i am still on the road... driving... arriving... processing... falling into myself and the person that i believe i can be. it is a flow and ebb like going over hills and then falling with gravity into the dip before the next hill. i am not afraid nor am i overwhelmed. quiet, certain, resolute and calm. i expected that yesterday i would have a twinge of emotion or a feeling of sadness about what i left behind but it was absent. i had prayed and gotten my answer. sometimes we love people and they don't love us back in the same way. that's okay. it's great in fact.... it's an opportunity to be unselfish. friendships are better and stronger based in love. there is no envy or anger at not being "chosen" and for once is absent that feeling of being judged or falling short. i am absolute confident in my value, my qualities, my blessings and my beauty.
after the drive and the crest of the mountains in the evening i arrived home. i can only explain missoula as home. i can only say that it is here that i want to be with my whole being and i had forgotten that about myself. i had discarded the idea of living here... perhaps because i was afraid of committing to being me. i had to go to alaska instead and start the changes. it's terrifying to love a place so much that i don't want to leave... i literally don't want to leave. i want to unpack my things. i want to wake up here everyday. it is the place of pancakes and music. it is the place. which is odd to hear from a girl who has never had a home and has never felt home in her whole life. just to give you an idea - it's built on a river. it's beautifully arranged at the base of mountains and shines in warm open sunlight that warms your face as you smell the crisp clean air. it's small town meets all the goodness of a city. it has two or three used book shops. it has a progressive wildlife biology program that i am in LOVE with. the main mode of transport is bicycle. there are bike racks on the sidewalks right next to water dishes for dogs. the dogs sit without leashes next to bikes and wait unhurriedly for owners to reappear from whatever task they have started. outside the coffee shop i'm at right now there are no less than 30 bikes. it is a place that is unprocessed. it is the opposite of phoenix. it is what i thought alaska would be like. i am at a loss for what i'll do now that i remember myself here. i simply don't want to leave. i don't want to leave. i always want to leave - move forward - find the next adventure. i finally want to stay.
anneke and i sat and talked from when i arrived last night until early this morning. we talked and talked and finally i found that i could cry about all the small things that had been bothering me and building up inside. not cry out of frustration or out of panic or fear. cry the long sobs and big tears that expressed my grief. i was allowed to mourn... i was given permission to grieve. and we laughed. and we talked of her sadnesses and we talked of the future. i remembered myself and how i got here and then i realized that those things are no longer necessary. i don't need to overprocess it. my life is what it is. and i am grateful for it. i am eternally completely grateful.
sometimes these are the ways that our paths twist and turn like autumn leaves in the wind that is change. so let change blow and let my life twist and then turn back onto itself. i know my north. i know where my star is and how to navigate forward without asking for directions.
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