot smith - needle in the hay
this morning. on the morning after finding myself again. a lost version of myself i moved away from and then discarded as if it was an old coat. i look at myself. i see myself. i see what i truly am. all the old things rush up and sting my eyes and nose like tears but different. acceptance and relief at finding that even when i run away and work hard to become someone different there is that old face the old touchstones waiting here for me. waiting here in the morning. my coffee cooling beside me. my tattoos starting to look aged and faded. my dreams and hopes weights that alternately weigh me down and lift me up to see just far enough to take the next step. there is something nice in knowing friends, knowing people who have been in my life long enough to let me leave them and then circle back on myself to be accepted back into the warmth of love. there is something comforting in finding that after all this time i still have a place. sometimes i feel like a kaleidescope of versions of myself - fragments that laid out on the table would never make a pattern or beauty but reflected and sharp in a tunnel of self-knowledge is an amazing collage. it's beautiful and transient. i finally recognize that there are people in the world that know me and accept me without qualifiers and quantifiers. they do not push me to become something i am not. they know that i am simply me. flawed and imperfect but strong and brave. they trust that i will become and move forward but IF i didn't. if i never became anything but this version of myself they would welcome and accept me. what a gift. what a thing to find. the best thing about it is that it doesn't matter. it doesn't matter at all. because there is no competition to see who is the best, the most loved, the most put together or the most well-adjusted. there is just that kaleidescope and my vision and for this morning, for this great moment, that is enough. it's finally enough.
the morning playlist is below. it's a sunday morning tribute to connecticut and to a time of blackness that brought sparkling truths into view. gems discarded by others that we found while not worrying about what other people thought. there is power in that - not caring and not mattering enough to simply become what we were meant to become.
this morning. on the morning after finding myself again. a lost version of myself i moved away from and then discarded as if it was an old coat. i look at myself. i see myself. i see what i truly am. all the old things rush up and sting my eyes and nose like tears but different. acceptance and relief at finding that even when i run away and work hard to become someone different there is that old face the old touchstones waiting here for me. waiting here in the morning. my coffee cooling beside me. my tattoos starting to look aged and faded. my dreams and hopes weights that alternately weigh me down and lift me up to see just far enough to take the next step. there is something nice in knowing friends, knowing people who have been in my life long enough to let me leave them and then circle back on myself to be accepted back into the warmth of love. there is something comforting in finding that after all this time i still have a place. sometimes i feel like a kaleidescope of versions of myself - fragments that laid out on the table would never make a pattern or beauty but reflected and sharp in a tunnel of self-knowledge is an amazing collage. it's beautiful and transient. i finally recognize that there are people in the world that know me and accept me without qualifiers and quantifiers. they do not push me to become something i am not. they know that i am simply me. flawed and imperfect but strong and brave. they trust that i will become and move forward but IF i didn't. if i never became anything but this version of myself they would welcome and accept me. what a gift. what a thing to find. the best thing about it is that it doesn't matter. it doesn't matter at all. because there is no competition to see who is the best, the most loved, the most put together or the most well-adjusted. there is just that kaleidescope and my vision and for this morning, for this great moment, that is enough. it's finally enough.
the morning playlist is below. it's a sunday morning tribute to connecticut and to a time of blackness that brought sparkling truths into view. gems discarded by others that we found while not worrying about what other people thought. there is power in that - not caring and not mattering enough to simply become what we were meant to become.
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27 October 2007
morning playlist 10 - 27
song in my head this morning: opus 23 - dustin halloran
morning playlist is below but i have to add it's a special saturday edition dedicated to jason in alaska.... love him... i wish we were hanging out today... but this will just have to do for now...
morning playlist is below but i have to add it's a special saturday edition dedicated to jason in alaska.... love him... i wish we were hanging out today... but this will just have to do for now...
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26 October 2007
new music fridays
so at least once a week i weed through all sorts of music blogs and read up on all the gossip and listen to tons of new music. i realize this means that i should actually have better taste in music. i realize that i should know everything about all the new bands since i spend tons of time researching but here's a memo... i'm actually not perfect... i know it's a huge disappointment...
anyway. this is the best of what i've found this week. my three favourites if you will.
the owls - all those in favor
you can go check out the owls here at their website
young galaxy - come & see
you can find young galaxy on myspace... just click here
the ballet - in my head
read everything about them and have a little crush on them (i definitely do) just go here
anyway. this is the best of what i've found this week. my three favourites if you will.
