oh oh oh missoula

there i am waiting for anneke to get off work and catching up on some reading... some suggested and then newly purchased richard bach. i'm in a bar and so i should have expected what would come next... i should have known.

there he is. the man women move to montana to date / sleep with / marry / make pancakes and music with... he's there and he's talking to me. eyes lined from smiling and time spent outside. beard and hair a little long and curly and somewhat dirty and messy but oh oh oh.... and he's talking more and smiling. those lines are deeper and there are more when he laughs. i glance down and one of his pant legs is still rolled up from riding a bike.... oh oh oh. then it happens without warning... he says "can i buy you a drink?" and i'm looking right at him. i want to say yes. i want to take whatever it is he's going to give me (not like an STD but you KNOW what i mean). instead i say no. i say no and he seems sort of confused and then i say you can buy me .... (10 second pause) a soda? i end anti-climatically. it's clear he doesn't want to buy me a soda. i want to explain that i'm a jameson and ginger girl. a girl HAS to have standards and irish whiskey in a pint glass that i can drink one after another is my standard. i want to explain that i used to drink but it's awkward and he's looking at me with a question in those eyes. i simply say... "i don't drink" and he gets that glazed over look... the disinterested one. i almost relent... i'm seconds away from falling off the wagon... gimme a big drink, a pack of smokes and a huge dose of irresponsible. i want so much to avoid reality. i want to avoid being a grown up. i want to avoid everything i'm facing. instead i smile and try to make small talk but instead he says that if i change my mind he'll be at the bar and turns and leaves.

see, the thing is that i already HAVE changed my mind. thats how we got here. this is my mind. i still want to change it back... did i mention that he has an amazing butt as he walks away? oh oh oh.... there goes the first bad choice i didn't make. there goes the last of my old life and old self. at least it looked fabulous as i watched it leave...