mondays are mondays

i'm standing here (metaphorically speaking of course because in actuality i'm sitting) and i'm surrounded by trees at the end of season, cool crisp weather and so many things that i cannot begin to process. i'm treading water emotionally. i'm getting really really tired and i'll be honest and say i don't know how long i can keep it up. i don't know what that means. i don't know what happens when you no longer keep it together emotionally.

i came here... i drove here and i believed while on the road that when i arrived there would be this moment. this fucking crystal moment from an after school special. people would be so proud. he would be so proud. he would see me for the first time. i would know him and he would know me. he'd be sick but we'd work through it and it would all be fine. things would naturally go back to right. people would fucking weep when they read of how it became right. it would verify and justify everything that has happened in the past. we would meet on new ground. higher ground. i have no reservations about saying that i was fucking deluded. i was crazy. there is no higher ground. there is no making it right. i am what i am. i cannot have more than this in my relationship. i have so much grief and frustration in that. i wake up everyday and look at myself in the mirror and ask why... why. it's the same question i've always asked and the question that i ask in my other relationships... why. why aren't i worth it? why not me? the funny thing is that i really like myself. i really really do. it's confusing that there are men in my life that don't. they don't see those things.

i feel like i love them... flaws and all and in return they love me with qualifiers. i wonder mostly why i haven't found a solution to this problem. seriously? seriously! i'm fucking 31. i'm so fucking frustrated i haven't grown past this. i haven't become an adult. fuck. ugh.

here is what i know for sure... these things i am certain of:
1. going to the gym was like having my own personal trainer. a personal trainer with a bmw m6 convertible. i'm not much for that sort of thing but i'm just saying it's nice. it's nice to have a new friend. it's nice to have someone who doesn't live in this house. i know that when we hang out part of the lump in my throat goes away. i don't feel on the edge of crying and not stopping... it's a distraction. sometimes i need to be distracted.
2. i've made a mess of an old friendship. i may have ruined it. for once i just can't forget it and smooth it over and stuff all the feelings inside. because right now i'm full of all the other feelings. i want to make it okay. i want to say i'm okay but it's just more than i can do right now. perhaps if i was a better daughter i would have the fucking sense to be a better friend. but i'm not. i'm simply not and so i have to just put it on the back burner and walk away and hope against all logical hope that when i get back to it that it won't be ruined. perhaps when i can get back there it will still be edible. in the meantime i feel like shit.
3. i thought that perhaps i had found god... or some close version that gave me solace. (yeah, i didn't know he was lost either but people are always saying that they found him). i felt so sure. i even felt like we had a mutually interested relationship. but since i've been here.... "home" the voice and the certainty have gone. i don't know what's true anymore. perhaps that's just another set of expectations that i can't live up to. i don't understand why when things were easier that i was so sure. i don't understand why when things are so hard right now... a fucking struggle each day that i feel like that peace is completely gone. not enough faith? let's just put it on the list of opportunities that i held in my hand and somehow let go.

i'm going outside... a bike ride perhaps. everyone is gone and still i feel like i have to escape this house. escape my own thoughts.... how fast do you think you have to go to escape yourself?