the owls - all those in favor
you can go check out the owls here at their website
young galaxy - come & see
you can find young galaxy on myspace... just click here
the ballet - in my head
read everything about them and have a little crush on them (i definitely do) just go here
Henry Beston
"We need another and a wiser and perhaps a more mystical concept of animals. Remote from universal nature, and living by complicated artifice, man in civilization surveys the creatures through the glass of his knowledge and sees thereby a feather magnified and the whole image in distortion. We patronize them for their incompleteness, for their tragic fate of having taken form so far below ourselves. And therein we err, and greatly err. for the animal shall not be measured by man. In a world older and more complete than ours they move finished and complete, gifted with extensions of the senses we have lost or never attained, living by voices we shall never hear. They are not brethren; they are not underlings; they are other nations, caught with ourselves in the net of life and time, fellow prisoners of the splendour and travail of the earth."
Henry Beston - The Outermost House: A Year of Life on the Great Beach of Cape Cod
think about supporting the animal protection institute. think about how you are treating the earth and all of the creatures that share the planet with us.
as emma says "ya gotta respect the earth and love animals. ya just gotta." if a five year old gets it you should too.....
morning music 10/26
song in my head when i woke up this morning: things we do for love - 10cc
morning playlist is here:
just gonna say... and sometimes i'm a little slow so everyone else may have already started doing this.... in itunes just go to your main library and then search for a word... any word... i just did paper and then you have a playlist ready made with a theme... it's kind of awesome...
morning playlist is here:
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just gonna say... and sometimes i'm a little slow so everyone else may have already started doing this.... in itunes just go to your main library and then search for a word... any word... i just did paper and then you have a playlist ready made with a theme... it's kind of awesome...
25 October 2007
literally and metaphorically
just in case you are wondering where i am literally and metaphorically i think this little clip should give some idea. first things first... cold war kids... amazing.... found them through stoney who made me possible the best mixed cds i've ever had the privilege of receiving. a work of art. really just amazing and their song 'hang me out to dry' was stuck on replay for so so long. now of course there has to be more... so i go looking for more and love all of it. if you haven't listened to them please don't waste another second of your life... seriously... it's imperative. sit yourself down and have a fucking intervention. second... yes, things here are okay... yes i am surviving... the new haircut helped... perhaps the song can give you a little insight about how the hell things are... my least favourite phrase explains it all - it is what it is.
just a side note "if you will..." is my new favourite phrase.... and i think the perfect answer to it is either i totally will or i would but at this point in time i just can't....
anyway listen to the kickass music and love love love the cold war kids.
just a side note "if you will..." is my new favourite phrase.... and i think the perfect answer to it is either i totally will or i would but at this point in time i just can't....
anyway listen to the kickass music and love love love the cold war kids.
vegetarian = nazi
so tonight we sit down to eat... my five year old and i....
through the course of our nice dinner that i lovingly prepared and served i say at least three times... emma, honey eat your salad....
on the fourth time little miss emma says... "MOM, I am not a giraffe. I do NOT eat weird leaves. Not everyone wants to be a vegetarian when they grow up."
so i sent her to her room. then when that punishment was over i sent her to bed. and it's not even her fault... i know it's my parents that have brainwashed my child into some conservative meat eating version of the cute kid i've tried to raise.
now... i have long had this theory that kids rebel against WHATEVER philosophies their parents bring them up with and i realized there was a chance that emma would turn out to be a meat loving, republican who found solace in things like hunting and watching ridiculous things on the talking box. perhaps she would even marry some weirdo religious zealot just to seal the deal....
but at 5? come'on.... and everyone should want to be a vegetarian when they grow up. everyone fucking should. i realize that my politics can be somewhat liberal. i realize that when it comes to tree-hugging hippies it may seem that i am one of them.... BUT
1. i am not a hippy... i'm punk rock and happen to be environmentally and socially conscious
2. anyone who believes in that Bill O'Reilly / Fox News / Bush White House crap is retarded
3. being a vegetarian is better for you... and it's more cost efficient... and it just makes sense
and yes. i know i'm being silly. yes i realize that this is somewhat ridiculous.... but she won't soon forget that EVERYONE wants to be a vegetarian when they grow up.
and yes mackenzie that still leaves room for EVERYONE to know what a dragon looks like.
through the course of our nice dinner that i lovingly prepared and served i say at least three times... emma, honey eat your salad....
on the fourth time little miss emma says... "MOM, I am not a giraffe. I do NOT eat weird leaves. Not everyone wants to be a vegetarian when they grow up."
so i sent her to her room. then when that punishment was over i sent her to bed. and it's not even her fault... i know it's my parents that have brainwashed my child into some conservative meat eating version of the cute kid i've tried to raise.
