have you ever?

have you ever met this great guy... let's say he's awesome and funny and really really down to earth and you have this idea in the back of your head that perhaps just perhaps that he's maybe the one. but you can't say that... i mean who fucking says that? no one. that's who. it's so scary and huge and how would you know if he was right? and you wouldn't know if he was unless you were vulnerable and gave it a chance and you did all the things that you were supposed to do.

and if he is what happens when he finds out about all the other things about you... the thing where you hate to do dishes or push the cart in the store because of germs or when you pick small fights or pout when you're really overtired? what happens then? so it all gets big and then you do the thing that you do that is the absolute worst thing... you sabotage it.

you ruin it. you fuck it up beyond recognition because you are broken and stupid and if we're all being honest with ourselves afraid of commitment and intimacy because you have an alcoholic for a father.

then you apologize. and you don't know what will happen then.... but it seems like nothing will happen because well.... of all the shit above. and the hope is that one day... that the great guy or some other great guy will see. he'll see past all the shit and like you anyway. or perhaps that one day that it will be different. perhaps one day you won't be afraid...

i'm just asking if you have... it's a survey or something like that... not that i'm saying that that all the yous in here are really i / me where ever applicable.... not that i'm saying that you or i are too old for this crap and we really should know better...

but i should. i really really should. in hindsight i am so frustrated and embarrassed by my actions. i have serious regret and i'd love to blame it on my past or my father or something else. but i can't. instead i may need to start drinking again soon. or go to therapy. either one... i realize they are at opposite ends of the spectrum.... but honestly... i'm not sure which one will work better.