not mattering matters... a little bit at least

song in my head this morning: elliot smith - needle in the hay

this morning. on the morning after finding myself again. a lost version of myself i moved away from and then discarded as if it was an old coat. i look at myself. i see myself. i see what i truly am. all the old things rush up and sting my eyes and nose like tears but different. acceptance and relief at finding that even when i run away and work hard to become someone different there is that old face the old touchstones waiting here for me. waiting here in the morning. my coffee cooling beside me. my tattoos starting to look aged and faded. my dreams and hopes weights that alternately weigh me down and lift me up to see just far enough to take the next step. there is something nice in knowing friends, knowing people who have been in my life long enough to let me leave them and then circle back on myself to be accepted back into the warmth of love. there is something comforting in finding that after all this time i still have a place. sometimes i feel like a kaleidescope of versions of myself - fragments that laid out on the table would never make a pattern or beauty but reflected and sharp in a tunnel of self-knowledge is an amazing collage. it's beautiful and transient. i finally recognize that there are people in the world that know me and accept me without qualifiers and quantifiers. they do not push me to become something i am not. they know that i am simply me. flawed and imperfect but strong and brave. they trust that i will become and move forward but IF i didn't. if i never became anything but this version of myself they would welcome and accept me. what a gift. what a thing to find. the best thing about it is that it doesn't matter. it doesn't matter at all. because there is no competition to see who is the best, the most loved, the most put together or the most well-adjusted. there is just that kaleidescope and my vision and for this morning, for this great moment, that is enough. it's finally enough.

the morning playlist is below. it's a sunday morning tribute to connecticut and to a time of blackness that brought sparkling truths into view. gems discarded by others that we found while not worrying about what other people thought. there is power in that - not caring and not mattering enough to simply become what we were meant to become.

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