now... i have long had this theory that kids rebel against WHATEVER philosophies their parents bring them up with and i realized there was a chance that emma would turn out to be a meat loving, republican who found solace in things like hunting and watching ridiculous things on the talking box. perhaps she would even marry some weirdo religious zealot just to seal the deal....
but at 5? come'on.... and everyone should want to be a vegetarian when they grow up. everyone fucking should. i realize that my politics can be somewhat liberal. i realize that when it comes to tree-hugging hippies it may seem that i am one of them.... BUT
1. i am not a hippy... i'm punk rock and happen to be environmentally and socially conscious
2. anyone who believes in that Bill O'Reilly / Fox News / Bush White House crap is retarded
3. being a vegetarian is better for you... and it's more cost efficient... and it just makes sense
and yes. i know i'm being silly. yes i realize that this is somewhat ridiculous.... but she won't soon forget that EVERYONE wants to be a vegetarian when they grow up.
and yes mackenzie that still leaves room for EVERYONE to know what a dragon looks like.
the news... some op-ed pieces of my own
1. the world is my urinal?
A train driver in Berlin, Germany, apparently attempting to urinate out of a door at 70 mph, fell to his death (May). [Metro (London), 6-11-07]
2. sarcasm outing....
praise and sarcasm
3. uh... texas.... those guys are always weird...
new texas campaign
4. lastly... oh lastly... my favourite new prescription drug - mirapex for restless leg syndrome - which comes with the following potential drug side effects:
IMPORTANT SAFETY INFORMATION ABOUT MIRAPEX: MIRAPEX may cause you to fall asleep without any warning, even while doing normal daily activities such as driving. When taking MIRAPEX hallucinations may occur and sometimes you may feel dizzy, sweaty or nauseated upon standing up. Patients and caregivers should be informed that impulse control disorders/compulsive behaviors may occur while taking medicines
the commercials actually say that compulsive gambling, drug use or sexual behavior may affect users... wtf?? really? cuz restless legs seems a whole lot better than a drug habit... could just be me.
A train driver in Berlin, Germany, apparently attempting to urinate out of a door at 70 mph, fell to his death (May). [Metro (London), 6-11-07]
2. sarcasm outing....
praise and sarcasm
3. uh... texas.... those guys are always weird...
new texas campaign
4. lastly... oh lastly... my favourite new prescription drug - mirapex for restless leg syndrome - which comes with the following potential drug side effects:
IMPORTANT SAFETY INFORMATION ABOUT MIRAPEX: MIRAPEX may cause you to fall asleep without any warning, even while doing normal daily activities such as driving. When taking MIRAPEX hallucinations may occur and sometimes you may feel dizzy, sweaty or nauseated upon standing up. Patients and caregivers should be informed that impulse control disorders/compulsive behaviors may occur while taking medicines
the commercials actually say that compulsive gambling, drug use or sexual behavior may affect users... wtf?? really? cuz restless legs seems a whole lot better than a drug habit... could just be me.
morning music 10/25
song in my head this morning: social distortion - story of my life
morning playlist:
morning playlist:
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24 October 2007
morning music 10/24
song in my head this morning: kelly joe phelps - taylor john
morning playlist here: (by the by... i think this morning is my favourite yet! there is some stevie wonder at the end that makes it impossible to have a bad day after listening to it... i can still picture cody dancing to it even when he's super super tired...)
off to enjoy my new hair and the gym.
morning playlist here: (by the by... i think this morning is my favourite yet! there is some stevie wonder at the end that makes it impossible to have a bad day after listening to it... i can still picture cody dancing to it even when he's super super tired...)
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off to enjoy my new hair and the gym.
23 October 2007
morning music 10/23
song in my head when i woke up this morning: 1234 - feist
morning playlist is here:
song lyrics i'll be singing all day in my head: paper bag - fiona apple
laugh out loud moment this morning: a conversation with craig
me: i get no cell-io around here
up in this bitch if you will
craig: i totally will
more later
morning playlist is here:
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song lyrics i'll be singing all day in my head: paper bag - fiona apple
laugh out loud moment this morning: a conversation with craig
me: i get no cell-io around here
up in this bitch if you will
craig: i totally will
more later
22 October 2007
mondays are mondays
i'm standing here (metaphorically speaking of course because in actuality i'm sitting) and i'm surrounded by trees at the end of season, cool crisp weather and so many things that i cannot begin to process. i'm treading water emotionally. i'm getting really really tired and i'll be honest and say i don't know how long i can keep it up. i don't know what that means. i don't know what happens when you no longer keep it together emotionally.
i came here... i drove here and i believed while on the road that when i arrived there would be this moment. this fucking crystal moment from an after school special. people would be so proud. he would be so proud. he would see me for the first time. i would know him and he would know me. he'd be sick but we'd work through it and it would all be fine. things would naturally go back to right. people would fucking weep when they read of how it became right. it would verify and justify everything that has happened in the past. we would meet on new ground. higher ground. i have no reservations about saying that i was fucking deluded. i was crazy. there is no higher ground. there is no making it right. i am what i am. i cannot have more than this in my relationship. i have so much grief and frustration in that. i wake up everyday and look at myself in the mirror and ask why... why. it's the same question i've always asked and the question that i ask in my other relationships... why. why aren't i worth it? why not me? the funny thing is that i really like myself. i really really do. it's confusing that there are men in my life that don't. they don't see those things.
i feel like i love them... flaws and all and in return they love me with qualifiers. i wonder mostly why i haven't found a solution to this problem. seriously? seriously! i'm fucking 31. i'm so fucking frustrated i haven't grown past this. i haven't become an adult. fuck. ugh.
here is what i know for sure... these things i am certain of:
1. going to the gym was like having my own personal trainer. a personal trainer with a bmw m6 convertible. i'm not much for that sort of thing but i'm just saying it's nice. it's nice to have a new friend. it's nice to have someone who doesn't live in this house. i know that when we hang out part of the lump in my throat goes away. i don't feel on the edge of crying and not stopping... it's a distraction. sometimes i need to be distracted.
2. i've made a mess of an old friendship. i may have ruined it. for once i just can't forget it and smooth it over and stuff all the feelings inside. because right now i'm full of all the other feelings. i want to make it okay. i want to say i'm okay but it's just more than i can do right now. perhaps if i was a better daughter i would have the fucking sense to be a better friend. but i'm not. i'm simply not and so i have to just put it on the back burner and walk away and hope against all logical hope that when i get back to it that it won't be ruined. perhaps when i can get back there it will still be edible. in the meantime i feel like shit.
3. i thought that perhaps i had found god... or some close version that gave me solace. (yeah, i didn't know he was lost either but people are always saying that they found him). i felt so sure. i even felt like we had a mutually interested relationship. but since i've been here.... "home" the voice and the certainty have gone. i don't know what's true anymore. perhaps that's just another set of expectations that i can't live up to. i don't understand why when things were easier that i was so sure. i don't understand why when things are so hard right now... a fucking struggle each day that i feel like that peace is completely gone. not enough faith? let's just put it on the list of opportunities that i held in my hand and somehow let go.
i'm going outside... a bike ride perhaps. everyone is gone and still i feel like i have to escape this house. escape my own thoughts.... how fast do you think you have to go to escape yourself?
i came here... i drove here and i believed while on the road that when i arrived there would be this moment. this fucking crystal moment from an after school special. people would be so proud. he would be so proud. he would see me for the first time. i would know him and he would know me. he'd be sick but we'd work through it and it would all be fine. things would naturally go back to right. people would fucking weep when they read of how it became right. it would verify and justify everything that has happened in the past. we would meet on new ground. higher ground. i have no reservations about saying that i was fucking deluded. i was crazy. there is no higher ground. there is no making it right. i am what i am. i cannot have more than this in my relationship. i have so much grief and frustration in that. i wake up everyday and look at myself in the mirror and ask why... why. it's the same question i've always asked and the question that i ask in my other relationships... why. why aren't i worth it? why not me? the funny thing is that i really like myself. i really really do. it's confusing that there are men in my life that don't. they don't see those things.
i feel like i love them... flaws and all and in return they love me with qualifiers. i wonder mostly why i haven't found a solution to this problem. seriously? seriously! i'm fucking 31. i'm so fucking frustrated i haven't grown past this. i haven't become an adult. fuck. ugh.
here is what i know for sure... these things i am certain of:
1. going to the gym was like having my own personal trainer. a personal trainer with a bmw m6 convertible. i'm not much for that sort of thing but i'm just saying it's nice. it's nice to have a new friend. it's nice to have someone who doesn't live in this house. i know that when we hang out part of the lump in my throat goes away. i don't feel on the edge of crying and not stopping... it's a distraction. sometimes i need to be distracted.
2. i've made a mess of an old friendship. i may have ruined it. for once i just can't forget it and smooth it over and stuff all the feelings inside. because right now i'm full of all the other feelings. i want to make it okay. i want to say i'm okay but it's just more than i can do right now. perhaps if i was a better daughter i would have the fucking sense to be a better friend. but i'm not. i'm simply not and so i have to just put it on the back burner and walk away and hope against all logical hope that when i get back to it that it won't be ruined. perhaps when i can get back there it will still be edible. in the meantime i feel like shit.
3. i thought that perhaps i had found god... or some close version that gave me solace. (yeah, i didn't know he was lost either but people are always saying that they found him). i felt so sure. i even felt like we had a mutually interested relationship. but since i've been here.... "home" the voice and the certainty have gone. i don't know what's true anymore. perhaps that's just another set of expectations that i can't live up to. i don't understand why when things were easier that i was so sure. i don't understand why when things are so hard right now... a fucking struggle each day that i feel like that peace is completely gone. not enough faith? let's just put it on the list of opportunities that i held in my hand and somehow let go.
i'm going outside... a bike ride perhaps. everyone is gone and still i feel like i have to escape this house. escape my own thoughts.... how fast do you think you have to go to escape yourself?
morning music 10/22
song in my head this morning when i woke up: who knew - pink
morning playlist:
you can just listen to it right there.
on my way to the gym and to see my new friend. i'll only be here for another week really but it's nice to have someone to hang out with and go to the gym with. plus... if we're all being honest i need to get moving FORWARD with my life. i'm stuck in a rut and i'm sick of it. i'm over it.
morning playlist:
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you can just listen to it right there.
on my way to the gym and to see my new friend. i'll only be here for another week really but it's nice to have someone to hang out with and go to the gym with. plus... if we're all being honest i need to get moving FORWARD with my life. i'm stuck in a rut and i'm sick of it. i'm over it.
21 October 2007
know what i'd really like?
well... i'll tell you. for just a little while i would like for things to be easy. i'm not asking to win the lottery. i'm not asking to be perfect. i would just like to feel less overwhelmed with everything on my plate. my dad's health, being here dealing with that, worrying about what the future is going to be like, dealing with judgment and criticism, worrying about my move, worrying about my decisions, trying to be perfect all the time and failing like 50% of the time. i'd just like half the things on my plate. i realize i'm lucky. i realize i'm blessed. i realize i have very little to complain about but just for a few days.... for a few hours can things please just be easier? i little easier.
christian and dan might remember this phrase: i'm only one person and how much can i really do? it came with crying and weird breathing and standing outside in the rain because mommy needs her sleep, it was a bad bad night.
i think we might be nearing stage 5 freak out. i've been avoiding this sort of thing...
shit.
well... okay.
christian and dan might remember this phrase: i'm only one person and how much can i really do? it came with crying and weird breathing and standing outside in the rain because mommy needs her sleep, it was a bad bad night.
i think we might be nearing stage 5 freak out. i've been avoiding this sort of thing...
shit.
well... okay.
18 October 2007
the phrase is almost retired
the picture is the closest i could get to me circa 10 years ago... it's close... 7 years i think... and i post it in honour of having a friend from 10 years ago and to the person i was, am and will be.
all time top ten favourite things in life:
crushed ice
flying (not on planes but actual flying... duh)
good talks with old friends
new perspectives
making mistakes and having the opportunity to correct the mistakes
loving someone enough to trust them completely
the phrase "we're almost there"
the sound of someone singing in the morning and at night
pancakes
waking up each day and facing all the potential that a brand new day brings
tonight i had the pleasure... the absolute blessing... the infinite privilege of talking to an old friend. a friend that i have known 10 years. wow. fucking 10 years. we've always been friends but along the way i think there was a time where we didn't value or trust each other like we should have. perhaps there was a point where i wasn't a good friend to him and for that i have always had regret. luckily he has forgiven me. luckily i had the opportunity to continue to be his friend past that icky point and into the present. so tonight we talked about where we are now. no bullshit. no punches. the truth about who we are and where we are now. i was so happy to say to him that he didn't need to explain because i knew and trusted him. i was so elated to tell him that i am proud of him. can life get any better? after we got off the phone tonight i went back and reread my journal... the good things and the bad things .... things that are no longer public domain and i still can't think of anything to say but i am grateful. i am so so grateful. how could we have come to this if we had taken a different path? how could we be ourselves if we had gone a different way? i suppose it's confirmation of faith, of karma, of the universe and for a plan greater than ourselves. what a wonderful wonderful thing.
i'm a pretty lucky girl. on that note i am going to dream sweet dreams of flying with infinite amounts of crushed ice and love in my heart.
17 October 2007
have you ever?
have you ever met this great guy... let's say he's awesome and funny and really really down to earth and you have this idea in the back of your head that perhaps just perhaps that he's maybe the one. but you can't say that... i mean who fucking says that? no one. that's who. it's so scary and huge and how would you know if he was right? and you wouldn't know if he was unless you were vulnerable and gave it a chance and you did all the things that you were supposed to do.
and if he is what happens when he finds out about all the other things about you... the thing where you hate to do dishes or push the cart in the store because of germs or when you pick small fights or pout when you're really overtired? what happens then? so it all gets big and then you do the thing that you do that is the absolute worst thing... you sabotage it.
you ruin it. you fuck it up beyond recognition because you are broken and stupid and if we're all being honest with ourselves afraid of commitment and intimacy because you have an alcoholic for a father.
then you apologize. and you don't know what will happen then.... but it seems like nothing will happen because well.... of all the shit above. and the hope is that one day... that the great guy or some other great guy will see. he'll see past all the shit and like you anyway. or perhaps that one day that it will be different. perhaps one day you won't be afraid...
i'm just asking if you have... it's a survey or something like that... not that i'm saying that that all the yous in here are really i / me where ever applicable.... not that i'm saying that you or i are too old for this crap and we really should know better...
but i should. i really really should. in hindsight i am so frustrated and embarrassed by my actions. i have serious regret and i'd love to blame it on my past or my father or something else. but i can't. instead i may need to start drinking again soon. or go to therapy. either one... i realize they are at opposite ends of the spectrum.... but honestly... i'm not sure which one will work better.
and if he is what happens when he finds out about all the other things about you... the thing where you hate to do dishes or push the cart in the store because of germs or when you pick small fights or pout when you're really overtired? what happens then? so it all gets big and then you do the thing that you do that is the absolute worst thing... you sabotage it.
you ruin it. you fuck it up beyond recognition because you are broken and stupid and if we're all being honest with ourselves afraid of commitment and intimacy because you have an alcoholic for a father.
then you apologize. and you don't know what will happen then.... but it seems like nothing will happen because well.... of all the shit above. and the hope is that one day... that the great guy or some other great guy will see. he'll see past all the shit and like you anyway. or perhaps that one day that it will be different. perhaps one day you won't be afraid...
i'm just asking if you have... it's a survey or something like that... not that i'm saying that that all the yous in here are really i / me where ever applicable.... not that i'm saying that you or i are too old for this crap and we really should know better...
but i should. i really really should. in hindsight i am so frustrated and embarrassed by my actions. i have serious regret and i'd love to blame it on my past or my father or something else. but i can't. instead i may need to start drinking again soon. or go to therapy. either one... i realize they are at opposite ends of the spectrum.... but honestly... i'm not sure which one will work better.
you can never go home
i'd love to write something witty and charming and funny. the problem is that these days i don't feel very... charming, witty or funny.... i don't feel like much of anything. i'm at my parents house in wisconsin waiting to go on with my life. i'm dealing with life... life it turns out is always somewhat difficult and annoying. my dad is sick... cancer they say... we don't really talk about it around here. it's sort of the the elephant in the room. i suppose it's me that doesn't really talk about it. it's overwhelming. i'm whelmed. i'm frustrated. i'm afraid. i don't really have anyone to talk to. i don't really have many friends..... the usual suspects, one from each town i've lived in in the past 10 years. but how much can each of them listen to? i don't really have anything to say... i've spent the past two days in bed most of the day reading. i feel sort of like crying. i want to leave here and go somewhere else... anywhere. i'm good at that sort of thing.... running away from commitment, feelings, emotions.
i wish i was still in alaska.
i wish i was still in alaska.
11 October 2007
strep throat
strep throat. that's what the urgent care doctor says... strep throat. one shot of antibiotics, $250.00 and a prescription later i have been given strict instructions not to travel and to come back in a day for a check up. since i don't have tonsils (because i used to get strep throat so bad and so frequently) apparently it can travel into my lungs, stomach and etc etc. so i'm back on the road... i'll cancel the appointment from south dakota.
i love road trips but i'm hating life right now. i totally give up. it's absolutely frightening to be thousands of miles from anyone i know and the only thing i can do is keep driving. i can't eat and i can barely talk. i hate my ipod... it crashed this morning and i can't seem to fix it.
i'm frustrated. i'm overwhelmed. i'm giving up.
i love road trips but i'm hating life right now. i totally give up. it's absolutely frightening to be thousands of miles from anyone i know and the only thing i can do is keep driving. i can't eat and i can barely talk. i hate my ipod... it crashed this morning and i can't seem to fix it.
i'm frustrated. i'm overwhelmed. i'm giving up.
10 October 2007
montana to wyoming
apparently dinosaurs used to live in montana... or at least that's what i figured out today when i stopped 250 miles into my trip at a small museum. i was feeling kinda weird and dinosaurs are kinda weird so why not take a break there? i have some kind of killer cold / flu thing goin on and i can't eat. it hurts when i swallow. my chest hurts when i breathe. after my break today i started to feel worse... hot, cold, clammy, dizzy. so finally i pulled over and fished out my thermometer... yep fever = 101. so i'm in sheridan wyoming 500 miles from where i started this morning and i'm sick as a dog. sleeping in a wal-mart parking lot cuz i just can't even fathom having to camp tonight. plus there is free internet... i'm not saying shop there... i'm just saying when a girl is sick it's not a bad place to be. tomorrow - sick or not crazy horse national monument and then on.
09 October 2007
oh oh oh missoula
there i am waiting for anneke to get off work and catching up on some reading... some suggested and then newly purchased richard bach. i'm in a bar and so i should have expected what would come next... i should have known.
there he is. the man women move to montana to date / sleep with / marry / make pancakes and music with... he's there and he's talking to me. eyes lined from smiling and time spent outside. beard and hair a little long and curly and somewhat dirty and messy but oh oh oh.... and he's talking more and smiling. those lines are deeper and there are more when he laughs. i glance down and one of his pant legs is still rolled up from riding a bike.... oh oh oh. then it happens without warning... he says "can i buy you a drink?" and i'm looking right at him. i want to say yes. i want to take whatever it is he's going to give me (not like an STD but you KNOW what i mean). instead i say no. i say no and he seems sort of confused and then i say you can buy me .... (10 second pause) a soda? i end anti-climatically. it's clear he doesn't want to buy me a soda. i want to explain that i'm a jameson and ginger girl. a girl HAS to have standards and irish whiskey in a pint glass that i can drink one after another is my standard. i want to explain that i used to drink but it's awkward and he's looking at me with a question in those eyes. i simply say... "i don't drink" and he gets that glazed over look... the disinterested one. i almost relent... i'm seconds away from falling off the wagon... gimme a big drink, a pack of smokes and a huge dose of irresponsible. i want so much to avoid reality. i want to avoid being a grown up. i want to avoid everything i'm facing. instead i smile and try to make small talk but instead he says that if i change my mind he'll be at the bar and turns and leaves.
see, the thing is that i already HAVE changed my mind. thats how we got here. this is my mind. i still want to change it back... did i mention that he has an amazing butt as he walks away? oh oh oh.... there goes the first bad choice i didn't make. there goes the last of my old life and old self. at least it looked fabulous as i watched it leave...
there he is. the man women move to montana to date / sleep with / marry / make pancakes and music with... he's there and he's talking to me. eyes lined from smiling and time spent outside. beard and hair a little long and curly and somewhat dirty and messy but oh oh oh.... and he's talking more and smiling. those lines are deeper and there are more when he laughs. i glance down and one of his pant legs is still rolled up from riding a bike.... oh oh oh. then it happens without warning... he says "can i buy you a drink?" and i'm looking right at him. i want to say yes. i want to take whatever it is he's going to give me (not like an STD but you KNOW what i mean). instead i say no. i say no and he seems sort of confused and then i say you can buy me .... (10 second pause) a soda? i end anti-climatically. it's clear he doesn't want to buy me a soda. i want to explain that i'm a jameson and ginger girl. a girl HAS to have standards and irish whiskey in a pint glass that i can drink one after another is my standard. i want to explain that i used to drink but it's awkward and he's looking at me with a question in those eyes. i simply say... "i don't drink" and he gets that glazed over look... the disinterested one. i almost relent... i'm seconds away from falling off the wagon... gimme a big drink, a pack of smokes and a huge dose of irresponsible. i want so much to avoid reality. i want to avoid being a grown up. i want to avoid everything i'm facing. instead i smile and try to make small talk but instead he says that if i change my mind he'll be at the bar and turns and leaves.
see, the thing is that i already HAVE changed my mind. thats how we got here. this is my mind. i still want to change it back... did i mention that he has an amazing butt as he walks away? oh oh oh.... there goes the first bad choice i didn't make. there goes the last of my old life and old self. at least it looked fabulous as i watched it leave...
coming home full circle
i am still on the road... driving... arriving... processing... falling into myself and the person that i believe i can be. it is a flow and ebb like going over hills and then falling with gravity into the dip before the next hill. i am not afraid nor am i overwhelmed. quiet, certain, resolute and calm. i expected that yesterday i would have a twinge of emotion or a feeling of sadness about what i left behind but it was absent. i had prayed and gotten my answer. sometimes we love people and they don't love us back in the same way. that's okay. it's great in fact.... it's an opportunity to be unselfish. friendships are better and stronger based in love. there is no envy or anger at not being "chosen" and for once is absent that feeling of being judged or falling short. i am absolute confident in my value, my qualities, my blessings and my beauty.
after the drive and the crest of the mountains in the evening i arrived home. i can only explain missoula as home. i can only say that it is here that i want to be with my whole being and i had forgotten that about myself. i had discarded the idea of living here... perhaps because i was afraid of committing to being me. i had to go to alaska instead and start the changes. it's terrifying to love a place so much that i don't want to leave... i literally don't want to leave. i want to unpack my things. i want to wake up here everyday. it is the place of pancakes and music. it is the place. which is odd to hear from a girl who has never had a home and has never felt home in her whole life. just to give you an idea - it's built on a river. it's beautifully arranged at the base of mountains and shines in warm open sunlight that warms your face as you smell the crisp clean air. it's small town meets all the goodness of a city. it has two or three used book shops. it has a progressive wildlife biology program that i am in LOVE with. the main mode of transport is bicycle. there are bike racks on the sidewalks right next to water dishes for dogs. the dogs sit without leashes next to bikes and wait unhurriedly for owners to reappear from whatever task they have started. outside the coffee shop i'm at right now there are no less than 30 bikes. it is a place that is unprocessed. it is the opposite of phoenix. it is what i thought alaska would be like. i am at a loss for what i'll do now that i remember myself here. i simply don't want to leave. i don't want to leave. i always want to leave - move forward - find the next adventure. i finally want to stay.
anneke and i sat and talked from when i arrived last night until early this morning. we talked and talked and finally i found that i could cry about all the small things that had been bothering me and building up inside. not cry out of frustration or out of panic or fear. cry the long sobs and big tears that expressed my grief. i was allowed to mourn... i was given permission to grieve. and we laughed. and we talked of her sadnesses and we talked of the future. i remembered myself and how i got here and then i realized that those things are no longer necessary. i don't need to overprocess it. my life is what it is. and i am grateful for it. i am eternally completely grateful.
sometimes these are the ways that our paths twist and turn like autumn leaves in the wind that is change. so let change blow and let my life twist and then turn back onto itself. i know my north. i know where my star is and how to navigate forward without asking for directions.
after the drive and the crest of the mountains in the evening i arrived home. i can only explain missoula as home. i can only say that it is here that i want to be with my whole being and i had forgotten that about myself. i had discarded the idea of living here... perhaps because i was afraid of committing to being me. i had to go to alaska instead and start the changes. it's terrifying to love a place so much that i don't want to leave... i literally don't want to leave. i want to unpack my things. i want to wake up here everyday. it is the place of pancakes and music. it is the place. which is odd to hear from a girl who has never had a home and has never felt home in her whole life. just to give you an idea - it's built on a river. it's beautifully arranged at the base of mountains and shines in warm open sunlight that warms your face as you smell the crisp clean air. it's small town meets all the goodness of a city. it has two or three used book shops. it has a progressive wildlife biology program that i am in LOVE with. the main mode of transport is bicycle. there are bike racks on the sidewalks right next to water dishes for dogs. the dogs sit without leashes next to bikes and wait unhurriedly for owners to reappear from whatever task they have started. outside the coffee shop i'm at right now there are no less than 30 bikes. it is a place that is unprocessed. it is the opposite of phoenix. it is what i thought alaska would be like. i am at a loss for what i'll do now that i remember myself here. i simply don't want to leave. i don't want to leave. i always want to leave - move forward - find the next adventure. i finally want to stay.
anneke and i sat and talked from when i arrived last night until early this morning. we talked and talked and finally i found that i could cry about all the small things that had been bothering me and building up inside. not cry out of frustration or out of panic or fear. cry the long sobs and big tears that expressed my grief. i was allowed to mourn... i was given permission to grieve. and we laughed. and we talked of her sadnesses and we talked of the future. i remembered myself and how i got here and then i realized that those things are no longer necessary. i don't need to overprocess it. my life is what it is. and i am grateful for it. i am eternally completely grateful.
sometimes these are the ways that our paths twist and turn like autumn leaves in the wind that is change. so let change blow and let my life twist and then turn back onto itself. i know my north. i know where my star is and how to navigate forward without asking for directions.
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